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Weakly Humerus News 11-06-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-06-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Christine O Donnell experimented with sorcery, which some people find charming.
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 6, 2010
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-06-10
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE


      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Christine O'Donnell experimented with sorcery, which some people find charming. (Gary Hallock)

      Despite being caught paying $300 for a prostitute David Vitter easily won reelection. Voters respected his fiscal conservatism, paying only $300, compared to liberal Eliot Spitzer who paid $5,000. That's a $4,700 savings to the taxpayers right there. (Jay Leno)

      Barry Bonds says he'd like to get into coaching because he has a gift and wants to share it. Geez, talk abouit having a big head. (Molly Freedman)

      Not only did Meg Whitman lose, now she can't find anybody to clean her house. (Jay Leno)

      The Democrats lost the House. Big deal, a lot of Americans lost their houses. Why shouldn't they? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Finally, the 2010 elections are over and we can get started on the campaign for 2012. (Craig Ferguson)

      Tuesday night Americans completely rejected the efforts of a charismatic African American who was trying to do the best he could. Rick Fox was voted off 'Dancing with the Stars. (Jay Leno)

      Obama's polygamist half-brother in Kenya married his third wife but has nothing on Barack, who opponents say is screwing our whole country. (Scott Witt)

      A speed rollerskater at the Inline World Championships in Guarne, Columbia, began celebrating his victory coming out of the last turn only to be passed at the finish line. Call it an embarrassing case of premature jock elation. (RJ Currie)

      If hosting the World Series doesn't make Dallas a baseball town, the Dallas Cowboys just might. (Argus Hamilton)

      During the World Series in San Francisco, did you see the stand up paddle boarders in McCovey Cove? It's a surfboard you stand up on and paddle. Don't confuse this with the democrats in congress. They're up the creek without a paddle. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Brazil elected its first woman president. She defeated her opponent so soundly that they're calling it a Brazilian waxing. (Jerry Perisho)

      Federal investigators have stopped a man named Farooq Ahmed from a terrorist plot against the DC Metro system. You hear about this? Where he planned to bring Washington, DC to a stand still. Hey, you're a little late, okay? After two years of Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, John Boehner and Mitch McConnell, we're already there. All right? Mission accomplished. (Jay Leno)

      THE ELECTION

      Our forefathers fought and died for our right to choose, and to honor them, today almost 12% of us went out and voted. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Election Day is Tuesday. Voters have a real choice, whether to return the same self-indulgent, immoral, and beholden politicians or send new self-indulgent, immoral, and beholden politicians. (Alan Ray)

      The final poll before Election Day shows that 55 percent of Americans plan to vote for Republicans, while 40 percent plan to vote for Democrats. I guess Obama is finally going to get that change he was talking about. (Jimmy Fallon)

      It seems most experts are predicting that Republicans will win back the House tomorrow. When Americans heard that they were like, "Wait, we can win back our houses?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      The election was horrible for Democrats but wonderful for moving companies in the D. C. area. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Republicans are in charge now. We all remember how well that worked last time. (David Letterman)

      All year long, the Democrats were telling people to "get out and vote." Then people told the Democrats, "We voted, now get out!" (Jay Leno)

      Tuesday's vote was a conservative rout by the end of the day. Sarah Palin is said to be so excited she can't even make up the words to express how thrilled she is. (Argus Hamilton)

      Republicans won big on election day. They say their two big priorities are cutting taxes and reducing the debt. Which is sort of like wanting to lose weight and win 'Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.' (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Democrats were beaten severely about the head and shoulders on Election Day. You can't sugarcoat it, but you can crawl up into the fetal position and eat leftover Halloween candy until you get a really bad stomach ache. (Frank King)

      You can tell it's winter. The Democrats have gone into hibernation. (David Letterman)

      In Washington, D.C., volunteers were washing the mud off Democrats and releasing them back into the wild. (David Letterman)

      All of the election coverage was constantly being interrupted by the computers, updates, and text messages from Brett Favre. (Craig Ferguson)

      Responding to last night’s election returns, Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio) told reporters, “I’m so stoked I just turned the tanning bed up to eleven.” But former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin struck a more somber note, saying that despite several key victories, “it was a tough night for Tea Party voters because it involved so much math.” (Andy Borowitz)

      In Jackson County, WV, machines have actually changed votes, which would explain why candidate Error 404 Page Not Found is headed to the House of Representatives. (Stephen Colbert)

