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Weakly Humerus News 11-27-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-27-10 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 27, 2010
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      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-27-10
      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Have you heard the TSA's new slogan? "We handle more junk than eBay" (Jay Leno)

      AP headline: Feds Holding Firm On Intrusive Airport Security. Yeah, that's the problem. Holding firm. (Scott Witt)

      I wonder what would happen if you got in a TSA line at the airport and asked for "a happy ending"? (Tim Hunter)

      Tiger Woods... Ben Roethlisberger... Brett Favre... LeBron James... President Obama certainly has his pick of turkeys to pardon this year. (Dwight Perry)

      James Carville told a crowd Friday if Hillary Clinton gave President Obama one of her testicles they'd each have one. (Argus Hamilton)

      Ratings for the second episode of Palin's TV show have gone way down, falling 40 percent. So I guess she and President Obama do have something in common after all. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Sarah Palin thinks Michelle Obama should drop the anti-obesity campaign and stay out of other people's personal business. I'm waiting for her to tell Bristol she needs to drop the abstinence campaign and to stay out of other people's sex lives. (Janice Hough)

      Interim Vikings coach Leslie Frazier said Favre will be his starting quarterback because Brett's been a leader on their team. Maybe Frazier thinks Favre is like a General, one who likes taking pictures of his privates. (RJ Currie)

      Stevie Johnson of the Bills was dinged $5000 by the NFL for celebrating a touchdown by pulling up his jersey to reveal a message on his T-shirt. I'm thinking the fine was a little over the top. (RJ Currie)

      In sad news, NBA star Tony Parker is splitting up with his wife, Eva Longoria. They announced it on ESPN on an hour long show called The Division. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Barbara Bush said in an interview that Sarah Palin seemed "very happy in Alaska," and she "hoped she'd stay there." Shame Barbara didn't tell her son that he "seemed very happy in Texas." (Janice Hough)

      Some of these airport pat downs are so thorough they say you only need one every 5 years. You can get the regular pat down, but if you want to upgrade you can get what they call the Full Spitzer. (David Letterman)

      Ohio State president E. Gordon Gee suggested that football teams like TCU and Boise State don't deserve a national title because they play against the 'Little Sisters of the Poor.' When it comes to respect, it seems the Pac-10 gets nun. (RJ Currie)

      Jersey Shore's the Situation and Bristol Palin filmed a PSA on abstinence and birth control. Next up, a PSA on the virtues of discipline and clean living with Charlie Sheen and Paris Hilton. (Alex Kaseberg)

      President Obama said GM's comeback would be the success story of this recession. GM said it wanted to thank those who made its recovery possible: Toyota's brakes, Toyota's steering and Toyota's accelerator. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The NCAA is considering an investigation of Army football. Allegedly, recruits meet with a member of Congress, and they're guaranteed a job after graduation. ESPN also quotes sources as claiming that the entire team is involved with weapons. (Author Unknown)

      Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal says that Congress should work part time. Part time? If they had any more time off they would qualify for unemployment benefits. (Jim Barach)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .THE TSA

      You know, if I wanted somebody halfheartedly patting my groin without eye contact, I'd get married. (Seth Meyers)

      Ben Roethlisberger has volunteered to be a TSA screener. (Sport's Pickle)

      "The TSA, it's our business to touch yours." ("Saturday Night Live" skit)

      What a bunch of weenies! Boarding an airliner is no more degrading, humiliating, and intrusive than, say, being processed into a state penitentiary. (Author Unknown)

      What's the fine if a TSA pat-down probe gets you hard? There's no fine; you are handed a TSA employment application. (Author Unknown)

      At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what's the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down. (Jay Leno)

      The TSA was overwhelmed by complaints Friday from passengers who were fondled by airport screeners. Misunderstanding is rampant. Every time Al Gore asks the TSA for a happy ending while they are patting him down, they assure him his flight will land safely. (Argus Hamilton)

      A woman at Orlando International Airport says she was singled out for a search by TSA agents because she has large breasts. Now she knows how a turkey feels at Thanksgiving. (Jim Barach)

      TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish. (David Letterman)

      The TSA is now promising that airport security pat-downs will be less invasive than they have been, but still more invasive than a prostate exam. (Jake Novak)

