Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

Weakly Humerus News 12-04-10

Expand Messages
  • Stan Kegel
    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-04-10 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 4, 2010
    • 0 Attachment
      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 12-04-10
      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      The Airport screening rule is they can only touch your breasts and groin area over clothes. Same rule my high school prom date had. (Jay Leno)

      The White House is working on a new terror alert system. Instead of colors it's going to tell how handsie the TSA agents are going to be. Yellow stands for cop a feel. Orange stands for gentle junk swipe, and red stands for full-on sextickle. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Coach Pete Caroll said his Seahawks played like garbage last weekend. This may explain why their opponents think the game is in the bag. (RJ Currie)

      What do you get when you cross NASCAR with the Miami Heat? The Daytona Barely. 500 (Dwight Perry)

      President Obama needed twelve stitches in his lip after he got elbowed while playing basketball with friends in town for Thanksgiving. He's lucky. Tiger Woods got a bloody lip last Thanksgiving and he wound up in the Mistress Protection Program. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Russian Space Agency says they will send a satellite into orbit to clean up all the junk and debris that's circling the Earth. NASA responded by saying, "If you touch our junk, we'll have you arrested." (Jay Leno)

      President Barack Obama split his lip in a basketball game and had to have 12 stitches; it was the most serious malady inflicted on a president in a long time that didn't involve an intern or a pretzel. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Police arrested Willie Nelson after finding pot on his tour bus. Looks like it's curtains for Willie -- last time, the judge promised to throw the book at him if he was caught high on the road again. (Bob Mills)

      There was supposed to be a protest, but nobody opted out of the full-body scans, maybe because of the signs TSA posted: "If you are embarrassed by your penis size, you may opt out of being scanned." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Doesn't the name "WikiLeaks" sound like the name of some kind of freaky website that offers every fact imaginable on peeing? (Tim Hunter)

      The Clippers have a lot of talent and they have a bright future, but unfortunately this is the present. (Charles Barkley)

      American Airlines is going to offer happy hour on its flights in December. TSA is feeling us up. The airline is giving us free booze. We don't even have to make Friday night plans anymore. Just book a flight. (Jimmy Fallon)

      License plate frame: "Good Cowgirls Keep their Calves Together" (Tim Hunter)

      Willie Nelson got arrested again for marijuana possession, this time by the U. S. Border Patrol in Texas. And in other startling news, the Clippers have the NBA's worst record and there was a lot of local interest in the Alabama-Auburn game. (Dwight Perry)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . WIKILEAKS

      WikiLeaks is a website that gets a hold of classified information and releases it to the public. They get all kinds of top secret stuff: White House memos, government e-mails, the truth about Lady Gaga. (Craig Ferguson)

      WikiLeaks has released thousands of classified documents that could be detrimental to the United States. Usually, when something this embarrassing about the United States is revealed, it's because Joe Biden said it. (Jay Leno)

      Hillary Clinton was revealed by WikiLeaks Monday to have ordered U. S. diplomats to spy on U. N. delegates from other countries. She wanted to know everything. When you've been with Bill Clinton for forty years you know better than to take anyone's story at face value. (Argus Hamilton)

      Secretary of State Hillary Clinton called WikiLeaks “the most serious invasion of privacy since Facebook (Andy Borowitz)

      President George W. Bush says the Wikileaks documents will hurt U. S. relations. And if there is anyone who knows how to hurt U. S. relations, it is President Bush. (Jim Barach)

      Rep. Peter King says WikiLeaks presents a clear and present danger to our national security and should be branded a terrorist organization. Former Vice President Dick Cheney says we should waterboard the Internet. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      WikiLeaks' Julian Assange said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton should resign for ordering American diplomats to spy on their foreign counterparts. Thanks, creepy Australian guy who's wanted for rape in Sweden, we'll make a note of that. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      WikiLeaks founder denies rape accusations in Sweden, says he was too busy screwing America's troops. (Scott Witt)

      The head of WikiLeaks, Julian Assange, has gone into hiding. They say he's some place all alone where no one can find him. In fact, officials believe he may be hiding in a theater showing "Burlesque." (Jay Leno)

      According to those WikiLeaks documents, Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah wants the U. S. to get tough with Iran by cutting off "the head of the snake." President Obama said, "Couldn't we just elbow them in the lip?" (Frank King)

