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Weakly Humerus News 12-11-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-11-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK According to a report, the worst drivers in the country are in Washington, D.C.
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 11 12:14 AM
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-11-10


      According to a report, the worst drivers in the country are in Washington, D.C. Republicans can only turn right, Democrats can only turn left, and Obama is weaving all over the place. (Jay Leno)

      If Newton wins the Heisman, the trophy should be recast in honor of Cam’s dad. The guy on the top of the trophy shouldn’t have his arm out, he should have his hand out. (Mike Bianchi)

      It's so cold that the security guys at the airports are putting their hands in their own pants. (David Letterman)

      I read that UPS is now requiring customers to show a photo ID when they ship something. It's just like the TSA. First, they check your ID, and then they check your package. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Mike Tyson is heading to the International Boxing Hall of Fame. Who said his career was ear-redeemable? (RJ Currie)

      A man in Australia married his Labrador Retriever. At least the Lab was female as they don’t look lightly at gay marriages down under. (Stan Kegel)

      Iran began holding talks with the six world powers. Participants were the U.S., Russia, China, Britain, France, and Oprah. (Conan O'Brien)

      A medical clinic that caters to porn stars in L. A. was shut down after losing their license. It was the only place porn stars ever heard the words, "Now you might feel a little prick." (Jim Barach)

      A study says that girls who walk or ride bicycles to school do better on tests. Although the ones who hitchhike end up with a lot more dates. (Jim Barach)

      Blizzards and ice storms have blanketed Europe, causing airport closures in London, Paris, Berlin, Warsaw and Geneva. For the first time in history, all of the assets in Swiss banks were frozen. (Bob Mills)

      The U. S. State Department took a break from its war against WikiLeaks today to announce that America will be hosting ‘World Press Freedom Day’. (PBen News Network)

      Some Los Angeles city councilmen have proposed a 5% tax on medical marijuana. Others favor what they call the "Sherlock Holmes" tax -- which is a 7% solution. (Bob Mills)

      Charles Manson was caught using a cell phone in prison; believe it or not, cell phones work great in prison, you always have a lot of bars. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Johnson & Johnson is recalling 13 Million packages of Rolaids that reportedly have metal and wood particles in the product. At first, executives just wanted to change the label to say "Now with added fiber and iron". (Jim Barach)

      President Obama enlisted Colin Powell Wednesday to persuade the Senate to pass a treaty with Russia limiting nuclear weapons. They're obsolete. Who needs nuclear weapons when we can destroy any country in the world just by defaulting on our Treasury bonds? (Argus Hamilton)

      The White House sought custody of Julian Assange Tuesday after he was detained in London. This is globalization. Only in today's world could an Australian hiding in Britain while operating a website in Sweden find himself getting arrested for un-American activity. (Argus Hamilton)

      Because of a printing error, a billion new $100 bills have to be destroyed. They're going to burn $100 billion dollars -- just like they did with the last stimulus program. (Jay Leno)


      WikiLeaks head Julian Assange says that if arrested, he will release secret documents, including information on UFOs. Arrest him, I want to see those documents. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      WikilLeaks has finally met its match. That's the bombshell from fugitive founder Julian Assange, who said that after months of hacking former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin's brain, WikiLeaks has come up empty. (Andy Borowitz)

      Hillary Clinton flew to Asia to repair allied relations hurt by WikiLeaks. She herself was once a young staffer on the House Impeachment Committee that reviewed Richard Nixon's released secret tapes. You can read the transcripts at TrikiDikiLeaks. (Argus Hamilton)

      Julian Assange was arrested by British authorities. Our secrets are safe -- as long as no one else figures out how to use the Internet. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is charged with sexually harassing two female staffers. Friends say he was hoping no one would hear about it, but these days it seems like nobody can keep a secret. (Bob Mills)

      One of charges against WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, is that he had sex with a Swedish woman but his condom broke resulting in unprotected sex which is against the law in Sweden. His condom broke, so I guess his Wiki really did leak. (Alex Kaseberg)

      WikiLeaks founder denies rape accusations in Sweden, says he was too busy screwing America's troops. (Scott Witt)

      WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange threatened to release an encrypted poison pill cache of secret U. S. documents. He could expose everything the administration has done. Americans haven't seen so many people in high places nervous since Heidi Fleiss got arrested. (Argus Hamilton)

      WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange says he's going to release damaging files on BP and Guantanamo Bay if his website is shut down. Excuse me? No one besmirches the good names of BP and Guantanamo Bay. (Jimmy Fallon)

      According to WikiLeaks, the airing of American TV shows in the Middle East is helping to stop Islamic extremism. Would-be terrorists watch our reality shows and realize they've already won. (Conan O'Brien)

      After hacking into Visa and MasterCard yesterday, WikiLeaks supporters now want to take down Amazon.com. After they do it, Amazon will suggest a list of similar sites they might also enjoy hacking. (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true. Thanks to WikiLeaks. (Jay Leno)

      WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is being extradited to Sweden for sex crimes. Even Roman Polanski is disgusted by this guy. (Jerry Perisho)

      What kind of name is WikiLeaks? It sounds like a Hawaiian guy that's incontinent. (Jay Leno)

      Supporters of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange have been targeting Sarah Palin's accounts. They figured out her password, which was "Palin2012." They got it on the first guess. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      WikiLeaks supporters have hacked into Sarah Palin's credit card information after she criticized Julian Assange. Sarah said she's very upset, and hopes all suspicious charges to her account can be refundiated. (Jimmy Fallon)

      WikiLeaks has revealed that China tried to censor the Internet. That's not the China I know. (David Letterman)

      WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange turned himself in to police in England today. When the judge asked him where he lived, he said he didn't want to give out that information. Maybe "Wiki-hypocrite" would be a better name for this guy. (Jay Leno)

      Dilemma: Will Julian Assange be in jail when it's time for him to accept the Nobel Prize? (Scott Witt)


      Xmas is coming. Biblical historians speak of why Mary and Joseph chose a stable to rest that fateful night. The other option was her parents. (Alan Ray)

      You have to be careful of political correctness this time of the year. You can't call them "Santa's elves" anymore. They're "undocumented little people." (Jay Leno)

      'T'was the night before Christmas' is such enchanting poetry. When what to my wondering eyes should appear. Eight reindeer using the rooftop as a lavatory. (Alan Ray)

      'Tis the holiday season. Biblical scholars teach the 3 wise men brought the baby Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Unfortunately, what Mary had registered for was OshKosh. (Alan Ray)

      It's Christmas time. It's that wonderful season of the year where people string up a little tinsel, some trinkets, some popcorn and some cranberries. Or, as Lady Gaga calls that, an outfit. (Frank King)


      A poll says that tax cuts for the wealthy are only supported by one third of voters. That pretty much is made up of the very wealthy and people who watch Fox News. (Jim Barach)

      Do you know that president Obama is into re-gifting? In fact, he just gave the Republicans the tax cuts he inherited from President Bush. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama has reached a deal with Republicans to extend the Bush tax cuts, in exchange for extending jobless benefits. Republicans in Congress say they're thrilled with the tax cuts, while Democrats leaving Congress say they're thrilled with the jobless benefits. (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama has agreed to extend the Bush-era tax cuts. Because if there's anything we need, it's an extension of the Bush era. (David Letterman)

      It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It's so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama is now considering reducing corporate tax rates. That, and the fact that he's installing a Polo field behind the White House have people thinking Obama is moving a little to the right. (Jake Novak)

      More and more Congressional Democrats are abandoning President Obama's tax deal. It's not clear whether it's because they disagree with the compromise, or because he didn't get any of them an X-Box Kinect for Christmas. (Jake Novak)

      President Obama was blasted by Democrats Wednesday for giving the GOP tax cuts, earned income tax credits and lower payroll taxes. Democrats and Republicans agree on only one thing now. If Obama had been an Indian chief, Custer would have died of old age. (Argus Hamilton)


      President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. Nobody knew he was going -- except for the WikiLeaks guy. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama went to Afghanistan over the weekend. He dropped in, shook a few hands, and left within an hour. It's like me at Thanksgiving. (David Letterman)

      Obama was going to have a meeting with Afghan President Karzai about the country's corruption, incompetence, and the wasting of American tax dollars. And that's just what Karzai was going to lecture Obama about. (Jay Leno)

