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Weakly Humerus News 09-03-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-03-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Hurricane Irene may be the biggest wind to hit Washington since Joe Biden was
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 3 6:42 AM
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-03-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Hurricane Irene may be the biggest wind to hit Washington since Joe Biden was sworn in as V. P. (Janice Hough

      A report links teen drinking and extensive Facebook usage. What’s it called when they do both at the same time? Driving. (Alan Ray)

      The Rev. Pat Robertson said the best way to prepare for Hurricane Irene is not being gay. (Andy Borowitz)

      Domino's Pizza announced plans to build a restaurant on the moon. I'm thinking it will have good food but no atmosphere. (RJ Currie)

      Over sixty-thousand grocery workers have voted to strike southern California supermarkets. Could take awhile, though. Last time they struck, it took them a month to decide whether to print their picket signs on paper or plastic. (Bob Mills)

      The CDC says the circumcision rate in the U. S. is dropping. At least there's one thing that isn't being cut. (Jim Barach

      Sarah Palin is traveling to South Korea to speak at the 'World Knowledge Forum'. Isn't this like John Edwards speaking at a Marriage Forum? (Janice Hough

      The earthquake was so strong that the tea party shifted to the center. (David Letterman

      Researchers in Britain claim they have created a gel that prevents tooth decay. We've got this in America. It's called "toothpaste." (Craig Ferguson

      Dick Cheney says in his book that he would do it all over again. He feels so strongly that he said he would still invade the wrong country.(David Letterman

      L. A. Dodgers owner Frank McCourt sealed his doom by sending out a questionnaire to fans asking them to grade Vin Scully as the play-by-play announcer. The owner is out of his mind. All three major religions in Los Angeles recognize Vin Scully as the one true God. (Argus Hamilton

      HURRiCANE IRENE

      As Hurricane Irene prepared to batter the East Coast of the United States, federal disaster officials warned that Internet outages caused by the storm could force people to interact with other people for the first time in years. At the Federal Emergency Management Agency, FEMA chief Craig Fugate offered these words of advice for those who may be forced into direct contact with other human beings: "Be prepared. Write down possible topics to talk about in advance. Sports is a good one, and of course the weather. Remember, a conversation is basically a series of Facebook updates strung together." (Andy Borowitz)

      Hurricane Irene caused outages in 6,500 cell towers. Which means there will actually be less destruction overall from the storm when people won't be able to use their cell phones while driving. (Jim Barach

      Our thoughts go out to everyone on the East Coast waiting for Hurricane Irene. In Washington, D.C., thousands of people have been left without power. They're called Democrats. (Craig Ferguson

      Hurricane Irene seemed to completely run out of gas by the time it reached New York. Not at all unlike the Mets. As it turns out, there was no need for Donald Trump to slip into his wind-proof hair. (Jerry Perisho)

      Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back. (Jay Leno

      President Obama declared New Jersey a disaster area. He saw footage that turned his stomach. And when he was done watching Snooki and the Situation, he turned on the flood news. (Alan Ray)

      Glenn Beck called Hurricane Irene a blessing, saying it would teach people to be prepared for disasters. New Yorkers angrily responded, "We've learned that from the Mets bullpen." (Janice Hough

      Two Pennsylvania men were arrested for floating down a street in a raft during hurricane flooding and were charged with a lack of common sense. Arrested for a lack of common sense? If that is the case they could just incarcerate the entire stadium at a Raiders game. (Jim Barach

      It is so wet in New York, somebody had to give that thing on Donald Trump's head mouth-to-snout resuscitation. Rats had to do the backstroke to get into KFC. For an extra $50, the Times Square hookers would give you a squeegee. (Alex Kaseberg

      They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years. (Jay Leno

      People on the East Coast are cleaning up after the hurricane and on the West Coast, we're cleaning up after the Video Music Awards. (Craig Ferguson

      Hurricane Irene wasn't that bad. In fact, it was downgraded to a tropical storm. Even our hurricanes are getting downgraded. (Jay Leno