      When asked about the new TSA body search, Hillary Clinton said she herself wouldn't like to go through an airport pat down. Bill Clinton added, "I think we all know where Hillary stands on being touched." (Conan O'Brien)

      TSA agrees with Marie Antionette's "Let them eat cake." You peasants don't like personal searches? No problem. Travel by private jet. (Scott Witt)

      They came first for the Muslim's junk, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Muslim. Then they came for the black's junk, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't black. Then they came for the women's junk, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a woman. Then they came for my junk, and I kicked up a huge fuss and demanded that they cut it out because it was infringing upon my freedom and goddammit you should listen to me because I'm a white dude and I and I alone have domain over my junk! (Rosa Larian)

      The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers before Thanksgiving weekend. They say not to bring food, sharp tools, or any shred of dignity. (Jimmy Fallon)

      One of those airport naked scan images ended up on the internet. And you know who it was? Brett Favre. What are the odds? (Jay Leno)

      Thousands of Americans are planning to boycott and demonstrate at airports tomorrow to protest the invasive body searches. Meanwhile millions of lonely Americans are planning to protest for the right to get patted down with or without a plane ticket. (Jake Novak)

      After Muslim terrorist Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab of Nigeria tried to detonate explosive material in his underwear over Detroit last Christmas, the government began requiring nude body scans at airports. The machines, which cannot detect chemicals or plastic, would not have caught the diaper bomber. So, no hijackers were stopped, but being able to see passengers in the nude boosted the morale of airport security personnel by 22 percent. (Author Unknown)

      The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I'd be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer. (Jay Leno)

      A TSA worker gave me a pat-down and found another TSA worker's hand. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Ask yourself before becoming a TSA agent: "In five years, whose pants do I see my hands in?" (David Letterman)

      The TSA may have hired illegal aliens as screeners in Orlando after advertising for workers on pizza boxes. That explains the complaints from big-breasted women. The only training they have had is as fruit pickers so all they know how to do is squeeze melons. (Argus Hamilton)

      As much as many travelers now think TSA should be privatized, let's at least hope they don't put the airlines in charge. Not only would the pat-down situation not improve, but the carriers would almost certainly add an additional "massage charge." (Janice Hough)

      A report says that the radiation risk from flying itself is more severe than going through an airport body scanner. The radiation danger on planes comes from other passengers going nuclear when being charged $45 for each piece of luggage. (Jim Barach)

      A couple travelers have decided to protest the new TSA rules by simply wearing Speedos to the airport. Let's hope this doesn't catch on. But if it does, I think I can speak for all Americans when I say, it's a good thing John Madden only travels by bus. (Janice Hough)

      Richard Simmons is complaining about those TSA searches at the airport. He's mad because they'll only let him go through one time! (Tim Hunter)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .BOOKS BY PALIN & BUSH

      Palin's book just came out. It has just over 300 pages and just under 900 made-up words. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Sarah Palin's publisher is suing Gawker for leaking pages of her upcoming book. Apparently Palin is particularly upset because people are asking her questions about the book and her staff hasn't told her yet what she was supposed to have written. (Janice Hough)

      Sarah Palin must be glad that 'Dancing With the Stars' is over. It was a major distraction. She was only able to release three books this month. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      In her new book, Sarah Palin says she once gave up chocolate for an entire year just to prove she could do it. Still think she's not qualified to be President? (Jimmy Fallon)

      Sarah Palin has another new book. As long as somebody else is writing them for you, you can turn them out just like that. That's right, Palin has a brand new book. And you thought Thanksgiving dinner makes you drowsy. (David Letterman)

      Palin's book 'America by Heart' came out today, just in time for awkward holiday gift exchanges. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Sarah Palin's new book can be found right next to George W. Bush's new book in the "Apparently Anyone Can Write One of These" section. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Former President George W. Bush has published his memoirs, called 'Decision Points.' Bush was asked if he used a ghost writer and he said, "Nah, I stopped believing in those after I turned 12." (Jay Leno)

      No decision yet on who should narrate the audio version of George Bush's new book. He wants to finish reading it to see if he's up to it. (Scott Witt)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama has a tough decision to make this week. Which turkey does he pardon — the thanksgiving one or Charlie Rangel? (Jay Leno)

      Michelle Obama is expected to announce a plan to put 5,000 salad bars in public schools. They expect as many as three students to use them. (Jay Leno)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .ADMINISTRATION

