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Weakly Humerus News 01-08-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-08-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Listening to all these puns and headlines with Stanford s quarterback we should
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 8, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-08-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Listening to all these puns and headlines with Stanford's quarterback we should all be glad he didn't go to South Bend. How many times could we have stood the phrase "Luck of the Irish?" (Janice Hough) 

      On this date in 1888, the paper drinking straw was patented. It was the biggest breakthrough in sucking history, until the LA Clippers. (Jerry Perisho)

      Fish & Game officials are investigating why hundreds of blackbirds suddenly fell from the sky near Little Rock, Arkansas. Eye-witnesses reported that several hours earlier they had begun packing up their cares and woes while singing low and waving. (Bob Mills)

      Christine O'Donnell is being investigated for using campaign funds to pay for personal expenses. I think it's a witch hunt. (Jay Leno) 

      Leaders of the so-called Birther movement followed President Obama on his Hawaiian vacation today to demand that Hawaii prove it is actually a U.S. state. (Andy Borowitz)    

      The last speaker, Nancy Pelosi has a frozen face and John Boehner has an orange face. If you put them together, you've got the Creamsicle of the House. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Jets guard Brandon Moore says stories about coach Rex Ryan's alleged foot fetish aren't a distraction, their focus is on the Colts. Meanwhile Rex's sole interest is on going toe-to-toe with an arch rival. (RJ Currie)

      Borders bookstores are struggling to stay in business. This could be the first time in our country that borders are actually closed. (Jay Leno)

      California enacted a new state law Monday making marijuana possession the same penalty as a parking ticket. Passage was easy. The Pot Party is so powerful in the Golden State that once a year the governor gives a speech to a joint session of Californians. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Here's my solution for short-term gain for Stanford fans and potential long-term gain for San Francisco fans. Have Harbaugh ask for a deferral of the coaching job offer for one year. Then let Jed York coach his own team. Result -- a great year for the Cardinal and a sure #1 pick for the 49ers in 2012 to choose Luck.  (Janice Hough)  

      The New York Jets are being accused of sexual harassment by two female massage therapists, a female reporter; several players made sexual comments to an attractive Mexican reporter, coach Rex Ryan has foot fetish videos online and cornerback Antonio Cromartie has fathered nine children with eight women. I'm starting to think the Jets might want to rethink the Viagra dispenser in the training room. (Alex Kaseberg)

      One man claims President Obama wants to give the entire U.S. back to the Indians. That’s terrible. They might build burial mounds on top of our sacred malls. (Stephen Colbert)

      Brett Favre is being sued by two former New York Jets massage therapists. The plaintiffs accuse him of a) sexual harassment, and b) rubbing them the wrong way. (RJ Currie)

      A man was arrested for masturbating while on a flight. He said he was just finishing what the TSA guy started. Now would that be a skyjacking? (Jay Leno) 

      I learned this year I won't hold Paris Hilton's purse while in Charlie Sheen's hotel suite while sending a text picture of my junk to not-a-lesbian Oprah. (Alex Kaseberg)

      JOHN BOEHNER

      In his first speech as Speaker, Boehner thanked his loved ones – tobacco lobbyists, the oil companies, the CEOs. (Jay Leno)

      How about the new Speaker of the House, John Boehner. Have you seen this guy's enormous gavel. I'm telling you, if in four hours, that gavel is still that size, he's got to call a doctor. (David Letterman)

      The new Congress is in session.  Soon-to-be House Speaker John Boehner is really feeling the heat to make changes.  And after he gets out of the tanning booth, it’s on to Capitol Hill.  (Alan Ray)

      John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. It is the highest elected office ever to be reached by an Orange-American. (Olivia Munn)

      Rep. John Boehner is the new speaker of the House. Turn-ons include tax cuts and spray tans. (Craig Ferguson)

      You know who Boehner is, right? He's that orange looking guy. See, for Republicans that counts as diversity. (Jay Leno)

      Boehner is very serious about cutting back on spending. I saw him today touching up his tan with an orange sharpie. (Jay Leno)

