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Weakly Humerous News 05-07-11 Part 2 The Rest of The News

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-07-11 PART 2 THE REST OF THE NEWS AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK It’s after midnight in Washington, D.C., and both
    Message 1 of 1 , May 7, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-07-11
      PART 2 THE REST OF THE NEWS
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      It’s after midnight in Washington, D.C., and both Generalissimo Francisco Franco and Osama bin Laden are still dead. (Janice Hough

      A new poll found that Donald Trump is ahead of Mitt Romney as the most popular Republican presidential candidate for 2012. Trump called it "great news," while Obama called it "great news." (Jimmy Fallon)

      if only Obama had released the more detailed birth certificate earlier, the opposition says, there would have been no more questions.Yes, right. At least for those who believe the people listed on that fuzzy digitized document really were Obama's parents. But who's to say they were? Why not exhume the bodies of Barack Hussein Obama and Stanley Ann Dunham, Obama's parents? You wouldn't object to a little DNA testing, Mr. President. Or do you have something to hide? (James Rainey)

      One of the largest nudist groups in the US is hoping to reverse declining numbers and recruit young nudists by sponsoring a series of 5K foot races. One possible promotional slogan? You don't have to win the close ones by a nose. (RJ Currie)

      Let’s be real, if Fox News covered George W. Bush using a teleprompter it would be to praise the President’s excellent reading skills. (Janice Hough

      The fallout from Action Comics' announcement that their Krypton-born superhero Superman is renouncing his American citizenship is already being felt. Clark Kent now relates so closely to his fellow undocumented aliens, he's given up phone booths, preferring to don his tights and cape in a Home Depot parking lot. (Bob Mills

      At times a person might say something inadvertently instead of what they intended to say, and that statement reflects their true feeling. This happened on FOX News. On receiving notice of the death of Osama Bin Laden, the Fox News anchor reported that President Obama was dead. A textbook example of the Freudian Slip. (Stan Kegel)

      The Avon cosmetics company has found evidence of employee wrongdoing including bribery in several countries. When confronted, suspected workers just blushed. Investigators say they detect a coverup. (Jim Barach

      CORRECTION


      I attributed a joke by another comedian to  RJ Currie' in last week's Humerus News. Here is RJ's correct quote on the subject: "Authorities in Indonesia arrested 26 female caddies at a resort in Kulai who were reportedly offering players a 2-for-1 deal -- golf help by day, sexual services that evening. They are accused of driving a hard bargain." (Stan Kegel

      DONALD TRUMP


      President Obama has done something that no one else has been able to do. He got Donald Trump to shut up. (Jay Leno)

      Donald Trump described himself politically as a republican with a big heart. That's like saying you're a Kardashian with a little butt. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Mr. Trump has drawn up a short list of verbal t*rds that have potential, including attacking President Obama for overdue library books during his grade school years, but so far he has failed to come up with a comment that is both objectionable and ill informed enough to meet his high standards. (Andy Borowitz

      Donald Trump will not be driving the pace car at the Indy 500. Apparently as part of the deal he wanted the race name changed to the “Trump 500”. (Jim Barach

      Donald Trump has announced he will no longer be driving the celebrity pace car in the Indianapolis 500 this year. Guess he can’t stand even the appearance anymore of turning to the left. (Janice Hough

      Pres. Obama told jokes about Donald Trump at the annual White House Correspondents' Dinner. Each person at the dinner enjoyed a placemat copy of Obama's birth certificate. Trump was the only attendee who was served crow.  If not for the lacquer, it would have curled Trump's hair. (Jerry Perisho)

      On Celebraty Apprentise, you didn’t blame Lil’ Jon or Meatloaf. You fired Gary Busey. And these are the kind of decisions that would keep me up at night. Well handled sir. Well handled. (Obama to Donald Trump)

      2012 Trump/Palin campaign slogan; "You're fired!" / "I quit!" (Gil Ross)

      I used to think Obama was a narcissist but Donald trumps him (Doug Specter)

