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Weakly Humerus News - Anthony Weiner Issue - 06-11-11

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  • Stan
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-11-11 ANTHONY WEINER ISSUE AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Comedy people sit around for years hoping for a scandal
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 10, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-11-11 

      ANTHONY WEINER ISSUE

      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Comedy people sit around for years hoping for a scandal called "Weinergate." And then it happens. (Conan O'Brien)

      Is that a Tweet from Congressman Weiner or are you just happy to see me? (Tim Hunter)

      At a press conference this afternoon, Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted that he tweeted out that photo of his crotch. During the press conference, Congressman Weiner was choked up and got a lump in this throat – not as big as the lump in his underwear, but still, very emotional! (Jimmy Fallon)

      With all this new media, is that considered junk e-mail? Or is it e-mail of your junk? There are so many terms! (Jay Leno)

      It turns out even if he doesn't resign, Anthony Weiner's congressional district may be eliminated in next year's redistricting. Could be the most appropriate Weiner cut since Lorena Bobbitt. (Janice Hough)

      Nothing like an accidental Tweeting to put the old Sheen on the Weiner! (Tim Hunter)

      Speaking of Weiners, I'm sure Anthony's getting no sympathy from John Boehner about the pronunciation of his name. (Gary Morton)

      I wonder how much longer until Comedy Central tries to put on a Weiner roast? (Tim Hunter)

      As it turns out, Rep. Weiner's hacked penis photo was from a botched Bris. (Jerry Perisho)

      "What? The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what? Copyright infringement?" (Jon Stewart)

      My guess is that Weiner's friends have dropped the phrase, "How's it hangin'?" from their vocabulary completely. (Tim Hunter)

      Rep. Anthony Weiner's wife is reportedly pregnant. I can't wait to see all the conception photos. (Jerry Perisho)

      Spirit Airlines has "See our Weiner" ads featuring a picture of a hot dog and airline fares for as low as $9. It's caught all of their competitors with their pants down. (Alex Kaseberg)

      I have to ask this: What kind of world are we living in when porn stars make Weiners go down? It's a reverse world! (Craig Ferguson)

      It could turn out this Weiner guy is the most aptly named politician since Indianapolis mayor, Harry Baals. (Alex Kaseberg)

      When you think of hacked penis photos, isn't the first name that comes to mind John Wayne Bobbitt? (Jerry Perisho)

      If you're Anthony Weiner, you should never co-sponsor meat-industry regulation bills with Barney Frank. (Chris White)

      Fifty-one percent of New York voters think Weiner should keep his seat. The other 49 percent think he should disinfect it. (Conan O'Brien)

      Anthony Weiner wants to be mayor of New York City. So we may go from a guy that looks like a jockey to a guy that likes how he looks in Jockeys. (David Letterman)

      I don't know if laws were broken or not, but Weiner was sending around pictures of him in his underpants and I thought, Well, now, wait a minute, what is the big deal? Don't men and women in Congress get to mail their packages for free?! (David Letterman)

      Congressman Wiener's wiener leaked onto the Internet today. I had to look at the picture in the interest of research and I've learned one thing: I think his middle name might be 'Pencil'. (Craig Ferguson)

      Anthony Weiner's wife is flying to Africa with her boss, Hillary Clinton. The last thing you want is a scorned wife spending time being consoled on how to deal with a cheating husband by Hillary Clinton. (Jim Barach)

      Anthony Weiner texted a Texas woman a bare-chested photo of himself, which he took at his desk in his congressional office on Capitol Hill. Behind him is a photo of Bill Clinton, who kept a photo in his office of himself shaking hands with Jack Kennedy, who kept picture in his Oval Office of himself fishing with Errol Flynn. The last refuge of a scoundrel is that it's genetic. (Argus Hamilton)

      This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he's in, knock on the door. Now they send it right to your house. (Jay Leno)

      Is it just updating the old phrase "he may be a SOB, but he is our SOB" to "he may be a dick but he is our dick"? But seriously I would expect his constituents to know more about him and his policies above the fact that he has a dick. (Monkey Boy on TPM)

      A second woman has come forward now. She says she has over 200 explicit sex messages from the married congressman. She says they're very short messages. Like cocktail wieners. (Jay Leno)

