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Weakly Humerus News 08-06-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-06-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Headline of the week: Take extra precautions with elderly in heat . (Cam
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 6, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-06-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Headline of the week: "Take extra precautions with elderly in heat". (Cam Hutchinson) (Newspaper not identified) 

      A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan . He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof. (Danny Keller)

      I don't believe in birth control. If you want to control your fertility, do it the way God intended: with a cold, loveless marriage. (Stephen Colbert)

      An Ohio woman sprayed sheriff's deputies with breast milk as they tried to detain her. What's the big deal? Sounds to me like somebody is crying over spilled milk.   (Cam Hutchinson)  

      After the opening round of the Bridgestone Invitational, an ESPN analyst said Tiger's putter was outstanding. Isn't that what got Woods into trouble in the first place? (RJ Currie)

      After 20 months in prison for shooting himself in the thigh inside a nightclub, Plaxico Burress has signed with the New York Jets. Jets coach, Rex Ryan, needs the troublesome Burress like he needs a hole in his leg. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Despite the debt deal success, the U. S. might still get downgraded by the financial rating agencies, which is kinda like when a man leaves his wife even after she gets a boob job. (Jake Novak)

      The president signed the debt ceiling bill into law. Democrats hate it and Republicans hate it, so I guess it can't be that bad. (Conan O'Brien)

      A recent NY Times-CBS News poll showed 82 percent of Americans now disapprove of the way Congress is handling its job. Shocking! 18 percent actually approve? (Janice Hough)
      '
      'Cowboys and Aliens' takes place in Arizona, which is weird. Who would have thought they would have problems with aliens in Arizona? (Craig Ferguson)

      Hugh Hefner says he had sex with his former fiancee Crystal Harris weekly. However she says he spelled "weekly" wrong. (Jim Barach)

      NATIONAL DEBT CEILING

      If the debt limit isn't lifted by midnight next Tuesday, President Obama is going to switch to plan b: a nationwide 'going out of business' sale. Everything is 50% off! All government buildings! All parks! Everything must go! (Jay Leno)

      President Obama, Congressional Republicans and Democrats all worked through the weekend and finally agreed on a debt cutting plan. Now it's on to trying to avoid more serious financial disasters, like the L. A. Dodgers. (Jake Novak)

      The U. S. Congress broke out in partisan warfare during the debt crisis stalemate Friday. At risk was default, a downgrade, a market crash and civil unrest. Al-Qaeda just offered every member of Congress honorary membership and a ten percent discount in the al-Qaeda gift shop. (Argus Hamilton)

      By midweek the Democrats had given to the Republicans more than they originally asked for when these negotiations started. The Republicans still wouldn't take it. The Democrats -- getting rid of the Bush tax cuts? No, that's off the table. Limiting deductions on corporate jets? No, off the table. Ending subsidies for oil companies? Off the table. The only thing that is on the table is the Democrats, bent over. (Bill Maher)

      John Boehner's plan: no tax increases and a trillion dollars in cuts. Harry Reid's paln: no tax increases, $2 trillion in cuts. This makes it very hard for the White House, because if the Democrats don't stand up for what they believe in, how can Obama sell them out?  (Bill Maher)

      If the Senate approves the debt deal, President Obama will sign it into law by the end of the day. All it took was the threat of financial Armageddon to get both sides working together. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally? It's what they call a "two-step" deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama changed his slogan from "Yes we can," to "Yes we cave." (Jay Leno)

      President Obama signed a debt ceiling increase, ending a two-week debate between Democrats and Republicans. It was like a couple going on a two-week vacation just before the divorce. Every day's spent fighting over what to do, then you settle on doing something neither of you can stand. (Argus Hamilton)

      Not to say that President Obama surrendered on the debt ceiling deal. But he got a congratulatory phone call from France. (Janice Hough)