      House Minority Leader John Boehner says he has never been in a tanning bed and that he gets his dark complexion from his mother. Either he's lying or Snooki's a lot older than she's telling us. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The healthcare debate is getting ugly. Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and House Minority Leader John Boehner got into such a heated argument that Boehner missed his appointment at the tanning salon and Pelosi was late for Botox injections. ((Jay Leno))

      We have a new Speaker of the House, John Boehner. His new slogan: "Four more tears." (Jay Leno)

       

      ARKANSAS BIRDS

      More than 1,000 birds fell dead from the sky on the town of Beebe, Arkansas. Wildlife officials suspect the cause of death was the smell of Beebe, Arkansas. (Jerry Perisho)

      Arkansas wildlife officials can't explain the hundreds of blackbirds lying dead on the ground Sunday and thousands of dead fish in the Arkansas River. It's scary. No one knows if we're about to witness the end of the world or the first episode of Sarah Palin's Arkansas. (Argus Hamilton) 

      This weekend in Arkansas, thousands of dead birds dropped out of the sky and there were 100,000 dead fish in the rivers. Also, McDonald's is having a special on Chicken McNuggets and Filet of Fish. (Jay Leno) 

      Thousands of birds fell dead in Arkansas. It's either al-Qaida, or Dick Cheney is hunting again. (David Letterman)

      Apparently this is Arkansas' version of the New Year's Eve ball drop. (Jay Leno) 

      You know why I think the birds fell out of the sky? Tweeting. (Jay Leno) 

      They've had birds falling out of the sky all over the world. Today I saw my parakeet reading the obituaries. (David Letterman)

      In Arkansas, thousands of dead birds fell out of the sky. In a related story, the Little Rock Popeye's Fried chicken announced an all-you-can-eat special. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Thousands of fowl have mysteriously died in Arkansas and Louisiana. The sad story is a huge stroke of luck for the newly opened Kentucky Fried Blackbird franchises. (Jerry Perisho)

      Arkansas wildlife officials couldn't explain Sunday why hundreds of blackbirds fell out of the sky that morning and crashed to the ground dead. The federal government leaped right into action. The TSA just announced it's going to start screening chicken eggs. (Argus Hamilton) 

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama says he read three books while he was on vacation. Or as Sarah Palin put it, 'showoff.' (Jimmy Fallon)

      ADMINISTRATION

      White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs is resigning his position effective in February. His early exit makes him an unofficial Alaska Republican. (Jerry Perisho)

      Why is it no human being can withstand more than two years as a presidential press secretary? There must be an organ somewhere in the body that can only filter two years worth of heavy duty bullsh*t. (Jon Stewart)

      THE CONGRESS

      The first order of business for the 112th Congress: blaming everything on the 111th Congress. (Jay Leno)

      John Boehner was elected the new Speaker of the House. Do not adjust the orange tint on your TV. (Jerry Perisho)

      Now that he's House Speaker, John Boehner is just two tears away from the presidency.. (Scott Witt)

      The new GOP Congress has been just sworn and and already they are saying that their "$100 billion in cuts" pledge wasn't really a promise but a "hypothetical number." So congratulations to everyone who had "less than 24 hours" in the pool. (Janice Hough) 

      The new Congress adopted a rule that permits members to use electronic devices on the floor of the House. So let the sexting begin. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      According to a group that monitors government waste, the Republicans’ reading of the Constitution cost taxpayers $1 million. Only politicians could spend money reading. (Jimmy Kimmel) 

      Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they're going to undo everything President Obama has done. John Boehner even told the Obama kids that the dog has to go back. (David Letterman)

      The Republicans now control the House, and they say their plan is to stick to a strict interpretation of the original Constitution. So I hope you didn't like voting, women and non-whites. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The House spent its second day in session reading the Constitution aloud. During the reading of the Constitution, House members skipped the 18th Amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. They skipped reading it because it was overturned in 1933 and because they didn't want their beers to get warm. (Jerry Perisho)

