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Weakly Humerus News 04-16-11

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  • Stan
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-16-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK After intense last minute negotiations, a deal was reached that will avoid a
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 16, 2011

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-16-11


      After intense last minute negotiations, a deal was reached that will avoid a government shutdown. The Democrats and Republicans worked together on this one with one common goal -- to screw each other. (David Letterman

      The Federal Trade Commission says for the 11th year in a row the biggest consumer complaint is identity theft, which led President Obama to say, "That's why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate." (Jay Leno

      Rihanna says she gets so frustrated with the way Britney Spears behaves, that she would just like to spank her. The three words that popped in my mind? Pay per view!" (Tim Hunter

      Close to 98 percent of sexually active Catholic women in the United States have used contraceptive methods banned by the church. This compares to only about 45 percent of Catholic priests. (RJ Currie)

      California is trying to ban smoking in tobacco shops. That follows the state's effective ban of learning in its public schools. (Jake Novak)

      Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian live such busy separate lives that they have to schedule sex. Please tell me that this doesn't include a 24-second clock.  (Bill Littlejohn)

      'Hustler' publisher Larry Flynt has written a book about the sex lives of American Presidents. The highlights are the chapter on Jefferson, the chapter on Garfield and the first 125 chapters on Clinton. (Conan O'Brien

      Donald Trump will drive the pace car at the Indy 500. Doesn't this give new meaning to hairpin curve? (Cam Hutchinson)  

      It was so lovely today in New York that Charlie Sheen was bombing in the park. So beautiful Southwest Airlines put in screens. So nice in D. C. that President Obama was fanning himself with his birth certificate. (David Letterman

      Rory McIlroy's clubs arrived late for a tournament he was playing in Malaysia. Apparently they were accidentally sent to Japan because they have so much experience in dealing with a meltdown. (Jim Barach)

      The air traffic controllers are sleeping, the TSA is groping you, and the pilots are drunk. Who would have thought the most reliable workers at the airport would be the baggage handlers? (Jay Leno


      Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything. (Jimmy Kimmel

      Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn't want to let any reality get in the way of his reality show. (Jay Leno

      Donald Trump will officially announce his candidacy for President on "The Apprentice." Well, this ought to dissuade all the detractors who say Trump is just running to get free publicity for his television show. (Janice Hough)

      Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know. (David Letterman

      Donald Trump says he has never been more serious about running for president and that this is not a publicity stunt -- but make sure to watch the announcement on the season finale of “Celebrity Apprentice.” (Jimmy Kimmel

      The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. That seems a little high. (David Letterman) 

      In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network Donald Trump said "I believe in god." But of course Donald thought he was talking about himself. (Jay Leno

      Donald Trump accepted the invitation of Iowa Republicans to speak at their Lincoln Day fundraising banquet held in Des Moines in June. This means he must be running for president. The only other time you see a New Yorker in Iowa is when the plane crashes. (Argus Hamilton

      Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump accepted the invitation on Thursday to fly down to Florida and address Tea Party members at the Tea Party convention in Boca Raton. He's still new to politics. He thinks he is there to tell Starbucks that it's fired. (Argus Hamilton

      Donald Trump is reported to be "thrilled" that he's been chosen to drive the pace car at this year's Indianapolis 500. Another first: At the finish, instead of waving a checkered flag, they'll wave Lindsay Lohan's checkered past. (Bob Mills

      Donald Trump is doing well in the polls. He's in second place among Republican voters. Among tea partyers, he's in first place. Although to be fair, in the tea party poll, Chuck Norris is in second place and third place is an AK-47. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Donald Trump surged in the GOP primary voters polls Tuesday, doubling the number of support from ten to twenty percent. The way he did it was novel. He took last week's ten percent support and combed it over, which gave him the appearance of twenty percent. (Argus Hamilton

      Donald Trump came out of nowhere to trail Mitt Romney by a few points among GOP primary voters for president Thursday. After he questioned the president's birth certificate he went up in the polls. It didn't reassure the electorate Friday when Obama's advisers leaked plans to build his presidential library on the International Space Station. (Argus Hamilton

      Donald Trump keeps creeping up in the polls and is now is so popular among Republican voters, Sarah Palin may become his running-mate. He told friends he's confident he can win -- not the office, the actual White House. He plans to tear it down to make room for a 66- story condominium complex for Republicans to be called "Trumpatopia." (Bob Mills)

      If Donald Trump is serious about this "running for president" stuff, he'll need a theme song. How about Mellissa Etheridge's song, "I wanna comb-over"? (Tim Hunter

      Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.' (David Letterman)

      Critics say it’s illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It’s also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn’t born in this country. (Conan O'Brien

