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Weakly Humerus News 12-25-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-25-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Urinals ftom the Philadelphia Spectrum are selling foe $200.00 each. I think I
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 25, 2010
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-25-10
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Urinals ftom the Philadelphia Spectrum are selling foe $200.00 each. I think I just found the worst Christmas gift of the year  (Brad Dickson)

      Chris Newton's father may have undervalued his son. (Jerome Crowe)

      It has been raining hard here in Los Angeles. We have gotten so much water, illegal immigrants are literally coming in waves. (Jay Leno)

      The San Jose Sharks said part of their plan against the Edmonton Oilers Tuesday was to repeatedly put Taylor Hall on his backside. Or in keeping with the season, to deck the Hall. (RJ Currie)

      The NFL won't rule on the allegations against Minnesota quarterback Brett Favre until commissioner Roger Goodell gets the picture. (Scott Henson)

      Racehorses who run well in sloppy weather are called 'mudders.' If they ever make a movie about those horses starring Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller, will they title it 'Mudder fockers?' (Jerry Perisho)

      The Air Force is boycotting the New York Times in retaliation for their Wikileaks disclosures. Meanwhile, its founder Julian Assange had his annual physical and was told he has a leaking wiki. (Bob Mills)

      President Obama was talking with school kids yesterday and said he walked their dog Bo on the White House lawn and picked up his poop. They should probably have someone else do that. Obama's not good at cleaning up messes other people have left for him. (Jimmy Fallon) 

      It was so cold in Washington, President Obama got into bed with the Republicans just for the warmth. (Jay Leno) 

      Russian scientists evaluated the risk and decided to open the Chernoble nuclear melt-down site to tourists. Souvenir-hunters are going crazy. Where else can you vacation and bring home an extra body part? (Bob Mills)

      The WikiLeaks guy is under house arrest with a strict curfew. If there's anything a guy who leaks secret government documents respects, it's a curfew. (David Letterman) 

      U.S. Army Dr. Terrence Lakin told a Ft. Meade military court Tuesday his deployment order is illegal because he doubts that President Obama is U.S.-born. It's a partisan issue. Republicans believe he was born in Kenya and Democrats think he was born in Bethlehem. (Argus Hamilton) 

      Tiger Woods congratulated Brett Favre on one of the greatest accomplishments in sports history. Out-of-control sexual behavior with no loss of commercial endorsements. (Torben Rolfsen)

      This weekend there were big Christmas sales, Congress repealed 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' and the President signed the tax-cut extension bill. So if you're a gay soldier who's also a millionaire, looking for tax-refund money to go Christmas shopping, this was the time of your life. (Jay Leno) 

      CHRISTMAS

      Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ. (Bart Simpson)

      The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. (Joan Rivers)

      The day I saw my mom eating the Santa cookies on the plate was one of the most horrific days of my life. (Halle Berry)

      Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. (Dennis Miller)

      I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. (Shirley Temple)

      Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won't make it white. (Bing Crosby)

      Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. (Johnny Carson)

      My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that? (Bob Hope)

      The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. (Jay Leno)

      Singapore has a new campaign to clean up 70 percent of its public toilets by the year 2013. Or in much grosser news, Singapore has admitted that 30 percent of its public toilets will not be cleaned for three years. (Jimmy Fallon)

      * * * * *

      Father Christmas's wife-to-be name’s is Mary Christmas and they will marry Christmas Day. Merry Christmas. (Jeremy Alperin)

      Friday is Christmas Eve. When Santa drives a sleigh of eight tiny reindeer to millions of rooftops, it can only mean one thing. He’s about to get a real angry letter from PETA. (Alan Ray) 

      The top three NHL Christmas songs: 3. "Away at the Rangers"; 2. "O Goalie Night"; 1. "Right Wing Wenceslas." (RJ Currie)

      London (Reuters): Sir Bob Geldof has just announced that a fundraising concert for Ireland will be held in Ethiopia this Christmas. (Eric Hodgson)