      WikiLeaks shows our allies are also funding the terrorists. So we're like the commissionless middlemen in a war we're waging against ourselves. (Jon Stewart)

      WikiLeaks revealed Monday that the U. S. was weighing transferring terror suspects from Guantanamo to Illinois State Prison. They'd like it there. Illinois has the cleanest and best-run prisons in the world because Illinois politicians believe in taking care of their own. (Argus Hamilton)

      WikiLeaks continues to release thousands of classified documents, but some of the leaks are just gossip. Like the one saying Iranian President Ahmadinejad was once offered a 10 pm show on NBC. I guess they were just trying to ruin his reputation. (Jay Leno)

      The name "WikiLeaks" doesn't sound like espionage. It sounds like Barbara Walters interviewing Ricky Martin. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Hillary globe trots, apologizing for the embarrassing escapades revealed in WikiLeaks, especially the parts about Bill. (Scott Witt)

      WikiLeaks released more than 250,000 secret documents, some of which refer to computer passwords for world leaders. The most shocking revelation: Kofi Annan's password is "BieberFan9." (Conan O'Brien)

      WikiLeaks is the 250,000-page document dump, which like most post-Thanksgiving dumps, is fascinating to pick through. The site should not be confused with WookieLeaks, where a large furry creature pees on you. (Jon Stewart)

      I'm sure everyone is already missing their loved ones. And by loved ones, I mean the TSA guys that give you the pat-down. (Craig Ferguson)

      It's my 30th wedding anniversary. I had a big surprise set up for my wife, but she found out about it on WikiLeaks. (Jay Leno)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . TSA

      According to the TSA, most of the people protesting the new body search procedures are men. At last they're getting to see what it's like to be groped by someone who won't take no for an answer. (Jay Leno)

      Yesterday a woman wore a bikini to LAX airport hoping to avoid the patdown. She is still being patted down. (Conan O'Brien)

      With the recent controversy over more intrusive airport screenings by the Transportation Security Administration (a wholly owned subsidiary of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security), the TSA wants to adopt a new slogan so that it's more "in touch with Americans," a TSA spokesman said. "A warm, touchy feely concept to make our subjects -- uh, citizens -- more comfortable." (Jumbo Joke)

      Responding to the public's accusations of unnecessary groping by their employees, the TSA issued a warning to all male travelers to report any agent who asks you to turn your head and cough. (Bob Mills)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . SARAH PALIN

      Sarah’s real fans all quit halfway through each episode of 'Sarah Palin's Alaska'. (Stan Kegel)

      President Obama has set aside over 180 million acres of land for polar bears. When Sarah Palin heard about it, she said, "Todd, get my gun." (Conan O'Brien)

      In Sarah Palin's new book, she derides American Idol performers as people who can't sing, but delude themselves by trying to in front of a national audience. This from someone who can't think, but deludes herself by trying to in front of a national audience. (Paul Benoit)

      Sarah Palin is so upset at Barbara Bush's comments about her on The Larry King Live that she is demanding that Barbara's picture be removed from the dollar bill. (Gil Ross)

      Sarah Palin has a new book out. She touts her knowledge and understanding of the issues. She can see Wikipedia from her laptop. (Alan Ray)

      Playboy ran a poll saying sixty-five percent of Americans say they would rather see Sarah Palin in a bikini than Pamela Anderson. That is good news for Sarah. However, sixty-five percent of Americans said they would rather see Pamela Anderson as president. (Argus Hamilton)

      In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we must stand with our North Korean allies. When she was corrected she said, "Listen, geometry was never my strong suit." (Jay Leno)

      In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we have to stand with "our North Korean allies." When told that North Korea is not our ally, Palin said, "Sorry, I meant East Korean allies." (Conan O'Brien)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . MARIJUANA

      Willie Nelson was busted for possession of marijuana in Texas. That is big news, if it is 1971. (Jim Barach)

      Singer Willie Nelson was arrested after pot was found on-board his tour bus. Arresting Willie Nelson for smoking pot is like jailing Dolly Parton for using underwire support. (Jerry Perisho)