      On President Obama's visit to Afghanistan he wanted to meet with President Hamid Karzai, but it was cancelled by bad weather. Obama was going to suggest that they change the name of the country to YesWeCanistan. And if Karzai didn't play ball, Af-gone-istan. (Frank King)

      President Obama caved in to the GOP and extended Bush’s tax cuts. Looks like he can be talked into anything. Even Michelle got him to blame basketball for his split lip instead of rough sex. (Bob Mills)

      Thousands of people turned out to see President Obama's Christmas tree lighting. Maroon 5 played at the tree lighting. They were a big deal a couple years ago. Sort of like President Obama. (Craig Ferguson)

      Pres. Obama has granted the first pardons of his presidency. Among the offenses pardoned were drug possessions, counterfeiting, and selling season tickets to Baltimore Orioles games. He pardoned nine offenders; not among them was the guy who hit him in the mouth during the basketball game. (Jerry Perisho)


      Because of a printing error nearly a billion $100 bills will have to be destroyed. Hey, if these bills are worthless, don't destroy them. Use them to pay off the Chinese. (Jay Leno)

      In case Pres. Obama has any openings in the Defense Dept., Albert Haynesworth just became available. (Jerry Perisho)


      Hal Rogers, a Kentucky Congressman known as the 'Prince of Pork' for his skill at getting money for his hometown, has been named head of the Appropriations Committee, which will allegedly lead the GOP drive to cut federal earmarks. Isn't this like having unwed teen mother Bristol Palin spearhead an abstinence drive? (Janice Hough)

      House Speaker-to-be John Boehner announced plans Thursday to install the first ladies' room convenient for women lawmakers, located in the hall outside the House Chamber. It's about time. Until now they had to drive over to Virginia and go outdoors. (Argus Hamilton)

      Senator Harry Reid tried Monday to push through a measure legalizing online poker and giving Nevada and New Jersey a monopoly on the currently outlawed action. It's a trade protection measure. Harry Reid wants all gangsters to be made in America. (Argus Hamilton)

      The U.S. Capitol was swarmed by fresh faces Friday as new lawmakers began arriving before taking office in January. The swearing-in ceremony is a sacred tradition. The new congressmen stand in the Chamber, raise their right hands, and take the Hypocritical Oath. (Argus Hamilton)


      The Republicans might be willing to allow homosexual men and women to die for their country, once anyone earning over $500,000 a year is allowed to park in handicapped spaces and be addressed as 'Guvner' in an English accent. (John Oliver)

      Legislation was enacted in 1993 designed to allow gay people to serve in the military as long as they told their colleagues that the ripped, topless and be-jean shorted fireman that they had in their foot locker was cousin Rico. (Jay Leno)

      The Obama team wants to give the military a 1.4% raise next year. Unfortunately, Wikileaks is offering 2.4%. (Jake Novak)

      The X-37B, a remote-controlled space plane, landed last week after circling the globe for seven months. It was supposed to return last August, but the pilots spent too much time in the Sky Room at Vandenberg and overshot the runway by four months. (Bob Mills)


      South Carolina governor Mark Sanford now says his 2009 affair and disgrace actually made him a more effective governor. Hmm, maybe now we know why Bill Clinton was able to get so much legislation passed. (Janice Hough)

      People in New York State say they would prefer service cuts to higher taxes. Just as soon as they figure out which services the state actually offers. (Jim Barach)


      Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa attacked the teachers unions last night, saying they have blocked all his efforts for education reform. He also complained that sometimes, they send their campaign contributions to his office a little late. (Jake Novak)

      A San Francisco marijuana collective delivers medicinal marijuana to people's homes. The service may be contracted out to Domino's Pizza so they could take care of the patient's delivery needs at the same time. (Jim Barach)

      There's a medical marijuana store in California that apparently makes home deliveries. I think that's called a 'dealer' (Jimmy Fallon)

      Boulder, Colo., and Ann Arbor, Mich., came in 1-2 when Portfolio.com released its list of America's 10 brainiest cities. Apparently it was determined before the Buffs' and Wolverines' last football-coaching hires. (Dwight Perry)


      Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Part-time Governor Sarah Palin shot and killed a reindeer on last week's TV show. And that was her Christmas special. Took her three shots. Well, she's rusty. Last thing she brought down was John McCain (David Letterman)

      Sarah Palin defended killing a Caribou on "Sarah Palin's Alaska" by posting on twitter if you've ever eaten meat you cannot criticize. Really? That's like Michael Vick saying you can't criticize dog fighting if you've ever wagged your finger and said; "Bad dog." (Alex Kaseberg)

      Sarah Palin says she is planning a trip to Europe and Israel next year. For someone who hates socialists and non-Christians, the only way that trip could be worse is to be sitting on the plane flight in between Whoopi Goldberg and Bill O'Reilly. (Jim Barach)

      Between the made-up words and wildly shooting at anything with four legs, Sarah Palin is turning into Elmer Fudd. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The Palins and the Gosselins are going camping together on "Sarah Palin's Alaska." I think they'll get lost in the woods and have to eat one of the Gosselin kids. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      The tax cut deal means tax cuts for the rich and benefits for the unemployed. If you work for a living, you're screwed. (Jay Leno)

      Obama says he wants to jump-start the economy with the tax cut bill. His former Democratic pals say all he's jumping is ship. (Scott Witt)

      President Obama has extended the Bush-era tax cuts. Let's extend the policies of a man that gave us the greatest recession in the history of the planet. (Jay Leno)

      These days when government workers apply for loans, banks check not only their credit records but also their WikiLeaks references. (Scott Witt)


      The biggest winner on Black Friday was Costco. So kids can look forward to running downstairs on Christmas morning to find a 12-gallon barrel of olives. (Conan O'Brien)

      The store that is said to have done the best on Black Friday was: Costco! So, you're not just getting what you want for Christmas -- you're getting TEN of them! (Tim Hunter)

      WalMart announced Tuesday it will partner with Homeland Security to help battle against domestic terrorism. Over six hundred stores will participate. Airport security wasn't humiliating enough, now we're all going to get pat-downs from WalMart greeters. (Argus Hamilton)

      Walmart is now considering selling wine from vending machines. As a precaution, the machine requires that you swipe your driver's license first. If you're buying wine from a vending machine, what are the odds you still have a driver's license? (Jay Leno)

      Wal-Mart is considering installing wine vending machines, with customers having to pass a breathalyzer test. To which Wal-Mart shoppers are good with. Just as long as it isn't an I. Q. test. (Jim Barach)

      7-Eleven is developing a house wine called Cherrywood Cellars. Finally, a wine you can microwave. (Conan O'Brien)

      Consumer Reports has rated AT&T as the worst U. S. wireless carrier. Apparently Apple chose them to be the only carrier for the iPhone because people use their iPhone for everything but to actually make phone calls. (Jim Barach)

      A $62,000 iPhone is being offered that is encased with a T-Rex tooth and material from an ancient meteor. Apparently the motif is an homage to the outdated technology iPhone users get from having AT&T as their carrier. (Jim Barach)

      Apple is working on new 3-D technology that can be seen without special glasses. But it's not ready yet, so if you want to experience 3-D without having to wear 3-D glasses, go outside and look at something. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A BP official says that efforts to stop the Gulf oil spill leak were too late. But when you are paying millions of dollars for PR companies to work around the clock to protect the company's image, who has any money left to pay spill workers? (Jim Barach)

      Listerine is now offering a less intense mouthwash called Zero. Are there really people out there who find Listerine too intense? Do they also find flossing too complicated? (Alex Kaseberg)


      Wesley Snipes is starting his prison sentence for tax evasion. First, it was Charlie Sheen, now Snipes. It's the curse of the movie "Major League." (Craig Ferguson)

      Wesley Snipes reported to federal prison for not filing income taxes. It seems odd that the punishment for not paying taxes is to go live and eat in a place paid for by taxes. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A woman in Texas is going to jail for too many overdue library books. First you arrest Willie Nelson for pot, then send a woman to jail for library books? Kids, let that be a lesson. Never read, and don't carry marijuana on your tour bus in Texas. (Craig Ferguson)

      An Alabama woman has been charged with stealing 200 books from a library. Alabamans were puzzled. How many wobbly tables can one person have? (Jim Barach)

