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Weakly Humerus News 04-23-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-23-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK A simple act of congress could reduce our current national debt of fourteen
    Message 1 of 2 , Apr 23, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-23-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      A simple act of congress could reduce our current national debt of fourteen trillion dollars by over 99%. This would be accomplished by adopting the British method of counting. In the British Commonwealth, a million-million is a billion. In the U.S. we call it a trillion. Our current national debt is about forty-five dollars for each person residing in the U.S. By changing the debt to fourteen billion, we would reduce the debt to less than five cents per person. Wouldn't you feel better if we each owed only a nickel? (Stan Kegel) 

      Beer is now cheaper than gas. Drink, don't drive. (Author Unknown)

      President Obama released his 2010 tax return. It turns out that he made $1.7 million and spent $14 trillion. (Conan O'Brien)

      The good news: President Obama has found someone who will testify in court that he was born in Hawaii. The bad news: it's Barry Bonds. (Tim Hunter)

      It looks like the end for two long-running soap operas. But enough about Manny Ramirez and Barry Bonds. (Dwight Perry) 

      The Boston Red Sox's are off to slow start: Even Cubs fans are sending sympathy notes. (Janice Hough)  

      A pharmacist in Mississippi says burglars who stole pain medication from his store are in for a surprise because the bottle was a decoy filled with kidney beans. Police expect an arrest soon as they've already picked up the thieves' scent. (RJ Currie)

      Major League Baseball has taken over day-to-day operations of the Los Angeles Dodgers. It saw how spending was out of control. I wonder if we should try this with Congress? (Tim Hunter)

      In the lead-up to Earth Day, I saw an eco-fashion show where a model's dress had a bust made from recycled computer keys. I thought she was my type.  (RJ Currie)

      Prince William and Kate Middleton are tying the knot at the end of the month: Kate has gone on record saying she likes to call her future husband 'Big Willy.' I'll bet her family is glad she's not marrying someone named Richard. (TC Chong)

      DONALD TRUMP


      Donald Trump is apparently on top among Republican voters. People are responding to his straight-forward honesty, tough talk, and utter lunacy. If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One.  (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Donald Trump says he will bring fun back to the nation's capital if he is elected President. Apparently his plan is to go before Congress every time they pass legislation he doesn't like and tell them "You're fired!" (Jim Barach)

      Donald Trump says the 'last person' Obama wants to run against is Donald Trump. Well, and yes, since President Obama would be limited to two terms I think he would LOVE the last person he runs against to be Trump. (Janice Hough)

      Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half jack and half ass. (David Letterman) 

      Donald Trump is still threatening to run for President. NBC said if Trump runs for President they will not renew 'The Apprentice.' So some good may still come out of all this. (Conan O'Brien)

      It just came out that Donald Trump once called Ronald Reagan "A con man who couldn't deliver the goods. Trump also called Abraham Lincoln "A bearded moron who couldn't even sit through an hour of theater." (Conan O'Brien)

      I'm not voting for Mitt for president in this lifetime, but really? Donald Trump today criticized Mitt Romney's business skills, saying "I'm a much bigger business man and have a much, much bigger net worth." This from a man with as many bankruptcies as wives. (Janice Hough)

      Donald Trump says he will bring fun back to the nation's capital if he is elected President. Apparently his plan is to go before Congress every time they pass legislation he doesn't like and tell them "You're fired!"  (Jim Barach) 

      Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations. (Craig Ferguson) 

      Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents -- doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem. This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole. (Lewis Black)

      In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump said he has a good relationship with 'the blacks. Well, not anymore. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: "Are you better off than you were four wives ago?" (Bill Maher)

      Do we really want Donald Trump as president? You know the first thing Trump is going to do is put his face on Mount Rushmore and change the name to Trump Rushmore. (Jerry Perisho)

      If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Remember Teddy Roosevelt's Bull Moose Party? Trump is running for the Hair Mousse Party. (Jerry Perisho)

      Donald Trump said if President Obama releases his birth certificate, he will release his tax returns. The President said, "Well I promise not to run for a second term if you release that thing on your head." (Conan O'Brien)

      Gary Busey said on the 'Today Show' yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen. (Conan O'Brien)

      Donald Trump said he'd release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since, well, Clinton probably (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as 'blue' and his hair as 'ridiculous.' (Conan O'Brien) 

      Donald Trump surged into the lead among GOP presidential primary voters in a poll released Friday. This won't help him keep his ego under control. If Donald Trump were homeless and pushing a shopping cart around town, there would be a cardboard sign on it that reads Trump Cart. (Argus Hamilton)

      Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn’t make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn't want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife? (Seth Meyers)

      On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama's birth certificate could indicate that he's a Muslim. Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka. (Conan O'Brien)

