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Weakly Humerus News 03-25-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-25-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK We will always find a way to make this about us. Even though there s really no
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 26, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-25-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      We will always find a way to make this about us. Even though there's really no chance of anybody getting any negligible amount of radiation, Americans on the West Coast are desperately buying up and hoarding iodine pills. Isn't it great that in a land that is divided between conservative morons and liberal pussies, somehow we have managed to find a way to pull together and behave like moronic pussies. (Bill Maher)

      The perjury trial of Barry Bonds continues. Times have certainly changed. He used to cause pitchers to come from the pen. Now, he sends his trainer there. (Alan Ray) 

      I feel great. Last night, I slept like an air traffic controller. (Jay Leno)

      We're at war? Again? Don't we already have two? Wars aren't like kids, where you don't have to worry about the youngest one because the other two will take care of it. And aren't we out of money? You can't simultaneously fire teachers and Tomahawk missiles. (Jon Stewart) 

      Did you see the footage of French planes bombing Libya? The planes look brand new, like they've never been used before. Germany has pulled its forces out of NATO over Libya. When the Germans don't want to fight and the French do, the whole world is upside down. (Jay Leno) 

      The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there's a huge difference between Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas, people gamble with their own money. (Jay Leno) 

      A Vancouver Whitecaps promotion featuring a waist-up shot of a young woman wearing only a painted-on team jersey reportedly offended some fans. I'm not sure what the Caps were thinking with that visual, but I'd like to get to the bottom of it. (RJ Currie)

      Donald Trump says he will run for president. He'll have to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head. Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant. How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One. (David Letterman) 

      President Obama is in Chile. The President of Chile said Michelle Obama is very good looking, and Obama said the same thing about the Chilean President's wife. I'm not sure this is the kind of trade agreement he went there to negotiate. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A new study found that many woodwind and brass instruments used by high school bands are contaminated with bacteria. Kids must remember to always practice safe sax. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Did you hear that AT&T and T-Mobile are getting married? There will be a ceremony but, of course, no reception. (Tim Hunter)

      Omaha Mayor Jim Suttle is asking Washington to impose a ten cent federal tax on toilet paper to pay for local sewer projects. Which should be easy for Congress the way they are used to flushing money down the toilet. (Jim Barach)

      The head of Tokyo Electric today broke down in tears during his news conference. But to keep that in perspective, he's known around the office over there as John Boehner-san. (Bill Maher)

      MARCH MADNESS


      Barack Obama is 29-3 in his picks in the NCAA men's tournament. The president is in the 100th percentile on ESPN.com's Tournament Challenge, tied for 492nd out of 5,923,829 submitted brackets. (Janice Hough)

      President Obama went 29-3 in his round-of-64 NCAA picks, including a perfect 16-0 on one half of his bracket. The left side, naturally. (Dwight Perry)

      Being a proud Canadian, I once again am rooting for Yukon to go all the way. (Gregg Drinnan)

      An Iowa clinic's ad campaign urges sport fans to indulge in some alternative March madness: Have a vasectomy on Thursday or Friday, then spend the weekend recovering while watching NCAA tournament basketball. I heard when some guys' brackets were busted, they were fit to be tied.  (Bill Littlejohn)  

      In the NCAA tournament, Brigham Young goes against Florida. The schools are different. Brigham Young suspended one of their best players, Brandon Davies, for having premarital sex. Florida frowns on it when their players miss practice to have sex. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Final Four will be determined this weekend in college basketball. In this game, even a great player misses 40-60 percent of the time. Talking about his classes. (Alan Ray)

      There are as many teams in the Sweet 16 from the city of Richmond as there are from the Big East. (Falk.com)

      Everyone is focused on March Madness but there haven't been any games in a few days. It's been so boring that President Obama has decided to focus on the situations in Libya and Japan. (Jimmy Fallon)

      #13 Morehead State 62, #4 Louisville 61. This might be the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to coach Rick Pitino, at least while he kept his pants on. (Janice Hough)

      LIBYA & GADHAFI


      It's one humiliation after another for Moammar Gadhafi. First his own people started rising up against him, then his compound was bombed, and now he's getting beaten up by the French. (Jay Leno) 

      The name of the U. S. operation in Libya is 'Odyssey Dawn.' It's the first military action to be named by Crabtree & Evelyn. When the Obamas were in Chile, their President said, 'I think the First Lady of the United States is very good-looking.' So now we're at war with Chile. Operation Lavender Mist.  (Conan O'Brien) 

      According to reports, Khadafy is surrounded by an elite corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya.  (Conan O'Brien)  

      The Pentagon says that U. S. operations in Libya are limited and have a definite end date. I don't believe that. We still have troops in Germany. (Jay Leno)