      Donald Trump responded to his hilarious roasting by Seth Meyers at the Correspondent's Dinner by saying Seth Myers was untalented. After all, Donald Trump is to talent what Donald Trump is to hair style. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Many Americans are disappointed that the media is paying so much attention to statements made by Donald Trump. The media’s obsession with Trump has pushed Snooki and Charlie Sheen right off the front page. (Jay Leno

      Trump got an endorsement from former child star Joey Lawrence. I’m waiting to hear from David Cassidy and Leif Garrett. (Jay Leno

      Trump said he'll announce whether or not he's running for president on the final episode of "Celebrity Apprentice." He'll be surrounded by political heavyweights like Gary Busey, Latoya Jackson, and Meat Loaf. (David Letterman)

      THE ROYAL WEDDING


      It took Kate Middleton about four minutes to walk down the aisle at the royal wedding. Meanwhile, it took me about a second to realize I was a grown man using a stopwatch to time a bride walking down the aisle. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The royal wedding wasn't just the biggest wedding of the year, but the biggest wedding of the decade. No offense, Khloe and Lamar. (Craig Ferguson)

      Queen Elizabeth held a lunch for wedding guests Friday which laid out plates, knives and forks made of solid gold. That means a ten-ounce spoon was worth fifteen thousand dollars cash. Now Ron Paul is calling for U. S. currency to be backed by English shrimp forks. (Argus Hamilton)

      At the royal wedding, Kate Middleton wore a dress designed by Sarah Burton and Prince William wore something from the Sgt. Pepper collection. (Jay Leno)

      The royal wedding had a tremendous guest list of celebrities. There was the duke and duchess of Gloucester, the earl and countess of St. Andrew, and Lord and Lady Gaga. (David Letterman)  

      Two billion people around the world watched the royal wedding, including al-Qaida. (Craig Ferguson)

      Prince William is marrying Kate Middleton. She probably has two or three days until she ticks off the queen.  (David Letterman

      Prince William met Kate Middleton when he picked her out at a runway fashion show. It's like he went wife shopping. (Craig Ferguson)

      Prince William and Kate Middleton kissed each other in public two times on a balcony. At one point I was like, "Geez, get a castle, you two!" (Jimmy Fallon)

      The royal nuptials were barely over when fashion designers got their first calls demanding a knock-off of Kate Middleton's wedding dress. But enough about Ricky Williams and Dennis Rodman. (Dwight Perry)

      Donald Trump issued a congratulations to Prince William and Kate Middleton on their marriage Friday. He wasn't invited even though he's of royal lineage on both sides. His mother's related to the Stuarts and his hair is a direct descendant of William of Orange. (Argus Hamilton)

      The royal couple got married and then traveled by horse and carriage. You see what these gas prices have done? (David Letterman

      No one knows how much the royal wedding costs, but they think it may be more expensive than all of Larry King's weddings put together. (Craig Ferguson)

      For their honeymoon, the royal couple wants to go somewhere they can have complete privacy and no one in the country will give away their location. I think they're going to Pakistan. (Jay Leno)

      Prince William and Kate will be visiting California in July. No word on their itinerary but surely they will visit San Francisco? The “City by the Bay” certainly knows how to appreciate a good queen. (Janice Hough

      We’re so fascinated by royal weddings because there’s no monarchy in the United States. The closest we could get would be if Larry King married Queen Latifah. (Jay Leno

      The closest thing we have to a royal wedding in this country is a 24-year-old marrying Hugh Hefner.  (David Letterman

      PRESIDENT OBAMA


      President Obama is going to host a poetry night at the White House next week. That’s right, Obama will recite some Yeats, Hillary will recite some Frost, Biden will recite some Seuss. (Jimmy Fallon

      Bowing to Michelle Obama's campaign to improve kids' diets, AMC Theaters have promised to provide healthier snacks at the concession counter. And none too soon. Not long ago, theater owners considered a healthy snack anything that kids couldn't stick under the seats. (Bob Mills)