      They say a chemical in tears reduces sexual attraction to others. John Boehner no longer frets about cloakroom encounters with Barney Frank. (Scott Witt)

      Newly elected speaker, John Boehner, gave his speech to the House of Representatives. It was a good speech, Boehner himself gave it four hankies. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Congressman John Boehner became Speaker of the House Wednesday. His first task is a bill to increase America's national debt past fourteen trillion dollars. We may have scaled back our manned space program but we'll never give up our quest to reach infinity. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Democratic Representative Lynn Woolsey from California says the war in Afghanistan is an “epic failure, national embarrassment and moral blight”. Which apparently makes it more successful than the war in Iraq. (Jim Barach) 

      COURTS

      A federal court ruled that a woman can sue Disney's Epcot Center for being groped by an employee dressed as Donald Duck. April Magolon, 27, alleges that the attack left her with nightmares, digestive problems and an uncontrollable desire to fly south for the winter. (Bob Mills)

      THE MILITARY

      U.S. Navy Captain Owen Honors lost command of his carrier Tuesday for taping funny comedy skits with his sailors. It had gay humor, simulated sex, and co-ed showering. He was immediately hired by the state of California to be in charge of Workout Wednesdays. (Argus Hamilton) 

      The captain of the USS Enterprise aircraft carrier has been relieved of command for appearing in raunchy videos on the ship. They are calling this the most embarrassing video involving Navy personnel since that guy from the Village People. (Jay Leno)

      The US Navy captain who showed raunchy videos to his crew has been relieved of his duties. It's OK though; this way he can sing full-time with the Village People. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Navy relieved the captain of the air craft carrier Enterprise for making a raunchy and inappropriate video; the good news for the captain? He is going to be hired as an assistant coach for the New York Jets. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The U.S. Navy fired the captain of the USS Enterprise Monday for making lewd videos to boost crew morale. The videos had gay jokes, simulated sex and group showers. It took two days for the armed services to go from Don't Ask, Don't Tell to a reality show on Bravo. (Argus Hamilton) 

      The commander of the USS Enterprise was relieved of duty because of his involvement in making raunchy videos while onboard the Navy ship. The good news: Today he was offered a job as a producer on 'Jersey Shore'. (Jay Leno)

      THE STATES

      Jerry Brown is Governor of California again. How California is that, hooking up with your ex years later? (Jay Leno)

      Jerry Brown is the new governor of California. California has a $28 billion deficit; or roughly what Meg Whitman spent to lose for governor. (Jerry Perisho)

      We have a new governor in California. Former Gov. Jerry Brown replaces Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. I don't know if I trust a governor who's never done steroids. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Though backed by a formidable group of Old West historians, New Mexico's governor refused to expunge Billy the Kid's murder conviction. On the plus side, he did pardon Billy Ray Cyrus for letting Miley use Lindsay Lohan as a role model. (Bob Mills)

      Several states are now trying to outlaw government worker unions. If successful, the guys not plowing the streets in New York City will have to do not work for slightly less money. (Jake Novak)

      LOCAL NEWS

      A New York man who jumped from a ninth-floor window last Sunday but survived when garbage broke his fall is rumored to have been upset the G-Men didn't make the playoffs. Sources say it may have been a Giant leap for Manning kind. (RJ Currie)

      An escaped prisoner in Alaska was on the run for six hours before he was finally caught near Sarah Palin's hometown of Wasilla. When I think of safe places to run, I think "the woods near Sarah Palin's house." (Jimmy Fallon) 

      New York City's sanitation workers were accused of drinking on the job during the blizzard. At least something was getting plowed. (David Letterman)

      With so much garbage on the streets, the rats are going crazy. Fortunately, the city (New York)  has hired an extra cat. (David Letterman)

      L. A.'s top financial official has told the Mayor that the city won't be able to hire any new cops unless it takes in more tax revenue and finds some way to protect them from Lindsay Lohan. (Jake Novak)

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      McCain stands now less a paragon of straight talk and independence for new members to admire, and more like an object lesson of how f*cking mad someone gets when they don't get their way.
      (Jon Stewart)