      In a major coup for the border patrol's war on drug smuggling on the Mexican border, authorities seized 6 ounces of marijuana and detained notorious pot-smoking "outlaw" Willie Nelson. Nelson was detained after a border patrol officer heroically boarded his tour bus after detecting a pungent scent in the air. They arrested Willie Nelson for weed? That's like arresting Santa for breaking and entering. (Scott Galindez)

      Willie Nelson got arrested again for marijuana possession, this time by the U. S. Border Patrol in Texas. And in other startling news, the Clippers have the NBA's worst record and there was a lot of local interest in the Alabama-Auburn game. (Dwight Perry)

      DEA agents uncovered a half-mile-long tunnel running from a Tijuana house to a San Diego warehouse last Friday. The tunnel had a railroad track and railcars loaded with tons of marijuana. The operation is a real-life replica of the train set in Willie Nelson's den. (Argus Hamilton)

      Anderson Cooper did a show this week from inside that half-mile long drug smuggling tunnel between San Diego and Mexico. It's quite an amazing tunnel. It has lighting, ventilation, a rail car, a Starbucks. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      DEA agents found a railed drug tunnel from Tijuana to San Diego Friday. It contained a rail car loaded with tons of marijuana. California just offered to allow Willie Nelson to work off his community service sentence by unloading the rail car when he plays San Diego. (Argus Hamilton)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, "It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim." (Conan O'Brien)

      President Obama got stitches after being cut in the lip during a pickup basketball game. Why doesn’t he like playing hoops with the GOP? They block everything he puts up. (Alan Ray)

      President Obama received 12 stitches in his lip after being elbowed in the mouth during a basketball game. Out of force of habit, he blamed George Bush. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama received 12 stitches in his lip after being elbowed in the mouth during a basketball game. Why is it when I think of someone who needs his mouth stitched, I think of Joe Biden. (Tim Hunter)

      Barack Obama required twelve stitches on his lip after being injured while playing pick-up basketball with friends. The Secret Service agent closest to him resigned in disgrace, charged with refusing to take an elbow for the president. (Bob Mills)

      President Obama needed 12 stitches after taking an elbow to the mouth during a basketball game, but he learned a valuable lesson: Don't get in the way of Hillary's tomahawk jab. (Craig Ferguson)

      President Obama was elbowed during a basketball game and had to receive 12 stitches. Obama said it was almost as embarrassing as the time he was dunked on by Barney Frank. (Conan O'Brien)

      On Obama's injury: "Looks like he invited someone over for a Lambeer." (Bill Littlejohn)

      IPresident Obama took an elbow to the face last week and had to get 12 stitches. He was in line at Best Buy trying to get a $49 Blu-ray player. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama's debt panel commission suggested painful reductions in federal spending Wednesday. No one was spared. They even cited the basketball player who elbowed President Obama in the mouth last Friday, saying the cuts didn't go far enough. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama announced that he's recommending a freeze on pay raises for federal employees. You have to admit it takes a lot of guts to cut the income of the guy who's about to remove your stitches. (Bob Mills)

      President Obama announced a two-year pay freeze for all federal employees. This means the next time the TSA agent is reaching into your pockets, he's looking for spare change. (Jay Leno)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .THE CONGRESS

      Nancy Pelosi says she will go back to flying commercial once she is no longer House Speaker. Apparently after fighting with House Republicans for the past four years, getting through TSA security scanners and patdowns will be an enjoyable experience. (Jim Barach)

      The government is considering raising the retirement age to 69. In other words, they want Brett Favre to play two more years. (Conan O'Brien)

      25% of incoming Republican House Members are millionaires. The other 75% will just have to wait until they leave Congress and become lobbyists. (Jim Barach)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .LOCAL NEWS

      For the fourth year in a row, New York's LaGuardia Airport was voted the nation's worst airport. It is so undermanned, passengers have to fondle themselves. (Jay Leno)

      San Francisco has outlawed sitting or lying on the sidewalk. Apparently police will have their hands full writing tickets during the next major earthquake. (Jim Barach)

      A 19-year-old Somali man was arrested in Portland for allegedly planning to detonate a bomb at a Christmas tree-lighting ceremony. His parents are devastated. He had such a promising career as a pirate. (Jay Leno)