      THE DECEPTION

      Anthony Weiner pledges to get to the bottom of this. He's asked for an investigation, the police are involved, he's got a dick lawyer he's hired. They know it is a Democrat's penis because it won't stand up. And also because it was sent to a woman. (Bill Maher)

      If this is a prank, I guess we're lucky they pulled it on Anthony Weiner, and not Colin Powell. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      He isn't flat-out denying the picture isn't him. He told Wolf Blitzer it doesn't look familiar. That's something you're familiar with. I'm so familiar with mine that if I described it to a police sketch artist, it would be arrested within minutes. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Rep. Anthony Weiner says the photo on his Twitter account was 'hacked'. I didn't think anyone in Congress had the balls to send a photo. (Jerry Perisho)

      The question is – why can't Congressman Anthony Weiner say with certitude if the crotch in question is his or not? Because he's got so many crotch shots lying around, maybe one got away? Maybe been taking a picture of his crotch every hour for a month, to create one of those cool YouTube time lapse videos? (NPR's 'Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me!")

      Rep. Anthony Weiner says the photo of a man's underwear that appeared on his Twitter account was the result of being hacked. The last thing a man wants to hear in reference to a penis photo is the word "hacked". (Jerry Perisho)

      Congressman Weiner said the photo leak was a prank, he's a victim, the picture could be taken out of context? In what possible context would you take this picture? Maybe he meant to send it to his Doctor, with the message, "Okay, it's been four hours, time to get you involved." (NPR's 'Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!')

      Why does anyone run for Congress. It's to serve the little guy. (Pat Bagley cartoon of A. W. wearing only shorts pointing to inside his shorts)

      Cong. Anthony Weiner says he can't say for certain whether the obscene photo sent out from his Twitter account is a picture of him. He says it all depends on who's looking at the picture and whether or not she's turned on.  (Jake Novak)

      Is this you? You would know if this was your underpants..Have you ever taken a picture like this of yourself? (Wolf Blitzer brandishing photo)

      I think any normal person could say with certainty whether a picture was a photo of them or not, whether they had taken a photo of them or not. (Nancy Cordes)

      THE CONFESSION


      Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you're going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      New York Rep. Anthony Weiner said he cannot say with certitude the picture of a male crotch sent to a college girl on twitter was not him. Let's recount the steps of stupidity of this aptly named Weiner dude. First, he wore tightie whities, second, he took a picture of himself in the tightie whities. Next, he thought he was sending the picture to a single college girl – and he's married - on twitter, but instead he posted it to all of his 40,000 followers. Finally, he angrily told the press a hacker did it, now he is not denying the picture is of him. (Alex Kaseberg)

       "Alright, I admit I did send lewd photos of myself to severaL women, but trust me, it's no big thing" (Bob Gorrell cartoon of A. W.)

      U. S. Rep Anthony Weiner confessed texting lewd photos to women he met on Facebook. He also admitted to having phone sex with them without ever even meeting them in person. It's just more evidence that the start-up of Facebook was financed by divorce lawyers. (Argus Hamilton)

      NY Rep. Anthony Weiner has come out and admitted he took and sent the pictures of his junk to a woman. Let's all give thanks Rep. Barney did not take a picture of his Frank. (Alex Kaseberg)

      U. S. Rep Anthony Weiner admitted Monday that the lewd photograph tweeted to his followers was of him and he admitted having six sexual relationships online. Everybody loves new technology. Five minutes after Morse Code was invented, politicians were having telegraph sex. (Argus Hamilton)

      Rep. Anthony Weiner finally admitted that it was he who texted photos of his bulging underpants to women. He then added, "But don't forget, I am able to give you the factual details about Paul Revere's ride." He still hasn't confessed how many socks he'd stuffed in there. (Jerry Perisho)

      Congressman Anthony Weiner allegedly tweeted a below-the-waist photo of an aroused man in his underwear to his followers and couldn't deny it was a photo of himself. Of course it was him. For decency's sake, Democrats need to keep their pants on and their cellphone cameras off whenever they're alone in their office looking at a spending bill. (Argus Hamilton)

