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Weakly Humerus News 03-05-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-05-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Ex-Brazilian soccer coach Vanderlei Luxemburgo says Ronaldo wore diapers during
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 5, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 03-05-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE


      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK


      Ex-Brazilian soccer coach Vanderlei Luxemburgo says Ronaldo wore diapers during the 1999 Copa America tournament because of incontinence from diet pills. Don't you just hate the way star athletes are pampered? (Ian Hamilton)

      Elton John has disclosed that he and his partner did indeed receive an invitation to Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding. Makes sense, what would a Royal Wedding be without England's most famous queen? (Janice Hough)

      Masha Lopatova, wife of Utah Jazz guard Andrei Kirilenko, reportedly allows him one day a year to be with another woman. This puts a whole new spin on an uncontested score. (RJ Currie)

      Congress funded the government for two weeks Tuesday as they negotiate budget cuts with the White House. One congressman proposed cutting funds for the president's Teleprompter. When President Obama finds about about this, he's going to be speechless. (Argus Hamilton)

      65,000 Mazda cars were recalled because of a type of spider building webs in the engine. They are now the first vehicle manufacturer in the computer age to actually turn one of their cars into a web site. (Jim Barach)

      Overheard during the post-Oscar parties: "What I thought was an hors d'oeuvre was part of Lady Gaga's outfit." (Bob Mills)

      Everyone is saying we have to take control of Moammar Gadhafi. We can't even control Charlie Sheen. (Jay Leno)

      The government of Romania will soon prosecute witches and fortune tellers whose predictions fail to materialize. They're very serious about weeding out phonies. They've already convicted Christine O'Donnell in absentia. (Bob Mills)

      BYU center Brandon Davies was suspended for the rest of the season for having sex. When they say that the team is full of pure shooters, they really mean pure. (Jim Barach)

      Charlie Sheen says that his show will be back and that he's a man of his word. I believe that word is "crack." (Jay Leno)

      The FDA says a migraine drug, Topamax, ups the risk for birth defects. Sure, because if she takes the drug she won't have the proverbial headache. (Scott Witt)

      'The Social Network' won for 'Best Original Score'. You have to wonder about the number of Zuckerberg's contemporaries who know what an 'Original Score' is about. I would wager that for many Facebook users, the first thing they think of with 'original score' is their first hookup of the evening. (Janice Hough)


      CHARLIE SHEEN


      Charlie Sheen said that he’s now more popular than President Obama, at which point Mike Huckabee accused him of growing up in Kenya. (Jay Leno) 

      Outspoken Charlie Sheen keeps saying things that tick people off. Makes me think he's considering a run for vice-president. (Tim Hunter)

      Charlie Sheen lives with two women, a porn star and model he calls his "goddesses" because they don't judge him. They mostly don't judge him because they are a porn star and a model. (Jake Novak)

      Over the weekend, Charlie passed a drug test. There were no drugs in his blood or urine. Apparently it was all still stuck in his nose. (Jay Leno)

      On Piers Morgan's show, Charlie Sheen brought out a drug test to prove that he's clean. Then he answered some questions to prove that he's not. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Charlie Sheen went on radio Thursday dishing out anti-Semitic slurs against his TV show producer and claiming he could turn tin into gold. It's the drugs. He's so far out there that the Church of Scientology just warned all their new members not to be recruited into his cult. (Argus Hamilton)

      Mel Gibson was thanked by Charlie Sheen on ABC News Tuesday for calling him up and advising him and monitoring him this past week. Mel's counseling seems to be paying off. It's been seven days since Charlie had a drink or acknowledged the Holocaust. (Argus Hamilton)

      “Jersey Shore” doesn’t seem so crazy now that we have Charlie Sheen. Now, it’s more like watching “Touched By an Angel.” (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      Charlie Sheen has officially gone crazy, and not just a little crazy. Even Gary Busey thinks he's nuts. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Charlie Sheen should realize that it's now time to worry. I mean, when Lindsay Lohan says she's worried about you. (Tim Hunter)