      This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole. (Lewis Black) 

      Donald Trump challenged President Obama to produce a birth certificate proving he was born in the United States. It would anger a lot of people if it turned out Obama was born in another country. The presidency is not one of the jobs that Americans refuse to do. (Argus Hamilton)

      Donald Trump went on ABC Sunday and suggested that the U. S. seize Libya's oil fields until the country's liberation is paid for. It's a new approach to foreign policy. We have allies and we have enemies, and when Donald Trump is president we will also have tenants. (Argus Hamilton)

      Think I came up with Donald Trump's campaign slogan: "Tired of being liberal? Comb-over to our side."  (Alex Kaseberg)

      Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare.  (Conan O'Brien)

      INTERNET POKER


      The Department of Justice shut down the biggest online poker sites for violating the law. None of the poker players saw it coming because they were all wearing those stupid little sunglasses. (Craig Ferguson) 

      The poker sites broke the same law that prevents the banks from transferring money to offshore accounts. Now if there's anything I've learned, it's that Uncle Sam isn't going to let banks screw people over. (Craig Ferguson) 

      President Obama's critics are lashing out over him shutting down the poker sites. Sarah Palin called it an overreaction, Tim Pawlenty said it was irrational, and Donald Trump said, "Be sure to watch 'Celebrity Apprentice.'"  (Craig Ferguson) 

      Gambling and Washington don't seem to go together at all. One's full of whores and seedy, soulless bastards and the other's the gambling industry. (Craig Ferguson)

      TAXES & THE BUDGET


      Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China. (David Letterman)

      Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Tax day got pushed back three days this year, to April 18. Lucky thing. The Pittsburgh Pirates' accountants still aren't finished adding up last year's losses. (Dwight Perry)

      Forty percent of Americans say they would rather cut their own hair than do their taxes. And then there are people that would rather do neither. I'm talking to you, Willie Nelson. (Craig Ferguson)

      The budget deal will cut almost $40 billion out of the budget. This of course is very bad news for poor people, health programs for the poor were cut $600 million; the EPA was cut $1.6 billion...The good news: they cut all the money out of repairing federal buildings. So there was a slight chance a wall will collapse on Eric Cantor. (Bill Maher)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA


      President Obama called for more shared sacrifice at a town hall Tuesday. Ever since he visited that volcano in Central America last month all he's talked about is the need for sacrifices. Republicans are starting to doubt that he is a Muslim and think he's an Aztec. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama is celebrating Passover with a Passover Seder. After hearing this, Sarah Palin said, "'Ah, so he is a Muslim." (Conan O'Brien)

      President Obama celebrated Passover with a Seder at the White House. This morning, Donald Trump demanded to see Obama's Bar Mitzvah certificate. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama's American citizenship. The Governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama, because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change. (Conan O'Brien)

      Obama will participate in a town hall meeting hosted on Facebook. So just like everyone else in America, Obama will be on Facebook when he should be working. (Conan O'Brien)

      President Obama Is in Los Angeles for a fundraiser and huge traffic delays are expected all over Los Angeles. Tomorrow, Obama will be on the East Coast — and huge traffic delays are expected in Los Angeles. (Conan O'Brien)

      President Obama is in Los Angeles raising money for his campaign and meeting with Dr. 90210 about an ear tuck. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Michelle Obama said the most popular Obama is their Portuguese Water Dog, Bo. When Donald Trump heard this, he said he wants to see that dog's papers. (Conan O'Brien)

      ADMINISTRATION


      The Obama administration plans to give the Libyan rebels $25 million in non-lethal aid. The rebels look forward to starting an offensive with Super Soakers and t-shirt canons. (Conan O'Brien)

      Joe Biden fell asleep in the audience while listening to President Obama's speech on the budget deficit. The cameras caught him snoozing away. The vice president's office said he wasn't being disrespectful, he was shooting a training film for air traffic controllers. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Department of Justice shut down the three largest online poker sites Friday for evading U. S. laws against Internet gambling. The federal laws are very strict against any form of online gambling. If you book a flight on the Internet, it has to land before midnight. (Argus Hamilton)

      Animal rights groups are suing the Obama administration on behalf of the leatherback sea turtle. As some of the longest-living sea creatures of all time, the turtles don't like what Obama is doing to Medicare. (Jake Novak)

      THE CONGRESS


      The GOP Congress passed the Ryan Budget Friday which would slash trillions from the debt and greatly reduce the budget deficit. The president warned it'll turn America into a Third World country. It could work out after we out-source all the jobs to ourselves. (Argus Hamilton)

      House Speaker John Boehner will not host a Cinco de Mayo celebration this year. Apparently there's something about those poor, defenseless piñatas being beaten with sticks that makes Boehner cry.  (Jimmy Kimmel)

