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Weakly Humerus News 01-01-11

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-01-11 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK The East Coast blizzard was so bad, the Eagles-Vikings game was canceled. The
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 1, 2011
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-01-11
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      The East Coast blizzard was so bad, the Eagles-Vikings game was canceled. The decision was made after Eagles QB Michael Vick said he wouldn't even send a dog outside in that weather. (Jake Novak)

      Tiger Woods' carol: "I'm dreaming of a White Mistress." (Jerry Perisho)

      If a Maple Leafs fan gets banned from the Air Canada Centre for throwing waffles onto the ice, does that make him an Eggomaniac? (Dwight Perry)

      Two 84-year-olds made headlines to end 2010. Joe Paterno says he plans to coach the Nittany Lions again next season and Hugh Hefner got engaged to 24-year-old Crystal Harris, December 2009's Playmate. It's a wonder how they both keep it up. (RJ Currie)

      In Southern California, heavy rains were replaced by frigid arctic temperatures. It's colder than Jesse James's reception at Sandra Bullock's New Years Eve party. (Jerry Perisho)

      N. Y. Jets coach Rex Ryan and his wife Michelle were outed on a foot-fetish dating site Thursday showing video of her bare-footed. Whatever turns them on. It doesn't affect his coaching except that he can't think straight when it's fourth down and a foot to go. (Argus Hamilton)

      Aussie actor Hugh Jackman needed a time out after getting hit in the groin by a pitch during an Australian cricket match. That's the latest news from down under. (RJ Currie)

      The East Coast digs out from a snow storm. The District of Columbia looks like the inside of the U. S. Senate chambers. Mostly all white.. (Alan Ray)

      USO entertainers fanned out in the Middle East on Christmas Day to perform for U. S. troops. Stars are always willing to entertain in Mideast war zones. Last year Lindsay Lohan volunteered to go to Afghanistan because she heard that girls can get stoned there. (Argus Hamilton)

      The NFL's claim they couldn't prove Brett Favre tried to woo Jenn Sterger with lurid photos of himself was ripped by her lawyer who says their evidence showed 'a pattern of lewd and offensive behavior.' Would that be considered a pass pattern? (RJ Currie)

      Julian Assange used the foreplay defense Tuesday against two Swedish women who said he seduced them and didn't use a condom. He claimed that once he got going he couldn't stop. Toyota tried the same defense and they were fined thirty-two million dollars. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE NEW YEAR

      Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average, which means you've already met your New Year's resolution. (Jay Leno) 

      What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square. It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "sup?" (Jon Stewart) 

      It goes Christmas, New Year's Eve, and Valentine's Day. Is that fair to anyone who's alone? If you didn't get around to killing yourself on Christmas or New Year's, boom, there's Valentine's Day for you. There should be a holiday after Valentine's Day called "Are you still here?" (Laura Kightlinger)

      Emergency Room visits because of underage drinking are expected to jump New Year's Day. Fortunately when those kids are behind the wheel they are too drunk to do anything really dangerous like send text messages. (Jake Novak)

      The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to. (P. J. O'Rourke)

      MTV announced "Jersey Shore" Snooki will be in the ball that drops in Times Square on New Year's Eve. Normally if folks in New York want to watch a dropped ball they go watch the Mets. (Alex Kaseberg)

      New Year's Eve update: MTV star Snooki will be dropped inside a ball on New Year's Eve, but in New Jersey and not in NYC. She'll drop from a trash truck into a landfill. (Jerry Perisho)

      A study says that most people's New Year resolutions last barely a week. Which is why health clubs sell yearly memberships, or else they would be out of business. (Jake Novak)

      I wish I didn't watch Dick Clark because New Year's Eve is that one little time when you get to suspend the disbelief that next year is going to be crap. You forget about it! You look at the person next to you and kiss them and say "Happy New Year!" and you have a moment of happiness. I don't want to be reminded at that exact moment of my own mortality. (John Bowman)
      THE WEATHER

      It is officially wetter in Los Angeles than John Boehner's hanky after watching "Old Yeller." (Alex Kaseberg)

      It's been raining in Los Angeles for four straight days. When asked if they had ever seen anything like this before, most residents said something in Spanish. (Tim Hunter)

      A snow blizzard hit the northeast, in New York City, with all three NYC airports closed, idle TSA agents had no choice but to grope snowmen. (Jerry Perisho)

      A massive snow storm has buried New York City under more than a foot of snow. It's so cold, even Rex Ryan's wife is covering her feet. (Jake Novak)

      It was so cold in New York, the only thing that kept hot dog vendors' water from freezing was the toxicity. (Jerry Perisho)

      South Carolina saw its first White Christmas Saturday when blizzards swept the South. Everything's iced over. It was so cold in South Carolina that civil rights demonstrators were demanding that Admiral Byrd's flag be lowered at the state capitol. (Argus Hamilton)