      Happy birthday to Vice President Joe Biden. President Obama got him a gag gift. Not a funny gift, an actual gag. (Jay Leno)

      Vice President Joe Biden turned 68 years old. President Obama was so excited. He asked Biden to attend the party for him. (David Letterman)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .THE CONGRESS

      Nancy Pelosi says she will go back to flying commercial once she is no longer House Speaker. Apparently after fighting with House Republicans for the past four years, getting through TSA security scanners and patdowns will be an enjoyable experience. (Jim Barach)

      Patrick Kennedy retired from Congress on Friday leaving no Kennedys in the U. S. government for the first time in sixty-four years. This explains everything. The TSA isn't groping women for security reasons, they're just trying to carry on the Kennedy legacy. (Argus Hamilton)

      The House of Representatives may ban honorific resolutions which take time and effort to make a statement but are otherwise meaningless. Like the federal budget. (Jim Barach)

      Tom Delay was convicted today of money laundering. So the former Speaker of the House may not have won "Dancing with the Stars, but the jury decided that he was definitely "Dancing with the Truth." (Janice Hough)

      Tom DeLay was convicted of money laundering and conspiracy Wednesday. He's now two-thirds of the way through his apprenticeship. Tom is just a voter fraud conviction away from being the first Texan ever eligible to run for mayor of Chicago. (Argus Hamilton)

      Rangel said all along he was innocent, that he would walk. And on Monday he did. When the panel wouldn't grant his motion, he walked -- out. (Scott Witt)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .THE MILITARY

      The Defense Department says they will release their "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" report early as some moderate senators say they want time to read the report before voting. This is news indeed. Senators actually sometimes read bills before they vote? (Janice Hough)

      The USS George Washington headed for the Sea of Japan Wednesday. The president called the Korean peninsula the world's most sensitive area. It is the policy of the U. S. government to pat down any sensitive areas if they refuse to be photographed naked. (Argus Hamilton)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .THE STATES

      Health activists are trying to attract dentists to rural Kansas where there is a shortage. A dentist in Kansas is pretty much the equivalent of the Maytag repairman. (Jim Barach)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .LOCAL NEWS

      Cops in San Diego have an APB out for a 78-year old bank robber they nicknamed the "Geezer Bandit." He was positively identified through surveillance cameras and demand notes scrawled on the backs of bingo cards. (Bob Mills)

      An otter, absolutely unprovoked, attacked two people and a dog in Boca Raton, Florida, this week. Animal control experts believe the otter had contact with a rabid raccoon. Political analysts think the same thing happened to Kim Jong Il. (Frank King)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      One of John McCain's former top campaign aides says that when he talked to Sarah Palin after McCain picked her to be his running mate, she said it was "God's plan." So, apparently, God wanted Obama to win. (Jay Leno)

      Gov. Palin would defeat President Barack Obama if she ran in 2012, according to a poll published in Mayan Prophecy Weekly. (Andy Borowitz)

      Obviously, we've got to stand with our North Korean allies. (Sarah Palin, on how she would handle the current hostilities between the two Koreas, radio interview with Glenn Beck, Nov. 24, 2010)

      Sarah Palin must be glad that "Dancing With the Stars" is over. It was a major distraction. She was only able to release three books this month. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Sarah Palin is actually trying to stump for Christine O'Donnell to be a contestant on the next "Dancing with the Stars." Suppose it could draw ratings. But the shows are worried that if O'Donnell were booted off, she'd turn the remaining contestants into toads. (Janice Hough)

      Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence. (Craig Ferguson)

      It was funny when TLC showed Sarah Palin and her family preparing to go out and enjoy the Alaskan wilderness on their new 'hit' show, "Sarah Palin's Alaska." They're shown packing dried meats, canned goods, bottled water, powdered milk and powdered eggs, a week's supply of toilet paper, all the while sighing, "Nature, doncha just love it?" (Paul Benoit)

      On Fox News, Sarah Palin said, "I want to clean up the state, that is so sorry today, of journalism and I have a communications degree.' After that sentence, they might take it back. (Jay Leno)

      Sarah Palin told Fox News "I want to clean up the state, that is so sorry today, of journalism and I have a communications degree." Please -- working summers stringing telephone cable for Exxon hardly qualifies as a communications degree. (Bob Mills)