      THE COURTS


      U.S. District Judge Susan Richard Nelson ordered an end to the NFL lockout. Of course, she did; women across the country are horrified by the idea of their husbands wanting to spend time with them on Sundays. (Torben Rolfsen)

      THE STATES


      California will not resume executions this year even though it has an already overcrowded death row. Governor Jerry Brown is asking the state's criminals to help out by not commiting any more murders until they get this straightened out. (Jake Novak)

      Illinois Governor Pat Quinn now says state workers should only get workmen's comp payments if they actually injure themselves on the job. This could set the stage for Quinn to eventually demand that state workers not get paid unless they actually work. (Jake Novak)

      LOCAL NEWS


      A ban on male circumcision may be on the ballot in San Francisco in November. The proposition is not in its final version. The measure is expected to be trimmed from its current form. (Alan Ray)

      After a long search, New York City has selected "the cab of the future." I'm going to talk about this because it's a light news week apparently. (Craig Ferguson)

      The old New York taxis won't disappear immediately, they'll just be phased out over the next few years — just like CBS news anchors. (Craig Ferguson)

      Beating out Ford and a Turkish auto company, Nissan has been awarded a billion dollar ten-year contract to provide taxicabs for the City of New York. Design features include a sight-seeing sunroof, an I-Pad plug-in and a more private "snuggle seat" for hookers and their clients. (Bob Mills

      Two Los Angeles police officers are being investigated for appearing in a porn film. It's an ego thing. They were trying to prove they're not just the long arm of the law. (Alan Ray)

      Two LAPD traffic control officers have been put on administrative leave for appearing, in uniform, in a porn film. Actually, their faces weren't identifiable, but a city Health Department doctor recognized them from their pre-employment physicals. (Bob Mills

      A Los Angeles motorist escaped injury when he plowed his car through a Del Taco restaurant, ending up in the kitchen. Police credited his driver's side air bag and three bean and onion burritos. (Bob Mills

      A 90-year old woman in San Diego, California is selling mail-order suicide kits for $60. When her age was revealed, most people were shocked. Who would have guessed there was a Mrs. Kevorkian? (Bob Mills

      Police in Middletown, New Jersey, report that a man went into a Sears store to return a weed whacker. When he was told that the garden section was closed and he'd have to come back later, he began yelling and refused to leave. Clerks called police, who told him he'd have to leave. As they were escorting him out, he allegedly hit one officer with the weed whacker and had to be subdued by several cops. He was held on $17,500 bail after being arrested on various charges. They include aggravated assault on a police office and unlawful possession of a weapon: the Sears weed whacker. His lawyer entered an insanity plea...His client is obviously a wack job.  Ironically, you know what would calm him down? Some weed. (Reeder & Ainsworth)  

      Beverly Hills grocery stores sold out of English tea on Monday as the locals prepared to host watch parties for the Royal Wedding Friday. Everyone was excited. No one in Beverly Hills ever tried English tea, but we'll inject anything into a wrinkle to see if it helps. (Argus Hamilton)

      The citizens of Antoona, Pennsylvania were paid $25,000 to temporarily change the name of the city to help promote Morgan Spurlock's new movie. They're getting spoiled. They already collected $50,000 for naming the city Altoona. (Bob Mills

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      The Republican Party will hold the first presidential candidates' debate this weekend in South Carolina. They expect at least six candidates. Fox News announced that it will moderate the debate, allowing Roger Ailes to win a bar bet that he could think of a way to get the New York Times to use the words moderate and Fox News in the same sentence. (Argus Hamilton)


      A new survey of likely voters indicates that in a hypothetical match-up between former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and billionaire Donald Trump, a majority would choose suicide over either candidate. The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute, shows Mr. Trump drawing 21%, Gov. Palin 18%, and various forms of suicide 61%. "Throwing yourself in front of a speeding city bus" was the most popular means of suicide at 22%, with "jumping off the roof of a really tall building or bridge" coming in second at 17%. (Andy Borowitz)

