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Weakly Humerus News 01-29-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-29-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 29, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-29-11


      Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card. (Bill Maher)

      On "Meet the Press," Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor says he believes Obama is a citizen. (Janice Hough)

      'The National Enquirer' says Sarah Palin’s husband Todd has been having an affair with a massage therapist who’s also been arrested for prostitution. What is it with all these massage therapists? Al Gore, Brett Favre, and now Todd Palin. When will one of these stories have a happy ending? (Jay Leno)

      The Interior Department is in charge of salmon while they're in fresh water, but the Commerce Department handles them when they're in salt water. I hear it gets even more complicated once they're smoked. (Barack Obama)

      President Obama gave his State of the Union speech from the U. S. Capitol in a buoyant mood Tuesday. He'd just received some tremendous economic news. They finally found his birth certificate in Honolulu and discovered that he too is Oprah Winfrey's half-sister. (Argus Hamilton) 

      There are unconfirmed reports of a melee at a New York doga class - a popular new fitness craze where owners do yoga with their pooches. Things took a bad turn during the downward-facing dog when someone stepped into a Poodle. Then suddenly, the Shih Tzu hit the fan. (RJ Currie)

      For the State of the Union address last night, Republicans and Democrats sat next to each other, instead of on opposite sides. The press called it 'date night.' How come they go on a date, but we're the ones who get screwed. (Jay Leno) 

      A new iPhone app lets you have a virtual girlfriend. It’s just like having the real thing. Several times a day she calls and nags you. (Alan Ray) 

      The Yankees signed former Expo and 2005 AL Cy Young winner Bartolo Colon to a minor league contract. I hear Bartolo is half the pitcher he used to be. Does that make him a semi-Colon? (RJ Currie)

      An increase in certain head and neck cancers is being tied to oral sex. And they used to say that a cigarette was the most dangerous thing to put in your mouth. If you are getting cancer from oral sex, maybe it’s time to think you might not be doing it right. (Jim Barach) 

      Now that Nancy Pelosi is no longer the Speaker of the House, we won't have to see her jump up and applause 70 times during the State of the Union Address. Of course, President Obama will have to pause at least two or three dozen times to let John Boehner cry. (Jake Novak)

      Jockeys got pulled off their mounts for Wednesday's horse-racing card at the Kyneton And Hanging RockRacing Club in Kyneton, Australia, because a bunch of kangaroos invaded the track. In other words, the reins were called on account of game. (Dwight Perry)

      Sixty percent of Americans do not believe the biblical story of Adam and Eve, but instead embrace Darwin's theory of Evolution. That notwithstanding, many of them continue to have difficulty explaining how anything could have evolved into Snooki. (Bob Mills)


      President Obama gives a state of the union address Tuesday. Bipartisanship is the theme in the chamber. In a dramatic show of unity, Democrats and Republicans will accept bribes together. (Alan Ray) 

      Tomorrow is the State of the Union Address, and Republicans and Democrats will sit together intermingled, if for no other reason than the raw sexual tension. (Conan O'Brien)

      In the spirit of bi-partisanism, many lawmakers in Washington D. C. will be sitting during the State of the Union with rivals and colleagues they might barely talk with at other times. In fact, rumor has it Bill might even sit with Hillary. (Janice Hough)

      How low have our politics sunk that people are congratulating themselves for sitting next to each other?  (Andy Borowitz)

      President Obama will deliver his State of the Union address before the U. S. Congress tonight. His speechwriters want him to begin by saying that the State of the Union is good. Starting a speech with a good joke is the surest way to get the crowd on your side. (Argus Hamilton) 

      If Obama really believed the state of our union was strong, he would have proved it by karate chopping that podium in half.  (Stephen Colbert) 

      Immediately following the President’s speech, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wis) will give the official Republican response, followed by Michele Bachmann (R-Minn), who will give the official moron response. (Andy Borowitz) 

      Preparing for what most political insiders agree is their most important performance of the year, congressional Republicans have spent the past week rehearsing their grouchiest facial expressions for Tuesday's State of the Union Address. (Andy Borowitz) 

      The State of the Union Address is being given live at the Verizon Wireless US Capitol building.  (Steve Agee) 