      Trump said, 'I am Obama's worst nightmare.' Really? Worse than Oprah hiding in the Lincoln Bedroom in a string bikini?" (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The White House ripped Donald Trump for always harping about President Obama's birth certificate. Democrats did get some good news. Donald Trump just had his annual physical and the doctor told him he was as sound as the dollar, so he can't last much longer. (Argus Hamilton

      Bill Cosby and Donald Trump are in a nasty feud over Trump hinting at a presidential run. Which is odd because old weird Harold is a "Cosby Kids" character and old weird Harold is also the name of that thing on Trump's head. (Alex Kaseberg)  

      Political experts are saying NBC should take 'Celebrity Apprentice' off the air because if Trump runs for president, he could use it as an unfair platform. Because nothing says 'leader of the free world' like someone who can't stop a fight between Meat Loaf and Gary Busey. (Conan O'Brien


      President Obama will lay out his budget cutting plan this afternoon. He's expected to call for controversial measures like higher taxes, less defense spending, and leasing the Oval Office for one of Charlie Sheen's parties. (Jake Novak)

      President Obama has announced that he wants four trillion dollars trimmed off of the budget deficit. His advisors informed him that he could do that by not re-trying Barry Bonds. (Janice Hough)

      The White House couldn't agree on budget cuts with the GOP Congress Thursday. There is no trust. Democrats believe in their souls that Republicans want to slash Medicare, reduce Social Security and replace the Department of Education with the Glenn Beck Show. (Argus Hamilton

      Open question to Tea Party members: So if we are going to slash spending, which foods should the FDA and USDA stop inspecting and regulating? Meat, fruit, vegetables? All of them? Should we just put all producers and growers on the honor system? And while we're at it, slash the FAA inspection budget too. It's not like planes are falling apart in the sky or running into each other on the ground. Oops, never mind. (Janice Hough)

      If the government shuts down, senior citizens will still receive their checks, but no one will be around to answer questions about their benefits. So it will be pretty much business as usual. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama used some faulty math to claim bigger cuts in his budget speech yesterday. But since he's also still supporting unionized teachers, it's not likely too many people in America will know enough math to notice. (Jake Novak)

      House Speaker John Boehner says the government shouldn't get paid if there's a shutdown. Shouldn't we be getting a refund for every day they close it down? (Jay Leno)

      House Republicans tried to pass an emergency bill on Thursday which would pay U. S. military members their salaries in case of a government shutdown. We have to pay our troops. We can't risk that they might defect to the Iraqi Army just so the CIA could pay them in cash. (Argus Hamilton

      Funny, but a week ago today we were worried that our government might shut down. Now some of us are afraid it's going to keep going.  (Tim Hunter

      House Republicans and Senate Democrats finally reached a budget deal five minutes before a midnight government shutdown late Friday. Hundreds of jobs were lost due to the length of the negotiations. It was the slowest night of the year for D. C. escort services. (Argus Hamilton

      Republicans and Democrats have agreed to a deal. After intense negotiations, they agreed on a budget deal and a short-term funding extension to keep this country not moving forward. (Jimmy Kimmel

      To avoid a shutdown, the government cut $39 billion from the budget. The first thing to go was 'Real Housewives of D. C.' (Conan O'Brien

      A government shutdown has been averted. Among federal employees, the uncertainty has lifted. Workers can now continue to call in sick. (Alan Ray)

      The good news is, the government is up and running, the same as before. The bad news is, the government is up and running, the same as before. (Jay Leno

      Today President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes, We Can' to 'Have It Your Way.'" (Bill Maher)

      I almost didn't come to work today. I'm so depressed we still have a government. And we could have blamed it on the Democrats. (Stephen Colbert)


      We all know now that Barry Bonds, along with a pretty significant number of players, took steroids. But how many Giants fans cheering as Bonds approached Aaron's record really thought he was clean? My guess, about as many as voted for Bill Clinton thinking he was a faithful husband. (Janice Hough)

      Barry Bonds's case went to the jury in San Francisco Friday. There was an innocent explanation for all the syringes, steroids, HGH and blood transfusion equipment found in the garage. He and his kids were just trying to build a Schwarzenegger from scratch. (Argus Hamilton

      Barry Bonds was charged with obstruction of justice, as well as obstructing anyone that sat behind him in a movie theater. (Jimmy Kimmel

      It's day #2 of Barry Bonds jury deliberations. At one point they asked for his batting helmet in the jury room; they wanted to use it as a hot tub. (Jerry Perisho)

      Well folks, this just in: a federal jury found Barry Bonds guilty on one count. Barry Bonds guilty on one count and could serve 21 months in prison. So that should be a lesson. If you're a celebrity and you use drugs, and you want to avoid prison, you better be Charlie Sheen. (Jay Leno