      THE COURTS


      A jury has found Barry Bonds guilty of obstruction of justice. The slugger will go down in the baseball history books. He stands to break the home confinement record. (Alan Ray)

      THE MILITARY


      The mother of ex-footballer Pat Tillman is condemning Obama's appointment of Gen. Stanley MacChrystal to a presidential panel on military families because he lied to her and other mothers of soldiers killed by "friendly fire." That's not to be confused with "Bob Barker fire" -- deaths from U. S.-made weapons sold to the enemy because the price was right. (Bob Mills)

      LOCAL NEWS


      In Houston, a six-year-old shot himself in the foot and injured several day-care center classmates. Police discovered he had purchased the 9mm Glock automatic during an Easter Break Sale at "Gats-R-Us, " without the usual background check which was waived due to the purchaser's inability to write. (Bob Mills) 

      A Texas kindergartner accidentally shot himself and 2 others when he brought a gun to school.  The NRA issued a statement.  If more kindergartners carried guns, this wouldn't have happened. (Alan Ray)

      The SF Chronicle reported that during a big New Year's Eve fire at a San Francisco apartment the Division of Emergency Services' main computer lost its Internet connection, and workers couldn't get the backup system running because no one knew the password. (Janice Hough)

      Computer users who were supposed to be preparing their taxes at the Los Angeles Main Public Library were banished to a special porn section when the librarian noticed they were watching x-rated videos. They almost got away with it, too. They were all on a website called TurboSex.com (Bob Mills) 

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      According to Glenn Beck, the GOP, his own party, now wants to "politically assassinate" him, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin. Actually, no. All three are all doing a fine job of doing that themselves every time they open their mouths. (Janice Hough)

      Michele Bachmann said Planned Parenthood is the Lenscrafters of Big Abortion.' Which is a realy double-whammy because the conservatives hate Planned Parenthood and they hate Lenscrafters, because Lenscrafters makes glasses, and that could lead to reading.  (Bill Maher)

      Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood 'the Lenscrafters of abortion.' Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her 'the Costco of crazy.  (Conan O'Brien)

      The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It's great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say 'Bill Clinton Slept Here. (Craig Ferguson)

      Trump accused George Stephanopoulos of being co-opted by Obama's minions. Anyone who knows Stephanopoulos knows he's minion-proof – and lactose intolerant. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Republican Rick Santorum got rid of his campaign slogan after he found it was similar to one coined by a gay man. No word yet on why he chose, "Rick Santorum for President. I Love Penises." (Conan O'Brien)

      Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson announced his candidacy for the GOP presidential nomination. Because when the other candidates aren't generating enough excitement, it's time to bring out Gary Johnson. His real name is Gary Hussein Johnson. That's where it gets interesting. (Conan O'Brien)

      Yet another candidate has announced for the GOP presidential nomination – former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson. Johnson, who leans libertarian, supports gay marriage, abortion rights and legalizing marijuana. He also wants to slash 90 percent of the defense budget. This could be becoming a primary debate I'd pay to watch. (Janice Hough)

      Asked for her position in the Libya debate, Sarah Palen told reporters "Well, they have to go someplace." It soon became clear that she thinks Libya refers to Irish people who settle in Australia -- as in "O'Libya Newton-John." (Bob Mills) 

      Sarah Palin has a 61 percent unfavorable rating in Alaska. That number jumps to 100 percent if you only ask the animals. (Conan O'Brien)

      John McCain has joined NATO allies in urging the White House to escalate the war in Libya. He should know better than to say it'd be a quick and easy operation. Not only was John McCain in the Vietnam War, but he got the nation bogged down in Sarah Palin.  (rgus Hamilton)

      THE ECONOMY


      A survey says that Baby Boomers are saving their wealth for themselves and are not leaving an inheritance to their children. Apparently they feel it would be a waste since their kids will just spend all that money paying off the national debt the Boomers left them. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR


      A poll says that most Americans would take a pay raise over a year end bonus. Unless they are corporate CEOs and always just take both. (Jim Barach)

      The unemployment rate fell in two-thirds of the nation's states last month, as again private employers added more than 200,000 jobs. Many Republicans were dismayed, however, because the more new jobs, the less chance that Obama loses his. (Janice Hough)

      Some gas stations across the country are now charging $5 a gallon. That would really hurt if people actually had jobs to drive to. (Jake Novak)

      Coffee News USA predicted Tuesday that the pending free trade agreement between the U.S. and Colombia will help lower coffee prices. A recent survey says ninety percent of Americans drink caffeinated beverages. The other ten percent are air traffic controllers. (Argus Hamilton)

      American Airlines is suing Orbitz online service over its fare distribution system. The trial could take years. Lawyers for both sides must travel through DFW. (Alan Ray) 

