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Weakly Humerus News 04-02-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-02-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK We re down to the final four now. Only four Middle East countries we haven t
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 2, 2011

      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 04-02-11


      We're down to the final four now. Only four Middle East countries we haven't attacked. (Jay Leno

      If Newt Gingrich wins the presidential race in 2012, would his current wife be called the 'Third Lady'? (Paul Benoit)

      This week in 1886, Coca Cola was invented. Did you know that cocaine was an ingredient in the drink until congress banned it in 1904? Coke was that close to having Charlie Sheen as a spokesperson. (Tim Hunter)

      So Newt Gingrich said Obama should enforce a no-fly zone, but now that the President has joined the coalition doing just that, Newt has changed his mind and says the no-fly zone is a mistake. Makes sense on some level, Gingrich has always had trouble with decisions involving his own fly. (Janice Hough)

      If Bachman and Palin get in to the presidential race, that's two bimbos. And there there's Mitt Romney, the millionaire and Newt Gingrich, a professor. We just need a skipper and a buddy and we've got 'Gilligan's Island.' (Bill Maher)

      The crew of a Texas fishing boat were surprised this week when a shark jumped onto their deck. You can tell the NHL playoffs haven't started; usually then the Sharks abandon ship. (RJ Currie)

      A new poll shows that one of the major parties in this country -- I won't tell you which one -- is a majority birther party. That's right, more than half of Republicans now think Obama was born in Kenya. They literally do not know where babies come from. (Bill Maher)

      While it's hot in Los Angeles, it's snowing on the east coast. Some states are too hot and some are too cold. I think we're going through menopause as a nation. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      If Moammar Gadhafi goes into exile, there are only three places that would tolerate a raving madman like that: Venezuela, Saudi Arabia, and Fox News. (Jay Leno)

      Ex-NBA referee Rashan S. Michel was arrested for attacking Hall of Famer and Hawks TV analyst Dominique Wilkins, who Michel claims owes him $12,500 for custom-made suits. Word is the fight started over a jacket but ended in a tie. (RJ Currie)

      A prosthetic ear worn by Leonard Nimoy as Sock will be auctioned Saturday. The leading bidder is expected to be Evander Holyfield. (Bill Dwyer)

      All these pundits who say VCU didn't belong in the NCAA tournament may be right. Maybe the Rams should have been picked for the NBA playoffs? (Janice Hough)

      The BlackBerry Playbook will launch April 19. It has just about every kind of app on its face. In fact, about the only thing users won’t see is the road. (Alan Ray


      With all the talk about VCU and Butler, many have forgotten that coach John Calipari could be setting a record of his own. If the NCAA discovers anything in future regarding rules violations at Kentucky, Calipari could be the first coach in history to forfeit Final Four appearances with three different teams. (Janice Hough)

      Las Vegas casinos have anointed Kentucky the favorite to win the NCAA basketball title. Not only that, but John Calipari's team is also the best bet to someday vacate it. (Dwight Perry)

      Another #1 seed, Ohio State, goes down in the 2011 NCAA tournament. Bad news for collectors who were hoping to buy one of those championship rings. (Janice Hough)

      The Final Four is in Houston. VCU in the tournament is like U.S. troops in Afghanistan. Most thought they would have been out a long time ago. (Alan Ray

      ESPN's Dick Vitale said before the tournament "Look at Colorado's résumé, look at UAB and look at VCU, it'd be an M&Mer, a mismatch, man. It would be like a beauty contest, Roseanne Barr walking in versus Scarlett Johansson. No shot, none whatsoever." I hear Scarlett Johansson just showed up in a VCU jersey. (Janice Hough)

      Jimmer Fredette committed six turnovers and wandered aimlessly through the lane on defense like Moses in the desert in BYU's season-ending loss to Florida. I've seen dead people play better defense. At least they occasionally trip people. (Rick Reilly)

      You know what the NCAA tournament needs? one of those one-time judges' saves like 'American Idol' has so Jimmer Fredette can return to the bracket for one more chance. (David Thomas)