      THE EARTHQUAKE

      Shaking plaster from the National Cathedral, an earthquake rattled windows and nerves from New Hampshire to Georgia. Officially, meteorologists rated the quake 5.9 on the Richter Scale -- while out of habit, Standard & Poors reduced it to a 4.7. (Bob Mills)

      Washington D. C. was hit by an earthquake Tuesday, shaking the East Coast. To survive an earthquake you must carry an earthquake preparedness kit with a transistor radio, a flashlight and a can of tuna. If it didn't look like the Great Depression before, it does now. (Argus Hamilton

      The Weather Channel says today's east coast earthquake was caused by an unknown fault line running under D. C. and through Virginia. It is now being called Obama's Fault, though Obama will say it's really Bush's Fault. Other theories are that it was the founding fathers rolling over in their graves or that what we all believed to be an earthquake was actually the effects of a 14.6 trillion dollar check bouncing in Washington! (Sandy Sibert)

      Evangelist Pat Robertson sparked controversy in today's broadcast of his 700 Club program by saying that yesterday's mild East Coast earthquake was God's revenge on people "who act kind of gay." (Andy Borowitz)

      A 75-year-old Washington, DC man regained his hearing when the Virginia earthquake struck on Aug. 23. Now, the poor guy is listening to Obama and Congress bicker and he's praying for deafness to return. (Jerry Perisho)

      The East still recovering from the quake. Speaker John Boehner was so scared his facial color went from Sedona orange to light pumpkin. (Alex Kaseberg

      The earthquake last week caused cracks in the Washington Monument. Experts say it's the biggest crack problem in D. C. since Marion Barry. (Jay Leno

      KIM KARDASHIAN

      When Kim Kardashian exchanged "I do's" with Nets star Kris Humphries, she reportedly wore a wedding dress featuring a very long train. Seems fitting given the bride's large caboose. (RJ Currie)

      Kim Kardashian's wedding gown had a tulle skirt with a basque waist and Chantilly lace set off by a pair of Giuseppe Zanotti shoes. Pretty impressive for a bride who became famous for not wearing anything at all. (Bob Mills)

      Kim Kardashian fulfilled her childhood dream of having a lavish wedding ceremony, wearing an expensive designer gown, and having hundreds of guests. It lacked only one thing. She wanted Dad to spring OJ so he could provide the knife to cut the cake. (Bob Mills)

      Brittny Gastineau caught the bouquet at Kim Kardashian's wedding last weekend. Tradition says she'll be the next to get married. Common sense says she'll be the next to log on to EBay. (Tim Hunter)

      Believed caused by the stress of her recent wedding, Kim Kardashian has developed the skin disease psoriasis. But in a way she's lucky. Her welts spell out the names of well-known designers. (Bob Mills

      Kim Kardashian's wedding gift registry included some spoons that sold for more than $1,200 each. I guess plastic spoons were too good for her.  (Nancy Jo Perdue

      DICK CHENEY

      Dick Cheney's tell-all book about his days as vice-president is out. A lot of people didn't think he had the heart. The rest of the people didn't think he had a heart.(Tim Hunter)

      Dick Cheney's book is an inside look at what it's like to be president — uh, vice president. (Jay Leno

      Former Vice President Dick Cheney has launched a major book tour to promote his new memoir "In My View." He's hitting almost all the talk shows and even offered to go on "The View" if Barbara Walters would allow him waterboard Joy Behar. (Bob Mills

      Dick Cheney says that when people in Washington read his new book, "heads will be exploding." When Cheney says heads will be exploding, he means it. (Craig Ferguson

      Former Sec. of State Colin Powell accused former VP Dick Cheney of taking "cheap shots" in order to sell his new book. Normally, when Cheney takes a cheap shot someone goes to the ER with pellets in their face. (Jerry Perisho)

      In an interview on "Today", Dick Cheney said he doesn't think the War in Iraq hurt the reputation of the U. S. Apparently it was more the torture, domestic spying and record high deficits during his time in office that hurt our reputation. (Jim Barach

