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Humerus News 09-10-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-10-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Great bumper sticker: How can you be pro-life and anti-universal healthcare?
    Message 1 of 2 , Sep 10, 2011

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-10-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Great bumper sticker: "How can you be pro-life and anti-universal healthcare?" (Janice Hough

      The White House agreed to move President Obama's speech from Wednesday to Thursday because the Republicans have a debate scheduled for Wednesday. So the debate that no one is going to watch holds more weight than the speech no one is going to believe. (Jay Leno)

      If Pres. Obama wants to help his reelection chances, he'll end his televised speech Thursday night by shouting "Are you ready for some football?" (Jerry Perisho)

      Perry used to be a Democrat. But then again, Barack Obama used to be a Democrat too. (Jay Leno)

      Hosni Mubarak has appeared in court in a hospital bed because of a heart attack. The former president of Egypt is clearly suffering from trials and fibrillations. (Richard Lederer)

      One of President Obama's speech writers quit his job to pursue his dream of writing comedy. So now, he's a speech writer for Michele Bachmann. (Conan O'Brien

      Firefighters in Texas stood by helplessly as water to fight the out-of-control wildfires ran out.  It graphically recalls the ancient lament from The Ancient Mariner so familiar to every English major -- "Oil, oil everywhere and not a drop to squirt." (Bob Mills)

      It's only fair in some ways that a Chinese group buys the Dodgers. We've been buying junk from China for years. (Janice Hough)

      The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first. (Jay Leno)

      Despite speculation that she would finally announce her decision Saturday, Sarah Palin says she is still deciding whether to enter the Presidential race. Although if she does run, Palin's already picked out her campaign manager – Brett Favre. (Janice Hough)

      REPUBLICAN DEBATES & CANDIDATES

      The Republican presidential candidates will have a debate at the Reagan Library. They were going to have it at the George W. Bush Library but they couldn't fit all eight of them in the bounce house. (Conan O'Brien

      During the Republican debate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now I have type 2 diabetes. (Jimmy Kimmel

      The GOP presidential debate was held Wednesday night. For me, the highlight of the evening was listening to moderator Brian Williams try to control things by calling "Time" indiscriminately. (Jerry Perisho

      Meanwhile millions of Americans, when asked if they were paying attention to the big debate, figured that meant whether or not Texas A & M should leave the Big 12. (Janice Hough)

      Tonight's GOP debate will be held at the Reagan Library. Ironic, because for all his reputation, Reagan did occasionally compromise with Democrats, raised taxes, and appointed Sandra Day O'Connor to the Supreme Court. In tonight's crowd his action would be considered those of a flaming liberal. (Janice Hough)

      A new L. A. Times poll shows that Rick Perry and Mitt Romney each have 22 % support in a survey of 1,508 registered California Republicans. Ron Paul has 11 %, Michele Bachman has 10%, and Newt Gingrich has 6%. If my math is still any good that means "None of the above" is still leading at 29%. (Janice Hough)

      The GOP candidates are just now starting to attack each other as well as President Obama. But it's going to get worse. If the race was six months further along wonder if someone would say God sent the wildfires in Texas to get Rick Perry off the campaign trail. (Janice Hough)

      Who knows at this point who will be the Republican nominee for President? But if it comes down to Perry and Romney there will at least be full employment for mens' hairdressers. Didn't we learn from John Edwards? Never trust a man who spends more time on his hair than his wife. (Janice Hough)

      Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The only thing they agreed on was "shampoo, rinse, and repeat." (Jay Leno)

      People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida. (Conan O'Brien

      Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse. He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons of "24." (Conan O'Brien

      In perhaps the most revealing moment of the debate, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) explained why she does not believe in evolution: "It's really let me down." (Andy Borowitz)

      Michele Bachmann wants to eliminate the Department of Education. Makes a certain amount of sense. She shows no sign of having benefited from it. (Janice Hough)

      At the Republican debate, the candidates spoke against government mandates; is it just me, or does Michele Bachmann look like she recently thought mandates were what gay men went on? (Alex Kaseberg

      Michele Bachmann is dropping rapidly in the polls. If she loses 3 more points she goes on 'Dancing with the Stars. (David Letterman

      Mitt Romney revealed a 59-point job plan at a big auto dealership. That shows you how smart Romney is. He knows that a politician only looks honest when he's standing next to a car salesman. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney says that China should be sanctioned over their currency practices. Except their practice of loaning the U. S. enough currency to stay in business. (Jim Barach)

      Apparently, Mitt Romney is planning to build a huge addition onto his beach house in California. And here's the cool part: They're using the same wood that they used to build Mitt Romney. (Jimmy Fallon