      On Maine's Sugerloaf Mountain, high winds were blamed for a ski lift failure that dumped ten skiers 30 feet into soft snow. No one was seriously hurt, but the bad news is witnesses on the ground say none of them scored higher than a 7.5. (Bob Mills)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Pres. Obama and his family went snorkeling in Hawaii while on vacation. Sarah Palin said she was disappointed that the President wasn't vacationing in the US. (Jerry Perisho)

      Obama is in Hawaii searching for his birth certificate. He won't comment on why he took along a computer printer. (Scott Witt)

      THE CONGRESS

      Congress adjourned Thursday after an astounding lame-duck session. They passed tax cuts, let gays in the military, ratified a Russian arms treaty, and refused amnesty. Imagine how great America could be if Congress were only allowed to meet in December. (Argus Hamilton)

      Lisa Murkowski was officially named the winner of the hotly contested Senate race in Alaska. Being an Alaskan, she expected to serve around three years of her six-year term. (Jerry Perisho)

      THE STATES

      California is number one in the nation for the number of people admitted for treatment for dependence on marijuana. Mostly because everyone who gets sick immediately asks their doctor for a prescription for medical marijuana. (Jake Novak)

      A California marijuana dispensary is holding a food drive where they give away pot to patients who bring in food donations. The only problem is, after the people smoke the marijuana they want their food donations back. (Jake Novak)

      California issued new workplace rules Tuesday requiring porno movie studios in L. A. to maintain the same health standards as L. A. hospitals. Isn't that just like bureaucrats. They take the one industry in California that's making a profit and give it a staph infection. (Argus Hamilton)

      Florida will start using "no refusal" DUI checkpoints, where anyone refusing to take a breathalyzer test will be forced to have a blood test on site. Demanding blood on the spot? Who do they think they are, the IRS? (Jake Novak)

      LOCAL NEWS

      It turns out unionized sanitation workers deliberately didn't plow the city's streets in order to protest some layoffs. The only people in New York avoiding work more are playing for the New York Giants defense. (Jake Novak)

      A man in a Santa outfit was taken for a wild ride in a balloon in Utah when the pilot fell out. The question is, why couldn't the Balloon Boy's dad just have taken him to the mall to see Santa like all the other parents? (Jim Barach)

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      Federal authorities are investigating charges that Christine O'Donnell used campaign contributions to pay personal expenses. Suspicious write-offs include dried frogs' tongues, tarantula carcasses and a large, cast-iron cauldron. (Bob Mills)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      Reality chef Juan Carlos Cruz, serving nine years for hiring a hit man to kill his wife, is adapting well to prison life. Already, he's authored an inmate cookbook entitled "101 Ways to Prepare Slop." (Bob Mills)

      TERRORISM & SECURITY

      The Justice Department warns Thursday that Al-Qaeda wants to poison restaurant salad bars. We can all see what's coming. Soon you won't be allowed to eat the only food that's legal to eat until you've been patted down by the assistant manager at The Sizzler. (Argus Hamilton)

      The US Department of Justice has uncovered an Al-Qaeda plot to poison restaurant salad bars. Some chains are responding. Marie Callender's installed bullet-proof sneeze guards and runs the dried banana chips through an arsenic-detector. (Bob Mills)

      A Florida man was caught smuggling cocaine through LAX inside some Easter Eggs. He would have gotten away with it, too if he had tried to do it say, a little closer to Easter. (Jake Novak)

      CIVIL RIGHTS & IMMIGRATION

      President Obama vowed on Wednesday to fight next year for the passage of the just-rejected bill that gives U. S. citizenship to the children of illegal aliens. They must attend two years of college or serve in the U. S. military. The name of the bill is No Juan Left Behind. (Argus Hamilton)

      NASA & SPACE

      The Post Office will honor NASA with a commemorative stamp featuring a portrait of astronaut Alan Shepard. The adhesive will be available in three flavors: orange, grapefruit and strawberry Tang. (Bob Mills)

      CANADA

      A recent study says Torontonians are the least happy people in Canada. Researchers are quick to point out that they are the happiest people if you exclude a) housing costs, and b) Maple Leafs fans. (RJ Currie)

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN

      A study says that Buenos Aires is the noisiest city in Latin America. Next on the list is Los Angeles. (Jake Novak)

      Venezuela has devalued its currency in order to try to end the recession there. Wasn't a devalued currency pretty much what got us into our recession? (Jake Novak)

      US Marines are now teaching the Guatemalan Army how to fight the Mexican drug cartels. They even gave them their fight song, "From the Halls of Montezuma's Revenge, to the Shores of Mexicali." (Bob Mills)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      Prince William and Kate Middleton have announced that, once married, they'll do without servants, shopping and performing household chores themselves. It's being called the most shocking rejection of royal privilege since King Henry VIII decided to perform his own be-headings. (Bob Mills)