      Kansas was 2 of 21 from three point range in their NCAA tournament loss to Butler on Sunday. This breaks the brick throwing record previously held by "Home Alone's" Kevin McCallister and Mayberry's Ernest T. Bass. (Frank King)

      Shaka Smart is a mixed race man, raised by his mother and given an African name by his father. Considering how upset some betters and big school alums must be it's a good thing there's no rule that the coach of a final four team needs to be born in the U. S. (Janice Hough)

      Matt Hasselbeck's five-year-old son was in the top one per cent of all entries in ESPN's NCAA Tournament bracket. After 48 games, among those he is ahead of is President Obama. I say give the kid a shot at fixing the economy.  (Bill Littlejohn)

      The Butler Bulldogs' bulldog, a magnet for TV cameras last year, is conspicuously absent at this year's NCAA tournament because of a new rule banning live mascots. Which also explains why Duke couldn't bring Billy Packer. (Dwight Perry)

      TMZ reports Butler Bulldogs mascot Blue2 got a chartered jet to the final four, his own seat on the flight, followed by a spa hair treatment and a stay at a four-star hotel. Talk about putting on the dog. (RJ Currie)


      For once, we're not coming off as the big swinging dicks who are going to tell everyone else what to do. We're trying to get results without incurring all the costs and all the bad will; or as Fox News calls it, 'reckless'. (Bill Maher on the U. S. handling of Libya)

      Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi took the extraordinary step of banning all journalists from his country today, arguing, “It’s worked for Fox.” (Andy Borowitz)

      Gaddafi has turned on his own people. He's become so unpopular that even his face is running away from him. (Stephen Colbert)

      It's now being reported that CIA agents have entered Libya. We're not sure how long they'll be staying, but some of them just left Vietnam. (Jay Leno)

      Congress is mad at President Obama because he didn't consult them before the war in Libya. Congress got us into two other wars and put us 14 trillion dollars in debt. I can't imagine why he didn't consult them. (Jay Leno

      It's so fun to watch the Republicans be pro-bombing, but against Obama who's doing it. Newt Gingrich was so discombobulated this week, he made a pass at his current wife. (Bill Maher)

      Germany pulled out of the Libyan operation, citing poor U. S. leadership. It figures. When the Germans saw those tea party posters of Barack Obama with a Hitler mustache, they had every right to expect that the air strikes would be followed by a ground invasion. (Argus Hamilton)

      Instead of calling our mission in Libya a war, the White House is calling it a 'kinetic military action’, which sounds better than 'potentially endless quagmire'. (Jay Leno

      President Obama gave a speech about Libya last night. The title of the speech? 'No, I Wasn't Born There'. (Conan O'Brien

      President Obama addressed the nation on Libya. This changes his previous policy on Libya, which was, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' (Jay Leno)

      President Obama addressed the nation Monday night to clarify the extent of U. S. involvement in Libya. Republicans accused Mr. Obama of pandering to young voters when he spent the last minute of his presentation officially unfriending Moammar Gaddafi on his Facebook page. (Frank King)

      President Obama's speech on Libya was scheduled early so it wouldn't interrupt 'Dancing With the Stars.' That's ridiculous. This is a major historical event that affects the lives of millions of people. I can't believe it was almost interrupted by Obama's speech. (Jimmy Fallon) 

      President Obama gave a televised speech to the nation Monday about the operations in Libya. The president faced an impossible task in the speech. He had to persuade the Democrats that we shoud be in Libya without convincing Republicans he was born in Libya. (Argus Hamilton

      Critics were saying Obama seemed defensive and slightly angry during his speech on Libya. Sounds like somebody's March Madness bracket isn't doing so hot. (Jimmy Fallon

      President Obama spoke about our role in Libya. He's not sure when the war will end, what happens when we win, or how much it will cost, but other than that it was quite informative. (Jay Leno

      Obama is being criticized by both parties for not having a clear strategy to get out of Libya. But neither does Moammar Gadhafi, so it's OK. (Jay Leno

