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Weakly Humerus News 06-25-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-25-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Donald Trump is comparing his resistance to same-sex marriage to his refusal to
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 25, 2011

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-25-11 


      Donald Trump is comparing his resistance to same-sex marriage to his refusal to use a new kind of putter. I think gay people and straight people use the same putters. It’s really a matter of hole selection. (Jon Stewart)

      Dateline Los Angeles: Dodgers vow to meet this month's payroll -- just as soon as the $10 million check from the Nigerian oil minister's widow clears. (Dwight Perry)

      The Wall Street Journal is reporting that a Chinese billionaire investor named Wang Gongquan announced to the world that he is leaving his wife to elope with his mistress, and he did it on a Chinese blogging site like Twitter. Men are the same all over the world, aren't they? We have Weiner, they have Wang. It's the same thing. No matter where you go. (Jay Leno)

      New Rule: Stop comparing Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann just because they're both Republican women. And crazy. And know-nothings. And Jesus freaks, who claim to receive messages from God. Who both get their historical facts wrong all the time. Who both give off a sound that only animals can hear and makes microwaves explode. Seriously, stop comparing them. (Bill Maher)

      Lady Gaga wants to help boost Japan's tourism industry which is hurting since the recent disasters. Apparently she is going to start wearing a dress made of sushi. (Jim Barach)

      The website BetUs.com has released odds on how many University of Florida athletes will get arrested in 2011. What's the Gator's motto anyway? Tote that barge; post that bail? (RJ Currie)

      According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won't get there for a long time. (Jay Leno)

      Astronaut Buzz Aldrin is getting divorced. Apparently, he just needed some space. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The feds have mandated fewer calories and less fat in kids' cereals. Already, Kellogg's has 'Saccerin-Frosted Rainbow Rye-Krisp,' while Post debuted 'Star Trek Strawberries and Sawdust' introduced by their new cartoon spokesman, 'Cap'n Bland.' (Bob Mills)

      Portland staged the World Naked Bike Ride last weekend, allowing thousands of bicyclists to peddle naked through the scenic Oregon city in broad daylight. It made all the cable news networks. Anthony Weiner isn't out of office a week and already he's the grand marshal of a parade. (Argus Hamilton)


      Newt [Gingrich] announced he was running for president. His top advisers quit, and then his campaign fundraisers all quit. Newt was thinking, "I don't need this, I'll just put it all on my Tiffany's credit card." (David Letterman)

      Newt Gingrich has a new campaign slogan: "Now hiring!" Sixteen of Gingrich's top staff quit last week, and today, two of his top fundraisers quit. He's not even president and he's already raising the unemployment rate. (Jay Leno)

      It has now been revealed that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany's for up to a million dollars. That sounds like a lot until you remember that Congress has a line of credit with China for up to $14.3 trillion. (Jay Leno)

      Newt Gingrich bragged on his 3rd wife, saying, 'She plays the French horn.' Then things got awkward when he added, "If you know what I mean." (Conan O'Brien)

      Newt Gingrich's two campaign fundraisers quit his campaign Tuesday just ten days after his state campaign managers quit. The staffers complained that Newt's campaign is in debt a million dollars after just one month. His two biggest expenses were travel and severance pay. (Argus Hamilton)

      More bad news for Newt Gingrich. One week after his campaign staff quit, his campaign finance team quit. In fact, newt was going to pull out of the race, but today the guy who writes his concession speeches quit. He can't do anything. (Jay Leno)

      A little information for the folks watching at home: Our entire studio audience tonight is all people who used to work for Newt Gingrich. (Jay Leno)


      Sarah Palin has abruptly ended her bus tour of the United States. The idea was to drive around the country giving speeches in front of historical landmarks. Reportedly, she's back in Alaska at home, which is weird because it's not like her to quit something. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Today Sarah Palin canceled her bus tour, reportedly canceling dates in Iowa, South Carolina, and New Hampshire. When asked why, Palin answered: "It turns out those places are nowhere near each other." (Conan O'Brien)