      Democrats went online Wednesday to express their fury at President Obama for caving in to the Tea Party in the debt ceiling deal. It inspired a brilliant idea. Arnold Schwarzenegger just asked President Obama if he would represent Maria in the divorce, so he can get everything. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama signed the new debt bill into law. But it doesn't really solve the problem. Economists say in 10 years, the deficit will be $27 trillion. But you know what? In 10 years, that'll be president Bieber's problem. (Jay Leno)

      I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces. (Jason Jones)

      Someone said President Obama was wrong for telling the American people to call their representatives about the debt ceiling. If there's one thing that congressmen hate, it's being told what to do by the people that put them there. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney said Monday he opposes the debt ceiling deal. Which means in about a week he should be supporting it. (Janice Hough)

      In an historic eleventh-hour bipartisan accord, the United States’ debt ceiling was raised before the Tea Party understood what it was. (Andy Borowitz

      House Speaker John Boehner is urging Republicans to support his bill by telling them to get their asses in line. That's what he said -- get their asses in line. This is typical Washington -- if it's not Obama kissing Wall Street's ass, it's Boehner kicking ass, or it's Congressman David Wu grabbing ass. They're a bunch of asses. (Jay Leno)

      Congressional Black Caucus chair Emanuel Cleaver called the final debt ceiling deal a "sugar-coated Satan sandwich." Really? Doesn't that title already belong to the Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburger? Yes, it is a burger using doughnuts as buns. (Janice Hough)

      That's right, we finally have a deal on the debt ceiling. But get this — Democratic Congressman Emanuel Cleaver is referring to the plan as a "sugar-coated Satan sandwich." Or as Americans put it, "Sugar-coated? Yum -- I'll take six, please!" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Because of our national debt, every child in this country owes $50,000. China heard this and said, "We're hiring." (Jay Leno)

      Sen. McConnell said the Republicans stood to benefit the most from striking a deal that warded off financial calamity: "We deserve full credit for finding the antidote, even though we were the ones who administered the poison." (Andy Borowitz)

      After the debt vote, Sen. Chuck Schumer said it's time for jobs to move to the front burner. They're only worried about our jobs when they're about to lose their jobs. (Jay Leno)

      The debt deal calls for the formation of a "super Congress" to take on tougher decisions down the road. In case you're wondering, a super Congress consists of six congressmen from each party, plus Wolverine. (Conan O'Brien)

      They say we avoided economic disaster. So now we're $16 trillion in debt. That's not "economic disaster?" (David Letterman)

      ALEX RODRIQUEZ

      Alex Rodriguez allegedly participated in illegal underground poker games, and MLB sources say he could face suspension. The Yankees are just hoping if so that the suspension is during the playoffs, since A-Rod seldom does much then anyway (Janice Hough)

      A-Rod's publicist has issued a statement denying stories about the illegal poker games, adding Alex looks forward to "cooperating with Major League Baseball's investigation." Wonder what exonerating evidence there is, or does A-Rod just think he is holding pocket aces? (Janice Hough)

      Alex Rodriguez may have been involved in illegal underground poker. Word is he plays Texas Hold’em like he performs in the postseason. He tends to fold. (Alan Ray

      My son offered to show me his new A-Rod card. He handed me the ace of spades. (Charlie Gay)

      When Alex Rodriguez said he was hungry for a World Series ring this year, did he mean baseball or poker? (Dwight Perry)

      According to a recent study, less intelligent women tend to want more sex. This is good news to Alex Rodriguez, who is dating Cameron Diaz. (RJ Currie)

      A-Rod is being investigated for being involved with illegal poker games. The action Major League Baseball takes could directly affect the action Cameron Diaz gets. (Tim Hunter)

      AMY WINEHOUSE

      Amy Winehouse seriously should've known where to draw the line, I guess on the coffee table wasn't such a good idea. (Eric Hodgson)

      McDonalds have released the Amy Winehouse McValue McMeal. Just Coke and Ice. (Eric Hodgson

      Can all those mourners outside Amy Winehouse's home please form a line? It's what she would've wanted. (Eric Hodgson)

      Amy Winehouse's parents told London newspapers Thursday they believe that the singer died from alcohol withdrawal and not from a drug overdose. Her most devoted fans believe that she's still alive. After the police outlined her body with chalk, she jumped up and snorted it. (Argus Hamilton)

      Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, Jimmi Hendrix, Ian Curtis, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin all died at 27. Justin Bieber turns 27 in 2021. Just be patient. (Eric Hodgson)

      THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES.

