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Weakly Humerus News 04-23-11 Part 1 Osoma bin Ladin

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-07-11 PART 1 OSOMA BIN LADIN AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE THE ANNOUNCEMENT President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in
    Message 1 of 1 , May 7, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-07-11 


      President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That's right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans' chances in 2012. (Jimmy Fallon)

      There's one thing we should thank bin Laden for. Because of his death, for one whole day, we didn't talk about Charlie Sheen. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      What?! Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we killed him in Abottabad! Abottabad sounds like name most New Yorkers would have invented for the fictional place they would have loved to kill Bin Laden. (Jon Stewart)


      Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn’t have needles. (Stephen Colbert)

      After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Talk about hiding in plain sight. Turns out Osama owned a rent-controlled flat in Greenwich Village, was on the short list to replace Regis, and recently completed a stint as a floor manager for Charlie Sheen. (Bob Mills) 

      He was living a half a mile from Pakistan's version of West Point in a town surrounded by retired ex-military officers. Let me put it in New York City terms. Bin Laden was on 21st and Seventh Avenue; they were on 21st and Ninth Avenue. If the Pakistani military academy were Domino's, they would have been delivered to bin Laden on foot. (Jon Stewart)

      The most-wanted terrorist in the world was living in a moldy, million-dollar mansion in a gated community just outside of Islamabad. It took the CIA five years to figure out the four-digit code to get in. One important missed clue was that Osama was living at 72 Virgins Way. He might still be alive today if only he hadn't borrowed his neighbor's shoulder-mounted rocket launcher and never returned it. (Ann Coulter)

      Osama bin Laden was growing marijuana in his compound. He's in real trouble now. (David Letterman)

      Marijuana plants were found near bin Laden's compound, which explains why bin Laden's last words were, "Dude ..." (Conan O'Brien)


      Osama bin Laden lived in a compound with all of his wives for the last few years. So I guess he did suffer. (David Letterman

      Bin Laden was living in his compound with nine women and 23 children. It sounds like he was shooting a reality show for TLC. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko's. (Conan O'Brien)

      They say bin Laden lived in his compound with nine women and 23 children. I'm surprised the guy didn't shoot himself in the head. (Jay Leno)

      Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp. (Jay Leno)

      At the time of his death, Osama bin Laden had $740 sewn into his clothing. Apparently he was looking to buy this really bitchin' used surfboard on Craig's List. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Apparently, Osama bin Laden had $700 sewn into his clothing. If he escaped from the compound, the Al Qaeda leader wanted to make sure he had money for ten gallons of gas. (Frank King)

      At the time of his death, bin Laden had sewn the equivalent of $740 into his clothing. Experts say his next plan was to launch a major attack, or to rent a one-bedroom apartment in Chicago. (Conan O'Brien)

      Can you imagine what's on Osama's hard drives? I mean besides the goat pornography. (Ann Coulter)


      The CIA stepped up the search for Osama bin Laden last week after becoming as sick of royal wedding coverage as the rest of us. (Ann Coulter)

      Afghan intelligence believed Osama bin Laden was hiding in an area close to Abbottabad four years ago – but no action was taken after the claim was furiously rejected by Pakistan's then-president Pervez Musharraf, who denied any reports abbottabad man. (Author Unknown

      Pakistan is sticking to their story that they had no idea where Bin Laden was staying. When told that this defied logic, they pointed out that the current U.S. Secretary of State said she had no idea that her husband was straying. Pakistan’s claim  makes about as much sense as Bud Selig’s claim that he and MLB officials had no idea about the steroid problem. (Janice Hough

      Aides of Osama Bin Laden were reportedly using cell phones which made for a security hole in their defenses. Apparently there is something to that theory about cell phones being hazardous to your health.. (Jim Barach

      Joe Biden said sixteen congressmen knew for four months about the raid on Osama bin Laden's house but no one leaked it. Who knew Congress could keep a secret that big for so long? It makes you wonder just how much adultery there really is on Capitol Hill. (Argus Hamilton)

