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Weakly Humerus News 11-13-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-13-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK We now have a Democratic Senate, a Republican House, and a president with veto
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 13, 2010
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-13-10
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE


      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      We now have a Democratic Senate, a Republican House, and a president with veto power. Smooth sailing, right? (David Letterman)

      Some people question the need for daylight-saving time. But daylight is the only savings many people have right now. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      I read Bush's memoir, and I have to say, the book is way better than the Presidency. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Amazon is buying diaper.com for $540 Million. The sale hasn't been officially announced. The media found out about it through a leak. (Jim Barach)

      Queen Elizabeth now has her own Facebook page. The octogenarian monarch is really into the latest technology. Now when she confers a knighthood, instead of tapping you with a sword, she Twitters you. (Bob Mills)

      Congressional approval has dropped to 17% after the Midterm elections. How stupid are we that we get to vote in a completely new Congress and a week later 83% of the people are already mad at who they selected? (Jim Barach)

      Levi Johnston said in an interview that Sarah Palin is "not qualified" to be president. And believe me, if there's anyone who knows about not being qualified for something, it's Levi Johnston. (Jay Leno)

      If hosting the World Series doesn't make Dallas a baseball town, the Dallas Cowboys just might. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Federal Reserve devalued the dollar Wednesday, drawing a protest from China and Japan and Germany. The Democrats seem to be in total disarray. They've lost the House, they've devalued the currency and now they've outsourced the presidency to India. (Argus Hamilton)

      Derek Jeter's girlfriend Minka Kelly has been named 'Sexiest Woman Alive' by Esquire Magazine. Not to say Jeter doesn't deserve the Golden Glove he just got, but lately Minka has been his best catch. (RJ Currie)

      Go figure, in San Francisco just about anyone can get a medical marijuana prescription. But heaven help you now if you decide to satisfy the munchies with a small cheeseburger and fries and want a free toy to go with that. (Janice Hough)

      British health officials say they're working on a new app that let you pee into your cell phone and find out within minutes if they have an STD. Just remind me never to ask to borrow your cell phone. (Tim Hunter)

      Veteran actor Dick Van Dyke claims a pod of porpoises saved his life by pushing him to shore after he fell asleep on his surfboard and woke with no land in sight. Van Dyke says the experience has given him a) a lesson about drifting off to sleep, and b) a sense of porpoise. (RJ Currie)

      A study says that obesity in America will eventually reach 42% of the population. Combined with the mortgage crisis this means people are truly eating themselves out of house and home. (Jim Barach)

      Stripped of his PGA card, golfer John Daly told reporters that he plans to join the European Tour. He should fit right in over there. In Scotland, purses are paid in Guinness Stout. (Bob Mills)

      OBAMA IN ASIA

      President Obama is in India. You know what they say: Go where the jobs are. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama arrived in India Friday where he will enjoy a state dinner and give a televised speech. Obama has one great advantage when speaking to the people of this country. If his Teleprompter breaks down while he's in India, tech support is a local call.. (Argus Hamilton)

      Republicans were complaining about the cost of Obama's trip, and that he was staying at the Taj Mahal. It turns out he was actually staying at the Taj Mahal Express, by the airport. (Jay Leno)

      Obama's in India for two days and Republicans are already accusing him of being a Hindu. (Jay Leno)

      In Mumbai, President Barack Obama conducted high-level talks with Indian officials on the balance of trade, import quotas, and why his MP3s aren't downloading properly, while the talks were monitored for quality assurance. (Bob Mills)

      President Obama is touring Asia making trade deals. He signed a $10 billion pact with India, brokered a deal to make India part of the Security Council, and got a $15 late fee removed from his Visa card. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Obama says India is one of our most important trading partners. We give them our jobs and they give us, wait, what do we get? (Jay Leno)

      The president's trip was cut short due to volcanic ash. That's the second time his plans have been disrupted by ash. The last time was when the Democrats went down in flames. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep traveling until he finds his birth certificate. (David Letterman)

      Twenty-thousand Indonesians protested President Obama's visit to Indonesia. Apparently, 3 out of 4 Indonesians believe he's an American. (Conan O'Brien)

      President Obama is still out of the country but he's keeping in contact with Vice President Joe Biden to find out when it's safe to come back home. (Jay Leno)

      MEMOIRS OF G W BUSH

      In his new book, George W. Bush says he's happy to be out of Washington. Well, it's unanimous. (David Letterman)

      President Bush’s memoirs sold 220,000 copies on its first day. The book costs $35. Crayons not included. (Jim Barach)

      George W. Bush has just released his new memoir 'Decision Points.' It's 512 pages long. But to be fair, half those pages are just games and puzzles. In the middle of the book is an Iraq maze which is pretty much impossible to get out of. (Craig Ferguson)

      "'Decision Points' by George W. Bush has dropped, and it's like 'War & Peace' without the peace. Here's the very first page: 'In the last year of my presidency I began to seriously consider writing my memoirs.' Right away he's got you hooked. Did he write them or didn't he? You won't know until you read the book. Maybe the rest of the pages are blank. If there's one thing we've learned it's that we can't believe something is there just because Bush says it is. (Stephen Colbert)

      Former President George W. Bush released a book. Unfortunately, because of his economic policies, no one can afford to buy it. (David Letterman)

      Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, "memoir" is just a fancy word for "a bunch of stuff that happened to me." (Craig Ferguson)

