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Weakly Humerus News 11-20-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-20-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK This will be a rough week for President Obama. He s got a lame duck Congress, he
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 20, 2010
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-20-10
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      This will be a rough week for President Obama. He's got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird. It's been a fowl week. (Jay Leno)

      I don't understand why the economy of Ireland is in such bad shape. After all their capital is still Dublin, isn't it? (Gary Hallock)

      President Obama said on '60 Minutes' that he wants to bring back the 8 million jobs we've lost. Today India said "No." (Jay Leno)

      The Roman Catholic Church is hosting a conference in Baltimore this week to teach priests how to conduct the esoteric rite of exorcism. It's urgent. The church needs more and better-trained exorcists due to the high number of people who've been re-possessed. (Argus Hamilton)

      Students at Cal State Fresno have elected an illegal immigrant as the student body president this year, kind of like how their parents an illegal immigrant President of the United States in 2008. (Jake Novak)

      Forbes Magazine is out with its annual list of highest-paying professions. Number 14 is 'Auburn quarterback. (Brad Dickson)

      The lame duck Congress started today. Not to be confused with before the election — that was a lame-ass excuse for a Congress. (Jay Leno)

      The NBA season continues. How are the Washington Wizards like the city they represent? They’re not very good at passing anything. (Alan Ray)

      Rep. Charles Rangel says he wants fairness and mercy in his punishment for ethics violations. He wants to be treated the same as any other Congressman breaking the law. Look the other way. (Jim Barach)

      Passengers are mad about airport security patdowns. First you are groped, then put on a plane where you can't even have a cigarette afterwards. (Jim Barach)

      The Situation from 'Jersey Shore' just shot a PSA with Bristol Palin about safe sex and abstinence. Wait, they wanted to do a PSA about not having sex and getting pregnant and they chose The Situation and Bristol Palin? Who's doing their anti-drug campaign, Lindsay Lohan?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      The weirdest part of his memoir is that Bush says when he was a teenager, his mother showed him a fetus that she had miscarried that she kept in a jar. And his decision point there was to start drinking. Actually Bush says when she showed him the fetus in the jar, that's what made him so strongly against abortion, and for food labels. (Bill Maher)

      'The Unemployed American' is in the running for 'Time' magazine's 'Man of the Year.' That must be discouraging, to be on the cover of 'Time' and still no one will hire you." (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama's picture book for kids is coming out. That's when you know things have changed -- when Bush writes a 500-page memoir and Obama hands in a coloring book. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The bat the Dodgers' Kirk Gibson used to hit his historic home run in the 1988 World Series went on the auction block in Laguna Niguel, Calif., and was sold for $575,912.40. In other words, it was a 500-grand slam. (Dwight Perry)

      TSA

      TSA agents can now feel the inside of passengers' thighs. I get more action going through airline security than I did all through high school. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      You can opt out of the full-body scan and choose the alternative, letting the TSA touch your T&A. It's just like an 8th grade basement make-out party, except instead of your mother interrupting, she's getting stroked in the next line. (Stephen Colbert)

      Have you been to the airport lately? Guys, they don't just pat you down anymore, they thoroughly rub your leg and crotch. And that's just the Republican congressmen in the men's bathrooms. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The TSA defended the government's right to grope women's breasts if they don't agree to a nude scan Monday. The TSA cited the Fourth Amendment. It's a carryover from the King of England's right of the first night with a bride and so we just have to live with it. (Argus Hamilton)

      It was bad enough when the TSA agents would go through your underwear in your luggage. Now they're going through your underwear while you're wearing it. Now, to make it worse, the airlines are charging a $15 molestation fee. (Jay Leno)

      The TSA has changed airport security guidelines. Now you can have an extensive body pat-down or a naked scan. I think I speak for everybody when I say, "Hey, why can't we have both?" (David Letterman)

      A GOP lawmaker says that airport scanners should be removed because they violate the 4th Amendment. Forget the 4th Amendment. They break three of the Commandments. (Jim Barach)

      Homeland Security ordered TSA screeners last week to grope passengers at security gates if they refuse the nude body scan. They vowed to respect cultural traditions. Every time they grope a woman's breasts in Los Angeles they will offer her a line of cocaine first. (Argus Hamilton)

      The major pilots unions are complaining about the use of full-body scanners and these pat-down techniques at the airport. Pilots say the searches make it almost impossible for them to smuggle in liquor. (Jay Leno)