      Sarah Palin has canceled the rest of her bus trip around America. She had to quit before she got to Mount Rushmore and somebody asked her to name the Presidents. (Jay Leno)

      Sarah Palin is denying reports that her bus tour is canceled, and says it will resume "when the time comes." So there you go, everyone — it's not canceled, she just stopped doing it and has no specific plans to start again. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Sarah Palin says she stopped her bus tour so she could complete jury duty. She'll be part of a "jury of their peers", as long as all defendants are former governors who resigned mid-term. (Jerry Perisho)

      Speaking of Sarah Palin, this week, Palin tweeted that her daughter Bristol's new memoir is quote "shocking, refreshing, honest, inspiring, and perfect." Of course, she said the same thing about the movie "Cars 2." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Yesterday Sarah Palin said that she read Bristol Palin's new book and she found it "shocking." When asked what was shocking, Palin said "the fact I read a book." (Conan O'Brien)

      You all know Bristol Palin has a book. She reveals that she lost her virginity on a camping trip. Bristol said she named her son "Tripp" because "camping" seemed like a dumb name. (Conan O'Brien)

      Bristol Palin released her much-anticipated memoir called "Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far." Bristol said that Levi Johnston cheated on her but then made it up to her by buying designer rain boots. Things are different up there, I guess. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Bristol Palin's new book says she lost her virginity on a night when she had too many wine coolers. It's in the chapter, 'Things I Have in Common with Conan O'Brien'. (Conan O'Brien)


      Mitt Romney is now being attacked by other GOP candidates for not signing a pledge to make abortion an absolute litmus test for judges. Anyone else getting the idea that if Attilla the Hun was running for the Republican presidential nomination he’d be attacked for being too moderate? (Janice Hough

      I'll tell you who's in a lot of trouble: Mitt Romney. He's supposedly the Republican presidential contender front-runner. Here's what happened: He created a successful healthcare plan in Massachusetts. Are you kidding me? Come on! What a dope. (David Letterman)

      A spokesman for Texas Gov. Rick Perry says there's a 50/50 chance he'll run for president. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin says there's an 80/50 chance she'll run for president. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Governor of Texas says if he runs for President he'll fight accusations he's gay. He'll give any guy who accuses him a good hard pinch in the butt. (Conan O'Brien)

      Tim Pawlenty's staff says he "screwed up" at the recent GOP presidential candidate's debate. People who watched the event were shocked. Pawlenty was at the debate? (Jim Barach)

      Utah's former governor Jon Huntsman announced Tuesday he's running for the GOP nomination for president. No man ever looked more presidential. To open the announcement ceremonies he thanked his wife, he thanked his children and then he thanked his maker, Mattel. (Argus Hamilton)

      Republican John Huntsman joined the presidential race Tuesday. Huntsman's platform consists of, uh, well; I am waiting for everyone to stop yawning. And you thought the candidates couldn't get any duller. John Huntsman is Tim Pawlenty without the flash. (Jerry Perisho)

      Utah's former governor Jon Huntsman announced he is running for president Tuesday and made plans to enter the GOP primaries. He's widely praised in the media for his moderate views. He only needs to raise enough money to be routed in Iowa and quit after South Carolina. (Argus Hamilton)

      Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn't even fluent in English. (David Letterman)

      Jon Huntsman is so little known, when he announced for the Presidency he had his name written on his hand. (Jay Leno)

      Most Americans know Jon Huntsman as "the candidate most Americans don't know." Gov. Huntsman's announcement puts him somewhere between Ron Paul and Count Chocula as the favorite to win the GOP nomination. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on "Tweeter." After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, "What an idiot! It's 'The Tweeter.'" (Conan O'Brien)

      By a wide margin, the poll showed that the biggest winners of the GOP debate were the people who didn't watch. (Andy Borowitz)

      Texas Gov. Rick Perry, offered this statement: "At this time, I can't decide whether to run for President of the US or secede from the US and become President of Texas." (Andy Borowitz)

      Rep. Bachmann received high marks in the poll from voters who said they found former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin "too cerebral." (Andy Borowitz)

