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Weakly Humerus News 02-05-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-05-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK The bookies have put the odds out for this weekend. The Packers are slightly
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 5, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 02-05-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK


      The bookies have put the odds out for this weekend. The Packers are slightly favored over the Steelers and the rioters are slightly favored over President Mubarak. (Jay Leno) 

      Chicago is expecting something like 20 inches of snow. In fact, today Rahm Emanuel said he's glad he doesn't really live there. (Jay Leno)

      Troy Polamalu is the NFL's Defensive Player of the Year. Clay Matthews is the hair apparent. (RJ Currie)

      Despite NCAA scholarship sanctions, USC brought in 30 new players. Good to see Enron's accountants have found work again. (Torben Rolfsen)

      Right now, big problems in Egypt: protests, riots, arrests. The government claims it's all part of a big pyramid scheme. (Tim Hunter)

      Mubarak's son Gamal does not want to be Egypt's next president. Experts say it's no big deal, because "if you've seen one Mubarak, you've seen Gamal." (Conan O'Brien)

      Have you heard about the proposal to warm the water at a swimming pool in Redditch, England, with excess heat generated by a neighboring crematorium? If the plan goes ahead, every race will end in a dead heat. (Ian Hamilton)

      ABC news reporter Brian Hartman says he was threatened with beheading by Egyptian rioters. When ABC News said it needed to lose heads to cut costs, they weren't kidding. (Jim Barach)

      Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh won the NFL rookie of the year award. Not bad for a boy named Suh. (RJ Currie)

      Oprah Winfrey talked about her week of eating vegan. It was easy. All she did was eat at Taco Bell. (Conan O'Brien)

      Sarah Palin is an expert on Sputnik, she said, because she can see the moon from her house. (Bill Maher)

      According to research, sex during pregnancy is always safe — unless your wife comes home and catches you. (Conan O'Brien)

      Bill O'Reilly says he's concerned about House Speaker John Boehner's emotional stability. That's like Charlie Sheen saying he's distressed about Lindsay Lohan's drug use. (Jerry Perisho)

      EGYPT


      ‎These days it seems like you can't have an armed street mob without it turning ugly. (Stephen Colbert)

      In Egypt, the groundhog came out of his hole yesterday and saw his shadow. That, of course, means six more months of Mubarak. (Tim Hunter)

      Rioters in Egypt have delivered to the government a list of demands that Mubarak step down, that top government officials be prosecuted for corruption and that Egypt start charging the US for use of the pyramid on their dollar bill. (Bob Mills)

      Huge riots continue in Egypt. Experts say one of the problems over there is there is a huge difference in wealth between the extremely rich and the vast majority of the people who have nothing. Thank God that could never happen in this country, huh? (Jay Leno) 

      I was offered an interview with Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak but we decided to go with Alex Trebek and Kim Kardashian. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Lacking real weapons, the Egyptian rioters are attacking the Army with anything they can lay their hands on -- sticks, bottles, stones. Yesterday, a corporal was winged by an unemployed belly dancer's castanet. (Bob Mills)

      I don't know much about politics over there in Egypt, but I heard they broke into their national museum and destroyed some mummies. The one thing I do know is that disturbing 2,000-year-old mummies is a terrible idea. If there's one thing Brendan Fraser has taught us, it's that. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      As the groundswell of protests has increased, communications have closed down. All routes to Egyptian networks are closed and there's nothing on the routing tables. We rang the Egyptian Embassy for an explanation. They said that possibly a cleaner might have unplugged the Internet by mistake. (MicroScope)

      President Hosni Mubarak agreed to step down Tuesday, a week after he shut Egypt off from the Internet. That really backfired on him. The fastest way to get one million men out of their houses and onto the streets is to prevent them from downloading porn. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Protesters in Egypt are telling their government to "accept the realities of the modern age we live in." Then they were attacked by guys on camels with whips. (Jay Leno)

      Secretary of state Hillary Clinton said regarding the crises in Egypt that the Obama administration is not advocating or working toward any specific outcome. Same policy they had during the economic crises. Just kind of go along and see what happens. (Jay Leno)

      Things are getting so bad in Cairo, thousands of Egyptians are trying to get to America by disguising themselves as overpriced King Tut museum souveniers. (Jake Novak)