      The Tea Party's plans for a first annual Tea Party Christmas Pageant have been cancelled at the last minute. "We couldn't find three wise men, It's too bad, because we had plenty of sheep." (Andy Borowitz) 

      The Tea Party was hoping to replace its Christmas pageant, however, with an ambitious staging of the Book of Revelation. "We already have Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and Christine O'Donnell lined up, One more Horseman and we're good to go." (Andy Borowitz) 

      Christmas is near. On this day millions of people will exchange gifts with each other. On the next day, millions of people will exchange gifts at Macy’s, Nordstrom’s, and J C Penney. (Alan Ray) 

      A lot of companies had their Christmas parties tonight. A lot of people couldn't make it because their company is in India. (Jay Leno) 

      It's important to appreciate postal workers this time of year. That's why I always greet them with a warm smile and an open robe. (Craig Ferguson)

      Apparently Christmas isn't a favorite holiday at the Palin household. Seems Santa hasn't been around much since the time Sarah served the family that fresh venison dinner. (Janice Hough)

      DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL.

      Congress repealed 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'. The Pentagon can now start production on 'Iraq the Musical.. (David Letterman) 

      John McCain was opposed to repealing 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell,' though he admitted that he probably served with gay soldiers during the Civil War. (David Letterman) 

      The Senate voted to allow gay soldiers to serve in the military. This is good news for gay soldiers, but bad news for straight soldiers who were going to say they were gay to get out of the Army. (Conan O'Brien) 

      Congress finally repealed the ban on gays serving in the military. It had a far-reaching effect. I spent the weekend donning now my gay apparel; photos are available online for a small fee. (Jerry Perisho)

      President Obama signed into law the repeal of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' What does it say about us that we think gay men can handle armed combat, but can't handle marriage? (Jay Leno) 

      Don't Ask, Don't Tell was repealed, but the Dream Act Failed. So, if you're an illegal immigrant, just start pretending you're gay. (Jake Novak)

      This morning President Obama signed the repeal of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' into law. He would have signed it last night, but supporters of the bill didn't want to miss last night's episode of 'Glee.' (Conan O'Brien) 

      The military says that one in four applicants is too fat or uneducated to qualify. It's obvious that Don't Ask, Don't Tell was repealed because so many gay people are thin and smart. (Jim Barach)

      The US Senate has finally voted to repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell', mostly because about 30 of the Senators voting thought the bill was about what they do with their interns. (Jake Novak)

      Pres. Obama signed the landmark law that repealed the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy for the military. It's been replaced with the new "Is That A Gun In Your Pocket or Are You Saluting Me?" policy. (Jerry Perisho)

      Now if you're in the military and want to engage in gay activity you just have to fill out the HB-290 Homosexual Behavior Requisition Form. (David Letterman)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama met with leaders of 60 American Indian tribes. I don't want to say the country's in bad shape, but he offered to give it back to them. (Jay Leno) 

      The president was honored by the Indians with his own Indian name. They now call him, 'Dances With Republicans'. (Jay Leno)

      Michelle Obama wore a vintage thrift-store dress from the 1950s for the Christmas in Washington concert. She's not the only one going vintage. In fact, her husband just agreed to a tax plan from the early 2000s. (Jimmy Fallon) 

      President Obama read his new children's book to a classroom of second-graders in Virginia. It did not go well. Fifty-nine percent of the kids disapproved, and 83 percent of the children felt the story was headed in the wrong direction.  (Jay Leno) 

      President Obama says the economy will be his "singular focus" over the next two years. Mostly because the Congress won't let him get anything else done. (Jim Barach)

      THE CONGRESS

      Congress has voted to extend the Bush tax cuts. Is it me, or is George W. Bush getting more done now than when he was in office? (Jay Leno) 

      House Republicans have blocked passage of the Child Marriage Prevention Act. Apparently southern Congressmen were asking what's next, stopping people from marrying their relatives? (Jim Barach)