      Following the GOP presidential debate earlier this week, the latest polls show that 45% of Republicans don't like their candidates, 45% are happy with the slate to choose from, and 10% don't understand what a "poll" is. (Author Unknown)


      Congressman Anthony Weiner caved in to pressure from fellow Democrats Thursday and stepped down. He just hears what he wants to hear. The latest Gallup Poll said sixty percent of Americans wanted Weiner out, and he's been walking around with his pants unzipped ever since. (Argus Hamilton)

      Congressman Weiner resigned from Congress at a senior citizens' center in Queens. It was smart, because they had no idea what Twitter is. (Jay Leno)

      I still don't think Weiner gets it. Did you hear what he said at the end of his press conference? "Anybody want one last look?" (Jay Leno)

      New York Gov. Andy Cuomo will hold a special election on Sept. 13 to replace Anthony Weiner. Cuomo said, "anyone interested in the job should e-mail me at... actually, you'd just better call." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Anthony Weiner will receive an annual pension of $46,224. That's a lot of megapixels and high-speed Internet. (Jerry Perisho)

      For those of you worried about the future of Anthony Weiner now that he's been congressionally defrocked, according to reliable sources, he'll announce before the end of the month that he's been hired as the new national spokesman for Oscar Meyer. (Bob Mills)


      Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to Obama and as soon as the president holds the baby in his arms it stops crying? Do you know how rare that is these days that a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it's not his? (Jay Leno)

      That's pretty amazing. The baby stopped crying as soon as the president held it. Obama should try that with John Boehner. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama saw polls Friday that show him trailing in the presidential race behind a generic Republican. That's a Republican with no particular name, with no known beliefs, from no identifiable area. A police sketch artist couldn't draw a better likeness of Mitt Romney. (Argus Hamilton)

      Today President Obama has released 30 million barrels of oil from the strategic petroleum reserve. He said it was in response to what he called a real emergency: his poll numbers. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, "It's a trap, don't do it!" But President Obama's tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner's. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it's the unemployment numbers. (Jay Leno)

      After Afghanistan, President Obama is still hoping to make a clean withdrawal from other costly and deadly areas, but enough about the government's investment in GM. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Yesterday President Obama urged more foreign countries to start investing in the U. S. economy. The president of Mexico was like, "The people of Mexico are with you. Literally, they're already there with you." (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama's handicap is Joe Biden. (Jay Leno)

      On Father's Day weekend, Barack Obama and Joe Biden played a round of golf with John Boehner and John Kasich. Between them, the foursome hit three birdies and an eagle -- and in their new spirit of friendship, Obama ordered the White House chef to cook them for lunch. (Bob Mills)

      President Obama held a golf summit, playing eighteen holes with John Boehner, Joe Biden and GOP Ohio governor John Kasich to negotiate the budget cuts. They got right to work. The foursome teed off at twelve noon and they were fourteen trillion over par after three holes. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama and John Boehner played golf against Joe Biden on Saturday and they won $2. Just 7 trillion more rounds like this and we'll pay off that deficit in no time. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The team of Obama and Boehner beat the team of Vice President Joe Biden and Ohio Gov. John Kasich. When they tallied up the score, they were 14 trillion over par. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama and Speaker Boehner played golf last weekend. Obama avoided an out-of-bounds penalty tee when an errant tee shot bounced off of Oprah, who was hiding in the woods. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Did you see the picture of House Speaker Boehner and President Obama after their golf game? Boehner was crying over his score and Obama was giving a list of reasons why his score was better than it looks. (Jay Leno)


      White House economist Austan Goolsbee resigned last week, admitting he couldn't end this recession. Spending hasn't worked, bailing out the big banks hasn't worked, and propping up Detroit hasn't worked. And no one liked his idea of leaving Pearl Harbor unguarded this winter. (Argus Hamilton)


      The White House lobbied Members of Congress Friday in an effort to get enough votes to pass a budget compromise. Democrats can't afford to lose another vote on the House floor. Anthony Weiner just gave up his seat and it won't be filled until it's been thoroughly disinfected. (Argus Hamilton)

