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Humerus News 10-01-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-30-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK It s the first day of fall, or as the Republicans call it, the end of global
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 1 3:48 AM
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-30-11


      It's the first day of fall, or as the Republicans call it, "the end of global warming." (Jay Leno

      It's Friday morning. And Generalissimo Francisco Franco, the Atlanta Braves, and the Boston Red Sox are still dead. (Janice Hough

      According to a new Bloomberg poll, the most popular politician in America today is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, with an approval rating of 64 percent. Being the most popular politician in America today is like being the most popular herpes sufferer in the kissing booth. (Reeder & Ainsworth)

      Hallmark has launched a line of recession-themed cards that say, "Sorry you lost your job." The good news is, the cards come pre-addressed to your congressman. (Conan O'Brien

      Police in London, Ontario, have charged a man for the banana-throwing incident at an NHL preseason game. The accused will face a heavy fine with no chance of a peel. (RJ Currie)

      Federal agents want to take more wood from the Gibson guitar company. Their heavy handed efforts have struck a wrong chord with the company which is getting amped up because they feel they are being picked on. (Jim Barach

      It's been a rough week. It started with "Dancing with the Stars". Hope Solo, Chynna Phillips and Kristin Cavallari are all right there, and Nancy Grace is the one who has the wardrobe malfunction. OK, OK, yes, it could have been Chaz Bono. (Tim Hunter

      Since October is National Vegetarian Month, I pledge to stop watching presidential candidate debates since the participants are full of bull. (Nancy Jo Perdue

      A survey says that one in three CEOs expect to start hiring in the next six months. Not in their companies, just their personal chefs, valets and chauffeurs. (Jim Barach


      Did you see the Republican debate last night? It was brought to you by FOX and Google. I think that makes sense that they were working together because Google is what people go to, to fact check the bullshit that comes out of FOX. (Bill Maher

      Since the debate was in Florida, it was tough to get an audience, because that's the time "Wheel of Fortune" is on. (Jay Leno

      Herman Cain won the Republican straw poll in Florida. Cain has had more wins in Florida this year than the Miami Dolphins. (Jay Leno

      Mitt Romney says he wants Sarah Palin to run for president to make the race "more exciting." Although with Mitt Romney running, even Al Gore on Ambien would make the race more exciting. (Jimmy Fallon

      Quote from Mitt Romney today "We ought to provide help to the people who have been hurt most by the Obama economy. And that's the middle class, It's not those at the very low end; it's certainly not those at the very high end. It's for the great middle class — the 80 to 90 percent of us in this country." As Tonto said "Who's 'we', white man?" (Janice Hough

      Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry today blasted President Obama’s decision to kill a terrorist in Yemen: “There are plenty of perfectly good people to execute right here in America.” (Andy Borowitz) 

      Rick Perry did look dumb. I'm beginning to think that "Texas Miracle" was him getting out of high school. (Bill Maher

      Rick Perry did so badly at the last debate, that President Obama turned to Michelle and said, "Honey, you can stop packing." (David Letterman

      Perry sounded like a sixth grader who didn't do the reading – garbled syntax, messing up simple facts, sentences that went nowhere. Sarah Palin was watching and she said, 'If only he was black, I'd f**k him. (Bill Maher

      President Obama is criticizing Rick Perry for denying global warming. Can understand why Rick Perry doesn't take global warming seriously. As governor of Texas, he's probably fried more people than global warming all put together. (Jay Leno

      Perry said he didn't do well because he was exhausted. Sure, he's exhausted from executing all those people. (David Letterman

      Larry Flynt is offering $1 million if someone came up with proof that Rick Perry had an illicit sexual liaison. But I say, Larry, really we don't have to do that. We already came up with a way to embarrass Rick Perry. It's called debates. (Bill Maher

      Hustler's Larry Flynt offered a million dollar reward to anybody who can prove they had an illicit sexual relationship with Rick Perry. It's a service to the country. By now it's a proven fact that the U.S. economy does better when we have a president with sex scandals. (Argus Hamilton

      Rick Perry says fellow conservatives 'have no heart', admits he has no brains, looks for someone with no courage to join Dorothy to find the Wizard. (Mario Mariotti)