      Fox News will host the next Republican primary debate on Aug. 11 in Iowa. Yeah, Fox News will ask some tough questions, like "How much better are you than Obama," "Why is Obama such a bad president," and "Man, can you believe we elected that guy?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Some big election news. It's rumored that Sarah Palin will announce her presidential campaign at a Labor Day rally in Iowa. Palin has a great speech planned -- she's like, "We have to do this as a team! Remember, there is no 'I' in Iowa!" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he supports states' right to allow gay marriage — but he also supports a constitutional amendment to ban it. What is it with folks like Perry, Mitt Romney and John Kerry? Their positions don't last as long as their hair gel. (Janice Hough)

      Just 10 days until the big Iowa Republican presidential straw poll. How many think Mitt Romney will win the straw poll? How many think Michele Bachmann will win? How many would rather vote for the straw? (Jay Leno)

      Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, 'Because of that comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher posters. (Conan O'Brien)

      Michele Bachmann refused to answer questions about her husband's religious counseling practice Friday. He's said gay men came to him asking him to help them pray their way into becoming straight. Some guys will do anything to get out of joining the Army or getting married. (Argus Hamilton)

      Donald Trump says he will run for President if the economy stays bad. In which case if he wins, he will pretty much guarantee it (Jim Barach)

      Newt Gingrich's campaign is denying reports that most of his 1.3 Million Twitter followers are fake. An even bigger problem is convincing voters that his candidacy is real. (Jim Barach)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama will turn 50 on Thursday. Congress has agreed to raise his age ceiling. (Jay Leno)

      Happy birthday to President Obama, who is turning 50, although Republicans in Congress are demanding he cut his age to 40. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama is celebrating his 50th birthday. A lot of parties are being held because of him. He said he is grateful, but he can do without the Tea Party. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      President Obama celebrated his 50th birthday in Chicago. Obama cut the cake, then Republicans cut everything else (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama says that for his birthday, he wants a deal on the national debt. In other news, Michelle Obama is at the Apple store trying to buy a $4 trillion iTunes gift card. (Conan O'Brien)

      Happy birthday to President Obama. It's hard to believe that just a year ago, Obama was in his 40s and his approval rating was in the 50s. Now it's the other way around. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama celebrated his 50th birthday in Chicago. Obama cut the cake, then Republicans cut everything else. (Jimmy Fallon)

      It's President Obama's birthday. I can't believe it's been 50 years since his mother forged his birth certificate. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Today Michelle Obama urged her husband's supporters to sign an e-card for his 50th birthday. Which explains why Joe Biden has magic marker all over his computer screen. (Jimmy Fallon)

      There was no birthday party. Or at least, that's what they told Joe Biden. (Jay Leno)

      Michele Bachmann planned to attend Barack Obama's birthday party until she realized the invitation stated: "We'll have a GAY old time." (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      Sarah Palin never planned to attend the president's birthday bash. She said she can see all the festivities from her back yard. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      President Obama celebrated his birthday by blowing out the candles on his cake as the lights went out on the economy. (Marc Ragovin)

      The president said he looks forward to blowing out all 50 candles because it will give him a politically correct excuse to blow off smoke. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      Obama got some lovely presents. China gave him an extension on his rent. (David Letterman)

      A new poll shows that President Obama is losing support among voters in Florida, which explains why this morning he sent SEAL Team 6 out to get Casey Anthony. (Conan O'Brien)