      A Pleasant Hill, California bank robber brandished a revolver and demanded cash from a teller before fleeing on foot. According to witnesses, there was an accomplice waiting outside with a pair of getaway Adidas. (Bob Mills)

      The Beverly Hills police asked the public for any leads in the murder of Hollywood publicist Ronnie Chasen. It may be a religious problem. Most people here identify themselves as Jehovah's Bystanders--that's a Witness who doesn't want to get involved. (Argus Hamilton)

      A man was arrested on Black Friday at a Walmart in Palm Beach, Fla., carrying a gun, two knives, and a grenade. Residents of Palm Beach were stunned and said, "We have a Walmart here?" (Jay Leno)

      Police in Huntington Beach, California now post pictures of drivers convicted of DUI on Facebook. One of them now has 5002 friends -- all alcoholics, but still… (Bob Mills)

      Beverly Hills put up its Christmas lights Friday, luring shoppers from all over the world to Rodeo Drive. It's not a very religious atmosphere. The Nativity Scene in front of the Beverly Hills Courthouse shows six lawyers standing around Mel Gibson's love child. (Argus Hamilton)

      A thief broke into a house in Alaska and found $100,000 but only took $20,000. Police are searching for a man with simple dreams. (Conan O'Brien)

      Police in San Diego are looking for a 78-year-old bank robber they have nicknamed the 'Geezer Bandit.' Victims of the Geezer Bandit's last robbery say he threatened to tell them stories of his grandkids. (Craig Ferguson)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      Former President George W. Bush said he's a huge fan of his new iPad. Or as he called it, his "glowing magic window." (Conan O'Brien)

      Former President George W. Bush said he's a huge fan of his new iPad. He says he's able to look at all kinds of pictures without having to open a single book! (Tim Hunter)

      Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush. (Conan O'Brien)

      Decision Points by George W. Bush topped the best-seller list for the third week in a row Wednesday, moving the publishers to order a second printing. The numbers tell the story. Sarah Palin's book just came out and his book out-spelled her book three-to-one. (Argus Hamilton)

      On his book tour George W. Bush said, "I was a Blackberry person, and now I'm an iPad person, so I hope you buy my book in hardcover and electronically." So there you have it. George W. Bush doesn't care about Blackberries. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Bill Clinton is auctioning off a dinner with him and three of your friends for charity. When asked what the cause was, he said, "Cause Hillary's out of town." (Jimmy Fallon)

      John McCain has been criticizing President Obama as "inexperienced." But by McCain standards, Jamie Moyer and Brett Favre are inexperienced. (Janice Hough)

      Sen. John McCain said it's time for a regime change in North Korea. To which the Carrows waitress said, "Sir, if you don't order now, you're going to miss the early bird special." (Jay Leno)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      More than eight million people stopped using credit cards last year. Mostly the wealthiest Americans who have made so much money from tax cuts they just have to get rid of all the cash that is lying around the house. (Jim Barach)

      Federal workers have had their pay frozen for two years. The worst part is that the workers found out on WikiLeaks. (Jay Leno)

      Today is Cyber Monday, the big online shopping day. It will be followed by Identity Theft Tuesday. (Conan O'Brien)

      This week, we had the biggest Cyber Monday ever. This is partly because Cyber Monday was only invented two years ago. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Advertisers are scrambling because people with DVRs are skipping through commercials. Except on this show, where people can't wait for the commercials. (Craig Ferguson)

      Black Friday is getting crazier every year. On Thanksgiving Thursday, we give thanks for the truly meaningful things, and then on Friday, we go out and stab each other to save $6.99 on a Nintendo DS. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .BUSINESS & LABOR

      Starbucks is reportedly making plans to begin selling beer and wine at their coffee shops. Apparently, Starbucks is having trouble finding sober people willing to pay nine bucks for a cup of coffee. (Conan O'Brien)

      An experimental Merck drug could control cholesterol better than any predecessor. You can bet on Merck stock, I'm betting on McDonald's (Scott Witt)

      Time Warner Cable is testing a premium service which sets a specific time for the cable installer to arrive. The two times available are winter and spring. (Conan O'Brien)

      The Daily Telegraph says that in a new TV promo for Lavazza, an Italian coffee, Julia Roberts was paid a hefty sum to not say a word. Upon hearing this, TSN made a similar offer to Pierre McGuire. (RJ Currie)