      Gov. Palin lashed out at those who criticized her use of the word "refudiate," calling them "incohecent." (Andy Borowitz)

      Donald Trump says he may take on Sarah Palin for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination. All we need now is a dozen clowns packed into a tiny car and we're ready for the next election! (Tim Hunter)

      Donald Trump said Thursday he may run for president as a Republican in two years. He's very much a man of his times. There are seventy million Baby Boomers and Donald Trump is the only one who still wears a Davy Crockett coonskin cap on his head every day. (Argus Hamilton)

      When asked by a reporter if he'd ever consider a presidential run, Donald Trump admitted that he hasn't ruled it out in 2012. Political pundits will be watching closely to see if he really intends to toss his hair in the ring. (Bob Mills)

      At the dedication of his Presidential Library, George W. Bush said it's long been his dream to build a building for teenagers to drink behind. (Seth Meyers)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      Bernanke defends pumping $600 billion into the economy. Hey, maybe he's right. It’s only paper. Not like the dollar is still worth anything. (Scott Witt)

      A group of economists unveiled a new plan to reduce the deficit by $6 trillion in the next 10 years. The first step of the plan is to look at all our spending over the past five years, determine what's unnecessary, and then ask China for $6 trillion. (Jimmy Fallon)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .BUSINESS & LABOR

      One of Apple's first computers has sold for more than $200,000. Curiously enough, that's about the average that the first Windows users spent on tech support. (Janice Hough)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .TRANSPORTATION

      Delta Air Lines is saying that in "rare" cases they will consider refunds for passengers who don't want to go through the enhanced TSA patdowns this Thanksgiving. Translation, those "rare cases" are probably when there are people on the waitlist willing to pay a lot more than you did on their ticket. (Janice Hough)

      In yet another public relations setback for the beleaguered cruise ship company, Somali pirates today said they would no longer board Carnival Cruise ships, citing "unsafe working conditions." (Andy Borowitz)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      Ricky New, charged with robbing the Kent's Corner convenience store, made his escape aboard a Craftsman riding lawn mower. And he might have gotten away with it, witnesses said, if he hadn't tried to cut through somebody's yard. (Dwight Perry)

      A Missouri man called police after being ripped off by a couple of hookers who took his money without completing their end of the bargain. The embarrassing part for him was that when the hookers described what he looked like naked they were only charged with petty larceny. (Jim Barach)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .TERRORISM & SECURITY

      Hillary Clinton says she favors the death penalty for terrorists, but only if those terrorists are found guilty of mass murder, conspiracy to mass murder, or having sex with their interns. (Jake Novak)

      The U. S. is planning to drop its color coded alert system in favor of detailed threat advisories. The system has been on "orange" since 2006. The only thing that has been a tint of orange longer than that is John Boehner. (Jim Barach)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .CANADA

      A Canadian official misspoke when asking people for “more sex stories”, instead of “more success stories”. He’s not that far off since most success stories in business involve screwing someone.(Jerry Perisho)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .GREAT BRITAIN

      Following the example of Queen Elizabeth I and the Queen Mother, Prince William and Kate Middleton will marry on April 29 at Westminster Abbey in London. Plans for a honeymoon in South Korea are being reconsidered. (Bob Mills)

      The royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton will be filmed in 3-D, which is bad news for Prince Charles' ears. (Conan O'Brien)

      Queen Elizabeth I promised to pay for her son's wedding but will pass on the record security tab to the taxpayers. Can't really blame her. Her attitude is "You made Amy Winehouse famous, now you pay to keep her out." (Bob Mills)

      Not all Brits agree with the push to bypass Prince Charles and have William become the next monarch. Says the Queen: "Over my dead body." (Scott Witt)

      Brits are upset that Queen Elizabeth won't accept "friends" on her new Facebook page, but Sir Elton says she's not the only queen out there (Scott Witt)

      To decrease their attractiveness to children, health officials in the UK have proposed removing labels from tobacco products in favor of a plain, brown packet. Apparently, they've forgotten how their 1944 ban on toothpaste labels worked out. (Bob Mills)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .EUROPE

      Desperate to find measures to avoid bankruptcy, Irish officials for the first time are charging tourists to kiss the Blarney Stone -- and if they pay cash, they're also allowed to grope it. (Bob Mills)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .THE FAR EAST