      The Pentagon says we'll be out of Libya in a couple of weeks. Let me translate that: '10-year quagmire'. (David Letterman

      President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he's attacking Libya. It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      Obama wanted to update the American people on Libya but unless Snooki is going to Libya, the American people don't care. (Jimmy Kimmel

      President Obama said the United States has clear and focused goals in Libya. He said he would share those goals with us as soon as Hillary shares them with him. (Jimmy Fallon

      About Libya, President Obama says we're staying for a short time and then leaving. That's what my relatives always say. (David Letterman

      Several prominent Republicans voiced criticism of President Obama's Libya policy, including former President George W. Bush, who urged Mr. Obama to define the mission: "That way, you can hang up a really cool banner once it's accomplished." Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) said that she also had serious questions for Mr. Obama about Libya: "For example, where is it?" (Andy Borowitz) 

      It's been reported that a doctor removed fat from Moammar Gadhafi's belly and injected it into his face. The doctor called it 'Operation Not Helping'. (Conan O'Brien)


      It's taken eight years to get Bonds's perjury case to trial. If he'd only murdered someone, he would have been acquitted by now. (Janice Hough

      Bonds' legal team outnumbers the government's 13-5, and has a payroll higher than the Pittsburgh Pirates. (Torben Rolfsen)

      The Barry Bonds steroids trial heard testimony Monday from his mistress Kimberly Bell. She said his testicles shrank, his hair fell out and he became impotent. It takes no time for steroids to turn baseball's home run king into just another greeter at Wal-Mart. (Argus Hamilton

      Barry Bonds' trial is getting tawdrier and tawdrier, now with testimony from his ex-mistress about Bonds' sexual performance, and the changing shape of his "privates." And we thought the Clinton impeachment trial with thongs and cigars was TMI. (Janice Hough)

      Barry Bonds’ former girlfriend testified that as he took more and more steroids the shape and size of his testicles changed.  As his testicles got very small, she knew they felt like a book deal. The lesson for all baseball players: never let your girlfriend measure your testicles. (Jerry Perisho)

      Barry Bonds' ex-mistress testifyed that the ex-slugger became increasingly aggressive, irritable, agitated and very impatient. She concluded that Bonds was either taking steroids or had become a Buffalo Bills fan. (Budd Bailey)

      And in Barry Bonds perjury-trial testimony, Bonds' cap requirements went from size 7 ¼ to 7-3/8 to having to steal that big fiberglass one off the motorized cart. (Dwight Perry)

      An old Barry Bonds batting helmet might be the key to the steroid-enhanced slugger's perjury trial. "If it doesn't fit, you must convict." (Todd Dewey)

      Unfortunate timing for sportswriters and editors that the Bonds trial is going on at the same time that these "small ball" teams are in the NCAA Final Four. (Janice Hough)


      Officials at the Bronx Zoo say a deadly Egyptian Cobra is missing. Authorities believe it may blend in with the landscape. Real close to its container is a law firm. (Alan Ray)

      The Bronx Zoo had to close its reptile house after a poisonous snake went missing. Apparently, the snake had been digging a tunnel for years and hiding it behind a poster of a sexy eel. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Visitors were evacuated and the doors to the snake house at the Bronx Zoo locked after a cobra escaped from its cage. Keepers tried to coax the reptile out of hiding by playing the sounds of a wounded faun, a female cobra in heat and an ambulance siren. (Bob Mills)

      A deadly cobra is on the loose at the Bronx Zoo. Officials say they need to find the snake before it ODs on overpriced frozen slushees at the food court. (Jake Novak)

      That missing Bronx Zoo cobra has a Twitter account with more than 150,000 followers. It’s true that it has no fingers, but it is a speed tonguer. (Jerry Perisho)

      The missing Bronx Zoo cobra was found inside the zoo’s reptile house. She was dirty, broke, and needs a series of penicillin shots.  The most famous venom-spewing reptile in the blogosphere is once again Joan Rivers. (Jerry Perisho