      Charles Manson was caught with a hidden cell phone under his prison mattress. In his defense, Manson said he was only using it to stab people. (Conan O'Brien)

      Charles Manson was caught with a cell phone under his mattress in prison. And you thought it was creepy getting a text message from Brett Favre. (Conan O'Brien)

      Charles Manson was caught with a cell phone hidden underneath his prison mattress. Guards became suspicious after Manson started wearing a Bluetooth earphone. (Conan O'Brien)

      Charles Manson was busted for having a cell phone in his prison cell. He's surrounded by concrete and metal bars. What carrier does he have? (Jay Leno)


      Former "Baywatch" star and Playboy Playmate Donna D'Errico claims a male TSA agent singled her out for a full body scan at LAX. It was a wise decision. Why waste a good body scan on a fat, hairy guy from the Middle East? (Jerry Perisho)

      The TSA was found Friday to have put CNN's Drew Griffin on its terrorist watch list for his reports critical of their airport security procedures. Think of the benefits. The TSA makes it possible for you to get molested this Christmas even if you don't go to church. (Argus Hamilton)

      Because it's the holiday travel season and everyone is on edge, when the TSA agents have their hands in your pants, don't be surprised if they leave a candy cane. (David Letterman)


      In an interview with V magazine, the beautiful actress Salma Hayek reveals that she came to the United States illegally. How many guys are rethinking their stance on illegal immigration now? (Jay Leno)

      Another foreign family has sued the government because their illegal alien relative died in prison. The family is also suing his cellmate for not using Vaseline. (Jake Novak)

      NASA & SPACE

      NASA reportedly sold some computers that still contained sensitive data. It turns out not to be a problem since the information was already released by WikiLeaks. (Jim Barach)

      NASA sold hundreds of computers without erasing their hard drives which contained some of their most guarded secrets -- space shuttle construction diagrams, rocket design plans and the formula for Tang. (Bob Mills)

      A Japanese space probe is hurtling toward the sun after it overshot Venus. So much for JaMarcus Russell's career as an aerospace engineer. (Bill Littlejohn)


      Two men on horseback avoided several attempts by Calgary police to nab them during a chase through city streets. The riders got away; the police were penalized for an attempted horse tackle collar. (RJ Currie)


      Mexican police have charged a 14-year old boy, nicknamed "El Ponchis," with being a hit man for a drug cartel. Officials first became suspicious when they spotted him trying to stuff a body into the trunk of his bike. (Bob Mills)


      Sarah Palin is headed to Haiti. She'll help fight cholera and show Haitians how to make mukluks from the moose you just killed. (Jerry Perisho)


      A city in Germany has created a "pleasure tax", forcing prostitutes to purchase tickets for each day they're working. I want to thank the Germans for not calling it a 'pole tax'. (Jerry Perisho)

      In Paris, a retired electrician was found with 271 Picasso paintings. He claims they were payments for administering shock treatments to scramble the faces of his models. (Bob Mills)

      The Vatican was voted the most ecological city in the world thanks to giant solar panels installed on roofs. They not only save on electricity, but the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel is even more impressive in flashing neon. (Bob Mills)


      Nigerian authorities are charging former Vice President Dick Cheney on a bribery scandal that involves Haliburton. That's when you know you're bad, when guys in Nigeria are accusing YOU of running a scam. Cheney has offered to be hooked up to a polygraph, as soon as he's unhooked from the defibrillator. (Jay Leno)


      The Chinese government is very upset that a dissident is receiving the Nobel Peace Prize. They said that any countries attending the ceremonies will be insulting China. This could be the first insult started by a peace prize. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A Chinese passenger train just broke a record by hitting 302 miles per hour. Passengers called it "a thrilling experience," while the guy in the bathroom called it "the worst day of my life." (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Chinese have unveiled a bullet train that can reach speeds up to 300 mph and travel between Beijing and Shanghai in less than four hours. They're calling it the "Moo Goo Gai Pan Pacific Railway." (Bob Mills)


      A 20-year-old Australian man married his 5-year-old yellow Labrador named Honey. Between you and me, I don't think its going to last, he thought she was a bitch before they got married. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A man in Australia married his 5-year-old Labrador. That's just wrong. You can't make a big decision like that when you're only 5 years old. (Jimmy Fallon)