      President Obama said he spends a lot of time thinking about bringing back the 8 million jobs we lost. And in his new book, George Bush says he spends a lot of time thinking about bringing back the show "Wings." (Jimmy Fallon)

      George W. Bush was signing copies of his new memoir 'Decision Points' at a Borders Bookstore yesterday. Did you hear about that? Yeah, when he saw the bookstore, he was like, "I heard about these places, but I never believed they were real. I'm not even wearing special glasses. This is great." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Former president George Bush has a new book out called 'Decision Points.' He's quite candid in this book. He talked about how he and Dick Cheney often clashed because of their different style. For example, Bush liked to shoot from the hip, whereas Cheney liked to shoot people in the face. Two different ways of coming at things. (Jay Leno)

      President Bush says he has a “clean conscience” when it came to recognizing the problems that led to the financial crisis. Which is just slightly different than Wall Street executives, who have no conscience about anything that happened. (Jim Barach)

      George W. Bush did TV interviews all week to publicize his presidential memoir, titled Decision Points. The man has never looked in better form. Whenever George W. Bush looks calm and confident and focused, it's a sure sign that he's drinking again.. (Argus Hamilton)

      George W. Bush was interviewed by Matt Lauer who asked him if he would still invade Iraq if he knew then what he knows now. It's an unfair question. For one thing I don't know if Bush does know what he knows now. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq? (David Letterman)

      Ex-President George W. Bush is coming out with a new book called "Decision Points." Though to Dubya's credit, though, he declined an offer to discuss his decision with Jim Gray on ESPN. (Dwight Perry)

      THE CARNIVAL CRUISE SHIP

      Passengers on the stranded Carnival cruise ship had no power, no food, and no working bathrooms. It was like spending a week with Randy Quaid. (Craig Ferguson)

      Americans are stranded on a cruise ship for two days, and they have to haul in 60,000 pounds of food. Meanwhile, the Chilean miners were underground for 69 days with nothing but a can of tuna fish and they were fine. (Jay Leno)

      A Carnival cruise ship is being towed back to San Diego after being disabled by a fire. Passengers have been getting by on Spam and Pop Tarts. The toilets don’t work and there is no phone service. In other words, it was like vacationing in Alabama. (Jim Barach)

      A Carnival cruise ship was stranded and had to be towed back to land. The ship had no electricity, no hot water, and no air conditioning. If they wanted that, they could have stayed in Mexico. (Jay Leno)

      The 3,000-passenger Carnival Splendor was towed to Ensinada, Mexico after an engine room fire disabled the kitchen. The survivors subsisted on what was left of the Midnight Buffet cut into 3,000 pieces and by licking the water slide. (Bob Mills)

      They finally found a place to put the inmates from Guantanamo Bay: a Carnival cruise ship. (Jay Leno)

      The ship was towed back into San Diego and the cruise line gave passengers a refund and tickets for another cruise. That's like getting food poisoning at a restaurant and then being offered a doggy bag. (Craig Ferguson)

      I feel real bad for those folks who spent most of the week on that Carnival Mexican Cruise ship. It wasn't bad enough with no electricity or water, but at the midnight buffet: a Spam sculpture? (Tim Hunter)

      Relieved passengers on the Carnival Splendor are back on land after three nightmarish days adrift with limited food, backed-up toilets and dark cabins. But all in all, it was better than spending three hours flying on United. (Jake Novak)

      As that disabled Carnival Cruise ship pulled into port in San Diego, passengers watched as the cute native kids dove for chunks of Spam they'd thrown over the railings. (Jerry Perisho)

      THE NEW YORK MARATHON

      This weekend is the New York City Marathon. It's a chance for the best runners in New York to come together — and get crushed by a guy from Nigeria. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The New York City Marathon is very prestigious. In front of the Plaza Hotel, runners will have to hurdle over furniture thrown out by Charlie Sheen. (Craig Ferguson)

      The miner, Edison Pena, ran in the New York City marathon. Big deal, I finished two marathons yesterday — "Golden Girls" and "Roseanne." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME

      With the time change, we gain an extra hour. Do we really need another hour of 2010? (David Letterman)

      Daylight Savings ends this Sunday. If you're confused about when to set your clocks back or ahead, just remember this simple rule: You gain an hour every fall, and you lose an hour every time you watch an episode of "Jersey Shore." (Jimmy Fallon)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Barack Obama used to be known as "Barry." Barry doesn't sound like a president, it sounds like a guy that gets drunk and throws up in the fish tank. (Craig Ferguson)

      One of Obama's childhood friends said he was chubby and ran like a duck. I think that proves he's not Kenyan. That's as American as it gets. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      The Obama Administration is reviewing the Afghanistan war plan. The first thing is finding out if we ever actually had one. (Jim Barach)

      THE CONGRESS

      It looks like John Boehner will be the new speaker of the House. He is the son of a bartender, one of 12 children who grew up in a two-room home with just one bathroom. He worked his way through school and became the first person in his family to graduate from college. Then, sadly, he fell in with the wrong crowd and wound up in Congress. (Jay Leno)

      Presumptive House Speaker John Boehner says he will travel between home and Washington, D.C. on commercial flights. Although he will still fly to corporate-paid junkets and fund raisers on the usual private jets. (Jim Barach)

      Nancy Pelosi says she will seek to become the House minority leader. Who better to be the minority leader than the person who led their party to become the minority. (Jay Leno)

