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Humerus News 10-15-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-15-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK 20 years ago, Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope were all alive. Today, we have
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 15, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-15-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      20 years ago, Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope were all alive. Today, we have no jobs, no cash, and no hope. (Richard Lederer)

      The stock market skyrocketed today. See what happens when the banks and the federal government shut down for a day? (Jay Leno)

      President Obama's jobs council is headed by GE CEO Jeff Immelt, which makes sense, because when Americans see an unmitigated failure like him keeping his job, we all feel confident about ourselves again! (Jake Novak)

      President Obama says he is "a little heartbroken" about the NBA lockout. It just means more good paying jobs headed overseas. (Jim Barach

      According to a report that just came out, one out of ten Europeans were conceived on an Ikea bed. Isn't that amazing. Some who bought furniture from Ikea were able to screw something correctly. (Conan O'Brien

      It's such a shame that both Sarah Palin and Chris Christie have refused to enter the Republican presidential race. Had they run on the same ticket, they would have been called 'BEAUTY AND OBESE". (Richard Lederer

      Texas Governor Rick Perry announced what he called his "1-1-1" plan: "Every American gets 1 percent tax, 1 mandatory vaccination, and 1 execution." (Andy Borowitz

      A Colorado logger says he cut off his tootsies to free himself from a 7-ton trailer that landed on his right foot. Personally, I'd try calling a toe truck. (RJ Currie)

      Netflix got a brief public relations boost Monday morning by announcing they are reversing their plan to split their streaming and DVD rentals into two companies with two logins, passwords, etc. But then all those happy customers realized, the price hike stays. This is kind of like leaving your wife for another woman, returning, and saying "by the way honey, mind if she stays with us for a while?" (Janice Hough)

      Fan throws a hot dog at Tiger Woods while he is putting. If only the wiener had landed in the hole, it would have been the greatest Tiger Woods joke EVER. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Dr. Pepper Ten is a new soft drink marketed towards men. If men want to drink something light with no alcohol, they already have Coors. (Jim Barach

      Bolstered by Supreme Court "corporate personhood" ruling, GM announces candidacy for Republican nomination. No word yet on whether Cadillac Escalade will get a podium at next GOP debate. (P N News)

      REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES

      At the last Republican debate, the candidates were seated according to how they've been doing in the polls. So Jon Huntsman was seated next to Tim Pawlenty at a Denny's across the street. (Conan O'Brien)

      Herman Cain has moved ahead of Mitt Romney. Can you believe that? Political analysts say this is because Americans don't understand Mormonism but they do understand pizza. (Conan O'Brien)

      Herman Cain is now the GOP Presidential frontrunner! But let's be fair. With the love and affection most Republicans feel for Romney, Stephen Colbert could announce his candidacy tomorrow, and vault over Mitt in the polls by next week. (Janice Hough)

      An NBC/Wall Street Journal poll shows Herman Cain now leading the GOP presidential race, with Mitt Romney in second place and Rick Perry in third. Of course, you can expect Romney and Perry to flip flop every couple of days. (Wendel Parker)

      At tonight's Republican debate, former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain was given the center seat. You can tell Cain was in the center because he was wearing one of those little plastic tables that protects the cheese. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt, but he could do it in 30 minutes or less (Conan O'Brien).

      So now there are rumors Herman Cain stole his 9-9-9 tax plan from the video game SimCity. Big deal, for years there have been rumors that Mitt Romney stole his style from one of his granddaughters' Ken dolls. (Janice Hough)

      Herman Cain spent Tuesday's debate defending his flat tax from attack by his fellow Republicans. He's an economic conservative. Liberal Democrats found themselves in the odd position of cheering for the six white people beating a black man in broad daylight. (Argus Hamilton)

      Herman Cain, once considered unelectable, has surged ahead of Mitt Romney and Rick Perry in the polls. Apparently he's bringing some formerly undecided independents out of the woodwork that some TV pundits have nicknamed "Herman's Hermits." (Bob Mills

      Herman Cain is surging in the polls. Many polls have him ahead of Mitt Romney. He hasn't said who he would choose as his running mate yet, but according to a report, he's had several meetings with Papa John. (Jay Leno)

      Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there's more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there's also a few napkins and crazy bread. (Conan O'Brien)

      Herman Cain answered the Wall Street protesters, and he had a message for these protesters. He said, "If you don't have a job, if you're not rich, don't blame Wall Street, don't blame the banks, blame yourself." And a nation of out of work teabaggers said, "Yeah! Hey, wait a minute." (Bill Maher)

      Under Herman Cain's 9-9-9 plan, everything would be taxed at 9 percent. Now, Rick Santorum says he has a better tax plan called 0-0-0. Oh, sorry, that's his chances of becoming president. (Jay Leno)

