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Weakly Humerus News 07-02-11

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  • Stan
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-02-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Honestly! Don t you think Airport Security asking a ninety-five-yeae-old
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 2, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-02-11 
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      "Honestly! Don't you think Airport Security asking a ninety-five-yeae-old grandmother to remove her adult diaper is an obvious violation of her Constitutional rights?!" "Depends." (Gorrell)

      The president is sinking in the polls. He's so unpopular that even Kenyans are saying he was born in the United States. (Argus Hamilton)

      A lot of people are taking time off for the holidays. For instance, Rod Blagojevich is going away for a while. (David Letterman)

      I'm confused, at what point in this ever increasing cast of characters running for President do we get to send one of them home without a rose? (Janice Hough)

      A Chicago hot-dog company is suing a rival for allegedly stealing its secret recipe: "Just what we need, another weiner scandal." (Jimmy Fallon)

      The economy is so rotten that last night the guy who owns WalMart was seen shopping at WalMart. (Argus Hamilton)

      Ex-lightweight champ Juan Diaz has quit the ring to attend law school at University of Massachusetts Dartmouth. reported. In other words, he's going from boxers to briefs. (Dwight Perry)

      Reuters reports troops brought in to scare away storks from an Austrian air show have been ordered not to fire their guns but to stare at the birds instead. This has raised concerns the soldiers will be driven stork staring mad. (RJ Currie)

      In March twenty percent of all college students went to Mexico for Spring break while the rest of them went there for a new life. (Argus Hamilton)

      A stu dy says that payday can be deadly for some people, mostly because some people do foolish things when they get a lot of money at once. The good news in this economy is that twice a month, millions of peoples' lives are saved by not getting paid. (Jim Barach)

      THE NEWS ACCORDING TO GARY HALLOCK 


      Michael Jackson's jacket worn in Thriller sold for $1.8 million dollars...

      They're auctioning Jackson's old clothes
      Although I will buy none of those
      If there's pocket space
      Let's look in that place
      To find his original nose

      The new gay marriage law in NY has set off a wave of engagements...

      Gay guys in New York now are getting
      The right to be wed in that setting
      But straight guys expect
      Those of opposite sects
      To serve as bride's maid at your wedding

      Sarah Palin cancelled her bus tour for jury duty...

      Some think she will run, and they trust
      Announcement will come soon, it must
      Unlike Michelle Bachmann
      Who has no land yacht, man
      Ms Palin's tour may just go bussed

      Kim Kardashian took an x-ray of her rear end to prove it is real...

      Kardashians, I do not follow
      Behind them nor do this I swallow
      Don't care if her trunk
      Is junk or just bunk
      I'm certain the rest is still hollow

      Lindsay Lohan blames fermented tea for her failed alcohol test...

      Her story, I think we can't buy
      When Lindsay says now she knows why
      "It's fermenting tea
      Inside me, you see
      That makes my tea total so high"

      JK Rowling is opening up a new website called „Pottermore‰...

      J.K. says there still more beyond
      Cuz readers are rabidly fond
      Of young wizard, Harry
      But fans should be wary
      Be careful, don't click on his wand

      Hollywood Tea Partiers are creating their own TV show...

      That Tea Party show on TV
      Should feature Ms Lohan, you see
      To play "Biggest looser"
      Cuz she's still a boozer
      We know it ain't fermented tea"

      Rumors persist Jersey Shore's Snooki & The Situation will be Replaced...

      On Jersey Shore I could not get
      The colors quite right, so you bet
      When Snooki is gone
      I'll be moving on
      And can stop adjusting my set

      A tiny camera revealed the inside of a 1,500 year old Mayan tomb...

      The camera lowered on string
      In tomb, may some video bring
      Don't inter in haste
      For that's such a waste
      And a Mayan's a terrible thing

      A Greek bishop has enlisted God to help cure the debt in Greece...

      The Euro Zone to God has turned
      To rescue Greece from being burned
      No cash is stashed
      In clay jars cached
      In ashes are what Grecians Urned

      Limerics by Gary Hallock gary@...

      THE CANDIDATES.