      New York Congressman Anthony Weiner has apologized for sending lewd pictures of himself on Twitter. Apparently his defense is that he just couldn't describe his privates in 140 characters or less. (Jim Barach)

      Anthony Weiner apologized repeatedly to his wife Huma in Monday's press conference for his lewd behavior online with six women. They were married two years ago in a wedding officiated by Bill Clinton, who administered the vows. There are fewer loopholes in GE's tax return. (Argus Hamilton)

      Congressman Wiener's wiener leaked onto the Internet today. I had to look at the picture in the interest of research and I've learned one thing: I think his middle name might be 'Pencil'. (Craig Ferguson)

      Nancy Pelosi called Monday for a House probe of Anthony Weiner for his sex-texting and lewd photo-sharing. She wants to know if he did it on government computers, and if he did was there a plastic cover over the computer at the time, or should she be worried about a virus. (Argus Hamilton)

      The women who Weiner communicated with were a college student, a single mom, a blackjack dealer, and a porn star. Or, as we call that here in Los Angeles, the circle of life. (Conan O'Brien)

      Congressman Weiner has admitted that he did carry on explicit online relationships with six different women. Well, he thought they were women. Turns out three were woman, one was a guy pretending to be a woman, and the other two were congressmen. (Jay Leno)

      It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, "I don't know." (Conan O'Brien)

      Anthony Weiner confessed texting lewd photos and having phone sex with women he knew only on Facebook. His website lists him as author of the law which set up the National Sex Offender Registry. People thought it was an odd place to buy a wedding gift, but every couple is different. (Argus Hamilton)

      Just when you think it can't get better, it turns out one of the women Rep. Anthony Weiner was contacting is a porn star. What's the difference between a politician and a porn star? One is a horny sleazebag who screws people for money, the other is a porn star. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Good thing he is not denying he took the picture, that would have to be some hacker who was able to sneak in and take a picture of Weiner's, well, you know. (Alex Kaseberg)

      With all the turmoil in his life, Rep. Anthony Weiner has locked himself away out of the public eye. Really, Congressman Weiner shouldn't be so hard on himself. (Jerry Perisho)

      Anthony Weiner apparently called Bill Clinton to talk about his "situation." No word on the conversation, although one rumored comment was "Dude, come on. At least a dress can be dry-cleaned." (Janice Hough)

      Congressman Wiener's wiener leaked onto the Internet today. I had to look at the picture in the interest of research and I've learned one thing: I think his middle name might be 'Pencil'. (Craig Ferguson)

      Congressman Wiener phoned Bill Clinton to apologize. I'm like, 'What for?' Maybe he's apologizing for not telling him about all the sexy things you can do on the Internet. (Craig Ferguson)

      Congressman Weiner reportedly called Bill Clinton to apologize for his behavior. After Bill suggested that Weiner also call Hillary, Weiner said, "Don't worry, I sent her a text.'" (Conan O'Brien)

      Weiner is now desperately trying to make things better with his wife. You can tell he's sorry. Like today he sent her a picture of his penis with a little sad face on it. (Jay Leno)

      More pictures of junk tweeted around Tuesday night. Not Anthony Weiner again, thank gawd. Just videos of LeBron James's play in Game 4. (Janice Hough)

      Weiner admitted to sending underpants photos of himself. It's a huge political scandal. Arnold Schwarzenegger even called Weiner to say, "Thank you." (Craig Ferguson)

      But really, could Anthony Weiner have made his choices any worse lately? Other than proclaiming his innocence last week in a one-hour ESPN special? (Janice Hough)

      CNN is reporting that Anthony Weiner's colleagues are telling him he should resign "to preserve his own dignity." To mix metaphors, I believe this might be a case of locking the barn door after the weiner is out. (Janice Hough)

      As Anthony Weiner digs himself deeper with every statement, one politician has found a silver lining in this mess. Because the Democrat who most fellow party members wish would just SHUT UP is no longer Joe Biden. (Janice Hough)

      But really, is Weiner ever going to shut up and stop digging himself deeper into a whole? Even Brett Favre is saying, "Dude, give it up already." (Janice Hough)

      Anthony Weiner mistakenly sent his crotch shots to all of his twitter followers instead of the one woman he meant to. That is embarrassing, once I sent the message "You make me so hot" to all my twitter followers instead of just Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsberg. (Alex Kaseberg)