      Things are not looking good for Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak. Today he canceled his Super Bowl party. That's a bad sign. (Jay Leno)

      The Egyptian protesters are using Facebook to get away from the police, but the police are using Farmville to build fences to keep the protesters in. (Jay Leno) 

      Protesters in Egypt are demanding that President Murabak step down by Friday. Murabak says he'll leave in 5 years and then hand the job off to Conan. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      It was announced that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak's son won't run for president. It makes sense. An unpopular man is voted out of office and then his inexperienced son becomes president? That could never happen. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak said he would resign, but Egypt would then descend into chaos. Then he said, "Now, I have to go look out a window for the first time in two weeks." (Conan O'Brien)

      President Mubarak says he won't step down until September, but that he won't seek another rigged election. He plans to retire to his ranch in Crawford, Texas. Is this guy really leaving in September, or is he just pulling a Leno? (David Letterman)

      Egypt's president Hosni Mubarak promised Tuesday to retire in September but the street protesters didn't believe him and demanded that he retire right away. People in America understand their skepticism. We go through this every summer with Brett Favre. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Even Brett Favre was like, "Come on man, retire already, you're embarrassing yourself. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak announced he will not run for another term as president. The bad news is that this spring he's taking over for Regis. And guess where Regis is going? He's going to run Egypt. (Conan O'Brien)

      The good news is that Hosni Mubarak may step down. The bad news is that he may be replaced by his idiot son Hosni W. Mubarak. (David Letterman)

      The pro-Democracy protests in Cairo are expected to draw one million people today. Usually to get that many Arabs to show up anywhere you have to promise to stone some women to death. (Jake Novak)

      Now the Egyptian crowds who are protesting have turned against the United States. Oh boy, I didn't see that coming. (David Letterman)

      I've been watching a lot of the news footage, and it turns out they don't walk like Egyptians after all. They walk regular like us. They're also tired of having a president named Hosni. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Experts now say the protests in Egypt were started by bloggers. Bloggers started the whole thing on Facebook. In fact, the No. 1 choice to replace Mubarak, Justin Bieber. (Jay Leno)

      Tens of thousands of Egyptians are crowding into Cairo again today. They are demanding free elections, freedom of speech, and no NFL lockout for 2011. (Jake Novak)

      Celebrities are tweeting about Egypt. Larry King has offered to go there and speak personally to the Pharaoh. (Conan O'Brien)

      CNN's Anderson Cooper was punched in the head in Egypt. We have to take Anderson's word since it was on CNN, so no one saw it. (Jay Leno)

      While in Egypt, CNN's Anderson Cooper was attacked and beaten, which raises 2 questions. Is it safe to send our media into these places? And how do we get Glenn Beck over there? (Conan O'Brien)

      ‎Alright, Hosni. Now you've gone too far. Hands off Anderson Cooper. There is not to be a silvery wisp out of place on that man's glorious head. (Jon Stewart)

      Anderson Cooper from CNN was in Egypt, and he got punched 10 different times. And I thought, well, wait a minute, that happens to me walking to work every day here in New York, (David Letterman)

      Apparently something is going on over in Egypt. Anderson Cooper and his crew got attacked by pro-government forces. He got hit in the head about 10 times, and I think he got kicked in the Mini Cooper too. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Rioting in Egypt is getting so bad, UN peacekeeping troops may have to be diverted to Cairo from their current mission inside Charlie Sheen's house. (Jake Novak)

      THE SUPERBOWL


      The Super Bowl is Sunday. The game highlights the attributes of physical fitness, strict diet, and personal discipline. The event will be sponsored by Doritos, Pepsi, and Budweiser. (Alan Ray)

      The Green Bay Packers reached the Super Bowl by knocking off the Eagles and Falcons and Bears in consecutive weeks. It takes forty-nine extra-large men to keep up with Sarah Palin during hunting season. (Argus Hamilton)

      It is literally freezing in Dallas as fans arrive for the Super Bowl. You know it's cold when you check into your hotel room and you hear the bed bug's teeth chattering. It is so cold that the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders started wearing their flannel short shorts. (Jerry Perisho)