      Several Democratic House members are reportedly pressing Nancy Pelosi to step aside as leader. Should Democrats even bother with a leader? That would be like being the coach of the Clippers. (Jim Barach)

      Nancy Pelosi is throwing a party to celebrate her time as speaker of the House. If you would like to get her a gift, she's registered at Bed, Bath and Don't Blame Me. I'm not sure what kind of a party it will be, but I think we can rule out a tea party. (Jay Leno)

      THE COURTS

      A court has blocked an Oklahoma constitutional amendment forbidding judges to consider International or Islamic law when deciding cases. In the meantime, Oklahoma courts will go back to serving justice provided the mob can find a rope long enough. (Jim Barach)

      Oklahoma was sued by Muslims for banning Islamic law from being used in state courts. The established religion in the Southwest is college football and its legal precedents apply. Texas vs. Switzer is always cited in cases involving poaching, kidnapping across state lines and extension of the statute of limitations for war criminals. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE MILITARY

      The Pentagon says it doesn't know who is responsible for launching a missile off the California coast on Monday. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia can't believe the awesome new video game they just found in the White House. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Pentagon couldn't explain a missile fired off the coast of Los Angeles, believed to be a secret test. The launch was caught by a TV news chopper. We all know the best way to keep a missile secret is to launch it ten miles directly offshore from Mel Gibson's house. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE STATES

      So after the most recent elections, California's senators will be Barbara Boxer, who turns 70 on November 11, and Dianne Feinstein, age 77. And governor-elect Jerry Brown is age 72. Or as John McCain says, "Nice young people, but in these tough times, do they have enough maturity and experience? (Janice Hough)

      In the California gubernatorial election, Jerry Brown spent $7.50 per vote. Meg Whitman spent $43 per vote. Just another example of why you can't trust Republicans to spend responsibly. (Janice Hough)

      Texas Governor Rick Perry blasted Social Security as being a “Ponzi scheme”, yet his own state is $25 Billion in debt. Apparently things will get better once the state receives a payment they have been promised by a Nigerian Prince. (Jim Barach)

      Joe Miller, the (Alaskan) Republican tea party candidate who may have lost to Senator Lisa Murkowski and her write-in campaign, is now filing a lawsuit to invalidate ballots where "Murkowski" was spelled incorrectly. Um, excuse me, if being able to spell correctly was any sort of requirement in politics, this country would never have elected George W. (Janice Hough)

      Alaska GOP Senator Lisa Murkowski sweated out her Senate election vote recount Thursday which required Alaskans to write in her name. The state is ten-to-one mountain men and her future depends on their spelling a Polish name correctly and neatly. At the last count she was trailing in third place behind Joe Miller and Lease a Mexican Jet Ski. (Argus Hamilton)

      A Virginia bill is asking for a special license plate commemorating the Tea Party. It’s for cars that only go backwards. (Jim Barach)

      California pot activists began collecting signatures Friday to place marijuana back on the ballot next election. Millions of marijuana backers showed up at the polls Wednesday to vote for pot legalization. Unfortunately the election was Tuesday. (Argus Hamilton)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Beverly Hills police found a body on the grounds of Hugh Hefner's estate Sunday, believed to be a transient who cut through the fence. There's now a hole in the fence at the Playboy Mansion. The police are looking into it, but they have to wait their turn. (Argus Hamilton)

      A woman gave birth to a healthy baby girl in the back of a New York City cab this week. You could tell the woman wasn't going to make it to the hospital. Her contractions started coming every $4.60. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A Baltimore woman has gone on a hunger strike in order to try to stop her home from being foreclosed. The way most Americans eat, cutting out the food bill should be more than enough to make the house payment. (Jim Barach)

      San Francisco passed a local ordinance Monday that bans McDonald's from giving out toys with Happy Meals. Childhood obesity is at an all-time high in America. That's why the most popular names for boys and girls last year were Big Mac and Little Debbie. (Argus Hamilton)

      The San Francisco Giants got a huge parade on Market Street Wednesday. People threw tons of confetti. The tiny pieces of paper were later swept off the street and converted into pulp and then dried and pounded into socially-responsible Happy Meals. (Argus Hamilton)

      Hundreds of people in Washington, D.C., reported seeing a UFO today. Aliens, if you're searching for intelligent life, you've got the wrong town. (Craig Ferguson)

      DEA agents say they've uncovered a half-mile tunnel that smugglers used to get from Mexico into San Diego. The tunnel was so long, experts say, even the Dallas Cowboys couldn't see any light at the end of it. (Dwight Perry)

      Police in San Diego have uncovered a huge smuggling tunnel under the border with Mexico containing 25 tons of marijuana, and a couple of very stoned Chilean miners. (Craig Ferguson)

      A 71-year-old man fishing in the Hudson River off a pier in Jersey City, N.J., reeled in the catch of the day - for the cops - when he hooked a. 32-caliber handgun partially covered in duct tape and barnacles. Now the local police and prosecutor's office, gun in hand, hope to land a big one that got away. (Dwight Perry)

      An Albuquerque man stopped a fleeing burglar just like Bill Walsh would've drawn it up by picking up a nearby jack-o-lantern and conking the perp in the head with a well-placed throw. In other words, he changed a fly pattern to a down-and-out. (Dwight Perry)

      Charleston, SC has been named the friendliest city in the US. After hookers in Charleston drug you and steal your wallet, they always straighten up your motel room. (Jerry Perisho)