      North Korea attacked South Korea by brazenly firing mortars into their country. Apparently what happened was, Kim Jong Il got angry over the fact that Bristol Palin made it to the finals of 'Dancing With the Stars.' (Jay Leno)

      Analysts say the North Korean attack on South Korea was nothing more than a cry for attention. So it's official, North Korea is Asia's Charlie Sheen. All of this instead of Kim Jong-il simply driving a red sports car with a hot, young blond. (Jerry Perisho)

      It's a harsh indictment of our media as we lurch toward possible nuclear war on the Korean peninsula, we're all talking about "Dancing With the Stars." Isn't it time journalists start asking the hard questions like "What does Kim Jong Il think of 'Dancing With the Stars'?" (Craig Ferguson)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .SCIENCE

      Swiss scientists say they have produced antimatter, which could explain some of the mysteries of the universe, such as how Bristol Palin is still on 'Dancing with the Stars'. She gets more votes than anyone else. John McCain picked the wrong Palin. (Jay Leno)

      "A new study says that radiation from Wi-Fi is hurting trees. Environmentalists are calling it the worst assault on trees since George W. Bush and Sarah Palin became authors. (Jimmy Fallon)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .HEALTH

      A study reveals teenagers with ADHD are more likely to get in automobile accidents. This study was brought to you by the people who make painfully obvious and stupid studies. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The FDA is about to ban alcohol beverages containing caffeine. Great, so you can go to San Francisco and get a legal medical marijuana prescription, but you may have to start going to a speakeasy to get an Irish Coffee. (Janice Hough)

      The FDA has banned alcoholic energy drinks. Thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, Charlie Sheen. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A report says that diabetes is a "ticking time bomb" for the U. S. Which means anyone wearing an insulin pump can be sure to be pulled off for the full Monty in airport security lines. (Jim Barach)

      Rocket scientists, long considered the gold standard in intelligence among all professionals, are not nearly as smart as originally thought, according to a controversial new study published today by the American Association of Brain Surgeons. "It does require a superior intellect to function as a rocket scientist," the article concedes. "Having said that, though, rocket science is not brain surgery." (Andy Borowitz)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .SPORTS

      If Major League Baseball was run like the BCS system the Yankees and Cubs would automatically make the playoffs every year. (Janice Hough)

      Canadian crooner Michael Buble, co-owner of the Vancouver Giants hockey team, made headlines this week by saying he and his fiancee - Argentine actress and model Luisana Lopilato - will wed twice. One ceremony will be in her native land, the second in Vancouver. Is it just me, or does this sound like much I-do about nothing? (RJ Currie)

      The Yankees and Derek Jeter are $50 million apart in talks to bring him back next season. Ironically, so are Auburn and Cam Newton. (Brad Dickson)

      The Yankees and Derek Jeter are reportedly $50 million apart in contract talks. If you think that's bad, Derek, wait till you and Minka start discussing wedding rings. (Chad Picasner)

      A Mississippi high school basketball coach, who was suspended for allegedly whipping players' behinds as discipline, says he did it to help them. Right. He also refers to his team as strapping young men. (RJ Currie)

      We like NBA rookies as people, it's just that they're inexperienced, and have no purpose on earth. (Phil Jackson)

      The Cavaliers are threatening to confiscate any anti-LeBron James apparel during the Heat's Dec. 2 visit. Barring a warming trend, there are going to be a lot of mighty chilly fans on hand for that one. (Budd Bailey)

      The top five inspirational Beatles football songs:
      . . . . .5. To O-linemen - Here Comes the Run;
      . . . . .4. To the front seven - Get Sacks;
      . . . . .3. To field goal kickers - Please Split the Posts, Man;
      . . . . .2. To quarterbacks - I Should Have Thrown Better;
      . . . . .1. To short-yardage teams - With A Little Help from Tight Ends. (RJ Currie)

      Two hundred buffed and ready seniors recently competed in L. A.'s 20th Annual Senior Olympics. Events included the "50 Meter Cane Relay," the "Cross-Country Catheter Carry" and the "100 meter Hop, Skip and Wheeze." (Bob Mills)

      Some NFL fans have been urging the league to drop the Detroit Lions, who haven't had a winning season in ten years, from hosting a traditional Thanksgiving day game. On the other hand, keeping the tradition alive does guarantee that all Americans can at least see a holiday turkey. (Janice Hough)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .ATHLETES

