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Weakly Humerus News 04-09-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-09-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Today s toss-up question: What can Americans most afford to live without, the
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 9, 2011

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-09-11


      Today's toss-up question: What can Americans most afford to live without, the federal government or the NFL? (Dwight Perry)

      Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms. Because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma. (Conan O'Brien

      Ann Coulter is coming to the city (San Francisco) this August for a fundraiser for a Young Republicans group. Makes sense, San Francisco has always been hospitable to female impersonators. (Janice Hough)

      NATO estimates the conflict in Libya will last 90 days. Isn't this what King Edward III said at the start of the Hundred Years War? (Cam Hutchinson)  

      Southwest Airlines plane landed with a hole in its roof. The folks in marketing tried to spin it positive. “On our flights, we offer more room to stretch.” (Alan Ray)

      Nike is planning a Cheech and Chong line of shoes. It’s for people who aren’t talking about vertical leap when they say how high they can get. (Jim Barach

      Glenn Beck announced that he is ending his daily show on Fox News. He didn’t want to end it. He just ran out of conspiracy theories. (Jay Leno

      Charlie Sheen’s violent torpedo of truth tour continues. He doesn’t go over his life blow by blow. He keeps the blow in his dressing room. (Alan Ray

      The mobile phone turns 38 this month. It seems like only yesterday there was poor reception, dropped calls, and limited service areas. Of course, to AT&T customers, that was yesterday.  (Alan Ray)

      A voluntary recall is underway for an erectile dysfunction product. Apparently, there were no hard feelings. (Tim Hunter)

      A USC student was caught having sex with a woman on the roof of a campus building in full view of hundreds of people. Where'd they meet; in a shingles bar? (RJ Currie)

      Talking about potential budgets cuts for "non-vital" programs: "Nodody's life is affected by NPR. Nobody's life is affected by Planned Parenthood. These are options." (Bill O'Reilly)

      An African tortoise started a fire in a New York condo when it knocked over a heat lamp. A NYFD spokesperson said it was a close race, but the tortoise escaped by a hare. (RJ Currie)

      To avoid high electricity bills, Mayor Bloomberg wants New Yorkers to use their air conditioning less this summer. That's not "cool." (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama announced Monday he's running for re-election, in a year when he has maintained tax cuts for wealthy Americans, bailed out Wall Street, kept Guantanamo open and bombed Libya. Now both parties think his presidency is unconstitutional. Republicans think he was born outside the U. S. and Democrats think he is Bush's third term. (Argus Hamilton)

      The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it -- just like he did with being president. (Jimmy Fallon

      The good news for the Libyan rebels is that the U.S. is sending more jets to enforce the no-fly zone. The bad news is those jets are all 737's from Southwest Airlines. (Jake Novak

      Frankly, I like the idea of a president who might point his finger at the vice-president one day and say, "You're fired!" (Tim Hunter)

      Bravo is canceling 'The Real Housewives of D. C.' after just one season. That's when unemployment is bad, when people who don't even have jobs are losing their jobs. (Jimmy Fallon)


      We're heading for a government shutdown. This is serious. Without the government who will fail to inspect our airplanes? Who will fail to secure our borders? Who will put us 14 trillion dollars in debt? (Jay Leno)

      If the government shutdown occurs, there may be a freeze to all new wars in the Middle East. (Jay Leno

      Congress reassured the American people that during a government shutdown essential services would still be provided to Libya, Afghanistan and Iraq. (Andy Borowitz)

      It looks like we're heading for a government shutdown. And you thought Joe Biden had nothing to do before. (Jay Leno

      Democrats and Republicans in Congress are still fighting over the budget. If they can’t agree, there will be a big government shutdown. What we really need is a big government shut-up.  The shutdown would mean that all non-essential workers would stop coming to work. I’m OK with that. Why do we even have non-essential workers? (Jimmy Kimmel

      Members of Congress will still get paid if there's a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We'll be paying them to do nothing. (Jay Leno)

      The White House may have to lay off all nonessential workers if the government shuts down. You know: interns, pages, Biden... (Jimmy Fallon)

      All non-essential government workers will be on furlough if there is a shutdown. Which means the only people working in Washington next week will be the hookers. (Jake Novak)

      If we DO have a government shutdown, let's sure hope we don't have any earthquakes while it happens. Just for the record, USGS employees would not only be furloughed, they would be forbidden from working without pay during a shutdown. Or even from talking to the media. But we could never have a major quake here in the U. S., right? (Janice Hough)

      The most embarrassing part is that by the weekend, our government could be shut down, but Moammar Gadhafi's government could still be working. (Jay Leno)

