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Weakly Humerus News 05-28-11 (Repost)

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-28-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK First John Edwards had an illegitimate child with a staff member, so did Arnold
    Message 1 of 1 , May 28, 2011

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-28-11 


      First John Edwards had an illegitimate child with a staff member, so did Arnold Schwarzenegger, and now one of France's top politicians, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, is in jail for raping a maid. If politicians are not careful, people are going to start thinking they're sleazy. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Obama was in England, where the queen suggested that we go back to the pre-1776 borders. (Jay Leno)

      The average couple fights about sex 87 times a year. And even more if the maid is pregnant. Arnold's maid has hired a lawyer, so I guess it's her turn to screw him. (Jay Leno)

      The pastor who incorrectly predicted the Rapture said it was a very tough weekend. To make it worse, his friends keep calling him saying, "Hey, it's not the end of the world!" (Conan O'Brien)

      Steelers wideout Hines Ward and his Dancing with the Stars partner Kym Johnson, both single, have denied rumors they are romantically involved. You gotta wonder; he is a star receiver and she's quite a catch. (RJ Currie)

      Trump has said he's got a great relationship with 'the blacks.' Unless the Blacks are a family of white people, I bet he's mistaken. (Seth Meyers)

      It's not an exaggeration to say that Oprah has touched millions of women around the world, but unlike Arnold Schwarzenegger, she didn't leave them pregnant. (Craig Ferguson)

      Today Lindsay Lohan began her house arrest. When he heard about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, "Don't worry, Lindsay. Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Seismologists in Italy are on trial for manslaughter for not warning people soon enough about an earthquake that killed 300 people. Their lawyers say the prosecution is on shaky ground. (Jim Barach)


      The apocalypse is supposed to happen this weekend. I checked the weather and there's only a 10 percent chance of apocalypse. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A Christian minister has crunched the numbers, looked at the 8 Ball, and in two hours, the Rapture begins. That's when the really devout, extra-sure-of-themselves fundamentalist Christians will just disappear — or as I call it, a win-win. (Bill Maher)

      Family Radio took out ads Wednesday warning that Saturday is Judgment Day. It caused a sensation. Republicans are terrified if the rapture occurs and the righteous are called to heaven, it'll leave the Democrats with a permanent majority and all they'll have is Newt Gingrich. (Argus Hamilton

      A lot of people are very nervous about this whole rapture thing, though a lot of people didn't understand it. For instance, Sarah Palin said, "The raptures were the scariest part of 'Jurassic Park." (Jay Leno)

      The world was supposed to end last Saturday but at the last minute, it was picked up for another season. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The end of the world DIDN'T happen last weekend. I'll bet Katie Couric feels silly giving up her job now. (Tim Hunter)

      The Rapture did not happen as predicted on May 21. Around the country, thousands of naked people in public parks are putting their clothes back on and calling to see if they can get their jobs back. (Jerry Perisho

      Apparently the rapture is being produced by the same people that produced "Spider-Man the Musical." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      After a much-heralded End of the World failed to materialize on the appointed day, May 21, Almighty God held a rare press conference in New York to discuss the matter. Dressed in His trademark flowing white robe and carrying a thunderbolt, God seemed visibly irked by the predictions calling for the world to end this Saturday. "I'll end the world when I'm good and ready, Me damn it," He snapped in response to a question from a reporter (Andy Borowitz)

      Now the pastor guy says the Apocalypse will be October 21. I know some people are saying, "What if I had tickets for Saturday's Apocalypse?" Those tickets will still be good for October. (David Letterman)

      Harold Camping, the guy who predicted the end of the world, says the new date for the apocalypse is October 21. Unless it rains -- then it's October 22. (David Letterman)

      Harold Camping, the preacher who predicted that the world would end on May 21, issued the following brief statement: "The world doesn't end this week. Oprah does. My bad, sry." (Andy Borowitz)

      So much for Harold Camping's prediction that the world would end on May 21, 2011. Here's ours: right in the middle of the pitcher's windup -- when the Cubs are one strike away from winning the World Series. (Dwight Perry)

      Well, time to get out there and hit those "After Rapture" sales. (Tim Hunter)


      Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. So, he was more like a Kennedy than we ever imagined. (Jerry Perisho

      Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted he had a child out of wedlock with his family maid in Brentwood ten years ago. This is a kid that could someday rule the world. Just think, if that boy is half-German and half-Mexican there isn't a border in the world that can stop him. (Argus Hamilton

      Ex-California governor Arnold Schwarznegger now admits that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff before he became governor. Apparently, while he was pumping iron he was also pumping someone ironing. (Bob Mills)

      This whole Schwarzenegger divorce thing is so interesting. The problem began when he had "Total Recall" and caused Maria to become "The Terminator." (Tim Hunter)

      There are rumors Arnold Schwarzenegger may have had a second child with another woman. I can't believe Arnold would cheat on his mistress like that. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a member of his household staff. He’s apparently been busy working on a new film. The Impregnator. (Alan Ray

      Arnold Schwarzenegger put his film career on hold Thursday after admitting he fathered a child with the maid. It was foreseeable. When he told friends twenty years ago he wanted to be the next Thomas Jefferson, nobody thought he meant knocking up the household servants. (Argus Hamilton

      Arnold Schwarzenegger says that he's postponing his plans to get back into acting until after he works out things with his marriage. In his words, "I'll eventually be back!" (Tim Hunter)

      If she divorces Arnold Schwarzenegger, Maria Shriver could walk away with $100 million. Or, as the former Mrs. Tiger Woods calls it, "chump change". (Jerry Perisho

      Maria Shriver flew to Chicago Wednesday to discuss her shattered marriage with Arnold Schwarzenegger on the Oprah Winfrey show. That's surprising. You'd think if a Kennedy just found out she had married a Kennedy she'd fly to Chicago to be on the Jerry Springer show. (Argus Hamilton

      It's been reported that Arnold Schwarzenegger was paying the maid 1200 dollars a week. It gets uglier. He bought the woman a house in Bakersfield, and he was having sex with the lady who cleans that house too. (Jay Leno)

      Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's putting his acting career on hold. After 13 of playing faithful husband, he's probably exhausted. (Tim Hunter)

      And another thought re Arnold, a lot of athletes actually probably felt some relief at this story. I guess getting two women pregnant at the same time does indicate that steroid use may not cause permanent damage. (Janice Hough)

      The Obama campaign is selling t-shirts with his long-form birth certificate and 'Made in the U. S.A.' Arnold Schwarzenegger is selling t-shirts that say 'Maid in the bedroom, made in the kitchen' (Jay Leno)

      Legal experts speculate that Arnold Schwarzenegger may have to give Maria Shriver up to $100 million in a divorce. When asked for a comment, Arnold said, "But I have families to support." (Conan O'Brien)

      You can use genealogy to trace your ancestors now. In 100 years, scientists will be able to tell that three quarters of all Americans are descended directly from Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Craig Ferguson)

      Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have put their former mansion on the market for $23.5 million. It's being sold BYOM -- Bring your own maid. (Tim Hunter)

      The good news in screwing the maid: Schwarzenegger is now qualified to head the International Monetary Fund. (Jerry Perisho

      CBS announced some new shows coming up, including "Celebrity Housekeeper." A group of women compete to become Arnold Schwarzenegger's maid. (David Letterman)

      With California preacher Harold Camping revising his doomsday date to Oct. 21, the Las Vegas Wranglers hockey team is hosting "Rapture Night" as part of its home opener. "This is a low-risk proposition. If it doesn't go as planned, it's not the end of the world." (Wranglers president Billy Johnson)


      IMF president Dominique Strauss-Kahn was denied bail in New York Tuesday and charged with sexual assault. They said he came out of his hotel shower naked and had unwanted sex with the chambermaid. If convicted he could get four to eight years as California governor. (Argus Hamilton

      The French chief of the International Monetary Fund, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, is in a New York jail for trying to rape a hotel maid. The guy got naked, hid in the bathroom and jumped the maid. Or as they call that in France: a date. (Alex Kaseberg)

      IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn said the sexual misconduct charges against him would force him to drop out of the race for President of France and run for Prime Minister of Italy instead. (Andy Borowitz)

      Facing multiple charges arising out of non-consensual sex with a hotel maid, Dominique Strauss-Kahn has resigned as head of the International Monetary Fund. According to an aide, he plans to stay in the U. S. and run for governor of California. (Bob Mills)

      IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn's DNA was found on the shirt of the maid who accused him of sexually assaulting her in his New York hotel suite last week. People have begun taking every precaution in New York. Women are carrying pepper spray and men are carrying Scotch-Guard. (Argus Hamilton

      The head of the IMF is out on bail following sex charges. It was an unusual bond hearing. He asked if he could keep the handcuffs. (Alan Ray)


      How about this whole world-coming-to-an-end thing? Look, I love Oprah too, but it was just a TV show! (Jay Leno)

      On her last show, Oprah gave the audience her personal email address and told them to keep in touch. Then she added, "Nobody give that to Dr. Phil." (Conan O'Brien)

      Oprah ended her final show yesterday by saying, "I won't say goodbye, I'll just say, until we meet again." Incidentally, that's also what Lindsay Lohan says whenever she leaves court. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The departure of the Oprah Winfrey Show will leave a huge gaping hole in Chicago. Kind of like the one in the heart of the Cubs batting order. (Jerry Perisho

      On the taping of Oprah's last show: The audience was full of Ohio State football players hoping she was going to give away cars. (Brad Dickson)

      Oprah Winfrey taped her final show after 25 years on the air. Oprah didn't give everyone in the audience a new Pontiac. The car company is out of business and people have no gas money so they were all good with bus fare and a transfer. (Jim Barach)

      I've been feeling jittery and nervous and I realized I'm going through Oprah withdrawal. (Jay Leno)


      Sarah Palin says that, as far as running for president next year, she does have that "fire in my belly." I'd hate to think that her decision to run was affected by a Jalapeño Jack she had at Jack in the Box. (Tim Hunter)

      Asked whether she is going to run for president, Sarah Palin said, "I do have the fire in my belly." Either that or she forgot to unplug her electric long underwear again. The chant of "Run, Sarah, Run" could be heard outside Democratic National HQ, and Comedy Writers National HQ. (Jerry Perisho)

      One of Sarah Palin's supporters is about to release a documentary about her called 'The Undefeated.' That's like a documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger called 'The Faithful.' (Jimmy Fallon)

      Distraught at the news that Donald Trump will not seek the Republican nomination for President, the nation's comedians took to the streets today, begging Mr. Trump to reconsider. (Andy Borowitz)

      Donald Trump said he may reverse his position and decide to run for president. He said he wants to do it because President Obama is being so indecisive. (Jay Leno)

      Donald Trump now says he may run for president as an independent. And when Donald Trump says he's going do something, Donald Trump says he's going to do something. (Jimmy Fallon)

      If you don't know much about Newt Gingrich, he's like Donald Trump without the charisma. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Newt Gingrich apologized to Rep. Paul Ryan for calling his Medicare plan right-wing social engineering. It may be too late. Republican fundraising dinners now charge five thousand dollars to have your picture taken with Newt Gingrich and fifty thousand dollars to destroy the negatives afterward. (Argus Hamilton

      Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said that the latest findings about the iPad made him interested in purchasing an iPad, "but first I've got to pay off this damn Tiffany's bill." (Andy Borowitz)

      Ron Paul stood by his libertarian beliefs on Sunday news shows, repeating his call for the legalization of marijuana and cocaine and prostitution. He's drawing tremendous support from college-aged voters. They think if he wins, the victory party will be at Charlie Sheen's house. (Argus Hamilton

      Rudy Giuliani says he may run for President. So now we're up to 7 candidates and 35 ex-wives. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Potential presidential candidate Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) said today that she was preparing for the GOP debates, including "studying up on where the Boston Tea Party took place." (Andy Borowitz)

      Former Senator Rick Santorum plans to announce his candidacy for President on June 6th. Which should give him until around June 7th to realize he has less of a chance than Donald Trump. (Jim Barach)

      Republican candidate, Rick Santorum, said John McCain does not understand torture as well as he does. Sure, McCain was brutally tortured everyday in a Viet Cong prison camp for over 5 years, but Santorum had to endure rush week at the Tau Epsilon Phi fraternity at Penn State. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is set to announce his candidacy for President. Even people in Minnesota are asking "Who?" (Jim Barach)

      I don't want to say Tim Pawlenty is boring, but Joe Biden is accusing him of identity theft. (Jay Leno)

      Mitt Romney is expected to officially enter the presidential race next week. Actually it's just an extension of what he's already doing since he has never actually stopped running for President since 2007. (Jim Barach)

      Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels has dropped out as a Republican running for president, shocking lots of people---especially those of us who didn't even know he was running! (Tim Hunter)

      Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels emailed his supporters over the weekend to tell them he's not running for president. In response, his supporters were like, "Dad, we live in the same house. Couldn't you just tell us in person?"  (Jimmy Fallon

      Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, announced that he's running for president. And this is cool — if his campaign isn't over in 30 minutes or less, you get your pizza for free. (Jimmy Fallon)


      President Obama is kicking off his European tour with a visit to Ireland. During that time, he'll change the spelling of his last name to O'Bama. (Tim Hunter)

      Pres. Obama visited Ireland. Obama drank a Guinness; the last time head was discussed this much, Bill Clinton was President. (Jerry Perisho

      President Obama told the Irish people that America will always stand by them, to which Israel laughed. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama enjoyed himself in Dublin Monday and he talked about one of his great-great-great grandfathers coming to America from Ireland. That makes him part-Irish and part Kenyan. The day he enters a drinking marathon he'll win it in two hours and three minutes. (Argus Hamilton

      President Obama just kicked off a 6-day European tour. It's terrifying because this means Joe Biden is in charge. (Craig Ferguson)

      President Obama is on a visit to England. He told the Queen yesterday, "I like your tea parties much better than the ones we have in America." (Jay Leno)

      At a dinner in England, the band began to play as Pres. Obama was toasting Queen Elizabeth. They only stopped when SEAL Team 6 took out the bandleader. (Jerry Perisho)

      President Obama committed the ultimate goof in protocol the other day during a toast to the queen. Not only did he keep talking during the national anthem, but he also made the toast during Oprah's last episode. (Tim Hunter)

      President Obama toasted Queen Elizabeth and the Special Relationship Tuesday. He's cut taxes, bailed out banks, killed bin Laden and invaded an oil country. If Republicans so much as nominate an opponent they're just admitting they'd rather have a white guy working for them. (Argus Hamilton


      House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan says he will fight for his Medicare plan even if it ruins his political career. He doesn't have anything to worry about. Look at all the congressmen who keep getting re-elected despite what they have done to us over the years. (Jim Barach)


      The Supreme Court says California must reduce its prison population by 30,000. They have little choice but to release hardened criminals back into the state legislature. (Jerry Perisho

      The Supreme Court has ordered California to release 30,000 prisoners because of overcrowding. The only other way to be released by the California prison system is to serve the entire sentence or be declared a celebrity. (Jim Barach)

      A new law in Utah makes it illegal for a person to publicly touch their own genitals. In other words, Utah is never getting a major league baseball team. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Ohio legislature is considering a bill which would allow sports fans to carry firearms into open-air sports stadiums. It makes sense. The GOP lawmakers may be trying to lure the Republican convention to Cincinnati because Sarah Palin has said that she's never shot a Bengal. (Argus Hamilton


      Los Angeles is fighting with banks over foreclosed properties that aren't being maintained. The banks claim they are owners in name only and have no obligation for upkeep. Kind of like the McCourts with the Dodgers (Jim Barach)

      A source says that New York City Police officers have been fixing tickets for celebrities. Apparently any celebrities who want to get away with murder still have to move to Los Angeles. (Jim Barach)

      The San Francisco Board of Supervisors may impose a ban on circumcision anywhere within the city limits. Seems just too many men were leaving more than their hearts in San Francisco. (Bob Mills)

      A Minnesota woman gave birth while at the bank. The worst part is she was penalized for early withdrawal. (Jim Barach)

      A 15 year old girl in Washington State shot her dad with a hunting bow after he grounded her and took away her cell phone. Apparently he should have never let her download that crossbow shooting app. (Jim Barach)


      Former President Bush attended a baseball game this week and was almost hit by a foul ball. Hey, that's what you get for letting Dick Cheney take batting practice. (Tim Hunter)

      Faulty intelligence was blamed once again after ex-president George W. Bush was nearly hit by a foul pop-up at a recent Texas Rangers game. Apparently Dubya thought he was sitting in a no-fly zone.

      Hillary Clinton says Pakistan is a "good partner" to the US. And by "good partner", she means someone we can't trust and who hides the world's greatest war criminal. Other than that, it's all good. Just for a proper frame of reference, you've got to remember who Hillary's partner is. (Jerry Perisho)

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