      Missiles launched from British submarines destroyed a top Libyan command center overnight. It's not clear what this means for people who had Moamar Qadaffi making the Final Four in their brackets. (Jake Novak)

      A problem for our military in Libya is that they can't tell the rebels from Gadhafi's military. The U. N. has now declared that the war be fought as 'shirts vs. skins.'. (Conan O'Brien)

      Moammar Gadhafi is said to be hanging out in a series of underground tunnels. That's basically admitting you're evil. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Hillary Clinton said that Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi is engaged in 'theater'. Which explains the new strategy to defeat him: casting him as the lead in 'Spider-Man: the Musical.' (Jimmy Fallon) 

      The strikes on Libya are costing $100 million. Or, in Moammar Gadhafi terms, five Beyonce concerts. (Conan O'Brien) 

      DONALD TRUMP


      Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, "I'm running for president." (Lewis Black)

      Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents -- doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem. (Lewis Black)

      SARAH PALIN IN ISRAEL


      Sarah Palin is going to Israel next week on a fact-finding tour. She wants to find out things like where is it and who's their king. She says she's very excited to visit the Wailing Wall, because whaling is illegal in Alaska. (Jay Leno) 

      Sarah Palin is on her way to Tel Aviv for a fact-finding tour of kabutzes in Israel. She told reporters she's been in no rush to fly there since she can see the Gaza Strip Mall from her front porch in Wasilla. (Bob Mills)

      On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why they're apologizing all the time. They responded saying, "Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming."  (Conan O'Brien) 

      Sarah Palin is visiting Israel. She can't wait to visit that most famous of religious landmarks. The Wailing Wal Mart. (Alan Ray)

      Sarah Palin visited the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. There was an awkward moment when she said, "So this is what keeps the Mexicans out?" (Conan O'Brien) 

      Sarah Palin is in Israel and she will meet with Prime Minister Netanyahu. It was a little awkward, when first told she would meet Netanyahu, Palin said; "I love that crazy reggae-singing Rabbi≥" (Alex Kaseberg)

      Sarah Palin was a big hit with people in Israel Monday, where she visited many of the holy sites on foot. She really had no choice. The Israelis have all seen Sarah Palin's Alaska, so they couldn't give her a helicopter tour for fear it could break the peace accords. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Sarah Palin visited Israel. She says she likes all religions, "whether they celebrate Christmas or Jewish." (Jimmy Fallon) 

      Sarah Palin visited Israel. As if the Jews have not suffered enough. (Jay Leno)

      CHARLIE SHEEN


      On Piers Morgan's show, Charlie Sheen brought out a drug test to prove that he's clean. Then he answered some questions to prove that he's not. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Last week, Charlie Sheen stood on a rooftop screaming and wielding a machete while drinking red liquid from a bottle labeled "Tiger Blood." This week, Charlie's going to throw bananas at a dwarf, lick a duck and then barbeque a bowling ball. After that? Things are gonna get weird. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Charlie Sheen stormed onto the Jimmy Kimmel Show Tuesday and planted a big wet kiss on the host's lips. He'd just passed a court-ordered drug test. Now just imagine the debate among Baptists this Sunday if abstaining from alcohol and drugs turns you gay. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Charlie Sheen has narrowed down the 74,000 applicants for the job of intern to handle his social media. Not surprisingly, one is porn star Isis Taylor, who might have an inside track due to her resume noting that she has had 'prior relations' with Charlie's 'goddess', Bree Olsen. She's an expert at both social media and social diseases, but this would mark the first time she's ever assumed an unpaid position. (Reeder & Ainsworth) 

      CBS says that after all of Charlie's odd behavior, they're thinking about bringing him back to 'Two and a Half Men.' That'll teach him. (David Letterman)

      On Monday night's "Jimmy Kimmel Live", Charlie Sheen burst on stage and kissed Kimmel on the lips. It will be the better part of a week before Jimmy Kimmel can pass a urine test. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Fox network is considering giving a talk show to Charlie Sheen. It would be the only show with a 30-hour monologue. (Conan O'Brien)

      Charlie Sheen sold out Radio City Music Hall for two stage shows Tuesday while CBS offered him his sitcom back and Fox offered him a talk show. His health is the sticking point. Charlie lost ten pounds last week and today the cartel is looking everywhere for him. (Argus Hamilton) 

      PRESIDENT OBAMA


      President Obama told Americans not to worry about the radiation from Japan — as he left for South America. (Jay Leno) 

      We know more about President Obama's basketball picks than his plans for Libya. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama has to cut his trip to Latin America short because of the situation in Libya — and to check on his NCAA brackets. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      President Obama is cutting his trip to Latin America short by a few hours because of the situation in Libya. So to everyone who said Obama didn't care about Libya, you're wrong. He cares three hours worth. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Remember when President Obama said we can't fight two wars and vowed to change our policy? Well, he did. Now we're fighting three wars. (Jay Leno) 