      Harry Reid pushed the DREAM Act on Friday to grant citizenship to children of illegal aliens. The debate runs along partisan lines. Democrats say the DREAM Act will result in a greater America, while Republicans say it will result in Greater Mexico. (Argus Hamilton) 

      LOCAL NEWS

      The City of Oakland has postponed its plans to start a large scale, industrial medical marijuana plant. It turns out no one working at a pot plant can stay focused for more than 15 minutes at a time. (Jake Novak)

      The New York Post says New York's bed bug infestation has spread to Los Angeles by way of open suitcases in hotel rooms. It's added to the cost of dating. Women in Los Angeles now define safe sex as a brand-new mattress that's still inside the plastic wrap. (Argus Hamilton) 

      New York City's mayor Michael Bloomberg has asked Christmas tree lot owners to keep them open 24-7 -- for security, shopping convenience, and to simulate the forests which were stripped bare by developers. (Bob Mills)

      Police officers just found two chickens in midtown Manhattan. Or as pigeons call them, tourists. (Jimmy Fallon)

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      Sarah Palin is angry that Michelle Obama is suggesting that parents encourage their kids to eat healthy. Palin thinks that if we have healthy children, the terrorists have won. (David Letterman) 

      A new poll shows President Obama ahead of Sarah Palin 54 percent to 39 percent in a potential match up. You know what that means? John McCain could get Barack Obama elected twice. (Jay Leno) 

      On his last show, Larry King told Bill Clinton they were both members of the Zipper Club because they both had open heart surgery. Clinton was, "Uh, yeah, that's why I'm a member of the Zipper Club." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Sarah Palin is getting into the Christmas spirit. Today, she shot a partridge in a pear tree. (David Letterman) 

      Mitt Romney led all GOP candidates Thursday in a poll of Iowa conservative groups, which includes a group wanting to draft Dick Cheney for president. Good luck on that one. They tried to draft Dick Cheney five times during the Vietnam War and it just didn't work. (Argus Hamilton) 

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Yahoo! Finance reports DreamWorks Animation's shares dropped more than three percent this week due to the less-than-expected performance of Megamind. On the bright side, it hasn't fallen nearly as far as Donovan McNabb's stock. (RJ Currie)

      Gillette has dropped their sponsorship of Tiger Woods. What's worse is that they are considering replacing him with Brett Favre. (Jim Barach)

      Dick Cheney's former company Halliburton paid thirty-five million dollars Wednesday to Nigeria. It was to pay fines for bribing Nigerian officials to acquire six billion dollars in business. It's a lesson to business majors in colleges everywhere that crime doesn't pay. (Argus Hamilton) 

      A women's sanitary products company has released a new ad campaign saying their product will protect you from Wikileaks. At least it's better than their last slogan: 'Caps your spill faster than BP.' (Conan O'Brien) 

      A Connecticut company is marketing stuffed toys in the shapes of germs, including the cold germ and E. coli. Or you could just buy stuffed toys made in China and get the real thing. (Jim Barach)

      Toyota has been fined a record $32.4 Million for failing to inform regulators of defects in their vehicles. Their excuse is that the test drivers who discovered the cars wouldn't stop were never heard from again. (Jim Barach)

      Gulf Oil CEO Joe Petrowski says that oil could hit $150 a barrel by summer. Apparently the oil industry figures now that the economy is starting to recover and people have a little money, it's time to take it. (Jim Barach)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      The FBI says violent crime dropped 6.2% in the first six months of 2010. Apparently unemployment is so bad that criminals just can't afford bullets, knives or guns any more. (Jim Barach)

      TERRORISM & SECURITY

      A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir to sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with his hands down your pants going, "Do you feel what I feel?" (Jay Leno)

      Security officials say that al-Qaida once considered spreading poison through salad bars across the U. S. But they abandoned the plan after Sizzler beat them to it. (Jimmy Fallon) 

