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Weakly Humerus News 04-23-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-30-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK At a GOP event in Iowa, Mr. Trump sounded an upbeat theme: If I am given the
    Message 1 of 2 , Apr 30, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-30-11


      At a GOP event in Iowa, Mr. Trump sounded an upbeat theme: "If I am given the chance to do the same magic I did for NBC, America will be the number four country in the world." (Andy Borowitz)

      Headline: "Obama plays his Trump card" (Politico)

      Did you see Donald Trump today? He said, "I'm very proud of myself because I accomplished something no one else was able to accomplish." So basically Trump is taking credit for President Obama proving that everything Trump has been saying for the last year is a bunch of crap.  (Jay Leno

      On Sunday, following a centuries-old sacred ritual, thousands of pilgrims from many nations all over the globe excitedly gathered to follow a time-honored and hallowed tradition. But enough about Prince William's wedding. (Bob Mills)

      Zoosk, an online social-dating network, released a survey this month that found 39% of American singles would rather have a root canal than watch the royal wedding next Friday. These singles are called “straight men.” (Janice Hough

      Hubert "Hub" Schlafly, who helped invent the teleprompter, has died at age 91. When he heard the news that the inventor of the teleprompter had died, President Obama was speechless. (Rob Conrad & Jay Leno )

      U. S. Marines will soon be issued special IED-resistant shorts called "ballistic boxers," to reduce genital injuries common in Iraq and Afghanistan. In keeping with the Corps' hallowed tradition, the new underwear has been officially named "The Shorts of Tripoli." (Bob Mills)

      Authorities in Indonesia arrested 26 female caddies at a resort in Kulai, the Malaysia Star reported, because they were offering golfers an improper 2-for-1 deal -- golf help by day, sexual services that evening. Guess hubby wasn't kidding when he said he'd been out playing a round at night. (RJ Currie

      This is National Scoop the Poop Week. This has nothing to do with canines and everything to do with politicians. (Jerry Perisho)

      In the survey of happiest countries, Denmark, Sweden and Finland were the top three. U.S. came in 12th. Imagine how far our ranking will fall if we ever hear the words 'President Trump.' (Craig Ferguson)


      President Obama finally showed his birth certificate and it turns out he was born in Hawaii, of all places. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama released his birth certificate. He says he hopes this puts an end to the silliness in the media. A reporter then asked him what he thought of Pia being booted off "American Idol". (Alan Ray)

      President Obama released his birth certificate today, proving once and for all that he was born in the United States. Yep, the certificate clearly shows that he was born on the all-American street of Kalanianaole Highway at the Kapiolani Hospital in Oahu. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Donald Trump said he’d release his tax returns as soon as the president released his birth certificate, so the ball is in his court now and I know everybody is anxious to see his tax returns over the last 10 years. (Robert Gibbs)

      The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump. (Jay Leno)

      Today President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, proving once and for all he was born in this country. But you know, it never ends. Now Republican leaders are saying they want to see the placenta. (Jay Leno

      Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama's birth certificate to make sure that it's real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump's hair. (Jimmy Fallon)

      These people could have personally witnessed him being born out of an apple pie, in the middle of a Kansas wheat field, while Toby Keith sang the National Anthem – and they'd still think he was a Kenyan Muslim. (Jimmy Kimmel

      Next up, we ought to say we don't believe he's a man and refuse to let it go until he releases his penis. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Donald Trump is now attacking President Obama's grades, suggesting that he was a poor student. First it was the birth certificate, and now the grades. Trump won't be happy until he proves that Obama doesn't exist. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Aside from getting by on an iffy birth certificate, Donald Trump now claims Barack Obama's academic record raises doubts about his so-called 'degrees.' For instance, he says his undergraduate sheep skin from the University of Hawaii is signed by Do Ho. (Bob Mills)

      Donald Trump says he's glad the focus is off President Obama's birth certificate, and now he's demanding to see President Lincoln's death certificate. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama released his long-form birth certificate yesterday. So we found the birth certificate. Now it's on to bin Laden. (DaviLetterman)

      President Obama finally released his birth certificate because he said we can't afford to be distracted by "carnival barkers." Carnival barkers are now upset and say they have been offended. There goes the all-important bearded lady vote. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      After releasing the birth certificate today, he said "There's work to be done, there are real problems in this country, and we don't have time for this silliness." Then he and Michelle got on a plane and flew to Chicago to tape an episode of Oprah (Jay Leno)

      President Obama's approval rating is so low, Kenyans are thrilled to find out he was actually born in Hawaii. (Jay Leno

      In a stunning announcement that took even political insiders by surprise, President Barack Obama revealed today that he ran for President of Kenya in 2005 but was disqualified when a birth certificate surfaced showing he was born in the United States. (Andy Borowitz


