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Weakly Humerus News 02-26-11 (CORRECTED COPY)

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-26-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK They say President Lincoln once walked three miles to pay back a penny. That makes
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 26, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-26-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK


      They say President Lincoln once walked three miles to pay back a penny. That makes him the last president to do anything about the debt. (David Letterman) 

      Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said, "Nevada needs to be known as the first place for innovation and investment, not as the last place where prostitution is still legal." The definition of irony is a politician telling a prostitute to stop being such a whore. (Reeder & Ainsworth) 

      In the Mideast Muslims are getting in fights with their former supporters. The Shiites are hitting their fans. (Jay Leno)

      The Caltech men's basketball team ended a 26-year, 310-game conference losing streak when Occidental missed their last-gasp shot. It figures. They try to win for all those years then it happens Occidentally. (RJ Currie)

      Let me get this straight. Larry King is getting his 8th divorce, Elizabeth Taylor is possibly getting married for a 9th time, Britney Spears had a 55 hour marriage. Jesse James, and Tiger Woods while married were having sex with everyone. Yet, the idea of same-sex marriage is going to destroy the institution of marriage? Really? (Marsha Rose Katz)

      The NCAA, wrapping up a 22-month investigation, concluded that Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl and ex-football coach Lane Kiffin both committed recruiting violations and failed to promote an atmosphere of compliance of NCAA rules. For those of you scoring at home, that's not a perfect Tenn. (Dwight Perry) 

      Trevor Bayne, 20, won the Daytona 500 in just his second NASCAR race: He's believed to be the first victor of the race to be on a learner's permit. (Budd Bailey)

      A London ice cream parlor has started selling scoops made from frozen human breast milk. As far as sizes, presumably the ice cream will be available in A, B, C and D cups. (Janice Hough)

      A former Hershey official says that board members abused the company trust money to take luxurious trips and pad their pockets. Apparently they felt that one of the benefits of working for Hershey was enjoying the sweet life. (Jake Novak)

      Mikhail Prokharov tried to lure Carmello Anthony to the Nets. In the end, James Dolon managed to Knicks the deal. (RJ Currie)

      The governor of Wisconsin and school teachers are having a showdown. The teachers say the governor is trying to pack their contract with costs. The governor says if they aren't willing to pay a fair amount of their healthcare, then they're stealing from the state. Wow, it's the Packers versus the Stealers all over again! (Tim Hunter)

      Congratulations to Rahm Emanuel on being elected mayor of Chicago. His first order of business after taking office will be to actually move to Chicago. (Jay Leno)

      RAHM EMANUEL


      Rahm Emanuel is expected to win the election for mayor of Chicago. In keeping with Chicago tradition, his victory was announced two weeks ago. (Conan O'Brien)

      If Rahm Emanuel is elected as mayor, he'll have to keep his language clean. He wouldn't want to sully the otherwise spotless reputation of Chicago politics. (Craig Ferguson)

      It must have been a tough decision for Rahm to leave the White House, because if he doesn't get elected mayor, he may be unemployed. But either way, he got away from Biden. (Craig Ferguson)

      Rahm Emanuel has won the Chicago mayoral election and avoided a runoff. Impressively, he even got the votes of over 50 percent of the voters who are still actually alive. (Janice Hough)

      For helping him get elected mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel thanked all the little people. To say nothing of all the dead people. (Jerry Perisho)

      Chicago mayor-elect Rahm Emanuel thanked all who voted for him and ordered a special gratitude wreath placed on graves in city cemeteries. (Scott Witt)

      MOAMMAR GADHAFI


      Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi described President Obama as an African of Arab and Muslim descent. After the speech, Gadhafi was given his own show on Fox News. (Conan O'Brien)

      Libya's Moammar Khaddafi drew world outrage Monday ordering his troops to open fire on protesters. There goes rehab. Seven years ago, Moammar Khadaffi was taken off America's state sponsor of terror list and placed on America's valuable supplier of oil list. (Argus Hamilton)

      Moammar Gadhafi said that Libyan protesters were all on drugs, and then he blamed it on al-Qaida. Now, he's saying it's the fault of the teachers unions. (Jay Leno)

      Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi was on TV and he was angry and defiant. Then he went off the air and no one has seen him since -- kind of like Keith Olbermann. (Jay Leno)

      Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of "hallucination pills." In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya. (Conan O'Brien)

      Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi's control of his country is slipping away as the citizens learn he is crazy. Just yesterday the people found out he'd traded away almost everything to get Carmelo Anthony. (Jerry Perisho)

      In Libya this could be the end for strongman and exhausted Lionel Ritchie impersonator Moammar Khadafy. With any luck we’ll get to see citizens storm the Palace and Moammar’s posse of 40 to 50 female bodyguards defend him. That news footage will be golden. The menacing click-clack of razor-sharp 5-inch stiletto heels. Choreographed waves of 6-foot amazons spin-kicking protesters in the jaw. It’ll be like a Janet Jackson video. (Stephen Colbert)

      Protesters in Libya have taken over one city and are moving to control even more. It's so chaotic, the Libyan government is too distracted to carry out this week's planned terrorist fantasy league draft. (Jake Novak)

      Top Surprise in Gadhafi's address: Even he can't believe how much the Knicks gave for Carmelo Anthny (David Letterman)

      People in Libya want Moammar Gadhafi to leave. The problem is, he'll be replaced by his idiot son, Moammar W. Gadhafi. (David Letterman)

      HARRY REED


      Harry Reid says he thinks Nevada should end legal prostitution. This is not exactly what the citizens of the state want to hear from their government. At least prostitutes provide value when you pay to get screwed. (Janice Hough)

      Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to outlaw prostitution in his home state of Nevada. He said he wants to keep prostitution where it belongs -- in Washington, D.C. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid urged Nevada to outlaw brothels in his guest speech to Nevada's legislature Wednesday. Why pick on prostitution? It's the only industry that hasn't been outsourced to India or consigned to Chinese twelve-year-olds. (Argus Hamilton)

      Harry Reid says families tell him they "don't want their children to look out of a school bus and see a brothel." Children shouldn't look out of a school bus and see a brothel! They should see a casino!  (Reeder & Ainsworth)

      Harry Reid is being terribly selfish in wanting to shut down Nevada's prostitution parlors just because he's too old to be welcome. (Scott Witt)

      Tuesday, Sen. Harry Reid said he thinks it's time that Nevada stop legal prostitution. That night, he got the spanking of a lifetime; he loved it. (Jerry Perisho)

      Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid knows why his home state of Nevada is struggling and has a 15 percent unemployment rate. It's the legal prostitution. Reid claims he recently met with a group of businessmen, and one complained about the legal brothels, and he said, "Nevada needs to be known as the first place for innovation and investment, not as the last place where prostitution is still legal." Does he seriously believe that making prostitution illegal will get Nevadans back on their feet?  (Reeder & Ainsworth) 

      PRESIDENT OBAMA


      It's not fun to be president. Half the country hates you and the other half is disappointed in you. I know exactly what that's like. (Craig Ferguson)

      President Obama proposed a budget that doesn't cut Social Security or Medicare or Medicaid Monday, avoiding entitlements altogether. It paints the GOP in a corner. Republicans just realized if he won't touch sacred cows then he's not Muslim, he's a Hindu. (Argus Hamilton)

      New rule: Stop calling it Obamacare. It's not like Obama will be the doctor for your next prostate exam. That's just a common fantasy of Republican men. (Bill Maher)

      President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off. (Conan O'Brien)

      President Obama had dinner with some of the top tech executives: the CEO of Facebook, the CEO of Apple, the CEO of Oracle, and their waiter, the CEO of MySpace. (Jay Leno)

      CONGRESS


      Rep. Betty McCollum (D-Minn) is pushing to ban the military from using taxpayer money to sponsor NASCAR race teams. Exhibit A: The National Guard's tab on Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s ride was roughly $20 million. Or to put it in Pentagon terms, about 100 screwdrivers. (Dwight Perry) 

      THE COURTS


      A judge has thrown out a lawsuit saying that the Obama Administration's health care overhaul requires people to buy insurance which violates their religious freedom to rely on God to protect them. Otherwise known as people with pre-existing conditions. (Jim Barach)

      Today will mark five years since Supreme Court Judge Clarence Thomas has spoken during oral arguments. I guess he paid attention to that old Lincoln quote, "Better to keep silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt." (Janice Hough)