      John Edwards learned today there really are two Americas. One consists of people named in their spouses' wills, while the others were not.. (Scott Witt)

      Former Vice President Dick Cheney was out and about again over the holidays, and he was showing off his new artificial heart, known as a ventricular assist device. The device pushes blood continuously, rather than mimicking the beat of a heart, leaving Mr. Cheney without a pulse. Doctors say Mr. Cheney is at an age where he will soon no longer qualify for a transplant. Given our familiarity with Dick Cheney's medical history, the news that he needs a heart wouldn't, at first glance, appear to be news until one remembers that he's gotten along without one for over 6 decades so far. (Paul Benoit)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      If gas prices go to $5.00 a gallon, it will totally change America. You could see Rush Limbaugh and Keith Olbermann carpooling.  (Frank King)

      A poll says that voters are concerned the most about the economy since 2008. Apparently the rest of that time they were consumed with what was going on with Lindsay Lohan. (Jim Barach)

      They're also hoping to cut back on government regulation on Wall Street. I think we can all agree that Wall Street does a good job policing itself. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      They now say that our national debt will have to be paid off by our children. So thank God for Kate Gosselin and the Octomom. (Jay Leno) 

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Wal Mart is pulling a “Kids Favorites” CD because of bad language. It’s a philosophy the store truly believes. Young impressionable children should not act like their parents. (Alan Ray) 

      According to the Japanese press, Sony is coming out with a smartphone that has a PlayStation built in to compete with the iPhone. It's called the "I-just-crashed-my-car-phone." (Jay Leno)

      Goldman Sachs has just invested $500 million in Facebook, but no matter how much money those Wall Street jerks put in, they can’t get Scarlett Johansson to accept their friend requests. (Jake Novak)

      Millions of iPhone users were totally told off by their boss after their favourite toy in the whole world forgot to get them up for work. A software bug affected the rectangular nipple's ability to effectively parent its charges, leaving them vulnerable to self-reliance for the first time since 2007.  Meanwhile Apple has apologised for the phoney-woney boo-boo and insisted it would not affect its new OSX-powered toilet roll holder that knows when you've finished doing potty. (Daily Mash)

      TRANSPORTATION

      Four Loko and other alcohol laced energy drinks are being recycled as auto fuel. Which may finally explain just what happened with all those out of control Toyotas. (Jim Barach) 

      A strip club is about to open at DFW airport in Dallas. Although apparently it already has some tough competition from men who are lining up to watch women go through the TSA body scanners. (Jim Barach) 

      A United Airlines flight from Denver to Frankfurt was diverted to Toronto last week after a pilot spilled a cup of coffee on the communications equipment in the cockpit, which somehow triggered the emergency codes for a hijacking. Wonder how long it will take TSA to ban passengers bringing Starbucks on board as a potentially dangerous item. (Janice Hough)

      A survey says that 85% of U.S. adults wear seatbelts regularly. The other 15% find that it restricts their ability to send text messages while they are driving. (Jim Barach) 

      A study says that studded tires could pose a risk to people’s hearts and lungs. The question is, how less severe is it to have your chest run over with standard tires? (Jim Barach) 

      Virgin Galactic is booking space trips for $200,000 a person. The price sounds steep but is really a bargain because luggage fees and blanket and bottled water costs are included and there is no TSA security patdown involved. (Jim Barach) 

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      Virginia sheriffs report somebody robbed a bank while wearing a Hillary Clinton mask. The thief had the element of surprise. Every time the security guards see someone from the Obama administration walk into the bank they assume they are bringing money, not taking it. (Argus Hamilton)

      Michael Jackson's bodyguard testified Tuesday that his attending doctor didn't know how to give CPR as he lay dying. It's no crime. A Los Angeles ordinance only requires you to be able to administer CPR if you're a lifeguard, or a firefighter, or engaged to Hugh Hefner. (Argus Hamilton) 