      Kate and William get married Friday. The rehearsal dinner features entrees from top chefs, exquisite desserts, and the most expensive wines. Or, as the Royal family calls it, 'pot luck'. (Alan Ray)

      The marriage of Prince William and Catherine Middleton, years from now this will probably go down in history as the first wedding to involve a Queen of England since Sir Elton John tied the knot with David Furnish. (Janice Hough

      The Royal Wedding on Friday is going to be the most law-enforcement-intensive event in history. To make sure police see everything, they're using more than 500,000 security cameras. And to make sure they hear everything, they're using Prince Charles' ears. (Frank King)

      The Royal Wedding is Friday. Kate Middleton has been busy learning the family business. Yesterday, she sat on a throne and did nothing. (Alan Ray)

      Kate Middleton says she will exclude the word 'obey' from her wedding vows to Prince William. She will, however, include 'love, honor, and take Camilla out to graze.' Just exactly who does this uppity commoner think she is anyway? (Jerry Perisho)

      On the eve of her wedding, Kate Middleton was talking about riding 'The Tube'. That's the nickname she's given Prince William. (Jerry Perisho)

      With the Royal Wedding coming up, it looks like someone is getting cold feet; today Kate Middleton demanded to see Prince William's birth certificate. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The royal wedding had a minor hiccup when they realized another couple had Westminster Abbey booked for the same weekend, so the royals have to be out of there by 2:00. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Security at the Prince William-Kate Middleton wedding was tighter than anyone could have predicted. Everyone was searched and had to pass through Westminster Abbey's metal detector. Luckily, the queen has footmen so removing her shoes was no problem. (Bob Mills)

      Even if William and Kate wanted to get out of this wedding, they couldn't. They would be beheaded. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Now I know the English tabloids are rough, but I thought this headline before the Royal Wedding was a little mean: 'Camilla Parker Bowles to Throw Kate Middleton a Bridle Shower.' (Alex Kaseberg)

      A poll says that only 6% of Americans are following the royal wedding closely, with women more interested than men. Of course, that holds true for just about any wedding. (Jim Barach)

      To get more Americans to watch the royal wedding, they're now calling it "The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace." (Jay Leno)

      The seating chart for the royal wedding was released. It's good to see that they have a sense of humor. They seated Queen Elizabeth next to Queen Latifah. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      There really is nothing quite like a royal wedding. I'm just pleased that there is still an attractive young woman in the world who's never married Larry King or Hugh Hefner. (Jerry Perisho)

      A Rutgers professor says that if Prince William and Kate Middleton want a romantic, passionate marriage that lasts for decades they should take novel, exciting adventures together. Fortunately, neither one has anything that would get in the way of that like a job or any responsibilities. (Jim Barach)

      Prince William and Kate Middleton say they're not going to have a 'Fairy Tale' wedding. To demonstrate how serious they are, their fairy godmother was not invited to the wedding. (Tim Hunter)

      Can I just say that Prince Andrew is a bit too interested in the flower arrangements? (Joseph Lex)

      The Post Office is selling commemorative Royal Wedding Stamps for collecting only. They are just like the Royal Family, expensive and pretentious with no real use. (Jim Barach)


      Donald Trump found himself under renewed pressure to produce all of his authentic marriage certificates, believed to number in the thousands. (Andy Borowitz

      It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over three wives. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The New York City Board of Elections says Donald Trump hasn’t voted in any primary elections since 1989. Responded Trump. "Only the little people vote in primary elections." (Janice Hough

      Donald Trump Thursday night called the United States "not a great country" and cursed multiple times during his speech. He said he would not help struggling nations such as South Korea or Libya without payment, and promised to use swear words while negotiating with China. Trump asserted, "Our leaders are stupid, they are stupid people, it's just very, very sad. When people are screwing you, you don’t give them state dinners." Rather, he said, "McDonald’s should be served up instead." (A.P.)

      Donald Trump takes big lead over GOP rivals after demanding to see their birth certificates. (Ironic Times)

      Trump now demands proof that Obama’s mother did not take hospital workers hostage and order them to create a fake birth certificate. (Janice Hough)   

      In a piece of good news for Mr. Trump, a new poll showed a majority of likely voters agreeing with the statement, "Donald Trump being sworn in as President would be a great last scene in a Planet of the Apes remake" (Andy Borowitz)

      Do we really want Donald Trump as president? You know the first thing Trump is going to do is put his face on Mount Rushmore and change the name to Trump Rushmore. (Alex Kaseberg)

      I'm surprised Donald Trump isn't investigating whether Hawaii is an official state. A lot of vowels over there and not enough consonants. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Donald Trump says that President Obama was probably not qualified to be admitted to Ivy League schools. Although the bar was lowered quite a bit when George W. Bush got diplomas from both Yale and Harvard. (Jim Barach)