      In Japan, a produce company is selling "Mozart Bananas." They're bananas that have grown in a room where Mozart is playing. They hope it goes over better than their "Sir MixaLot Yams." (Conan O'Brien)

      NewsCorp says it would consider selling MySpace. Yeah, and Ford wants to sell rights to the Edsel. (Scott Witt)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .TRANSPORTATION

      Long haul Department of Energy truckers with top-level security clearances were recently arrested for drinking while transporting nuclear warheads cross-country. They were charged with WMD-DUI. (Bob Mills)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .MEXICO

      Six in 10 Mexicans believe life is better in the United States. The other 4 out of the 10 already live here. (Jay Leno)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .GREAT BRITAIN

      The royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton will be filmed in 3-D, which is bad news for Prince Charles' ears. (Conan O'Brien)

      Prince Charles's wedding will be seen by 500 million people on TV. In deference to the state of dental care in Great Britain, onlookers outside the church will be encouraged to throw rice pudding. (Bob Mills)

      Buckingham Palace invited the public to the royal wedding, announcing a lottery of one hundred tickets Friday. They want the public involved. If anybody would like to buy the royal couple a wedding gift, they are registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond Your Means. (Argus Hamilton)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .EUROPE

      A snowball fight turned into a 500-person brawl in Germany. Out of habit, France immediately surrendered. (Conan O'Brien)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .SCIENCE

      NASA has discovered a new form of life that can thrive on arsenice. I can see it now, "Honestly, your honor, I wasn't trying to kill my husband, I thought he was an alien." (Janice Hough)

      Archeologists digging in Hunan Province unearthed a fossilized bowl of noodles believed to have been prepared in a Chinese restaurant 2500 years ago. Must be authentic -- a sign scratched on nearby wall says "No MSG (Bob Mills)

      A fruit grower in Japan discovered that bananas ripen faster when Mozart symphonies are played near them. They also tried the Rolling Stones, but the banana skins ended up with more wrinkles than Keith Richards. (Bob Mills)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .HEALTH

      The FDA has banned all ingredients in artificial marijuana, warning users that the substances can cause nausea, dizziness, death and worse, an insatiable desire to wear polyester. (Bob Mills)

      A Harvard University doctor has shown that aging can be reversed in mice. Mickey is excited, but Minnie was counting on the insurance money. (Jerry Perisho)

      It's now a violation of federal law for hospitals to limit a patient's visitors to "immediate family." Why? The only stranger a hospital patient has ever welcomed is the pizza delivery guy. (Bob Mills)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .SPORTS

      A Broncos staffer secretly videotaped the 49ers' woeful offense. Seriously? It's like hatching an elaborate plot to rob the dollar store. (Mark Kreidler)

      The most embarrassing part about a Broncos staffer illegally videotaping a 49ers walk-through: "You really needed to?" (Alan Ray)

      The Denver Broncos were fined after a staffer secretly filmed the 49ers' offense in practice. Spying on the Niners? Isn't that like peeking through the keyhole in Betty White's hotel room? (RJ Currie)

      On Miami's 8-7 start in the NBA: "Teams are going to start scheduling the Heat for homecoming." (Charles Barkley)

      The Los Angeles Lakers lost their fourth game in a row Wednesday night. Who do they think they are? The Miami Heat? (Janice Hough)

      A morning skate at HP Pavilion in San Jose prior to playing Detroit was plunged into darkness when the electricity went out. This came as a surprise to locals as the Sharks usually don't have a power failure until the playoffs. (RJ Currie)

      An important weekend in college football. The additional revenue generated from a bowl appearance is a real boon for a university. It means they can afford to buy even better players. (Alan Ray)

      Three reasons why the Ontario Teachers might be especially keen to sell their share of the Toronto Maple Leafs: 3. The team repeatedly can't pass the test; 2. Too many high-priced hooky players; 1. Leafs management don't learn their lessons. (RJ Currie)

      Some Northern California media types expected the Oakland Raiders to "make a statement" against the Miami Dolphins Sunday. Actually, the Raiders did make a statement – Unfortunately it was – "We still basically suck." (Janice Hough)