      THE MILITARY


      The Pentagon is testing a robotic hummingbird that can be used as a spy camera. They say it will help them track down terrorists and pretty flowers. (Jay Leno)

      THE STATES


      Wisconsin Senate Democrats fled the state to deny Republican attempts to curb union benefits. Tempers flared. The governor demands that legislators show up for work and do what legislators do, post shirtless pictures of themselves on the Internet. (Argus Hamilton)

      Wisconsin Senate Democrats stayed missing Monday to avoid a vote lowering state worker benefits. Now Indiana Democrats have disappeared. The Democrats just fired the donkey as the party symbol and replaced it with a police sketch of the Lindbergh baby. (Argus Hamilton)

      In Wisconsin, state troopers were sent to the homes of some state senate Democrats who were rumored to be spending nights there. Meanwhile, 75 miles of underground tunnels from Illinois to Madison are nearly completed; Illinois will also import ringers for the Cubs. (Jerry Perisho)

      Texas is about to pass legislation that will allow college students to carry concealed weapons on campus. What could possibly go wrong with that? Booze, sex, and firearms; it's the trifecta of the perfect college experience. (Jerry Perisho)

      Texas is reportedly going to give college students the right to carry guns on campus. So I guess that next semester, every college student in Texas is getting straight A's. (Conan O'Brien)

      The state of Texas will soon allow college co-eds to legally pack firearms on campus. Wow. Now when cheerleaders yell "Siss..., Boom..., Baa..., " they'll be able to graphically demonstrate the "Boom." (Bob Mills)

      LOCAL NEWS


      There's a proposal in San Francisco to ban circumcision. Apparently, the proposal has the support of 100 percent of newborn males. (Jay Leno)

      Washington, D.C. is the place where people read the most in the country. In New York City, we do a lot of reading too: parking tickets, health code violations, ransom notes, and Chinese take-out menus. (David Letterman) 

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      Newsweek ran a poll Monday showing any number of Republicans could beat Barack Obama next year. There's no consensus candidate. Among California Republicans the leading GOP contenders to unseat the president are Ron Paul, Donald Trump and a ham sandwich. (Argus Hamilton)

      Christine O'Donnell says she has been approached by Dancing With the Stars, but will probably turn it down. Apparently they don't allow props -- even brooms. (Janice Hough)

      Sarah Palin came out against the "birthers" in her own party, saying questions about President Obama's citizenship are "annoying" and a "distraction." Translation: She's beginning to worry that the same people who don't know Hawaii is a state, aren't sure about Alaska either. (Janice Hough)

      Sarah Palin is traveling to India in March. She says she's especially interested in meeting the Indian people and hopes someone will invite her to visit their teepee. (Janice Hough)

      Ann Coulter said she loves Sarah Palin, but said Palin would be crazy to run for president. Ann Coulter calling Sarah Palin crazy is like Bernie Madoff calling Lindsay Lohan a crook. (Jerry Perisho)

      THE ECONOMY


      The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof. (Jay Leno)

      Analysts say the cost of gas may continue to soar over the crisis in Libya. What's the oil industry term for having to raise prices amid turmoil in the Middle East? A good excuse. (Alan Ray)

      Economists say that with all this unrest, gas prices could rise to $5 a gallon. The good news is that instead of this money going to ruthless America-hating dictators, it will go to ruthless America-hating democracies. (Jay Leno)

      BUSINESS & LABOR


      Kentucky Fried Chicken is changing its slogan from 'Finger Lickin' Good' to 'Artery Clogging Good'. KFC changes their slogan every 50 years, just like their fryer oil. (David Letterman)

      Kraft Foods, makers of Oreos and Macaroni & Cheese says that it will try to hold down prices despite a sharp increase in the cost of commodities like grain, wheat and rice. Fortunately, none of their products rely on any of those healthy kinds of ingredients. (Jake Novak)

      A machine has been developed that can turn plastic bags into fuel. The machine converts the bags back to oil. Developers say the process means that Joan Rivers and Cher could deliver up to 32 miles per gallon.