      The Republicans had yet another debate the other night. This is their seventh one. They're apparently going to keep having these debates until Rick Perry can get one right. (Jay Leno)

      Rick Perry looks like a guy who crawled out from under a painted rock. Perry's exhausted. He's having trouble sleeping. Calling Dr. Conrad Murray! (David Letterman)

      Rick Perry has fallen way down. He's got a new ad campaign where he says Mitt Romney is a carbon copy of Obama. Yes, that has always been Mitt Romney's problem. He's just too black. (Bill Maher)

      Rick Perry's advisers said he prepared for the last debate by getting a lot more sleep. Apparently, he did it during the debate. (Jay Leno)

      Rick Perry has admitted that he's so tired that he can't sleep. He should listen to one of his own speeches. (David Letterman)

      Rick Perry had to leave the debate early. He was late for an execution. (David Letterman)

      Rick Perry said America's revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, "I never said I was a geology major." (Conan O'Brien)

      Anita Perry on her husband Rick: "He is the only true conservative – well, there are some true conservatives. And they're there for good reasons. And they may feel like God called them too. But I truly feel like we are here for that purpose." Gosh, listening to Anita, it sounds like she'd fit right in if she herself decided to join the GOP field running for President. (Janice Hough)

      The candidates at the last Republican debate got to ask each other questions. Jon Huntsman asked, "Who am I?" (David Letterman)

      Michele Bachmann said we won't find YouTube clips of her speaking in support of Roe versus Wade. She said that's because people who can't swim should stay out of row boats and remain in the wading pool. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      During the Republican debate last night, Michele Bachmann said she has 28 children, five of her own and 23 foster kids. It's all part of her new strategy: Adopting a majority of voters. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Yesterday on CNN, Michele Bachmann denied that her campaign is losing steam and said all candidates have their ups and downs. Then she said, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to hitchhike to my next campaign stop." (Jimmy Fallon)

      GOP presidential candidates are criticizing Mitt Romney for flip-flopping on issues such as gay marriage. Michele Bachmann said, "You'll never see me heeing and hawing about marriage between a man and a woman." She said that's the only fact she can keep straight. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      At one point, Rick Aantorum was interrupted by a gay heckler. But then Michele Bachmann told her husband, "Just shut up and sit down." (Jay Leno)

      Tough times for Mitt Romney. It's not just that he's losing to "None of the Above." But "None of the Above" has a higher likability rating. (Janice Hough)

      The founder of Home Depot has announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. His exact words were, "You can do it. We can help!" (Tim Hunter

      On Tuesday New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced he that he was not running for president. And then on Wednesday Sarah Palin also announced that she would not run. Palin said she would love to be president but she just couldn't handle the two-year commitment. (Seth Meyers)

      Chris Christie announced he would not enter the race. In a statement he said "Look at me. Do I look like I'm ready to race anyone?" (Bill Maher)

      Fans of Chris Christie should rebut the cruel ridiculing of the governor. How? Simply by saying -- "to you, he's fat. To us, he's too big to fail." (Mark Russell)

      To day New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced that he's endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It's good news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie on your side. Unless you're in a canoe. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Chris Christie has officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Christie said President Obama is "shrinking the American pie." And believe me, if there's one thing Christie hates, it's a small pie. (Jay Leno)

      New Jersey Governor Chris Christie did endorse Romney. Wonder if any editor will run this headline: "Christie throws weight behind Romney." (Janice Hough)

      Like Chris Christie, Rudy Giuliani just announced he was not running for President. Unlike Christie, no one had asked Giuliani to run anyway. (Janice Hough)

      Rudy Giuliani says he will not run for President in 2012. That news came as a crushing blow to the three people who actually were supporting him. (Jim Barach

      Sarah Palin announced she's not running. However, she hasn't ruled out walking. (Tim Hunter

      Sarah Palin won't run for president. Who better to lead us out of the troubles of the world than a half-term governor from Alaska? (David Letterman)

      Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady's glasses. (Conan O'Brien)

      Very sadly, two days ago, the great white dope, Sarah Palin said she would not enter the race. I am of two minds about this; as an American, I thank you Sarah. As a comedian, I beg you to reconsider. (Bill Maher)  

      We found out why Sarah Palin won't run for president. She heard the job lasts four years. (Jay Leno)

      Tim Pawlenty says he regrets quitting the presidential race so early. He said that when he runs in 2016, his campaign slogan will be, "Tim Pawlenty: This Time I'll Quit Later." (Conan O'Brien)

      Homophobic Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum is at it again - on Fox News he attacked gay men and said that letting them shower with straight people in the military would cause problems. If that's true, that means the straight men were not that straight to begin with. Probably not that straight. (Jay Leno)