      Monday Night Football's Jon Gruden was offered the Miami Hurricanes coaching job Monday. He has the resume. Coaching at Miami is no more than a lateral transfer for anyone who has either coached the Oakland Raiders or directed the prison team in The Longest Yard. (Argus Hamilton)

      The college bowl picture begins to form. Why do Auburn Tiger coaches fear a game going into overtime? Cam Newton’s dad will want to be paid time and a half. (Alan Ray)

      Who could have known that the Spurs' best move would be to waive Eva Longoria? (James McCoy)

      Here's what five current films would be about if they were sports movies: 5. Faster - Usain Bolt; 4. Megamind - Bill Belichek; 3. Unstoppable - Clara Hughes; 2. Due Date - Travis Henry; 1. Despicable Me - LeBron James (RJ Currie)

      Texas Christian University, which is in Fort Worth, just accepted an invitation to join the Big East. Looks like the folks in Texas take geography as seriously as they take history and science. (Janice Hough)

      The Russian Curling Federation abruptly ended a deal with Jason Gunnlaugson and his Manitoba teammates to live in and curl for Russia through to the 2014 Olympics. Sources close to the three curlers say things fell through when a) they refused to give up their Canadian citizenship, and b) they refused to give up Slurpees. (RJ Currie)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .ATHLETES

      Sports Illustrated has named Saints quarterback Drew Brees as its 2010 Sportsman of the Year. Not to be confused with Tiger Woods, Player of the Year. (Dwight Perry)

      It wasn't surprising that Brett Favre passed last week’s game ball to new coach Leslie Frazier. What was surprising is it didn't get intercepted. (RJ Currie)

      The NCAA's rationale for reinstating Cam Newton is that there isn't enough evidence that he knew he was being "shopped." Yet ESPN reported two recruiters said he told them his dad chose Auburn because "the money was too much." Even the O. J. jurors are saying "This guy got away with murder." (Janice Hough)

      Tiger Woods observed the anniversary of his Thanksgiving Day marriage crack-up Thursday by promoting his L. A. golf tournament this week. It's a charity event. All proceeds from the tournament will go to support the Boys Will Be Boys Club of America. (Argus Hamilton)

      Tiger Woods writes in a Newsweek article that he'll remake his image and turn his life around. That's the good news. The bad news is he texted the entire article from the Grotto of Eros at the Playboy Mansion. (Bob Mills)

      Chiefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe had a monster game against the Seahawks, catching 13 passes for 170 yards and three touchdowns. After blowing in from Kansas like that, his theme song is Somewhere Over the Dwayne Bowe. (RJ Currie)

      Buffalo Bills receiver Steve Johnson blamed God for his dropping a pass that would have beaten Pittsburgh Sunday. It's more bad news for the Democrats. Not only did they lose the House but now it looks like Rush Limbaugh has talked God into being a Steelers fan. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Orlando Magic is reportedly talking about trading for Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas. Apparently Arenas is interested as he likes the team's management, the playoff potential and Florida's liberal firearms laws. (Jim Barach)

      Randy Moss' three NFL teams this season are a combined 4-7 with him -- and 14-8 without him. From the Patriots to the Vikings to the Titans, Moss suddenly possesses some kind of reverse Midas Touch. (Don Banks)

      Rumor has it Braylon Edwards was in the crowd for LeBron's return to Cleveland. Apparently Edwards misunderstood when he heard there would be lots of boos. (RJ Currie)

      Atlanta quarterback Matt Ryan has asked Sarah Marshall - his girlfriend of seven years - to marry him. Word is Sarah's initial response was, "It's about Falcon time." (RJ Currie)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .ENTERTAINMENT

      An actor playing a dying Sigmund Freud in a stage production collapsed during a performance. Doctors aren't sure if he became ill or just had a Freudian slip. (Jim Barach)

      Following Hollywood's insistence on remaking classics, Warner Brothers has announced it will take a crack at 'The Wizard of Oz." PETA has already appealed to them to rename the Cowardly Lion the "Courage Challenged Lion." (Bob Mills)

      Warner Brothers announced that it wants to remake 'The Wizard of Oz.' This version is going to be totally updated for 2010. For instance, each of the flying monkeys has to be patted down and go through a body scanner before they can take off. (Jimmy Fallon)

      They say there are more than 300 sextillion stars in the universe. And yet they still couldn't find one to be on "Skating With the Stars." (Jay Leno)