      THE ECONOMY


      Consumer experts say Americans are accepting $4 a gallon gasoline and won’t alter their lifestyle until it reaches $5 a gallon. To which oil companies told gasoline retailers to prepare to raise the price to $5 a gallon. (Jim Barach)

      Critics are questioning the value of an SEC “think tank”. Mostly because if the SEC had anyone who was even capable;e of thinking, they would have caught Bernard Madoff ten years ago.. (Jim Barach

      A report by the Pew Health Group says overdraft bank fees amount to a 5,000% APR loan. Leave it to the banks to come up with a policy that makes subprime mortgages look like a good deal.. (Jim Barach

      BUSINESS & LABOR


      Starbucks is quickly becoming a popular place for thieves to steal iPads, laptops, and purses. It's pretty crazy. I mean, can you imagine getting robbed while you're just trying to pay $6 for a cup of coffee? (Jimmy Fallon)

      Ronald McDonald is no longer McDonald’s official clown but executives insist that he’s been reassigned to their new Gourmet Coffee Division where as “McJuan Valdez,” he’ll appear with his mule at selected franchises touting their new “McFrappachino Latte.” (Bob Mills)    

      In a brilliant display of cross-promotion, McDonald’s has replaced the small toys in Happy Meals due to a swallowing hazard to small children.  From now on, kids will receive a coupon for a free Margarita at Applebees. (Bob Mills

      Coca-Cola is ready to celebrate their 125th year. Also celebrating Coke’s long and successful run are dentists all over the world. (Jim Barach

      The new Rand McNally world map includes over 700 islands discovered since their last map was published.  On one of them, cartographers noticed a tattered, faded sign that read “Fantasy” while human fossils discovered nearby appeared to be those of Ricardo Montalban. (Bob Mills

      TRANSPORTATION


      The FAA reshuffled top management Friday after firing seven air traffic controllers for sleeping in the tower on the job. Let's not waste good people. A poll shows that seventy percent of Americans want the fired air traffic controllers rehired as IRS auditors. (Argus Hamilton)

      Ten Delta Airlines baggage handlers were arrested for smuggling drugs into Detroit. Yeah, you can tell Delta was involved, because the drugs were supposed to be smuggled into Chicago. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Southwest Airlines closed a $1 billion deal yesterday to buy AirTran. Yeah, that's a smart business move — eliminate the only airline that was keeping you from being the world's worst airline. (Jimmy Fallon

      BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, "our warm up spill." (Conan O'Brien)

      NASA & SPACE


      Russian officials say there has been no sex in space yet. Could Captain Kirk have been right? "Space, the final frontier. Boldly going where no man has gone before." (Cam Hutchinson)

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN


      During his speech accepting the mantle of power from his brother, Raul Castro thanked John Kennedy for putting his country on the map.  Until JFK, the only “Bay of Pigs” anyone had ever heard of was the Jimmy Dean Pork Sausage processing plant in San Francisco. (Bob Mills)

      GREAT BRITAIN


      To cash in on the latest Windsor Clan romance, PBS is producing an eight-part mini-series based on Kate Middleton's pursuit of Prince William as she received advice and encouragement from a group of close school chums. Watch for it. They're calling it "Middlesex And the City." (Bob Mills

      Newlyweds William and Kate have revealed some of their wedding gifts. The Queen gave her grandson a jeweled regimental sword from the Crimean War and she gave Kate a pair of Burmudas -- designer shorts from Donna Karin and the actual island. (Bob Mills

      Seven women who live on the same street in Wales all had babies within seven weeks of each other. In a related story, Travis Henry said he had a productive trip to Wales (Cam Hutchinson)

      EUROPE


      According to a survey conducted by Psychology Today Magazine, people living in Denmark are overall the happiest humans on earth. Contrary to popular belief, absolutely nothing seems to be rotten there. (Bob Mills)

      AFRICA


      In a just world the Navy Seals would now send Moammar Kadhafi a box of Depends. (Alex Kaseberg)