      Mitt Romney gave a speech on job creation in Nevada Tuesday. He proposed Reagan Economic Zones in areas that need help. It would allow economically disadvantaged areas like Detroit and the south side of Chicago to sell missiles to Iran tax-free. (Argus Hamilton)

      Ultraconservative Rick Santorum said he is the son of an Italian immigrant. Immediately after the comment, Santorum had his dad deported. (Conan O'Brien

      While his political credentials appear sound, Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman appears to have a name recognition problem.  84% of GOP voters surveyed identified the Huntsman as one of those all-purpose utility tools used by outdoorsmen. (Bob Mills)

      In Iowa Sarah Palin ran a half marathon and came in second place. Of course no one saw her do it, because she refused to tell anyone she was running. (Conan O'Brien

      Sarah Palin ran an unannounced half marathon in Iowa. Wait, did she run a half marathon or run half a marathon and quit? Is there anything Sarah Palin can't do half of? (Jimmy Kimmel

      Sarah Palin gave a speech in Iowa where she warned of "crony capitalism". Which is not to be confused with what Iowa's economy is based on, corn-y capitalism. (Jim Barach)

      THE ECONOMY AND JOBS

      New statistics show the U. S. economy added 0 jobs in August. The White House cautioned Americans not to read too much into those numbers. What numbers? (Jay Leno)

      The government reported that there was zero job growth in August, the first time this has happened since 1945. Pres. Obama promised improvement since he was going to need to hire everyone for his reelection campaign. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Labor Department reported that there were no jobs at all created last month. On the plus side, there might be a job opening at the White House next year. But things must be getting better this month because Chaz Bono actually got a job as a dancer! (Reeder & Ainsworth)

      According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we'll never get there. (Jay Leno)

      To give an idea of how bad the economy is, the NFL had to borrow the quarter for the coin toss from China. And they want it back. (Conan O'Brien

      President Obama plans to create thousands of new jobs by replacing all automobile GPS systems with real people who sit in the back seat with a map. (Jimmy Kimmel

      President Obama's new jobs bill calls for $447 billion in new spending which we'll have to get by borrowing more from China. That makes sense since China will be getting all the jobs, it might as well put up all the money! (Jake Novak

      Some jobs are growing: health care, solar technology and translating for our soon-to-be Chinese overlords. (Craig Ferguson

      The oil industry says that if they are allowed to drill more, they can create a million jobs. Of course, most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off of ducks. (Conan O'Brien

      I read that a man from Illinois discovered $150,000 in his garden. Did you hear that, President Obama? A man from Illinois actually grew the economy. (Jimmy Fallon

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama will give a big speech on job preservation — I mean job creation. The speech will be translated into Spanish and Chinese so that the people who have our jobs can understand. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama is set to deliver a major speech on jobs tonight, but most of the nation's business leaders are expected to lose interest when they find out the speech isn't about Steve Jobs. (Jake Novak)

      Republicans actually decided not to give a rebuttal to President Obama's jobs speech tonight. I guess they figured there's already a rebuttal to his jobs speech: No jobs. (Jimmy Fallon

      Michele Bachman stated she felt she felt "deeply disappointed" by the president's jobs speech and said Congress should avoid passing his plan. Fair enough, but does anyone doubt that she wrote her response before Obama wrote his speech? Meanwhile, no response yet from Sarah Palin. Maybe she couldn't read the writing on her palms. (Janice Hough)

      President Obama's approval rating is very low. But then again, his disapproval rating is very high, so there's a silver lining. (Jimmy Kimmel

      In a recent interview, President Obama said Ben Franklin is the Founding Father he would most like to meet. Must be because all the those times Obama has been told to "go fly a kite!" (Tim Hunter)

      President Obama was turned down Friday by five NASCAR drivers he'd invited to the White House. This reflects Obama's low job approval ratings. President Obama is so desperate for support that he's begun courting athletes whose fans wave Confederate flags. (Argus Hamilton)

      Republican faces say "We're a bunch of conscienceless pricks who'd shoot ourselves in the face if Obama said he liked our smile. (Bill Maher)

      President Obama's uncle was arrested for a DUI. His alcohol level was actually higher than Obama's approval rating. (Craig Ferguson

      Barack Obama's uncle was arrested in Framingham, Massachusetts and charged with drunk driving. The booking procedure took longer than usual because he couldn't produce what they considered an authentic enough birth certificate. (Bob Mills)

      LABOR DAY

      Labor Day is the day that Americans take three days off from looking for work. (David Letterman

      For most Americans, Labor Day means a 3-day weekend, but for 9.1 percent of Americans, it's been a 12-month weekend.  (Jay Leno)

      Despite her anti-union record Michele Bachmann is scoffing at suggestions that she has no business celebrating Labor Day. After all, as she says "I have five children, I've been in labor five times." (Janice Hough)

      THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE

      The NFL season kicks off Thursday night right here on NBC, right after the season finale of President Obama. Obama will give a speech on job growth. I don't think it will be a big speech. (Jay Leno)

      Tonight was President Obama's jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President Obama. (Jimmy Fallon

      The White House said Thursday past presidents have participated on the NFL's opening day including George W. Bush. He performed the opening day coin toss from the Oval Office. The only reason we invaded Iraq instead of Iran is because the coin came up heads. (Argus Hamilton)

      The NFL season is going to get started with a concert by Kid Rock at Lambeau Field in Green Bay. That white powder on the field is not snow. (Jerry Perisho)

      The NFL opened their season Thursday night. Although the Saints-Packers was hardly the first professional game of the year. The Canadian Football League has been going since July, and Ohio State and Miami kicked off last week. (Janice Hough)

      Jim Tressel has been suspended for his first six games with the Indianapolis Colts as a game-day replay consultant. Well, considering the news about Manning, looks like he won't miss too many potential touchdown reviews. (Janice Hough)

      THE POST OFFICE

      The Post Office is in big financial trouble. Auditors couldn't point to one particular reason. They tried to interview some of the clerks, but they were all on break. (Alan Ray)

      According to a report, the Post Office could go out of business this winter. You've been looking for a way to get out of sending Christmas cards. (Tim Hunter)

      According to a report, the Post Office could go out of business this winter. On the bright side, the Post Office won't receive the report in the mail for another two years. (Conan O'Brien)

      The postmaster general is pleading with Congress to help the US Postal Service avoid bankruptcy. As part of the deal, he'd be busted to postmaster buck private. So far, Congress is saying, "Lick my ass". (Jerry Perisho)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      In a new interview, Joe Biden says the one thing he hates about his job is not getting to drive his 1967 Corvette. Yeah, Biden's Corvette is pretty sweet — cherry red finish, shiny chrome rims, fully-charged remote control . . .  (Jimmy Fallon

      THE CONGRESS

      Congress returns to session after the summer recess. Don't look for fast action on key legislation. It'll take them a solid week to just open all of their bribes. (Alan Ray)

      President Obama demanded a joint session of Congress sit through his jobs proposal speech in the House Chamber on Thursday. Attendance may be sparse. Under Article One of the U. S. Constitution, the power to watch the NFL season opener belongs to Congress. (Argus Hamilton

      John Boehner denied President Obama's request to address Congress Wednesday but allowed him to address them on Thursday. It was catty. Last year Obama slapped a ten percent surtax on tanning salons and Boehner's been biding his time for the chance to strike back. (Argus Hamilton)

      Some Republican lawmakers said they were unable to hear President Obama's jobs speech due to fingers stuck in their ears. (Andy Borowitz)

      THE COURTS

      A Federal Appeals Court has denied the state of Arizona's case for denying benefits to the domestic partners of gay state employees. The court ruled such exclusions would be impossible since there haven't been any straight state employees in the U. S. since 1965. (Jake Novak)

      THE STATES

      Ohio has sold a prison to a private company for $72 Million. It was bought by the only Ohio business that needs their own prison. The Cincinnati Bengals. (Jim Barach)

      LOCAL NEWS

      A New Mexico state trooper in full uniform was caught having sex with a woman on the hood of her car. She was so drunk that halfway through she said, "Hey, that's not a Breathalyzer!" (Jay Leno)

      A state trooper in New Mexico was fired after a hearing determined he'd had sex on the hood of a suspected speeder's car.  Evidence against him included a surveillance video, DNA samples and a distinct outline of a Ford Mustang hood ornament on his back. (Bob Mills)

      A proposed law will ban all paper and plastic bags at Los Angeles area grocery stores. Which won't affect Beverly Hills at all since the only thing they stock there is bottled water to drink on the way to the restaurant. (Jim Barach)

      Much of Southern California is still without power this morning. The whole situation is confusing Lindsay Lohan who can't run red lights if they're not working in the first place. (Jake Novak)

      A boy in San Diego who was throwing rocks at cars is in stable condition after being shot with a bow and arrow. Apparently, the Obama economy is so bad, the juvenile delinquents and criminals have run out of bullets. (Frank King)

      Authorities in San Diego are looking for a man who disguised himself as Gumby and tried to rob a 7-Eleven. If caught, he's looking at quite a stretch. (RJ Currie)

      In San Diego, a guy wearing a Gumby costume tried to rob a 7-11 store. Of course, now he's in the Pokey. (Tim Hunter)

      San Diego closed a two-mile stretch of Mission Beach due to a great white shark sighting. Turns out the shark was just visiting, he practices entertainment law in Century City. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Police in Bristol, Tennessee, caught up with a man outside a Nascar race who was drunk, naked and had a live racoon in his car. They asked him if he'd seen anything unusual. (RJ Currie)