      Dick Cheney's new book recounts being alone in Washington on the day of the World Trade Center attack. The day of the attack he ordered the shoot-down of any passenger planes approaching Washington, which was illegal. He only has a hunting license for lawyers. (Argus Hamilton

      George W. Bush declined to criticize Dick Cheney's book saying simply "I'm glad members of my family are giving their version of what it was like to serve our country." Translation – "does anyone REALLY think I'll read the thing? (Janice Hough

      In his new book, Dick Cheney goes after his enemies like they're lawyers on a quail hunt. (Craig Ferguson

      THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES

      Michele Bachmann's campaign now says she was only joking when she described Hurricane Irene the D.C earthquake as a warning from God. This also just in: God says He was only joking when he sent us Michele Bachmann. (Janice Hough

      Presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann is making a campaign promise to take us back to the days of $2 gas. The trick is going to be building a Delorean big enough for the entire country to fit! (Tim Hunter)

      There's one job Michele Bachmann would be worse at than president. She'd be terrible at writing questions and answers for Trivial Pursuit. (Nancy Jo Perdue

      Texas Governor Rick Perry led Mitt Romney and Ron Paul in Gallup's poll of the GOP presidential candidates Friday. Conservatives love his cowboy rhetoric. If he becomes president the only thing that can prevent an invasion of Iran is the discovery of oil in Syria. (Argus Hamilton

      Mitt Romney says his $12 million, 3,000-square-foot California beach house is inadequate. I guess that's why he wants to move into public housing on Pennsylvania Ave. (Nancy Jo Perdue

      GOP candidate Ron Paul says if he was president, he'd abolish FEMA. Although it wouldn't happen right away because he'd put FEMA in charge of abolishing FEMA.  (Frank King)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Pres. Obama will address a joint session of Congress next Wednesday to discuss his jobs plan. I remember the good old days of the Clinton administration when a presidential "job plan" simply involved Monica Lewinsky reaching under his desk. (Jerry Perisho)

      After pressure from Republicans, President Obama moved his big jobs speech from Wednesday to Thursday night. Obama gave in when he realized something important: He could just TiVo "Jersey Shore." (Jimmy Fallon

      President Obama changed the date of his planned jobs speech after Republicans complained that it conflicted with a planned GOP primary debate. A lot of commotion on behalf of Americans who wanted to hear the speech and see the debate too. All three of them. (Janice Hough

      President Obama's popularity rating has dipped to under 40 points. At this rate, by election time next year, he'll actually owe points. (Tim Hunter)

      President Obama is pushing spending on transportation. Although no one knows why he wants to fix highways and promote air travel since no one needs to drive to work or can take a vacation anymore. (Jim Barach

      President Obama has declared that September is National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month. And if you're looking for a way to celebrate, I recommend the "Mac n' Cheese Big Daddy Patty" from Denny's. (Jimmy Fallon

      ADMINISTRATION

      The Justice Dept is trying to block the merger between AT&T and T-Mobile. It's only fair because AT&T keeps blocking the mergers between me and the people I try to call. (Jimmy Fallon

      Pres. Obama picked unemployment expert Alan Krueger as his top economic adviser. In a White House ceremony, Obama welcomed him to the administration and said he begin ignoring his advice immediately. (Jerry Perisho)

      THE CONGRESS

      The current Congress wouldn't save their own mother if it somehow benefited the President. (Mark Brickman
      Well, I think actually they might. But they would blame whatever put her life in danger on Obama. (Janice Hough)

      House majority leader Eric Cantor is urging fellow GOP members to work with him to repeal liberal environmental laws that impede oil drilling and prevent new hiring. He's got lots of support. Most Republicans now call the Endangered Species list the "menu." (Bob Mills

      THE STATES

      The Texas supreme court has upheld the state’s $5 stripper pole tax on customers. The dancers are the most adept at collecting the fee. It doesn’t even have to change hands. (Alan Ray)