      THE CANDIDATES

      Long-time NBA player Chris Dudley was edged out in a tight race for Oregon governor. After checking Dudley's career free throw stats, I'm thinking he lost points going to the party line. (RJ Currie)

      Oh, poor, Meg Whitman. She's losing badly. This week we found out that one of her sons was accused of date rape. And we also found out that Jan Brewer, the Governor of Arizona, one of her sons also in a mental hospital for rape. I don't want to judge these women by their children, but Christine O'Donnell's magic army of flying monkeys is looking pretty good. (Bill Maher)

      Political newcomer Rick Scott spent $73 million of his own money and won the Governor's race in Florida. Looks like Meg Whitman, for all her Ebay experience, bid on the wrong state. (Janice Hough)

      Christine O'Donnell lost her election by 20 percent. She's planning to retire to her house in the country where she'll lure children with candy and gingerbread.In a brief concession speech, she said 'I'm melting. (Craig Ferguson)

      Although many of her Republican colleagues were elected to the House, Christine O'Donnell ended up underneath it, with her feet curled up. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Delaware Tea Party Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell blamed her defeat on Republican cannibalism. It was a close call for all concerned. The Republican Party is on the run from the Tea Party and the Tea Party is on the run from the Donner Party. (Argus Hamilton)

      Christine O'Donnell, after losing her election in Delaware, said "Our voices were heard." In your head, lady. (David Letterman)

      We are calling the West Virginia Senate race for Democrat Joe Manchin in a landslide. Now, technically, it's only 11 points, but given West Virginia's rich tradition of mining coal by blowing the tops off of mountains, pretty much everything that happens in that state is a landslide. (Stephen Colbert)

      In the Kentucky Senate race, Rand Paul has been declared the victor. Rand Paul is a libertarian and a staunch opponent of regulation of any kind. So congratulations, Kentucky, your state bird is now a can of lead paint. (Stephen Colbert)

      Here's a great way to scare Californians this Halloween. Remind them that our choice for governor is Meg Whitman or Jerry Brown. (Jay Leno)

      What she (Meg Whitman) should have done with the 142 million was make a 'Terminator' movie. That's how our current Governor did it! (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Russ Feingold was defeated for having progressive values. In Louisiana, David Vitter has absolutely destroyed his challenger by going out with hookers. (Jon Stewart)

      HALLOWEEN

      Halloween is the day the dead walk among the living. Kind of like the Democrats were doing in House of Representatives after the election. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A study finds Halloween is the biggest time of the year for candy consumption, accounting for about 5 percent of all candy eaten during the year. But it's not just the kids: the typical parents eat one candy bar out of every two their kids bring home from trick-or-treating. One dietician suggests giving away excess candy to senior centers. Yeah, donate the candy you don't want to senior centers! People with dentures love taffy! (The Comedy Wire)

      I'm looking forward to Halloween, seeing all the monsters and the nightmarish imagery. Then I'll turn off the campaign ads and wait for the trick-or-treaters. (Craig Ferguson)

      I don't like when people make their lawns into graveyards with zombies writhing around on the ground. If I want to see a scary creature twisted on the ground, I'd throw David Hasselhoff a hamburger. (Craig Ferguson)

      I hate the stupid games you have to play on Halloween, like bobbing for apples. Or, as Dick Cheney used to call it, "apple-boarding." (David Letterman)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      The president is going to India. He’ll be traveling on Air Force One-Term. (David Letterman)

      President Obama will be traveling to India. After Tuesday’s election, he decided to move there. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      India is famous for its Darjeeling tea, but President Obama won’t be interested in tea parties of any kind. (Craig Ferguson)

      Rumors say Obama's India trip will cost $2 billion, but it'll really save money. As his recovery plans fail, he'll have tech support nearby. (Scott Witt)

      Obama lost 66 Democrats — and not one of them was Joe Biden. (Jay Leno)

      Voters didn't like how President Obama was handling the economy. Wait a minute — he was handling the economy? (David Letterman)

      President Obama sent out an e-mail encouraging his supporters to take at least three friends with them to vote. That's not how people vote — that's how women go to the bathroom. (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama went on Ryan Seacrest's radio show to talk about the state of the country. If you want to hear the whole interview, you can find it online. And if you just want highlights, talk to Seacrest — he has a salon that he swears by. (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE CONGRESS