      The U.S. military reportedly worked with the University of Washington in a study to use crows as part of a spy network to catch Osama Bin Laden. Apparently the plan was to have the birds find Osama and then tell where he was by sending out some “tweets”.. (Jim Barach

      THE RAID

      First, Osama bin Laden was killed, then his computer was confiscated, and now the final insult: Elizabeth Hasselbeck of "The View" is writing a book about him. (Craig Ferguson)

      Osama bin Laden was killed by U. S. forces. Everyone on TV has been really happy. Glenn Beck was crying — and then he found out about Osama. (Craig Ferguson)

      Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved. (Jay Leno)  

      President Obama watched the bin Laden raid from the White House on a live TV feed transmitted through helmet cams worn by the Navy Seals. He witnessed the entire firefight in real time. Everyone in Oslo's mortified to realize they gave the Nobel Peace Prize to Jack Bauer. (Argus Hamilton)

      The White House is releasing more information on the details of that attack on Osama bin Laden. They said the helicopters were able to fly in undetected because it was 1:00 a.m. and the Pakistan air traffic controller was sound asleep. (Jay Leno

      Everyone was caught by surprise by the news of bin Laden's sudden demise at the hands of Navy Seals. It took Letterman over an hour to place an ad in the new York Times announcing open auditions to replace him. (Bob Mills

      Final Words of Osama bin Laden # 2 was: I need a house full of Navy SEALs like I need a hole in the head. (David Letterman)

      Osama's last words? "This is Abbottabad as it gets."  (Tim Hunter)

      Oddly enough, bin Laden's last words were, 'I hope you at least use this to interrupt 'Celebrity Apprentice.'' (Jimmy Fallon

      More details emerging from Osama bin Laden raid. You want to know Osama bin Laden's last words? He said "That Kate Middleton is pretty, but her sister Pippa is scorching hot." (Alex Kaseberg)

      The CIA says bin Laden's last words were, "Are you guys here about the dishwasher?" (Jimmy Kimmel

      They said bin Laden's wife tried to shield bin Laden with her body. And today Moammar Gadhafi said to his wife, "Hey honey, did you see what bin Laden's wife Susan did? It was pretty cool, don't you think honey?" (Jay Leno

      Data taken from Osama bin Laden's compound shows that Al Qaeda was planning on attacking trains in the U. S... but had to abandon the idea when it turned out even suicide bombers don't want to go on Amtrak. (Jake Novak)


      Quite a weekend! Did you folks enjoy Osama bin Laden's season finale? At least he lived long enough to see the Royal Wedding. (David Letterman)

      President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted "Celebrity Apprentice." (Craig Ferguson)

      The news of bin Laden's death interrupted this week's episode of "Celebrity Apprentice." Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday? (Conan O'Brien)

      Oddly enough, bin Laden's last words were, "I hope you at least use this to interrupt 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching "Celebrity Apprentice (Conan O'Brien


      President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, "I could have used seals?" (Conan O'Brien)

      The raid on bin Laden was carried out by an elite team of Navy SEALs called "Team 6." Not only did they kill bin Laden, they also killed Donald Trump's shot at being president. (Conan O'Brien

      Osama bin Laden is dead. We now know what he said in that Islamabad suburb when he saw Navy Seals coming into the compound. "Geez, the Neighborhood Watch group here sucks." (Alan Ray

      The SEALs made a perfectly understandable mistake. They thought Bin Laden was reaching for a gun when in fact he was just twisting around to kiss his ass goodbye. (Eli Sherman)


      They dumped bin Laden at sea so there would be now shrine. And I just found out that CBS has the same plan for me. (David Letterman)

      I just want to point out that "buried at sea" means "dumped in the ocean." This could be the best Shark Week ever. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, "the ultimate waterboarding." (Jay Leno)

      By the way, 'buried at sea'  means 'dumped in the ocean.' That’s what they did with him. They dumped him in the ocean. Now I won't feel so guilty about peeing in the water anymore when I go to the beach. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The CIA didn't want to have to schlep bin Laden's body all the way back to the states, so they gave him a one-way ticket to Davy Jones' Locker. If they thought he was hard to find, wait until they try to get the EPA to issue them a permit to pollute the Mediterranean. (Bob Mills