      Mitt Romney came to New York to meet with Donald Trump. First thing, Trump asked to see Romney's birth certificate, and then they got down to business. (David Letterman

      Herman Cain won a GOP straw poll in Florida Saturday as Mitt Romney won the GOP straw poll in Michigan. Ron Paul won the GOP straw poll in California. Nothing's going to be decided till they all ride a horse and we see which one looks most like Ronald Reagan. (Argus Hamilton

      If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U. S. serviceman for being gay. I don't know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul's new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing." (Bill Maher

      Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul is condemning the Obama administration for killing an American born al-Qaida operative without a trial. Paul, says the killing of Anwar al-Awlaki on Yemeni soil amounts to an "assassination." Paul warned the American people not to casually accept such violence against U.S. citizens, even those with strong ties to terrorism. (Steve Peoples)

      Newt Gingrich suggests, "Marriage is between a man and woman, It has been for all of recorded history and I think this is a temporary aberration that will dissipate." Gingrich is himself an expert on the institution of marriage and its history. He is now on his third marriage, and he originally began seeing his current wife Callista by having an affair during his second marriage -- at the same time as he was pursuing the impeachment of President Bill Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky scandal. (Erik Kleefeld)

      Gov. Chris Christie keeps saying he's not running for president. On the other hand, he would consider running for Santa. (David Letterman

      Palin's doppelganger, Michele Bachmann, was asked at the debate about the HPV vaccine, which she said was potentially dangerous. She said, 'I didn't make that claim, nor did I make that statement. Which she obviously did, we have it. It's one thing to say you don't believe in evolution, you don't believe in global warming. But videotape? You gotta believe in video tape. (Bill Maher

      You gotta love Sarah Palin. She is now on her website asking her idiot fan base for donations for her to help make a decision about whether or not to run. She wants money now for just thinking? What a grifter. (Bill Maher


      Ninety-two year old Andy Rooney will bid his fans adieu on Sunday's edition of 60 Minutes after 1,096 "Visits From Andy Rooney" and three decades of complaining, kvetching, and harping about everything from gas prices to long lines at the DMV. Andy has been around for so long, when he was hired the stopwatch at the start of the show was a sun dial. No one can say he's not exiting stage right with class. He's donated his typewriter to the Smithsonian Museum and his eyebrows to Sy Sperling's Institute of Hair. (Bob Mills)

      This Sunday will mark the final appearance of "A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney." The 92 year-old commentator is retiring after appearing on the show since 1968 and doing over 1,000 shows, where he griped about every little annoyance from milk cartons to parking meters. Well, at least we finally know what the retirement age is at "60 Minutes." (Reeder & Ainsworth

      Andy Rooney is stepping down from "60 Minutes." CBS announced that they'll be replacing him with Ashton Kutcher. Whoever they get to replace Andy will have some big eyebrows to fill. (Craig Ferguson)

      Andy Rooney will make his final appearance on CBS's "60 Minutes" show this Sunday. His eyebrows however plan to play Chewbacca in the stage version of "Star Wars". (Jerry Perisho


      The Braves lost five in a row to end the season. Was this the worst week in Atlanta history not involving Sherman? (Janice Hough

      Boston hasn't seen so much choking since Albert DeSalvo. (Marc Ragovin)

      The Boston Red Sox experienced the worst September fall in baseball history; some experts are calling it downright Rick Perry-like. To give you an idea how bad it is, even Chicago Cubs fans feel sorry for the Red Sox. (Alex Kaseberg

      And in Boston, at least the Patriots can rest easy. Their blowing a 21-0 lead in the fourth quarter last Sunday will now never be the most talked about sports collapse in town. (Janice Hough

      Q: What fashion accessory figures to be this holiday season's most popular gag gift? A: Braves and Red Sox chokers. (Dwight Perry)

      Many are wondering if it was God's will that the Rays and Cardinals ended up in the playoffs. And God has allegedly replied "Don't pin this on me, I'm still trying to replace Peyton Manning on my fantasy football teams." (Janice Hough)


      A new poll says if he were a CEO, President Obama would be fired. Obama says he's okay with that as long as he gets the customary $100 million severance package. (Jake Novak