      All his life people have called John Boehner 'Boner,' and now America is going to pay. It's the reason his brother Dick stayed out of politics altogether. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Ohio Republican John Boehner will take over for Nancy Pelosi. Those are some big eyes to fill. (Jay Leno)

      John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation. (Stephen Colbert)

      Republican Congressman John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. This means all D. C. area tanning salons are now officially considered federal property. (Jake Novak)

      John Boehner promises an era of limited government and more powerful tanning beds. (Jerry Perisho)

      John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. It is the highest elected office ever to be reached by an Orange-American. (Olivia Munn)

      GOP House leader John Boehner slammed President Obama Monday for referring to Republicans as enemies of Hispanics. He was furious. John Boehner loves Hispanics so much that he has an open account at three tanning salons so he can look more like one. (Argus Hamilton)

      Senator Tom Coburn reported Friday the U.S. government sent one billion dollars to dead people in the last ten years for Social Security payments, medical expenses, rent, wheelchairs and farm subsidies. It includes a hundred million on medicine prescribed by dead doctors for dead patients. It's a disgrace the way Congress panders to Chicago voters. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE COURTS

      A court has reinstated the military's Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy even though another court struck it down a few weeks ago, which means it's time for some soldiers to implement a policy called Just Kidding. Gay soldiers are going, "What’s going on? I haven’t been this confused since high school." (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Supreme Court refused to stay an execution because the chemicals in the lethal injection are imported from Europe, ruling that socialized medicine's chemicals are usually better than ours for killing people. (Bob Mills)

      THE STATES

      Oklahoma voters elected their first woman governor Tuesday and they banned any use of Islamic law in Oklahoma courts. Local rules apply. No woman in Oklahoma will be stoned for committing adultery unless she gets caught in a hailstorm during Ramadan. (Argus Hamilton)

      In Tuesday's elections, voters in Oklahoma overwhelmingly chose English as their official language. They hope to begin speaking it soon. (Jake Novak)

      Thousands of marijuana enthusiasts went to the polls this morning in California to support Prop 19. Unfortunately, the election was the day before. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Supporters of Prop 19 believed the new law would have raised billions of dollars in tax revenue and created thousands of jobs for people to be too stoned to show up to. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Prop 19, the California proposition to legalize marijuana lost. The proponents are all so sad today. If only there were some substance that could make them laugh again. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Calif. Gov. Schwarzenegger banned state-issued welfare debit cards from being used on psychics. My psychic said, "Wow, I did not see that coming!" (Jerry Perisho)

      LOCAL NEWS

      San Francisco became the first city to ban giving away free toys to children with their unhealthy meals. It's just as well; those little LA Dodgers figurines were failing miserably. (Jerry Perisho)

      San Francisco is banning Happy Meals... mostly because of reports that Grimace is violently homophobic. (Jake Novak)

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      George W. Bush begins doing interviews Monday to promote the sales of his memoir, titled Decision Points. Literature was never his long suit. When the publisher first asked Mr. Bush to write an autobiography he said he doesn't know that much about cars. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Bush admits in his book that he considered dropping Dick Cheney off the 2004 ticket. Apparently Cheney convinced him to change his mind when he shot his hunting partner in the face. (Jim Barach)

      In his new book George W. Bush reveals that he considered dropping Dick Cheney in 2002 to show he was in charge, not Cheney. But then Cheney nixed the idea. (Jimmy Fallon)

      John Kerry told a crowd Friday that Rush Limbaugh has turned America into Know Nothings. He is one to talk. John Kerry lost the presidential election six years ago when any idiot could have beaten President Bush, but John Kerry proved he's not just any idiot. (Argus Hamilton)

      Sarah Palin said this week she would run for President if no one else would do it. I swear to God. And even Karl Rove said he didn't think it was a good idea for Sarah Palin to run for President. He said, he didn't think she has the gravitas. And Sarah said, "Oh, really. I don't even believe in the theory of gravitas" (Bill Maher)

      Sarah Palin says she wants limited government. Does she mean fewer elected officials or more officials who resign in the middle of their terms? I think limited government will be perfect for her limited abilities. (David Letterman)

      Karl Rove said that Sarah Palin does not have the gravitas to be president of the United States. Sarah Palin is furious. She said that as soon as she finds out what gravitas means, she will respond — and harshly. (Jay Leno)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      Voters didn't like how President Obama was handling the economy. Wait a minute — he was handling the economy? (David Letterman)