      There's been an ice storm in Texas this week, and temperatures are way below normal. In fact, folks in Dallas haven't seen anything this cold since the Cowboys' offence. (Janice Hough)

      The Super Bowl is Sunday in Dallas. Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger plans to rely on a lot of short passes. And once he leaves the Arlington Hooters, it’s on to the stadium. (Alan Ray) 

      Jenny the Elephant of the Dallas Zoo predicts a Packers victory by crushing a melon painted in Steeler colors, Of course she likes the Packers, she's a packer-derm. (Bill Littlejohn)

      At a low temperature of 17 degrees, it was colder Tuesday in Dallas than it was in Milwaukee and Pittsburgh, not to mention Vancouver, Canada, and Oslo, Norway. The latter two have hosted the Winter Olympics. (Jerry Crowe)

      A shortage of strippers is expected in Dallas for the Super Bowl. Pacman Jones says that is the final straw and there will be a players' strike in 2011. (Torben Rolfsen)

      People use DVRs to skip commercials. Me, I'll use mine to skip the dumb stuff on the Dallas field and watch the million-dollar commercials. (Scott Witt)

      Justin Bieber is teaming up with Ozzy Osbourne for a Best Buy Super Bowl ad. Sharon Osbourne assured Justin's fans that Bieber has nothing to fear from Ozzy. Even Ozzy Osbourne knows that if he bites off Justin's head he'll choke on the hair. (Frank King)

      THE SNOWSTORM & COLD WEATHER


      The Weather Channel reported Friday a record-high snowfall total for the month of January for much of the Eastern Seaboard along with record cold. Sometimes it seems like the world is coming to an end. The five-day forecast for Egypt is two days. (Argus Hamilton) 

      The storm of the century is going to hit here tonight. But when you think about it, it's 2011. How can it be the storm of the century? It's more like the leader in the clubhouse. (David Letterman)

      The Weather Channel issued frost warnings for forty states as an Arctic cold front sent temperatures below zero. The nation is a virtual icebox. Americans watching the chaos in Cairo saw the rioters wearing short sleeves and the chaos looked pretty good. (Argus Hamilton)

      The winter storm has caused the cancelation of over 11,000 flights. Many of the pilots had to sleep at the airport because they were too drunk to drive home. (Jay Leno)

      It was so cold in New York that the PETA people are saying, "Maybe fur ain't that bad." (David Letterman)

      It was so cold in Washington, D.C., that John Boehner's tears were freezing before they hit the ground. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      It was so cold in Washington, D.C., that they needed jumper cables to get Dick Cheney started. (Jay Leno)

      It is so cold in Washington, Speaker John Beohner's tan went from deep carrot amber to a paler shade of burnt persimmon orange. (Alex Kaseberg)

      We are so lucky here in California because the rest of the country is just in a deep freeze. In fact, people in New York are shivering so much, everybody is talking like they're in the movie "The King's Speech." (Jay Leno)

      It's so cold that Justin Bieber has grown an extra set of bangs. (David Letterman)

      Chicago's Lake Shore Drive, or LSD as locals call it, was shut down due to snow. When the headline read "LSD covered in White Powder", Charlie Sheen booked a private jet from L. A. to O'Hare. (Alex Kaseberg)

      In Chicago, Oprah gave every person in her audience the flu. (Jerry Perisho)

      There's so much snow in Chicago, earlier today Oprah gave everyone a snowplow. (David Letterman)

      The Chicago storm is so nasty Bear QB Jay Cutler was shoveling his walk but had to quit half way due to a sore knee. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The Weather Channel reported St. Louis was socked in by a blizzard Tuesday. No one can remember such high winds in Missouri in the winter. Missourians walked outside the next morning and the newspaper on everybody's front porch was the Minneapolis Star Tribune. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Today Al Gore blamed the current snow storms on global warming. Al Gore said, "A rise in global temperature creates havoc ranging from hotter dry spells to colder winters, increasing violent storms, flooding, forest fires and loss of endangered species." And finally Tipper said, "Al will you just pay the kid for shoveling the walk, please." (Jay Leno)

      There's a lot of snow falling and it's very cold. Finally, America's extra layer of fat comes in handy. Take that, Michelle Obama. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA


      Doctor says Obama has high cholesterol, finally proving to the Birthers that he is American. (Funny Quotes Daily)

      Notice how Obama's hair has lost its former specks of gray? He must be dying to stay in office. (Scott Witt)

      ADMINISTRATION


      Vice President Joe Biden has suggested to people out of work to just "hang in there." What a difference two years makes: Remember "hope and change"? Now it's "hang in there." (Jay Leno)

      THE CONGRESS


      Senate Republicans introduced a bill to repeal ObamaCare Wednesday after a U.S. judge ruled health care reform unconstitutional. People are genuinely worried. If a president can order you to buy health insurance, the first lady can make you eat broccoli. (Argus Hamilton) 

      The Republicans have dropped controversial language in an anti-abortion bill that would have greatly narrowed the definition of rape. The wording had been known privately as the Roethlisberger codicil. (Dwight Perry) 

      House Speaker John Boehner says he is willing to play golf with President Obama. The only problem is that the country clubs that Boehner belongs to don't allow black people on the golf course. (Jim Barach) 

      John Boehner, the congressman from Ohio, is the new speaker of the House. We know that he cries. It's some sort of enzyme problem. If he can't find his car keys, he'll just sit down and sob. (David Letterman) 

      House Speaker, John Boehner defended being a smoker. Boehner should be careful smoking. God forbid his spray tan gets ignited, he would light up like a sparkler. (Alex Kaseberg)

      There were two Republican responses to the State of the Union. So if you watched the whole night, it was kind of evolution in reverse. You have Obama, then Paul Ryan, and then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet had a squirrel monkey give his take. (Bill Maher)

      Rep. Michele Bachmann created controversy when she said in a speech that the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until slavery was no more. Apparently she spent her high school history class looking off to the right of the blackboard. (Seth Meyers)

      Congresswoman Michelle Bachman gave the Tea Party response to the State of the Union Tuesday. She was once the senior class valedictorian, the homecoming queen, head cheerleader and she played the lead role in the school play. You can't beat home schooling. (Argus Hamilton) 

      GOP Congresswoman Michelle Bachman gave the Tea Party response to the State of the Union in which she said that the Founding Fathers ended slavery when they wrote the Constitution.  (Argus Hamilton) 

      You saw the big controversy with Michele Bachmann. She did not look directly into the camera, which made it harder for the teabaggers to masturbate. (Bill Maher)

      She didn't look into the camera. She said America was created by a miracle, and secret armies of IRS agents are trying to take away your light bulbs. And then Sarah Palin tweeted, “Game on, bitch." (Bill Maher)

      Senator Chuck Schumer in an interview referred to the three branches of government as "the House, Senate and White House". Apparently he means they are the three branches of government who actually are bound to the Constitution and can't just rewrite it every time they get together. (Jim Barach) 

      A spokesperson for Sen. John McCain said he won't meet Snooki this week even though she was in D. C. Do you really need to announce that you're not meeting with Snooki? That's like Obama going, "Welcome to the State of the Union. I'd just like to let everyone know that I will not be having brunch with Amber from 'Teen Mom' tomorrow." (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE MILITARY


      The Pentagon has announced a 3-month timetable for gay to be able to serve openly in the military. They want it so coincide with the season finale of 'Glee.' (Jay Leno)

      THE STATES


      California Governor Jerry Brown makes his "State of the State" address is today. He's going to ask Californians to support tax hikes, which isn't expected to cause much of a reaction because that part of the speech will not be broadcast in Spanish. (Jake Novak)

      A proposed bill in South Dakota would mandate every citizen over 21 to buy a gun. The legislation would apply to the three South Dakota residents who don't already have an arsenal. (Jim Barach) 

      The state of Nevada now tops the nation in real estate foreclosures. Last week we stayed at a Reno Bed & Breakfast that was reasonable, but we had to make our own bed, cook our own breakfast and help the sheriff lock the place up. (Bob Mills)

      LOCAL NEWS


      New York City is about to ban smoking even in most outdoor areas. So from now on if you want to kill yourself in New York, you'll just have to go to Yankee Stadium wearing a Red Sox hat.