      Texas will allow hunters to shoot feral pigs from helicopters. As opposed to the traditional Texas hunting method of shooting everything from a moving pickup truck. (Jim Barach

      A judge has blocked an attempt by the Governor of New Mexico to verify the driver's licenses of 10,000 immigrants. To which most people are asking "They have driver's licenses in New Mexico?" (Jim Barach

      LOCAL NEWS

      A pregnant Illinois law student finished her bar exam and then gave birth two hours later to a healthy baby boy. Let me guess. Labor law? (RJ Currie)

      A jury in Kentucky rejected a truck driver's $16 million lawsuit against his surgeon for amputating part of his penis without permission. The doctor was performing a circumcision operation when he spotted what he thought was potentially deadly cancer and made the cuts. The patient claimed it wasn't an emergency, and he should've been consulted after he woke up. But a majority of jurors sided against him. They gave him a fair hearing, but he just came up a little short. (Reeder & Ainsworth)

      A Pamplona-style running of the bulls has been slated for Cave Creek, a Phoenix suburb. Could be the most bull in the area since Gary Bettman justified NHL expansion. (RJ Currie)

      An Ohio man was arrested for having sex with an inflatable raft. Police were just amazed that someone still had enough energy for sex after blowing up a raft. (Jim Barach

      A Florida lawyer was arrested for threatening his girlfriend in a nude sword fight. He's been charged with making a pointed argument. (RJ Currie)

      A Michigan man whose truck struck four other cars before coming to a halt told police he lost his brakes and tried to slow down by dragging his foot on the ground. Already he's back to work -- with a new nickname. 'Stumpy'. (Bob Mills

      The Lincoln (Neb.) City Council has banned new strip clubs downtown. In fact, they won't even let the Cornhuskers wear tearaway jerseys. (Dwight Perry

      A boy in San Diego who was throwing rocks at cars is in stable condition after being shot with a bow and arrow. Apparently, the Obama economy is so bad, the juvenile delinquents and criminals have run out of bullets. (Frank King)

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      Former President Bill Clinton says he's now a vegan. Of course, it all depends on what your definition of meat is. (Tim Hunter)

      THE ECONOMY

      S&P is rating subprime mortgages as a better risk than the U. S. debt. Mostly because with a mortgage there is still something of value standing after the foreclosure. (Jim Barach)

      The Department of Justice is moving to block the buyout of T-Mobile by AT&T. Apparently they feel it wouldn't be fair to T-Mobile users who are actually used to being able to place phone calls with their service.  (Jim Barach

      TAXES 

      President Obama is pushing spending on transportation. Although no one knows why he wants to fix highways and promote air travel since no one needs to drive to work or can take a vacation anymore. (Jim Barach

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Shell oil has received permission to begun off-shore drilling in Alaska. The EPA demanded some pretty strict conditions. For instance, in the event of a spill that destroys wildlife, Shell had to agree to provide free to the public a supply of those little yellow balls that snap on the end of your car's radio antenna. (Bob Mills)

      Over 60,000 grocery workers in Southern California have voted to go on strike. How do you spot an employee protest at Albertsons? It’s the only line that’s actually moving. (Alan Ray)

      Steve Jobs has stepped down as CEO of Apple. How does he plan to isolate himself from the public? He’ll take a position in the tech support division. (Alan Ray)

      Supermodels Adriana Lima, Miranda Kerr and Erin Heatherton have appeared in a new series of ads for push-up bras by Victoria's Secret. And to think I used to hate push-ups. (RJ Currie)

      Chick-fil-A is offering free breakfast for an entire week. Although if you eat breakfast at Chick-fil-A for an entire week, you're going to pay a price. (Jimmy Fallon

      Researchers at IBM have developed a computer chip that mimics the human mind It also comes in a female version that has no fear of asking a stranger for directions, can't learn to use a TV remote, and prefers the temperature 10 degrees higher than the male chip. (Bob Mills

      Hey, I heard that 7-Eleven is now selling potato chips that taste like hot dogs. Seriously? I'm still waiting for 7-Eleven to sell hot dogs that taste like hot dogs. (Jimmy Fallon