      Obama said we will send economic aid to Libya to help the Libyan people reach their dreams. And if that works, they'll try it here. (Jay Leno) 

      For Lent, some people give up meat, and some people give up drinking. President Obama gave up conferring with Congress. (Jay Leno)

      THE CONGRESS


      Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was rushed to a hospital in Rome after suffering a dizzy spell during a congressional junket. Current House Speaker John Bohner immediately issued a press release stating that he would be willing to submit to a DNA test to disprove paternity. (Bob Mills)

      THE MILITARY


      The Pentagon held a press-conference about the military operation in Libya. They are calling it Odyssey Dawn. I believe it's the first military operation named after a stripper. (David Letterman) 

      According to Newsweek, 73 percent of Americans can't say why we fought the Cold War. This sounds bad until you consider that no one in the White House can tell us why we're fighting the Libya war. (Jay Leno)

      We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize. (Jay Leno)

      We now have wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Libya. They call it a 'theater' of war but this is a multiplex. (David Letterman)

      THE STATES


      California Marijuana farmers are worried that radiation from Japan could affect their crops. Or maybe for some strange reason they're just being paranoid. (Conan O'Brien)

      The state of Utah has become the first in the nation to name an official state firearm, the Browning M1911 automatic. No poster child yet, but they'll bestow that honor on the first kid who gets into his dad's official state gun case carelessly left unlocked and officially shoots the next door neighbor's kid. (Bob Mills)

      Gold and silver coins are now legal tender in Utah, and those gold-colored coins with chocolate inside are worth even more! (Jake Novak)

      LOCAL NEWS


      A Manhattan mom is suing her daughter’s preschool for not preparing her for grade school. A settlement offer is in the works. The judge has called both sides into timeout. (Alan Ray) 

      New York City has a new service that lets you fight a traffic ticket online. To make it feel like you're talking to a real clerk, you're computer will spend the whole time chewing gum and talking to a friend on the phone. (Jimmy Fallon)

      So the New York City Council has renamed the 102 year-old Queensborough Bridge for 86 year-old former mayor, Ed Koch. One is an ancient, crumbling piece of infrastructure. The other's a bridge. (Marc Ragovin)

      Cocaine was found at the Kennedy Space Center. It's one small step for man, and one giant leap for Charlie Sheen. (Jay Leno)

      The fabled Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas, once home to the legendary "Rat Pack," is being raised to make way for a larger, more garish monument to greed, excess and depravity. But not in the usual fashion. The cast of "The Hangover" will be allowed to demolish it during the filming of "Hangover II." (Bob Mills)

      Don't worry, he's going to be just fine, but a wounded goose in Denver, who was wandering around with an arrow in his chest, has been saved by veterinarians. Apparently, the arrow was shot by an angry and confused Japanese man who thought the goose was Gilbert Gottfried dressed as the AFLAC duck. (Frank King)

      Wheeling, Illinois, plans to spend $1.2 million to build a paved bike and pedestrian path from the Des Plaines River to Interstate 294. It won't be finished until late 2012, which gives officials time to figure out what to do about the fact that it runs right next to the habitat of now-hibernating eastern massasauga rattlesnakes. Since the poisonous rattlers are endangered, environmental officials assume "the project will have an adverse effect on the snakes' habitat," so it will require a special permit and a study of how to minimize the pedestrians' impact on the rattlesnakes. Their main impact on the rattlesnakes will be to make them fatter. (Reeder & Ainsworth)

      A New Jersey school named after President Obama is closing because of low enrollment. That explains the school's new education plan, 'No Child Left' (Jimmy Fallon) 

      A New Mexico woman is suing Chili’s after biting a sewing needle in a ribs entrée. Lawyers for the defendant say the server warned her. “That sauce has kind of a sharp taste.” (Alan Ray)

      The Las Vegas Deputy DA who prosecuted Paris Hilton for cocaine possession was arrested for possession of cocaine. In a written statement, Paris asked, "Did he give a phony-ass excuse like saying he thought it was gum? I love that bit!" (Jerry Perisho)

      A man in Texas used his obituary to ask for donations to anyone running against Obama in 2012. And then his ghost was offered a nightly show on Fox News. (Jimmy Fallon) 

      14-year-old kid in Utah tells police he was grazed by a bullet to cover that he fell and ripped his new pants. Police were suspicious. This was the same kid who reported a burglar broke into his bedroom and wet his bed. (Alex Kaseberg)

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      Rand Paul may be jumping into the 2012 Presidential race. Paul, Kucunich, Bachman, Palin. For political junkies of a certain age, or those who just like political history, Pat Paulson is retrospectively looking more and more like a legitimate candidate. (Janice Hough)