      Congressmen Ron Paul and Barney Frank are going to introduce a bill to legalize marijuana. Political experts are wondering how many bong hits it took to get Paul and Frank to agree on something. (Jim Barach)

      Well, several congressmen have filed a lawsuit against President Obama for getting us involved in Libya. They claim Obama got the U. S. in a Middle East war without authorization from Congress. To which Dick Cheney and Bush said, "You can get sued for that?" (Jay Leno)

      Hackers broke into computers in the U. S. Senate. Capitol Hill authorities say they didn't find anything. They only looked in the file marked 'Accomplishments'. (Alan Ray)


      The Supreme Court has ruled that the makers of generic drugs cannot be sued for inadequate labeling on their products. In fact now all they have to say is "This will do something to your cholesterol level and/or penis." I'm like, either way, YEAH! (Conan O'Brien)

      A court says Los Angeles can't require the use of condoms in porn films. Apparently they also can't order anyone to act or to have a believable plot. (Jim Barach)


      The Pentagon says it has spent more than $1 Trillion on the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and in protecting the U. S. Although in their defense, take away the money going straight to Halliburton and the cash that has just disappeared, it's more like $83. (Jim Barach)

      President Obama began a pullout from Afghanistan Thursday. We put in a corrupt regime and propped up the heroin trade, only to find out bin Laden was in Pakistan. History would have been so much kinder to us if just once in the last ten years we'd invaded the right country. (Argus Hamilton)


      Governor Rick Perry proposed a bill banning intrusive groping by TSA agents, prompting the Justice Department to threaten to cancel all flights to Texas. This would force travelers to fly to Mexico and then walk across the border to Texas. The federal government can't stop that. (Argus Hamilton)

      California's state legislators will continue not being paid until they pass a budget. This could be a problem because withholding pay from workers is illegal, but no California politician do any work anyway. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The California State Controller is withholding pay from state lawmakers because they haven't approved a balanced budget. Political experts were shocked. California Legislators get paid for running the state the way they do? (Jim Barach)

      Legislators in New York abruptly adjourned for the night late Thursday without voting on same-sex marriage, mostly because they didn't want to miss the hot lesbian scenes on Mulholland Drive. (Alex Kaseberg)

      New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is worse than Anthony Weiner because Christie is fat which explains why Christie accidentally Tweets himself pictures of donuts 16 times a day. (Bill Maher)

      Georgia farmers protested the state's new anti-illegal alien law Monday, saying it's costing them millions as crops go unpicked and land goes unplowed. It's very explainable. The state lawmakers all went to school up north and they think the iPhone has an app for picking cotton. (Argus Hamilton)


      New York City is very close to legalizing same-sex marriage. But until it becomes official, the only place in New York City where gay couples can actually marry is backstage at the Tony Awards. (David Letterman)

      President Obama will be in New York tomorrow night for a fundraiser at the Broadway musical "Sister Act." Meanwhile, Sarah Palin will be in town to do some hunting at "The Lion King." (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama was in New York today. There was one embarrassing moment, when he saw the Naked Cowboy and was like, "Please tell me you're not a Democratic Congressman." (Jimmy Fallon)

      There's a light bulb in Livermore, Calif., at a fire station that's been burning constantly day and night, for 110 years. Isn't that crazy? First turned on in 1901 — coincidentally I think that's when Barbara Walters was first turned on. (David Letterman)

      Former Pizza Hut executive Mike Rawlings was just elected as the next mayor of Dallas. I don't know why he went with such a large city. He could've gotten a much better deal with two medium cities. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Because of the president's visit, there was major gridlock traffic. It was really bad — instead of showing clips from NBC, the TV in my cab played the entire "Lord of the Rings" trilogy. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A barber in Trenton, New Jersey is facing assault and battery charges for biting off the ear of a customer who complained that his haircut was taking too long. Not the first time police have been called to "Van Gogh's Supercuts." (Bob Mills)

      A 90 year old Florida woman married a man she met on match.com. The amazing part is that she thought she was buying a comforter on eBay. (Jim Barach)