      The Cobra was located in an out of the way corner of the Reptile House. Even cobras know it's not safe to go outside in the Bronx. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The missing cobra from the Bronx Zoo was caught alive today. I see a made-for-television movie in our future, a combination of 'Escape from New York' and 'Snakes on a Plane'. (Janice Hough)


      President Obama hails the spread of democracy in the Middle East. We are doing everything we can to keep the Arab rulers from passing power down to their sons. If NBC had done this on 'The West Wing', America's president today would be Charlie Sheen. (Argus Hamilton)

      For Lent, some people give up meat, and some people give up drinking. President Obama gave up conferring with Congress. (Jay Leno

      President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, "Obama in Daily Talks With Allah." (Conan O'Brien

      President Obama didn't throw any first pitches for opening day. Of course, he did throw us that curveball on Libya. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama gave a speech to students at Georgetown University Wednesday on America's worsening energy crisis. The numbers say it all. We use forty percent of the world's oil and we've only invaded fifteen percent of the world's oil-producing nations. (Argus Hamilton

      President Obama's approval rating just hit an all-time low of 42 percent. To put that in perspective, the cobra that escaped from the Bronx Zoo has an approval rating of 43 percent. (Jimmy Fallon

      President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama was forced to cut short his visit to Central America Wednesday and hurry home to Washington to tend to pressing matters of state. He sprinted from the helicopter to the White House to get up to speed. He has Libya ousting Khadaffi in his Sweet Sixteen bracket. (Argus Hamilton

      Obama was in South America and when he came back to the White House, he was locked out of the Oval Office. That's like the eight years of the Bush administration. (David Letterman

      President Obama returned from South America and found the White House door locked. The NFL players are locked out. President Obama is locked out. When Black History Month is over, it's really over. (Jimmy Kimmel

      President Obama came back from South America and couldn't get into the White House. The door was locked. So he called Chris Brown on his cell phone to find the best way to break a window. (Jay Leno

      President Obama had to use another door to get into the White House yesterday after he got home and the entrance to the Oval Office was locked. When he couldn't get in, Obama said 'Holy cow, is it 2012 already? (Jimmy Fallon

      The White House called members of Congress Friday to brief them on the goal of the mission in Libya. The public won't be in the dark about it for long. Apple just came out with a new app that tells us why our troops are in any country you click on. (Argus Hamilton

      Obama said that one solution for using less oil is more nuclear power. He also admitted that he doesn't follow the news. (Conan O'Brien)

      In an interview with ABC, President Obama said he has to do something about the bags under his eyes. In response, Nancy Pelosi was like, "Call this number and tell them Pelosi sent you." (Jimmy Fallon


      Defense Secretary Robert Gates says there will be no troops on the ground in Libya "as long as I am in the job." That gives President Obama a pretty easy way to get around that. (Jim Barach)

      Hillary Clinton promised Congress Wednesday that the U.S. will not supply arms to the rebels in Libya now that it appears al-Qaeda has joined the insurgency against Khadaffi. It would be chaos. Imagine al-Qaeda's embarrassment when they used U.S.-made shoulder-fired anti-aircraft weapons to shoot down an airliner that their co-workers were hijacking. (Argus Hamilton

      In the wake of record losses, the U. S. Postal Service announced it is cutting 7,500 jobs. But a spokesman for the post office said those positions could be restored if this whole email thing turns out to be nothing but a fad. (Jay Leno)


      House Speaker John Boehner says President Obama should have clearly outlined his exact plans before bombing Libya. Apparently it's only Iraq where you don't have to do that. (Jay Leno)


      I know the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people, but what I didn't realize is that those people are a**holes. (Jon Stewart)

      Jurors in a federal copyright violation case awarded the plaintiffs $300,000 in damages when they meant $3 million. And these are the same people we let decide who should get the death penalty? (Bob Mills)

      Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was ticketed in Washington, D.C. for causing a traffic accident. Apparently even his car swerves wildly to the right. (Jim Barach)


