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Weakly Humerus News 06-04-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-04-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Speaker of the House John Boehner, appearing alongside Rep. Ryan, offered these
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 4, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-04-11 
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Speaker of the House John Boehner, appearing alongside Rep. Ryan, offered these words of praise for the Wisconsin congressman: "Preachers like Harold Camping go around predicting the end of the world, but it’s guys like Paul Ryan who do the hard work of making it happen." (Andy Borowitz

      Sarah Palin may run for President. Doesn't that thought make you nostalgic for last week when you only thought the world was going to end? (Jay Leno)

      Who would have guessed the one thing to knock Sarah Palin's bus out of the headlines would be Anthony Weiner's underpants? (Jerry Perisho)

      Obama Condoms Slogans: 'Even in a recession, you still need protection', 'It's the election-erection for your protection', and 'It's the ultimate stimulus package for hard times'. (José Andújar)

      Hedge fund investor David Einhorn has bought a minority share of the New York Mets. Baseball and Wall Street have a lot in common. In both industries, stealing is considered a valuable asset. (Alan Ray

      A terminal at New Jersey's Newark Airport was briefly evacuated by authorities tonight while they investigated a suspicious package. Anthony Weiner immediately issued a statement calling the incident a prank, but said he could not confirm that the package wasn't his. (Janice Hough)

      Moody's has threatened to cut the U. S. credit rating because of the national debt. Economists say they are bluffing. They are just being Moody. (Jim Barach)

      Last year, the U. S. handed out $1.4 billion in free foreign aid to 16 countries that are actually lending us money. That's like sending your credit card company a tip every month. (Jake Novak)

      While filming 'Jersey Shore' in Italy, Snooki drove into the back of a police car. The officers were treated for a mild case of whiplash and a severe case of a sexually transmitted disease. That is quite a switch: Snooki rear-ending two strangers. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Octomom's fertility doctor has had his license revoked. He is being accused of hiding more eggs than the Easter Bunny. (Jim Barach)

      A Zimbabwe policeman was arrested for using the personal toilet of President Robert Mugabe. Apparently only the chief can sit on the throne in that country. (Jim Barach)

      WEINERGATE


      A Tweet from Congressman Anthony Weiner was sent by Twitter to a college student in Washington State, supposedly showing an aroused man in his boxer shorts. The congressman says he was hacked, although you can't tell by the picture. (Tim Hunter)

      Congressman Anthony Weiner allegedly tweeted a below-the-waist photo of an aroused man in his underwear to his followers and couldn't deny it was a photo of himself. Of course it was him. For decency's sake, Democrats need to keep their pants on and their cell phone cameras off whenever they're alone in their office looking at a spending bill. (Argus Hamilton

      Congressman Weiner's Twitter account was hacked 'allegedly' and someone texted a picture of his 'junior senator' to a college girl. Now this is good news for me because I can Google 'wiener photos' at work and not get fired. (Craig Ferguson)

      Rep. Weiner is uncertain of whether the photo is of him. I’m no big city detective, but why don’t you just check inside your pants, where I believe you keep the item in question? (Jon Stewart

      Rep. Anthony Weiner says the photo of a man's underwear that appeared on his Twitter account was the result of being hacked. The last thing a man wants to hear in reference to a penis photo is the word 'hacked'. (Jerry Perisho)

      If I was Anthony Weiner, I'd blame this all on Brett Favre. (Jimmy Kimmel

      New York Rep. Anthony Weiner said he cannot say with certitude the picture of a male crotch sent to a college girl and posted on twitter was not of him. This Weiner guy may be the most appropriately named politician since Indianapolis mayor, Harry Baals. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Cong. Anthony Weiner says he can't say for certain whether the obscene photo sent out from his Twitter account is a picture of him. He says it all depends on who's looking at the picture and whether or not she's turned on. (Jake Novak)

      Rep. Weiner uses the term 'distraction' to describe the scandal. 'Distraction' is a cell phone going off in a meeting, (Jon Stewart) 

      I see only two options here: Either Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of, or 'Certitiude' is his nickname for his penis. (Stephen Colbert)

      I call Rep. Anthony Weiner 'Tony' Weiner. That’s not to be confused with Nathan Lane, who is a Tony winner. (Craig Ferguson