      Faced with expenses they can't meet, many small cities in England are leaving their street lights off at night. Bad news on two fronts. Auto accidents are up 30% and hookers are staying home because they have nothing to stand under. (Bob Mills)

      SCIENCE

      A Finnish scientist claims reindeer deliberately eat magic mushrooms to escape the monotony of dreary long winters. In a related story, magic mushroom consumption is up among Oilers, Flames and Leafs fans. (RJ Currie)

      HEALTH

      The American Heart Association warns that teens should cut down on their salt intake to avoid high blood pressure. Good luck. Mention hypertension to the average teen and he'll say "Oh, are they on tour?" (Bob Mills)

      Doctors warn that children exposed to incense in the home face a greater risk of asthma. Makes sense. The average tech support operator at Microsoft loses 13 workdays a year due to second-hand incense. (Bob Mills)

      A Boston hospital has been cited after three spine operations were performed on the wrong area. None of the doctors were involved were punished, which brought accusations that the hospital administration has no backbone. (Jake Novak)

      Nutritionists at Oklahoma State University have developed peanut butter that comes in cellophane-wrapped slices. Kids love it but moms could do without one unfortunate side-effect -- it trends to stick to the top of the refrigerator. (Bob Mills)

      SPORTS

      Why all the fuss over moving Sunday's Eagles-Vikings game to Tuesday? The NFL had no choice. The snow was 4 feet deep, and Michael Vick's probation does not allow him to get to the stadium by dog sled. (Dwight Perry)

      Did Rex Ryan dress up at the Jets Christmas party as Frosty the Toeman? (T. C.)

      Five Ohio State players busted by the NCAA for selling memorabilia still getting to play in the Sugar Bowl. If they win, watch for the Sugar Bowl trophy on Craigslist later that night. (Brad Dickson)

      Larry Brown resigns as head coach. This is not a repeat from 1979, 1981, 1983, 1988, 1992, 1993, 1997, 2003, 2005 & 2006. (falk.com)

      A number of year-end report cards say priority one for the Toronto Raptors is to cut down on turnovers. Not to say passing is the problem, but some nights the Raps couldn't hit the broad side of a Barniani. (RJ 
      Currie)

      After two losing seasons, Forty-Niners coach Mike Singletary was fired following a loss to the Rams. The owners had class, though. They hired Tony Bennett to sing "I Left My Job in San Francisco" over the PA system. (Bob Mills)

      After his one-game suspension for a secondary rules violation: "I like myself more when I'm ticked off, and right now I like myself a lot. Read between the lines." (Tom Izzo)

      There are unconfirmed reports that St. Nick met with Don Cherry just before Christmas Eve. After seeing Don's neck, Santa asked him to guide his sleigh. (RJ Currie)

      ATHLETES

      LeBron James is an incredible talent. Except lately he seems to get in more trouble opening his mouth than anyone not named Monica Lewinsky. (Jerry Perisho) 

      Tony Romo got engaged to girlfriend Candice Crawford Thursday night. I believe that was his first completed pass in three weeks. (Tim Hunter)

      Tony Romo is engaged to a former Miss Missouri. Missouri is the 'Show Me State'. It seems like a more appropriate fiancé for her would be Brett Favre. (Jerry Perisho)

      The NFL's claim they couldn't prove Brett Favre tried to woo Jenn Sterger with lurid photos of himself was ripped by her lawyer who says their evidence showed 'a pattern of lewd and offensive behavior.' Would that be considered a pass pattern? (RJ Currie)

      The NFL fined the New York Jets $100,000 for an assistant coach intentionally tripping an opposing player. Using fines as the measure, that means one intentional trip is worth two photos of Brett Favre's junk. (Jerry Perisho)

      Terrelle Pryor to sell Sugar Bowl jersey to make ends meet during suspension. (Sports Pickle)

      Dwight Howard of the Orlando Magic was whistled for taking too much time at the free throw line. He needs to be more like Shaquille O'Neal and just miss them quickly. (Jake Novak)

      Ex-quarterback Ryan Leaf announced he's writing three books — one on his days at Washington State, another on his NFL career and the third on being addicted to prescription painkillers. Actually, expect the second book to be more like a pamphlet. (Steve Watts)

      Question: What do you call kicker David Akers in an Eagles uniform? Answer: Green Akers. (RJ Currie)

      There's a movement underway to nominate net bad boy Dennis Rodman to the NBA Hall of Fame. Hoop scribes are unanimous in the opinion that he has about the same chance as Pete Rose. (Bob Mills)

      A quickie scouting report on Steelers receiver Mike Wallace: "He plays for a full 60 minutes." (Cam Fuller)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      "Blue Valentine," debuting in theaters this week, is a movie centered around getting unsolicited texts from Brett Favre. (Dwight Perry)

