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Humerus News 10-08-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-08-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Sarah Palin announced she s not running. Finally, a Palin who pulls out before
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 8, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-08-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Sarah Palin announced she's not running. Finally, a Palin who pulls out before it's too late. (Jay Leno)

      Mexico City is considering something unique: two-year marriage licenses. That way, if things work out, you just renew. If not, no messy divorce. Can the wedding ring rental biz be far behind? (Tim Hunter

      The Bank of England has injected 76 Million Pounds into the British economy. Which is about the same number of pounds McDonald's has injected into Americans. (Jim Barach

      This week the fat man bowed out of the Presidential race, and the fat lady sang at Yankee Stadium. (Janice Hough

      Brianna Amat, kicker on the Pickney High boys football team, was named homecoming queen during a game where she later booted the winning field goal. She's the first person in Michigan to wear a tiara and nail a clutch three-pointer since Dennis Rodman. (RJ Currie)

      A government audit revealed that last year the Justice Department spent $4 million for sweets and pastries served at conferences they hosted. Wow. Those have to be the most costly government tarts since Gary Hart's and Bill Clinton's. (Bob Mills)

      Hawaii has become the first state to call surfing an official high school sport. In California and Florida they are scoffing – it's not a sport until you can get paid in college for playing it. (Janice Hough)

      A German couple was kicked out of a stadium during a soccer match for having sex in the stands during a 0-0 tie. Apparently they were egged on by the crowd who just wanted to see anyone score. (Jim Barach)

      Police in Detroit have targeted the "Booty Lounge" -- a large bus fitted with two stages, steel poles and dancing girls -- that apparently serves as a Sunday strip club on wheels before Lions home games, The Associated Press. So what do you flag them for, backfields in motion? (Dwight Perry

      Big changes in the Republican field. It's a 10-way tie for Not Romney. (Stephen Colbert)

      HANK WILLIAMS JR.

      Hank Williams, Jr. is in hot water for comparing President Obama to Adolph Hitler, or, as he is knowns amongst NFL players, Roger Goodell. (Marc Ragovin)

      What was Hank Williams Jr. thinking when he said John Boehner's outing with the President was like golfing with Hitler? As if Hitler would have ever gone golfing with an orange person. (Janice Hough

      Hank Williams, Jr. was fired by ESPN because he compared President Obama to Adolf Hitler. That's a rookie mistake. (Craig Ferguson)

      Monday Night Football pulled the Hank Williams' opening song from Monday's game because of his controversial comments earlier in the day, when he likened President Obama to Hitler. ESPN said it was pulled of their "Third Reich and you're out" policy. (Tim Hunter)

      Hank Williams Jr's "Are you ready for some football," was dropped from the opening of MNF after the country singer compared President Obama to Hitler. Williams also added "They're the enemy… Obama! And Biden! Are you kidding? The Three Stooges." Sounds like his Hank's math skills are on a part with the rest of his intelligence. (Janice Hough

      After 22 years, "Monday Night Football" is dropping Hank Williams introduction song "Are You Ready For Some Football?" because Williams compared President Obama to Hitler; now if we could only get Flo the "Progressive Insurance" lady to compare Obama to Hitler. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Monday Night Football said they dismissed Hank Williams Jr, Williams says it was "MY" decision. In any case he and his song are gone. Standby soon for the singer's next gig – "Are you ready for some FOX News?" (Janice Hough

      Hank Williams Jr. is apologizing for comparing President Obama to Hitler. But the singer's' views are so conservative, you have to wonder, was he apologizing to fans of Obama or fans of Hitler? (Janice Hough

      NFL to Hank Williams: Are you ready for some mothballs? (Dwight Perry

      Hank Williams Jr. apologized for comparing President Obama to Adolf Hitler Sunday in a Fox News interview. It's all smoothed all over now. Within two days, the surviving members of the Hitler family appeared on German television and accepted Hank's apology. (Argus Hamilton

      THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES

      Mitt Romney speaks French and John Huntsman speaks Chinese. This is America, they need to speak Spanish. When Michele Bachmann heard they were bilingual, she said it's OK, as long as they don't get married. Of course, Michele Bachmann was never able to learn a second language, thanks to a vaccine she was given against her will as a child. (Jay Leno)

      Republican voters have been reduced to using the same criteria as a 4 a. m. barroom pickup: he has a pulse and no visible cold sores. (Stephen Colbert)

      A dead cat might still be more appealing than Mitt Romney. After all, a dead cat did not create the model for Obamacare. (Stephen Colbert)

      President Barack Obama is slamming the Republican presidential candidates who didn't denounce the people who booed a gay soldier at a GOP debate. And Congressman Barney Frank is slamming the Republicans who didn't get him that soldier's phone number. (Jake Novak)

      As the Republicans continue checking underneath every available flag pin and Bible for viable candidates, presumed de facto frontrunner candidate Mitt Romney has gotta be thinking, 'What the fudge? This is starting to hurt where my feelings should be.' (Jon Stewart)

      Sarah Palin called Herman Cain the "flavor of the month." Last night on the "Tonight Show," Cain cheerfully proclaimed himself "Haagan-Daas Black Walnut," saying he has ""substance." Maybe, but many people's experience with Haagan-Daas is that it's rich, looks good, seems like a great idea at first, but then after finishing it you think, "Ugh, why did I do that?" (Janice Hough)

      Will Herman Cain become the first black President -- that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he's an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he's a horse. (Stephen Colbert)

      Herman Cain said that as president, he will bring Republicans and Democrats together. He was the guy that brought pineapple and ham together on a pizza, so it wouldn't be surprising. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Herman Cain on the unemployed: "If you don't have a job and you're not rich, blame yourself!" I'm amazed he didn't add "Godfathers Pizza is hiring for minimum wage plus tips." (Janice Hough

      Herman Cain led the GOP polls Tuesday thanks to support from the Tea Party. Every week they want somebody besides Mitt Romney. When Rick Perry didn't pan out, the Republicans agreed to wait twenty-eight days until David Hasselhoff's released from rehab. (Argus Hamilton

      From a recent Michele Bachmann appearance on an Iowa radio show: A caller told her he would vote for serial killer Charles Manson over President Obama. "Hey, thank you for saying that," Bachmann replied. (Janice Hough

      Not looking good for Perry. In fact, earlier today, Herman Cain said that he would rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than Rick Perry. (Jay Leno)

      Presidential candidate and former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain says that Wall Street protesters need to blame themselves if they are not rich. Especially the ones who could only find work delivering pizzas for Godfather's. (Jim Barach)

      Rick Perry is pretty serious about running for President. Today he freed all of the slaves on his ranch. Did you hear about that? (Jay Leno)

      As governor of Texas, Rick Perry executed 236 people. Turns out many of them were guilty. (David Letterman)

      A month ago, all we heard about was Rick Perry and now, he's off the map. He had a worse September than the Red Sox. (Craig Ferguson)

      Rick Perry will undergo elective surgery to attach his disjointed nouns and verbs. Looking at Perry's goofy sentences in Florida recently, one may conclude that the governor is anti-semantic. (Mark Russell)

      In a new interview, Michele Bachmann said that quote, "China has blinded U. S. satellites with their lasers." Which explains Michele Bachmann's new campaign adviser: Gary Busey.(Jimmy Fallon)

      The founder of Home Depot announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. It's kind of a nice story, because Mitt Romney was actually assembled with parts from Home Depot.(Jimmy Fallon)

      Palin said she could help the country more by not running for president. Today, John McCain said, "Why didn't you tell me that three years ago?" (Jay Leno)

      Ron Paul was against the assassination of al Qaeda leader, Anwar al-Awlaki. Paul feels the proper way to assassinate someone is to have them appear like a crazy old fool on televised debates. (Alex Kaseberg)