      Travel + Leisure Magazine says L.A. is the worst city for friendliness and intelligence. All I have to say to that is, "Go to hell," and "Uh... " (Craig Ferguson)

      In a survey of 35 cities, Los Angeles ranked second-to-last in intelligence. Residents of L. A. were outraged after the report was slowly explained to them. (Conan O'Brien)

      According to a survey, New York City is the most stressful place to live. I was saying the same thing this morning to my bartender. (David Letterman)

      Mayor Bloomberg has now declared a war on soup and already, the crack dealers have switched to chowder. (David Letterman)

      A man in Kentucky cut off another man's beard and forced him to eat it during a fight. In a related story, I'm staying the heck out of Kentucky. (Conan O'Brien)

      A runner collided with a deer during a high-school cross-country meet in Wisconsin. The deer was listed as a Jane Doe. (Bill Littlejohn)

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      Republicans fresh off their victory on Election Day say their first priority will be to dismantle the new health care law. And believe me, there's nothing people without a job love more than less health care. (Jay Leno)

      Hey, how come all the politicians commercials and automatic phone calls have suddenly stopped? They said they cared about me. I suddenly feel like those politicians only cared about my vote. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Jeb Bush was reported Thursday to be seriously considering a run for president in two years. The man is motivated. He's heading up to Kennebunkport for Thanksgiving and he's tired of sitting at the folding table with the people who haven't been president. (Argus Hamilton)

      Hillary Clinton says she will not run for president. Your move, Brett Favre. (David Letterman)

      Meg Whitman, running for governor of California, spent $140 million and still couldn't win the big one. On the bright side, it'll look good on the resume when she applies for the job of Mets GM. (Dwight Perry)

      In an interview with USA Today, George W. Bush said that he was "blindsided" by the financial crisis. Bush said he was also blindsided by the fact that he knew the word "blindsided." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Former first lady Laura Bush used to be a librarian. Coincidentally, she's the only thing George W. Bush ever checked out at the library. (David Letterman)

      George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he doesn't have to think all the time. That was him thinking all the time? (David Letterman)

      Sarah Palin has a show about Alaska premiering Sunday. I was starting to worry that she's underexposed. (David Letterman)

      While appearing in Dallas with Governor Rick Perry, Sarah Palin started her talk by telling family stories, while saying they were stories she had told before. And she stated "I need to run for office just so I have more material to share in my speeches" Uh, couldn't Palin also have gotten more material by finishing out her last elected term? (Janice Hough)

      I like it when politicians spend time where they grew up. During the Bush administration, Dick Cheney would often take trips back to the Death Star. (Craig Ferguson)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      China is expected to overtake the United States as the world's biggest economy in the next two years. Americans couldn't believe it. They were like "That hasn't happened already?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Certificates of Deposit interest rates have fallen below 1% for the first time since the 1950s. As have the percentage of Americans who actually have money to put in the bank. (Jim Barach)

      The CDC says that 59 Million Americans are without health insurance, up four million over the last two years. Apparently many are considered to have the pre-existing condition that disqualify them from policies. Not enough money. (Jim Barach)

      China is accusing the U.S. of weakening the dollar so it won’t have to pay off its debt. If that’s the case, our economists are brilliant. Run up a $14 Trillion debt then drop the value to where we send them a few cases of beer and call it even (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Amazon.com is under fire for selling a book about pedophilia. If you think that's bad, you should see what Amazon says buyers of the book might also like. (Conan O'Brien)

      Amazon is no longer selling a controversial guide for pedophiles. Apparently perverts are now just told to enroll on Myspace. (Jim Barach)

      Amazon is buying Diapers.com. So, the next time Amazon's share values take a big dump, they'll be ready. (Jerry Perisho)

      Northern California's city by the bay has become the first in the nation to ban toys in McDonalds Happy Meals. And none too soon. One San Francisco McDonalds was about to include boy toys. (Bob Mills)

      Burger King has launched a line of gourmet coffees. You can get a latte or a mocha. All you have to do is tell the teen behind the counter you want a cappuccino. (Alan Ray)

      Las Vegas casinos are ignoring a smoking ban in public buildings that went into effect four years ago. Apparently casinos don’t feel they fall into the public building sector since the mob is still family owned and operated. (Jim Barach)

      A Starbucks store in Seattle is experimenting with offering beer and wine. Their accountants discovered that if they use the same profit margin they apply to their coffee, a long-neck Bud would go for $29.95. (Bob Mills)

      Victoria's Secret has unveiled a $2 million dollar bra that is encrusted with diamonds, topaz and sapphires. Personally, I just couldn't get excited about any underwear described as encrusted. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Wal-Mart is offering free shipping for any items bought online. The biggest attraction is that people can shop without having to go into or be seen at Wal-Mart. (Jim Barach)

      Wal Mart is planning an online university for its employees. It will have a unique curriculum. The class, Good Customer Service, will be taught under the category Ancient History. (Alan Ray

      A study says the worst fast food meals for children come from Taco Bell, Wendy’s, McDonald’s, Sonic, KFC, Burger King and Dairy Queen. Which means all those other fast food places are still OK. (Jim Barach)

      Lindsay Lohan tells Vanity Fair Magazine that she'll debut a new couture clothing line this fall. "Lindsay's Therapy Threads" will include separate outfits color-coordinated for each of the 12 steps, accessorized with a solid platinum ankle alarm bracelet from Tiffany. (Bob Mills)

