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Weakly Humerus News 07-30-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-30-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Only five days until the United States defaults. Or, four days and 23 hours until
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 30, 2011

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-30-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Only five days until the United States defaults. Or, four days and 23 hours until Congress does anything. (Jay Leno)

      Matt Kemp seems to be pressing under the weight of carrying the Dodger's offense. He's trying too hard to hit three-run home runs with the bases empty. (Vin Scully)

      Q. What do you call Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek chasing a thief this week through a San Francisco hotel? A. Trivial pursuit. (RJ Currie)

      Farm thieves in California have been stealing everything from grapes to avocados and even bees. Apparently several of the bee thieves were caught during a sting. (Jim Barack

      A survey says that most people don't know that President Obama is a Christian or that Mitt Romney is a Mormon. Apparently the survey was pretty much confined to people who watch Fox News. (Jim Barach)

      If you crossed Brett Favre with Sarah Palin would you end up with someone who actually knew when to quit? (Janice Hough)

      Sarah Palin said that if a deal isn't reached by Aug. 2, nothing will happen. Do you hear that, award-winning economists? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The NFL lockout is over. All the parties agreed and we have a compromise. It's too bad the national debt isn't as important as football. (David Letterman)

      The New York Giants are considering resigning their former wide receiver Plaxico Burress. When asked, Giants management said they decided they might as well take a shot at it. (Janice Hough)

      Former New York Gov. George Pataki says he is the only one who can beat Pres. Obama in 2012. For proof he cites recent polls that revealed only candidates whose names were not recognized by those polled could defeat the current president. (Stan Kegel

      John McEnroe and Bjorn Borg are launching of a line of underwear. If tennis players can get into that racket, should Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier team up to sell boxers? (Ian Hamilton)

      In Washington, the air quality today was described as 'red'. I'd never heard that. 'Red,' somewhere between smog and barbeque sauce. You know what 'red' is? It's bad for everyone, not just old people, sick people and babies. When it's just bad for old people, sick people and babies, that's called a Republican budget. (Bill Maher)

      THE DEBT CRISIS

      With less than one week until the President and Congress run out of time to make a deal, most experts agree that the debt ceiling crisis is like Y2K all over again, only with assholes instead of computers. (Andy Borowitz)

      The government is one week away from running out of money to pay its bills. So basically, our nation has become Nicholas Cage. (Conan O'Brien)

      The stencil on the debt ceiling mirror reads: "Caution, debts may actually be larger than they appear." (Jerry Perisho)  

      According to a poll, 77 percent of Americans blame Republican leaders for the coming default and 58 percent blame President Obama. There's the problem: That makes 135 percent. How can we solve the debt if we can't add up the poll numbers? (Jay Leno)

      Economists are worried if we fall into default "the good name of the United States" would suffer in the eyes of the world. Oh, shut up. We lost that fight the day we sent the cast of "Jersey Shore" to Italy. (Jay Leno)

      We are over $14 trillion in debt, but the "feels like" is $20 trillion. (David Letterman)

      Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default, President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three words: "President Joe Biden." (Jay Leno)

      Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner insists the U.S. will run out of money on August 2nd. That's even if Geithner decides to pay his taxes this year. (Jake Novak)

      On August 2, the United States government runs out of money. They may even have to stop paying Captain America. (David Letterman)

      President Obama says that the budget talks have turned into a circus. This was especially noticeable at the last meeting when all of the members of congress arrived in one car. (Tim Hunter)

      On CNN, Tim Pawlenty accused President Obama of "hiding in the basement" during debt ceiling talks. While Joe Biden accused President Obama of "locking him in the basement" during debt ceiling talks. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Speaking of the debt crisis, I read that if the U. S. debt were stacked in $100 bills, it would be as long as two football fields and as high as the statue of liberty. You know, just in case $14 trillion didn't seem like a lot to you. (Jimmy Fallon)

      House Democrats want President Obama to invoke the 14th Amendment, which would let him raise the debt ceiling on his own. Or as most people put it, "Wait, you could have done that the whole time?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      More and more Democrats want President Obama to just raise the debt limit by using the 14th Amendment. The rest of America just wants all the politicians to use the 5th Amendment to shut the heck up. (Jake Novak)

      Obama said he had been left at the altar a couple of times. And he asked a great question. He said, 'Can they say yes to anything?" A Democrat now has offered cuts in Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, and the Republicans still said 'no.' What is the Democrats' next offer? Kansas goes back to being a slave state? Obama moves back to Kenya? (Bill Maher)

      President Obama referred to the fight over the debt ceiling as a "partisan three-ring circus." Prompting calls for an immediate apology, from Ringling Brothers. (Janice Hough)