      I've been tracking Hurricane Charlie Sheen. He's making Mel Gibson look like Debbie Gibson. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Charlie created a Twitter account to fill the gap between saying crazy things on television with saying crazy things online. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Charlie Sheen joined Twitter and within two days, had 1.4 million people following him. To be fair, most of those people work for the Center for Disease Control. Charlie even beat Oprah’s record. Charlie, drugs and alcohol are one thing, but now you’re playing with fire. (Conan O'Brien) 

      CBS has shut down Charlie Sheen's show, "Two and a Half Men." Now I'm back to being CBS' No. 1 paid embarrassment. (Conan O'Brien)

      CBS canceled this year's four remaining Two and a Half Men episodes Friday, citing Charlie Sheen's manic behavior. He was perfectly rational when he got the news during a radio interview. He didn't blame the network, he blamed the Wisconsin Teachers Union. (Argus Hamilton)

      Charlie Sheen wants an additional $1 million per episode for "Two and a Half Men." That's a bold move -- after being fired, to ask for a million-dollar raise. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Charlie Sheen says he will come back, but he wants a raise. At least he hasn't lost his sense of humor. (Conan O'Brien) 

      Now that Charlie Sheen's hit sitcom has been canceled, I hear he's being considered for another project. It will be a one-man show called ‘Two and a Half Egos’. (Nancy Jo Perdue)

      Charlie Sheen says he is going to sue CBS for $320 Million for mental anguish. He's got a pretty good case if he can prove that at some point in his life he was ever normal. (Jake Novak)

      So far, Charlie Sheen has been interviewed by "Good Morning, America," "The Today Show," "The Early Show," "20-20," "Frontline," "CNN's 360" -- and this afternoon I heard him talking to the girl in my GPS device. (Bob Mills)

      In a phone interview on the radio show 'Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw', Sheen was asked why a good looking movie star needs to hire women to come to his house. Sheen answered, “I don’t pay women to come to my house, I pay them to leave when I tell them to.”  (Alex Kaseberg)  

      Charlie Sheen's publicist resigned. I'm really excited to see what Charlie is like now that he can say whatever he wants. (Conan O'Brien)

      Charlie Sheen's publicist quit today. Makes sense, you don't need a publicist to get a train wreck into the news. (Janice Hough)

      Charlie Sheen said that you can't compare him to other people because he has "tiger blood." Then Tiger Woods said, "I have Charlie Sheen blood." (Jay Leno)

      How bad is it getting for Charlie Sheen? A Los Angeles judge ordered late Tuesday that the actor's twin nearly two-year old boys be removed from his Los Angeles home. Apparently the judge felt they needed to be with a more responsible adult, like Britney Spears. (Janice Hough)

      Today Charlie Sheen gave yet another in a long line of rambling, incoherent interviews after his twin boys were removed. This is getting tiresome, forget that his wife, his show, his publicist and kids have left him, you know Sheen is in trouble when comedians are getting tired of his crap.  (Alex Kaseberg)   

      Charlie Sheen’s nearly-two-year-old twin boys were removed from his drug and porn star-ridden home and will be sent to a more stable environment: Moammar Gadhafi’s Libyan palace. (Alex Kaseberg)  

      There's been a casting change for 2011. The role of Mel Gibson will now be played by Charlie Sheen. (Jimmy Fallon)

      It was Forty years ago this month that Nancy Reagan launched the War on Drugs with the motto ‘Just Say No.’ Ten years later it was changed to ‘Just Say Maybe.’ Today it's become, ‘If Watching Charlie Sheen Doesn't Do It For You, Nothing Will.’ (Bob Mills)

      Charlie Sheen is on every show, except the one he should be on: "Celebrity Rehab." (Jay Leno)

      The CBS commissary has named a sandwich after Charlie Sheen. It's called a tuna meltdown. (Conan O'Brien)

      Charlie Sheen told E! News that he plans to release his own fragrance. It combines the delightful aromas of sweat, cigarettes, and denial. (Jimmy Fallon)


      THE OSCARS


      People complained that the Oscars were too dull. They've already named the hosts for next year: Charlie Sheen and Moammar Gadhafi. (Conan O'Brien)