      U.S. Rep Anthony Weiner tweeted a photo of an aroused man in underwear to his followers Monday. He tweets porno actresses every day and lobbies for visas for foreign supermodels. Martin Sheen is going to adopt him so he has a back-up in case anything ever happens to Charlie. (Argus Hamilton

      Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) suffered another setback today, in the form of these harsh words of criticism from former President Bill Clinton: “In my day, we’d show it to ‘em in person.” (Andy Borowitz)

      Rep. Anthony Weiner claims that he "can't say with certitude" whether a photo posted on his Twitter account of a man wearing just boxer shorts was actually him. I'm not certain of a lot of things. But there are three things in this world that I know for certain: Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars movie. OJ killed those people. And what my erect penis looks like in my own underwear from a bird's-eye view. (Jon Stewart)

      Congressman Anthony Weiner claims he did not tweet a pic of his junk to a Seattle woman. In reality, the photo was actually meant for Facebook. He was trying to poke her. (Alan Ray)

      Rush Limbaugh says he doesn't really believe Congressman Anthony Weiner's story that a hacker was responsible for tweeting a picture of him in his underwear to a young woman. But Rush also said he didn't think it was a big deal. Scary translation, does this mean Rush has tweeted his own 'brief' picture to someone? (Janice Hough)

      In real life, in my memory, this guy had a lot more 'Anthony' and a lot less 'Weiner'. The only thing they have in common is that they both lean to the extreme left! (Jon Stewart) 

      JIM TRESSEL


      Ohio State coach Jim Tressel's resigned. While some of his players wept, others sold his office furniture on eBay. (Dwight Perry)

      Jim Tressel is out as the head football coach at Ohio St. This is the biggest tattoo controversy since Angelina Jolie lasered-off 'Billy Bob'. Next season, Ohio St. players will not have buckeye decals on their helmets; they’ll be tattooed on their skulls. (Jerry Perisho)

      Jim Tressel is renowned as a teacher. If you learn one truism from the coach, it should be, "When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm." (Stan Kegel)

      Ohio State head football coach Jim Tressel has stepped down. it's not clear if the school forced Tressel out because he broke the rules or because he didn't break the rules enough. (Jake Novak)

      Look for Tressel to host QVS's new Saturday Sports show this fall, 'Lord of the Rings'. (Gary Morton)

      Wonder if Tressell will follow Pete Carroll to the NFL since he's already has plenty of experience in dealing with well-paid players. (Janice Hough)

      THE CANDIDATES


      I think Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin would be the perfect ticket. She can't answer basic questions, and he has two answers for every question. (Jay Leno)

      The perfect GOP ticket for 2012 would be Sarah Palin and Michele Bachman. That way, when Sarah resigns to start a new career after two years, we can all be certain there will be no change in the Administration's policies or actions. (Stan Kegel)  

      Donald Trump took Sarah Palin out to eat chain restaurant pizza in New York using knives and forks. Based on how you eat pizza, Donald, I want to see your long-form birth certificate. I don't think you were really born in New York. (Jon Stewart)

      Fox News fired Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum because of their intentions to run for President. But despite similar signs from Sarah Palin, the network is keeping her on as a contributor. Translation, compared to Gingrich and Santorum, Palin has higher ratings. (Janice Hough)

      Mitt Romney has announced his candidacy for president. Talk about unyielding, inflexible, resistant to change, black and white. And that’s just his hair. (Alan Ray)

      It turns out, that Mitt Romney's belly fire was only the secondary reason for a fire alarm that caused the evacuation of Romney campaign question and answer session in Iowa. The real culprit was a burning bag of microwave popcorn. And that's a great way to impress Iowans, demonstrate that you can't handle rudimentary corn problems. (Frank King

      Mitt Romney admitted on the 'Today Show' he likes to read the 'Twilight' books and watch 'American Idol'. If elected, he would be the 1st Mormon and the 1st 13-year-old girl to be President. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A new CNN poll shows Rudy Giuliani, who is not even an announced candidate, leads all GOP presidential contenders. Presume 'None of the above' was not an option? (Janice Hough)

      Over in Texas, Governor Rick Perry is the latest to talk about running for President in 2012. Uh, Rick, with all this talk of secession for the Lone Star state, wouldn't that make you no longer born in the U. S? (Janice Hough)