      People are concerned that the new airport security scanners could lead to pictures of their genitals ending up on the Internet. Apparently no one has told them that without pictures of genitals, there would be no Internet. (Conan O'Brien)

      The morale of the CIA has reportedly gone up under Director Leon Panetta. Although not as much as the TSA under Janet Napolitano. Apparently those agents love to go to work knowing they get to feel up all the women passengers and see them naked in the airport scanners. (Jim Barach)

      People are concerned that with the new airport security scanners, pictures of their genitals ending up on the Internet. Well, almost everyone is concerned except Brett Favre. He'll even text them to you. (Tim Hunter)

      The TSA was ordered Monday to grope women at airport security gates if they refused the nude body scan. It's now legal for federal workers to grope you if they can't see you naked. It sounds like an idea right out of Bill Clinton's I Have a Dream speech. (Argus Hamilton)

      In San Diego, a man refused to be patted down by airport security and some people are calling him a hero. I don't mind being patted down by airport security, but I don't like it when the guy says, "Now you do me." (Conan O'Brien)

      The day before Thanksgiving is National Opt-Out Day, where people are being asked to boycott the TSA's full-body scanners. Sponsors of the event say people shouldn't be made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable while traveling. That's what Thanksgiving with your family is for. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport flight attendants protested the TSA's new order to grope women's breasts looking for volatile chemicals. Say it ain't so. If silicone can be made into a bomb, Los Angeles women may be taking the bus to Vegas for the rest of their lives. (Argus Hamilton)

      SARAH PALIN

      In Sarah Palin's latest book, "America by Heart," she apparently wrote that it was "disgusting" to watch "the father of my grandchild" Levi Johnston exploit his sudden fame. Right, as opposed to the mother of her grandchild. (Janice Hough)

      Sarah Palin knocked "American Idol" contestants, saying they were "untalented victims of the cult of self-esteem." Right. As opposed to the well-adjusted, supremely gifted and attractive people who go on "Dancing with the Stars." (Janice Hough)

      Sarah Palin has slammed "American Idol" as being populated by untalented victims of the "cult of self esteem". Unlike "Dancing With The Stars", which is populated by untalented daughters of people in the cult of self-esteem. (Jim Barach)

      Sunday night was the debut of the reality show 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.' It got huge ratings. Even people over in Russia were watching. They didn't need TV's, they could see it from their porch. (Jay Leno)

      Sarah Palin's new reality show premiered last night on TLC. Huge ratings. 5 Million viewers. The biggest premiere in the history of that network. If you didn't see it, basically it's Jon and Kate plus about four meets the deadliest catch. It's Ice Road Soccer Mom. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The TV show "Sarah Palin's Alaska" debuted to an audience of 5 Million people. That is 200,000 less than the premier of "Jersey Shore". Which means that the edge for the Republican presidential nomination is now leaning toward Snooki. (Jim Barach)

      While campaigning in Florida, Palin plugged her upcoming reality show Sarah Palin's 'Alaska.' If you haven't seen it, the entire show takes place in Palin's rear view mirror. (Seth Meyers)

      Sarah Palin's Alaska debuted on TLC Sunday showing Sarah and her family enjoying the wild. They spend the next show packing powdered eggs, canned goods, dried beef, bottled water and a week's supply of toilet paper. They're preparing to go on a Carnival Cruise. (Argus Hamilton)

      Sarah Palin's Alaska debuted Sunday, showing Sarah frolicking in the wilderness in jeans and boots. Casual is her style. Until John McCain put her on the ticket two years ago, Sarah Palin thought that Neiman Marcus was the president of the Philippines. (Argus Hamilton)

      John McCain makes an appearance on Palin's show. He wasn't scheduled, he just wanders through. (David Letterman)

      Sunday Night was the debut of the reality show 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.' It got huge ratings. Even John McCain watched it. In fact, halfway through the program McCain turned to his wife Cindy and said, 'Who is that woman? She looks familiar." (Jay Leno)

      Over 5 million people tuned in to watch the premiere of Sarah Palin's new show on TLC. It was such a success, TLC now stands for 'The Learnifying Channel.' (Jimmy Fallon)

      A show with Sarah Palin? Did we run out of Kardashians? (David Letterman)

      'Sarah Palin's Alaska' got huge ratings for its premiere. It was followed by 'John McCain's Mesopotamia.' (Jay Leno)