      President Obama said we need to simplify our tax code in his State of the Union speech. What could be more simpler? You have an income, the IRS takes it. (Jim Barach) 

      President Obama made his annual State of the Union address tonight from Washington, D.C. It was on all the channels. One of the shows they pre-empted was an hour of "America's Biggest Loser," which means all those fat people exercised this week for no reason at all. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama promised to veto any bill sent to his desk with earmarks. I think he's just being overly sensitive about his ears. He also said we have to win the future. He said that seven different times. I'd settle on tying the future. I don't like to get greedy. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama said our country is facing another Sputnik moment, which is well over the heads of a lot of young people. They think Sputnik is Snooki's older sister. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama gave the annual State of the Union address last night. I learn something new at these every year. Like, did you know that East Virginia isn't a state? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      "Immediately following the president's speech, there were responses from the Republican Party and the Tea Party, followed by a red carpet analysis from Joan Rivers and C-Span's Fashion Police. (Wendel Potter)

      The Republican response to the speech was fairly gracious. They said it was a pretty good speech for a foreigner. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Last night, President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Vice President Biden called it a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner called it a real tearjerker. (Jay Leno)

      Boehner's tear duct tampons seemed to have worked well.  (Aimee Brock)

      Michele Bachmann will push Tea Party agenda, including "Don't Add, Don't Spell." (Andy Borowitz)

      Tea Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the Founding Fathers eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. Another female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote. (Jay Leno)

      The Tea Party needs a leader with more credibility than Michele Bachmann. Snooki? (Andy Borowitz) 

      Rep. Bachmann's response expected to focus on how Founding Father John Quincy Jones ended slavery while producing "We Are The World"  (Keith Olbermann)

      Rep. Michele Bachmann gave a rebuttal for the Tea Party, and she is a natural on camera. She looked to the side the whole time. Either the cue cards were in the wrong place or she was keeping an eye out for illegal immigrants the whole time. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Obviously, Michele Bachmann was looking off-camera at Sarah Palin's hand. (Andy Borowitz) 

      What if, after ten minutes or so, Michele Bachman had turned directly to the camera and said, "I know you're there! Be quiet, Demons!"  (John Hodgman)


      Oprah revealed that she has found her half sister. Her mother had a baby, but didn't tell anyone about it. That's how you know you're overweight, when no one can tell you've been pregnant. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Oprah's mother gave the baby up for adoption. This family just loves giving things away. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A 48-year-old woman just found out she's Oprah's half sister. It's the first time I've ever seen a human with actual cartoon dollar signs in their eyes. (Craig Ferguson)

      Oprah Winfrey announced on her show yesterday that she's discovered a half-sister that she didn't know she had. Her name is Patricia but now she's legally changing it to "Ka-ching!" (Tim Hunter)

      The sister eventually found out that Oprah is her half sister, and now she has to decide on whether she wants the lump sum or the annual payments. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama started out his State of the Union address with some happy news. Turns out he's Oprah's half brother. Pretty amazing. You know what that means? We are out of debt! (Jay Leno) 

      In the State of the Union address tonight, President Obama focused his speech on how to bring prosperity back to America. It basically involves all of us convincing Oprah we're her half sister. That's the plan. (Conan O'Brien)

      Oprah announced that she has found her half sister, who was given up for adoption as a child. Then, so no one would feel left out, Oprah gave everyone in the audience their own half sister. (Conan O'Brien)

      Everybody in Oprah's Monday audience got a surprise half-sister of their very own. They were tucked under the seats. (Jerry Perisho)

      After Oprah Winfrey revealed that she had found her half sister, she stunned audience members with the revelation that she had hidden all of their long lost half sisters under their seats! "You get a half sister! You get a half sister. You get a half sister, YEAH!!!" Unfortunately, most of the newly found half sisters did not come tax free. (Jake Novak)

      On her Monday show, Oprah Winfrey claimed the discovery of a half-sister led to several epiphanies. Later, she admitted it was just gas. (Jerry Perisho)

