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Humerus News 09-24-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    . WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-24-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 24, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-24-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical. (David Letterman)

      My next-door neighbor’s two dogs have created more shovel-ready jobs than this current administration. (Russ Limbough & Gary Johnson)

      A new study found that quitting smoking can actually improve your memory. Which explains why President Obama is finally starting to remember those campaign promises he made. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A pet rabbit saved an Alaska woman and her family from an early-morning house fire by scratching on her chest to wake her. Sounds like a hare-raising ordeal. (RJ Currie)

      Trying to get today's Republican to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a piece of baloney, hold their snout shut, and stroke their throats. And even then, just when you think they've swallowed it, they spit it out on the linoleum. (Bill Maher)

      A college golf tournament in Texas was cut short because of a swarm of bees at the 18th hole. And here everyone thought golf was just a game for WASPs. (Jim Barach

      Let me summarize the Emmy's for you: a bunch of people you never heard of won awards for shows you didn't know existed and Jon Stewart won again. (Tim Hunter)

      Oklahoma University has given Bob Stoops a seven-year extension worth $34.7 million. And the really good news is that it doesn't count against the team's salary cap. (Bill Littlejohn)

      Engineers  in Japan have entered a robot to compete in an Ironman triathlon next month. Big deal. The other night on CNN, I watched eight robots compete for president. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Inspired by the Lingerie Football League, there is now in the Los Angeles area a fourteam Lingerie Basketball League. The uniforms are similar, but there is more bounce in basketball. (Cam Hutchinson)  

      A Nebraska man installed a fighter-jet engine into a school bus, turning it into a high-speed dragster. I'm thinking I'd want to go 367 mph, too, if I had to drive kids to school every day." (Cam Hutchinson)

      Some baseball teams are limiting the number of energy drinks their players can consume. The sport has gotten so slow that even the players need something to keep them awake through an entire game. (Jim Barach

      REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES & DEBATE

      I've been watching the Republican debates. I watched these eight clowns on the stage and at the end I wanted to raise my hand and say, 'I don't believe in evolution." (Bill Maher)

      Ron Paul won the Republican California Straw Poll. Unfortunately for Paul, California is about as relevant to the GOP nationally as he is. (Janice Hough)

      Republicans are already denouncing President Obama's minimum tax for millionaires as "Class Warfare." Well, if true, this might be the first type of warfare the GOP doesn't support. (Janice Hough)

      There's a big fight within the Republican party because of Rick Perry's decision to give girls the HPV vaccine, which the right wing hates because it's a mandate. Republicans hate the word mandate almost as much as they hate an actual man date.  (Bill Maher)

      Mitt Romney bashed Rick Perry tonight about allowing illegal immigrants to pay in-state tuition rates at the Texas universities. Many Texans agree with him – there's no way such students should get such a break – unless they can run really fast while carrying (or chasing someone with) a football.  (Janice Hough)

      "Protecting young girls from cervical cancer? Rick Perry left himself vulnerable to charges of having a tiny speck of humanity, which is very bad for a Republican candidate. So he announced a new policy for Texas. For every child who gets the HPV vaccine, he will execute two Mexicans. (Bill Maher)

      Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry is being criticized for not having a clear foreign policy. Apparently he feels Texas doesn't really need a foreign policy until it completely secedes from the union. (Jim Barach)

      Texas Gov. Rick Perry is taking some flack for having billed state taxpayers $294,000 for his travel security. But in Perry's defense, at least half of that was to keep his hair in place. (Janice Hough)

      After the debate where the HPV issue came up, Michele Bachmann said she had a discussion with a woman who came to her and said that her daughter had taken the vaccine and had become mentally retarded. And Michele Bachmann said, "Mom?" (Bill Maher)

      Rick Perry said, "I only took $5,000 from Merck. Are you saying I can be bought for $5,000? I'm offended.' This is how degraded our politics are. How dare you call me a cheap whore. I will have you know I'm a high-priced whore." (Bill Maher)