      Scientists have discovered a gene that makes boys develop as girls. They have reportedly named it the "Seacrest Gene". (Jim Barach)

      NASA scientists discovered life made from toxic chemicals in a California lake bed. It's the first organism that can thrive and survive with arsenic in its cell component. It will be mixed with chocolate and marketed as a Kremlin after-dinner mint. (Argus Hamilton)


      A leading cardiologist warns that heart attack deaths increase by 35% in December. Choking deaths also go up, mainly people who try to swallow Aunt Martha's 20-year old walnut & cherry fruitcake. (Bob Mills)

      A study says that more Americans are depressed, but fewer are getting psychotherapy. Of course, most the people become depressed when they find out their health insurance doesn't cover psychotherapy. (Jim Barach)

      The latest cheap high for kids is smoking or snorting nutmeg. This is different from the traditional use of nutmeg by stoners. They would limit their nutmeg use to desserts they would devour after getting high. (Jim Barach)

      The FDA approved a new diet drug to help battle the obesity epidemic Tuesday. The crisis is affecting our love lives. Young men won't believe it, but there was a time in Los Angeles when three women could get into a hot tub with you without flooding the patio. (Argus Hamilton)

      A study says that children who breathe in secondhand smoke are more likely to later develop mental health problems. Apparently that means kids who can afford their own cigarettes are a lot more well balanced. (Jim Barach)


      The start of December has been the coldest in England since 1659. It got so cold that year that even people who weren't accused of being witches were burned at the stake to keep the townspeople warm. (Jim Barach)

      The Weather Channel attributed Tuesday's early winter arrival to this season's La Nina. The West will remain bone-dry. California is so prone to brushfires that a fire truck must be present whenever Willie Nelson's tour bus crosses the state line. (Argus Hamilton)

      It's cold in New York City. At St. Patrick's, they put antifreeze in the holy water. (David Letterman)

      Cold weather grips the Deep South. You can tell when it’s frigid in rural Alabama. Locals sleep with an extra cousin. (Alan Ray)

      It's so cold in St. Louis that travelers are requesting seconds on TSA pat-downs just to stay warm. (Craig Ferguson)


      A judge in LA ruled that the McCourts' prenup is invalid so ownership of the Dodgers is still uncertain. To complicate matters, documents have turned up that indicate Tommy Lasorda may have sold the team to Fernando Valenzuela. (Bob Mills)

      In light of the latest ruling in the McCourt divorce case, Dodgers ask National League to play a split season in 2010. (Dwight Perry)

      The L.A. Dodgers were ruled community property in the divorce trial of Frank and Jamie McCourt. The marriage broke up over her affair with the chauffeur. Liaisons like that would be impossible if traffic in Los Angeles ever moved from time to time. (Argus Hamilton)

      The University of Texas paid football coach Mack Brown over $5 million this year. And the Longhorns won exactly five games. $1 million dollars a victory. That's actually less than what the San Francisco Giants have paid Barry Zito. (Janice Hough)

      Sylvester Stallone had been elected to the International Boxing Hall of Fame. In other news, the Golf Maintenance Workers of America have selected Bill Murray as a 2011 Hall of Fame inductee. (Jerry Perisho)

      A lot of experts think Gators' coach Urban Meyer will take a year off, get his second wind and come back to football. Think of it as Urban renewal. (RJ Currie)

      Urban Meyer is resigning as head football coach at Florida. He's got a contract through 2015, so he's in the running for this year's Sarah Palin Award. It's the second time he's quit this year; he's become the Bret Favre of college football (Jerry Perisho)

      The Redskins fumbled 6 times on Sunday: I wonder if they spent the previous night at a strip club. (Dan Daly)

      The Philadelpha Eagles are complaining that other teams aren't being penalized for illegal hits on Michael Vick. But really, should they be surprised? It's a "dog eat dog" world. (Janice Hough)

      Oregon and Auburn will play for the college football BCS championship next month. Classes at both schools will remain canceled until that game, as they have been since September. (Jake Novak)

      New York Jets coach Rex Ryan buried the game ball after an embarrassing loss to the Patriots. As he was digging the hole, he found 412 buried New York Knicks basketballs. (Jerry Perisho)