      TRANSPORTATION


      The TSA was rocked by news Tuesday that security screeners stole money out of passengers suitcases at Newark and Honolulu airports. The airlines aren't responsible for the suitcases. All passengers are clearly warned that the contents may shift during the flight. (Argus Hamilton)

      The budget airline EasyJet apologized to Jewish passengers for only serving pork on a flight to Israel. Still, that wasn't nearly as bad as their in-flight entertainment, a Mel Gibson double feature. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Pilots, boaters and hikers are having to adjust to a shift in the Earth's magnetic north of about 40 miles a year. That's almost as much as a shift to the right in the Republican Party. (Jake Novak)

      Virgin America is testing a biofueled plane. This raises a question about airline modernization. If they can spend millions developing clean energy, how come they won’t update their magazines? (Alan Ray)

      Richard Branson, founder of Virgin Airlines, has started Virgin Galactic, which will take ordinary people into space. By ordinary people, I mean people that can afford $200,000 a ticket. (Craig Ferguson)

      Boeing has unveiled the new 787, the longest passenger plane in the world. It seats 500 passengers comfortably, or 2,800 passengers uncomfortably. (Jay Leno)

      A new airline, LV Air has opened service between Las Vegas and New York City. The airline offers in flight meals cooked by Las Vegas chefs. They also go high card double or nothing on luggage and blanket fees. (Jake Novak)

      Russian airline Aeroflot announced they have begun hiring comedians to entertain passengers during flights. They're still working out the kinks. No women are allowed to sit in the emergency exit row after three nuns walked out on Andrew Dice Clay last week. (Argus Hamilton)

      A Russian airline is hiring clowns, actors, and musicians to entertain passengers during flights. When I'm on a stuffy plane with babies crying and people complaining, my first thought is always, "There should be clowns here." (Jimmy Fallon)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT


      Police in Shiremanstown, Penn., charged Rip Alan Swartz with harassment. They say that he would make random phone calls - sometimes more than 400 in a day, and try to get women to engage in sexually explicit conversations about pantyhose. His neighbors were shocked; they say he seemed like a real "No Nonsense" kinda guy. (Reeder & Ainsworth)

      A Missouri man is accused of secretly filming tanning salon patrons through a hole in the wall. He'd have gotten away with it except for the deep, dark tan circle he had around his right eye. (Jerry Perisho)

      CIVIL RIGHTS 


      President Obama says he will no longer back the anti-gay Defense of Marriage Act. This comes two years after he decided to stop backing the defense of the United States. (Jake Novak)

      President Obama has ordered his lawyers to stop defending a federal law that bans recognition of same-sex marriage. So where are all the conservatives applauding Obama's initiative in reducing government intrusion into our lives? (Janice Hough)

      Open note to the GOP: If you are really serious that our nation's top priority is reducing abortions, what about making it a crime for heterosexual men without certified vasectomies to have sex outside of marriage? (Janice Hough)

      Arizona may now require emergency room nurses to ask patients about their immigration status. Usually, they just ask them if they have any spare pot or meth to share. (Jake Novak)

      NASA & SPACE


      The space shuttle Discovery took off from Cape Canaveral on its last mission. Like everything else in Florida, it's at retirement age. (Craig Ferguson)

      Scientists have completed the first cosmic census to count the planets in the galaxy. Before this, a cosmic census referred to a head count at a Grateful Dead concert. (Jim Barach)

      CANADA


      The Canadian government has decided to let Randy Quaid and his wife stay in the country. The bad news is, we have to keep Alex Trebek. (Craig Ferguson)

      GREAT BRITAIN


      Prince William and Kate Middleton sent out invitations to 1,900 guests for their upcoming Royal Wedding. Word is that Sarah Ferguson has already put hers up for sale on Ebay. (Jim Barach)

      Buckingham Palace sent out invites to the Royal Wedding and excluded President Obama Friday. Only leaders from British Commonwealth nations are invited. Former colonies like the U. S. and India won't be turned away, but will have to eat at the card table. (Argus Hamilton)

      Queen Elizabeth posted a help-wanted ad online Wednesday for an assistant in the Buckingham Palace washroom. It's not glamorous work. James Bond draws a royal flush in the second scene of every movie, but he wins a lot more than twenty dollars an hour. (Argus Hamilton)

      An ice cream parlor in London plans to make breast milk ice cream available in the near future. It's an expensive product; it costs a lot to have lactating women stand in your freezer all day. (Jerry Perisho)