      There was a funny moment on Palin's show when the Palins approached a brown bear and asked to see its papers. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Early on in the first episode Sarah Palin talked about trying to protect her family's privacy while speaking directly into a television camera." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Sarah Palin has a new show. She takes viewers all around Alaska, and shows them where she water-boarded Levi Johnston. (David Letterman)

      Sarah Palin's new show is a huge hit and producers are saying that no endangered species were harmed — except for the Democrats. (David Letterman)

      Politics aside, the success of Sarah Palin and women like her is good for all women, except, of course, those who will end up, you know, like, paying for their own rape kit 'n' stuff. But for everybody else, it's a win-win, unless you're a gay woman who wants to marry your partner of 20 years, whatever. But for most women, the success of conservative women is good for all of us. Unless you believe in evolution. You know, actually, I take it back. The whole thing's a disaster. (Tina Fey)

      The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's word 'refudiate' to be the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to 'dismangle' the English language. (Conan O'Brien)

      The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's made-up word 'refudiate' the 2010 word of the year. When asked for her reaction to the dubious honor, Palin said she would not 'dignitate' it with a response. (Jay Leno)

      Alaska Sen. Lisa Murkowski said that she doesn't think Sarah Palin enjoyed being governor. Palin was like, 'That's absurd. If I didn't enjoy being governor, I would have just quit in the middle of my — nevermind.'" (Jimmy Fallon)

      BRISTOL PALIN

      Bristol Palin again got the lowest score in "Dancing with the Stars" and again she wasn't eliminated. She's invincible. She cannot be destroyed. She's like a no-fun version of Charlie Sheen. Imagine how many votes she would get if she could actually dance. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A guy was so upset with Bristol Palin on 'Dancing With the Stars' that he shot his TV set with a shotgun. You would think a guy with a shotgun tucked between his couch cushions would be a Palin supporter. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      He became upset when Brandy was eliminated and not only shot his TV, but threatened to shoot himself. He either really hates Bristol Palin or really loves the show 'Moesha. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A senior citizen was arrested after shooting his TV when Bristol Palin wasn't kicked off of 'Dancing With the Stars.' Come on, John McCain, it's been two years. Get over it. (Craig Ferguson)

      Authorities say a 67-year-old man in Wisconsin was so enraged over Bristol Palin's 'Dancing with the Stars' routine, he blasted his television with a shotgun. All I can say is I'm glad this guy doesn't have TBS. (Conan O'Brien)

      Bristol Palin apologized for her Facebook rant against her critics. She said, "Rather than rant, mom says I should just 'unfriendify' them." (Jerry Perisho)

      On Bristol Palin's abstinence PSA with 'Jersey Shore's' The Situation, in which he dangles condoms at her: "By the way, if he gets her pregnant, it's officially designated "The Situation Womb." (Jon Stewart)


      GEORGE W. BUSH

      They just had the groundbreaking ceremony of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Dallas. It's easy to get into the building, but then you spend 10 years trying to find an exit strategy. (Jimmy Fallon)

      George W. Bush's famous 'Mission Accomplished' banner may be put in his Presidential Library. They plan to hang it up as soon as they start construction. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Dick Cheney attended the ceremony. It's fitting for Cheney to be at the library. He spent eight years telling Bush to be quiet. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Actually, when speaking about Bush, Dick Cheney said that Americans can tell a decent, good-hearted guy when they see him. Then he was like, "Let me know if you do. I need that heart." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Down in Texas, ground breaking ceremonies for the George W. Bush center in Dallas. Ladies and gentlemen, thank god the comedy recession is over. Actually, the official name of the place is George W. Bush Presidential Center, Go-Kart Track, and Water Park. The George W. Bush Presidential Center is part of a $250 million complex. And by the way, I believe this is the first time the words 'Bush' and 'complex' have been used in same sentence. (David Letterman)

      George W. Bush admits in his memoir Decision Points that he is frightened of horses. When he was a little boy in Texas he fell out of the saddle and got his feet tangled up in the stirrups. The manager of the grocery store had to come outside and turn off the electricity. (Argus Hamilton)

      George W. Bush has a new memoir out and he said in an interview that he thought that Sarah Palin was not qualified to be president. Well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle of black. Honest to goodness. (David Letterman)