      On "Good Morning America, " John McCain said the Arizona wildfires were started by illegal aliens who were sending 'signals' to each other. And John McCain is fluent in smoke signals because he learned them personally from Geronimo. (Frank King)

      Senator John McCain is in a bit of hot water after he made an unsubstantiated claim that illegal immigrants caused the Arizona wildfires. He kind of backtracked today. Now he's saying it was just the Metamucil talking. (Jay Leno)

      John McCain says he is puzzled by the backlash to his comment that illegal immigrants are the cause of Arizona's wildfires. He said, "Of course, I'm also puzzled by the defrost option on my microwave." (Conan O'Brien)

      In a way, John McCain is responsible for those fires in Arizona. I mean, if Sarah Palin hadn't shot Smokey the Bear from a helicopter. (Frank King)

      John Edwards posed for police mug shots Thursday that show him smiling dreamily into the camera after being indicted for a scam covering up campaign funds. He never had a lick of sense. It's awfully reckless to take a cute picture when you're about to go into federal prison. (Argus Hamilton)

      Reggie Brown, a Barack Obama impersonator, had his microphone cut off at the Republican Leadership Conference where he had been hired to entertain. They cheered when he referred to Obama's birthplace, "Hawaii -- or as the Tea Party calls it -- Kenya." The microphone cut off, though, when he predicted that if Mitt Romney were elected, he'd have "a First Lady... Second lady... Third Lady..." Brown's agent suspects one of Newt Gingrich's wives. (Bob Mills)

      The GOP Leadership Conference apologized for a comedian who impersonated Obama at its gala. He did a deadly impersonation of Obama mocking the GOP candidates. It was so good that Democrats want him to give President Obama's acceptance speech at the 2012 convention. (Argus Hamilton)


      44% of Americans say they are worse off than they were when President Obama took office in 2009, but the White House says it won't be satisfied until 100% of us feel that way. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The AARP is now supporting President Obama's plans to cut Social Security. It's the most shocking thing the group has done since it gave Dr. Kevorkian a lifetime achievement award. (Jake Novak)

      Ever more socially progressive, AARP is backing the Obama administration's plan to cut Social Security benefits to future recipients. It's also calling for the dissolution of the WPA and the Tennessee Valley Authority. (Bob Mills)

      30% of all existing home sales are being paid for with cash. People who still have enough money to buy a home are the ones who didn't have a mortgage in 2007. (Jim Barach)

      Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke says the economic recovery is slowing and the outlook for next year is worse. To which most people are saying "Is that possible?" (Jim Barach)


      I just read that more companies are bringing back jobs to the U. S. that have been outsourced to other countries for years. So the next time you call tech support, you might actually get someone who speaks perfect English -- and knows nothing about computers. (Jimmy Fallon)

      According to a survey conducted by the Wall Street Journal, corporate executives use the company jet for recreation about 30% of the time. Most popular non-business use: initiation into the Mile High Club. (Bob Mills)

      The Wall Street Journal says that one third of all corporate jet flights are to resort areas where executives own homes. The other two thirds are to drop off cash donations to Congressmen and lobbyists. (Jim Barach)

      The AMA is asking the ad industry to stop using photoshopped models to make them look even thinner. Doctors say if they want to make someone look thinner, they should do it the old fashioned way with a medical procedure like liposuction or lap band surgery. (Jim Barach)

      Avis and Budget Rent-a-Car are putting the finishing touches on a merger. Look for the firm to adopt a new name, providing they can convince Bevis and Butthead to sell the rights. (Bob Mills)

      Comcast is planning on reducing the amount of time customers wait for service after they were voted the worst company in America. How bad is cable service when they can't even beat Countrywide Mortgage and Goldman Sachs? (Jim Barach)

      Bookstore company Borders announced that it expects to find a buyer by the end of July. Not a buyer for the company, but just anyone willing to pay them for a book. (Conan O'Brien)

      Krispy Kreme is adding healthier items to its menu, like oatmeal and yogurt. Or, as th

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