      Donald Trump is now demanding to see Obama's school records, and wants to know how he got into Harvard. We don't even know how Bush got into Harvard. (Jay Leno)

      Donald Trump doesn't think Pres. Obama was qualified to attend an Ivy League school. All of this from a guy who spends his day lavishing praise on Meatloaf. (Jerry Perisho)

      Donald Trump says President Obama plays too much golf. Trump was playing golf during the interview. Trump says the President should be at work, like negotiating a peace treaty between Gary Busey and Meatloaf. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Trump said he'll announce whether or not he's running for president on the final episode of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' He'll be surrounded by political heavyweights like Gary Busey, Latoya Jackson, and Meat Loaf. (David Letterman)

      They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas. (Jon Stewart)

      At this point you almost have to wonder, is Donald Trump part of some perverse scheme to ensure the re-election of President Obama, by assuring that no sane person will vote for the GOP candidate in 2012? (Janice Hough

      Trump was in New Hampshire, where they have the presidential primaries, and he was testing the waters to see if the country is ready for a buffoon. (David Letterman)

      Heading to Iowa in June, Donald Trump will be the keynote speaker at a Des Moines Lincoln Day Celebration where he'll claim he's actually better prepared to be president than Abe was. If Lincoln had had his hair, John Wilkes Booth might have missed. (Bob Mills)

      On CNN's new show "In the Arena," host Elliott Spitzer accused Donald Trump of "greatly exaggerating his wealth." Not really the guy to evaluate worth. Isn't he the one who thinks a night's entertainment is worth $5000? (Bob Mills)

      Elliot Spitzer claims Donald Trump has greatly exaggerated the value of his wealth. Oh, come on, I can't imagine Donald Trump to be the kind of guy who would lie about something being bigger than it is. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A group of activists who call themselves 'Balders' charged that Mr. Trump is not eligible to hold the nation's highest office because his hair does not originate from the U. S. They claim that the hair-like substance that crowns Mr. Trump's head is from a foreign country, which would mean that the candidate is less than one hundred percent American. "Trump has refused to produce a certificate of authenticity for his hair," said Leeann Selwyn, a leading Balder. "This is tantamount to a comb-over of the truth." (Andy Borowitz


      The White House Easter egg roll was held yesterday. It was a great opportunity for kids from all over the country to come to the White House and look for the president's birth certificate. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. It was a little awkward though. Donald Trump showed up and demanded to see each egg's birth certificate. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Every time a kid found an egg, Michelle Obama would make them trade it in for a low cholesterol Egg Beater. They had about 6,000 eggs, and you know who decorated them? Ex-cons. It's nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama had a ball hosting the White House Easter Egg Roll Monday on the South Lawn. Twenty thousand children enjoyed the roll, then gathered around for story time. Some guy in a bunny suit read them the story of how Rush Limbaugh stole Christmas. (Argus Hamilton


      Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to four months in jail. Lohan said, "Thank goodness! I'll save $10,000 in gas money!" (Frank King)

      Lindsay Lohan is going to jail for 120 days. But don't worry, because the Taliban guys are already digging her a tunnel. (David Letterman)

      Lindsay has to do 120 days in jail and then 400 hours of community service in a morgue. While in the morgue, she plans to visit her career. (David Letterman)

      As part of her community service, Lindsay Lohan has to perform janitorial duties at the LA County Morgue. On a brighter note, she finally found out why her agent hasn't called her in seven years. Seems she was cleaning out one of the drawers, and... (Bob Mills)

      Amid the DA's allegations that Lindsay Lohan isn't taking her legal problems seriously, the court sentenced her to four months in jail. Could be extended, though. After Lindsay left the courtroom, the judge discovered that his gavel, the stenographer's rubber fingers and the bailiff's handcuffs were missing. (Bob Mills)

      Lindsay Lohan says she may teach acting classes at a homeless shelter for her community service. Of course, most homeless people in Los Angeles are already actors who have been cut from shows cancelled by NBC. (Jim Barach)

      Lindsay Lohan urged senators to pass a bill giving gang members drug intervention while in jail. That's shrewd. She thinks helping fellow inmates get drug counseling will be enough to keep them from asking her to read their screenplays for the next thirty days. (Argus Hamilton

      Charlie Sheen said he would like to give Lindsay Lohan a hug and tell her everything will be alright. Wait, Charlie Sheen giving advice to Lindsay Lohan? That's like — Charlie Sheen giving advice to Lindsay Lohan. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Lindsay Lohan has been in and out of rehab so many times that the cafeteria named a sandwich after her. (David Letterman)

      Lindsay Lohan says she is being punished because she is a star. To which O. J. Simpson, Robert Blake and Charlie Sheen are saying "Us, too!" (Jim Barach)

      There's a new play in New York City about the life of Lindsay Lohan. The actress who played Lindsay totally stole the show -- plus a gold necklace, three rings, and a bracelet. (Jimmy Fallon)