      George Bush's memoir out. It's called 'Decision Points' It's also available in an audio version so you can listen to it while you drive the economy off the cliff. (Bill Maher)

      Bush was everywhere this week. He was on Matt Lauer, Sean Hannity, Oprah. And he got 50 bucks for his fetus in a jar on 'The Antique Roadshow.' (Bill Maher)

      An article on 'Huffington Post yesterday claimed that several passages of George W. Bush's new memoir 'Decision Points" were lifted from other books, including several written by his advisers. Which explains why he spent much of the book complaining about his boss. (Seth Meyers)

      Reports suggest that parts of former President Bush's new book may have been lifted from other books. Especially the parts about Dumbledore and Voldemort. (Conan O'Brien)

      Former President George W. Bush's new memoir has already sold 800,000 copies. In other news, the new Bush presidential library just purchased its first 800,000 books. (Conan O'Brien)

      In his memoirs, George W. Bush admits that he's a recovering alcoholic. Which may explain why he refers to torture as a twelve-step program for terrorists. (Bob Mills)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama is doing an interview with Barbara Walters that will air the day after Thanksgiving. Walters will ask Obama how he plans to stop the fighting in the Middle East, while he'll ask her how she plans to stop the fighting on 'The View.' (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama refused to reduce Health Care Reform benefits Monday. The U.S. government is giving out free mammograms, free testicular and cervical screenings and free prostate exams. All you have to do is walk through the airport like you're going somewhere. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama has a children's book. It's called, "How the Grinch Stole the Midterm Elections." (David Letterman)

      President Obama has just released a new children's book. It just came out. Have you seen this? It's called -- right here. 'Of Thee I Sing' and of course, the Republicans, you know, they couldn't wait to release their version of the book, 'The End I See.' (Jay Leno)

      President Obama wrote a children's book. If only one person reads it, it will be double the number of people that read the healthcare bill. (Jay Leno)

      You can tell President Obama wrote his children's book a few years ago. It lists 13 great Americans and they include Bernie Madoff, Tiger Woods, and Charlie Sheen. (Craig Ferguson)

      All of the royalties from Obama's book sales will go to an organization that really needs the money: the Obama re-election company. (Craig Ferguson)

      President Obama is back from his 10-day Asian tour, and I haven't seen a trip reviewed this badly since the Griswalds went to Vegas. (Jon Stewart)

      President Obama is back home after his ten-day trip to Asia. On the way back, yesterday, air force one made a stop in Anchorage, Alaska, which is hopefully the only time we'll hear Air Force One and Anchorage, Alaska in the same sentence. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama continues his world travels. He's slept in a different bed every night for the past week, tying the record currently held by several of the Kardashian sisters. (Tim Hunter)

      Things are so bad for Obama, today a gay teenager made a video showing him that it gets better. (Bill Maher)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Hillary Clinton met with Israel's Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu for six hours at a hotel yesterday. When Hillary saw that she had a six-hour meeting at a hotel, she was like, "Wait, I think this is Bill's schedule. This isn't mine. It can't be mine'" (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE CONGRESS

      Nancy Pelosi has now been elected the new House minority leader. She was smiling from ear to ear, which is pretty impressive considering how far her ears have been pulled back. (Jay Leno)

      If Rep. Charles Rangel is found guilty by the ethics committee, they said they could expel him, but experts say that is not likely. See, that would set a bad precedent in Washington, punishing the guilty. (Jay Leno)

      The House Ethics Committee has found Rep. Charles Rangel guilty of financial misconduct. It wasn't easy. They had to go way outside Washington to find anyone that knew anything about ethics. (Jay Leno)

      I don't think Rangel gets it. Like, today, he said to pay his fine he's going to have to accept bribes now. (Jay Leno)

      Rep. John Boehner is the new speaker of the House. Turn-ons include tax cuts and spray tans. (Craig Ferguson)

      Happy birthday to Rep. John Boehner from Ohio. If you want to get him a present, you can't go wrong with bronzer. Or you can get him a giant bed so the banking, oil, and defense industries can get in it with him. (David Letterman)

      THE MILITARY

      Cindy McCain has come out publicly in a video supporting gays' right to serve in the U. S. Armed Forces, while her husband leads the Senate fight to maintain the status quo. Guessing that "What did you do today, honey?" conversations at the dinner table have given way to "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." (Janice Hough)