      TERRORISM & SECURITY

      Airports are considering dumping TSA and hiring their own security. You see these TSA guys just standing around with their thumbs up our asses. (Jay Leno)

      CIVIL RIGHTS 

      A new version of Mark Twain's "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" has been released with the "n" word replaced 218 times with the word "slave." The author's name has been changed to "Mark Train" because Twain sounds too much like baby-talk. (Bob Mills)

      New cleaned-up versions of "Tom Sawyer" and "Huckleberry Finn" have the N-word removed. They also note that whitewashing a fence is a tagging offense that can send the boys to juvenile hall. (Jerry Perisho)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      The British Airport Authority has called in experts to help them avoid another disaster like they had last December, where at most 5 inches of snow shut down Heathrow for days. This in fact was the biggest mess caused by just a few inches since Brett Favre texted those pictures to Jenn Sterger. (Janice Hough) 

      Rumors circulate that ABBA may perform at William and Kate’s wedding in April. There is an official response out of Buckingham Palace. The Royal family takes such threats seriously. (Alan Ray) 

      Britain was well on the road to economic recovery today after the government made everything less affordable. With unemployment at its highest since the discovery of machines in 1462, ministers said the best way to tackle it was to make sure no-one could buy things from shops. (Daily Mash)

      Kate Middleton's uncle is reportedly getting over a drug problem so that he can be invited to her ceremony, and Prince William's uncle has to clean up his act too. At a luncheon last week, he used his salad fork on the beef tenderloin. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Britain has launched its annual health kick with a pledge to keep it going until Friday. As franchised gymnasiums made their profit for the year, millions took out a direct debit they will maintain long after they remember who they are and what they actually enjoy doing. (Daily Mash)

      After swine flu cases in Ireland tripled, epidemiologists discovered that the H1M1 virus has not only acquired an immunity to alcohol but developed a definite preference for Baileys Irish Cream and Bushmills. (Bob Mills)

      Redevelopment officials in Liverpool, have announced plans to demolish the birthplace of Ringo Starr.  The home on Madryn Street was taken off the market after no buyer could be found who had any use for a yellow submarine dock. (Bob Mills)

      EUROPE

      A new law in Romania forces witches to pay income taxes for the first time. In the US, Christine O'Donnell cancelled her plans to move to Bucharest. (Jerry Perisho)

      Romania's witches and fortune-tellers are being asked to pay taxes for the first time. The witches are so upset, they're casting spells against the president and the government. However, to be fair, the fortune-tellers should have seen it coming. (Tim Hunter)

      Witchcraft has been declared a legal profession in Romania. Immediately after the notification, Christine O’Donnell announced her candidacy for Romanian President.  (Jim Barach)

      Witchcraft is now a legal profession in Romania thanks to a new law passed by the legislature. They wanted to use the phrase "Bubble, bubble toil and trouble" but Christine O'Donnell owns the international copyright. (Bob Mills)

      The government of Spain has begun to enforce a ban on smoking in places where people traditionally gather. People may no longer light up in restaurants, schools, libraries, hospitals or while running with the bulls at Pamplona. (Bob Mills)

      More than 500 Russian seamen are stranded in the Sea of Okhotsk by ice that is 6 feet thick. They've got ice and they've got vodka. Supply ships are bringing them emergency martini olives. (Jerry Perisho)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      Iran has arrested an American woman, accusing her of spying with a device in her teeth. As opposed to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who lies through his teeth. (Jay Leno)

      Israel’s prime minister wants nonstop peace talks with the Palestinians. There is only one place nonstop talks are achieved; on the set of “The View.” (Jerry Perisho)

      HEALTH

      President Obama plans to sign a $1.4 billion food safety bill. The most dangerous thing about American food? The portions." (Jay Leno)

      Studies show more and more medical practices are examining patients online, and for some people, taking off their clothes in front of a webcam isn't so unusual. (Jake Novak)

      It turns out the doctors who claimed that vaccines can cause autism completely doctored his "evidence." In fact, his data was almost as phony as Jenny McCarthy's breasts. (Jake Novak)

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