      A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 Buffalo wings. Needless to say, she won't be invited to come over and watch any more football games. (Tim Hunter)

      A Mississippi man was arrested for shoplifting while trying to leave a grocery store with items stuffed into his shorts including two live lobsters. It could be worse, he could have had crabs. (Bill Dwan)

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      Dick Cheney's book is an inside look at what it's like to be president — uh, vice president. (Jay Leno)

      Dick Cheney says Hillary Clinton would have made a better president than Barack Obama. Then he got back in his coffin. (David Letterman

      Dick Cheney's friends read copies of his soon-to-be released memoir Friday and said the book pulls no punches. He thought Condi Rice was naïve and Colin Powell deceptive. In the last chapter he confirms a long-held suspicion that he's Luke Skywalker's real father. (Argus Hamilton)

      Dick Cheney says in his memoirs that in the first hours after 9/11 "we were living in the fog of war". Which is why President Bush was able to cope so well since he had been living in a fog since 1974. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Bank of America announced they're going to close 600 branches…and also change their name to 'Bank of Some of America'. (Tim Hunter)

      Wells Fargo has introduced a radical new debit card that will cost customers a flat fee of $3 per month. They're hoping that those who can't afford to pay the fee will put it on their Wells Fargo Credit card where it will generate an additional 22% interest. (Bob Mills)

      Apparently, there are some problems with the merger between T-Mobile and AT&T. They tried doing the final negotiations by phone and the calls kept dropping out. (Tim Hunter)

      Companies that want to protect their brands from being associated with the ".xxx" domain will have the chance to buy those sites first. Although the best way to increase traffic for any product is to give it an .xxx domain. (Jim Barach)

      Sony is building the world’s thinnest LCD TV. Home entertainment has certainly changed over the years. The heaviest component in the system now is usually the guy watching it. (Alan Ray)

      Ford is building a new plant that will create 5,000 jobs in India. Or as Obama put it, "You've got to be kidding me!" (Jimmy Fallon

      Nabisco has launched a new cookie called the "Triple Double Oreo" -- three biscuits separated by vanilla and chocolate creme.  Think Billy Crystal - Whoopie Goldberg - Robin Williams - Eddie Murphy. (Bob Mills)

      A 36 year old Washington Applebee's employee could lose his job for refusing to sign a statement saying he will not make negative comments about the restaurant on Facebook. Although the most embarrassing post he could make is admitting to be 36 years old and working at Applebee's. (Jim Barach)

      Hey, I read about a McDonald's in California that was built with mostly recycled synthetic material. Which is ironic because recycled synthetic material is also the main ingredient in a McRib. (Jimmy Fallon

      Yahoo's board has ousted Carol Bartz as CEO. Even more embarrassing is the fact that Yahoo is searching for a new chief on Google. (Jake Novak)

      Yahoo's Chairman of the Board fired the company's CEO over the phone on Tuesday. You'd think being Yahoo, he'd at least do it by email. (Tim Hunter)

      The CEO of Starbucks wants people to stop making political donations, mostly so they'll have more money to pay for $17 cups of coffee. (Jake Novak)

      TRANSPORTATION

      A Southwest Airlines passenger was arrested yesterday after he refused to turn off his cell phone during landing. He was taken from a Southwest flight to jail, or as most people would call that, "an upgrade." (Jimmy Fallon

      A woman gave birth on an Alitalia flight from Milan to Paris. The landing was kind of dicey. All loose items had to be stowed under the seat in front of you. (Alan Ray)

      A British Midland flight from Moscow to London had to return to the airport after an out-of-sorts Russian woman got up and started performing erotic dances. Apparently she'd mistakenly heard that Tiger Woods was one of the passengers. (Dwight Perry)

      A lot of accidents are caused by bikers who don't have a feel for the road, like the dentists and accountants that take Harleys out on the weekend. (Craig Ferguson

      I got mad when I saw a driver in an SUV using his phone almost take out a biker. I would have called the cops, but I was too busy playing "Angry Birds." (Craig Ferguson

      A new study found that children born in March are more likely to become pilots, while children that are supposed to be born in March but keep delaying their arrival become Delta pilots. (Jimmy Fallon

      A man was arrested at Dulles Airport in Washington, D.C. with clams stuffed full of cocaine. Apparently the Red Lobster is looking for new ideas on how to get customers to finish their meals and leave the restaurant faster. (Jim Barach

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      91 people have been charged with Medicare fraud that took $295 Million, charging for services to people who had already died. As opposed to an HMO where people die from the services that are provided. (Jim Barach)


      (Message over 64 KB, truncated)
    • Stan Kegel
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-17-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Chutzpah (n.): When the Governor of Texas cuts funding 75% for volunteer fire
      Message 2 of 2 , Sep 17, 2011

        WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-17-11
        AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

        TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

        Chutzpah (n.): When the Governor of Texas cuts funding 75% for volunteer fire departments, then demands federal disaster relief to fight wildfires, while calling for cuts in government spending. (Ironic Times)

        The objection to the Tea Partiers is not that they try to make us think as they do, but that they try to make us do as they think. (Author Unknown)

        President Obama is more popular overseas than here. Then again, he's created more jobs over there than here. (Jay Leno)

        President Obama will talk about his jobs act bill at 1030 from the Rose Garden. The speech will be simulcast in Chinese and Hindi, so the people who will actually get these jobs can follow along. (Jake Novak)

        The Chicago Board of Health has cited Wrigley Field food vendors for multiple health violations. But the fans are taking it as good sports. Now after the seventh inning, they sing "Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack, antibiotics for e. Coli attacks." (Bob Mills)

        I'm thinking the Republicans are going to have a hard time convincing people they represent America when they keep scheduling their debates on TV opposite football games. (Tim Hunter)

        Republican faces say, "We're a bunch of conscienceless pricks who'd shoot ourselves in the face if Obama said he liked our smile." (Bill Maher

        The Republican candidates all say they will abolish Obamacare on Day One of their presidency. What about Day Two? They will tell the American people to stay healthy. (Mark Russell)

        A law signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon release thousands of female prisoners. The man's a genius. Soon thousands of women who haven't been with a man for years will be free and thinking they owe Arnold a favor. (Conan O'Brien)

        According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up 55 percent over the last president. (Jimmy Fallon)

        A poll says that 32% of Americans prefer a male boss, while 22% prefer a female boss. The other 46% say just having any kind of boss again would be nice. (Jim Barach)

        REPUBLICAN DEBATES & CANDIDATES

        If the Tea Party cared about us they wouldn't have scheduled their debate against the opening night of football, especially the Patriots. That's something Kenyans would do. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        The moderators were Wolf Blitzer and Larry the Cable Guy. Rick Santorum won the swimsuit competition. Michele Bachmann won Miss Crazyality. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        The Reagan Library held a GOP presidential debate Wednesday between eight of the candidates. These are starting to sound the same. They spent the first half-hour arguing about which one of them God called first to come in and read for the part of the president. (Argus Hamilton)

        All the people running in the race have criticized Social Security and Medicaid. I don't think that's running a fair race because it targets seniors who usually aren't very fast runners. . (Nancy Jo Perdue)

        Mitt Romney said that President Obama does not understand that the president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he's elected president. (Jay Leno)

        Mitt Romney's campaign is offering a chance to win a day with Romney. It's called, 'Vote for Mitt Romney or else you'll have to spend a day with Mitt Romney.' (Conan O'Brien)

        Mitt Romney drew cheers at the GOP debate Monday as he vowed to return Winston Churchill's bust to the Oval Office. Good show! If the world were a network television lineup the sitcom starring the Anglo-Saxons would be called Everybody Loves Imperialism. (Argus Hamilton)

        It's being reported that Rick Perry met his wife when they were on a playground in elementary school.  Apparently, little Michelle Bachman tried to break them up by trying to "pray the play away". (Tim Hunter)

        People are saying Rick Perry seems to be the leader among the scores of GOP presidential candidates. But, he still doesn't represent the majority of Americans. Otherwise, he'd have an occasional bad hair day. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

        GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry met with Donald Trump Wednesday night in New York. Were they discussing the Donald possibly being Perry's running mate? Or just thinking of opening their own branch of "Hair Club for Men?" (Janice Hough)

        Mitt Romney said today that Dick Cheney "is the kind of person" he'd like to have as running mate. Translation, he doesn't want to do the work of governing any more than George W. did? Either that or Romney wants to make sure he has the best hair on the ticket.   (Janice Hough)

        Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a "bedrock conservative." When he heard this, John McCain said, "I grew up in Bedrock, and I don't remember seeing him." (Conan O'Brien)

        Texas Governor Rick Perry decided to make Social Security a campaign issue by describing the Social Security system as one big Ponzi scheme. That is not true at all. People don't go to jail if they refuse to pay into a Ponzi scheme. (Argus Hamilton)

        God attempted to put distance between Himself and the presidential candidacy of Gov. Rick Perry of Texas: “Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy. (Andy Borowitz)

        Rick Perry was attacked by many of the other GOP presidential candidates Monday for calling Social Security a big Ponzi scheme. Everyone hopes this isn't true. If Social Security turns out to be a big Ponzi scheme, Ruth Madoff could go to jail for double-dipping. (Argus Hamilton)

        It's being reported that Rick Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school. There was another boy that liked her too but Perry had him executed. (Conan O'Brien)

        Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on Thomas Jefferson's slaves will be known as friends with benefits. (Bill Maher)

        Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education if elected president. In fact, if there's no Department of Education, it would make it easier for her to be elected. (Jay Leno)

        Bachmann's campaign manager stepped down, her deputy campaign manager left, and God hasn't called her in weeks. (Jay Leno)

        Some tea party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from "Toddlers & Tiaras." (Conan O'Brien)

        During the tea party debate, Jon Huntsman said that America's dependency on foreign oil is like being addicted to heroin. Then it got a little weird when he was like, "Trust me." (Jimmy Fallon)

        The Republican debate set looked like the inside of Betsy Ross's vagina. Or so I've been told. Anyway, I believe there was a point to this Amerigasm, and that was for seven candidates to give a beatdown to Rick Perry. (Jon Stewart)

        September is International Square Dance Month. It has been proposed the GOP presidential candidates give up debates and have a dance off since they've been dancing around the issues any way. . (Nancy Jo Perdue)

        SARAH PALIN BIOGRAPHY

        According to a new book, Sarah Palin slept with a black NBA player, Glen Rice, a year before she got married. I think technically this makes her a Kardashian sister. I think Sarah and Glen would make a great couple. He'd shoot 3-pointers. She'd shoot everything else. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        In a new book, it is learned that Sarah Palin once had sex with NBA star Glen Rice. Sarah was very disappointed when she discovered that having sex with a black athlete does not make her a Kardashian sister. Since the affair, Glen Rice has spent the last 25 years dribbling between his legs. (Jerry Perisho)

        USA Today reports that analysts say Joe McGinniss's new book "The Rogue' negative book may not hurt Sarah Palin. Well, yeah, it's not like many of her supporters actually read. Palin is reportedly particularly incensed. Sarah feels strongly that if there are going to be books containing lies about her, she wants to write them. (Janice Hough)

        Sports and political words buzzing over the Palin-Rice fling. Well, at least we know Sarah never slept with Lebron James. They might flirt but neither of them would be likely to go all the way. (Janice Hough)

        The Sarah Palin-Glen Rice story has even taken some media attention away from Rick Perry for a day. Rumor has it Perry's now got his staff looking for a female athlete who will admit to a one-nighter with him before his marriage, but it has to be a female athlete. (Janice Hough)

        THE POST OFFOCE

        Are they really doing away with the US Postal Service? Is this any way to treat our men and women in uniform? With no more snail-mail, what will happen to the snails? They could always go to work at the Division of Motor Vehicles. (Mark Russell)

        The Post Office says it may shut down by winter if it goes into default as they are losing business by people using the Internet more for communication. Although the Post Office argues it is still faster than the Internet for people who subscribe to AOL. (Jim Barach)

        The Postal Service is outlining more proposed cuts, including scrapping hundreds of mail distribution centers and cutting its transport network. In other words, you'll probably keep your local post office, there just won't be any mail in it. (Jake Novak)

        THE JACKIE KENNEDY TAPES

        Jackie Kennedy said in tapes released Friday that Martin Luther King organized sex parties in Washington in the early Sixties. She's one to talk. Whenever Jackie wanted to see her husband privately she had to put on a blonde wig and wait her turn in the secretarial pool. (Argus Hamilton)

        Jackie Kennedy's tapes reveal JFK tried to calm her about Martin Luther King's hotel room orgies. He told her sex parties were no big deal. If Bill Clinton had known JFK said this he would have used it instead of the Ask Not quotation over the entrance to his library. (Argus Hamilton)

        SCARLET JOHANSSON

        The latest leaked picture scandal involves Scarlett Johansson, with candid photos appearing to show her naked appearing online. Apparently the FBI lottery to be assigned to the case closed yesterday due to too many applicants. (Janice Hough)

        The FBI is investigating the hacking of naked photos of actress Scarlett Johansson on her phone; now why would the FBI become involved with such a trivial case? Oh yeah, naked pictures of Scarlett Johansson. (Alex Kaseberg

        The FBI is investigating the release of nude photos allegedly hacked from the cell phone of actress Scarlett Johansson. Thank you, Rupert Murdoch, this makes up for all the other hacking. (Jerry Perisho)

        Scarlett Johansson was victimized Tuesday by hackers who stole nude pictures the movie star took of herself with her cellphone. The photos are all over the Internet. In New York that could cost you a U. S. congressional seat but in Los Angeles it can get you elected to one. (Argus Hamilton)

        PRESIDENT OBAMA

        President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it's looking increasingly likely that in a year, he'll be one of them. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as "half employed." (Conan O'Brien)

        President Obama gave his big speech the other night on job creation. Several Republicans said later that it was the first time they could say they didn't believe in creation. (Tim Hunter)