      Due to the budget impasse, the federal government may shut down next week. There will be another season of 'Jersey Shore', but the U. S. government is still up in the air. (Conan O'Brien)

      A lot of people wonder what a government shutdown would be like. I think a lot more people wonder what a government running properly would be like. (Jay Leno

      If Congress can't agree on a budget by midnight Friday, the government will shut down. Democrats are demanding to tax all of the people's money and use it to fund abortions, while the Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon Mobil and relocate gays to Puerto Rico. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      They finally maybe struck a deal to avert a government shutdown. Of course, all on the Republican terms. You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money. (Bill Maher)

      President Obama said he doesn't have time to play games with Republicans on a budget deal. Which is bad news for the new video game 'Wii Budget Deal.' (Jimmy Fallon

      Due to the budget impasse, the federal government may shut down next week. There will be another season of “Jersey Shore,” but the U.S. government is still up in the air. (Conan O'Brien

      All government services may be shut down next week, which could really make the DMV inconvenient. A lot of public beaches may also be shut down, which could severely whiten John Boehner. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      If there's a shutdown, federal meat inspections may be delayed. In other words, Taco Bell will not be affected. (Conan O'Brien

      We are just four days away from the government shutdown, which will cripple the VA, Social Security and Medicare. So I get to snuff out one more candle on my Government Shutdown Menorah. Shutdownica celebrates the miracle of telling veterans and the elderly that they can suck it. (Stephen Colbert)


      The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers. (Bill Maher)

      Moammar Gadhafi is blaming Osama bin Laden for all of Libya's troubles. It's going to be awkward when these two guys meet in hell. (Funny Quotes Daily)

      While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Gaddafi's forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does. (Jay Leno

      Fox News' Geraldo Rivera was caught in the middle of a firefight between pro- and anti-government forces in Libya. He was lucky to get out alive because both sides were trying to shoot him. (Jay Leno

      The White House says we'll be staying in Libya longer than expected. I didn't see that coming. The original estimate for Libya was two weeks. Now they're predicting about 12 years. (David Letterman)


      Fox News is dropping Glenn Beck's show. He spent the whole day crying his eyes out, and then he heard his show was getting dropped. (Craig Ferguson

      Fox News announced today that Glenn Beck will leave his show later this year. It's nothing personal. He just wants to spend more time with the voices in his head. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Aftermonths of advertiser boycotts and declining ratings, Fox News has pulled the plug on "The Glen Beck Show." According to a statement issued by Fox News CEO Roger Ailes, Glen was hired to deliver the craziest, most irrational nonsense on TV and -- well -- then Charlie Sheen came along. Not that Glen didn't have plenty of warning signs that his neck was on the chopping block: a) As he packed on the pounds, Fox anchors could no longer say "fair and balanced" with a straight face. (Bob Mills)

      Glenn Beck has announced that he is leaving his show on Fox News this year. Even more surprising is that he's leaving to marry his life-partner, Abdul Gonzales. (Conan O'Brien)

      Just hours after his program was dropped by Fox News Channel, controversial host Glenn Beck announced he had inked a new contract to join the cable network Syfy. Mr. Beck told reporters, "The best part of this deal is that I won't need to change my format at all." Mr. Beck said that his program was "a perfect fit" for a schedule of programming packed with aliens, paranoid conspiracy theories and alternative universes. Syfy spokesperson Tracy Klugian told reporters, "We warned Glenn that if he's going to be a good fit for Syfy he's going to have to tone down his act a bit. Some of the stuff he did on Fox is a little too 'out there' for us." Mr. Beck said that his new deal would run "until 2012 or the end of the world, whichever comes sooner," (Andy Borowitz)


      Charlie Sheen was booed off the stage at the premiere of his one man show in Detroit this weekend. He's had to cancel all his remaining performances except for the one 300 feet outside the Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant. (Jake Novak)

      The biggest bomb ever in Detroit is no longer the Edsel. (Jerry Perisho)

      The people at Charlie Sheen's show were all mad, which I don't understand. You paid to see a train wreck. The train wrecked. And now you're mad about it? People walked out and wanted their money back. It reminded me a little bit of when I lost my virginity. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Charlie Sheen's live show bombed so badly in Detroit that President Obama gave him a $4 billion bailout. (Jimmy Kimmel

      People who saw the show said it was disjointed, confusing, and largely nonsensical, which may have something to do with the fact that Charlie Sheen hosted it. (Jimmy Kimmel

      Charlie Sheen is getting such bad reviews for his live show, that scalpers are offering to pay $40 to get rid of tickets. (Jimmy Fallon)

      After being booed off the stage in Detroit, Charlie Sheen's "My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not an Option Show" received a much warmer reception in Chicago. Probably because their newly-elected mayor, Rahm Emanuel, drops the "F" bomb more often than Charlie does. (Bob Mills)