      ADMINISTRATION

      The US Postal Service is going to feature online previews of the stamps in its 2012 collection. That's great news for insomniacs when the Mariners have a day off. (Gary Morton)

      President Obama has unveiled new fuel efficiency standards for cars and light trucks. He's also predicting that the housing market will rebound and average people will again be able to afford their own homes. Unfortunately, they'll be those same cars and light trucks. (Bob Mills)

      Vice-President Joe Biden called members of the Tea Party 'terrorists'. In retaliation, members of the Tea Party called the Vice-President,'A Joe Biden'! (Tim Hunter)

      It's just been revealed that Vice President Joe Biden is charging the Secret Service rent to station its guards in the cottage near his home in Delaware. But the good news is they get to call him every night to fix the clogged toilet. (Jake Novak)

      THE CONGRESS

      The disapproval rating for Congress has dropped to an all time low of 82%. Apparently that means that 18% of Americans are rich Republicans. (Jim Barach)

      On the threat of a Republican filibuster before the debt-ceiling vote: A filibuster is when someone talks forever with no real point. Or, as Dick Vitale calls that, 'broadcasting'. (Brad Dickson)

      The whole Congress has to stay there for the whole weekend. The Tea Party Republicans are especially pissed off at this -- a lot of them had to cancel their Civil War Reenactments. Their plan is to not pay our bills and hope nobody gets too mad about it. Call me crazy, but I think the government owes an apology to Wesley Snipes. Wasn't that his plan? (Bill Maher)

      According to a new poll, voters described the way Congress behaved during the debt debate as "disgusting, stupid, and ridiculous." They would have also accepted "gutless and cowardly." (David Letterman)

      On the 50th annual Congressional Baseball Game: Equipment was purchased by the Pentagon, so rosin bags cost $12,000 each. (Jerry Perisho)

      "The Republicans attached 39 riders to the bill repealing environmental protection laws. One of them forbade the government to add any more animals to the endangered species list. Sorry, woodpeckers, but once we get rid of Social Security the old people are going to have to eat something. (Bill Maher)

      Congressman David Wu resigned Friday after allegations he had sex with a teenager. He's the fourth member of Congress to leave this year over a sex scandal. It's certainly no problem getting a defense bill through Congress when we're fighting an adversary that stones adulterers. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE COURTS

      Two former college athletes are suing EA Sports for using their likenesses in their video games without their consent. What makes them really mad is that one part of the video game showed them actually going to class. (Jake Novak)

      THE MILITARY

      The Navy trains and deploys for missions 75 dolphins and 35 sea lions. It was awkward, when Sarah Palin heard this she said; "Wow, I knew the Navy used seals, but I didn't know about dolphins and sea lions. (Alex Kaseberg)

      THE STATES

      Old time politicians are comparing New Jersey's 250-pound governor Chris Christie to Grover Cleveland, the porkiest president in U. S. history. Christie is so fat, when he flies he has to buy two seats and pay for the extra power it takes the TSA x-ray machine to see through him. (Bob Mills)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Men's Health magazine rated Lexington, Kentucky, as the least physically active city in the United States: Residents of the city have vowed not to take it lying down. (RJ Currie)

      New York City has been chosen as the most "walkable" city in the world. I think it's true because last night, we had 500 people in the theater who couldn't wait to walk out. (David Letterman)

      Rumor has it that both Kelsey Grammer and Alec Baldwin are both considering future runs for Mayor of New York City. Guess the strategy is, get your scandals out there BEFORE running for office. (Janice Hough)

      A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on $700 worth of Victoria's Secret underwear. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, foreplay. "Why don't you slip into something a little more con carni?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      A restaurant here in New York is serving a grilled cheese-flavored martini. Or as parents put it, "Finally, a way to get my kids to finish their martinis." (Jimmy Fallon)

      A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A new report has found that adults in Washington D. C. were the top abusers of alcohol, cocaine, and marijuana. Hence the name 'District of Columbia. All this time we thought the problem was government waste. Nope – the government is wasted. (Jay Leno)