      Speaking in a video for an ad campaign aimed at ending the bullying of gay teenagers, Cindy McCain, the wife of Senator John McCain, broke with her husband and called for the repeal of "don't ask, don't tell." McCain says he and his wife have disagreed on other issues too. Things like, "Where am I and what the hell is going on." (Seth Meyers)

      FEDERAL AGENCIES

      The U.S. Post Office lost $8.5 billion last year. Administrators don’t know the reasons why. But they plan to correspond with each other next week via email and conference call. (Alan Ray)

      The FDA will ban alcoholic energy drinks like Four Loko. That's a shame; it was the perfect tonic to help Congress sit through a session led by Nancy Pelosi. (Jerry Perisho)

      The FDA banned the beverage Four Loko which blends enough beer and caffeine to produce a wide awake drunken blackout for only three dollars a can. It's the same effect as cocaine and whiskey but a hundred bucks cheaper. Four Loko gives today's college kids their first story to tell their grandchildren about how they survived the Great Recession. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE STATES

      Voters in Arizona have approved a measure allowing medical marijuana. Arizona is now the 15th state where you can pretend to have glaucoma. (Conan O'Brien)

      Arizona just became the 15th state to approve medical marijuana. So I give it three days before they stop caring about the whole immigration thing. (Jimmy Fallon)

      California begins asking investors to lend it $14 billion in bonds this week. To boost confidence, the state is promising that the interest on the bonds will be paid by the fines levied against Lindsay Lohan at each of her 18,000 upcoming court appearances. (Jake Novak)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Animal Control discovered a woman here in New York with 50 cats in her two-bedroom apartment. That's insane. I mean, how can a crazy cat lady in New York afford a two-bedroom apartment? (Jimmy Fallon)

      This weekend New York City is hosting the two-day Quidditch World Cup. And over 40 broomstick-riding teams are participating. - Wonder if the championship trophy will be given out by Christine O'Donnell? But really? Quidditch? Even Trekkies are saying "How geeky can you get?" (Janice Hough)

      A Florida truck dealer is offering customers a free AK47 automatic assault rifle. Let's see, in a horrible economy they give away a weapon to commit a robbery along with a means of escape. What could possibly go wrong? (Alex Kaseberg)

      A Florida car dealer is offering a free AK-47 automatic weapon with the purchase of a used truck. Although the deal apparently isn't generating a lot of interest. Who in Florida needs yet another AK-47? (Jim Barach)

      L. A. county politicians have banned plastic shopping bags, because it's much easier for them to stash all their stolen taxpayer money in reusable bags. (Jake Novak)

      Two Kentucky men are in jail after a drunken dispute, they cut off the victim's beard and made that victim eat the beard. Even in Kentucky, that's no way to treat your mother-in-law. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Have you ever eaten so much dairy and so little fiber that your intestinal tract came to a complete, unmoving halt? Now you know how DC will feel for the next two years. (Jerry Perisho)

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      Speaking of former presidents, I'm not making this up. Former President Clinton apparently has a cameo in he new "Hangover 2" movie. Yep. When asked why Clinton is in the movie, the producers said there are some things Mike Tyson will not do. (Conan O'Brien)

      Bill Clinton is going to appear in a movie, he has a small part in a movie called the Hangover 2. George W. Bush also next year will be seen in the new Jackass movie. (David Letterman)

      President Clinton is in Thailand and he just shot a cameo in the new movie the 'Hangover 2.' He was in Thailand giving a speech. He stopped by the set. You see that, he's not a letch. Turns out all these years he's just been preparing for a role. He's a method actor. Thailand movie set, bachelor party, what could possibly go wrong? Hillary must be delighted. "You did what in Thailand?" (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Former Virginia Senator George Allen says that politicians can learn from sports. Looking at Tiger Woods, Michael Vick and Brett Favre, it looks like they already have. (Jim Barach)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      One of the new proposals from a bipartisan commission released Wednesday suggested that in order to bring down the deficit, the government would need to raise the retirement age to 69 by the year 2075. So the next time a baby is crying on your flight, it's probably because they just found out they're gonna have to work until they're 69 in New China." (Seth Meyers)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      I-pad will soon offer an app that can be used to test the user for undetected STDs. Apparently, science will stop at nothing to protect innocent young girls from Brett Favre. (Bob Mills)