      In his speech, President Obama said that "compromise" has become a dirty word. Then he told Republicans to go compromise themselves. (Conan O'Brien)

      The debt ceiling debate is such a mess right now, al-Qaida is desperately trying to find a way to take credit for it. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama addressed the nation Monday and ripped the GOP Congress for the debt ceiling crisis. The president incited partisan rancor by saying John Boehner can't control his caucus. Republicans were outraged that he would leak John Boehner's medical records like this. (Argus Hamilton)

      John Boehner halted debt and budget talks with President Obama and decided to work with Senate Democrats. He said under the Constitution, Congress writes the laws and the president decides what he wants to sign. Ever since the Tea Party gave everyone on Capitol Hill a copy of the U. S. Constitution we don't have to call tech support in India to fix every problem. (Argus Hamilton)

      After all of these weeks of negotiating about the debt ceiling and trying to keep the deficit down, John Boehner today walked out and stopped taking Obama's calls. This should be very reassuring to the markets. One side's policy is budget cuts and closing tax loopholes and the other side's policy is "I'll be at my mother's." (Bill Maher)

      Sarah Palin said that "Scaring the American people is exactly what President Obama is doing," in regards to the debt ceiling. Oh please, oh please, can someone just ask Palin if she can explain the debt ceiling (Janice Hough).

      Sarah Palin urged House Republican freshmen today to stick to their principles when it comes to raising the debt limit. Well, at least until half way through the vote. (Janice Hough)

      John McCain yesterday quoted a Wall Street Journal article in referring to those who don't want to raise the debt-ceiling as "Tea Party Hobbits." Prompting calls for an immediate apology – from Hobbits. (Janice Hough)

      As the August 2 deadline approaches, several nightmare scenarios loom, including one in which the United States would officially become a province of China and would be renamed Panda Gardens 2. (Andy Borowitz)

      They say that the United States might default on its loans and China might foreclose. We'll have to move into a cheap rental country or something. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      In another possibility being openly discussed, the United States would cease to exist as an actual country but would continue in an online-only version. In this scenario, Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) would no longer be Speaker of the House but would instead be become an angry little orange avatar. (Andy Borowitz)

      If the debt ceiling isn't raised by Aug. 2, the whole country can go into default and we won't be able to pay our bills. Then we'll have to ask our parents for money, which will be very embarrassing. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      House Speaker John Boehner couldn't get enough of his own Republican colleagues to vote for his debt reduction bill. This is almost as bad as the time Eric Cantor refused to share the last available sun lamp at the tanning salon. (Jake Novak

      As for President Obama, he would step down and be replaced by Roger Goodell, commissioner of the National Football League. "What can I say?" a resigned Mr. Obama told reporters today.  "At least Roger got a deal done." (Andy Borowitz)

      President Obama urged the American people to call Congress and demand that both parties work together on a compromise. The calls are 99 cents for the first minute, and a trillion dollars for each additional minute. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Sen. John McCain harshly criticized Tea Party conservatives who are blocking progress on the debt ceiling. Sharon Angle and Christine O'Donnell have succeeded in making John McCain look like a sane political centrist. (Jerry Perisho)

      The government is just a few days from running out of money to pay their bills. The latest plan is to see how much cash they can get for John McCain on "Antiques Roadshow." (Conan O'Brien)

      Speaker Boehner has walked out of debt reduction talks because he will not accept ANY "revenue enhancements." So when did those "inalienable" rights become life, liberty, and the pursuit of lower taxes on millionaires? (Janice Hough)

      This debt crisis still isn't solved, but yesterday, the White House said it's working on a 'plan B'. Unfortunately, the B stands for 'bake sale'. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Experts say that because of the debt ceiling debate, America's credit rating could be seriously ruined. On the bright side, we were just approved for a Discover card. (Conan O'Brien)

      I heard that if we don't raise the debt ceiling, we could lose our AAA rating. Why doesn't the auto club mind their own business? (David Letterman)

      The government is less than a week away from not being able to pay its bills. We may have to move in with Canada for a while. (Conan O'Brien)

      GAY MARRIAGE

      Gay marriage is legal in New York. That's got to drive single women in Manhattan nuts, don't you think? Now all the good men are married AND gay. (Jay Leno)

      Gay marriage is now legal in New York. What are the differences between a straight and a gay wedding? In a straight wedding the bride doesn't suck, but the music does. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Apparently Niagara Falls was lit up with rainbow colors today, for all the marriages. But meanwhile, in New York City, the first couple married under the state's new same-sex marriage laws were Phyllis Siegal, 77, and Connie Kopelov, 85, two women who have been together for 23 years. So can any conservative say with a straight face how that ceremony threatens any heterosexual marriage? (Janice Hough)