      There's a new iPhone app that calculates calories by taking pictures of what you are eating. David Wells tried it and his iPhone exploded. (RJ Currie)

      There's a new iPhone app that will do your taxes for you. At this point, I don't trust my iPhone to make a phone call. (Jay Leno)

      Apple's earnings doubled in the first three months of this year, mostly because it's now cheaper to buy an iPhone than to fill up your SUV. (Jake Novak)

      Apple earnings nearly doubled for the second quarter from sales of the iPhone. Mostly because now that AT&T isn't the exclusive service provider, people are finding it actually can be used to make phone calls now. (Jim Barach)

      A court has rejected a copyright claim by Mattel against the makers of Bratz Dolls. It's the first time Bratz have made legal news since Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan settled their cases. (Jim Barach)

      CEO pay in the U. S. was up 23% in 2010. Apparently corporations had to do something with all that money they aren't having to pay the employees they don't have anymore. (Jim Barach)

      TRANSPORTATION


      Toyota says it will get back to normal production in November or December, when it will start selling cars the glow for Christmas. (Jake Novak)

      Toyota will start measuring radiation levels in vehicles being exported to the U. S. Instead of a warranty covering time and mileage, it will be based on the half life of Uranium-238. (Jim Barach)

      The government will give air traffic controllers an extra hour off between shifts. Other remedies are in place to make sure they don’t fall asleep. United will provide them with airline pillows. (Alan Ray)

      The FAA has suspended an air traffic controller for watching a movie while on the job. The guy explained that he just couldn't get to sleep. (Conan O'Brien)

      Today federal agents discovered another sleeper cell. Not terrorists, air traffic controllers. A controller in Reno fell asleep while a medical plane carrying a sick passenger was trying to land. Ironically, do you know what the patient was suffering from? Insomnia."  (Jay Leno) 

      Staffers at Virgin Atlantic Airlines were surveyed about the strangest things people had tried to check in as luggage. Like: a car engine, a bath tub, a dead cow, a tarantula hidden in a lady's coat, a giant wheel of cheese, and a bag of cutlery stolen from a previous Virgin Airlines flight. That would come in handy for carving up the dead cow.
      The bathtub was because the moist towelettes just don't do the job. 
      When you get on a plane these days, it might be a good idea to bring a spare engine along. 
      In response to this, Virgin has just added a $35 fee for each dead cow.  (Reeder & Ainsworth) 

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT


      Charles Manson has broken his 20-year silence to speak out against global warming. If released, he promises to only kill people with recycled knives. (Jake Novak)

      SECURITY


      The U. S. Department of Homeland Security has scrapped the oft-ridiculed color-coded terrorist threat levels in favor of a two-warning system that will declare threats "Elevated" or "Imminent." The threats themselves will be limited to suicide bombings, poison gas attacks, assassinations and any multi-city tours hosted by Charlie Sheen. (Bob Mills)

      IMMIGRATION


      President Obama promoted immigration amnesty at the White House Monday. Reaction was swift. Mitt Romney called the idea dangerous, Sarah Palin called it irresponsible, and Donald Trump asked everyone not to forget to watch Celebrity Apprentice Wednesday. (Argus Hamilton)

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN


      Cuba’s president Raul Castro has succeeded his brother Fidel as head of the Communist Party. He’s got three words for his opposition. “Ready, aim, fire." (Alan Ray)

      Raul Castro is proposing term limits for politicians in Cuba. Apparently after Fidel Castro left office it was determined that 52 years is just about long enough. (Jim Barach) 

      GREAT BRITAIN


      The Royal wedding is April 29. The ceremony will feature all the traditional trappings. For the something blue, the bride will have a lock of Queen Elizabeth’s hair. (Alan Ray)

      Kate Middleton, a possible future Queen of England, has had her own coat of arms designed by Thomas Woodcock, L

      (Message over 64 KB, truncated)
    • Stan Kegel
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-30-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK At a GOP event in Iowa, Mr. Trump sounded an upbeat theme: If I am given the
      Message 2 of 2 , Apr 30, 2011
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        WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-30-11
        AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

        TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

        At a GOP event in Iowa, Mr. Trump sounded an upbeat theme: "If I am given the chance to do the same magic I did for NBC, America will be the number four country in the world." (Andy Borowitz)

        Headline: "Obama plays his Trump card" (Politico)

        Did you see Donald Trump today? He said, "I'm very proud of myself because I accomplished something no one else was able to accomplish." So basically Trump is taking credit for President Obama proving that everything Trump has been saying for the last year is a bunch of crap.  (Jay Leno

        On Sunday, following a centuries-old sacred ritual, thousands of pilgrims from many nations all over the globe excitedly gathered to follow a time-honored and hallowed tradition. But enough about Prince William's wedding. (Bob Mills)