      Victoria's Secret has unveiled a $2 million bra that's studded with diamonds, sapphires and rubies. Sounds like something Kobe could give his wife to forgive him for an entire season on the road. (Bob Mills)

      For a limited time, McDonald's is offering a pork McRib sandwich. The company has a biblical story for children printed right there on the box. Suffice to say, it involves McAdam and McEve. (Bob Mills)

      Following McDonald's lead, Burger King now offers gourmet coffee. The fast food latte and cappuccino fad is on fire. Last week, a guy was arrested in a Wendy's parking lot selling Starbucks knockoffs out of the trunk of his car. (Bob Mills)

      In a new ad blitz, KFC is paying college co-eds to wear tailored sweats with the Colonel's logo on their rear bumper. Too bad JayLo isn't college age, she could have made enough to pay for all four years. (Bob Mills)

      Anheuser Busch is suing the MLB for breach of contract. Word is the league is trying to lure sponsors with healthier products. It has just cut a big deal with both Wendy’s and Taco Bell. (Alan Ray)

      TRAVEL & TRANSPORTATION

      The new German 'Wind Up' mini car, capable of going 40 mph, goes on display this week in Essen, Germany. Listed in Guiness as the world's smallest car licensed for public streets, it's only 41 inches high, 51 inches long and 26 inches wide. It is said to be ideal for eco-minded jockeys and Montreal Canadiens. (RJ Currie)

      CANADA

      A new report has named Vancouver the world's second most eco-friendly city. The authors point to two major steps in Vancouver's reduction of toxic gas emissions: 2006 when the city adopted solar-powered trash compactors, and 2004 when the Canucks fired Brian Burke. (RJ Currie)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      The European Union is about to give Ireland a $136 billion rescue fund. Ireland should be able to pay it back quickly simply by getting the 5 cents from every bottle of Guiness it recycles. (Jake Novak)

      Prince William is engaged to his longtime girlfriend, Kate Middleton; I like Kate Middleton, she looks like the kind of girl who can tie a cherry stem in a knot in her mouth without taking the lit Marlboro from her lips. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The engagement of Prince William to his longtime girlfriend Kate Middleton was announced Tuesday. She knows that being decapitated for not producing a male heir is part of the deal, right? (Marianne RizzO)

      It's official! Prince William and Kate Middleton are engaged to be wed in early spring or summer. If you're of a mind to send a gift, they're registered at "Moats R Us" and "Bed, Bath & Balmoral Castle." (Bob Mills)

      Prince William got engaged to Kate Middleton Tuesday and gave her his mother's engagement ring. Times have changed since that engagement. Thirty years ago Lady Diana had to pass a virginity test and after that she never went through U.S. airport security again. (Argus Hamilton)

      McDonald's and KFC will help write the UK policy on obesity and diet related diseases. Government officials are hoping it works out better than when they had the people at Coke and Hershey's help with Great Britain's dental health policy. (Jim Barach)

      Officials in the UK hired Ronald McDonald and the Colonel to help formulate a program that will alert Brits to the health dangers of obesity. Isn't that a little like asking the pope to help screen Cub Scout camp counselors? (Bob Mills)

      In England, a restaurant has opened that is just for dogs; it's like a regular English restaurant except the food is better. (Alex Kaseberg)

      EUROPE

      The Swedish government complained that American Embassy employees had been eves-dropping on Swedes. They withdrew the complaint after Hillary Clinton explained they were just trying to figure out "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo." (Bob Mills)

      SCIENCE

      CERN scientists told Reuters they are closer than expected to proving there's another dimension beyond the four we know. A CERN spokesperson says by probing the fifth dimension they hope to find a) the mysterious Higgs particle, b) all the missing socks from dryers, and c) Tiger Woods' golf game. (RJ Currie)

      HEALTH

      Chili's new "Southern Smokehouse Burger" with 2090 calories, 127 fat grams and 6310 mgs of sodium has been crowned fast food's unhealthiest menu item. The state of Texas has already used it on three death row inmates. (Bob Mills)

      German scientists have discovered a brain disorder that causes victims to tell inappropriate and bad jokes. It's called Carrot Top-osis. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Doctors say if you use your cell phone a lot and get a rash on your face, it's because you're allergic to nickel, a cell phone metal. It's that and the fact that you like sucking on nickels. (Jerry Perisho)

      SPORTS

      The star-bloated Miami Heat fell to 5-4 with a 112-107 loss to the Celtics on Thursday. "I just feel awful about it," said absolutely no one living outside of South Florida. (Dwight Perry)