      Newt Gingrich says he does not support gay marriage. He says marriage is a sacred sacrament that should only be between a man and his first, second, and third wives. (Conan O'Brien)

      Newt Gingrich said today that "Marriage must be defined as the union between a man, a woman, and the man's staff member at the time." (Andy Borowitz)

      Newt Gingrich in a Saturday speech on the legalization of gay marriage "I think we are drifting toward a terrible muddle which I think is going to be very, very difficult and painful to work our way out of." Right, as opposed to straight marriage, where you can just very very easily dump your wife when she gets sick. (Janice Hough)

      Newt Gingrich is entering the hotdog-eating contest at Coney Island. He hopes to win because he needs the money to pay his Tiffany’s bill. (David Letterman

      Newt Gingrich said Republicans shouldn’t be afraid to go into black neighborhoods and tell them Obama failed them. To which every Republican replied "You first." (Bill Maher)

      Mitt Romney faced serious questions Friday about taxes he raised when he was governor of Massachusetts. He raised state fees on the blind, the mentally disabled and on gun owners. Doing that to gun owners could very well cost you the Republican nomination for president. (Argus Hamilton)

      Sarah Palin says she should be ready to make a decision on running for president by December 2012. (Jimmy Kimmel

      Sarah Palin is denying reports that her bus tour is canceled, and says it will resume 'when the time comes.' So there you go, everyone -- it's not canceled, she just stopped doing it and has no specific plans to start again. (Jimmy Fallon

      Yesterday Sarah Palin said that she read Bristol Palin's new book and she found it 'shocking.' When asked what was shocking, Palin said, "the fact I read a book." (Conan O'Brien)

      Sarah Palin said she did not quit her bus tour. She just had to go home early for jury duty. How can you be President if you're not even smart enough to get out of jury duty? (Jay Leno

      A Playboy poll said sixty percent of Americans would rather see Sarah Palin in a bikini than Pamela Anderson. The same sixty percent said they'd rather see Pamela Anderson as president. (Argus Hamilton)

      Sarah and Bristol Palin made an appearance at a book store. Apparently, it was 'Bring Your Daughter to a Place You Never Go Day'. (Conan O'Brien

      Sarah Palin tweeted that her daughter Bristol’s new memoir is quote "shocking, refreshing, honest, inspiring, and perfect." Of course, she said the same thing about the movie "Cars 2.”   (Jimmy Fallon)

      Michelle Bachmann has announced her candidacy for president.  She will run as an anti-intellectual.  And that Sarah Palin had better watch out. (Alan Ray)

      Michele Bachmann announced her presidency from Waterloo -- a name synonymous with victory. (Stephen Colbert)

      Michele Bachmann said her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa, is the birthplace of John Wayne, when it is actually the birthplace of serial killer John Wayne Gacy. She then said her favorite sitcom from the 80s is 'Charles Manson in Charge.' (Conan O'Brien)

      Chris Wallace at Fox News asked Michele Bachmann if she is a flake. I think that's an insult to the fine folks at Kellogg's. (David Letterman

      Michele Bachmann is kind of like Sarah Palin but without the charisma -- or marksmanship. You know, maybe we should stop telling kids that anyone can grow up to be president of the United States. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Rep. Michele Bachmann's former chief of staff has declined to work for the campaign and instead endorsed Tim Pawlenty. Bachmann wants to be the next President, she's more likely to be the next Gingrich. (Janice Hough)

      Presidential candidate Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) today visited historic Monticello, which she called “the home of Jeffrey Dahmer.” (Andy Borowitz)

      Michelle Bachmann has already mixed up Lexington, MA and Lexington, NH. Today she said, "John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit that I have, too." Except that the John Wayne from Waterloo was serial killer John Wayne Gacy, executed in 1994 for 33 murders. Think out of all those Gingrich staffers that quit Bachmann could find a good fact-checker? (Janice Hough)

      Michele Bachmann admitted she misspoke when claiming actor John Wayne was from Waterloo, IA when it was actually serial killer John Wayne Gacy. She was also wrong when she claimed John Quincy Adams' wife was named Morticia. Michele Bachmann thinks she entered the presidential race, but it's really just the Miss Iowa beauty pageant. (Jerry Perisho)

      Former Utah governor Jon Huntsman has joined the crowd of GOP presidential hopefuls. Only 2% of Republicans surveyed recognized his name. No surprise here. I thought "The Huntsman" was that pricy all-purpose tool that fishermen buy from the LL Bean catalog. (Bob Mills) 

      Speaking supporters in Phoenix, Rep. Bachmann said, "It's great to be here in Arizona, the home of my ass." After confused murmurs from the crowd, Rep. Bachmann quickly added, "Oh wait, did I say my ass? I meant the Grand Canyon." Being unable to tell her ass from a hole in the ground, especially a prominent one such as the Grand Canyon, is only one of many challenges facing Rep. Bachmann in her quest for the Presidency. (Andy Borowitz)