        Zoosk, an online social-dating network, released a survey this month that found 39% of American singles would rather have a root canal than watch the royal wedding next Friday. These singles are called “straight men.” (Janice Hough

        Hubert "Hub" Schlafly, who helped invent the teleprompter, has died at age 91. When he heard the news that the inventor of the teleprompter had died, President Obama was speechless. (Rob Conrad & Jay Leno )

        U. S. Marines will soon be issued special IED-resistant shorts called "ballistic boxers," to reduce genital injuries common in Iraq and Afghanistan. In keeping with the Corps' hallowed tradition, the new underwear has been officially named "The Shorts of Tripoli." (Bob Mills)

        Authorities in Indonesia arrested 26 female caddies at a resort in Kulai, the Malaysia Star reported, because they were offering golfers an improper 2-for-1 deal -- golf help by day, sexual services that evening. Guess hubby wasn't kidding when he said he'd been out playing a round at night. (RJ Currie

        This is National Scoop the Poop Week. This has nothing to do with canines and everything to do with politicians. (Jerry Perisho)

        In the survey of happiest countries, Denmark, Sweden and Finland were the top three. U.S. came in 12th. Imagine how far our ranking will fall if we ever hear the words 'President Trump.' (Craig Ferguson)

        OBAMA'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE


        President Obama finally showed his birth certificate and it turns out he was born in Hawaii, of all places. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        President Obama released his birth certificate. He says he hopes this puts an end to the silliness in the media. A reporter then asked him what he thought of Pia being booted off "American Idol". (Alan Ray)

        President Obama released his birth certificate today, proving once and for all that he was born in the United States. Yep, the certificate clearly shows that he was born on the all-American street of Kalanianaole Highway at the Kapiolani Hospital in Oahu. (Jimmy Fallon)

        Donald Trump said he’d release his tax returns as soon as the president released his birth certificate, so the ball is in his court now and I know everybody is anxious to see his tax returns over the last 10 years. (Robert Gibbs)

        The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump. (Jay Leno)

        Today President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, proving once and for all he was born in this country. But you know, it never ends. Now Republican leaders are saying they want to see the placenta. (Jay Leno

        Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama's birth certificate to make sure that it's real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump's hair. (Jimmy Fallon)

        These people could have personally witnessed him being born out of an apple pie, in the middle of a Kansas wheat field, while Toby Keith sang the National Anthem – and they'd still think he was a Kenyan Muslim. (Jimmy Kimmel

        Next up, we ought to say we don't believe he's a man and refuse to let it go until he releases his penis. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        Donald Trump is now attacking President Obama's grades, suggesting that he was a poor student. First it was the birth certificate, and now the grades. Trump won't be happy until he proves that Obama doesn't exist. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        Aside from getting by on an iffy birth certificate, Donald Trump now claims Barack Obama's academic record raises doubts about his so-called 'degrees.' For instance, he says his undergraduate sheep skin from the University of Hawaii is signed by Do Ho. (Bob Mills)

        Donald Trump says he's glad the focus is off President Obama's birth certificate, and now he's demanding to see President Lincoln's death certificate. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        President Obama released his long-form birth certificate yesterday. So we found the birth certificate. Now it's on to bin Laden. (DaviLetterman)

        President Obama finally released his birth certificate because he said we can't afford to be distracted by "carnival barkers." Carnival barkers are now upset and say they have been offended. There goes the all-important bearded lady vote. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        After releasing the birth certificate today, he said "There's work to be done, there are real problems in this country, and we don't have time for this silliness." Then he and Michelle got on a plane and flew to Chicago to tape an episode of Oprah (Jay Leno)

        President Obama's approval rating is so low, Kenyans are thrilled to find out he was actually born in Hawaii. (Jay Leno

        In a stunning announcement that took even political insiders by surprise, President Barack Obama revealed today that he ran for President of Kenya in 2005 but was disqualified when a birth certificate surfaced showing he was born in the United States. (Andy Borowitz

        THE ROYAL WEDDING


        Kate and William get married Friday. The rehearsal dinner features entrees from top chefs, exquisite desserts, and the most expensive wines. Or, as the Royal family calls it, 'pot luck'. (Alan Ray)

        The marriage of Prince William and Catherine Middleton, years from now this will probably go down in history as the first wedding to involve a Queen of England since Sir Elton John tied the knot with David Furnish. (Janice Hough

        The Royal Wedding on Friday is going to be the most law-enforcement-intensive event in history. To make sure police see everything, they're using more than 500,000 security cameras. And to make sure they hear everything, they're using Prince Charles' ears. (Frank King)

        The Royal Wedding is Friday. Kate Middleton has been busy learning the family business. Yesterday, she sat on a throne and did nothing. (Alan Ray)