      Dennis Kucinich wants to impeach President Obama over Libya. There's a very good case against impeachment. It's called 'Joe Biden' (Jay Leno)

      You know it's a weird Presidential primary when the Mormon might be the only top tier GOP candidate with only one wife. (Janice Hough)

      Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan, and she's demanding that we invade tsuanmi. She said these tsunamians will not get away with this.  (Bob Maher)

      Sarah Palin learned Friday she's polling behind Charlie Sheen for president among independent voters in the Reuters poll. Hey, they could both win. The next election will mark the twentieth year that Baby Boomers took over this country and started electing presidents for their entertainment value. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Michele Bachman is thinking of launching an exploratory committee to run for president in 2012. If it starts seeming like she has any chance at all for the GOP nomination, donations will be pouring in, from Democrats. (Janice Hough)

      Tea Party star Michele Bachmann is considering a run at the presidency. I look forward to her speaking about the "war between the states" and referencing Arizona vs. Texas during March Madness. (Jerry Perisho)

      THE ECONOMY


      Prescription drugs have boosted Walgreen's profits by 10%. That's a sign the economy is improving. People can now pay for the drugs to combat the illnesses they got from worrying about the economy. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR


      Diet Coke has passed Pepsi as the number 2 soda in sales. Corporate bosses rejected a recent attempt by marketing to be more forthright in ads. “More aspartame than regular soft drinks.” (Alan Ray) 

      AT&T has decided to buy T-Mobile for $39 billion. It was a tough call for AT&T, but then again, every call is a tough call for AT&T. (Jimmy Fallon)

      AT&T will purchase T-Mobile USA for $39 billion. It was originally supposed to cost $29 billion. But the buyers decided to get unlimited texting. (Alan Ray)  

      A Sprint app is available that locks out most phone functions while a person is driving their car. Or people can just sign up with AT&T and have their phone functions locked out all the time. (Jim Barach)

      Ever-expanding Costco now offers its members "pre-need" caskets. Their complete "Chapel-to Dirt" package includes a hearse with a full tank of Costco cut-rate gas, six check-out clerk pall-bearers, and a graveside casket-lowering by a stock boy with a fork lift. (Bob Mills)

      An increase in prescriptions is being credited for the recent 10% rise in Walgreen's profits. Major reason for the spike is the decision of most major medical schools to include penmanship training. (Bob Mills)

      Smartphones with big screens are the most popular, with 25% of the market going to 4" or larger screens. Apparently it's just too hard to watch porn on anything smaller. (Jim Barach)

      Aetna Insurance is suing some New Jersey doctors who charged the company $59,000 for an ultrasound. Why pay that much when someone can just go to the airport and have the TSA do one for free? (Jim Barach)

      Nintendo’s new 3DS handheld system arrives March 27. Users will enjoy the mobility. No matter where you go, you can still waste your entire day. (Alan Ray) 

      Target is suing a gay rights group that it says was harassing its customers, mostly because they were buying polyester. (Jake Novak)

      The former CEO of Qwest is suing his lawyers who he claims were negligent and billed him for their underwear. Apparently he wasn't familiar with the term "legal briefs". (Jim Barach)

      TRANSPORTATION


      An air traffic controller was suspended at National Airport after he fell asleep on the job. A new rule has thus been implemented – controllers are no longer allow to go out for pre-flight Happy Hours with pilots. At this point we don't know if charges will be filed against the air traffic controller who fell asleep at National Airport. In his defense, the controller said he did have a radio in the background turned to one of Joe Biden's speeches. (Janice Hough)

      Toyota announced Wednesday it's shutting down its Lexus plants in Japan for awhile, which could cut off Lexus exports to the U.S. It's a blow to auto safety. The car's tendency to accelerate wildly without any warning made Americans too scared to text while driving. (Argus Hamilton) 

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT


      An Arizona man was sentenced to three years probation for stabbing a man who refused to let him suck his blood: The judge encouraged the man to continue his career as a sports agent.  (Bill Littlejohn)  

      SECURITY


      INS agents arrested a group of illegal aliens trying to march across the border disguised as Marine Corps recruits. The ruse came close to working, too, until an agent noticed they were singing "From the Halls of Montezuma's Revenge." (Bob Mills)

      TERRORISM 


      Al Qaeda has announced it will soon publish a magazine aimed exclusively at Muslim women. It will be designed after Oprah's magazine "O," but Instead of giving fans new cars, they'll get new pick-up trucks to blow themselves up in. (Bob Mills)

      A former teacher was convicted of helping terrorists ship paint-ball pellets to Pakistan. And none too soon. President Obama received several top-secret reports from under-cover agents at Sherwin-Williams that the Pakistanis have been manufacturing colors of mass saturation. (Bob Mills)

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