      Oprah was in Australia for a week. She liked it so much that she's putting it on a boat and having it shipped to her house. Oprah gave away many gifts to her audience, and each person even went home with their own Aborigine. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      Oprah Winfrey has introduced a long lost half-sister.  Her competitors are not to be outdone.  Jerry Springer just announced his audience is half crazy. (Alan Ray)


      China's President Hu Jintao toasted America at the White House state dinner in his honor on Wednesday. He looked a bit bewildered. How good a time can you really be having if somebody is throwing a lavish party in your honor with money you loaned him? (Argus Hamilton) 

      While in Washington, Chinese President Hu Jintao met with members of Congress. It was very festive as the leader of Red China met with our orange speaker of the House. (Jay Leno) 

      It was quite a site to see Obama next to President Hu. Obama has a Nobel Peace Prize in his basement, and Hu has a Nobel Peace prize winner in his. (Bill Maher)

      China's president Hu Jintao thanked president Obama for his hospitality Thursday before he left. The White House state dinner belonged on Comedy Central. The head waiter asked Obama six times who gets served first and Obama agreed with him all six times. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Hu Jintao flew to Chicago for a lunch with hundreds of businessmen and bankers on Friday. In the last few years China has bought up nine hundred billion dollars in U. S. Treasury bills. He's holding so much U. S. debt even the Mexicans admit that it's his country. (Argus Hamilton) 

      While visiting Chicago, President Hu met with Cubs fans. Apparently, he wanted to see some Americans who have suffered more human rights violations than his own people. (Jay Leno) 

      Even though President Hu was only in Chicago for two days, by the Rahm Emanuel standard, he was able to establish residency and can now run for mayor of Chicago. (Jay Leno)

      Hu Jintao visited a Chicago school Friday which teaches the Chinese language to U. S. kids. Tomorrow's American needs to know Spanish in order to give instructions and Chinese in order to take instructions. English will still be spoken, but only in the traditional masses. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Hu Jintao flew home to China Saturday after four days in the United States. It's such a relief when the creditor leaves. America now has a month to make the rent or we'll be forced to move back in with Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip and live in the basement. (Argus Hamilton) 


      White House press secretary Robert Gibbs hedged Monday when asked if President Obama has really quit smoking. It's never the smoker's fault. President Obama says he'd like to quit smoking but he can't get the sixty votes in the Senate to make it happen. (Argus Hamilton)

      This picture of Obama with President Hu of China has people wondering if our President is dying his hair. Maybe he’s been using a little Just for Presidents. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Hawaii's governor said Friday he still can't find Obama's birth certificate. He can't get through the crowd at the hall of records. Looking for Obama's birth certificate has become something tourists love to do late in the afternoon after they've had enough sun. (Argus Hamilton) 


      The president has named his new press secretary: a guy named Jim Carney. Because nothing says integrity like the name Carney. (Craig Ferguson)

      Vice President Joe Biden was called for jury duty. He can get out of it if he can convince the judge that his presence at his job is essential. So he's going to jury duty. (Jay Leno)


      Every Republican in Congress voted to repeal the health care legislation. They admitted it was symbolic, but it does enable Republicans to brag in campaign ads next year that they voted to let poor people die. (Bill Maher)

      House Republicans passed a bill Wednesday to repeal the Democrats' health care bill, which forced Americans to buy medical insurance. They're writing a new bill. Under the Republican health care bill, medical insurance is voluntary, but it forces everybody to take golf lessons. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Congress is proposing a bill that would give President Obama a kill switch that he could use to freeze all activity on the Internet if there were a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top-secret name Microsoft Windows. (Conan O'Brien)

      What amazes me is that that kind of stuff never makes John Boehner cry. Congress this week was recognizing the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy's inauguration, a man that John Boehner doesn't like, has no allegiance with politically, and it was 50 years ago. He cried. This guy is an ad for Paxil. (Bill Maher)

      Boehner was subject to some controversy because the President hosted President Hu of China this week, and Boehner was invited to the State Dinner and did not come. President Hu was very disappointed. He promised his friends back home that he would get a picture with 'orange man who leaks.' (Bill Maher)

      I always thought Boehner's tan was a vanity issue. But now I realize that it's leather chair camouflage. (John Hodgman)