      The first same-sex couple to tie the knot in New York City were 76 and 84 years old. They promised to love and cherish each other, until months do they part. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      So let's see, the GOP wants to reduce unwanted pregnancies and abortions, and also cut the number of familes with children on welfare. Hmm, maybe the best way to do this is to encourage poor people to enter into gay marriages. (Janice Hough)

      Ann Coulter said on the Joy Behar show that some gay people can indeed 'pray away the gay.' The response from the gay community. If that were true we could "pray away" Ann Coulter. (Janice Hough)

      Last week Texas Gov. Rick Perry was asked about NY's new same-sex marriage law. He replied "That's New York, and that's their business, and that's fine with me." Today he said "it's fine with me that a state is using their sovereign rights to decide an issue. Obviously gay marriage is not fine with me. My stance hasn't changed." Sounds like it's not just good hair that Rick has in common with John Kerry. (Janice Hough)

      RUPERT MURDOCH

      I'm sick of this. Every week's it's the same story. Our news is so monotonous, when Rupert Murdoch taps our phones, he just lets the machine pick up (Bill Maher)

      Manchester United is the most valuable sports franchise in the world. A few years ago, it was the target of a takeover by Captain Evil himself: Rupert Murdoch. (Craig Ferguson)

      Murdoch was going to buy Manchester United for less than he usually pays for a prime minister. (Craig Ferguson)

      Costa Mesa, California is offering people trash cans with locks on them. Apparently now that Rupert Murdoch has been busted for phone hacking, the only way Fox News can do their research is by going through everyone's trash. (Jim Barach)

      Why do Vampires subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
      Original Answer: It has a great circulation.
      2011 Answer: Rupert Murdock is kin (Stan Kegel

      Rupert Murdoch is reported as saying he was touched by all the condolence messages left on Amy Winehouse's phone. (Paul Benoit)

      THE HEAT WAVE

      It was 123 degrees in Minnesota. How far is Al Gore going to take this global warming hoax? (Bill Maher)

      123 degrees in Minnesota? Michele Bachmann's husband went in the closet just for the shade. (Bill Maher)

      123 degrees in Minnesota? Michele Bachmann's husband went in the closet just for the shade. (Bill Maher)

      Heat records were set in New Jersey over the weekend. Poor Snooki melted. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The southwest drought is leaving 1.5 Million bats around Austin hungry. The only bats more affected by a dry spell are the ones at Chavez Ravine suffering through another Dodger hitting drought. (Jim Barach)

      The record heat wave blanketing the country has set records from coast-to-coast.  Last week Minnesota, the  ice-fishing capital of the world, posted a whopping 125 degrees. It was so hot in Lake Wobegone, Garrison Keillor's prairie home companion was his room air conditioner. (Bob Mills)

      We're under a heat dome, and meteorologists believe it's due to Michele Bachmann's hair spray. (David Letterman)

      THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES

      According a new poll, less than half of Americans know that Mitt Romney is a Mormon. Even some of his wives don't know. (Conan O'Brien)

      Michelle Bachman admits to migraines. Doctors say it occurs in a part of her brain seldom used. In other words, all over. (Alan Ray)

      Supporters of Sarah Palin were incensed that the as yet undeclared candidate was left off an August straw poll for GOP presidential contenders in Iowa. Actually, responded the organizers of the ballot, we considered including Palin's name, but we quit that idea about halfway through the process. (Janice Hough)

      Texas Governor Rick Perry disclosed last week he feels like the Lord has called him to run for president. Weeks earlier Michele Bachmann said she'd been called by the Lord to run for president. Ever since God got a job selling annuities he's been on the phone to everyone he knows. (Argus Hamilton)

      Jeb Bush might run for president. To me, Bush presidencies are like "Caddyshack" movies. They should have stopped at one. (David Letterman)

      ALEX TREBEK

      A woman in San Francisco was arrested this week for stealing cash from Alex Trebek's hotel room. Trebek could tell something was up when the burglar said, "I'll take your wallet and personal belongings for free, Alex." (Jimmy Fallon)

      "Jeopardy" host Alex Trebek was injured while chasing someone who had just robbed his hotel room.  "Obvious for $1,000, Alex:  What's one thing a 71-year-old game show host shouldn't do?" Ironic that of all the game show hosts, he'd be the one to put himself in Jeopardy. (Tim Hunter)

      While chasing a burglar, Alex Trebek injured his Achilles tendon, or as he calls it, "the tendon named for this hero of Greek mythology." (Conan O'Brien)

      Alex Trebek actually hurt his leg while chasing the robber. When 911 asked for his location, he was like, "Erected in 1989, this San Francisco hotel became famous for its distinctive 'jukebox' appearance." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Alex Trebek injured his leg while chasing down a burglar. Trebek insists that at no time was he in jeopardy, or double jeopardy. (Conan O'Brien)