      The younger demographic viewing audience was down 15% for the Oscars Sunday night. Mostly because most younger people can't stay off Facebook and Twitter for a full three hours. (Jake Novak)

      The general consensus is that the Oscars' "youth movement" attempt with Anne Hathaway and James Franco was a resounding thud. If the Academy Awards really wanted the "must-see television" label last night, I understand Charlie Sheen was available. (Janice Hough)

      It was really cool at the Oscars when they made it appear as if Bob Hope was alive. That's the same technology they'll use at Hugh Hefner's wedding. (Jay Leno)

      For a brief moment during the evening, co-host James Franco actually appeared to be lucid. (Jerry Perisho)

      Several TV critics claimed that James Franco was high while hosting the Oscars. At least somebody enjoyed the show. (Conan O'Brien)

      Watching the Academy Awards is a lot like riding on JetBlue. You sit there for four hours until the thing takes off. (David Letterman)

      In Los Angeles, the Oscars are like a national holiday. Everyone spends the whole weekend putting on their mascara. And the women are even worse. (Craig Ferguson)

      Mike Huckabee slammed Natalie Portman for her 'troubling" pregnancy, saying "I think it gives a distorted image. It's unfortunate that we glorify and glamorize the idea of out-of-wedlock children." Apparently single mothers should avoid the Oscars and stay on "Dancing with the Stars" where they belong. And let's be real here -- Would Huckabee have preferred Portman had an abortion? (Janice Hough)

      They brought Billy Crystal out for three minutes in the middle of the Oscars. That's like bringing Michael Jordan out in the middle of a kids' basketball game. (Craig Ferguson)

      Anne Hathaway says she was paid $750,000 to wear a Tiffany diamond necklace to the Oscars. Lindsay Lohan said, "You can do that?" (Craig Ferguson)

      "The King's Speech" won the Best Picture Oscar and three other Academy Awards. But most movie fans are awaiting the 3D version.  (Jake Novak)

      Christian Bale won the Best Supporting Actor award for playing a mentally unstable drug addict. Then Charlie Sheen said, "You can get an Oscar for that?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Melissa Leo won the Best Supporting Actress award for "The Fighter," although that's not the F-word she'll be remembered for. (Tim Hunter)

      Jeffrey Lurie, owner of the Philadelphia Eagles, won an Academy Award for producing the documentary 'Inside Job'. It is the story of how an NFL team breaks a man out of prison so he can quarterback the Eagles. (Cam Hutchinson)  

      "True Grit" should have been in the Best Foreign Film category because I couldn't understand a thing Jeff Bridges said. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The Academy Awards are the biggest event where the prize is an immovable statue since the 1992 NBA draft, when the first pick was Shaquille O'Neal. (Janice Hough)

      Overheard during the post-Oscar parties: "We stayed dry on the Red Carpet. We rented space under Kirstie Alley." (Bob Mills)

      At one of the Oscars after-parties, Mila Kunis was seen gorging herself on watercress and Dexatrim. (Jerry Perisho)


      MOAMMAR GADHAFI


      A top U. S. official says that Libyan leader Muammar Gadaffi is "delusional". Although they say he is still more rational at this point than Charlie Sheen. (Jim Barach)

      The Middle East has their own Charlie Sheen right now: Moammar Gadhafi. They're saying Gadhafi is "disconnected from reality." According to the State Department, Gadhafi thought this year's Oscars were fantastic. (Conan O'Brien)

      Moammar Gadhafi gave a rambling speech that lasted nearly three hours. So now we know where all of Charlie Sheen's cocaine went. (Conan O'Brien)

      Moammar Gadhafi is starting to sound a little crazy. Al-Jazeera canceled his show, "Two and a Half Shiites." (David Letterman)

      The latest rumor is that Moammar Gadhafi is calling other countries to find a place to live in exile. So far, only Chile has offered to rent out an empty mine. (Jay Leno)

      On a rambling call to a TV station, Gadhafi ranted about his enemies and blamed others for his problems. He said he feels fine and is ready to go back to work. He's now the Charlie Sheen of Libya. (Jay Leno)

      Gadhafi said his people "love him." I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the rebel gunfire. (David Letterman)