      Barry Bonds was convicted of obstruction of justice Wednesday in San Francisco. He joins Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa in steroid disgrace. By the time the home run record is returned to the Maris family, it will have made more wrong turns than Amelia Earhart. (Argus Hamilton

      Just wondering, they want to cut healthcare funding, welfare, education. Where were all the Tea Party members protesting the waste of government money at the Barry Bonds trial? (Janice Hough)


      A Southwest Airlines plane had a huge piece of the roof fall off because the plane was so old. "We are now pre-boarding all passengers who like the feel of wind in their hair." (Alex Kaseberg)

      I see that Southwest Airlines is offering 10% off. Not the airfares, just the jets. (Tim Hunter

      Southwest Airlines pulled two hundred planes out of the air for intensive inspection. The bad news is that large holes have been opening up in the ceiling of the airline's fuselages. The good news is there's a lot more room in the overhead compartment. (Argus Hamilton)

      In response to a plane's roof tearing off, Southwest Airlines said it did not expect cracks in their planes so soon. In other words, they expected cracks in their planes eventually. Wow, how soon can I book a flight with these geniuses? "Oh, no, that plane is fine, we don't expect the wing to fall off for a whole year." (Alex Kaseberg)


      Thunderstorms downed two dozen trees just before the Masters. At first it looked like Tiger Woods had been arguing with the wife again. (Brad Dickson)

      The Masters golf tournament is this weekend. Tiger Woods is getting his A game ready. He has moved up from hitting on waitresses at Dennys to hitting on waitresses at Hooters. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Masters Tournament has been on CBS since 1956. It's a CBS staple that will always be on the channel, like Andy Rooney or Katie Couric. Oh, wait. (Craig Ferguson)

      The Masters put on a thriller Sunday starring Australians Jason Day and Adam Scott and Englishman Luke Donald and Northern Ireland's Rory McIlroy before South Africa's Charl Schwartzel won the day. They were greeted at the final hole like liberators. It gave U. S. troops in the Middle East the hope that sometimes colonialism has a happy ending. (Argus Hamilton

      Tiger Woods came in fourth, but that's still a pretty good paycheck for his ex-wife. (David Letterman)

      Tiger Woods tied for 4th at the Masters. He had a good Sunday. He not only picked up an eagle and 5 birdies, but also that blond chick driving the beverage cart. (Alan Ray

      Tiger Woods says that Rory McIlroy can learn from his Masters meltdown. If people can gain knowledge from bad life experiences, Tiger must be the wisest man on the planet. (Jim Barach)

      Rory McIlroy is to meltdowns at The Masters what Meatloaf is to meltdowns on Celebrity Apprentice. (Jerry Perisho)

      I'm not saying that Rory McIlroy is young, but he looks like he should be playing with Chevy Chase and Ted Knight. (Marc Ragovin)


      Obama said in an interview that he really misses being anonymous. If he wanted to remain anonymous he should have run for vice president. (Jay Leno

      President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, "I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market..." Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner!" (Jay Leno

      President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. This time his slogan is going to be, "No, seriously, we can!" (Tim Hunter) 

      Obama is set to appear on one of Oprah’s last shows. He’s hoping it’s the one where she gives away $14 trillion. (Conan O'Brien

      Barack and Michelle Obama will appear on Oprah’s show soon. Not to be outdone, Donald Trump’s hair will be making an appearance on Animal Planet. (Jay Leno

      President Obama seems to be in a remorseful mood. He told Hearst magazine editors that he's not a golf addict, but it's his only way to get away for privacy. He said he misses being able to watch people in Central Park, "I miss Saturday morning, rolling out of bed, not shaving, getting into my car with my girls, driving to the supermarket, squeezing the fruit, getting my car washed, taking walks. I can't take a walk. I miss being anonymous -- like Joe Biden." (Reeder & Ainsworth)

      President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country's richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before. (Jay Leno

      A new poll shows that only 19 percent of Americans strongly approve of President Obama's performance. The other 81 percent don't own gas stations. (Jay Leno

      President Obama will make a major speech on the deficit. He'll mention cutting wasteful jobs in Washington. And right now Joe Biden is nervous. (Alan Ray)

      Barack Obama refused Friday to sign a bill paying U. S. troops, forcing them to either fight for free or be court-martialed. It's hilarious. Leave it to America's first black president to bring back slavery on the one hundred and fiftieth anniversary of the Civil War. (Argus Hamilton

      President Obama will hold a town hall meeting on Facebook. His campaign promises will be a welcome addition. For your crops in Farmville, you can get a load of manure. (Alan Ray)

      President Obama told a crowd at a Democratic fundraiser in Chicago last night that the Republicans aren't compassionate, this from a man who is allowing the cancellation of "One Life to Live" and "All My Children" on his watch! (Jake Novak)


      Vice President Joe Biden fell asleep during Obama's speech. He has now been named an honorary air traffic controller. (Jay Leno) 