      I was nominated for a Grammy in the Spoken Word category for an audio book of my autobiography. It's the same category that Al Gore won a few years ago. Unfortunately, his spoken words were "I invented the Internet." My Grammy nomination brings me one step closer to my lifetime goal of losing every major award in Hollywood. (Craig Ferguson)

      At the Grammy nominations, there was a live satellite hook-up with Justin Bieber. Little girls were screaming so much that they shattered something very valuable -- Cher's face. (Craig Ferguson)

      The New York Post called the Broadway show based on "Spider-Man" a flop. I think the musical flopped because it's a musical about "Spider-Man." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Northern Kentucky has been chosen as the site for a theme park based on Noah's Ark. Tickets for the attraction will only be sold in pairs. (Jim Barach)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .ENTERTAINERS

      Capping their performance at the Super Bowl in February, the Black Eyed peas have been signed to team with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Meat Loaf and Lady Gaga on a new album to be called "Buffet Table." (Bob Mills)

      Justin Bieber was nominated for Best New Artist. It's nice to see Justin Bieber finally getting some recognition. That's got to make the other nominees feel great. It's like finding out you were nominated for Best Actress and then finding out Snooki was nominated too. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Happy birthday to Woody Allen, who's 75 today. It's not easy to find a card that says, "Happy birthday, dad/husband." (Craig Ferguson)

      Yahoo! News named Christina Hendricks of Mad Men one of the stars who stood out most. Well, duh! (RJ Currie)

      Wesley Snipes, doing time in the federal pen for tax evasion, already has a pen-pal. Martha Stewart is giving him tips on easy-to-make holiday cell block decorations. (Bob Mills)

      Rush Limbaugh on the radio yesterday told President Obama, 'Keep your hands off my tea bag.' Don't worry, Rush, even special ops couldn't find your tea bag. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Actor Wesley Snipes has been sentenced to three years in federal prison for tax evasion. On a brighter note, he's already been cast for the lead in Leavenworth's inmate production of "The Taxman Cometh." (Bob Mills)

      Paris Hilton was photographed painting over graffiti in Hollywood Wednesday as she began her community service for a drug conviction. Imagine her humiliation. Half the taggers had painted her phone number on the walls with a San Fernando Valley area code. (Argus Hamilton)

      Actor Mark Ruffalo has been placed on a terrorist watch list after organizing screenings for a documentary about natural gas drilling. He's the first actor put on a watch list since the airlines singled out Ralph Fiennes for keeping flight attendants too busy to do their job. (Jim Barach)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .THE INTERNET AND BLOGS

      A college student in Florida googled his own name and found he was mistakenly wanted for murder. It was so shocking it almost made him forget about the naked, drunk photos of him that were posted on Facebook. (Jim Barach)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Bristol Palin was finally knocked off "Dancing with the Stars." Bristol knocked off "Dancing with the Stars." We're just happy Bristol wasn't knocked-up on "Dancing with the Stars." (Jerry Perisho)

      Bristol Palin lost to Jennifer Grey in the finale of 'Dancing with the Stars'. The good news is, when a Palin loses they tend to just quietly disappear. (Conan O'Brien)

      An ESPN sportscaster called 83-year-old Joe Paterno the Brett Favre of coaching. In a related story, Jenn Sterger has destroyed her cell phone. (RJ Currie)

      Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg will appear on "60 Minutes." This means he'll be interviewed by the only people that are not yet on Facebook. (Conan O'Brien)

      A former Miss Universe from Venezuela was ridiculed after posting a statement on Twitter confusing Korea with China. In the U. S. that would qualify her to run for Vice President. (Jim Barach)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .EDUCATION

      Due to massive budget cuts, some California schools are eliminating gym class. But the kids can still work out at home. Toshiba now makes a TV remote that allows parents to increase the tension on the buttons. (Bob Mills)

      A California court has ruled that parents can sue if their kids' schools cut back on gym classes. But if they cut back on math and science classes, we just have to keep buying all their technology from China and India. (Jake Novak)

      The new York City School Board has authorized a Manhattan high school to maintain a drug clinic on campus. And all this time, we thought those kids on "Glee" were getting high on music. (Bob Mills)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .RELIGION