      There are reports that Moammar Gadhafi's son plagiarized his doctoral thesis. You think you know somebody. (David Letterman)


      LINDSAY LOHAN


      Lindsay Lohan tweeted her support for Libya's pro-democracy protesters in Tripoli Friday, displaying a newly-acquired world awareness. She's actually watching the news. Most young adults in Los Angeles merely assume that Tripoli is Kim Kardashian's cup size. (Argus Hamilton)

      Lindsay Lohan was read the riot act by her L. A. judge Wednesday. The judge told her she's going to jail. Last week he ordered her to find a sponsor with a lot of experience in recovering from alcohol to give her advice and guidance, and she selected Charlie Sheen. (Argus Hamilton)

      Lindsay Lohan is back in court. She has been there so many times, they've renamed her case, California v. You Again? (Jay Leno)

      The judge in the Lindsay Lohan jewelry theft case said any plea would result in jail time for Lohan; its all part of California's new get-tough 42-strikes-and-you're-out law. (Alex Kaseberg)


      CHRISTINE AGUILERA


      Christina Aguilera has signed on to be a coach on the new TV show "The Voice". She will work with upcoming singers on their technique. The show will have to hire someone else to help them with memorizing the lyrics. (Jim Barach)

      Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication. I don't know if she was disoriented or what, but she demanded to go back on the set of "Two and a Half Men." (Jay Leno)

      Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication. Police knew she was drunk because she got all the words to the national anthem right. (Conan O'Brien)

      Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication. Is that really a crime? Apparently Aguilera was stumbling and incoherent, which makes her perfect to host next year's Oscars. (Craig Ferguson)

      Singer Christina Aguilera was arrested early Tuesday in Hollywood on suspicion of public drunkenness. When he heard the news about Aguilera's arrest, Charlie Sheen said, "What a publicity whore." (Jerry Perisho)


      PRESIDENT OBAMA


      President Obama said Wednesday he'll no longer support the Defense of Marriage Act in court challenges. The bill was passed into law by a coalition of conservatives applying Bible law to today's law. It defines marriage as a union between two Republicans. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama indicates he wants the U.S. to be a partner in democratic reform across the Middle East. It's not easy. In a perfect world they'd all become an American-style democracy, with a government that's based on the will of the lobbyists. (Argus Hamilton)


      THE CONGRESS


      A federal watchdog agency says that overlapping and duplicate programs waste billions of dollars each year. Congress is taking this study so seriously that they're ordering a second study to look into it. (Jay Leno)

      Whew, that was close.  The House passed an emergency bill that prevented the federal government from shutting down. Quite frankly, this kind of stuff makes Libya look like a well-oiled machine.  (Jerry Perisho)

      The U.S. House has passed a temporary spending bill to avert a government shutdown. Federal workers can now rest easy. At their desks, like they do every day. (Alan Ray) 

      The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore. (Conan O'Brien)


      THE COURTS


      When they asked Justice Thomas why
      He won't speak in the Court, he was wry
      In his written response.
      He displayed nonchalance,
      Said "no comment" is my reply.
      (Kirk Miller)


      THE STATES


      NJ and IL are feuding over which state is better for business. Well, IL has lower taxes. Half the voters pay none, being dead. (Scott Witt)

      Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker wants to cut $900 Million from public schools in the state budget. What do you call Wisconsin after cutting nearly a billion dollars from education? Alabama. (Jim Barach)

      Gov. Scott Walker’s dispute with Wisconsin’s labor unions is making him unpopular with his constituents, who feel like he’s attacking his own people. That’s not good, because the only other guy doing that right now is Moammar Gadhafi. (Jay Leno)

      Does Scott Walker know Ronald Reagan supported unions and collective bargaining. (Scott Witt)

      A poll says that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's plan for paring the budget, including cuts in environmental regulations and education is becoming more popular. Mostly because most people feel if they cut all funds for the environment and education in New Jersey, who would notice? (Jim Barach)

      The Gallup Poll released Friday revealed that the most conservative state in the union is Mississippi. What do they mean, in the union? It's the only state that filed a lawsuit against ObamaCare on the basis that the U. S. has no jurisdiction over Mississippi. (Argus Hamilton)