      If you take Obama's skin + Biden's skin, you get Boehner's skin. (Maz Jobrani)

      Now that former Tea-Party darling Marco Rubio has won his Senate seat over Charlie Crist and Kendrick Meek, he has both been a no-show at the Tea-Party caucus, and hired a DC GOP insider-lobbyist as his chief of staff. Not surprised, the only "change he can believe in" has always seemed to be change lining Rubio's pockets. (Janice Hough)

      Rep. Dennis Kucinich is suing the Congressional cafeteria for an olive pit that he found in a sandwich. Just when you thought Michelle Bachman was the wackiest member of Congress, Kucinich proves he's still No. 1. (Jerry Perisho)

      Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich has filed a lawsuit against the Congress cafeteria for damage done to his teeth after he ordered a sandwich wrap and bit into an olive pit. Dennis Kucinich biting into an olive pit is like a regular-sized person biting into a bocce ball. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Good news. Congresswoman Gabby Giffords is able stand up and the next stop is rehab. Now if we could only say the same thing about Charlie Sheen. In a related story, Sarah Palin's doctors say that any idea that entered her brain this week passed straight through and came out the other side. (Bill Maher)


      A court has ruled that Rahm Emanuel is not legally allowed to run for mayor of Chicago, which in Chicago I believe means he won. (Stephen Colbert)

      A Chicago court ruled former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel can't run for Mayor of Chicago. However, according to Chicago law, he's free to purchase the position. (Conan O'Brien)

      This just in: A little while ago the Illinois Supreme Court ruled that Rahm Emanuel can run for mayor of Chicago. The law in Chicago is very clear: Dead people can vote and live people can run. (Jay Leno)

      The Illinois Supreme Court ruled to put Rahm Emanuel's name back on the ballot for mayor of Chicago. In other news, Illinois Supreme Court Justices' families have been released by kidnappers. (Jerry Perisho)

      A judged ruled yesterday that Rahm Emanuel cannot run to be mayor of Chicago because they didn't consider him a resident. Today a higher court put a stay on the lower court ruling and ordered that Rahm Emanuel's name be put on the ballot. Why is it so hard to figure out where somebody lives? You know what we should do? Let Netflix decide. If they send you more than five DVDs to one address, that's where you live. (Jay Leno)


      Utah state lawmakers may name the Browning M1911 the official state gun. Later, they'll debate the state's official date rape drug, official White supremacist group, and official porn star. (Jerry Perisho)

      A Virginia state senator has introduced legislation to castrate sex offenders. The bill is extremely popular, almost as popular as legislation to castrate state senators. (Jake Novak)

      Maryland is testing a dimmer highway lights system to save energy and money. Although some drivers are already complaining that the new lights make it a lot harder to see their phone while they are texting. (Jim Barach) 

      The Hawaiian Legislature dropped the opening prayer that began each session. Not that they had anything against God, but the prayer clashed with their opening song -- the theme from the new "Hawaii Five-0." (Bob Mills)


      The FBI arrested one hundred twenty-seven mafia chieftains and hit men and loan sharks in Brooklyn. One of the wise guys is ninety years old and lost his marbles years ago. Last year he had a guy whacked because he thought he was working for Batman. (Argus Hamilton)

      Facing massive budget-cuts in his city's payroll, the mayor of Camden, New Jersey announced he's laying off half the police department. Within hours of his announcement, seven Winchell's Donuts declared bankruptcy. (Bob Mills)

      Three teenagers who were robbing drivers stranded in the snow near Kansas City were caught. Robbing people stranded in snow banks; man, that's cold! (Jerry Perisho)

      A study by the American Library Association shows that people in Washington DC read more than in any other city. It also boasts one of the highest crime rates in the nation. In Washington, you're either reading a book or being booked. (Bob Mills)

      New York's Mayor Michael Bloomberg has proposed that street vendors be held to the same sanitation standards as restaurants. He's right. Diners should be able to rest assured that food cart E. coli is as virulent as that found at the popular fast food chains. (Bob Mills)

      A Hawaiian woman who beat a peacock to death was found not guilty of animal cruelty. No one has inflicted that much damage to a peacock since the Tonight Show fight between Jay and Conan. (Jim Barach)