      Charlie Sheen got a standing ovation during his stage show in Chicago:. Remember, these same people love the Cubs. (Jerry Perisho)

      Charlie Sheen arrived in New York today for this weekend's two shows at Radio City Music Hall. He's had better weeks. The reviews from the first show were so bad that scalpers are offering one hundred dollars to anybody who will take a ticket off their hands. (Argus Hamilton)

      No one turns lemons into lemonphetamines like Charlie Sheen. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      Glenn Beck says Donald Trump is making him "uncomfortable" with some of the extreme things he is saying about President Obama. Isn't being called too extreme by Glenn Beck like being called a "sleazeball" by John Edwards? (Janice Hough)

      Donald Trump said he can’t make a decision on running for president until this season of “Celebrity Apprentice” is over. That may be the best excuse ever for postponing a run for the presidency. (Jimmy Kimmel

      A new Wall Street Journal/NBC News poll shows that the second favorite Republican candidate so far (even thought he's not yet officially a candidate) is Donald Trump. If he does throw his hat into the ring, he's gotta first make sure his hair is not attached. (Tim Hunter)

      Trump is doing well in the polls. He’s in second place among Republican voters. Among tea partyers, he’s in first place. Although to be fair, in the tea party poll, Chuck Norris is in second place and third place is an AK-47. (Jimmy Kimmel

      Trump is doing well in the polls. He's in second place among Republican voters. Among tea partyers, he's in first place. Although to be fair, in the tea party poll, Chuck Norris is in second place and third place is an AK-47. (Jimmy Kimmel

       Donald Trump came in second place in a poll asking people who they want for president. I wouldn’t get too excited. It was a poll of Democrats. (Craig Ferguson)

      Donald Trump is saying President Obama doesn't have a birth certificate. Let's just say he doesn't. What are we going to do now? Make him go get one? (David Letterman

      If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife? (Seth Meyers)

      Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs – another blonde airhead. (Bill Maher)

      Real-estate mogul Donald Trump has been chosen to drive the pace car in this year's Indianapolis 500, scheduled for May 29. Now comes the hard part: Getting that road kill on his head past the PETA protesters. (Dwight Perry)

      Donald Trump is scheduled to drive the pace car at this year's Indianapolis 500 in May. In an effort to attract the "green" vote, he'll start the race by announcing "Gentlemen, plug in your engines." (Bob Mills)

      Donald Trump will be driving the pace car at the Indy 500. Thinking "green", the car will be powered by Trump's hot air. Hundreds of thousands of dollars were invested in the design of his comb-over helmet. It’s the first chauffer-driven limo pace car with champagne being served in Indy car history. (Jerry Perisho)

      Donald Trump has declared bankruptcy three times, now he's so concerned about President Obama's birth that he says he's sent a team of investigators to Hawaii "in hopes of getting to the bottom of the issue." And this is the man who hopes to convince Americans he should be the one to oversee government spending? (Janice Hough)


      Southwest Airlines would like to clear things up: those aren't holes in the ceiling in their jets -- they're sun roofs! (Tim Hunter)

      Southwest Airlines canceled 600 flights because of a plane that suddenly got a 5-foot hole in the roof. You know American wouldn't have canceled all those flights. They'd have just started charging a $50 sunroof fee. (Jimmy Fallon

      Southwest Airlines grounded its entire fleet of Boeing 737-300s after a five-foot section of skin peeled off one of them headed from Phoenix to Sacramento. Not that they didn't see this coming. For months, they've been advertising "premium wing seating" and "outdoor dining, weather permitting." (Bob Mills)

      No one was hurt in the incident where a Southwest flight made an emergency landing with a hole in the fuselage. But airline executives have thought better of running a commercial saying "Unlike our competitors, we don't charge extra for an upgrade to a convertible." (Janice Hough)

      Southwest Airlines said that the hole that ripped through the fuselage of one of their airplanes was not terrorism-related. Thank goodness! It was just maintenance neglect. (Jay Leno

      New Southwest slogan: "Flying that's all it's cracked up to be?" (Janice Hough)

      Southwest Airlines has a new slogan: “Forty percent off your tickets, 30 percent off the plane.” (David Letterman

      Southwest Airlines has a new slogan: "We love the sky -- and it shows." (Jay Leno)


      According to a poll, 55 percent of college students approve of the job President Obama is doing. That may change once they graduate and try to find a job. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama said today that Americans are just going to have to get used to higher gas prices. To which Dick Cheney said, “That’s change I can believe in. I like this Obama guy.” (Jay Leno