      For the first time in seven years a Bills home game will be blacked out in Buffalo. For the rest of us, no such luck. (RJ Currie)

      The NFL is dropping playoff ticket prices by 10 percent. This raises an important question among Carolina Panthers fans. What's a playoff? (Alan Ray)

      Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones fired coach Wade Phillips Tuesday over the team's dismal effort. They looked awful. Last night in Texas a guy left two Dallas Cowboys tickets on the dashboard of his car and somebody broke into the car and left two more. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Detroit Lions haven't won on the road in 25 games, and the Dallas Cowboys haven't won at all in their new stadium. A 10-10 overtime tie anyone? You heard it here first. (T. C. Chong)

      Apparently Major League Baseball is likely to expand the playoffs to include 10 teams, but not until at least 2012. Which means that next year the Red Sox and Yankees will have to make the playoffs the old-fashioned way, by buying free agents and picking up big names at the trade deadline. (Janice Hough)

      The New York Yankees are raising some ticket prices next season. If you take a family of four to the game, you may go home with a family of only three. In other news, Alex Rodriguez purchased Nebraska. (Jerry Perisho)

      On the 1-7 Cowboys' coaching shakeup: Jerry Jones just handed Jason Garrett a Swiss Army knife and told him to fix the Hindenburg. (Jeff Schultz)

      F1 Virgin Racing Team owner Richard Branson has sponsored a photography book featuring supermodels Including Brooklyn Decker, Miranda Kerr and Marisa Miller. The top three titles under consideration: 3. Life in the fasting lane; 2. Gentlemen; start your engines; 1. Vroom with a view. (RJ Currie)

      World Cup champion Spain suffered 'their worst defeat in years' getting hammered 4-0 by Portugal. The last time the Spanish looked in over their heads like that, the British navy sank the Armada. (RJ Currie)

      ATHLETES

      Bret Favre is talking about retirement at the end of this season. Imagine if they had retired his number every time he retired. The players would have to switch to letters! (Tim Hunter)

      I'm not sure Brett Favre gets it. The last time he went through airport security he told the TSA guy. "Nice picture, can you send it to this girl I know?" (Janice Hough)

      Brett Favre was accused by Jenn Sterger in her deposition to the NFL Thursday of sending her naked pictures of himself by camera phone. It's no reason to lynch him. A year from now, naked photos of NFL stars will be nothing more than airport security bubble gum cards. (Argus Hamilton)

      Jenn Sterger reportedly met with NFL officials for over three hours to discuss allegations Brett Favre sent her racy texts, including nude photos of his private parts. I'm thinking it's a good thing for Favre the sexting happened before the NFL banned head shots. (RJ Currie)

      Derek Jeter is unhappy with the Yankees' offer of $21 million a year for three years. This after a season in which most sportswriters agree he won the Golden Glove mostly on reputation, and hit all of. 270. If New York actually ups the ante to keep Jeter maybe the SF Giants should talk to them about taking Zito. (Janice Hough)

      Heisman Trophy favorite Cam Newton was accused of seeking two hundred grand to play at Auburn. That's nothing. If you're a Heisman winner at USC they give you Hollywood stardom, your choice of Kardashians and a post-verdict Get Out of Marriage Free card. (Argus Hamilton)

      Titans cornerback Cortland Finnegan was voted the NFL's dirtiest player in a poll of 100 players: Among other results, Brett Favre was voted the most photogenic. (Cam Hutchinson)

      Tony Parker has three rings with the San Antonio Spurs. Sounds like maybe he should have bought another, for his wife. (Janice Hough)

      Tony Parker & Eva Longoria have split in the most surprising separation since Charles Barkley left his nachos. (Alan Ray)

      2 time NBA MVP Steve Nash is divorcing his wife. The announcement came on the day after his son was born. She delivered him a son, and he delivered her a summons. (Jim Barach)

      First Steve Nash announces he is divorcing, now Tony Parker's wife has filed papers. Okay, who'd a thunk the longest married superstar in the NBA might end up being Kobe Bryant? (Janice Hough)

      Felix Hernandez of the lowly Seattle Mariners won the AL Cy Young Award with a major-league leading ERA. 2.27, although only a 13-12 record. Hernandez may never win another Cy Young, but at least his win total should go up when he ends up in pinstripes. (Janice Hough)