      Quote from Mitt Romney today "We ought to provide help to the people who have been hurt most by the Obama economy. And that's the middle class, It's not those at the very low end; it's certainly not those at the very high end. It's for the great middle class — the 80 to 90 percent of us in this country." As Tonto said "Who's 'we', white man?" (Janice Hough)

      Rep. Bachmann addressed a Tea Party rally, bemoaning the expiration of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: "I for one can tell you that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell has been the key to many successful marriages." (Andy Borowitz)

      Touring a meat processing plant in Iowa, Michele Bachmann was photographed among hanging beef. "Hanging lifeless meat". Bachmann said it reminded her of her honeymoon. In Chicago, they have a name for lifeless beef carcasses: they call them unregistered voters. (Jerry Perisho)

      At a campaign stop in Florida today, Gov. Perry addressed the prospect of an electrified fence being erected on the United States' northern border. "My position on electrocution is a matter of public record," he said. "I'm for it." (Andy Borowitz

      Michigan congressman Thaddeus McCotter has dropped out of the presidential race. This was almost as much of a surprise to people as knowing that Thaddeus McCotter was running for President. (Jim Barach)

      'I have no problem with homosexuality. I have a problem with homosexual acts. If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. (Rick Santorum)

      We don't need to rewrite the Constitution of the United States of America, we need to reread the Constitution and enforce the Constitution. And I know that there are some people that are not going to do that, so for the benefit of those who are not going to read it because they don't want us to go by the Constitution, there's a little section in there that talks about "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Don't stop there, keep reading. Cause that's when it says "when any form of government becomes destructive of those ideals, it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it."  (Herman Cain quoting from the Declaration of Independence, not the Constitution)

      TAXES

      A poll says that two thirds of Americans are in favor of higher taxes for the wealthy. The other third were asking "The wealthy pay taxes?" (Jim Barach)

      President Obama will reveal a new budget plan today that relies on taxing the rich more. But it's not clear how the plan will work after all the millionaires move to the Cayman Islands. (Jake Novak)

      President Obama has proposed a new tax increase called the ‘Buffett rule.’ At first, Newt Gingrich was for it because he thought it was the ‘buffet rule.’ (David Letterman)

      Okay, all these people complaining about facts like "The top 10% of earners in this country pay 70 % of the taxes, leave out facts like "The top 1% of earners make more than the bottom 50% combined." It's like saying "The Yankees pay the highest luxury tax in MLB, we should cut it to be fairer to them." (Janice Hough)

      The poster child for President Obama's tax increase, Warren Buffett's secretary, pays a higher tax rate than her multibillion-dollar boss. I wonder how she feels about being mentioned in the media more often than Lindsay Lohan. (Mark Russell)

      If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money, other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist? (Stephen Colbert)

      President Barack Obama has called for $1.5 trillion in tax increases primarily on the wealthy. When Donald Trump heard this, he got so upset he nearly fell off of his pure gold toilet. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Obama says his new plan to raise taxes on millionaires is not class warfare, it's math. We Americans hate class warfare, but we also hate math. (Jay Leno)

      Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said this week that paying higher taxes is "the most patriotic thing you can do." I think I'll just stick with reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. (Frank King)

      A Republican member of congress says the Obama tax increases would cut into his $6.2 million income so that he wouldn't be able to feed his family. By 'feed', he means, 'provide the most expensive luxury cars', and by 'his family', he means 'himself'. (Jerry Perisho

      GAYS IN THE MILITARY

      In honor of the repeal of "Don't Ask Don't Tell" today at midnight, two quotes from a noted commie-pinko liberal: "Everyone knows that gays have served honorably in the military since at least the time of Julius Caesar." And "You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight." (Barry Goldwater. quoted by Janice Hough)

      Don't Ask Don't Tell is now over. Gay people can enlist, fight overseas, and then not be able to get married when they get back home. (Jay Leno)

      The military's policy of "don't ask, don't tell" is officially over. Don't confuse this with President Obama's economic policy, which is "don't ask, I don't want to talk about it." (Jay Leno)