      The 2022 World Cup were awarded to Qatar, where the average June-July temperature is 100-plus degrees. At least this time when players flop, they'll be doing it for a reason. (Janice Hough)

      NFL stadiums are rougher than sandpaper thongs lately, These days, NFL fans make NHL fans look like Miss Manners. They're often buy-a-vowel drunk, spewing cuss words and looking to fight. And the men are sometimes worse. (Rick Reilly)

      The Washington State football team dropped two players after police found 38 marijuana plants growing in their house. The team was 2-10 this season, but these guys seemed to be pretty mellow about it. (Jerry Perisho)


      Cam Newton led Auburn into the BCS national championship with an emphatic 56-17 drubbing of South Carolina. I will say one thing, the Tigers are certainly getting more value for what they're paying their quarterback than the San Francisco 49ers. (Janice Hough)

      Reggie Bush, saying he didn't know his parents were living in that posh house paid for by player agents, now wants his Heisman Trophy back. (Dwight Perry)

      Brett Favre says despite a bad shoulder he will probably start for the Vikings this weekend. The man is just full of surprises. (RJ Currie)

      Jenn Sterger said this week she has "extensive evidence" that Brett Favre sent her lewd pictures of himself. When Favre heard about this, he said, "Well, I don't like to brag." (RJ Currie)

      Jim Furyk was voted PGA Player of the Year. Out of habit, Elin Nordegren began beating his car with a three wood. (Jerry Perisho)

      Mike Tyson told Larry King he has 2,500 pigeons. Or as the New York Islanders call them, season ticket holders. (RJ Currie)

      Jamie Moyer underwent Tommy John surgery. Seems fair. In 1974, Tommy John had Jamie Moyer surgery. (Cam Hutchinson)

      Adam Dunn agreed to a four-year, $56 million contract with the Chicago White Sox. That's what I call a Dunn deal. (RJ Currie)

      Veteran slugger Jayson Werth has inked a $126 million deal with the Washington Nationals. Critics say his batting average will probably drop. He won't get to face the Washington Nationals. (Alan Ray)

      Kris Humphries of the Nets scored eight points and picked up seven rebounds on Tuesday. Eight rebounds if you include Kim Kardashian. (RJ Currie)

      It's only fitting that Nets forward Kris Humphries is dating Kim Kardashian. In both cases, he's number 43. (Alan Ray)

      Steve Nash didn't miss a shot against the Wizards becoming just the second player in the shot clock era to do so while posting at least 20 points and 10 assists. I once saw Brooklyn Decker in Sports Illustrated in a spray-on swimsuit; even she didn't look that perfect in the paint. (RJ Currie)

      Keith Fitzhugh turned down an offer to return to the New York Jets, choosing instead to keep a secure job as a railway conductor to support his family. Anyone else think the guy deserves a good conduct medal? (RJ Currie)


      Katie Couric is going to guest star on "Glee". Apparently their ratings were getting too high. (Tim Hunter)

      HBO announced that Oprah will play a madam in a new movie about brothels. In one scene, all the men look under their seats and they get a free hooker. (Craig Ferguson)


      Willie Nelson was arrested for possession of marijuana. Nothing yet on bin Laden, but we got Willie Nelson. (David Letterman)

      The highest-paid female reality star this year was Kim Kardashian, who made $6 million, and the highest-paid male reality star was The Situation from "Jersey Shore," with $3 million. Let this be a message, kids. Stay out of school. (Conan O'Brien)

      Friends confirm that Kim Kardashian is dating NBA player Kris Humphries. The big benefit of dating an NBA player instead of someone in the NFL, the games are shorter and their balls are round. (Jerry Perisho)

      Justin Bieber said that his mom recently canceled his cell phone plan after they had an argument. She was like, "Justin, you will follow my rules as long as I'm living under your roof!" (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Grammy nominations are out. Pop sensation Justin Bieber is heavily favored in one category. Best performance by a single rhythm. (Alan Ray)

      The Jessica Simpson fashion brand has made $750 million dollars so far this year. She'll reportedly amass 7 figures. And once she weighs herself, she'll go get her cut. (Alan Ray)