        Kate Middleton says she will exclude the word 'obey' from her wedding vows to Prince William. She will, however, include 'love, honor, and take Camilla out to graze.' Just exactly who does this uppity commoner think she is anyway? (Jerry Perisho)

        On the eve of her wedding, Kate Middleton was talking about riding 'The Tube'. That's the nickname she's given Prince William. (Jerry Perisho)

        With the Royal Wedding coming up, it looks like someone is getting cold feet; today Kate Middleton demanded to see Prince William's birth certificate. (Alex Kaseberg)

        The royal wedding had a minor hiccup when they realized another couple had Westminster Abbey booked for the same weekend, so the royals have to be out of there by 2:00. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        Security at the Prince William-Kate Middleton wedding was tighter than anyone could have predicted. Everyone was searched and had to pass through Westminster Abbey's metal detector. Luckily, the queen has footmen so removing her shoes was no problem. (Bob Mills)

        Even if William and Kate wanted to get out of this wedding, they couldn't. They would be beheaded. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        Now I know the English tabloids are rough, but I thought this headline before the Royal Wedding was a little mean: 'Camilla Parker Bowles to Throw Kate Middleton a Bridle Shower.' (Alex Kaseberg)

        A poll says that only 6% of Americans are following the royal wedding closely, with women more interested than men. Of course, that holds true for just about any wedding. (Jim Barach)

        To get more Americans to watch the royal wedding, they're now calling it "The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace." (Jay Leno)

        The seating chart for the royal wedding was released. It's good to see that they have a sense of humor. They seated Queen Elizabeth next to Queen Latifah. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        There really is nothing quite like a royal wedding. I'm just pleased that there is still an attractive young woman in the world who's never married Larry King or Hugh Hefner. (Jerry Perisho)

        A Rutgers professor says that if Prince William and Kate Middleton want a romantic, passionate marriage that lasts for decades they should take novel, exciting adventures together. Fortunately, neither one has anything that would get in the way of that like a job or any responsibilities. (Jim Barach)

        Prince William and Kate Middleton say they're not going to have a 'Fairy Tale' wedding. To demonstrate how serious they are, their fairy godmother was not invited to the wedding. (Tim Hunter)

        Can I just say that Prince Andrew is a bit too interested in the flower arrangements? (Joseph Lex)

        The Post Office is selling commemorative Royal Wedding Stamps for collecting only. They are just like the Royal Family, expensive and pretentious with no real use. (Jim Barach)

        DONALD TRUMP


        Donald Trump found himself under renewed pressure to produce all of his authentic marriage certificates, believed to number in the thousands. (Andy Borowitz

        It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over three wives. (Jimmy Fallon)

        The New York City Board of Elections says Donald Trump hasn’t voted in any primary elections since 1989. Responded Trump. "Only the little people vote in primary elections." (Janice Hough

        Donald Trump Thursday night called the United States "not a great country" and cursed multiple times during his speech. He said he would not help struggling nations such as South Korea or Libya without payment, and promised to use swear words while negotiating with China. Trump asserted, "Our leaders are stupid, they are stupid people, it's just very, very sad. When people are screwing you, you don’t give them state dinners." Rather, he said, "McDonald’s should be served up instead." (A.P.)

        Donald Trump takes big lead over GOP rivals after demanding to see their birth certificates. (Ironic Times)

        Trump now demands proof that Obama’s mother did not take hospital workers hostage and order them to create a fake birth certificate. (Janice Hough)   

        In a piece of good news for Mr. Trump, a new poll showed a majority of likely voters agreeing with the statement, "Donald Trump being sworn in as President would be a great last scene in a Planet of the Apes remake" (Andy Borowitz)

        Do we really want Donald Trump as president? You know the first thing Trump is going to do is put his face on Mount Rushmore and change the name to Trump Rushmore. (Alex Kaseberg)

        I'm surprised Donald Trump isn't investigating whether Hawaii is an official state. A lot of vowels over there and not enough consonants. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        Donald Trump says that President Obama was probably not qualified to be admitted to Ivy League schools. Although the bar was lowered quite a bit when George W. Bush got diplomas from both Yale and Harvard. (Jim Barach)

        Donald Trump is now demanding to see Obama's school records, and wants to know how he got into Harvard. We don't even know how Bush got into Harvard. (Jay Leno)

        Donald Trump doesn't think Pres. Obama was qualified to attend an Ivy League school. All of this from a guy who spends his day lavishing praise on Meatloaf. (Jerry Perisho)

        Donald Trump says President Obama plays too much golf. Trump was playing golf during the interview. Trump says the President should be at work, like negotiating a peace treaty between Gary Busey and Meatloaf. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        Trump said he'll announce whether or not he's running for president on the final episode of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' He'll be surrounded by political heavyweights like Gary Busey, Latoya Jackson, and Meat Loaf. (David Letterman)