      Michigan Congressman Thad McCotter will declare his candidacy for President. The odds are running that after a week his congressional delegation will be saying "Welcome back, McCotter". (Jim Barach)

      THE NFL & THE NBA


      No NFL and no NBA this fall? We could be looking at a baby boomlet next spring and summer. And/or a possible increase in the divorce rate. (Janice Hough)

      With a Thursday deadline looming, no appreciable progress has been made in NBA labor negotiations last Friday, but it's no big deal, veteran watchers say. These NBA contests always come down to the last two minutes, anyway. (Dwight Perry)

      THE LOS ANGELES DODGERS


      The Los Angeles Dodgers have filed for bankruptcy protection. Poor finances have changed team operations. Instead of home and away jerseys, they will now do shirts and skins. (Alan Ray)

      While the Los Angeles Dodgers got approval Tuesday for $150 million bankruptcy financing arrangement, it turns out some team employees' paychecks have already bounced. And the way the Dodgers are going, anything bounced isn't likely to be caught. (Janice Hough)

      L. A. Dodgers owner Frank McCourt filed for bankruptcy Monday after fans began boycotting games until he sells the team. It doesn't look that bad on television. That's because thanks to Pixar's green-screen technology, they're able to put in a sellout crowd during post-production. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Los Angeles Dodgers filed for bankruptcy. Digging out of this mess will be hard for them, but not as hard as winning two games in a row (Craig Ferguson)

      Major League Baseball is still trying to take the L. A. Dodgers away from owner Frank McCourt. And if MLB doesn't get it, three goons from Flatbush are looking to take the team back to Brooklyn. (Jake Novak)

      Matt Kemp of the Dodgers is having an MVP season. Can you be the most valuable player on a team that has no value? (RJ Currie)

      The Los Angeles Dodgers are bleeding cash so badly that owner Frank McCourt filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection on Monday. Their new nickname, "Credit Dodgers". (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Los Angeles Dodgers have declared bankruptcy. In a show of support for the team, fans stayed all the way to the 7th inning at last night's game. (Jim Barach)

      The LA Dodgers filed for bankruptcy protection. The Dodgers are losing so much money that Cincinnati fans have offered them the moniker of "Big Red Machine". (Jerry Perisho)

      Police say 89 people were injured and 55 detained in postgame rioting after storied soccer team River Plate was relegated to Argentina's second division for the first time in the team's 110-year history. L.A. cops are taking notes, just in case Frank McCourt gets to keep the Dodgers. (Dwight Perry)

      ROD BLAGOJEVICH


      Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has been convicted on 17 corruption charges. Prison will help him fulfill a campaign promise. Finally, he’s going to get those roads cleaned up. (Alan Ray)

      Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has been convicted on 17 counts of corruption for attempting to sell Barack Obama's former Senate seat. When sentenced, he could face up to ten years in prison -- and his hair could end up at the Sy Sperling Correctional Center in East Rogaine, Illinois. (Bob Mills

      Rod Blagojevich was convicted of extortion, wire fraud, bribery, and criminal abuse of styling mousse. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Rod Blagojevich was found guilty of trying to sell President Obama's Senate seat. As the verdict was read, Blagojevich's face remained expressionless while his hair remained ridiculous. (Conan O'Brien)

      Some of the counts Blagojevich was convicted of carry 10- to 20-year sentences, so he could be facing up to 300 years in prison. That's a long time, even for a leprechaun. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Rod Blagojevich was charged with corruption and unlawful imprisonment of a badger. Have you seen his hair? (David Letterman

      Blagojevich said he was stunned by the verdict. Apparently, he wasn't paying attention during the trial. (David Letterman)

      Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich has been convicted on 17 charges resulting from his attempt to sell President Barack Obama's former U. S. Senate seat. He's going to appeal, but this could mean a lengthy prison sentence... with his hair bringing even more time for bad behavior. (Tim Hunter)

      Blagojevich could do 300 years — unless he's pardoned by Oprah. (David Letterman)

      Illinois ex-governor Rod Blagojevich was convicted Monday of bribery and extortion and shaking down a children's hospital. He looked dignified as he entered the courtroom. Illinois politicians always wear pinstripes so that when they go to jail they don't have to change clothes. (Argus Hamilton)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA


      The White House announced President Obama would start tweeting Tuesday. If it works as well for him as it worked for Anthony Weiner and Brett Favre, Joe Biden will become the next President of the United States, and soon. (Argus Hamilton)

      The White House let out thirty million barrels of oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve Thursday to try to drive down gas prices before the election. President Obama is trying everything he can to boost his approval ratings. If this doesn't work, he is going get another dog and another child. (Argus Hamilton)

      Pres. Obama says failure to raise taxes may result in cutting the National Weather Service. The only people less accurate in their predictions than the National Weather Service are political pollsters. (Jerry Perisho)

      President Obama was in New York today. There was an awkward moment in Times Square when he saw the Naked Cowboy and said, 'Please tell me you're not a Democratic Congressman.' (Jimmy Fallon

      Justin Bieber and President Obama both in New York tonight. Traffic gridlock with the most powerful man in the world and right down the street President Obama. (Jimmy Fallon

      In New York City today, no one was able to move as both President Obama and Justin Bieber visited. Obama was there to raise money for his presidential campaign; Bieber was launching his new fragrance. This would be a great setup for a Freaky Friday body switch. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      THE ADMINISTRATION


      The FDA stepped up pressure on tobacco makers Monday to warn smokers more graphically about the dangers of smoking. They ordered every pack of cigarettes to display gross and unwatchable pictures. They show Anthony Weiner smoking while he is exposing himself to you. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE CONGRESS


      Congress voted by an overwhelming margin Friday not to authorize the military mission in Libya, but the lawmakers refused to cut off funding for the mission. Congress approaches war the way Amish people go hunting. They sneak up behind a deer, then they build a barn around it. (Argus Hamilton)

      Well, we’ve finally found a way of curing many GOP members of Congress from always wanting to take military action in other countries. Have a Democratic president authorize the operation. (Janice Hough)

      The Senate canceled their vacation to work on the budget. Either they really can't agree or they're looking for an excuse to not go on vacation with their families. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      U. S. Congressman Barney Frank introduced a bill Thursday that removes marijuana from the federal list of controlled substances so that the states may regulate marijuana the way they do alcohol. This'll save lives. Even a Jackass isn't going to be killed driving nine miles an hour. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE COURTS


      The U. S. Supreme Court overturned a California law limiting the access of adult-rated video games to minors. Clarence Thomas didn't participate much -- he was too busy playing one of the exhibits, "Supreme Court Justice and the Underage Paralegal" from Wham-O-Matic. (Bob Mills

      The Supreme Court ruled that states cannot block the sales of ultraviolent video games to kids. Many kids learn their basic number facts by completing video game body counts. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Supreme Court ruled it's unconstitutional to ban the sale of violent video games to children. They allow kids to role-play in violent and sexual settings. In middle schools the teachers have to sleep with students just to compete with Grand Theft Auto for their attention. (Argus Hamilton)

      A Supreme Court ruling says that video games are art and fall under 1st Amendment protection. Because what says art more than stealing cars and shooting several hundred people while sitting at your video console? (Jim Barach)

      By a 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court asked Kagan, Ginsburg and Sotomayor to make them coffee. (Andy Borowitz)

      The U. S. Supreme Court ruled in favor of giant retailer Wal-Mart in a sex discrimination class action. The outcome was obvious from the start. All nine justices were wearing new lightweight outfits they had purchased at Wal-Mart's "Judicial Robes Summer Blowout Sale." (Bob Mills

      The Supreme Court ruled makers of generic drugs can't be sued for incorrect labeling. All they have to say is, "These pills will do something to your cholesterol or penis." (Conan O'Brien)

      A judge has thrown out a lawsuit saying that the Obama Administration's health care overhaul requires people to buy insurance which violates their religious freedom to rely on God to protect them. Otherwise known as people with pre-existing conditions. (Jim Barach)

      THE MILITARY


      Wonder of wonders, the Pentagon has somehow lost track of billions of dollars allocated to help rebuild Afghanistan. Kind of an obvious lesson here, don't you think? Never hire the same people you trained to blow things up to put them back together again. (Bob Mills)

      THE STATES


      New York Gov. Cuomo legalized gay marriage. I think it's great for everybody -- especially divorce lawyers. (David Letterman)

      Finally, New York state's gay and lesbian community are free from the burden that was having to set foot in Connecticut in order to get married. (Jon Stewart)

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