      THE REPUBLICAN NON-CANDIDATES

      Sarah Palin announced that she will not run for president. The reason? She couldn't find her birth certificate. (Jay Leno)

      Last night Sarah Palin released a letter announcing that she will not run for president in 2012. That's right, Sarah Palin wrote a letter — which explains why her spellcheck had to be given CPR. Sarah Palin is not running for president, but she says she will help other candidates get elected. Yeah, those other candidates are named Barack Obama and Joe Biden.(Jimmy Fallon)

      Sarah Palin says she won't run for President, saying that her family comes first. Apparently she doesn’t want to subject them to what would happen to this country is she was actually elected. (Jim Barach)

      Sarah announced that she will not run for president in 2012, and said the decision was "prayerfully considered." Wonder if that means God responded to her prayer with "Are you out of your bleeping mind?" (Janice Hough

      Sarah Palin will not run for president, which is good news for Palin-haters, but bad news for the moose population. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Are you telling me that driving around the country in a bus with a giant picture of her face next to the Constitution was just a giant publicity stunt? I find that hard to believe. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      They say Chris Christie decided not to get into the presidential race because he has no shot at winning. That's not stopping President Obama though. (David Letterman)

      New Jersey governor Chris Christie will not run for president. The news takes the pressure off of several others. Not only Mitt Romney and Rick Perry, but also the White House chef.  (Alan Ray)

      They say Chris Christie decided not to get into the presidential race because he has no shot at winning. That's not stopping President Obama though. (Jay Leno)

      Gov. Chris Christie from New Jersey is not running for president. He weighed the pros, he weighed the cons, and then he weighed himself. I like the guy. This is a candidate we could have all gotten behind. (Craig Ferguson)

      New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he will not run for President in 2012. That leaves GOP voters to just have to sort out from the 25 people who are currently running. (Jim Barach)

      New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie officially announced that he will not be running for president. Do we really want a president who looks like an American League umpire? If he did run, Republicans would have had to choose between Chris Christie and Rick Perry. One is morbidly obese, and the other is morally obtuse. (David Letterman)

      Chris Christie is a huge guy. If he was president, he'd eat us out of White House and home. When he says he wants to eat Chinese, people in Beijing go into hiding. (Wendel Potter)

      Chris Christie announced that he will not run for president. I don't think you have to announce that, I think you just don't run. Not only did Christie say he's not going to run, he's also not going to jog or walk anymore. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Hey, Congratulations to Donald Trump, who just welcomed his fourth grandchild! You could tell it was Trump's grandchild because as soon as it came out, it demanded to see its own birth certificate.(Jimmy Fallon)

      MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYOFFS

      There was a squirrel at the Cards-Phillies game. And, it wasn't Bud Selig. (Jerry Perisho)

      What's the difference between the Red Sox and the Yankees? About a week. (Janice Hough

      Baseball’s postseason continues. It’s the time of year when the novice fan has to be explained the rules of the game. “Players are allowed 3 strikes and 4 balls, Mr. Selig.” (Alan Ray

      Meaningless statistics in baseball: From ESPN --"Delmon Young's solo homer in Monday's game was the sixth go-ahead, game-winning shot in the seventh inning or later vs. the Yankees during the wild-card era. The last was David Ortiz's walk-off homer in 2004 that started the Red Sox's historic comeback in the ALCS." (Janice Hough

      The Detroit Tigers are great. The entire team was put together with government bailout money. (David Letterman)

      THE OCCUPY WALLSTREET MARCH

      Union members joined the young demonstrators in the "Occupy Wall Street" protest yesterday. Now the kids are hoping the union guys will teach them how to not work and still get paid for it! (Jake Novak)

      The Wall Street protesters say they 'want a voice'. The people who live Near the protests wish they wanted a bath. (Jake Novak)

      New York's Occupy Wall Street protesters argued among themselves Tuesday about whether they should sew their own sleeping bags with winter coming or engage in capitalism and buy them. Also, they argued over whether to beg for food or buy donuts. It took two hours in the real world to convert the entire movement to supply-side economics. (Argus Hamilton