      FAA officials at the Dallas-Ft. Worth Airport recently prevented a strip club from locating nearby, complaining that they already have enough trouble keeping pilots off the booze and the last thing they need is to add topless pole dancers. (Bob Mills)

      An Arkansas supermarket has changed its decision to hide a magazine cover which features Elton John, his partner and their baby. Apparently he didn’t think it was moral to show a married couple who weren’t even related. (Jim Barach) 


      The GOP is invoking an 18th-century doctrine called nullification to fight President Obama’s health care overhaul. Apparently the Republicans are also intent on pushing our health care back into the 18th-century. (Jim Barach) 

      John McCain and John Kerry naturally paired off as their other colleagues grew tired of their yearly tradition of reciting their own state of the union address under their breath. (Jon Stewart)

      A little confused about its purpose, George W. Bush used to pick out just one; "This year's state of the Union is Wyoming. Wyoming has lots of grassland and buffaloes and ..." (Jerry Perisho)

      Dick Cheney called President Obama a one-term president in a Today Show interview. He's facing a deadline. If Dick Cheney doesn't overthrow a government every ten years, the Wicked Witch of the West will kick him off the flying monkey team. (Argus Hamilton)

      A Washington Post columnist is proposing a 'Sarah-Palin-Free February,' a whole month in which she's not mentioned. This is stupid. Don't pick February, the shortest month. (Jay Leno)


      It was a year ago today that the iPad was unveiled. And a year ago that I said, "It's just like a big iPhone." To which everyone said, "But it doesn't make calls." And I said, "Exactly! Neither does the iPhone!" (Craig Ferguson)

      The U. S. Postal Service announced plans to close an additional 2,000 branches after losing $8.5 billion. Maybe in retrospect, making people wait in line while you slowly finish your bag of fiery hot Cheetos isn't such a good idea. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The post office announced it has lost $8.5-billion. The good news: they've figured out a way to turn things around. Tomorrow, they're going to announce they're Oprah's long-lost cousins. (Tim Hunter)

      According to records of the American Bar Association, the nation's lawyer population dropped last year by 15%. Which is great news for vacationers. The surf will be 15% safer to swim in next summer. (Bob Mills)

      The salesman fired for wearing a Packer tie to work at a Chicago car dealership has been offered a new job at a nearby car dealership... where people who buy a new car will get the chance to punch the guy wearing the Packer tie.  (Jake Novak)

      A Chicago car salesman wore a Green Bay Packers tie on Monday and was fired. Good thing he didn't wear a Jay Cutler jersey, the guy might have been fired, tarred and feathered. He was thinking of wearing a Cutler jersey, but the jersey took itself out. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A company in California is making marijuana soda. I think they should call it 'Toca-Cola'. (Craig Ferguson)

      Taco Bell pulled its ads during MTV's new show 'Skins' because of its inappropriate content. MTV was like, "Really, Taco Bell? We have inappropriate content? Have you seen what's inside a chalupa?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Taco Bell dropped its sponsorship of MTV's Skins Friday when parents threatened to boycott Taco Bell. Skins depicts high school kids partying hard. Learning that Mexican food will sober you up for the drive home is something you're not supposed to know until college. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Taco Bell officials are denying allegations in a class action lawsuit that their beef contains "binders and fillers" and little real beef. They did admit, however, that non-bovine substances occasionally enter the mix while the bull is being dragged out of the ring. (Bob Mills)

      A Tucson taco shop is going to start selling tacos with lion meat. Just when you think Arizona is tapped out on crazy, they roar back with a vengeance. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      Toyota is recalling 1.7 Million more vehicles for a fuel leak. At least the leaking fuel gives one more way to eventually make their cars come to a stop. (Jim Barach) 

      Citing various defects requiring immediate repair, Toyota has recalled 1.7 million vehicles including several ultra-plush GS Lexus models. Owners complained that their GPS system frequently misidentified four star restaurants as five star. (Bob Mills)


      Ninety-three year old mobster John “Sonny” Franzese has been sentenced to 8 years in jail for extortion. He was hoping for a shorter term. Life. (Alan Ray)


      The U. S. launched a huge spy satellite Thursday

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