      OCCUPY WALL STREET

      It's the 24th day of the Occupy Wall Street protests, also known as the largest homeless slumber party in the world. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The Occupy Wall Street protesters gathered outside Rupert Murdoch's house chanting, "What do we want?" Murdoch interrupted saying, "I already know, I hacked your phones." (Craig Ferguson)

      You know who's also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That's a real good idea -- a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed. (David Letterman)

      New York mayor Michael Bloomberg says that Occupy Wall Street protesters must move so the park can be cleaned. How about the mayor hands each protester a rake and a leaf blower and pays them to clean the park? There, Bloomberg, you just created hundreds of jobs. (Wendel Parker)

      Police were using pepper spray on the Wall Street protesters. That's scary. What if they're spraying them with condiments so the rich people can enjoy eating them? (Craig Ferguson)

      Millions of Americans cheered the news on Friday that arrests had finally been made on Wall Street, but were soon disappointed to learn that the wrong people had been taken into custody. NYPD spokesman Frank Hannefy explained the controversial decision to arrest Occupy Wall Street protesters while leaving the people who had brought the nation's economy to the brink of Armageddon unmolested. (Andy Borowitz)

      Yesterday the CEO of Citigroup said that he can understand why all these Occupy Wall Street protesters are so frustrated. In fact, he felt so bad for them, he gave himself a $10 million sympathy bonus. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Occupy Wall Street protests continued in New York City. Today the protests have been going on for four weeks now. That's longer than most NBC sitcoms last. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Herman Cain told the Occupy Wall Street protesters in Battery Park Friday that they should blame themselves if they aren't rich. Not all of the demonstrators are opposed to capitalism. The pot dealers in the park slip away to the ATMs to make six deposits a day. (Argus Hamilton)

      Wall Street protesters remained camped out near the stock exchange Tuesday. They organize marches using Apple iPhones, Facebook, and Google. They want the world to know how hard life is if they have to use every labor-saving device in the world to prove it. (Argus Hamilton)

      The NYPD says the Occupy Wall Street protests have already cost the city $2 million, and that's just the money they've had to spend on air freshener. (Jake Novak)

      Occupy Wall Street protesters in New York City were told to leave the park they are occupying so it can be cleaned up. Ironically, they are protesting about how Wall Street has been cleaning up by kicking people out of where they are living. (Jim Barach

      Some protesters brought their kids to the demonstrations. Some of the kids got bored and decided to occupy Sesame Street instead. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job. (Craig Ferguson)

      Over 700 people who were part of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations were arrested this past weekend in New York when they tried to block traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. Because there's nothing people on Wall Street hate more than not being able to get to Brooklyn. (Seth Meyers)

      Occupy Wall Street protesters entered their third week of New York park sit-ins this week following a march down Broadway on Thursday. Interviews with the protesters make two things very crystal-clear. They don't know what they want and they want it now. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Occupy Wall Street protesters traveled around New York to stand outside the mansions of the most wealthy people in New York. Is that protesting or tourism? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Just as Susan Sarandon joined the anti-corporate protesters in Lower Manhattan, a huge billboard of her endorsing a Japanese clothing chain that uses sweat shop Chinese labor has gone up in Midtown. Perhaps Sarandon was protesting the fact that there just aren't enough jobs for eight-year-old Chinese kids. (Jake Novak)

      The protesters stood outside the homes of five rich dudes. Michael Moore was actually able to stand outside all five homes at the same time. (Craig Ferguson)

      The Occupy Wall Street protesters will march to the private homes of several CEO's today. It's not clear if the demonstrators plan of threatening them or asking if they can come inside to take a shower. (Jake Novak)

      Occupy Wall Street protesters in Los Angeles sat down in the Bank of America lobby Friday and refused to leave. The cops dispersed them. When Bank of America charged the demonstrators five dollars each to leave the lobby, they left angrier than they arrived.  (Argus Hamilton)

      Wouldn't you know it? Wall Street executives are actually going to make money off the protests. They've invested heavily in the new Broadway play, Occupy Wall Street: The Musical. (Wendel Parker)

      The NYPD has delayed a plan to evict the "Occupy Wall Street" protesters from Lower Manhattan in order to wash and sanitize the area. The reason for the delay was that no one wanted to wash and sanitize the protesters. (Jake Novak)

      BLACKBERRIES

      BlackBerry is experiencing outages all over North America. It is so sad, today I saw a guy driving trying to Google on his garage door opener. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Blackberry's president has apologized for the outages that have gone on since Monday. Of course most of his customers won't get the message until at least next week (Janice Hough)