      Just as Susan Sarandon joined the anti-corporate protesters in Lower Manhattan, a huge billboard of her endorsing a Japanese clothing chain that uses sweat shop Chinese labor has gone up in Midtown. Perhaps Sarandon was protesting the fact that there just aren't enough jobs for eight-year-old Chinese kids. (Jake Novak)

      'The 'Occupy Wall Street' movement has basically been a four-week downtown Manhattan live-in, which has spread to cities all around the country, causing the media to move its coverage dial from 'Blackout' to 'Circus'. (Jon Stewart)

      More than 700 protestors were arrested over the weekend for blocking traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. They say the best way to fight corporate greed is to make random people sit in traffic while they're trying to visit their aunt in Brooklyn. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      It's the third week of the Wall Street protests and they've closed down an entire Manhattan street. And then, the cops asked Michael Moore to move. (Craig Ferguson)

      AMANDA KNOX

      American exchange student Amanda Knox has been freed after spending four years in an Italian prison on a murder conviction. Emerging from her dank cell into the bright Rome sunshine, she told reporters the first thing she plans to do is take a long, leisurely hike along the Iran-Iraq border. (Bob Mills)

      Amanda Knox has been set free by an Italian jury. After having the "Jersey Shore" kids over there, they didn't think she was so bad. (Jay Leno)

      Amanda Knox has been acquitted. She got a congratulatory phone call from O. J. (David Letterman)

      Amanda Knox is finally home and she says she doesn't want to do anything that reminds her of Italy. So last night, they went to the Olive Garden. (David Letterman)

      Amanda Knox is back home from Italy. Next week, she'll be on "Dancing With the Stars." (David Letterman)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Award-winning celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse has signed with the Hallmark Channel to host a new cooking show featuring haute cuisine of the South. Hallmark will sponsor the as yet unnamed program, but they do have a motto -- "When You Care Enough to Deep-fry the Very Best." (Bob Mills

      Last week, Barack Obama was confronted by a heckler at LA's House of Blues. American citizens from coast-to-coast were shocked. With unemployment and the national debt at an all-time high, we have a president who's spending time in The House of Blues? (Bob Mills

      In a new interview, President Obama revealed that Steve Jobs gave him an iPad last year before it was officially released. Unfortunately, it broke when Biden thought it was an Etch A Sketch and started shaking it.(Jimmy Fallon)

      Michelle and Barak Obama celebrated their anniversary the other day. He gave her something small and personal. A copy of his approval ratings. (Alan Ray)

      Hey, congratulations to the Obamas, who are celebrating their 19th wedding anniversary today. They were going to go out to dinner, but they couldn't find a sitter for Biden.(Jimmy Fallon)

      Actually, President Obama did take Michelle out to a lovely dinner on Saturday. It was a little awkward, though. When the bill came, Obama just put it on the tab of the Chinese couple sitting next to them. (Craig Ferguson)

      Happy anniversary to President Obama and the first lady. They had a nice private dinner to celebrate the 19th anniversary of the last time someone said "yes" to an Obama proposal. (Craig Ferguson)

      In response to those who are denigrating Michelle Obama's "Let's Move" campaign against child obesity "I think it's a really good goal to encourage kids to eat better. I've struggled with my weight for 30 years, and it's a struggle. And if a kid can avoid that in his or her adult years, more power to them, and I think the first lady's speaking out well." (Chris Christie)

      Today first lady Michelle Obama made a surprise visit to the Secret Service headquarters. Michelle was like, "You guys are great. But since I was able to surprise you, you're fired."(Jimmy Fallon)

      ADMINISTRATION

      The Department of Energy official in charge of the loan program that gave that money to Solyndra has stepped down. He's now getting a job signing overpriced free agents for the New York Yankees. (Jake Novak)