      Chris Christie told a crowd of political donors in Iowa last night that he is not running for president in 2012. Actually, looking at Chris Christie you can see he isn't running for anything. (Jake Novak)

      SARAH PALIN


      Sarah Palin met with Donald Trump in New York yesterday. Then Sarah Palin left by helicopter and shot that thing off Trump's head. (Craig Ferguson)

      Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy. (Craig Ferguson)

      Sarah Palin met with Donald Trump in New York yesterday. They spent the meeting talking about the thing most important to them: TV ratings. (Craig Ferguson)

      Sarah Palin had dinner with Donald Trump in New York. The first thing she did when she walked into the restaurant was shoot the rodent off his head. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Sarah Palin had dinner with Donald Trump in New York. They had a pretty frank discussion. He told Palin that he didn't think she could win the election, and she told Donald that his hair made him look like something she'd shoot at from a helicopter. (Tim Hunter)

      This weekend Sarah Palin begins a nationwide bus tour, which I think is a good way for her to learn the names of all the states. (Jay Leno

      Sarah Palin launched a speaking tour Friday as political pundits speculated over whether she's running for president. The idea is to appear more thoughtful, more statesmanlike and more incisive. Her goal is for Saturday Night Live to hire Margaret Thatcher to impersonate her. (Argus Hamilton

      Sarah Palin is on her East Coast bus tour, there was an embarrassing moment when asked if she was excited about Mount Vernon, Sarah said; "You betchya, I love touring wineries." (Alex Kaseberg)

      Sarah Palin is driving all over the country in a bus, I guess to pick up where Charlie Sheen left off. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      TV and press reporters are scrambling to keep pace with Sarah Palin's bus tour of historical tourist attractions along the eastern seaboard. The bus tour was marred only once when, out of habit, she shot the greyhound painted on the side. (Bob Mills)

      Sarah Palin is visiting sites of historical significance. Sadly, she thinks the Battle of Bull Run takes place every year in Pamplona, Spain. (Jerry Perisho

      Due to an ill-timed miscommunication with the sign company, Sarah Palin's bus tour will now be called 'Juan Nation'. (Jerry Perisho

      Sarah Palin stole the show at an 'Operation Rolling Thunder' motorcycle rumble through Washington D.C. on Memorial Day, where she told reporters she paid a secret visit to the Lincoln Memorial the night before. It had to be secret. She wanted to let Abe know that she tracked down John Wilkes Moose up in Alaska and took care of him. (Argus Hamilton

      Meanwhile Sarah Palin's 'One Nation Bus (and motorcycle) Tour' is on its way, even if the itinerary is a closely guarded secret, even and especially from the media. Palin did stop at Mount Vernon, where she proclaimed George Washington her 'Favorite Founding Father'. Uh, has anyone told Sarah that when he crossed the Delaware, Washington didn't do the truly brave thing, and stop half way? (Janice Hough

      Sarah Palin on visiting Mt. Vernon stated, "Even Piper was able to grasp the significance of being in the presence of our first President when she told me later, 'How hard he must have worked to keep that farm going!'" It's true. I cannot imagine how hard he worked with no help other than his African volunteers. (Stephen Colbert)

      Riders at the Rolling Thunder motorcycle ride were chanting at Sarah Palin, "Run, Sarah, run," not for president, of course; they just wanted her to get off the motorcycle. (Jerry Perisho

      There are rumors that Sarah Palin will run for president. It's a big decision. On one hand, running for president is a long and grueling process that goes on for months and years. But she could just quit halfway through, right? (Jimmy Kimmel

      Sarah Palin was part of the 'Rolling Thunder' motorcycle ride in Washington, Sunday. Typically, the only time Palin thinks about 'Rolling Thunder' is after eating moose meat that’s been left out in the sun too long. (Jerry Perisho)

      Somebody asked John McCain if Sarah Palin could win the presidency, and he said. "Yes, especially if a meteor hits all the other Republican and Democratic candidates." Imagine how mad he'd be if she won. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Sarah Palin has apparently authorized a feature film about her career. The film has an announced running time of two hours but will stop half-way through. (Janice Hough)