        After saying the jobs bill is paid for, President Obama now says that it will be paid for by raising taxes over 10 years. I can't figure out if he's the kind of guy who makes infomercials, or the kind of guy who falls for infomercials. (Jay Leno)

        President Obama introduced his $447 billion jobs plan. A lot of economists say it could work — if we had $447 billion. (Jay Leno)

        In his speech President Obama called the plan the 'American Jobs Act.' It sounds a lot better than the original title, the 'Save My Ass Act.' (Jay Leno)

        President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us checking Facebook. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        Political experts say the election of a Republican to replace former NY congressman Anthony Weiner is a wake up call for Pres. Obama. I'd have thought 15% unemployment and the worst recession since 1929 might have already had his attention. (Jerry Perisho)

        In his speech, President Obama introduced a $400 billion plan called the "American Jobs Act." They would have had a more creative name, but the guy that comes up with names got laid off six months ago. (Jimmy Fallon)

        Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don't like this focus on paying for things. That's what future generations are for. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        President Obama said "No single individual built America on their own." When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, "Hello? Paul Bunyan?" (Jimmy Fallon)

        President Obama's re-election campaign is doing a contest where contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president. Or, if you come in 2nd place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden. (Conan O'Brien)

        The White House is planning an official state trip to Australia this November. Which explains why Biden spent all day looking for an Australian translator. (Jimmy Fallon)

        ADMINISTRATION

        The Labor Department says that billions of dollars in unemployment benefits were paid in error. Although it all worked out since the people they paid are now out of work anyway. (Jim Barach)

        THE CONGRESS

        Congress is investigating why the Obama administration invested over $500 million in a solar panel company called Solyndra, which filed for bankruptcy. Only the White House could pick a solar panel company that goes broke in California in the summer. I don't want to say the solar panels are bad, but they absorb less sunlight than John Boehner. (Jay Leno)

        House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's jobs plan merits consideration. Then he was like, "In fact, I'll do it right now. OK, I hate it." (Jimmy Fallon)

        Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he's in no hurry to bring President Obama's jobs bill up for a vote. But he does say it will happen before Obama is looking for a new job in January, 2013. (Jake Novak)

        Senator Dianne Feinstein says her treasurer has stolen from her campaign and it may be "wiped out." This is an outrage because everyone knows you're not supposed to steal from the voters until AFTER you get re-elected. (Jake Novak)

        His New York district is having a special election to replace Anthony Wiener. I was going to make a joke, but it's just so hard at this point. (Jimmy Fallon)

        GOP candidate Bob Turner led by six points for the New York congressional seat vacated by Democrat Anthony Weiner. It was a safe seat until he posted naked pictures of himself on Twitter. Democrats would've had this seat in their hip pocket but they couldn't keep their pants on. (Argus Hamilton)

        The Democrats lost a seat they've held in New York since the 1920s. The White House said, "At least President Obama created one new job." (Jay Leno)

        A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner's Congressional seat, but not before thoroughly wiping it down. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        The House is considering a bill to make gun permits valid across state lines. Apparently it's for people who live along the Texas border who can't shoot their neighbor because they live in another state. (Jim Barach)

        A study says that in the past few years 5,400 congressional staffers have gone to work for lobbyists. That makes sense everyone in Congress is pretty much working for the lobbyists anyway. (Jim Barach)

        THE STATES

        Governor Jerry Brown went on a partisan attack to try to raise taxes Monday. He said Republicans treat taxes like they're some sort of sexually-transmitted disease. This explains why two out of three conservatives shrink-wrap their IRS tax returns in condoms. (Argus Hamilton)

        The conservative majority in the North Carolina legislature wants a ban on gay marriage. Some cite religious objections. It’s not God’s will for two men or two women to bicker that much. (Alan Ray)

        To help ease prison overcrowding, California is going to start releasing female inmates with children early. But civil liberties attorneys say sending these women back to their kids may be considered cruel and unusual punishment. (Jake Novak)

        California lawmakers sent a bill to the governor's desk on Tuesday which would give college aid to illegal aliens. It helps immigrant families to move up. Thanks to this bill, today's fully-employed farmworker can become tomorrow's unemployed college graduate. (Argus Hamilton)

        California is considering a program that would release 1,000 female inmates from prison. The only problem is finding them employment. There are only so many strip clubs in the state. (Jim Barach)

        Michigan will require body weight reports on all school children. Which will be easy since GM's cutbacks have made all their old truck scales available. (Jim Barach)

        Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That's the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders. (Jay Leno)

        LOCAL NEWS

        The city of San Diego suffered through a 9 ½-hour electrical outage last week, but everyone finally got their power back. Except for the Padres, of course. (Dwight Perry)

        San Francisco may require nudists to cover themselves before they sit on a public bench. This would clear up existing ordinances, especially for males. The current laws leave them dangling. (Alan Ray)