      The Armani underwear campaign featuring David Beckham was so hugely successful that Becks has decided to launch his own line of mens briefs. Fans wish him well in his new undertaking. (RJ Currie)

      Wendy’s is introducing new french fries that include the potato skin. Mostly because it saves time, causes less waste and Wendy’s knows if they fry something and add enough salt Americans will eat it. (Jim Barach)

      Sara Lee is selling its bread business making Grupo Bimbo the largest baker in the U.S. Isn’t “Grupo Bimbo” the Latin term for girls who date rock stars? (Jim Barach)

      Pre-stamped greeting cards may be tested at the Post Office this year. The only problem with pre-stamped cards is that by the time you get them home and send them out, the price of postage has gone up again. (Jim Barach)

      The Jones Soda Company has come up with a bacon-flavored soft drink. And, when Lady Gaga wears her bacon-soda dress, she can truly say, "The drinks are on me!" (Frank King)

      A company in Seattle just came out with a new bacon-flavored soda. So if you love the taste of bacon and you love the taste of soda, you're about to realize how much you love them separately. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Former BP CEO Tony Hayward says the company was unprepared for the Gulf oil spill. Mainly just the parts of stopping the spill, cleaning up the oil and taking responsibility. (Jim Barach)

      Ralph Nader is seeking a delay for GM’s public stock offering. He says that taxpayers could lose billions of dollars in the deal. Even more if they are among the people who are actually going to buy GM stock. (Jim Barach)

      General Motors has retired their beloved Mr. Goodwrench who's been sent to Miami's "Easy Living" 'Toon Retirement Village where he'll join long-term residents the Man From Glad, Mr. Clean, and the Tidy Bowl Man. (Bob Mills)

      TRAVEL & TRANSPORTATION

      Travelers can now get flu shots at JFK Airport. That's good, because whenever I see how things are run at an airport, my first thought is, "These people should be in charge of more stuff." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Jimmy Buffett has a cruise, and he doesn't even go on it. That's like going to see Hootie & the Blowfish and just getting Blowfish. (Craig Ferguson)

      JetBlue is appointing retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal to its board of directors. That's who I want looking for my missing luggage, the guy who's been trying to find bin Laden for 10 years. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A report says that airlines are adding seat capacity to U.S. flights of about 3%. On top of that they have their hidden charges which have jacked up the price of flying about 20%. (Jim Barach)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      An Illinois woman is accused of attacking a policeman with a sex toy. She's charged with assault and three D-sized batteries. (Jerry Perisho)

      TERRORISM & SECURITY

      Homeland Security increased airport security on Monday after last week's terrorist activity. TSA screeners are ordered to pat passengers' breasts and genitals with an open hand. So far the order has produced five thousand complaints and ten million job applicants. (Argus Hamilton)

      Under the TSA's new guidelines, palm-backward pat-down searches are now allowed on clothed breasts and genitalia. That's all male travelers need to hear from a smart-mouth female screener, a backhanded compliment. (Bob Mills)

      So now there's al-Qaida in Yemen. These guys have more franchises than "The Real Housewives." (David Letterman)

      NASA & SPACE

      NASA is working on a robot capable of running the International Space Station. It was reported in the Journal of Things That Could Never Possibly Go Wrong. (Conan O'Brien)

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN

      One of the Chilean miners is known to be an Elvis impersonator. I'm guessing he was voted most likely to be eaten first. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      Britain's Queen Elizabeth II has joined Facebook. She's the most famous British queen to join since Elton John. (Jerry Perisho)

      84-year-old Queen Elizabeth has joined Facebook. Oh, I hope she'll Farmville with me! (Tim Hunter)

      Britain's Prince William is reportedly engaged to his long-time girlfriend. It's a big step up from her previous status: peasant with benefits. (Conan O'Brien)

      EUROPE

      Vowing to outdo Catholics in Rio, Polish Catholics erected the tallest statue of Christ the Redeemer in the world. Next, they'll challenge the Vatican with a portrait of The Last Supper that includes the maitre de. (Bob Mills)

      Italy's ancient wonders are beginning to crumble: Nero's Golden Palace in Rome, the frescoed house in Pompeii, Sophia Loren. (Jerry Perisho)

      German health researchers say they've created an easy chair that emits an annoying sound telling you it's time to get out of your seat and go take a walk. Not to be outdone, TSN renewed the contract of Pierre McGuire. (RJ Currie)

      THE FAR EAST

      A Napalese cell phone server has installed a tower near the summit of Mt. Everest so climbers can keep in touch with their loved ones. In fact, they offer several unique features such as 'call scaling' and 'Sherpa ID'. (Bob Mills)

      Apple just launched its online store in China. Apple said this is an exciting opportunity to sell iPods to the kids who make them. (Conan O'Brien)

      Plans are being finalized for a long-awaited Disney theme park in Shanghai. New characters joining the familiar gang will include Mickey Mao, Peking Duck and an eighth dwarf, Noodles. (Bob Mills)

      Disney just signed a deal to build a Disneyland theme park in Shanghai. It's just like ours, only in China, Goofy and Pluto are items at the concession stand. (Jimmy Fallon)

      INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

      The White House announced the sale Sunday of thirty Boeing passenger airliners to India. How these jumbo liners get off the ground and stay in the air defies gravity. Each plane weighs two hundred thousand pounds, and that's without any Americans on it. (Argus Hamilton)