      Pres. Obama's chief political advisor David Axelrod says Obama faces a "Titanic struggle" to get reelected. This fueled the rumor that Obama will dump Joe Biden and instead make his vice president Celine Dion.(Jerry Perisho

      President Obama was heckled by a protestor who called him "The Antichrist." The protestor was detained, but released without being charged, and then later he was offered his own show on Fox News. (Jay Leno

      Obama was heckled by someone who said, "Don't forget about medical marijuana." The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L. A. (Conan O'Brien

      Obama says he will be reforming "No Child Left Behind". That's not to be confused with Michelle Obama's childhood obesity campaign, "No Child Left With a Big Behind." (Jay Leno)

      Lady Gaga showed up at one of Pres. Obama's political fundraisers in the Silicon Valley. That's exciting, the most powerful person in the world meeting with the President. It cost $38,500 per couple to attend, or roughly what Lady Gaga pays her butcher to prepare her evening wear. (Jerry Perisho

      If you donate $5 to President Obama's re-election fund, you have a chance to have dinner with him. The first lady will even come around and personally knock the dessert right out of your hand. (Jimmy Kimmel

      President Obama was in San Diego and traffic was a huge mess. There was even a three-hour backup tunneling in from Mexico. (Jay Leno


      Thanks to a deal in Congress, there will be no government shutdown and there will be no need for emergency votes on the Jewish New Year of Rosh Hashanah. That means Jewish Congressman will be able to blow the shofar and Barney Frank will be able to blow the chauffeur. (Jake Novak)

      North Carolina Governor Bev Perdue says congressional elections should be suspended until the country gets back on track. A better idea would be to suspend their paychecks until they do something to fix the economy. (Jim Barach

      House Republicans yesterday released their draft budget proposal for labor, health, and human service, which in one fell swoop revives the assault on all their favorite bugaboos, including Planned Parenthood, National Public Radio, the National Labor Relations Board, and President Obama’s health care reform law. Perhaps most surprisingly for a party that claims to be focused on job creation, the GOP budget reduces funding for job training programs that give the unemployed the skills they need to find work in an ailing economy. The plan proposed by House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan (R-WI) — and approved by almost the entire GOP caucus — gutted federal job training funding by nearly 50 percent. (Marie Diamond)


      So. Car. Deem. Gov. Bev Perdue suggested this week that Congress suspend its elections next year to concentrate on fixing the economy. While erdue claimed ishe was being sarcastic, Russ Limbaugh replied, "The next time they tell you how stupid Sarah Palin is or Michele Bachmann, just think back to this day and North Carolina Governor Beverly Perdue," (Rob Christensen & John Frank)

      Massachusetts has eliminated lifetime alimony requirements. So, if your spouse suddenly suggests you move to Boston, hire a private investigator. (Jake Novak

      New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie vetoed a tax break for "Jersey Shore." The veto made Snooki so angry that she turned orange-red. (Conan O'Brien)

      4,200 California state prison inmates have been on a hunger strike since Monday. Now if they also take away their free cable TV and cell phones, they might find out what life is like for everyone in California who isn't in prison. (Jake Novak

      An Indiana Republican state lawmaker reportedly arranged to meet a young man online and allegedly exposing himself when the pair subsequently met in person. E-mails suggest Republican Rep. Phillip Hinkle arranged to pay Kameryn Gibson up to $140 for "for a really good time." The Indianapolis Star published emails between Hinkle and Gibson detailing a plan for them to meet at a downtown Indianapolis hotel. The pair reportedly connected on Craigslist. Gibson indicated in a listing to which Hinkle responded that he is 20 years old. According to the Star, however, Gibson says he is actually just 18. Hinkle, who is 64 and was first elected in 2000, voted this spring for a constitutional gay marriage ban. (Huff Post)


      Police in Los Angeles are looking for vandals who broke into the Obama campaign office. They said it was probably done by someone who was angry at the president. Well, that narrows it down. (Craig Ferguson)

      Someone smashed the windows in President Obama's L. A. campaign office. And today, Joe Biden said it was likely the work of vandals, and definitely not someone who forgot their key and had to go to the bathroom. (Jimmy Fallon