        San Francisco supervisors banned public transportation passengers Thursday from sexually rubbing against other passengers Thursday. It's typical California logic. They banned the one activity that might actually persuade people to take public transportation. (Argus Hamilton)

        New York's Fashion Week was picketed Friday by members of the Westboro Baptist Church of Kansas, who said high fashion teaches girls to dress like whores. They don't get it. Teen unemployment is so high that Fashion Week should qualify for a tax credit for job training. (Argus Hamilton)

        A South Carolina man was arrested for sneaking a taser gun into a football game and using it on somebody. The man was arrested — and immediately signed by the Oakland Raiders. (Conan O'Brien)

        According to the National Automobile Association, Washington DC leads the nation in fender-benders. So many drivers there enjoy diplomatic immunity, they never have to pay for the damage. Instead of calling AAA, they call the UN. (Bob Mills)

        Seattle has passed a law requiring businesses with five employees to offer paid sick days. The only problem is finding any business that still has five workers. (Jim Barach)

        In Michigan a man in a President Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that of President Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit. (Conan O'Brien)

        Police say a church in Phoenix was doubling as a house of prostitution. Worship in this sanctuary is a bit different. When someone shouts “Halleluiah”, it’s not their hands that are in the air. (Alan Ray

        A New Mexico state trooper, in full uniform, was photographed having sex with a woman on the hood of her car. He clocked her going 50 in a 30 mph zone, then she clocked him going two minutes in a ten minute zone. (Alex Kaseberg)

        A California lawyer told MSNBC she took a job as a stripper to help pay her bills. Not only that, but her new job gets her a lot more respect from people. (Jim Barach)

        A Florida man was arrested for exposing himself through a car’s sunroof. That’s not the only infraction. He was also ticketed for not using a hands free device. (Alan Ray

        A Mississippi man was arrested outside a grocery store for allegedly stuffing food into his cargo shorts – including two live lobsters. He was arrested on probable claws. (RJ Currie)

        An Amish investor is being accused of taking his community for millions of dollars. Apparently he convinced them to invest in futuristic items like film cameras, typewriters and rotary telephones. (Jim Barach

        U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

        A new poll shows the GOP split down the middle on those between those who do and don't consider themselves Tea Party members. And the party is deeply divided on many of the issues. Who do they think they are? Democrats. (Janice Hough)

        Republicans are hoping to seize on unhappiness among some Jewish voters over the president's treatment of Israel. In fact, Israel is the thing most Jewish voters are talking about when on the unemployment line. (Jake Novak)

        Al Gore will launch a TV blitz Thursday called Twenty-Four Hours of Reality and he's asking everyone on Facebook to link their Facebook walls to his show to help save the planet. This shows Al doesn't understand the Facebook crowd. They will de-friend the planet before they stop blogging their thoughts all day and poking each other commitment-free. (Argus Hamilton)

        Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of 'The View.' So apparently he's willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point. (Jay Leno)

        My guest tonight is Al Gore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should be someone else. (Stephen Colbert)

        This week, Michele Bachmann and Cindy McCain had dinner together at a Mexican restaurant in Arizona. It wasn't good. First they sent their entree back to the kitchen, then they sent the kitchen staff back to Guadalajara. (Jimmy Fallon)

        THE ECONOMY

        Nearly 1-in-6 Americans lives in poverty. That means they have dial-up Internet, an unheated swimming pool, and a smart phone that's more than a year old. (Jerry Perisho)

        The economy is so bad that in Texas Rick Perry had to execute convicts just by throwing a toaster in the bath tub! That's how bad. (Jay Leno)

        The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. In 1st place, Switzerland. Man, they must sell a bunch of cheese. (Tim Hunter)

        According to the World Economic Forum, Switzerland has the best economy in the world. Just think, the United States could be on top again if President Obama would just learn how to yodel. (Wendel Potter)

        The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. But we're still the fattest, so that's good. Switzerland came in 1st place. I guess those little army knives are selling like crazy. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        A 2005 law requires US reserve banks to keep ordering one-dollar coins, but virtually no Americans want them. They're too easy to confuse with quarters, and Americans are just used to paper dollars and refuse to take the coins. So bank vaults nationwide are filling up with them. The Federal Reserve Bank in Baltimore says they have only a small portion of them, and they are literally running out of storage room. By 2016, reserve banks will be expected to have $2 billion worth of dollar coins, and they say they have to start hunting for other federal facilities that have more space. The good news is that by 2016, they'll actually be worth a quarter, so problem solved! (Reeder & Ainsworth)

        BUSINESS & LABOR

        After an STD outbreak, all Los Angeles area porn shoots have been shut down. The porn industry has been hit so hard financially they asked for a Federal bail out. But congre

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