      President Obama gave a speech Tuesday saying one solution to Western dependence on oil is to build more nuclear reactors. That was courageous. Most politicians don't possess the self-confidence to propose de-population as a solution to our energy problems. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama has announced he's running for re-election next year. The announcement was greeting with cheer and applause... and that was just from the Republicans! (Tim Hunter)

      President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? "Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really. (Jay Leno

      President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he's running on the slogan, "I'm Michelle Obama's husband. (Conan O'Brien

      Barack Obama has finally thrown his turban into the ring. So far the Republican field looks like a bunch of guys responding to a Craigslist ad for a free couch. (Stephen Colbert

      President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate. (Jay Leno

      President Obama will run for reelection in 2012. He's not breaking up with us! He wants to work things out! He's forgiving our poor record on post-recession job creation, our incessant demands to be talked to, every time we go to war. (Jon Stewart)

      Pres. Obama announced that he is running for reelection. If we don't reelect him, then who is going to use all those expensive White House Teleprompters? (Jerry Perisho)

      President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it's not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate. Experts say this Presidential campaign will be the most expensive in history. A far cry from the very first re-election campaign back in 1792. When George Washington ran against a young Senator named John McCain. As far as I'm concerned, the election starts with the first attack ad, which should appear in about 20 minutes. I think elections should be quick. If I have an election that lasts longer than four hours, I call the doctor. (Craig Ferguson

      There's a $376 million semi-secret construction project happening at the White House, and it's rumored that a tunnel is being built underneath. That's a lot of work for President Obama to get away from his mother-in-law. Let the man have a cigarette. There is a lot of speculation as to what the tunnel's true purpose is, whether it's for security or transportation. Or, maybe it leads directly to Oprah's bedroom. I think he Obama is building an underground Kenya. A new subterranean land so he can Africanize us from below. I heard that on Fox News. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      President Obama called Vice President Joe Biden into the Oval Office to get his advice about Libya. Then he said, "April Fools!"  (Jay Leno)

      Secretary of State Hillary Clinton notched her highest approval rating ever Thursday for how she's prosecuted the Libya war, reinforced Saudi Arabia and kept Iraq quiet. She's getting ready for her close-up. The next oil-producing country we invade will be Olay. (Argus Hamilton)


      Congress is considering a law, sponsored by Utah Republican Jason Chaffetz, that would make it tougher for small wineries to sell by mail to out-of-state clients. So GOP proponents who want government out of our lives are now making an exception for our wine cellars as well as our bedrooms. (Janice Hough)


      Archeologists in London have appealed to NATO forces to avoid destroying ancient and irreplaceable antiquities. And the Marine Corps has requested that the shores of Tripoli be left undamaged so they won't have to change their song. (Bob Mills)


      Florida lawmakers are considering a plan that would allow NASCAR fans to have their urns placed at Daytona International Speedway after they are cremated. They could spend eternity at their favorite track, or just slightly less time than it takes to get out of the parking lot at the end of race day. The only thing missing to make it a perfect afterlife would be to have the cremation done on a Weber charcoal grill during the Daytona 500. (Jim Barach) 

      Oklahoma broke out in more brushfires Wednesday as the Sooner State endured the driest conditions since the Great Depression. No one wants another Dust Bowl. This time the Oklahomans moving west to California would collide with the Mexicans moving north to California and create a chicken fried burrito that'll explode the obesity epidemic. (Argus Hamilton)

      New Mexico residents last week thought they saw another UFO over thirty thousand feet up. They saw a strange twinkling pattern of lights in the sky. The FAA said not to panic, the chances are it was just another Southwest Airlines plane flying with the top down. (Argus Hamilton)

      Texas lawmakers are considering a bill that would allow concealed weapons on college campuses. Students who can demonstrate exceptional marksmanship will graduate as a. 357 magnum cum laude. (Jim Barach)

      Texas legislators are seriously considering passing a bill that will allow concealed firearms on college campuses. Could change things down there. Now the co-eds at the University of Texas will be referred to as "hot" whenever they're packing heat. (Bob Mills)

      Police in Oregon are playing classical music to discourage vagrants from loitering around a transit center. They tried playing some Kenny G music but it ended up chasing everyone away. (Jim Barach

      Despite Gov. Scott Walker's repeated claims that the State of Wisconsin is broke, his administration recently gave the college-dropout son of lobbyist and campaign donor Jerry Deschane an $81,500-a-year job overseeing environmental and regulatory matters. Those who argue that hiring an unqualified dropout for such a high-level position is irrational clearly haven't thought through how much Scott Walker disdains the environment and regulations. (JopandaHollis@...)

      Arizona will start charging Medicaid patients a $50 tax if they are obese, have diabetes or smoke. Or as they call that in Alabama, “everyone”. (Jim Barach


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