      NATO bombed Gadhafi's compound in Tripoli. The bombing damaged countless antique rugs and curtains, leaving Gadhafi with absolutely nothing to wear. (Jay Leno

      THE MIDDLE EAST


      The Taliban has announced the start of a spring offensive in Afghanistan. Their military's recruitment slogan isn't very inspiring. The few, the proud, the misogynic. (Alan Ray)

      THE FAR EAST


      China, saddled with the highest rate of tobacco-related deaths in the world, has banned smoking at most indoor venues.  They realized the enormity of the problem when Vera Wang designed a kimono with a reinforced oxygen tank pocket.(Bob Mills)

      HEALTH


      "Affordable Health Care" expained: Doctor to patient who is reading a 'Menu': "First, let's see which treatable ailments are in your price range." (Go Comics)

      A new study indicates obese people have less satisfying sex lives. Researchers found that fat people having sex really stick together. (Jerry Perisho)

      SPORTS


      The 8th U. S. Circuit Court of Appeals in St. Louis overturned a district judge's ruling and reinstated the lockout of NFL players Friday.. In other words, upon further review, the ruling on the field doesn't stand. (Dwight Perry)

      New York's Radio City Music Hall hosted the NFL Draft Pick ceremony in which first pick went to the Carolina Panthers who chose top college QB Cam Newton. They came close to blowing it. The Panthers General Manager got so excited, he wrote down "Olivia Newton-John." (Bob Mills

      In the wake of bin Laden's death, the NBA has announced that it will use metal detectors at all playoff games to screen for weapons. Or as the players put it, "Uh oh." (Jimmy Fallon

      The Los Angeles Dodgers could face insolvency by July. Which will come sometime right after they are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.. (Jim Barach

      Rough few days in Los Angeles. The Dodgers found out that the team doesn’t have enough money to cover their paychecks. And the Lakers didn’t do anything to earn theirs. (Janice Hough

      The Justice Department says it has “serious questions” for the NCAA about the way the BCS is run. Apparently now that Osama Bin Laden has been killed, the nation can once again focus on what is really important.. (Jim Barach

      A Dutch soccer club has signed a one-year-old player after seeing video of him kicking balls into a toy box. And Cam Newton thinks he went early in the draft? (RJ Currie)

      Just once I'd like to hear an NBA playoff commentator say "These two teams really like each other." (RJ Currie)

      Experts say the Lakers need more points down low from Andrew Bynum. Would those be paint Bynum-bers? (RJ Currie)

      Anyone else see that Viagra advertisement on the boards to the left of the net in Game 2 in Vancouver. They really must want players to go hard into the corners. (RJ Currie)

      The NHL has cracked down on the two guys in green unitards at Canucks games, placing restrictions on their antics around the penalty box. It's the biggest fuss about green men this side of Area 51. (RJ Currie)

      The Kentucky Derby is Saturday. Thoroughbreds are unique athletes. They give new meaning to the sports phrase "leaving it on the field." (Alan Ray)

      The Kentucky Derby is Saturday. What's the thoroughbred racing term for a horse who neither wins, places, or shows? Glue. (Alan Ray

      The Royal and Ancient St. Andrews Golf Club in Scotland announced its members will vote next month on whether to allow women to join the club for the first time in four hundred years. They're trembling at Augusta National. If the pope says women, it's women. (Argus Hamilton)

      There are 72,000 centenarians living in the United States. Twenty-three of them play for the Detroit Red Wings. (Cam Hutchinson)

      I'm convinced that if Jerry Jones had the last pick in the draft, he'd try to trade down. (David Thomas)

      The Chicago Cubs were angry after the Dodgers' A.J. Ellis missed a sign and tried to steal a base with L.A. up 8-1 in the top of the fifth: Wow, I didn't realize no MLB team has ever come back from seven runs down in the fifth inning. (Torben Rolfsen)

      2,600 fans showed up on a wet Monday to see the Pirates beat the Nationals. Or as former Montreal Expos fans called it, "a really big crowd."  (Janice Hough

      The 42km Gaza Strip Marathon, the first eve

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