      THE AFTERMATH


      It was so nice in New York City that the whole staff was in Central Park writing Anthony Weiner jokes. (David Letterman)

      Congressman Anthony Weiner is under pressure to resign. If he tweets back to back photos, what company does he form? Johnson and Johnson. (Alan Ray

      Congressman Anthony Weiner was urged to resign by Democrats Wednesday after the nude photos he tweeted of himself surfaced on the Internet. It created a morality backlash in the nation's capital. Focus on the Family just told the Washington Monument to put some pants on. (Argus Hamilton)

      Anthony Weiner said Tuesday he will allow the voters in his district to decide if he should remain in Congress. He's receiving a mixed message. In the latest poll in New York City, forty percent of the voters want Anthony Weiner to resign while sixty percent want him to stick it out. (Argus Hamilton)

      New York City voters were polled in Anthony Weiner's Brooklyn congressional district on Tuesday and a solid majority thought he should stay in Congress. They must like really him. The voters sing his praises for his ability to bring home the bacon, and these are Orthodox Jews. (Argus Hamilton)

      Despite finally admitting to lying about sending lewd pictures to strange women, Anthony Weineris refusing to resign. He'd actually just like to stay at his desk at work since that's where he'll be sleeping from now on anyway. (Jake Novak)

      Sending a young woman a lewd photo is not an impeachable offense, but it is monumentally bad judgment. Saying you’re not sure if that’s you in the gray underwear is unimpeachably stupid. Yes, the media are enjoying weinergate a little too much. But the congressman has no one to blame but himself. (Howard Kurtz)

      Rep. Weiner uses the term 'distraction' to describe the scandal. 'Distraction' is a cell phone going off in a meeting, (Jon Stewart) 

      Chris Matthews is just peeing his pants, on a daily basis, over Weiner. The Outrage you never saw him exhibit over Iraq, is quite present and accounted-for over Anthony's dick. When the numbers came out which indicated this isn't affecting Weiner's constituents at all, I was honestly afraid that Matthews was going to take an AK-47, and start wiping-out the citrizens of Queens... that guy is pissed at them! My God, were these people not listening to what he said?!? How dare these little nobodys not genuflect to his authoritay? (B. Chanpaign on TPM)

      This Weiner guy is the most aptly named politician since Frank Schmuck ran for sheriff in Arizona. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A report says that Anthony Weiner coached a woman on how to lie. If you are going to learn to stretch the truth, who better to learn from than a Congressman? (Jim Barach)

      Anthony Weiner's wife Huma Abedin came to her husband's defense Friday. She works as Hillary Clinton's assistant in the State Department after starting out as an intern in the Clinton White House fifteen years ago. She cut her teeth in Washington politics fending off Weiner Jokes. (Argus Hamilton)

      Anthony Weiner's wife Huma Abedin is reportedly pregnant. It's a good thing Weiner was able to get her pregnant while he still has everything intact. (Jim Barach)

      Huma Weiner is pregnant. Given her husband's love for Facebook romance, it would only be fitting if the father was Mark Zuckerberg. (Jake Novak)

      Now it turns out that Anthony Weiner's wife is pregnant. If it's a girl will they name her Minnie Cocktail Weiner? (Janice Hough)

      A new poll shows 56% in Anthony Weiner's district don't want him to resign. The other 44% just want him to switch to boxers. (Jake Novak)

      Anthony Weiner's wife Huma Abedin is reportedly pregnant. Ironically, the couple made the announcement over Twitter. (Jim Barach)

      Now Congressman Weiner is saying that he was just warning that college student about the dangers of European cucumbers. Uh, yeah¡ (Tim Hunter)

      Embattled Congressman Anthony Weiner ducked out of the Celebrate Israel Parade in New York yesterday. Instead, he Tweeted pictures to all his Jewish voters proving he was circumcised. (Jake Novak)

      Sarah Palin used a stop on her bus tour to blast Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY): "In Paul Revere's day, he had to ride from door to door to show people his penis." (Andy Borowitz)

      How could it possibly get any sticker for Congressman Weiner? How about finding out his wife is now pregnant? Can a tweet of ultra-sound pictures be far behind? (Tim Hunter)