      THE CONGRESS

      A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that "less than no one" thinks they're doing a good job. (Jay Leno)

      The House has passed a spending bill that will fund the government for another six weeks. Apparently Congress is trying to keep things going until they come back from their next vacation. (Jim Barach)

      Senator Harry Reid wants to impose a 5% surcharge on millionaires to pay for President Obama's $500 billion jobs bill. It's not clear if any of that 5% will include the minimum $100,000 the President expects from each of them in campaign donations. (Jake Novak)

      THE MILITARY

      Now that "Don't Ask Don't Tell" has been abolished, gays may now serve openly in the military. Most are immediately assigned to undercover intelligence work -- hanging around antique stores in Iraq and Afghanistan and reporting anything suspicious by carrier peacock. (Bob Mills)

      THE STATES

      Florida announced that they are moving their presidential primary to January, and it will be the first in the nation. If there's one state that is known for organized, reliable voting. (Craig Ferguson)

      California Governor Jerry Brown has signed a bill preventing outlawing male circumcision. Apparently he feels this is just not the time for the government to be looking for more cuts. (Jim Barach)

      The Utah state legislature passed a measure requiring saloon-owners to install barriers to separate bartenders from patrons. Apparently it's a biblical requirement -- like their rule that all margarita glasses must be pre-salted in the Lake. (Bob Mills

      Alabama has begun enforcing the nation’s toughest immigration law. People who are here illegally will be subject to deportation. Native Americans say it’s 519 years too late. (Alan Ray)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Little Rock, Arkansas vice detectives working on a tip nabbed a man they had nicknamed the "Toe Suck Fairy" after his MO of stalking young women just to suck on their toes. Police have confirmed that the suspect who identified himself as Dr. Scholl does possess a legitimate medical degree. (Bob Mills)

      There's a company in Alabama that will load the ashes of your loved one into bullets and shotgun shells. The line "they'll never find a man of that caliber" is standing by. (Tim Hunter

      In So. Cal, a former model in prison for murdering her husband and eating parts of his body, is seeking parole. As for what parts of her dead husband she ate, let's just say she deserves to be in the penal system. (Alex Kaseberg)

      L.A. firefighters won’t be disciplined for allowing fire trucks to be used in porn movies. Apparently city council members didn’t want to make a big deal about how they knew that fire trucks were being used in porn movies. (Jim Barach)

      Donald Trump's Taj Mahal Casino Resort in Atlantic City is offering $25,000 worth of plastic surgery to the winner in a player's card game. Rick Perry said if he wins he wants to trade in the prize for an appointment with The Donald's hairdresser. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      According to a recent study by Travel & Leisure Magazine, New York's Times Square is the world's most popular tourist attraction. The researchers discovered that tourists often cite attractions they've never been to, so they now have a more accurate method -- they ask the pickpockets.  (Bob Mills

      THE ECONOMY

      Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee that the economic recovery is close to faltering. On the bright side, most Americans won't be affected because we had no idea there was a recovery. (Jay Leno)

      In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items — like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut. (Jay Leno)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Apple introduced its new iPhone Tuesday with a voice-activated personal assistant named Siri inside the phone. She takes personal commands from the user and answers questions out loud in English. It's a big hit already just for the around-the-clock phone sex. (Argus Hamilton

      Bank of America's CEO Brian Moynihan, defended his bank's new $5 fee on debit cards on Wednesday, saying the bank has a "right to make a profit." What he didn't say, however, is that when they don't make a profit, they also reserve the right to ask taxpayers for a bailout. (Janice Hough

      Citibank will soon charge $15 a month for checking accounts with less than $6,000. Finally, someone's sticking it to those people with less than $6,000!(Jimmy Fallon)

      Citibank began charging customers who have a checking account balance less than six thousand dollars a fee of fifteen dollars a month Monday. Customers are in a real bind. If they have less than six thousand dollars in their account they get hit by banking fees and if they have more than six thousand dollars in their account Obama thinks they're rich. (
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