      The government will pump an additional $600 billion into the economy. I guess they have to make up for what Meg Whitman isn’t spending anymore. (Jay Leno)

      Everyone is talking about the unemployment rate. This week it went up by about 65 Democrats. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Texas Congressman Ron Paul is pushing for an audit of the Federal Reserve to examine the nation's monetary policy. To which most people are saying "We have a monetary policy?" (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Authorities believe those suspicious deliveries by UPS last week may have been a dry run for a terrorist plot — or a really smart move by FedEx. (Jay Leno)

      MGM has filed for bankruptcy protection. Some of the movie division's most recent projects never really took off. Grown Ups 3D. (Alan Ray)

      Critics claim the new Microsoft Xbox Kinect is racist because its controllers allegedly don't recognize black players, kind of like the New York Times sports section. (Jake Novak)

      McDonald's has added the McRib pork sandwich to the menu for the next 6 weeks. The McRib meal comes with a drink, fries, and a charged portable defibrillator. (Jerry Perisho)

      McDonalds has announced that due to current economic conditions, they'll raise their prices. Well, not really. They'll reduce the cost of their ingredients so to them it will seem like they raised the prices. (Bob Mills)

      An Ohio McDonald's owner is in hot water for putting pro-Republican campaign materials in his employees' paycheck envelopes. Despite the electioneering, Mayor McCheese still trails Grimace in the polls by five percentage points. (Jake Novak)

      The good news is the Girl Scouts have decided to continue making their uniforms in the USA. The bad news is they're being made by Larry Flynt. (Jake Novak)

      Reluctantly, Sony announced that it will no longer make the Walkman cassette recorder. It was bad enough when the Walkman started using a cane, but when he started pulling around an oxygen tank… (Bob Mills)

      TRANSPORTATION

      Pontiac is out of business. If you want to see a Pontiac now, you have to go to Cuba — or to Jay Leno's garage. (David Letterman)

      It turns out the GM bailout includes a special break that allows the company to avoid paying taxes for the next 20 years, which works well for a company that hasn't made a decent car in 40 years. (Jake Novak)

      A 17 year old stowaway in Siberia survived a flight in a plane's landing gear. Of course, the main reason was that there was more legroom in the plane's wheel well than in coach. The cold temperature at high altitudes wasn't much of a problem since it was actually warmer in the plane's wheel well than it is in Siberia. (Jim Barach)

      CANADA

      Canadian immigration officials have reported a huge increase in the number of requests for Canadian citizenship in the past twenty-four hours, with over fifty-five million such inquiries pouring in since late Tuesday night. Of those fifty-five million requests, well over 99.99% of them came from U. S. citizens, with a particularly large number coming from residents of Florida and Kentucky. (Andy Borowitz)

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN

      The new Brazilian president is planning to visit the United States soon. A word of advice: Skip Arizona. (Jimmy Fallon)

      EUROPE

      In Spain, a 10-year-old gypsy girl has given birth to a healthy baby boy. I guess the good news would be, in a couple of years, she'll be able to do her own baby-sitting. (Tim Hunter)

      In Spain, A 10-year-old Romanian girl gave birth to a baby fathered by a 13-year old. All over a misunderstanding. He asked her if she was on the pill and she thought he meant Flintstones. (Bob Mills)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      In Syria, a 5-year-old boy is engaged to a 3-year-old girl. He decided to marry a younger women because all the women his age were bitter, jaded and poopy-heads. (Alex Kaseberg)

      THE FAR EAST

      China started conducting its nationwide census this week. That's right, parents will be required to list each child's age, grade, and occupation. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A woman in China had a wedding and married herself; and here I didn't know they had same sex marriage in China. (Alex Kaseberg)

      INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

      Police in India have arrested five people in an elephant smuggling ring. How bad is your airport security when you can't catch people smuggling an elephant? (Jay Leno)

      AUSTRALIA & OCEAN ISLANDS

      Female barbers in Australia are now legally allowed to work topless. It's proving to be popular among male customers, but costly. The barbers have to hire dental hygienists to control the drooling. (Bob Mills)

      SCIENCE

      Scientists at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center have produced a mini-human liver in the laboratory using stem cells. Further testing is necessary, but so far they're working splendidly in alcoholic mice. (Bob Mills)

      HEALTH

      A new study says daily exercise helps prevent colds and flu. What does a physician say to someone who is terribly out of shape? "So, how long have you played for the Cowboys?" (Alan Ray)