      On a flight from Cuba to Canada, a man threatened to shoot flight attendants after they stopped serving him drinks. He has been charged with making death threats and if convicted, he could lose his pilot's license. (Jay Leno) 

      EUROPE

      After spirited debate, the Swiss parliament legalized consensual sex between blood relatives. The measure was sponsored by southern Sweden's popular Bobby Joe Swensen and his wife/couisin, Dixie Belle. (Bob Mills)

      In Germany, an airport hired clowns to entertain grumpy passengers whose flights have been delayed. None of the clowns survived. (Conan O'Brien)

      THE FAR EAST

      Happy birthday to Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama was going to get him a present, but it's a little weird buying someone a gift with their own money. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Last April, China tested its control of the internet by intercepting 15% of e-mail traffic for less than a nanosecond. It would have gone unnoticed, but several of the messages contained a strip along the bottom with the sender's fortune. (Bob Mills)

      SCIENCE

      Actress Marilu Henner is one of only six people in the world who have a condition called superior autobiographical memory, where she can remember every day of her life. As opposed to everyone in the Bush Administration who can't seem to remember anything that happened from 2001-2009. (Jim Barach)

      A Scripps Oceanography study shows that bowhead whales can live over 200 years, making them the earth's longest-living mammals. And smart, too. Most opt for early retirement when they hit 162. (Bob Mills)

      After years of experimentation, the Russians have developed a hybrid sedan powered by a mixture of gasoline and vodka. Not only economical, it's quick, too -- goes from zero to sixty in 12 steps. (Bob Mills)

      Scientists at UC Berkeley have discovered a greener fuel for automobiles that's made from swimming pool algae. Shell now offers three grades: Regular, High test and "Mosquitoes Delight." (Bob Mills)

      HEALTH

      A study by Harvard Med School's Brigham & Womans Hospital shows that bald men face a 36% higher heart attack risk. Now doctors are advising men to take two tablets a day -- aspirin and Rogaine. (Bob Mills)

      The EPA just announced that the artificial sweetener saccharin is not a cancer threat after all. Or as I'll be reporting the story 10 years from now, 'The EPA just announced that the artificial sweetener saccharin is definitely a cancer threat after all." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Studies have shown that girls realize the benefits of being slender by the age of three. Products already cashing in include Nutri-Slim teething rings, Jenny Craig high-fiber Zwieback, and designer Dr. Denton's. (Bob Mills)

      The FDA has now approved using Gardasil to fight anal cancer. Previously, the best defense against the disease was not dating Ryan O'Neal. (Jake Novak)

      Travelers on Lufthansa may watch a 10-minute video of exercises called "Flyrobics" that can be performed while seated. Routines include "Burp Bag Deep Breathing," "Overhead Bin Stretches," and "Tray Table Pushups." (Bob Mills)

      An Oregon couple is suing a doctor for $650,000 to pay for their child that was born after a failed vasectomy. The doctor is being charged in yet another case of WikiLeaks. 

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      It is so wet in LA, the hookers on Santa Monica Blvd are charging $100 for a blow-dry job. (Alex Kaseberg)

      It's been raining heavily in Los Angeles. There were 260 traffic accidents. Most of them were caused by people texting while hydroplaning. (Jay Leno)

      It is so wet in L. A., Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of buoys. (Alex Kaseberg)

      It's been pouring in Los Angeles for four days. God is upset that Larry King quit. (Conan O'Brien)

      California is getting soaked. It looks like Kirstie Alley after 10 minutes on the treadmill. (Jerry Perisho)

      The rain is coming down so hard in Los Angeles, that Robert Downey Jr. has started to build an ark to store all his drugs two-by-two. (Jake Novak)

      Heavy storms in Southern California have washed tons of worthless toxic items out to sea. They include LA Mayor Villaraigosa's empty campaign promises, the LA Clippers' playbook, and Pam Anderson's old breast implants. (Jerry Perisho)

      Strong winter storms are pounding southern California. Some people are calling the Clippers season a complete washout; oh wait, that has nothing to do with the rain. (Jerry Perisho)