      AUSTRALIA & OCEAN ISLANDS

      New Zealand's Prime Minister John Phillip Key accidentally referred to Hillary Clinton as President Clinton at their joint news conference down in Wellington Friday. It got everybody's attention. Two years ago he told everybody to buy Apple.. (Argus Hamilton)

      SCIENCE

      Chinese computer scientists have developed a high-speed memory chip capable of 2,500 trillion calculations per second. Only stumped once, it's been unable to correctly identify any of Nancy Pelosi's original facial characteristics. (Bob Mills)

      Scientists have discovered a species of bush cricket has the largest testicles in relation to its body weight. That screeching noise is not his legs rubbing. He just hit his balls on a door knob. (Alan Ray)

      Scientists have revealed the secret of how cats drink, drawing up a thin column of liquid when they lap water. Is that our most pressing need for scientists? Apparently that cancer thing and the national debt can just wait for the more important research. (Jim Barach)

      HEALTH

      A new study says 1 in 10 kids has ADHD. Doctors say that drugs are the best short term solution. For their parents. (Alan Ray)

      A study says that tonsil surgery may not help kids to stop bedwetting, as previously thought. If your doctor is recommending tonsil surgery as a cure for bedwetting, be careful when he puts on a rubber glove to treat your sore throat. (Jim Barach)

      University of Chicago researchers have found that sleeping more can help you lose weight. How many guys are going to jump on this one? "Honey, I'm not sitting on the couch all weekend, I'm dieting." (Jay Leno)

      Doctors say they are close to making STD tests available through cell phones. Apparently when you look up “Chlamydia” there is already an app for that. (Jim Barach)

      Hospitals are reporting that using detailed checklists for surgery can cut deaths in half. The new checklist is in additional to the previous checklist of whether the patient has insurance, how much is in their bank account and their credit rating (Jim Barach)

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      A study of whales off the coast of Mexico suggests that the hole in the ozone layer is giving them sunburns. Imagine thousands of enormous George Hamiltons swimming around in the ocean. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Isn't fall in New York City great? The colors are brown, gold, and orange. And that's just John Boehner's face. (David Letterman)

      SPORTS

      The Dallas Cowboys have fired head coach Wade Phillips. The defense reacted to the front office news the way they play each Sunday. They didn't try to stop anybody. (Alan Ray)

      Cowboys owner Jerry Jones fired Wade Phillips just one week after saying Wade would finish the year as coach. Apparently Jones didn't mention that he celebrates the New Year on Nov. 7. (Budd Bailey)

      Some people suspect Florida coach Urban Meyer of being the source of allegations surrounding Auburn quarterback Cam Newton. If true, would that make Meyer an alleGator? (RJ Currie)

      Six-year old filly phenom Zenyatta failed to win the Breeders Cup Classic by a nose, falling short of a perfect 20-0 record before retiring. She's headed for the glue factory, but on a brighter note, the Super Glue factory. (Bob Mills)

      The Texas Rangers won only one game in five against the San Francisco Giants. That's still a better winning percentage than the Dallas Cowboys. (Janice Hough)

      Dallas Cowboys fans who visit the team's website were out of luck for a couple days. According to the Dallas Morning News, the team forgot to renew the dallascowboys.com domain, and the site was left blank. It's that attention to detail that has made the Cowboys what they are today. (Janice Hough)

      The National Hockey League is changing its All-Star Game format again, with fans voting for the starters and two designated captains choosing up sides after that, just like we used to do in P. E. class. So what's up next, shirts and skins? (Dwight Perry)

      North Korea has been banned from gymnastics competition at the 2012 Olympics after international officials discovered that one performer listed three birth years - 1985, 1986 and 1989 - on registration forms the past eight years. Apparently the judges refused to throw out the high and low numbers. (Dwight Perry)

      New York Jets former hostess Jenn Sterger changed her mind for the third time Monday and agreed to discuss Brett Favre's sex texts with the NFL office. It's obvious why Brett's attracted to her. (Argus Hamilton)

      A video of a Corpus Christi school quarterback casually strolling over the line before sprinting 68 yards for a touchdown went viral this week. It's the most talked about quarterback sneak since Brett Favre texted Jenn Sterger. (RJ Currie)

      The Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird may actually star in his own biopic. You know who else would be good in that role? Any horse. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Mets clubhouse manager Charlie Samuels admits he placed wagers on baseball games. If he bet on the Mets, that is punishment enough. (Torben Rolfsen)

      The top three signs it's CFL playoff time in Canada. 3. The Maple Leafs are falling; 2. Watermelon sales are climbing; 1. The Bombers are hibernating. (RJ Currie)

      TMZ reports that Hulk Hogan is getting married to his 35-year-old fianceé Jennifer McDaniel. Take it from me, the fights in a wrestling ring are nothing compared to those in a wedding ring. (RJ Currie)

      On November 13, Cowboys' Stadium in Arlington, Texas will host Manny Pacquiao fighting Antonio Margarito for the WBC super welterweight title. For local sports fans who have been watching the Rangers and Cowboys, this may be the first time this month they can cheer for some real hits. (Janice Hough)

      Jets kicker Nick Folk didn't know that his overtime FG had beaten the Lions, admitting that he thought that the Lions would get possession if he made the kick. Meanwhile, the NFL is investigating to see if during the game Folk had been exchanging texts with Donovan McNabb. (Bill Littlejohn)