      There was a great editorial cartoon in the Florida newspaper after Osama's death and burial at sea. It showed him floating with a bunch of fish around him. The caption was 'He meets 72 Sturgeons'.(Doug Specter


      Just when you thought things could not get worse for Osama. You know those 72 virgins he's expecting? Turns out it is just one 72-year-old virgin. (Alex Kaseberg)

      BREAKING NEWS: Osama bin Laden disappointed at 72 really ugly virgins. (Author Unknown - on Facebook)

      Osama bin Laden was tracked down and killed in a firefight with U. S. Navy seals at his hideout in Pakistan on Sunday. It just wasn't his day. First he gets killed here on earth and then the next thing he knows he's being greeted in Paradise by seventy-two Virginians. (Argus Hamilton)

      There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans. (David Letterman)

      Osama bin Laden just met his eternal reward: 72 sturgeons (Greg Hersholdt

      On arrival, Osama was greeted by 72 surgeons. (Stan Kegel

      There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. Apparently, there was some kind of mix up and he was greeted by 72 guys named "Virgil."  (Tim Hunter)

      I heard that Bin Laden received a big box of cell phones. He got 72 Verizons. (Gary Hallock

      One translation says 72 year old virgins. The early founders of religion were great at astrology,  and may well have said 72 Virgoans. Worse still, if it turns out to actually be the old musical  instrument - 72 virginals.  (Joseph Harris)

      I'm sure there are probably more than 72 Persians in the afterlife who
      are eager to greet Osama.

      (Gary Hallock)

      I've heard many variations on this punch line this week. There must be 
      at  Least 72 versions.

      (Gary Hallock)

      I think the U.S.Navy's burying him at sea, was their attempt in helping him find those Virgin Islands. (Doug Specter

      They dumped bin Laden's body at sea, and I spoke with some clergymen that said he should be arriving in hell right about now. (David Letterman)


      The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they're doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates. (Conan O'Brien)

      Experts say the Osama bin Laden death photo will be the most viewed image in history. Second, of course, is Sharon Stone from 'Basic Instinct.'. (Jay Leno

      In a stunning flip-flop, the White House says it will not release the photo of bin Laden. Now we have to wait for Donald Trump to force them to release it. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama said he will not release the photo of Osama bin Laden's dead body. Well, there goes my Christmas card idea. (Jimmy Fallon)


      Do we trust Pakistan? Let's put it this way; if the world was a jewelry store, Pakistan would be Lindsay Lohan. (Jerry Perisho)

      In another setback for al-Qaeda, the terror network confirmed today that Osama bin Laden was the only person who knew the organization’s iTunes password. (Andy Borowitz

      The air of mystery that sustained al Qaeda all the way through Sunday night has finally been laid bare, and it looks like an ugly house that can be located in seconds on Google Maps. (Bret Stephens)

      Apparently, members of al-Qaida are online slamming the U. S. I don't understand why they're so upset. Everyone in al-Qaida just got a promotion. (Craig Ferguson)

      A report says that many in the Muslim world believe that Osama Bin Laden is still alive. Apparently "Osama" is Arabic for "Elvis". (Jim Barach)


      Bin Laden officially dead, the same week we learned Obama officially born. Weird. (Dana J Gould

      The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship. (David Letterman

      They got Bin Laden & interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win for Obama all around. (Jimmy Fallon

      President Obama has done something that no one else has been able to do. He got Donald Trump to shut up. (Jay Leno)

      Obama's even getting a little cocky. Today he held a press conference and said, 'Yeah, I was born in Kenya. What you gonna do about it?' (Jay Leno

      Poor Obama just can't win. Apparently the new "deathers" movement is demanding that he release the long form of bin Laden's death certificate. (Cathy Turner

      I wonder if Barack is tearing up the White House looking for that old George W. "Mission Accomplished" banner. (W K Amaubell

      While promoting her "Let's Move" campaign at a middle school, Michelle Obama danced the Cha-Cha, the Running Man, and the Dougie. Not to show off — she was just doing her impression of Barack after they got bin Laden. (Jimmy Fallon)