      On Spur Tony Parker's split from wife Eva Longoria: "Parker now on the rebound." (Denver Post Headline)

      Tiger Woods is planning a comeback with some new TV commercials for 2011. he will just be marketing himself differently. He will be looking for deals with Las Vegas resorts, Ambien and as a safety spokesman for SUVs. (Jim Barach)

      Among major sporting enterprises who have gone winless for an entire year: football's 2008 Lions and — barring a startling about-face in L. A. next week — golf's 2010 Tiger. (Dwight Perry)

      Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck took off from the pocket for a 63-yard run against Cal. This is one case where it was good to have your Luck run out. (RJ Currie)

      Rafael Nadal was given a new $525,000 watch by Richard Mille to replace one that was stolen. Oh well, there's no present like the time. (RJ Currie)

      Defending champion Serena Williams has withdrawn from the Australian Open, citing her lingering foot injury. In other words, she's still hurting down under. (Author Unknown)

      First, Mike Tyson announced he's gone vegan, and now he's talking about opening a restaurant in New York. And for an extra $10, he'll even threaten to eat your children's vegetables. (Dwight Perry)

      Vernon Fiddler of the Coyotes recently recorded his first NHL hat trick. If Vernon bulges the top of the twine, is that called Fiddler on the roof? (RJ Currie)

      It didn't surprise me that Dallas receiver Dez Bryant could lose a $50,000 diamond earring during an NFL game. What surprised me was seeing Kobe Bryant on the field looking for it. (Cam Hutchinson)

      Raiders defensive end Richard Seymour got ejected for striking Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Apparently Seymour misunderstood when he heard Ben say he just loves getting hit on. (Dwight Perry)

      Oakland Raiders' Richard Seymore fined and ejected today for punching-out Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger. Good news? Seymore named Man of the Year by N.O.W. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A 77-year-old Spanish woman recently became the world’s oldest professional parachute jumper, completing her 903rd jump. She's the most talked about diver of late this side of the Bruin's Marc Savard. (RJ Currie)

      "I know, I know, it's an elbow scratch," Warriors forward David Lee told the San Francisco Chronicle, on his cut that got infected and required surgery. "But I was in the worst pain of my life. Now I know what it feels like to give birth." Well-wishers can't decide whether to send him a get-well card now or wait until Mother's Day. (Dwight Perry)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .ENTERTAINMENT

      Three finalists on 'Dancing with the Stars,' two of whom can dance and Bristol Palin who cannot, but her mother has an army of Eskimo robots calling in votes day and night. The Palins dream of a future in which no one will ever be disqualified from a job simply because they are unable to perform that job. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Jennifer Grey won "Dancing with the Stars" Tuesday night. And no doubt before the week is out, Sarah Palin will have figured out how to blame it on President Obama and the liberal media. (Janice Hough)

      On Dancing With The Stars, Bristol Palin finished third. Now, she’s wishing she’d taken her mother’s advice and just quit half way through.(Jerry Perisho)

      Bristol Palin says that God was on her side at "Dancing With The Stars". Apparently she wasn't praying hard enough if all He could do for her was a third place finish. (Jim Barach)

      Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows broke box office records on Saturday. The boy wizard's desire to use his power for good is an enduring English imperial stereotype. If Harry Potter were an American schoolboy he'd use his supernatural powers for day trading. (Argus Hamilton)

      In the latest Harry Potter film, Harry loses his friends, has to battle overwhelming evil forces, and hides in exotic foreign places to avoid public scrutiny. I'm sorry, that's President Obama. (Jay Leno)

      ABC aired the first holiday special, "A Charlie Brown Christmas." Next week, TLC will air "A Talent Deprived Christmas" in which Paris Hilton and Bristol Palin decorate the Kardashians. (Bob Mills)

      CBS has officially canceled the Patricia Arquette show, 'Medium', but of course, she must have known that was coming. (Tim Hunter)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .ENTERTAINERS

      The entire Beatles song catalogue is available for the first time on iTunes. Several songs have been re-mastered for younger listeners -- like "Will you still love me when I'm 64?" is now "… when I'm 87?" (Bob Mills)

      Pee-wee Herman, over the scandal, is back with a new stage show. His old friends have returned, so he no longer has to play with himself. (Scott Witt)