      The military's controversial "don't ask, don't tell" policy was officially retired. This marks a new age of tolerance, acceptance, and awkward showering for everyone in the military. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      I think this will have an effect on our enemies. Be warned, evildoers. First we will defeat you, then we will redecorate your entire country. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Gays can now openly serve in the military, which is good news, unless you're gay and you don't want to join the military and they reinstate the draft. (Jay Leno)

      That's how ridiculous this policy was. The apology for the affront is, "Alright, you can go to Afghanistan and fight for your country." (Jon Stewart)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama's hometown newspaper, the Chicago Tribune has called on Obama not to run for re-election. He has to run. He knows there are no other jobs out there. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama is speaking to the General Assembly tomorrow and he's expected to urge the delegates to fight global warming, reduce poverty, and find out what the heck is happening at Netflix. (Craig Ferguson)

      Some critics say Obama should be focusing on jobs instead of addressing the UN. But I think it's important for Obama to talk to the other countries -- because they're the ones that have all of our jobs. (Craig Ferguson)

      President Obama said today, "It's not class warfare, it's math." Wonder how long it will take for Rick Perry to respond "Math is a theory." (Janice Hough)

      President Obama says his new jobs bill will create over 1.9 million jobs -- and up to 50 of them will be right here in America. (Jay Leno)

      If a person contributes just $5 to President Obama's campaign, that person will become eligible to win a private dinner with the president. But if you win, you're buying. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama's campaign offices in uber liberal West Los Angeles were vandalized last night. The attack came in response to rumors that Obama would not support a tax credit for watching "Glee!" (Jake Novak)

      Did you know the White House makes its own beer? President Obama bought the equipment with his own money and he brews his own beer in the White House. That might explain some of these recent economic policies. (Jay Leno)

      First Lady Michelle Obama will appear on the season premiere of "Extreme Home Makeover" on Sunday. The good news is, she'll be refurbishing a house for a new family to move into; the bad news is, it's the White House. (Jimmy Fallon)

      ADMINISTRATION

      Are they really doing away with the US Postal Service? Is this any way to treat our men and women in uniform? -- With no more snail-mail, what will happen to the snails? They could always go to work at the Division of Motor Vehicles. (Mark Russell)

      Congress is investigating why the Obama administration invested over $500 million in a solar panel company called Solyndra, which filed for bankruptcy. Only the White House could pick a solar panel company that goes broke in California in the summer. (Jay Leno)

      A report shows that the government is paying $100 million a year in pensions to dead federal workers. But since they are buried in the ground, the Obama administration considers them as having "green jobs." (Jake Novak)

      THE CONGRESS

      Congress' approval rating has dropped to 12 percent. The other 88 percent are withholding judgment until Congress actually does something. (Jay Leno)

      Republican Bob Turner stunned Democrats Tuesday by winning Anthony Weiner's vacated Congress seat in Brooklyn, and a Republican candidate also won a seat in Nevada in a blowout. Two new GOP lawmakers will be taking their seats in Congress today. President Obama has created two jobs and for the first time he deserves all the credit for it. (Argus Hamilton

      The House failed to pass a continuing budget patch last night. The bill was too expensive for lots of Republicans and not expensive enough for the Democrats, so the only way it'll pass now is if they add in a big new pay raise for themselves. (Jake Novak)

      THE COURTS

      Michael Jackson's doctor's trial in L.A. will be televised Friday. The public demanded it. If you miss details of how much Valium, how much Demerol, and how much Propofol he mixed for a good night's sleep, the recipe will be posted on the Food Network's website. (Argus Hamilton)

      An Edmonton woman is reportedly suing Kraft for $100,000 alleging one of their products caused her to suffer 10 minutes of depression. In a related story, a Toronto man has launched a $600,000 suit against Brian Burke for one hour of watching the Leafs play. (RJ Currie)

      THE MILITARY

      The U.S. military started taking applications from openly gay recruits Tuesday, officially ending Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Tensions are unavoidable. No violence in the barracks is expected until next week when Dancing with the Stars is up against Monday Night Football. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE STATES