      ATHLETES

      Heisman Trophy favorite Cam Newton faced evidence Tuesday of selling his talents for six figures to SEC schools. It's really sad. If only he'd gone to USC he could have become the first Trojan in history to return the Heisman Trophy before he even won it. (Argus Hamilton)

      Auburn quarterback Cam Newton apparently was caught cheating at the University of Florida in 2008 before he transferred to a junior college. Newton allegedly turned in a paper written by another student, and when caught, replaced it with one purchased off the internet. This is shocking news. Florida football players have classes that require writing papers? (Janice Hough)

      The latest allegations have Newton telling a Mississippi State recruiter that the Auburn "money was too much." Who knew that one of the main differences between the NFL and NCAA football might be that the NFL has a salary cap. (Janice Hough)

      Fifty years ago Thursday, Wilt Chamberlain scored 44 points in a victory over the Detroit Pistons while also setting an NBA record by missing all 10 of his free throws. "Shaquille O'Neal broke the record in 2000, going 0 for 11. (Jerry Crowe)

      In Sunday's win over the Arizona Cardinals, Minnesota Vikings QB, Brett Favre threw for a career high 445 yards. Not only does Favre still got it, he'll take a picture of it and send it to you (Alex Kaseberg)

      At the Minnesota Vikings, Brett Favre missed practice Wednesday because of his ankle. Favre would like his doctor to look at his ankle, but his doctor is out of town. If only there was some way Favre could send a picture of his swollen joint (Alex Kaseberg)

      Knicks star Eddy Curry reportedly is being sued for a $200,000 loan he can't pay because he has no money. Meanwhile, reports say Heidi Montag owes $2 Million in taxes and is near bankruptcy. Of the two, I'm more surprised at hearing Heidi is flat broke. (RJ Currie)

      John Daly's claims he played better while drunk. If heavy drinking really made you a better golfer, we'd have nine-time Masters champ Charlie Sheen. (Brad Dickson)

      Chad Pennington replaced Chad Henne as Dolphins quarterback. It looks like Florida is back to examining its Chads. (Jerry Perisho)

      DANCING WITH THE STARS

      I don't know if you guys saw this, but Bristol Palin made it to the semifinals of "Dancing with the Stars" last night. I'm not saying Bristol is going to win, but if there's one thing she's known for, it's going all the way. So I would put my money, put it all on Bristol Palin. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Well, Bristol Palin may not be the most talented on Dancing with the Stars, but at least she has proven she's not a clone of her mother. The competition is more than halfway over, and Bristol hasn't quit yet. (Janice Hough)

      We'll start with the shocking events on 'Dancing with the Stars.' Once again, Bristol Palin, despite the fact again she had the lowest score, lives to dance another week and instead quarterback Kurt Warner becomes the latest moose to find himself in the Palin cross hairs. Who knew Bristol Palin was the most popular person on television. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Many people connected with "Dancing with the Stars" cannot believe Bristol Palin is still in the competition. It's not just that she's not a great dancer, it's that they figured that like her mom, she'd quit half way through and declare victory. (Janice Hough)

      What if Bristol Palin wins 'Dancing with the Stars?' How afraid can America be of her mother? She can't dance. She's not a star. The only part of the show that applies to her is the 'with the.' I wouldn't have believed that a dancing competition could make me question whether I really live in a democracy or not. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      Another Harry Potter movie is out November 19. He goes to a school where a person can excel in class if he performs magic outside class. Sort of like being on the Auburn football squad. (Alan Ray)

      The Disney Channel canceled the Jonas Brothers' TV show. Even worse, they had Goofy deliver the news. (Craig Ferguson)

      "Sesame Street" celebrated its 41st birthday. I don't want to say "Sesame Street" is getting old, but today it was brought to you by the letters E.D. (Jimmy Fallon)

      "Sesame Street" just turned 41 years old. Before "Sesame Street," the only way kids could learn was from books. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Before the Muppets, our forefathers had to catch and gut possums to entertain their children. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The film "127 Hours" is out. It's the story of how long Sarah Palin was considered a viable presidential candidate. (Jerry Perisho)

      At movie theaters screening "127 Hour" there are reports of screaming, vomiting and passing out; it's like the fans at the Cowboy game. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Skyline” is out in theaters this week. The Los Angeles area is invaded by an extraterrestrial force no one has ever seen. They’re not driving and talking on their cell phones. (Alan Ray)

      ENTERTAINERS

      Snoop Dogg, the rapper not the congressman, is hoping to open a chain of what he calls "snooper-markets." Just because you can make your name into a pun doesn't mean you have to build a business around it. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      On Tuesday, 88-year-old Betty White was made an honorary forest ranger by the U. S. Forest Service. Unfortunately, shortly after Betty said, "There may be snow on the roof, but there's fire in the furnace," she was mauled by Smokey the Bear. (Frank King)

      Charlie Sheen told "Extra" He just had a bad night. In a fancy New York suite with a porn star is a bad night? What's a good night for Charlie? Locked in a Viagra factory with the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders? (Alex Kaseberg)

      Charlie Sheen and his wife are apparently getting a divorce. Did something happen? (David Letterman)

      Lil Wayne has been hit with a paternity suit. He just got out of jail after serving a sentence for gun possession. Apparently Lil Wayne can never be accused of shooting blanks. (Jim Barach)