      Several officials at the L. A. Coliseum are accused of charging the taxpayers for thousands of dollars worth of unnecessary fillups for their cars. But the Coliseum workers say they needed the gas to help bring dozens of USC football players to and from all their court appearances. (Jake Novak)

      A man in California shot his neighbor after the neighbor refused to redirect spotlights that were shining into the shooter's master bedroom. It wasn't the lights that pushed the guy over the edge -- it was those hand shadows of bunnies while he was trying to make love to his wife. (Bob Mills

      5000 Utahans who ran through Salt Lake City in their briefs, knickers and bras are claiming they smashed the old record of 550. But Guinness may dispute it because some of the men wore shirts. I have no idea what the over/under is on that. (RJ Currie)

      Salt Lake City had three thousand protesters run in their underwear to protest what they call Utah's uptight laws, The new bar law requiring a divider between bartender and customer was the last straw. You shouldn't have to write your drink order on a piece of paper and push it into the cracks of a wall and pray that your drink request is answered. (Argus Hamilton

      Four Manhattan subway stations now offer commuters free wi-fi. Could cost more than it's worth, though. Anyone who would get on a New York subway with a $2500 Apple laptop without a couple of $100 an hour, Blackwater-trained bodyguards is asking for it. (Bob Mills

      A Montgomery Alabama judge gives convicted defendants a choice of jail, a fine or a promise to attend church services every Sunday. He views it as an accurate test of what's more popular -- conjugal visits, Alexander Hamilton or Jesus. (Bob Mills


      What if Herman Cain was the Republican nominee and the first name of the Democratic candidate was Abel. What if they were brothers and their parents names were Adam and Eve and what if they lived in Eden North Carolina. (Jeremy Alperin)

      The Tea Party plans to convene its own debt-reduction "super-committee" meeting prior to the GOP's. It will be held at a Miami Beach Denny's at the suggestion of Michelle Bachman. Denny's is so grateful, they named a new breakfast after her -- The "Grand Slam Thank You Ma'am." (Bob Mills

      The Tea Party announced they will hold their own debt reduction super-committee meeting at a Denny's in Florida this week. They're setting a great example. The surest way to lower the national deficit is to have the whole country eat at Denny's before five o'clock. (Argus Hamilton


      President Barack Obama has called for $1.5 trillion in tax increases primarily on the wealthy. When Donald Trump heard this, he got so upset he nearly fell off of his pure gold toilet. (Alex Kaseberg)


      Hallmark is selling unemployment sympathy cards. The worst part is they are being used by bosses to give to workers instead of pink slips. (Jim Barach

      Hallmark rolled out a line of layoff cards Monday which allows you to console family members and friends who have lost their jobs. The cards are written to be humorous but sales so far are low. Nobody wants the cards unless they're in the shape of a money-holder. (Argus Hamilton)

      Bank of America recently cut 30,000 jobs, today they announced a new monthly $5 fee for debit cards. If corporations really are people they are making a lot of folks' in-laws look pretty good. Bank of America once used the slogan "Bank of Opportunity." Now they are thinking of changing it to "Because we can." (Janice Hough

      Bank of America is going to charge a $5 a month fee for customers who use their debit card. Even the airlines think that’s going a bit too far. (Jim Barach

      A factory in Americus, Georgia is making chopsticks and selling them to the Chinese. Taking coal to Newcastle, you say? Well, the Chinese have all of our money that pays for some of the tastiest food in the world. It's only fitting that we're allowed to help them eat it. (Bob Mills)  

      A group of unpaid interns are suing a film company for not teaching them anything. The film company said they did teach them something: Show business is about screwing people over. (Conan O'Brien

      CBS News has exposed several Indian tribes operating usurious loan companies online that are exempt from state or federal laws that control interest rates. Some loan contracts are so strict, they allow repayment only in rifles or firewater. (Bob Mills

      The Census Bureau reports that 77% of commuters drive to work alone. Which is probably just as well. If they doubled up they'd have even more cash to squander on office collections for silly baby shower gifts, parties for retirees who'd rather just leave, and football pools that only the jocks in Shipping & Receiving ever win. (Bob Mills