      Driving conditions in Los Angeles were so bad last night, I saw Lindsay Lohan slide on to the road. (Conan O'Brien)

      It is so wet in LA, the hookers on Santa Monica Blvd are charging $100 for a blow-dry job. (Alex Kaseberg)

      It's raining like crazy in California. But at least the mudslides will put out the wildfires. (David Letterman)

      Southern California was soaked by a Pacific storm called the Pineapple Express this past week, causing mudslides and flooding and chaos. It's completely crazy. Last night Mel Gibson was pulled over for speeding on Malibu Canyon Road and he was in his house. (Argus Hamilton) 

      It's the winter solstice, which means it was the shortest day of the year -- unless your kid dragged you to the new "Yogi Bear" movie. (Conan O'Brien)

      It's the winter solstice, when the earth's axial tilt is furthest from the sun. I have no idea what that means. It's also the shortest day of the year. Congratulations, midgets. (Craig Ferguson)

      SPORTS

      The big 10 will divide into Leaders and Legends divisions. They decided that having more than 10 teams shouldn't be the dumbest thing about the conference. (fark.com)

      NHL president Gary Bettman reportedly has no problem with Bruce Boudreau's profanity-laced rant on HBO's 24/7. No surprise really; Bettman's probably used to hearing obscenities. (RJ Currie)

      There's a new page in the NFL handbook for rookie punters. 1. When punting at the end of the half or the end of a game, make sure to punt the ball out of bounds. 2. If you can't punt it out of bounds, for Gawd's sake punt it to the sidelines. At least that way one of your coaches will have a chance to trip the guy. (Janice Hough)

      The Cincinnati Bengals recently agreed to pay $7.4 million in rent for Paul Brown Stadium over the next five years. Isn't that a lot for a team that rarely bothers to show up? (Scott Henson)

      The Chicago Bears defeated the Minnesota Vikings 40-14 in the final game for both teams before Christmas. Talk about season's beatings.  (RJ Currie)

      The NY Giants blew a 31-10 fourth quarter lead and lost to the Philadelphia Eagles, 38-31. The Giants mostly choked because they were afraid Eagles QB Michael Vick was going to euthanize them. (Jake Novak)

      Well, we've just had confirmed what many sports fans have long suspected. The best performing professional football players in the state of Ohio play for the Buckeyes. (Janice Hough)

      The New York Yankees had to pay an $18 Million luxury tax to Major League Baseball. Yankee management says it's worth the money they pay Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter just to see all the hot woman they bring to the ballpark. (Jim Barach)

      The World Surfing Championships continued at the beaches of California Thursday with spectacular conditions. Yesterday a surfer rode a forty-foot-high monster nearly a mile all the way to the Malibu shore. He was standing on top of Steven Spielberg's house. (Argus Hamilton) 

      A two-seater airplane crash-landed in a bunker at a Southern California golf course. The good news is that no one was seriously hurt, but a one-stroke penalty was assessed for grounding their ride. (Scott Henson)

      A man who threw waffles on the ice during the Toronto-Atlanta game has been banned from the Air Canada Centre. This means he can't go to any Leafs or Raptors home games. They call that a punishment? (RJ Currie)

      Officials in Qatar, site of the 2022 World Games, warn that alcohol and gay sex will be off limits for athletes. In fact, each team will be allowed only one gay on the roster to crochet holes in their goal net. (Bob Mills)

      The UConn women's basketball team has now won a record 89 games in a row. The Lady Huskies are playing so well, the New Jersey Nets have asked the NBA to promise they'll never have to play them. (Jake Novak)

      Michigan State Coach Tom Izzo will sit out Michigan State's game on Saturday against Prairie View A&M, after receiving a one game suspension for a "secondary" rules violiation involving hiring an associate of a potential recruit. Really? A one game suspension against Prairie View A&M. Wonder if the NCAA will also make sure Izzo gets medical attention for that slap on the wrist? (Ja

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