      Hollywood Boulevard erupted in rioting when a rave concert had to be called off. Thousands of teens poured out onto the street smashing windows and overturning cars. From the helicopter view it looked like six Los Angeles high schools getting out at the same time. (Argus Hamilton)

      USA Today reported Thursday on the booming business done in Beverly Hills pawn shops during this recession. The pawnbrokers said their customers live month to month, have no property and no credit. A pickpocket on Rodeo Drive came home last night with three pounds of lint. (Argus Hamilton)

      A two-week operation in Mendocino National Forest destroyed 460,000 marijuana plants, and U. S. agents also seized 3/4 ton of processed pot. In related news, Krispy Kreme cut profit forecasts 20 percent. (Janice Hough)

      A Mississippi man was arrested for letting his eight year old son drive their truck on an Interstate while he slept. Apparently it wasn't a real problem except that they were pulled over in South Carolina. (Jim Barach)

      A Mississippi dad was cited by police when they discovered he had allowed his eight-year old son to drive the family car for more than forty miles on a major interstate. The father told police he was putting safety first -- the boy was the only one in the vehicle wearing shoes. (Bob Mills)

      A Tennessee man will be exhumed to retrieve the wrong pair of dentures he was buried with. Wouldn't you like to know where the right pair are? (Cam Hutchinson

      Police were summoned to Wall Street when three performance artists removed their clothes to protest the behavior of stock manipulators. Nonetheless, before the cops showed up one of the brokers somehow managed to pick the pocket of one of them. (Bob Mills)

      Voters on Long Island have resoundingly rejected a plan to use public money to rebuild the arena for the NHL's New York Islanders. Local residents also rejected a plan to rebuild most of the hockey players' teeth. (Jake Novak)

      A young female shopper in Pendleton, Oregon was taking advantage of Wal-Mart's "Back-to-School" sale when security personnel tactfully asked her to don a T-shirt over her barely effective bikini top. She finally agreed to don the T-shirt, but not before the greeter conducted a three-hour interrogation. (Bob Mills

      A Michigan medical marijuana shop is being investigated for offering to give pot to people who register to vote. Of course, anyone who participates will arrive to vote three to six weeks after the election. (Jim Barach)

      Melvin Roberts, 58, of Seneca, S.C., is recovering after being struck by lightning for the sixth time in his life. On the bright side, he's been inundated with date requests from North Korean soccer players. (Dwight Perry)

      An ex-Louisiana governor just married a woman 51 years younger. Or as Hugh Hefner put it, Does she have a daughter?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      The essence of the problem is something I've been saying for years. One party has no brains; the other party has no balls. Is it really too much to ask that there be one party with both? (Bill Maher)

      It's interesting to see the tea party go from a small group of people that everyone thinks is crazy to a large group of people that everyone thinks is crazy. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      One of the leading Tea Partiers, Congressman Joe Walsh, he famously went on YouTube and wagged his finger at Obama and said,"'Have you no shame, Mr. President?" It turns out he is $117,000 delinquent in his child support. Have you irony, Mr. Congressman? He had an excuse. He said his kids don't have a child support problem; they have a spending problem. (Bill Maher)

      Priorities, priorites: The stock market is falling, the debt ceiling deal is at best controversial, and three GOP Presidential contenders, Romney, Bachmann, and Santorum, have announced – they have signed another pledge against gay marriage. (Janice Hough)

      Bill Clinton endorsed New York's same-sex marriage law on Monday although he opposed same-sex marriage when he was president. Forget the logic. Gay groups won't accuse him of inconsistency because, to be fair, Bill Clinton opposed his own marriage when he was president. (Argus Hamilton)

      Political analysts say that Oprah Winfrey can help deliver to Obama the white, middle-class female vote. They also say Dr. Phil could deliver the fake doctor vote. (Conan O'Brien)
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