      Sarah Palin's admirers released a two-hour movie documentary about her life called 'The Undefeated'. Of course she's undefeated. When moose are allowed to shoot at Sarah from an overhead helicopter while she's grazing at a salad bar the record might even out a little. (Argus Hamilton) 

      THE N. B. A. FINALS


      With the Heat into the finals, the impossible has become reality; most of America will actually be rooting for Mark Cuban. (Janice Hough)

      The NBA finals begin. What do you say to someone who would fall asleep during a classic matchup like Heat-Mavs? “Come on, Ref, wake up!” (Alan Ray)

      The NBA finals begin. When Charles Barkley is at the press table, it can only mean one thing. The concession stand is going to need a whole lot more nachos. (Alan Ray)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA


      President Obama met with Group of Eight world leaders Thursday in a medieval Norman hall in the French town of Deauville. We just learned this past week why there was always a suit of armor standing at the foot of the stairs in a French castle. Those were the maid's outfits. (Argus Hamilton

      A Republican Congressman is challenging President Obama's use of an autopen to sign an extension of the Patriot Act. This is the first time a President's signature has been called into question since George W. Bush signed his first bill with an "X". (Jim Barach)

      President Obama used an auto-pen to sign the Patriot Act into law from France Thursday despite President Bush's concern six years ago that using an auto-pen might be ruled unconstitutional. You can't make it up. Only people in the English-speaking world would agree to violate one-thousand-year-old privacy and property rights and then wonder if the pen's legal. (Argus Hamilton

      THE CONGRESS


      Presenting what he called a revolutionary plan to slash the nation's mountain of debt, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) today proposed eliminating the Social Security program in its entirety and replacing it with Groupons.  (Andy Borowitz

      Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) eulogized the late Dr. Jack Kevorkian today, vowing to honor his legacy by continuing his good work. "Dr. Kevorkian tried to ease the transition of seniors into the great beyond. Here in Congress, we have the obligation to continue his work on a grander scale." Rep. Ryan said that his new budget plan would replace Medicare with a system of so-called 'Kevouchers' that could be redeemed for cyanide pills, nooses and bullets. (Andy Borowitz)

      The Senate's top watchdog on government waste, Sen. Tom Coburn, released a report blasting over $3 billion in questionable projects funded by the National Science Foundation. They include the creation of a robot that can fold laundry; a study of event ticket prices on Stubhub.com; and  a study of how well sick shrimp hold up when running on a tiny treadmill. Most of these are stupid, but America's housewives would gladly trade NASA for that robot that folds laundry. (Reeder & Ainsworth

      U.S. Congressman Barney Frank admitted Thursday he helped a boyfriend land a job at the government lender Fannie Mae in Washington D.C. It gets more sordid. It turns out that the Greek statues standing in front of the bank are male strippers that Barney met at Chippendale's. (Argus Hamilton

      THE STATES


      The Texas legislature is considering a bill that would make it a crime for federal TSA employees to grope airline passengers. And none too soon. It's high time someone got groping out of the airport and back into the governor's mansion where it belongs. (Bob Mills)

      The Justice Department threatened to halt Texas air travel if the state passes a law banning TSA scanners from groping women in line at airport security. It's an issue of state sovereignty. Under the Texas state constitution only football stars have the right to grope women at random. (Argus Hamilton)

      Governor Jan Brewer is going to court to fight the state's voter approved medical marijuana law. So let me get this straight, Brewer trusts the people of Arizona to make the decision to carry a gun around, but not to light up a joint? (Janice Hough)

      California state legislators will not get their paychecks if the state budget is not passed by June 15, so the politicians are asking businesses for an advance on their bribes this month just to be safe. (Jake Novak)

      California is considering a bill to protect people who want to cross-dress at work. But people who want to go to a job wearing only their underwear are still only safe if they work in Congressman Anthony Weiner's office. (Jake Novak)

      The Los Angeles Times reported further examples of worsening economic conditions in the Golden State Monday. Last week tens of thousands of Californians lost their free food, free medical, free rent and free gym memberships. The Supreme Court ordered them to leave prison. (Argus Hamilton

      Officials at the California Department of Corrections insist that the release of 30,000 convicts is unavoidable because their current budget just won't cover the cost of housing them. On top of that, they say they're running out of tin cups. (Bob Mills)