      Charlie Sheen was sued by porn star Capri Anderson for defamation of character Tuesday over his N. Y. hotel room crack-up. He's a national treasure. This lawsuit cements Charlie Sheen's place in history as the only man ever sued for ruining a porn star's good name. (Argus Hamilton)

      Jessica Simpson said her fiancee, ex-NFLer Eric Johnson, chose a good hiding place by concealing her three-stone ruby engagement ring in a shoe at her house. His other option was under a book. (RJ Currie)

      Lindsay Lohan was let out of rehab for the Thanksgiving Holiday. Apparently President Obama isn't the only one who gets to pardon turkeys. (Jim Barach)

      Grateful Dead founder Jerry Garcia's California mansion is up for sale with an asking price of $4 million, even though the rock legend bought it for $250,000. There's a good chance Jerry's no longer grateful to be dead. (Bob Mills)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .THE MEDIA

      George H. W. Bush and Barbara Bush had a wonderful interview with Larry King. Larry is so confused. He asked Barbara Bush how long she has been on the Quaker Oats box. (David Letterman)

      Rush Limbaugh on the radio yesterday told President Obama, "Keep your hands off my tea bag." Don't worry, Rush, even special ops couldn't find your tea bag." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The once profitable sleaze rag National Enquirer Magazine is in Chapter 11 bankruptcy. According to court records, the magazine has assets of $22.3 million and owes 458,671 retractions. (Bob Mills)

      There's a new version of Rolling Stone magazine being published specifically for the Middle East. It's called 'Throwing Stone.' (Conan O'Brien)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Some people think Bristol Palin is only doing well on 'Dancing With the Stars' because of an organized effort by the tea party. I hope the Democrats will respond by helping Nancy Pelosi win on 'Flavor of Love.' (Craig Ferguson)

      Wisconsin mascot Bucky Badger, who does a post-touchdown push-up for every accumulated point on the scoreboard, wound up doing 573 of them during his team's 83-20 pasting of Indiana. You know you're in a blowout, when the opponent's mascot is in better shape than your team." (Torben Rolfsen)

      Wisconsin mascot Bucky Badger who did 573 push-ups in the win over Indiana had no regrets and said many mascots live happy, productive lives without rotator cuffs. (Reggie Hayes)

      I just heard that, because of a weird mixup in the contentious divorce trial of Frank and Jamie McCourt, the Los Angeles Dodgers have been awarded to Elin Nordegren. (Greg Cote)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .EDUCATION

      By a vote of 5-2, the Georgia Supreme Court has ruled that teachers may legally have sex with students 16 or older if the sex is consensual. Here's what makes matters worse: Since it's Georgia, a lot of these 16-year-olds are still in the third grade. (Jay Leno)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .RELIGION

      In his new book, Pope Benedict XVI implies that in selected cases, the use of condoms will no longer be considered a mortal sin. Unfortunately, the relaxed rule applies only to priests, but it's a start. (Bob Mills)

      Pope Benedict has declared that it would no longer be considered a sin to use a condom during sex with a male or female prostitute. Since sex outside of marriage is considered a sin, does this exemption only apply to men or women married to prostitutes, or is sex outside of marriage now allowed but only if it is with a prostitute and a condom is used? (Stan Kegel)

      Pope Benedict XVI says male prostitutes should use condoms to help stop the spread of AIDS, and female prostitutes can help slow the spread of STD's simply by dropping out of Georgetown. (Jake Novak)

      The Pope’s message really packed a wallop. The Macy’s Parade featured nothing but flying helium-filled condoms. (Jerry Perisho)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .HISTORY

      On this day in 1863 President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address. And then the rebuttal was given by John McCain. Lincoln's speech was so successful that right after it, TBS offered him the 10 p. m. slot. (David Letterman)

      . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .HOLIDAYS

      This year marks the first Thanksgiving in which travelers will get molested before they get to their uncle's house. (Seth Meyers)

      The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, "I don't need a pardon. I need a job." (Conan O'Brien)

      I would like to wish everyone an early happy Thanksgiving. Most know the holiday began in 1621 when Pilgrims and Indians first got together to give thanks for being born centuries too soon to suffer Brett Favre's annual retirement drama. (Greg Cote)

      The Capitol Hill Christmas tree is on its way, and once it gets to Washington it'll die in committee. (David Letterman)

      . . . . . Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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