      The Pentagon is considering a $600,000 toad and fairy sculpture at a new facility. It's the first time a fairy will be allowed in a military setting since the end of Don't Ask Don't Tell. (Jim Barach)


      California's Department of Health reported Monday that medical marijuana stores in the state rang up two billion dollars in pot sales last year. And it was all done legally. If California were a country in the Middle East, Jerry Brown would be the Emir of Doobie. (Argus Hamilton)   

      California Republicans are worried about a measure that would move the state's presidential primary from February to June. It's partly that they think the race would be over by then, and partly because even our GOP can't stand the thought of listening to some of these loonies for four more months. (Janice Hough)

      The State of California pays electricity consumers a $75 bounty for every old refrigerator they turn in. In New Jersey, you get an extra $100 if there's no body in it. (Bob Mills)

      In Alaska, a seven-member board nominates state judges, and the governor has nominated Don Haase ("Hays") to fill a spot. But he ran into some trouble Monday under questioning by Senate Democrats. They noted that he failed to mention he used to lead the social conservative group Eagle Forum Alaska. Asked if he agreed with them that adultery should be a felony, he said maybe not a felony, but it should be illegal because it hurts kids and spouses. And should premarital sex be illegal? He said it should be up to the voters, but he'd vote to make it a crime because of the spread of disease and the likelihood that it could lead to violence. Haase insisted that he would not let his beliefs influence his picks for judge. Democrats were appalled, although they kind of like the idea of locking up Bristol Palin. Senate Democrats will compromise on a lot of things, but there's no way they'll allow adultery to become illegal! (Reeder & Ainsworth)

      Eager to reduce its record divorce rate, Arkansas offers engaged couples who agree to attend classes in marriage, a reduced license fee. Which is waived entirely if the bride is over 12 and not a blood relative of the groom. (Bob Mills)

      Michigan's Governor has signed a bill reducing unemployment benefits from 26 to 20 weeks. Of course, the new law is irrelevant since most people in Michigan have been out of work for 266 weeks. (Jake Novak)

      A Florida PPP (Public Policy Polling) poll shows that in a hypothetical rematch, after only 2 months, Governor Rick Scott would lose to his Democratic opponent Alex Sink, 56 to 37 percent, with 16 percent of voters switching sides, including 21 percent of Republicans. Too bad the governorship isn't like Target, with a 90 day return policy with receipt. (Janice Hough)

      A North Carolina legislator has proposed a bill to declare stock car racing the official state sport. If passed, it will join "red" as the official state neck color and "barefoot" as the official word for pregnant. (Bob Mills)


      They found the Egyptian cobra that went missing from the Bronx Zoo. It was in Lindsay Lohan's purse. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Los Angeles staged a mock drill to determine if its first responders are ready for "the Big One." Not an earthquake -- the danger the city will face when Charlie Sheen wakes up and learns he blew $2 million an episode. (Bob Mills)

      Some Los Angeles beach lifeguards spend over 70 hours a week patrolling beaches for debris. On the plus side, they spend so much time around medical waste, they now qualify as pharmacists. (Bob Mills)

      South Carolina state health inspectors made a Gadsden convenience store stop selling raccoon meat. Raccoon meat is interesting; it’s gamier than gopher, and not nearly as tender as buzzard. (Jerry Perisho)

      A museum of organized crime opened in Las Vegas. Actually, Las Vegas is the museum of organized crime. (Jay Leno)

      PETA now wants the part of San Francisco known as the "Tenderloin" to be known as the "Tempeh" district. PETA's executive VP wrote that "the city deserves a neighborhood named after a delicious cruelty-free food instead of the flesh of an abused animal." I guess next the singles bars in the area will be known as "Tofu markets? (Janice Hough)

      PETA wants San Francisco's Tenderloin District to be named Granola Flats. Great, for a second there I was afraid PETA might be thought of as crazy people with too much time on their hands. (Alex Kaseberg)

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