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Weakly Humerus News 11-25-10 Special Thanksgiving Issue

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-25-10; SPECIAL THANKSGIVING ISSUE AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE FROM THE HUFFINGTON POST I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way.
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 24, 2010
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-25-10; SPECIAL THANKSGIVING ISSUE
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      FROM THE HUFFINGTON POST

      I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)

      Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us? (Jim Gaffigan)

      Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car. (Stephen Colbert)

      Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants (Kevin James)

      If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, 'Boy, these are good cigars! (jack Handey)

      You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out. (Jay Leno)

      Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. (Johnny Carson)

      We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing. (George Carlin)

      Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, "Umm.. Bullsh*t?" Greg Proops)

      AND FROM OTHER SOURCES

      This year marks the first Thanksgiving in which travelers will get molested before they get to their uncle's house. (Seth Meyers)

      The Puritans celebrated Thanksgiving Day to commemorate being saved from the Indians. We continue to celebrate it to commemorate being saved from the Puritans. (Author Unknown)

      Pres. Obama pardoned a pair of turkeys from, as he called it, a November shellacking. … The turkeys had openly asked him to not campaign on their behalf. (Jerry Perisho)

      President Obama will pardon a turkey at the White House today and then it will be taken to a local petting zoo. Last year's pardoned turkey didn't last very long there. It didn't look good when the director of the petting zoo hired O. J. Simpson's attorneys. (Bob Mills)

      A survey says that 89% of U. S. families will have Thanksgiving dinner with relatives. The other 11% will opt for some peace and quiet. (Jim Barach)

      Thanksgiving approaches. Even in this bad economy, such an occasion reminds us of how blessed we really are. The relatives only mooch off us on certain holidays. (Alan Ray)

      The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers before Thanksgiving weekend. They say not to bring food, sharp tools, or any shred of dignity. (Jimmy Fallon)

      I would like to wish everyone an early happy Thanksgiving. Most know the holiday began in 1621 when Pilgrims and Indians first got together to give thanks for being born centuries too soon to suffer Brett Favre's annual retirement drama. (Greg Cote)

      More and more stores will be open this year Thanksgiving Day, including Sears, Walmart, Kmart and Gap, which means further erosion of the traditional "Black Friday" start to the Christmas shopping season. Will we look back year from now on this being the beginning of the trend that moved "Black Friday" to the weekend before Labor Day? (Janice Hough)

      Thanksgiving traditionalists say that shopping on the holiday is "crass". They say that instead of looking for ways to save money at stores desperate for their business, people should be at home overeating and getting drunk while fighting with family members whom they can't stand to be around. (Jim Barach)

      Headline: "Native American tribes seek trade ties with Turkey." Hell, that's not new. Indian ties to turkey began at the first Thanksgiving. (Scott Witt)

      The balloon depicting Kirstie Alley will not be in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in New York City. Its ass kept getting wedged between buildings. Same goes for the balloon of Barry Bonds' head. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Detroit Lions play on Thanksgiving against the New England Patriots. The people who will be most thankful on the holiday are New England Patriots fans. (Jim Barach)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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