      Officials with eBay plan to build a facility in Utah and hire 2,200 people. The jobs will go to the highest online bidders. (Nancy Jo Perdue

      Following McDonald's lead to stress healthier fare, Burger King has ditched its mustachioed king mascot. In his place, they've adopted a new, more in-touch-with-reality mascot -- an ambulance driver carrying heart defibrillator paddles. (Bob Mills)

      TRANSPORTATION

      A pilot for Cathay Pacific Airlines was suspended for initiating a flight attendant into the "Mile High Club" in the cockpit of his Boeing 747. He'd have gotten away with it if he hadn't left the intercom on after pointing out landmarks. (Bob Mills)

      Disaster was narrowly averted when two beehives being smuggled on a Russian Aeroflot passenger plane tipped over and the bees escaped. The pilot tried to alert ground personnel but the flight controllers, having just finished a nap, thought he was just buzzing the tower. (Bob Mills

      Scientists at Exxon-Mobil have discovered that the fat cells found in alligators may be used as a cheap alternative fuel. Gas prices are so high in Italy, when the news was announced, a guy was spotted stuffing his designer loafers into his tank. (Bob Mills)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      Two burglars wearing fake Time-Warner Cable uniforms were arrested by LA cops. Police say it was the uniforms that caused neighbors to call them. Of course, even when a real cable installer shows up is suspicious enough to rate a call to 911. (Bob Mills)

      TERRORISM 

      The CIA is hoping Moammar Gadhafi's weapons don't fall into the wrong hands. Weren't they already in the wrong hands? (David Letterman)

      NASA & SPACE

      Domino's Pizza has announced plans to build the first pizza shop on the Moon. And it used to be a problem when companies just sent American jobs overseas. (Jim Barach)

      The three crew members on the international space station may leave early because a rocket bringing supplies crashed. They have some food left, but it's all in the mini-bar, and that's really expensive in space. (Jay Leno

      CANADA

      The 11th foot in four years has washed up on a beach near Vancouver. As to who is doing this, like the victims, the police are stumped. They had to call an ambulance and a toe truck. It is the kind of gruesome and senseless crime that makes people hopping mad. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Lingerie Football All-Fantasy game in Hamilton reportedly drew only 970 ticket-buyers. Organizers call it a disappointing gate. The Florida Marlins call it a good crowd. (RJ Currie)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      Prince Charles adopted a puppy. He has floppy ears and a big snout — and I don't know what the puppy is like. (Craig Ferguson

      A 15-year old UK girl has been fitted with bionic fingers to replace those she lost after contracting chickenpox. The fingers were developed by a Scottish firm that provides bionic middle fingers for New York City cabbies. (Bob Mills)

      A 26-year-old Londoner is reportedly recovering after her left breast implant burst when she was shot in the chest playing paintball. The woman is said to be a bit deflated but otherwise all right. (RJ Currie)

      A Scottish mortuary has developed an eco-friendly machine that liquefies dead bodies in three hours and emits fewer green house gasses than cremation. American scientists who've tested the device says it works even faster on bodies that have had a head start like, say, Mel Gibson's or Lindsay Lohan's. (Bob Mills

      EUROPE

      Now that the rape charges against him have been dropped, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who always maintained he was simply a scumbag, not a rapist, is considering a run for the Presidency of France. And some are not ruling him out. Meanwhile, the French may be getting a dual citizenship request, from Bill Clinton. (Janice Hough

      Officials in Prague say a kangaroo has been returned to its owner after it was caught stealing lingerie from clotheslines. It took police a while, but they finally got the jump on him. (RJ Currie)

      AFRICA

      Libyan rebels had captured most of Tripoli Monday, spelling the end of dictator Muammar Qaddafi's reign. What do you think? This is a victory for the Libyan people. Just look at the jubilant crowds on the streets of Tripoli. I assume  the women are enjoying quiet celebrations at home. (Amy Lethbridge-Stewart)
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