      Overcoming initial skepticism, theater critics in London are warming up to "Anna Nichol Smith: The Opera." Actually, it accurately portrays Anna's tragic life and it has some big names, too. In the storyline, Lady Gaga marries Placido Domingo for his money. (Bob Mills)

      EUROPE


      According to a new survey, one in three Russians think the sun revolves around the earth. This came as a surprise to Alexander Ovechkin, who is pretty sure it revolves around him. (RJ Currie)

      AFRICA


      The Cairo Times reports that an Egyptian couple just named their newborn baby Facebook in honor of the social network's impact on overthrowing President Mubarak. They want the baby to be president of Egypt. That means some of us may have to live another fifty years to enjoy the satisfaction of seeing Facebook overthrown. (Argus Hamilton

      The Algerian government has declared an end to the State of Emergency declared back in 1992. Apparently the term "emergency" loses some of its immediacy towards the end of the second decade. (Jake Novak)

      THE MIDDLE EAST


      They're calling the Middle East uprisings the 'Jasmine Revolution.' Historians say it's the first revolution that could double as a new scent of Febreze." (Conan O'Brien)  

      All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It's amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care. (Bill Maher)

      The king of Saudi Arabia announced that he is giving his people $37 billion in subsidies and payments. It's not a stimulus package, it's a "don't overthrow me" package. (Jay Leno)

      THE FAR EAST


      A 30-year-old man died in a Beijing cyber café after playing video games for 72 hours straight without sleeping or eating. However, since he had several 'virtual' meals and 8-hours of 'virtual' sleep, the coroner has ruled it a 'virtual' death. (Bob Mills)

      AUSTRALIA & OCEAN ISLANDS


      Malaysian Police have arrested three men in connection with the theft of 725,000 condoms. If convicted they are looking at a stiff sentence. (Jake Novak)

      SCIENCE


      The end of mercury thermometers could be near as a switch is being made over to other liquids and digital thermometers. Apparently health officials are trying to keep mercury where it belongs, in cans of tuna. (Jake Novak)

      Swedish researchers performed an experiment where they were able to trick people's brains into thinking they had three arms. Apparently these were the same people who bought homes with subprime mortgages. (Jake Novak)

      HEALTH


      A report says the number of primary care physicians is down. The biggest shortages are mostly found in the same geographic region, patient treatment rooms. (Alan Ray)  

      A study says that where a person lives helps determine what kind of elective surgery they will have. Doctors in Montana are more likely to recommend hip surgery, stents are more common in Ohio, and everything in California ends up with a tummy tuck. (Jake Novak)

      A study shows people who live near fast food restaurants are more susceptible to strokes. What’s the first sign of a hardening of the arteries? “Wendy’s Triple, only $1.99.” (Alan Ray)

      A new study shows that talking on a cell phone for more than 45 minutes at a time changes brain activity, especially after you get punched in the face by the guy next to you on the bus for talking on a cell phone for 45 minutes. (Jake Novak)

      US health officials say tests for sexually transmitted diseases in the elderly should be covered by Medicare. Or, we could just print the instructions on condom wrappers in a larger font. (Jerry Perisho)

      SPORTS


      Caltech posted its first conference victory in more than 26 years Tuesday, defeating Occidental in its season finale, 46-45, bringing its run of 310 consecutive conference losses to an end. The streak began on Jan. 23, 1985, with a 48-47 loss to La Verne. A ticker-tape parade through downtown Pasadena is scheduled for Thursday with all classes cancelled for the event. (Stan Kegel)

      The Caltech men's basketball team edged Occidental by a single point in their season finale 46-45, ending a conference losing skid of 310 consecutive games that spanned 26 years. And there's more good news. After calculating the statistical improbability of the streak, Caltech has been nominated for their 32nd nobel. (RJ Currie)

      Occidental College lost their season finale in basketball tonight, 46-45 to Caltech, which came into the game on a 310 game conference losing streak. Suddenly that Lakers loss to Cleveland doesn't seem quite so embarrassing. (Janice Hough)

      Sources in California say the Jay at Maverick's ‘Big Wave Surfing Invitational’ which was under threat of cancellation due to a lack of gian

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