      Joe Biden apparently fell asleep during President Obama's speech on reducing national debt yesterday. Now Joe Biden can embarrass the President without even opening his mouth. (Jay Leno)

      Joe Biden appeared to fall asleep because he was bored during President Obama's speech yesterday. Not true exactly, when he nodded off the vice president was actually running through one of his own future speeches in his head. (Janice Hough)


      Nancy Pelosi accused the GOP of encouraging Americans to simply give up and die at home. Do we die on garbage day, lawn day or recycling day? California environmental law only permits human remains to be thrown away in the recycling bin if you are a Hindu. (Argus Hamilton)

      Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe is being investigated for landing his plane on a closed runway last year. Apparently his excuse is that he landed where he wanted because he didn’t want to wake up the airport’s air traffic controllers. (Jim Barach)


      A federal court has ruled that Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss cannot undo a 2008 settlement agreement they signed with Mark Zuckerberg awarding them $20 million and part ownership of Facebook. The judge did, however, compliment them on how much they look like the actors who played them in "Social Network." (Bob Mills)

      The U. S. Court of Appeals in San Francisco struck down Arizona's illegal immigration law allowing cops to check citizenship. It was applauded in Los Angeles. Now that the all the illegal aliens can go back to Arizona, Dodger Stadium will be safe for baseball again. (Argus Hamilton

      The U. S. Court of Appeal ruled to stay Arizona's immigration law cracking down on illegal aliens. They don't like being called that name. Illegal aliens have lived in America long enough to have seen Gone with the Wind and they prefer to be called replacement players. (Argus Hamilton


      U. S. Army General Carter Ham informed Congress Thursday that U. S. troops might be needed to help the Libyan rebels. It would level the playing field. U.S. troops are the only ones with the weaponry to shoot down the U. S. planes accidentally bombing the rebels every day. (Argus Hamilton

      The Pentagon announced that openly gay soldiers will begin serving this summer. When people asked why this summer, the Army said, 'Because 'Glee' will be in reruns. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Navy tested a high-power laser beam to help fight pirates. There’s nothing the pirates can do to defend themselves against this laser — unless they buy a mirror. (Jimmy Kimmel


      The Texas legislature passed a law Friday raising the speed limit to eighty-five miles an hour. They already let you have an open beer in the car and let you carry a gun. The idea is to make life on the highway so much fun you wouldn't think of texting while driving. (Argus Hamilton) 

      A California bill mandates that gay history be taught in public schools. One suggestion is monthly field trips to Pottery Barn. (Jim Barach)

      Florida is close to passing a "baggy pants" bill that would ticket people for wearing their pants too low. Floridians says that pants should be worn where they were intended. Up around the chest. (Jim Barach)

      An investigation shows that there are more than 18,000 dead voters on Ohio voter rolls. It has gotten so bad that Chicago politicians have been showing up in parts of Ohio to campaign. (Jim Barach)


      According to a survey conducted by the magazine Psychology Today, the New York Borough of Manhattan has the highest incidence of suicide in the nation. In the tradition of the island's trendy restaurants like Elaine's and the Russian Tea Room, their Suicide Hot Line is unlisted. (Bob Mills

      Because of budget problems, the city of Compton, CA has scrapped plans to set up its own police dept. Luckily, Compton's crooks promise to keep the city's deficits low by not outsourcing any of their crimes. (Jake Novak)

      Washington D. C. Mayor Vince Gray waved to cheering crowds as he emerged from jail after being arrested while protesting the GOP budget cuts. He fought the Republicans and lost but he came home a hero. Some Civil War reenactments are more realistic than others. (Argus Hamilton

      A nine-foot alligator is on the loose after escaping from a nature center in Arkansas. In a related story, the Barry Bonds perjury trial turned out to be a big crock. (RJ Currie)

      The Seattle Museum of Flight had hoped to receive one of the four retiring space shuttles. Apparently, there was a bit of confusion in the paperwork and instead, we're going to receive an iPod Shuffle. (Tim Hunter


      Republicans are obsessed with abortion. If they really wanted to protect the weakest, most helpless people, wouldn't they protect the Democrats? (Bill Maher)

      Michele Bachmann referred to Planned Parenthood as the LensCrafters of abortion. Then it got worse when she referred to Massachusetts as the Sunglass Hut of gay marriage. (Conan O'Brien

      Mike Huckabee led likely GOP presidential primary candidates in a Fox Poll Tuesday, polling high with Southern Baptists. That makes sense. The Southern Baptist Church is a stalwart Protestant sect that recognizes only one saint, the last living Confederate widow. (Argus Hamilton

      CNN says this is "breaking news." Mitt Romney says he formed an exploratory committee as a first step in a potential run for GOP

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