        They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas. (Jon Stewart)

        At this point you almost have to wonder, is Donald Trump part of some perverse scheme to ensure the re-election of President Obama, by assuring that no sane person will vote for the GOP candidate in 2012? (Janice Hough

        Trump was in New Hampshire, where they have the presidential primaries, and he was testing the waters to see if the country is ready for a buffoon. (David Letterman)

        Heading to Iowa in June, Donald Trump will be the keynote speaker at a Des Moines Lincoln Day Celebration where he'll claim he's actually better prepared to be president than Abe was. If Lincoln had had his hair, John Wilkes Booth might have missed. (Bob Mills)

        On CNN's new show "In the Arena," host Elliott Spitzer accused Donald Trump of "greatly exaggerating his wealth." Not really the guy to evaluate worth. Isn't he the one who thinks a night's entertainment is worth $5000? (Bob Mills)

        Elliot Spitzer claims Donald Trump has greatly exaggerated the value of his wealth. Oh, come on, I can't imagine Donald Trump to be the kind of guy who would lie about something being bigger than it is. (Alex Kaseberg)

        A group of activists who call themselves 'Balders' charged that Mr. Trump is not eligible to hold the nation's highest office because his hair does not originate from the U. S. They claim that the hair-like substance that crowns Mr. Trump's head is from a foreign country, which would mean that the candidate is less than one hundred percent American. "Trump has refused to produce a certificate of authenticity for his hair," said Leeann Selwyn, a leading Balder. "This is tantamount to a comb-over of the truth." (Andy Borowitz

        THE WHITE HOUSE EASTER EGG ROLL


        The White House Easter egg roll was held yesterday. It was a great opportunity for kids from all over the country to come to the White House and look for the president's birth certificate. (Jimmy Kimmel)

        President Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. It was a little awkward though. Donald Trump showed up and demanded to see each egg's birth certificate. (Jimmy Fallon)

        Every time a kid found an egg, Michelle Obama would make them trade it in for a low cholesterol Egg Beater. They had about 6,000 eggs, and you know who decorated them? Ex-cons. It's nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress. (Jay Leno)

        President Obama had a ball hosting the White House Easter Egg Roll Monday on the South Lawn. Twenty thousand children enjoyed the roll, then gathered around for story time. Some guy in a bunny suit read them the story of how Rush Limbaugh stole Christmas. (Argus Hamilton

        LINDSAY LOHAN


        Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to four months in jail. Lohan said, "Thank goodness! I'll save $10,000 in gas money!" (Frank King)

        Lindsay Lohan is going to jail for 120 days. But don't worry, because the Taliban guys are already digging her a tunnel. (David Letterman)

        Lindsay has to do 120 days in jail and then 400 hours of community service in a morgue. While in the morgue, she plans to visit her career. (David Letterman)

        As part of her community service, Lindsay Lohan has to perform janitorial duties at the LA County Morgue. On a brighter note, she finally found out why her agent hasn't called her in seven years. Seems she was cleaning out one of the drawers, and... (Bob Mills)

        Amid the DA's allegations that Lindsay Lohan isn't taking her legal problems seriously, the court sentenced her to four months in jail. Could be extended, though. After Lindsay left the courtroom, the judge discovered that his gavel, the stenographer's rubber fingers and the bailiff's handcuffs were missing. (Bob Mills)

        Lindsay Lohan says she may teach acting classes at a homeless shelter for her community service. Of course, most homeless people in Los Angeles are already actors who have been cut from shows cancelled by NBC. (Jim Barach)

        Lindsay Lohan urged senators to pass a bill giving gang members drug intervention while in jail. That's shrewd. She thinks helping fellow inmates get drug counseling will be enough to keep them from asking her to read their screenplays for the next thirty days. (Argus Hamilton

        Charlie Sheen said he would like to give Lindsay Lohan a hug and tell her everything will be alright. Wait, Charlie Sheen giving advice to Lindsay Lohan? That's like — Charlie Sheen giving advice to Lindsay Lohan. (Jimmy Fallon)

        Lindsay Lohan has been in and out of rehab so many times that the cafeteria named a sandwich after her. (David Letterman)

        Lindsay Lohan says she is being punished because she is a star. To which O. J. Simpson, Robert Blake and Charlie Sheen are saying "Us, too!" (Jim Barach)

        There's a new play in New York City about the life of Lindsay Lohan. The actress who played Lindsay totally stole the show -- plus a gold necklace, three rings, and a bracelet. (Jimmy Fallon)

        PRESIDENT OBAMA


        President Obama has begun his campaign for reelection. His theme this time is not as inspiring as it was in 2008. 'Yes, We Might'. (Alan Ray)