      A study says that 81% of the recent new jobs in Texas went to immigrants. Mostly because anyone not born in Texas is considered an immigrant. (Jim Barach)

      A Texas state senator is upset about a condemned prisoner who ordered a last meal that included triple bacon cheeseburgers, a pound of barbecue meat and a pint of ice cream. If they fed death row inmates that meal every day, none of them would live long enough to be executed in the first place. (Jim Barach)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Los Angeles porn movie studio Pink Visual started building an underground shelter Friday. It will allow them to survive an expected Apocalypse next year. They're the first ones to realize that Rick Perry's evangelical views could drive the porn industry underground. (Argus Hamilton

      It will now cost $12 -- up from $8 -- to use a bridge or tunnel to enter New York City from New Jersey. Guess the NY Port Authority figures people will pay anything to get out of New Jersey. (Janice Hough)

      A town in Minnesota has canceled plans to change the name of a street called "Stoner Avenue." It's weird. Every time there's a meeting, residents show up, forget what they were going to complain about and then hit the cafeteria. (Tim Hunter)

      West Hollywood's city council has approved a ban on fur. Now activists on streets will have to throw fake blood at people who don't have enough Prada. (Jake Novak)

      Police in Miami Beach arrested a driver who, according to witnesses, exposed himself using his car's sunroof. He told the arresting officers he was just following the instructions in the Owners' Manual under "Operating the Moon Roof." (Bob Mills)

      A New Mexico state trooper, in full uniform, was photographed having sex with a woman on the hood of her car. He clocked her going 50 in a 30 mph zone, then she clocked him going two minutes in a ten minute zone. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Police in Pennsylvania are investigating a man accused of defrauding hundreds of unsuspecting members of the Amish community. Seems he sold them overpriced buggies with, according to the police report "seats of genuine leather and isinglass windows you can roll right down in case there's a change in the weather." (Bob Mills)

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      According to a recent poll, 72 percent of Republicans and Republican-leaning independents do not want Sarah Palin to run for president. Funny, that's about the same percentage of Democrats who do want her to run. (Janice Hough)

      A new book says Sarah Palin had a one-night stand with former basketball star Glen Rice. Even more humiliating Rice says she quit before the second half. And it's getting catty. She's now calling him Minute Rice. (Jay Leno)

      A new book claims former NBA star, Glen Rice, had a torrid one-night affair with then-sports- reporter, Sarah Palin. Rice is 6.8, Palin is 5.4, so he had a good sixteen inches on her. Plus he was a lot taller than her. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A new book came out about Sarah Palin by Joe McGinnis. He claims some unbelievable, outrageous things about Sarah Palin – like she smoked pot, she snorted coke off an oil drum, she had an affair with her husband's business partner, she had a thing for black men and f**ked NBA star Glenn Rice. And his most amazing, outrageous claim -- that in 2008 some nitwit tried to make her vice president. (Bill Maher)

      By the way, this guy who apparently had sex with her in 1997, NBA star Glenn Rice. Glenn, if you're watching, a little advice for you. Next time you f**k someone's brains out, put them back in. (Bill Maher)

      S. C. Gov. Nikki Haley now admitted that she had no evidence backing her claim that 1/2 of job applicants at a local nuclear reservation flunked a drug test. (The DOE said the number was less than 1%, and of hires, not applicants.) Haley said "I've never felt like I had to back up what people tell me. You assume that you're given good information." Wow, sounds like she's ready to run for president. (Janice Hough)

      The tea party has formed a debt super-committee that will meet this week at a Denny's. It will be the first time in history that anyone at Denny's will be interested in trimming fat. (Conan O'Brien)

      THE ECONOMY

      A new poll shows 8 in 10 Americans believe the economy is getting worse. The other 2 say standing in the unemployment line is almost as fun as waiting for the new iPhone. (Jake Novak)

      Bad day for the stock market. It's down nearly 400 points. They're calling it the worst September meltdown since the Red Sox. (Jay Leno)