      A bill passed in Texas would mean anyone who "intentionally, knowingly, or recklessly" hires an illegal immigrant could face up to 2 years in jail and a $10,000 fine. With one exception – anyone hiring for such an immigrant for "labor or other work to be performed exclusively or primarily at a single-family residence." Translation, y'all don't expect us to mow our own lawns, clean our own homes or raise our own kids, do y'all?" (Janice Hough)

      Connecticut may soon require all convicted gun offenders to register where they live with law enforcement authorities. Of course that registry already exists, it's called the UConn football roster. (Jake Novak)


      LOCAL NEWS


      White House former chief of staff Rahm Emanuel was elected mayor of Chicago by a huge margin. It was the usual coalition. Emanuel carried sixty percent of the black vote, sixty-five percent of the women's vote and one hundred percent of the deceased vote. (Argus Hamilton)

      White House former Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel was elected mayor of Chicago last week after a coalition of unions, women and businessmen joined to support his election. The win could bring some major changes to his life. He'll probably have to move to Chicago. (Argus Hamilton)

      New York City’s Mayor Bloomberg has banned outdoor smoking. Gun smoke, radioactive steam, and the guy on the corner roasting a goat are no problem. New Yorkers were quick to obey the new law. Yesterday, I saw a crack dealer selling Nicorette gum. (David Letterman)  

      A man in Florida who was arrested this week listed his religion as "Redneck." He even recited a prayer in the name of the father who's also the son of the sister's half-cousin. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Memphis pizza delivery driver Susan Guy is being hailed as a hero after she learned the pizzeria hadn't heard from an elderly customer in three days, and the woman usually ordered a large pepperoni pizza every day. Guy went to her home and discovered she was on the floor and couldn't get up. The woman's all-pizza diet saved her life. That's why I'll never need a medic alert bracelet: I'll just depend on the Domino's guy to save me. (Reeder & Ainsworth) 

      A California man drove 35 miles at speeds up to 100-mph with his wife on the hood hanging on to a wiper blade. I've heard of an 'ornament wife', but never a 'hood ornament wife'. (Jerry Perisho)

      An Illinois man was taken for $200,000 from a fake online girlfriend he never even met. He says he isn't concerned. He says he will get all that back and then some from a Nigerian Prince he just got in touch with. (Jim Barach)

      An administrator for the city of Bell, California says she didn't think there was anything illegal about the huge loans she authorized for other city officials. She also says she saw nothing strange about the face that they all asked for the money to be placed in unmarked bills underneath a loose floorboard at City Hall. (Jake Novak)

      A couple in Texas delivered their newborn son in a strip club parking lot. They’ve named their newborn Pacman. (Bill Littlejohn)   

      An Alabama man accidentally shot himself, and then his wife was shot by their small child who picked up the gun. At least it's good to see that family activities in the South are still a popular tradition. (Jake Novak)


      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      Tea Party founder Judson Phillips is already saying that the party should make it a goal to defeat Speaker of the House John Boehner in the Republican primary, because Boehner is "only" calling for $61 billion in spending cuts, instead of the promised $100 billion. And somewhere, Nancy Pelosi is reading this story and giggling. (Janice Hough)

      The investigation into former U. S. Senator John Edwards' affair with Rielle Hunter has apparently found voicemails that allegedly provide evidence of his involvement in the cover-up effort. Jeez. Some thought we might be getting another President Kennedy, now it looks like we could have another President Nixon. (Janice Hough)

      Former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards is now under a grand jury investigation for allegedly trying to cover up a sex tape with his mistress. The court is trying to determine if the recording was for Edwards' personal use or just an audition tape to hang out with Charlie Sheen. (Jake Novak)

      Sarah Palin is going to a political conference in India next month. Palin said she's loved India ever since she saw "Hoosiers." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Sarah Palin recently told fans at a political rally that she'll be going to India in mid-April and will visit the Taj Mahal. She says she can't wait to see if the Indians were able to construct as accurate a copy of the original one in Vegas as the Romans did with Caesar's Palace. (Bob Mills)


      THE

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