        A new poll shows that President Obama's approval rating is down to 41 percent. A lot of people that voted for him now say they liked him a lot better when he was a Democrat. (Jay Leno)

        Donald Trump says he's President Obama's worst nightmare. That's not true. Having to make a decision is Obama's worst nightmare. (Jay Leno)

        Pres. and Mrs. Obama traveled to Chicago Wednesday for an interview on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Everyone in her audience got their very own Hawaiian birth certificate. (Jerry Perisho)

        Michelle Obama's Boeing 737 came too close to a cargo plane. The voice recordings with the tower were intense. The pilot yelled so loud, he almost woke up the air traffic controller. (Alan Ray)

        Michelle Obama revealed that the most popular member of the Obama family is Bo the Portuguese Water Dog. It caused a big flap. President Bush's dog Barney went on cable news and demanded to see Bo's papers to prove he was born in Portugal. (Argus Hamilton)

        THE CONGRESS


        House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama needs to grow up. And then he burst into tears. (Jay Leno)

        Nevada U.S. Senator John Ensign resigned Friday under the cloud of a mistress payoff scandal in Washington. He's dead politically. Nevada voters are insulted he'd go to Washington and waste millions while cheating on his wife when that's what Las Vegas is for. (Argus Hamilton

        Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords is making steady progress and is even standing on her own, which is why her doctors are making sure she doesn't see the current gas prices. (Jake Novak)

        THE MILITARY


        The Army will equip soldiers with Android smart phones. This is part of a new strategy in Afghanistan. Troops will drive the Taliban out in the next phase 'Operation Annoying Texting'. (Alan Ray)

        The U. S. Coast Guard has added 25 pounds to the 'average weight' of a passenger for calculating the safe capacity of ferries and charter boats. Also, life jackets formerly called 'Mae Wests' have been renamed 'Kirstie Alleys.' (Bob Mills)

        THE STATES


        New York just passed a law that allows same-sex conjugal visits for prisoners. Isn't that pretty much what prison is? (Jimmy Fallon)

        Arizona's Governor Jan Brewer announced she will not sign the Birther Bill requiring presidential candidates to show their birth certificates. The issue caused statewide confusion. Most people in Arizona believe Birther Bill is the Confederate doctor who delivered Scarlett O'Hara's baby. (Argus Hamilton

        New Jersey had a governor, married, who decided he was a homosexual, and he was having so much fun being a homosexual that he didn't want to be governor any more, and now he wants to become a Catholic priest. I'm just going to leave the punchline up to you. (David Letterman)

        California Governor Jerry Brown has canceled plans for a new $356 million death row facility at San Quentin. Of course, there already is a $356 million state facility that houses California's most dangerous criminals, it's called "Raiders Training Camp." (Jake Novak

        LOCAL NEWS


        The city of San Francisco is thinking of banning male circumcision for boys under age 18. I look forward to sales of the first musical album supporting this cause; it is sure to feature 'Uncut' in its title. That's it; all the real problems in San Francisco have been solved. (Jerry Perisho)

        Cleveland's nuclear power reactor began leaking Wednesday during a routine plant shutdown. Dangerous radiation is getting into the environment. The good news is, you can plug your lamps into your flower pot and no one sends you a bill for the electricity. (Argus Hamilton

        High radiation levels were found at a nuclear power plant in Ohio. What's next, high carbon levels discovered near some coal fired power plants? (Jim Barach)

        The Washington, D.C. Police Chief says that the police escort given Charlie Sheen to get him to his show on time violated protocol. He says that usually escorts are only given to members of Congress to get them to a bar before closing or out of their mistresses' apartment before their wife catches them. (Jim Barach)

        U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

        GOP House Speaker John Boehner pointed out Wednesday that the U.S. does not have to raise taxes in order to raise more federal revenue. He's so right. We could balance the federal budget just by selling videos of air traffic control screens as a cure for insomnia. (Argus Hamilton

        A newly amended budget plan proposed by Representative Paul Ryan would phase out Medicaid, replacing it with state block grants that would offer the poor and elderly vouchers to attend work camps. 'The New Ryan Plan' would save the federal and state governments $1 trillion over the next twenty years while not only teaching oft-neglected members of society valuable new skills, but teaching them that they are valuable. "And the best part is that the camps are already built," Ryan said, alluding to Kellogg Brown and Root's receipt of a Homeland Security Contract in 2006 to build a network of large detention camps across the United States. (News Mutany)

        Mitt Romney erred in saying President Obama was guilty of one of the biggest peacetime spending binges in American history. Apparently to Republicans, two wars and a military action is about as close to peace as they are willing to get. (Jim Barach)

        Milt Romney, who signed the Massachusetts' 2006 health care reform act, has

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