      The City of New York has banned smoking in parks. It's an ordinance to benefit those who don't light up. After all, if people want to breathe bad air, they can take a cab. (Alan Ray)

      A police department in Texas is letting bicycle cops wear cameras on their helmets. The department says it's all part of their plan to somehow make the nerdiest form of law enforcement even nerdier. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Two ice fishermen in Michigan called police after they were assaulted by a woman wielding a fish. One man was knocked on his bass; the other claims to have suffered a loss of herring. The women was caught and released. (RJ Currie)

      Two unsuspecting ice fishermen in Norton Shores, Mich., got hit upside the head by a fish-wielding woman, the Muskegon Chronicle reported, because she said they put their shanty too close to hers. Their fellow anglers might want to wait a few weeks before asking, "Get any good strikes lately?" (Dwight Perry)

      New York's tourism-concious Mayor Bloomberg believes street vendors should be regulated by the Health Department like restaurants. Along the same lines, he wants to teach streetwalkers CPR since they entertain so many out-of-shape conventioneers. (Bob Mills)

      New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg says pension costs will rise to about 12% of the city's total budget this year. The other 88% will be used to protect the mayor from union thugs after he cuts their pensions. (Jake Novak)

      A man in New York was arrested for stealing a garbage truck. They knew he wasn't a real garbage man because he kept stopping to pick up trash. (Jimmy Fallon)

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      The Democratic Convention will be held in Charlotte, North Carolina in 2012. To keep Republican and Tea Party protesters away, they will make sure to schedule it to coincide with a NASCAR race. (Jim Barach) 

      The big rumor: Sarah Palin said she may run for president. I understand there's an opening in Egypt. (Jay Leno)

      Sarah Palin weighed in on Sputnik. She got everything wrong. She said the Russians won the space race and that the Soviet Union collapsed because of Sputnik, which was in 1957, and they collapsed in 1991. She's not even dumb for a politician. She's dumb for a reality show contestant. (Bill Maher)

      Sarah Palin will keynote the Reagan Library dinner in Simi Valley next week to mark the Gipper's one-hundredth birthday. She just can't wait. Most speakers ask the event chairman if the speech includes dinner, but Sarah just asked if there's a fine for shooting coyotes. (Argus Hamilton)

      Bill Clinton was named Man of the Year by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals because of his public campaign urging everyone to eat vegan. He talked about how easy it was for him to switch to a meat-free diet. All he had to do was eat at Taco Bell. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Happy birthday to Dick Cheney. I think he's 70 years old. Dick celebrated by shooting a cake. (David Letterman) 

      They had a party at Dick Cheney's house and he invited 12 people to his birthday party. At midnight he told them, "Only 11 of you will be leaving with a heart."  (David Letterman) 

      Meg Whitman spent $178.5 Million on her losing campaign for California Governor. Not only that, she got a poor eBay rating for failing to deliver. (Jim Barach) 

      THE ECONOMY


      The hemline theory of economics states that when women's dresses get shorter the economy improves. After seeing what Mexican TV reporter Inez Sainz wore at Super Bowl Media Day, a lot of stocks went up. (RJ Currie)

      A report says that 26% of Americans trust the U. S. financial system. Which is exactly the same number of Americans who still believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. (Jim Barach) 

      BUSINESS & LABOR


      NewsCorp would like to sell MySpace. There's hope. GE found a sucker for MSNBC. (Scott Witt)

      MGM in Las Vegas has set the over-under line for Sunday's Lingerie Bowl VIII at 36 ½. (Dwight Perry)

      Taco Bell is being sued for failing to meet the minimum requirements of acceptable ground beef. But you can tell they've addressed the issue by their new slogan: "Taco Bell: we now meet the minimum requirements of acceptable ground beef." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Historians are opposing a plan by Wal Mart to locate close to a hallowed Civil War battlefield. It may be a tad commercial. A nearby mall already features Abraham Lincoln delivering his famous Gettysburg Address -- "Fourscore and 7-Eleven…" (Bob Mills)

      The Hooters restaurant chain is up for sale. It’s an attractive investment. There are lots of nice looking assets. (Alan Ray) 

      Disney CEO Robert Iger's pay went up 30% in 2010. The Seven Dwarfs are still mad because after asking for a raise they were told the company was a little short. (Jim Barach) 

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