      Tonya Harding, the bad girl of figure skating, turned the big 4-oh on Friday. In lieu of party games, they kneecapped the piñata. (Dwight Perry)

      Near perfect: the name of new Calgary Hitmen goalie Brandon Glover. Perfect: if he had been traded to the Wheat Kings. (RJ Currie)

      Ex-Flame now Hurricane Brett Sutter has apologized for his intoxicated punching of a cabbie and subsequent arrest in Scottsdale shortly after a Calgary loss to the Coyotes. People in the Phoenix area were shocked by the incident, saying "We have an NHL team?" (RJ Currie)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      A new Harry Potter movie is out Friday. The young wizard once again produces amazing feats of magic. He turns a predictable storyline into a huge profit. (Alan Ray)

      Warner Bros. will release the seventh Harry Potter adventure on the same day Pope Benedict delivers his annual holiday message. They have a lot in common. One dazzles his followers with amazing feats of magic and occult wizardry and the other is, well, Harry Potter. (Bob Mills)

      ENTERTAINERS

      Eva Longoria filed court papers this week to divorce Spur's star Tony Parker and end three years of marriage. In basketball terms, this would be called a triple un-double. (RJ Currie)

      Fulfilling a lifelong dream, Betty White was named an official Forest Ranger. She'll be the spokesperson for their new motto "Only You Can Prevent Cruise Ship Engine Room Fires." (Bob Mills)

      Charlie Sheen was reported Wednesday preparing to divorce Brooke Mueller. They broke up after last month's hotel room spree in New York. He woke up in a hospital bed the next morning where nurses say he coughed up five hundred dollars for a hooker. (Argus Hamilton)

      Randy and Evi Quaid, who have been in Vancouver since October seeking asylum, missed a fourth mandatory court appearance in Santa Barbara. They join the Flames, Oilers and Maple Leafs as teams in Canada who haven't been showing up. (RJ Currie)

      Lady Gaga says she's coming out with her own fragrance. I thought Lady Gaga already had her own fragrance. Rotting meat. (Frank King)

      Lady Gaga is reportedly about to debut a new fragrance. Insiders who've sampled it say it falls somewhere between thinly-sliced lean pastrami and a veal cutlet sauteed in shallots and a robust burgundy wine sauce. (Bob Mills)

      Bill Nye the Science Guy fainted on stage while giving a speech at the Univ. of Southern California. It was a class for the football players, so no one was there to notice. (Jerry Perisho)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Jessica Simpson is engaged to former NFL QB, Eric Johnson. To review, Jessica has also dated NFL QB's Tony Romo, Matt Leinart and Colt Brennan. In fact, Jessica has nailed more Quarterbacks than the defensive lines of the Oakland Raiders and Buffalo Bills combined. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Meg Whitman has settled with her former housekeeper for $5,500 in back wages. The amount was so low that to pay her legal bills the housekeeper is now having to be a live in maid for Gloria Allred. (Jim Barach)

      Bernie Madoff's underpants were sold at an auction. They were from 'Fraud of the Loom." (David Letterman)

      Madoff was upset that his wife sold her engagement ring for $500,000, because he hoped to give it to his new fiancé, Walt. (David Letterman)

      Fargo Police were chagrined to discover that North Dakota State football coach Craig Bohl ,whom they lined up to promote safe driving in 30-second radio ads, has had at least 18 traffic offenses since 2003, including 10 speeding tickets in the past three years. (Fargo Forum)

      EDUCATION

      The Fresno State University Student Body President has admitted he is an illegal immigrant. To which Tea Party officials say "That's what happens when you don't make a president show their birth certificate!" (Jim Barach)

      A suburban Washington, D.C. high school has basically eliminated the "F" grade. It turns out the students demanded to be treated like congressmen. (Jake Novak)

      GAMES & LIFE STYLE

      Michael Jackson's estate made millions more from the superstar's legacy Friday as Sony greenlighted the Michael Jackson Video Game. The game is really authentic. The instructions on the box read that the game is for kids twelve years of age and under. (Argus Hamilton)

      Call to Duty video game came out Monday in which two players try to arrange for the assassination of young Fidel Castro in the Sixties. It's so realistic. Every time Castro eludes assassination the two players flip a coin to see who sleeps with Marilyn Monroe tonight. (Argus Hamilton)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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