      As far as politics, however, what can Anthony Weiner possibly do next? Except say "partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate." And then run for President. (Janice Hough)

      Talks at the OPEC meeting fell apart this week with no agreements being reached. Their meeting collapsed faster than Anthony Weiner's New York City mayoral plans. (Jerry Perisho)

      There has been so much attention about this Anthony Weiner incident that Mel Gibson has gone back to leaving phone messages. (Tim Hunter)

      THE SPECULATION


      With rumored new photos about to emerge, they're saying this week could be hard on Weiner. Even if it isn't, it's just fun saying it. (Tim Hunter)

      After hearing Rep. Anthony Weiner wouldn't resign despite admitting he'd texted lewd photos of himself, Brett Favre said, "What? You can do that?" (Jerry Perisho)

      Donald Trump said Anthony Weiner is a psycho. So look for him on the next season of "Celebrity Apprentice." (Conan O'Brien)

      Things keep getting worse for Rep. Anthony Weiner. Now supposedly there is an embarrassing video of the congressman scratching his butt, sniffing his finger and falling out of a tree. (Alex Kaseberg)

      If Weiner resigns, they're already talking about replacing him with Ashton Kutcher. (David Letterman)

      What do you want to bet that right now Anthony Weiner is the only guy in the world who wishes he was on LinkedIn or MySpace instead of twitter? (Alex Kaseberg)

      More trouble for Anthony Weiner: He was fired as the voice of the Aflac duck. (David Letterman)

      Embattled congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) sent shockwaves across the political landscape today, resigning from his seat in Congress and announcing a run for Prime Minister of Italy. According to early Italian polls, Mr. Weiner is appealing mainly to women in the 21 to 22 demographic. "That's a group that Berlusconi has totally ignored," said Italian pollster Donatello Bibbo. "He considers them too old." (Andy Borowitz)

      Let's face it, this scandal could have been far more embarrassing for Anthony Weiner. How could it have been more embarrassing? Two words: Male Camel-toe. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Unseasonably hot weather inundates the Northeast. You can always tell if it's a scorcher in Brooklyn. When Congressmen Weiner tweets his junk, he uses sunscreen. (Alan Ray)

      THE FIRST WEEK -- THE DENIAL


      Who would have guessed the one thing to knock Sarah Palin's bus out of the headlines would be Anthony Weiner's underpants? (Jerry Perisho)

      A Tweet from Congressman Anthony Weiner was sent by Twitter to a college student in Washington State, supposedly showing an aroused man in his boxer shorts. The congressman says he was hacked, although you can't tell by the picture. (Tim Hunter)

      Congressman Anthony Weiner allegedly tweeted a below-the-waist photo of an aroused man in his underwear to his followers and couldn't deny it was a photo of himself. Of course it was him. For decency's sake, Democrats need to keep their pants on and their cell phone cameras off whenever they're alone in their office looking at a spending bill. (Argus Hamilton

      Congressman Weiner's Twitter account was hacked 'allegedly' and someone texted a picture of his 'junior senator' to a college girl. Now this is good news for me because I can Google 'wiener photos' at work and not get fired. (Craig Ferguson)

      Rep. Weiner is uncertain of whether the photo is of him. I’m no big city detective, but why don’t you just check inside your pants, where I believe you keep the item in question? (Jon Stewart

      Rep. Anthony Weiner says the photo of a man's underwear that appeared on his Twitter account was the result of being hacked. The last thing a man wants to hear in reference to a penis photo is the word 'hacked'. (Jerry Perisho)

      If I was Anthony Weiner, I'd blame this all on Brett Favre. (Jimmy Kimmel

      New York Rep. Anthony Weiner said he cannot say with certitude the picture of a male crotch sent to a college girl and posted on twitter was not of him. This Weiner guy may be the most appropriately named politician since Indianapolis mayor, Harry Baals. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Cong. Anthony Weiner says he can't say for certain whether the obscene photo sent out from his Twitter account is a picture of him. He says it all depends on who's looking at the picture and whether or not she's turned on. (Jake Novak)

      I see only two options here: Either Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of, or 'Certitiude' is his nickname for his penis. (Stephen Colbert)
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