      According to the World Economic Forum, Switzerland has the best economy in the world. Just think, the United States could be on top again if President Obama would just learn how to yodel. (Wendel Potter)

      A report says the jobless rate in California will stay at 12% through 2012. In fact, the only job openings reported in the state are pool boy and gardener positions at all the homes of Frank McCourt. (Jim Barach

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Forbes has come out with its list of the richest people in America. One of them is the CEO of Starbucks. His secret is that he doesn't buy coffee at Starbucks. (Conan O'Brien)

      GM has signed a new deal with the UAW that gives every union members a $5,000 bonus, and most UAW workers plan to use that money for a down payment on a new Toyota. (Jake Novak)

      Chrysler is refusing to give the UAW the same sweetheart deal the union just got from GM. Now that Chrysler is Italian-owned, it turns out management has better mob ties than labor! (Jake Novak)

      A survey says the three worst states for business are California, New York and Illinois. Mostly because those states are the home of the Dodgers, Mets and Cubs. (Jim Barach

      Suggestion for a new chain of Dallas restaurants: Tony Romo's Ribs. (RJ Currie)

      LA grocery clerks have struck major southern California supermarkets. Issues in dispute include management's refusal to pay higher wages, provide more inclusive medical coverage and to change the express line sign from "10 Items or Less" to the more grammatically correct "10 Items or Fewer." (Bob Mills)

      Cell phone manufacturer Nokia has a standing offer of $10,000 to anyone who can improve on its signature ring tone. Why don't they save the ten grand and just record the sound of a cash register? (Bob Mills)

      Microsoft has released its long-anticipated Windows 8 operating system. According to a press release sent out to distributors by Bill Gates, the system's tech support has been completely upgraded and now includes complementary curry recipes. (Bob Mills)

      A court has ruled that music fan Joel Tenenbaum owes the record companies $675,000 for illegal downloads. The music industry plans to use the money to throw itself a lavish funeral. (Jake Novak)

      Meg Whitman has been named the latest CEO at HP. Counting interim CEO Cathie Lesjak, she will be the fourth CEO in a little over a year. Well, it's tough, but Meg may have found a more dysfunctional operation to head than the state of California. (Janice Hough)

      Michelle Obama has convinced the owners of the Olive Garden to cut calories and sodium by 20 percent. They took the first lady's advice because Michelle Obama is more Italian than anybody that works at the Olive Garden. (Conan O'Brien)

      Happy birthday to Whole Foods, which is 31 years old. Before Whole Foods, if you wanted to pay $60 for a roasted chicken, you had to go to a restaurant. (Jay Leno)

      The Solyndra executives are scheduled to testify before Congress, and they're expected to take the 5th. Why not take the 5th? They've already taken $535 million. (Jay Leno)

      SABMiller is buying Australian brewer Foster's for $10 billion. That's $9 billion for the company and $1 billion for the right to kill Paul Hogan. (Jake Novak)

      TRANSPORTATION

      The San Francisco Board of Supervisors has banned "sexual contact between crowded passengers using public transportation." Standing passengers must have one hand on the strap and may use the other to read a newspaper or operate a can of mace. (Bob Mills)

      A woman gave birth on an airplane. The airline said that the woman and her new $40 carry-on are doing just fine. (Conan O'Brien)

      The NTSB says that truckers and other commercial drivers should be banned from talking on the phone and texting while driving. Apparently it's not that much of a problem as most truckers turn their phones off while driving because the ringing keeps waking them up. (Jim Barach)

      Ultra-luxury car maker Maserati has recalled 763 late model four-door Quattroporte sedans citing suspension problems. According to complaints voiced by numerous owners, the car has a tendency to turn into parking lots of restaurants which have fewer than five stars. (Bob Mills)

      Green Day front man Billie Joe Armstrong was kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight for wearing his pants too low. Is this what they mean by a no fly list? (Cam Hutchinson)

      Airline trade groups are opposing President Obama's plan to raise their fees to pay for airport security and air traffic controllers. The airlines say they are mad about excessive fees to pay for services because "We thought of it first." (Jim Barach

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