      Pope Benedict issued a ruling permitting the use of condoms Friday. It's highly conditional. He said condoms may be used only on two occasions, by male prostitutes to prevent the spread of AIDS, and by Protestants to prevent the spread of golf. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Pope said in an interview recently that the use of condoms is acceptable under certain circumstances. For instance, if you're dating someone from the cast of 'Jersey Shore.' (Jay Leno)

      Pope Benedict wrote Saturday that condom use was justified in cases where male prostitutes use them with clients to prevent the spread of AIDS. It was an edgy opinion for a pope. Three monks suffered nervous breakdowns trying to translate the edict into Latin. (Argus Hamilton)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .HOLIDAYS

      A special thanks to our audience tonight. You must really hate your relatives to come down here on Thanksgiving Day. The original Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims lasted three days. That was before we learned we could eat three days worth of food in one day. (Jay Leno)

      Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I have a lot to be thankful for: I have a new studio, a new show, I never have to watch Bristol Palin dance again. (Conan O'Brien)

      Hanukkah begins at sundown; it is the Festival of Lights where oil burns for 8 straight days. It's kind of like you're trying to clean up a spill on the Gulf of Mexico. (Jerry Perisho)

      It's the first night of celebrating — and misspelling — Hanukkah. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      It's the second night of Hanukkah. Because we're at TBS, we'll just rerun the first night. (Conan O'Brien)

      Hanukkah is the festival of lights, or as Mel Gibson calls it, "Wednesday." (Craig Ferguson)

      The miracle of Hanukkah is that there was only enough oil to keep the menorah lit for one night and it lasted for eight nights. As far as religious miracles go, it's not exactly the resurrection of the Easter bunny, but it's fun for the kids. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Gov. Schwarzenegger attended a menorah-lighting ceremony. He said he always looks forward to Hanukkah. At least I think that's what he said. He might have said "I like to play the harmonica." (Jay Leno)

      The Christmas season begins. Folklore has it that Santa delivers packages with 8 tiny reindeer. Over the years, this has proven more reliable than shipping UPS. (Alan Ray)

      The annual "Christmas Village" in Philadelphia has been renamed the "Holiday Village." In fact, they're not Santa's reindeer anymore. They're now "nondenominational venison." (Jay Leno)

      Tis the season to be jolly. Why is Santa shouting “ho, ho, ho” at the mall? Because he’s the only one not looking for parking. (Alan Ray)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      According to health officials, teenagers have started smoking nutmeg to get high. Is this recession bad or what? (Conan O'Brien)

      Dr. Ruth Westheimer urged single people to experience intimate contact during the holidays for their emotional well-being. All you have to do is buy an airline ticket and walk through security. Buy a ticket on Southwest and it's cheaper than a hooker or a gigolo. (Argus Hamilton)

      John Wayne's wig was up for auction. He wore wigs in all of his movies after 1948, but made up for it with his cool walk. I admire John Wayne as an actor, but I'm not interested in buying stuff that belonged to him. I prefer collecting personal items from celebrities that are still alive — which is stealing. (Craig Ferguson)

      Last month, Darth Vader's suit went up for auction and it didn't sell. They should try putting John Wayne's wig on it. (Craig Ferguson)

      A Picasso collection of 271 works has shown up in the garage of a French electrician who worked for the artist. Picasso's family says the artwork was stolen. To which the electrician has told Picasso's heirs not to get their noses out of joint. (Jim Barach)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .GAMES & LIFE STYLE

      Microsoft has already sold 2.5 million Kinect units. The hottest game is the one where amateurs can pretend they're big time football players. It's called Carolina Panthers 2010. (Alan Ray)

      There's a Nerf automatic dart gun that fires 60 darts in 20 seconds. Our kids are so fat now that it takes 60 darts to take them down. (Jay Leno)


      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .OTHER

      Tony Parker's attorney quit in the middle of his divorce from Eva Longoria. Gosh, I didn't even know the guy was Alaskan. (Jerry Perisho)

      Three teenage boys from an island off the coast of New Zealand were adrift in a rowboat for six weeks, surviving on nothing but one raw fish, a seagull and rainwater. Out of habit, Carnival Cruise Lines sent them a check for $5000 and an apology. (Bob Mills)


      . . . . . Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
    Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.