      It's rumored that Sally Field is going to be in the next "Spider-Man" movie. This is the one where Spider-Man fights his old nemesis, decreased bone density. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Sixties teeny-bop throb David Cassidy was arrested and charged with a DUI. After being booked, the cops gave him one phone call and out of habit, he called Florence Henderson. (Bob Mills)

      In their biggest debut ever, wax statues of Lady Gaga will be unveiled simultaneously in eight Madame Tussaud's locations throughout the world. All will be in museums except the U. S. which will be in an Armor Star meat packing plant. (Bob Mills)

      Lady Gaga went to a yoga class in London this week wearing platform boots, sunglasses, and a dress. You'd think that would be pretty impractical, but she totally nailed the position "Downward-Facing Weirdo." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Butch Patrick, who played Eddie on the 60's show the Munsters, has checked into a New Jersey rehab clinic. He blames his long, long struggle with drugs and alcohol on two things: 2. Being a child star; 1. Being a Nets fan. (RJ Currie)

      Mel Gibson's former girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva was placed under investigation for extortion for taping Mel's rants with a microphone hidden in a diamond earring and then demanding money. It's changed dating protocols in L.A. Couples here now wait until the third date before they come home together and go over each other with a security wand.. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE MEDIA

      Keith Olbermann was suspended from MSNBC for giving money to Democratic candidates. If only he had given his money to prostitutes, like Eliot Spitzer, he would have a primetime show on CNN. (Jay Leno)

      Former sportscaster and nightly poli-commentator Keith Olbermann has been canned by MSNBC. Keith had been on thin ice for quite awhile, ever since he included Mother Teresa on his "Worst Person in the World" list. (Bob Mills)

      Former President George W. Bush was on "Oprah." When asked about being the leader of the free world, Oprah said, "It's not bad." (Conan O'Brien)

      THE INTERNET AND BLOGGERS

      A report says online dating is growing. The initial hookups can be awkward, clumsy, and superficial. Or, as the Kardashians like to call it, a pre-engagement. (Alan Ray)

      Facebook now has 200 million mobile users. Many are connecting to others in their cars. Starting with rear end collisions. (Alan Ray)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Supermodel Naomi Campbell will marry Russian billionaire Vladimir Doronin in December. It won’t be your traditional wedding. Instead of rice, they’ll throw cell phones. (Alan Ray)

      It's Carl Sagan's birthday. I think Carl Sagan would have been proud of the way we continue to search for aliens. Except for you, Arizona. (Craig Ferguson)

      Former star of "The Bachelor," Jake Pavelka, is back to flying planes for Delta Airlines. And his former fiancé Vienna is back to making little sausages. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      EDUCATION

      In a study involving 56 countries, the U. S. placed 31st in producing students with advanced math skills. Responded former President George W. Bush, "Well, at least we were in the top half." (Janice Hough)

      A kindergarten teacher in Florida was arrested for trafficking Oxycodone. Other teachers became suspicious when she had the only class in school with a six-hour naptime. (Jimmy Fallon)

      HISTORY

      It's the 115th anniversary of the X-Ray. That means for 114 years guys in San Francisco have been saying; "Doc, I swear I have no idea how that got up there." (Alex Kaseberg)

      Sports inventor James Naismith's handwritten "Rules of the Game of Basketball" are on the auction block. There are a few surprises like Rule #10 which reads: "Married players caught fooling around must give their wife a diamond ring." (Bob Mills)

      HOLIDAYS

      An Oregon couple have been criticized for handing out condoms to Halloween Trick or Treaters. When people are giving out condoms on Halloween, you have to wonder what kind of tricks are soliciting business at your door. (Jim Barach)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      Teens who text more than 120 a day also have a lot of sex. Texting while having sex has replaced noticing that the ceiling needs painting. (Jerry Perisho)

      Oh, and did you know this is fraud awareness week? Fraud awareness week comes the week after the election when people realize the person they elected is a huge fraud. (Jay Leno)

      Andy Warhol's painting of a Coke bottle sold for $34 million. They say it's a great conversation piece but what kind of conversation is inspired by a giant painting of a Coke bottle? "Do you have a big painting of a glass with some ice?" (Craig Ferguson)

      GAMES & LIFE STYLE

      The Xbox Kinect is out. Like, the Wii, it’s considered more challenging than traditional video consoles. Many of the games require the players to get up off their asses. (Alan Ray)

      SURVEYS, POLLS & STUDIES

      A study says that people’s minds wander 47% of the time. So texting and driving at the same time are dangerous enough, and now we find out people are only concentrating only half the time when they are doing that. (Jim Barach)

      According to a new study, an estimated 35% of food in the US is thought to go to waste. Another 5% is thought to go to Jamarcus Russell's waist. (RJ Currie)

      The use of profanity on broadcast television is up 69 percent in the last few years. That should level off once Oprah steps down. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A new study found that kids who use the Internet right before bed are likely to suffer mood problems. And kids who don't use the Internet right before bed are Amish. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A study says that people are happiest when they are having sex, exercising and talking to other people. No wonder Trekkies always look so serious. (Jim Barach)

      OTHER

      An American Kennel Club poll said Thursday the Labrador Retriever is America's favorite dog. Which type varies by region. The favorite breed in New England is the Red Lab, the favorite out West is the Silver Lab, and the most popular in the South is the Meth Lab.. (Argus Hamilton)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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