      And somewhere, George Bush is choking on a pretzel. (Rob Sheridan

      Some top Republicans are giving most of the credit for killing bin Laden to former President George W. Bush. It's kind of like when someone opens a pickle jar and you say, "Well, I loosened it." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. (Jimmy Fallon

      Why didn't the Republicans catch bin Laden the 8 years they were in office? They heard he was rich and were going to give him a tax cut instead. (Gerry Skau)


      The message is clear. President Obama is so jealous and so threatened by me he had to hunt down and kill Osama bin Laden right in the middle of my show. Obviously the President planned this whole operation and press conference to cut off my show, so, essentially, I killed Osama bin Laden. So congratulations to me, Donald Trump. You’re welcome. (Jimmy Fallon as Donald Trump

      You can't help but wonder if Donald Trump will demand that Osama bin Ladin produce a death certificate. (Joe Hickman)

      Trump is demanding to see Bin Laden death certificate. (Albert Brooks

      Donald Trump has had a busy week – the President got sweet revenge last night by making the bin Laden announcement in the middle of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' (Jimmy Kimmel)

      I should point out that on the same night Obama was ordering the Navy to kill Osama Bin Laden, his potential opponent in 2012, Donald Trump was busy firing Playmate of the Month Hope Dworaczyk. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Gov. Palin called for the White House to release pictures of Osama bin Laden, arguing, “I only read books with pictures.” (Andy Borowitz

      Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld says he isn’t surprised that Osama Bin Laden was living in luxury as opposed to the austere lifestyle he encouraged for his recruits. Who did he think he was, a member of Congress?. (Jim Barach

      What is the biggest fear of Republicans now that bin Laden is dead?  That it will be revealed that one of the Seals who killed him was gay, an atheist, or both. (Gerry Skau)

      Politicians on both sides are equally happy. Dick Cheney said he hasn't been this happy since he saw the YouTube video of the girl throwing puppies into the river. (Craig Ferguson

      I just wish Dick Cheney were alive to see this. (David Letterman

      American Indians are blasting the military’s use of “Geronimo” for Osama Bin Laden’s code name. The list was shrinking. “Darth Vader” already went to Cheney and “Satan” now belongs to Bernard Madoff.. (Jim Barach


      At times a person might say something inadvertently instead of what they intended to say, and that statement reflects their true feeling. This happened on FOX News. On receiving notice of the death of Osama Bin Laden, the Fox News anchor reported that President Obama was dead. A textbook example of the Freudian Slip. (Stan Kegel)

      Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, "President Obama saves the world." Stations on the right are going, "Obama kills fellow Muslim." (Craig Ferguson

      This is probably the biggest story of the year in the United States. It is the only story on the news. This would be – I’ll tell you what – if you’re a politician looking to have a little public men’s room sex – today was the day! (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Of all the major news networks, Fox News did not report news of Osama bin Laden's death, saying that it would air cartoons "until further notice." -- In Libya, Colonel Muammar Gaddafi issued the following official statement: "Uh-oh." (Andy Borowitz

      "Bin Laden killed" Fox News reports: "African American Male in Washington confesses to murder of elderly man" (Liam McEneaney)

      In reporting on Bin Laden's death, Fox News apologized for mispronouncing Barack Obama's name as 'George W. Bush'. (Andy Borowitz

      Twitter Just Had its CNN Moment after Bin Laden’s death: Twitter was faster, more accurate, and more entertaining than any other news source out there. (Matt Rosoff)

      It’s clear that Twitter has leveled the playing field, it’s here to stay, and will provide more and more competition for breaking the news. Journalists had better get used to it. (Ujala Sahgal)

      Rush Limbaugh declared on his radio show, "Thank God for President Obama." In other words, the apocalypse has begun. (Conan O'Brien

      How would the mainstream media have reported bin Laden's death had it happened under Bush?  Trick question! bin Laden could have hid in the west wing for 8 years and Bush wouldn't have found him. (Gerry Skau)

      THE WORLD 

      Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, 'I love all living things, but that guy was a dick. (Conan O'Brien)

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