      It's a great day for Charlie Sheen. He has agreed to do a cameo on the show 'Walking Dead.' He's going to be stumbling, drooling, and acting like a zombie. Then he'll do the show. (Craig Ferguson)

      Paul McCartney was honored at the Kennedy Center. He owes his fame and fortune to 3 factors. The fame to talent and timing. The fortune to Heather Mills. (Alan Ray)

      Barefoot singer Michael Franti is performing concerts with the goal of giving shoes to the needy around the world. Critics say that Franti, who always performs without shoes himself has a good vocal range and tone, but doesn't have any sole. (Jim Barach)


      Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg pledged to give away most of his money. He's doing it by investing in Myspace. (Conan O'Brien)

      Dr. Laura's friends thought she was going through a mid-life crisis when she recently had a skull with a rose in its mouth tattooed on her forearm -- until she explained that it's required of all new members of the Hells Angels. (Bob Mills)


      A new study found that American schoolchildren rank 25th in math, 17th in science, and 14th in reading which, according to my calculations, means we're in third place. We're still leading in PE, recess, and shop. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      U. S. teens are ranked 25th globally in math with China coming in 1st. Apparently the Chinese make sure their students understand high numbers because some day that generation will be collecting on all their loans to the U. S. (Jim Barach)


      This week marks the 69th anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. Toyota is celebrating by offering a full 20% off dealers' invoice during its year-end "Sticker Slash-a-Thon." (Bob Mills)

      It was this time in 1933 that prohibition was repealed. Prohibition was such a good idea. Making something illegal always stops people from using it. (Craig Ferguson)

      The National Archives released more never-before-heard Richard Nixon Oval Office audiotapes Friday. His language is shockingly vulgar, sexist, racist and sprinkled with the N-word. That's why Richard Nixon is widely acknowledged today to be the father of Hip-Hop. (Argus Hamilton)

      Racial profiling began on March 6, 1836. On that day Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the thousands of Mexicans moving toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?" (Author Unknown)

      A unknown manuscript by Leonardo da Vinci was discovered in a library in France. Curators will carefully examine the entire work but so far, it appears to be a spec movie script entitled “Mona Lisa’s Roman Holiday.” (Bob Mills)

      Researchers found the only known footage of the Titanic. So now there are videos of the three biggest disasters in history: the Titanic, the Hindenburg, and of course, last Monday's New York Jets game. (Jay Leno)


      It’s the seventh night of Hanukkah. It’s the night that parents run out of presents and go around the house wrapping anything. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      Vice officers recently discovered pedophiles hiding cameras in Barbie dolls to produce child porn. Nothing new. Several years back, Ken hid a camera in Barbie's hair to expose her affair with Buzz Light Year. (Bob Mills)


      Since he retired from broadcasting, John Madden has been spending more time brainstorming with the designers who create 'Madden NFL.' That explains why the video game now includes three-hour breaks for tailgating and naps. (Jake Novak)


      A study says that one way to avoid eating junk food is to imagine eating it bite by bite. The group who commissioned the study then told the researchers to imagine they were being paid, dollar by dollar. (Jim Barach)

      A new study found that good-looking people are more likely to have daughters than sons. And ugly people are more likely to have cats. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A study says that winter birthdays may affect people's biological clock and that winter babies are more at risk of mental health disorders. Especially the ones whose birthdays are right around Christmas and have to deal with only getting one present for both. (Jim Barach)

      A new study by Dunkin' Donuts has found that the first thing most people do with gingerbread men is bite their head off. They call it the Brian Burke response. (RJ Currie)

      A poll says that 56% of people with dogs buy them Christmas presents, while only 48% buy for their cats. The other 44% of dog owners try to also put aside a little money to buy something for the kids. (Jim Barach)

      A study says that country boys are more well endowed than city boys. Apparently the research involved testimony from sheep all over the country. (Jim Barach)


      There are just too many awards shows. Now Mel Gibson has been nominated for a Voicey for "Best Angry Phone Call". The award will be presented by last year's winner, Alec Baldwin. (Tim Hunter)


      It's a great day of if you're a nutcase loner. The Unabomber's house in Lincoln, Mont., is up for sale. It's the second-best place to go if you want to hide from everyone. The first-best place to hide is here at 12:30 a.m. (Craig Ferguson)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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