      Arnold Schwarzenegger was investigated Friday for using state troopers to pick up and drop off women at his Sacramento pad. The cops did nothing wrong. They'd each spent two grueling months in Hollywood training for this kind of work at the Personal Assistant Academy. (Argus Hamilton

      Illinois has approved putting slot machines at O'Hare and Midway airports, because travelling through those airports isn't enough of a gamble as it is. (Jake Novak)

      The Supreme Court upheld Arizona's new immigration law that punishes employers who hire illegal aliens. Employers may legally check the birth certificate of each and every worker. It just wasn't practical to have Donald Trump fly out to Arizona and challenge each and every case. (Argus Hamilton

      The Supreme Court upheld Arizona's new law punishing employers and farmers who hire illegal aliens. Every farm worker must now be able to prove he's a U.S. citizen. If you want to know how it'll affect prices, Gordon Liddy is urging TV viewers to sell their gold and buy lettuce. (Argus Hamilton

      LOCAL NEWS


      The New York Public Library will honor George Washington’s birthday by brewing a batch of beer using his personal recipe.  Library workers who’ve already sampled it report that it tastes like a cross between cherry tree sap and Delaware River water.  (Bob Mills)

      Anti-obesity housing has been unveiled in the Bronx. Apparently just the fact it is in the Bronx means the people living there have to always run to keep from being mugged. (Jim Barach)

      A Los Angeles shelter is starting to charge money for overnight stays. Apparently they are worried if they aren't able to afford to stock Perrier and send out for Starbucks at breakfast, they may lose their clients to the Beverly Hills shelters. (Jim Barach)

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      Charges against former Presidential candidate John Edwards appear likely on Friday. Fortunately for him, of the two Americas, he lives in the one where he can buy his way out of any jail time. (Jim Barach)

      Dick Cheney has a new book coming out August 30. It doesn't have a title yet, Might I suggest a few: 'How to Shoot Friends and Influence People', 'A Dick for All Seasons', aand 'Torture in the Rye'. (Craig Ferguson)

      THE ECONOMY


      The White House says taxpayers will lose about $14 Billion of the $80 Billion auto industry bailout. GM and Chrysler are now trying to see if they can use the $66 Billion that is left for executive bonuses. (Jim Barach)

      An analyst says that Goldman Sachs is too big to face criminal prosecution for their role in the mortgage crisis, and that such a move could threaten the financial system. Or in layman's terms, they are too rich to be prosecuted. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR


      A poll says that most Americans are satisfied with their jobs. The poll says that most Indians and Chinese are also satisfied with Americans' jobs. (Jim Barach)

      McDonald's chairman, Jim Skinner, refused calls to fire Ronald McDonald at the company meeting in Chicago Friday. He refused calls by the food police to get rid of Ronald for promoting unhealthy food to children. In America, we don't fire clowns for making us fat, we re-elect them. (Argus Hamilton)

      McDonald’s is reformulating their grilled chicken sandwich after sample tasters reported that it was 'too Italian'.  McDonald’s has been careful to avoid acquiring an ethnic identity ever since the disastrous debut of the 'McSushi and Seaweed Kabobs'. (Bob Mills

      Starbucks is quickly becoming a popular place for thieves to steal iPads, laptops, and purses. It's pretty crazy. I mean, can you imagine getting robbed while you're just trying to pay $6 for a cup of coffee? (Jimmy Fallon)

      The CEO of AT&T is promising improved service if his company merges with T-Mobile. On the other hand, T-Mobile customers are going to see their service go down the toilet. (Jim Barach)

      The Security and Exchange Commission recently awarded one million dollars to a hedge fund employee who blew the whistle on his boss. Up until now, the only one who made that kind of money blowing anything was Herb Alpert. (Bob Mills)

      Next week, Apple's Steve Jobs will unveil a new iCloud music storing system that critics already say is better than Amazon's or Google's, mostly because the iCloud will take in all your music AND all of your money. (Jake Novak)

      iPhone now offers an app that alerts subscribers to the presence of DUI checkpoints Called “Fuzz Alert.“  Not to be confused with Blackberry’s “Fuzz Alert” app which beeps whenever the user gets within 50 feet of a Winchell's D

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