      BlackBerry service disruptions have spread to the United States from the Middle East and Africa. Millions of people were forced to check their email from a computer like wild cave savages. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Blackberry's worldwide problems continued Wednesday, even resulting in major outages in the United States. Although the U. S. problems eased in the afternoon. So much for that morning drop in auto accidents while drivers couldn't text and check their messages. (Janice Hough)

      BlackBerry service remains down in five continents. It's getting so bad, that at least a half dozen businessmen were forced to speak to their children last night. (Jake Novak)

      It's embarrassing for BlackBerry, but it could have been worse. The new iPhone could be coming out at the end of the week — oh, wait a minute. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      MARIJUANA

      The Justice Department reported Monday it will begin raiding California's medical marijuana stores. Whose side are they on? First they supply the Mexican drug cartel with automatic weapons and now they're closing down the American stores that compete with them. (Argus Hamilton)

      San Francisco is holding the first ever medical marijuana job fair. It isn't known how many people have landed jobs, but the food court has made a fortune. (Jim Barach

      San Francisco held a medical marijuana jobs fair at the Cow Palace Monday to fill all the job openings in pot stores in California. The hiring standards are pretty high. They refuse to hire anybody who's sick because the medical benefits eat up all the inventory. (Argus Hamilton)

      California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up. (Conan O'Brien)

      San Francisco hosted the first medical marijuana job fair. The keynote speech was titled, "Jobs and How to Avoid Getting One." (Jay Leno)

      The U.S. Attorney in San Diego is considering going after any media that advertises for medical marijuana dispensaries. Which means that Mrs. Fields, Domino’s Pizza and KFC could be charged as accomplices. (Jim Barach

      A Papa John's delivery guy called the cops on a man who was using medical marijuana. Yeah, a pizza guy called the cops on a stoner. It's all part of Papa John's new business plan — trying to put themselves out of business. (Jimmy Fallon)

      HANK WILLIAMS, JR.

      Hank Williams, Jr. made a reference to Hitler while excoriating Barack Obama and immediately lost his job as opening singer on Monday Night Football. They we're a tad unfeeling in notifying him. The six-word telegram read: "Are you ready for some unemployment?" (Bob Mills

      Hank Williams Jr. was fired by ESPN for comparing Barack Obama to Hitler. Don't act surprised. Ron Paul tried to warn us last week that if you let a president make a phone call to order a U. S. citizen knocked off in Yemen, that one day country singers would be next. (Argus Hamilton)

      Hank Williams Jr. got his ass kicked off of Monday Night Football. His crime was comparing Obama to Hitler on Fox News. Or as it used to be called, "The Glenn Beck Show." (Bill Maher

      If we are going to fire every Southern hillbilly who thinks Obama is like Hitler, who will be our Republican congressmen? (Bill Maher)

      Rick Perry assured Hank Williams that he has a job singing theme songs once Texas starts televising executions. (Bill Maher)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama paid tribute to Steve Jobs Thursday, prompting both parties to join in the eulogies. Democrats said there'll never be another one like him. Republicans said that is just more evidence that Jobs are not being created under the Obama Administration. (Argus Hamilton)

      They're saying President Obama doesn't have any friends. The problem is that he can't get Congress to approve one. (David Letterman)

      President Obama had beer with four unemployed construction workers. And Obama asked the guys what was it like to lose their jobs, and they were like, "Oh, you'll see." When the check came, Obama was like, "Do you guys want to split this five ways?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama raised $70 million for his campaign this summer. There's no word yet on whether he'll be giving that money to the 99% of American candidates who don't have any money. (Jake Novak)

      The White House held a state dinner for South Korea's president last night. It's not clear who was more upset about it, anti-free trade activists or the Obama's dog. (Jake Novak)

      President Obama says he sympathizes with the "Occupy Wall Street" protesters in New York. He likes how they keep bashing the brokers and the banks, but he can't understand why they don't also ask them for big campaign donations. (Jake Novak)

      President Obama announced that he is going to visit Detroit on Friday. Why? The Tigers are in the Playoffs, the Lions are undefeated, car sales are going through the roof - why ruin it with a presidential speech? They are doing fine. Don't go there. (Conan O'Brien)

      President Obama's jobs council is about to introduce a plan to get foreign countries to invest $1 trillion in the U. S. over the next five years. The plan mostly involves identity theft. (Jake Novak)

      The White House is apparently pushing to create more Latino-themed landmarks. Now that's in addition to our current Latino-themed landmark, California. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Today President Obama met with the Chicago Bears championship team from 1985. When she heard about Bears in the White House, Sarah Palin was like, "Maybe I will run for president!" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Bo the White House dog is 3 today. The difference between Bo and the economy is that Obama fixed the dog. (David Letterman)

      Hulk Hogan says he no longer supports President Obama. Yeah. But the president's not worried because he has the support of the Iron Sheik and Triple H. (Conan O'Brien)
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