      The producers of "The Black Swan" ordered some exit polls after box office grosses outstripped expectations. Turns out fans of the Marx Brothers are showing up thinking it's a remake of "Duck Soup." (Bob Mills)

      ENTERTAINERS

      Eighty-seven percent of professional athletes have dated Kim Kardashian. (David Letterman)

      Fans of Sarah Palin's "Alaska" will now be able to purchase a two-disc set that includes all seven episodes of the show. For some reason, however, the discs stop playing after episode four. (Janice Hough)

      Elton John, 63, and his husband David Furnish have become parents to a baby boy. Well, give old Elton some credit. At his age at least he's having a child instead of marrying one. (Janice Hough) 

      Barely a week after getting remarried, Hulk Hogan had to undergo 10 hours of back surgery. Doctors immediately advised the 57-year-old Hulkster to give up honeymooning and stick to something a little less hazardous -- like, say, pro rasslin'. (Dwight Perry)

      Singer Rihanna and L.A. Dodger Matt Kemp have reportedly split amid allegations of infidelity. It appears the 2009 Golden Glover is out after too many fielder's choices. (RJ Currie)

      According to Pollstar, Lady Gaga was the hardest working rock star in 2010, performing in 138 shows and earning $134 million. And that's not even counting the $10 million she was paid by the International Processed Beef & Cold-cuts Council. (Bob Mills)

      THE MEDIA

      Evangelist Pat Robertson who supports the legalization of marijuana claims to have discovered a reference to it in the bible -- Cheech 12:16 "Dooby unto others as thou would want to be doobied to." (Bob Mills)

      Pat Robertson shocked his TV viewers when he called for the decriminalization of pot. He's acting strange lately. Some viewers suspected something was odd last month when Pat Robertson began asking God to protect the tunnels leading to San Diego. (Argus Hamilton)

      Conservative Fox News wacko Tucker Carlson said Michael Vick "should have been executed" for killing dogs. This guy is so insane that he might one day own the Clippers. (Jerry Perisho)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      84-year-old Hugh Hefner is getting married to his 24- year-old Playmate girlfriend Crystal Harris. Actually, there's some debate about Harris's age. USA Today says she's 23. And there's some debate about Hefner's age. We're not sure if it's Bronze or Stone.

      84-year-old Hugh Hefner is marrying a 24-year-old Playboy playmate. Of course, Hef says "80 is the new 40." I've golfed with guys like that. (Frank King)

      "Playboy" founder, 84-year-old Hugh Hefner is engaged to 24-year-old Playmate, Crystal Harris. When asked what it is like to be engaged to an Octogenarian, Harris said, it's fine, I'm a Sagittarius. (Alex Kaseberg)

      When Playboy magnate Hugh Hefner, 84, became engaged to Playmate Chrystal Harris, 24, on Christmas Eve it came as a complete surprise to his staff. He had said he was "looking for a rock," but they were thinking more along the lines of "headstone." (Bob Mills)

      At a lavish Scottsdale, Arizona celebrity-filled Christmas party,, Snooki was paid $16,500 to attend and Bruce Jenner was paid $15,000. One is an oddly colored, weird-looking annoying leech, and, well, so is the other one. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Bristol Palin has bought a home in Arizona, far enough from Alaska that she can't be seen from her mom's front porch. (Scott Witt)

      EDUCATION

      A new study shows that college students are, on average, 15 pounds heavier at graduation. A majority of high school girls do, too, but return to normal once the baby is born. (Bob Mills)

      Two Yale professors and one from Cornell are starting a movement calling on all "rich" people to donate more money to charity. In other words, they're raising tuition prices at Yale and Cornell. (Jake Novak)

      HISTORY

      This week marks the discovery in 1924 of other galaxies by astronomer Edwin Hubble whose namesake telescope is so powerful, it's been able to spot liquid water on Mars, space debris from the Starship Enterprise and James Cameron's summer home on Pandora. (Bob Mills)

      The Discovery Channel aired an hour-long documentary that closely examined Michael Jackson's coroner's report. As expected, ratings exceeded those for Elvis's coroner's report. (Bob Mills)

      Archeologists uncovered evidence that Neanderthals ate vegetables as well as meat and switched from hunting to gathering when they discovered it's easier to gather a head of cabbage than wrestle a wooly mammoth. (Bob Mills)

      SURVEYS, POLLS & STUDIES

      A recent survey shows that 36% of children under twelve own a smart phone. Yesterday, I saw a bumper sticker that said "My Kid's Smart Phone Made the Honor Roll at St. Patrick's Elementary." (Bob Mills)

      A new report on psychology says because babies around eight months old have massive foreheads and small chins, that's why women find them so attractive. Who knew Pierre McGuire was a chick magnet? (RJ Currie)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@... 

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