      President Obama has begun his campaign for reelection. His theme this time is not as inspiring as it was in 2008. 'Yes, We Might'. (Alan Ray)

      A new poll shows that President Obama's approval rating is down to 41 percent. A lot of people that voted for him now say they liked him a lot better when he was a Democrat. (Jay Leno)

      Donald Trump says he's President Obama's worst nightmare. That's not true. Having to make a decision is Obama's worst nightmare. (Jay Leno)

      Pres. and Mrs. Obama traveled to Chicago Wednesday for an interview on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Everyone in her audience got their very own Hawaiian birth certificate. (Jerry Perisho)

      Michelle Obama's Boeing 737 came too close to a cargo plane. The voice recordings with the tower were intense. The pilot yelled so loud, he almost woke up the air traffic controller. (Alan Ray)

      Michelle Obama revealed that the most popular member of the Obama family is Bo the Portuguese Water Dog. It caused a big flap. President Bush's dog Barney went on cable news and demanded to see Bo's papers to prove he was born in Portugal. (Argus Hamilton)


      House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama needs to grow up. And then he burst into tears. (Jay Leno)

      Nevada U.S. Senator John Ensign resigned Friday under the cloud of a mistress payoff scandal in Washington. He's dead politically. Nevada voters are insulted he'd go to Washington and waste millions while cheating on his wife when that's what Las Vegas is for. (Argus Hamilton

      Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords is making steady progress and is even standing on her own, which is why her doctors are making sure she doesn't see the current gas prices. (Jake Novak)


      The Army will equip soldiers with Android smart phones. This is part of a new strategy in Afghanistan. Troops will drive the Taliban out in the next phase 'Operation Annoying Texting'. (Alan Ray)

      The U. S. Coast Guard has added 25 pounds to the 'average weight' of a passenger for calculating the safe capacity of ferries and charter boats. Also, life jackets formerly called 'Mae Wests' have been renamed 'Kirstie Alleys.' (Bob Mills)


      New York just passed a law that allows same-sex conjugal visits for prisoners. Isn't that pretty much what prison is? (Jimmy Fallon)

      Arizona's Governor Jan Brewer announced she will not sign the Birther Bill requiring presidential candidates to show their birth certificates. The issue caused statewide confusion. Most people in Arizona believe Birther Bill is the Confederate doctor who delivered Scarlett O'Hara's baby. (Argus Hamilton

      New Jersey had a governor, married, who decided he was a homosexual, and he was having so much fun being a homosexual that he didn't want to be governor any more, and now he wants to become a Catholic priest. I'm just going to leave the punchline up to you. (David Letterman)

      California Governor Jerry Brown has canceled plans for a new $356 million death row facility at San Quentin. Of course, there already is a $356 million state facility that houses California's most dangerous criminals, it's called "Raiders Training Camp." (Jake Novak


      The city of San Francisco is thinking of banning male circumcision for boys under age 18. I look forward to sales of the first musical album supporting this cause; it is sure to feature 'Uncut' in its title. That's it; all the real problems in San Francisco have been solved. (Jerry Perisho)

      Cleveland's nuclear power reactor began leaking Wednesday during a routine plant shutdown. Dangerous radiation is getting into the environment. The good news is, you can plug your lamps into your flower pot and no one sends you a bill for the electricity. (Argus Hamilton

      High radiation levels were found at a nuclear power plant in Ohio. What's next, high carbon levels discovered near some coal fired power plants? (Jim Barach)

      The Washington, D.C. Police Chief says that the police escort given Charlie Sheen to get him to his show on time violated protocol. He says that usually escorts are only given to members of Congress to get them to a bar before closing or out of their mistresses' apartment before their wife catches them. (Jim Barach)


      GOP House Speaker John Boehner pointed out Wednesday that the U.S. does not have to raise taxes in order to raise more federal revenue. He's so right. We could balance the federal budget just by selling videos of air traffic control screens as a cure for insomnia. (Argus Hamilton

      A newly amended budget plan proposed by Representative Paul Ryan would phase out Medicaid, replacing it with state block grants that would offer the poor and elderly vouchers to attend work camps. 'The New Ryan Plan' would save the federal and state governments $1 trillion over the next twenty years while not only teaching oft-neglected members of society valuable new skills, but teaching them that they are valuable. "And the best part is that the camps are already built," Ryan said, alluding to Kellogg Brown and Root's receipt of a Homeland Security Contract in 2006 to build a network of large detention camps across the United States. (News Mutany)

      Mitt Romney erred in saying President Obama was guilty of one of the biggest peacetime spending binges in American history. Apparently to Republicans, two wars and a military action is about as close to peace as they are willing to get. (Jim Barach)

      Milt Romney, who signed the Massachusetts' 2006 health care reform act, has

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