      KIM KARDASHIAN

      Kim Kardashian, fiancee of the Nets' Kris Humphries, had a bachelorette party thrown by her sisters that reportedly included an exotic dancer. No word on whether he kept up with the Kardashians. (RJ Currie)

      According to court records, Kim Kardashian has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against Old Navy for unauthorized use of her image in an ad.  It isn't likeness to her that Kim objects to --  it's the men's T-shirts the ad is trying to sell: "I'm With Trailer Trash." (Bob Mills)

      Kim Kardashian has been diagnosed with Psoriasis. She could go broke just buying enough cream to cover the dry, cracked skin just on her rear end. (Jim Barach)

      Apparently, Kim Kardashian will be a special guest judge on "Project Runway," so one of the challenges must include designing clothes for someone with a huge butt. (Craig Ferguson)

      In the latest episode of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians," Kim Kardashian revealed a rash that turned out to be the skin condition psoriasis. Now the real challenge--how in the world can I possibly think any less of her. (Tim Hunter)

      A spokesperson for Miss Kardashian said, "When the battle between Old Navy and Kim is over, she hopes to own the Navy. She loves men in uniforms." (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      The Kardashian sisters made $65 million. Maybe they should be running the country. (Jay Leno)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      It may be time for a woman president. At least a woman would stop and ask for directions. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama was hit with a $200 fine by the city of London for traffic congestion back in May. Why doesn’t he use a turn signal? He doesn’t want anyone to know if he’s going left or right. (Alan Ray)

      Barack Obama's birthday is coming up in a few days. He said he isn't hiring a clown for his party, but Joe Biden plans to attend any way. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      For birthday presents, Barack Obama is hoping he'll get a new copy of his birth certificate. The one he has is getting worn out by showing it to everyone upon demand. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      President Obama may have to cancel his 50th birthday party because of the debt limit crisis. The Republicans won't even let Obama raise his age. (Conan O'Brien)

      In a new interview, President Obama said he wants a "debt ceiling deal" for his 50th birthday. Then he was like, "But if I can't have that — iPad." (Jimmy Fallon)

      According to a new poll, President Obama is losing support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it is, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter. (Jay Leno)

      The World Champion San Francisco Giants visited Pres. Obama at the White House, Monday. When asked if that crying sound in the background was one of his daughters, Obama said, "No, that's John Boehner". (Jerry Perisho)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      The U. S. Postal Service on Tuesday will release a list of 3,653 post offices that could be shut down. Wonder if they'll post the list on Facebook and Twitter? (Janice Hough)

      The Post Office is considering closing 3,700 branches because they are so much in the red. Fortunately, the offices could be open for years because the notices of closing will be sent out in the mail. (Jim Barach)

      The U. S. Postal Service will start offering online previews of the stamps in its 2012 collection. That's right, stamp previews. Finally answering the question -- "What's more boring than stamps?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      HHS Secretary Kathleen Sibelius welcomed a federal health report Tuesday calling for all women to have access to the morning-after birth control pill. Drug-makers are working on developing a morning-after pill that's for men. It changes your DNA and your telephone number. (Argus Hamilton)

      GE CEO Jeff Immelt remains the head of President Obama's jobs commission, even as his company announced it is about to ship more jobs to China. Americans will still be okay with Immelt as long as one of those of the things he outsources is MSNBC. (Jake Novak)

      THE CONGRESS

      A poll says that 46% of Americans think that most members of Congress are corrupt. The rest think they are just a bunch of perverts, drunks and incompetents. (Jim Barach)

      Members of Congress should set aside the debt ceiling and take a vacation. I suggest they visit Oz so they can ask the wizard for courage, hearts and brains. (Nancy Jo Perdue

      I'm not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I'm just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of Skippy peanut butter. (Jon Stewart)

      John Boehner told Republicans to 'get in line.' He was very angry. His face turned from orange to mandarin orange. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Oregon Congressman David Wu will resign his House of Representatives seat very soon. On the plus side, at least he's one member of Congress who is getting mental health help. (Jerry Perisho)

      Congressman David Wu has resigned after being accused of unwanted sexual advances. Or as it was called in my high school, "the Conan." (Conan O'Brien)

      THE STATES

      In the last two years, Texas has accounted for half of all the net payroll increases in the entire country, mostly because the oil companies need a lot more people to count their money. (Jake Novak)

      New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital when he felt he couldn't breathe. Doctors said the condition is called "living in New Jersey." (Jay Leno)

      New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was taken to the hospital after having trouble breathing. Now he knows how his constituents feel trying to keep their heads above water every month. (Jim Barach)

      LOCAL NEWS
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