      The Friendly's restaurant chain may file for bankruptcy. It turns out serving only oversized burgers and ice cream sundaes kills profits faster than it kills people. (Jake Novak

      SONY wants movie theaters to pay for 3D glasses for moviegoers. Apparently they don’t want to cover the extra fifty cent cost per pair of glasses. Although they have no problem jacking up the price two bucks when a movie is shown in 3D. (Jim Barach


      German scientists in Berlin have developed an automobile that operates itself without the aid of a human driver. Unfortunately, it quickly seems top adapt the bad habits of its owner. Already, one was pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence of WD-40. (Bob Mills

      A committee says the government should help airlines pay for new equipment for improvements for air traffic controllers. If they want to improve air traffic controllers’ performance, how much can a few alarm clocks cost? (Jim Barach

      Leisha Hailey, who starred on the Showtime series The L Word, says that she and her girlfriend were escorted off of a Southwest flight for kissing each other. What made it worse is that from the jet to the terminal, there were three stops. (Tim Hunter)

      The first long-awaited Dreamliner has rolled off the Boeing assembly line, destined to join the fleet of All Nippon Airlines. The new aircraft features space-age technology and a completely re-configured cockpit with a tube that the pilot blows into and if he's not sober, the thing won't start. (Bob Mills

      A woman airline passenger is suing Homeland Security because her Afro was searched at the Atlanta Airport. Their own fault. She probably wouldn't have objected if they hadn't used a pitchfork. (Bob Mills)  


      The trial of Michael Jackson's physician, Dr. Conrad Murray, opened in Los Angeles Tuesday. Construction workers do not yet have the circus tent over the Criminal Courts Building. (Jerry Perisho

      A Connecticut man was given probation for lewd acts because he blamed them on Viagra; he's lucky, otherwise he was facing a stiff sentence. (Alex Kaseberg

      A couple on vacation in Colorado claimed they had no idea where $10 million worth of cocaine found in their rental car during a routine traffic stop came from. The name alone should have raised some suspicion -- "Across the Alley From the Alamo Car Rental"? (Bob Mills)

      A Wisconsin cemetery worker has been charged with stealing a guitar from a casket. Apparently the deceased was looking for an audition with the Grateful Dead,  (Jim Barach

      NASA & SPACE

      A defunct 6-and-a-half-ton climate satellite is scheduled to crash into Earth on Friday, though scientists can't tell exactly when or where just yet. I'm more concerned with that humongous scale they used to weigh the six-and-a-half-ton satellite. When that scale comes down we're going to be in a heap of trouble. (Panama Dan/The Onion)

      N.A.S.A. says they may never know where the satellite that crashed this week landed. They're planning to wait until it shows up on eBay. (Jay Leno


      President Obama addressed the U.N. General Assembly in New York Thursday where he assured the world that the U.S. remains strong. He began the speech by declaring that the U.S. dollar is sound. It always helps to get the crowd on your side by opening with a joke. (Argus Hamilton

      The International Labor Organization says the global economy is facing a major jobs shortfall. Don't blame us, we've been sending you our jobs for the last 20 years. (Jay Leno)


      According to a new study, up to 25% of Canadians admit to looking online when what they are getting from their spouse isn't enough. The rest watch boxing. (RJ Currie)


      The Mexican peso hit its lowest point since March of 2009. In fact, things got so bad, it was seen leaving a bar with the American dollar. (Jimmy Fallon)


      Britain is waging war on litter in London for the 2012 Olympics with new garbage cans that say thank you or sing when rubbish is put in. Think of it as trash talking. (RJ Currie)


      Russia's finance minister Alexei Kudrin suddenly resigned Monday. Kudrin said he'd watched Sarah Palin do the same thing; he can see Alaska from his front porch. (Jerry Perisho

      A Turkish morgue has reportedly installed motion-detecting alarms in hopes of seeing the dead coming back to life. In a related story, motion detectors were just removed from the Red Sox locker room. (RJ Currie)


      A Saudi court sentenced a woman to ten lashes for driving a car without government permission. They have given her permission to text while being lashed.(Jerry Perisho

      Starting in 2015, women in Saudi Arabia will be allowed to run for office. Of course, if you're caught voting for them, you'll get s

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