      The government just spent $250 million of your tax money to find that CT scans for all smokers would reduce their death rate by 20%. Another study that cost just 50 cents shows that not smoking would reduce the death rate by 100%. (Jake Novak)

      SPORTS

      Congratulations to the San Francisco Giants who won the World Series. People in San Francisco haven't been this excited since Lady Gaga's last album came out. (Jay Leno)

      The San Francisco Giants beat the Texas Rangers to win the World Series for the first time in 56 years. The fans back home celebrated with riots, overturning Priuses, throwing bottles of bio-dynamically farmed zinfandel and building huge clean-burning bonfires. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A San Francisco marijuana dispensary offered a free joint to any Giants fans in the shop when the team hit a home run during the Series. "Toke me out to the ballgame." (Bill Littlejohn)

      The Giants had a ticker-tape parade through downtown San Francisco. The Rice-A-Roni cleanup alone is expected to last two days. (Greg Connors)

      They're still cleaning up from the parade and celebration in S. F. At least the field at AT&T Park isn't frozen over, like it would be at Wrigley if the Cubs ever won. (T. C.)

      The Clippers have started 0-4. The only fast breaks in the second half are fans heading to their cars. (Alan Ray)

      Oakland laid 59 points on the Broncos. Usually, when someone gets beaten that bad at a Raiders game, it's in the parking lot. (Jay Leno)

      Maybe it's a good thing that the Broncos, 59-14 losers a week ago, are playing overseas this Sunday. Denver fans said they still love the Broncos, but felt that some time apart would be best for both sides. (Steve Harvey)

      Have you seen Army's spiffy camouflage football uniforms, helmets and all? Referees suspect the Cadets might have too many men on the field, but say it's too tough to tell. (Dwight Perry)

      ATHLETES

      Brett Favre had to be carted off the field this weekend after taking a hit that required 10 stitches in his chin. And while they were at it, just to be on the safe side, the doctors also stitched up the front of his pants. (Jay Leno)

      Brett Favre's updated box score: Lacerated chin, allegations of naughty text pictures, cracked ankle. High, medium, low, he's a human tic-tac-toe. (Dwight Perry)

      For Brett Favre it is now a record-setting 292 in a row, the number of times he's texted photos of his penis without getting it caught in his zipper. Congratulations, Brett! (Jerry Perisho)

      The NFL is conducting hearings into Brett Favre's unsavory off-the-field activities. When Brett testified under oath, the judge allowed him to use his own bible, AARP Magazine (Bob Mills)

      Randy Moss has been waived by the Minnesota Vikings. He has a different slant to the game. Hash marks are what you find in his locker. (Alan Ray)

      Troubled NFL receiver Randy Moss has been picked up by the Tennessee Titans. Not only will Moss keep his bags packed, they'll be with him on the sidelines. (Jerry Perisho)

      Proposed movie titles for the 2010 Randy Moss melodrama: 3. Patriot Games; 2. Purple Reign; 1. November the Titans. (RJ Currie)

      Jared Allen of the Vikings has authored a collection of meals for hunters called the Quarterback Killer's Cookbook. It is not to be confused with Brad Childress' recipes for disaster. (RJ Currie)

      Since the engaged Maria Sharapova and Lakers guard Sasha Vujacic are high earners, they've agreed to draft a pre-nup. Very smart so far. The bad news is, they're getting advice from Frank and Jamie McCourt. (Bob Mills)

      Braylon Edwards called out the Jets receivers for 'arrogance' saying they need 'fundamentals.' Here's two other words for Braylon: pot, kettle. (RJ Currie)

      NBA Rookie John Wall had 29 points, 13 assists and nine steals in his home debut leading Washington to an overtime victory. So far for the Wizards, winning appears to be a Wall or nothing proposition. (RJ Currie)

      I love the name of goalie Antero Niittymaki of the San Jose Sharks. Niittymaki. The only sports name I can think of with more I's in it is Favre. (RJ Currie)

      How about that World Series? I don't want to say the Giants catcher, Buster Posey, looks young, but two more hits and he'll have earned his Boy Scout baseball merit badge. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Baby-faced Giants catcher Buster Posey's claim to fame: He's the first person to play in the World Series and the Little League World Series in the same year. (Cam Hutchinson)

      Tiger Woods has been stripped of his top position in the golf rankings by Britisher Lee Westwood. And it came early for Tiger this year. He usually isn't ejected from the driver's seat until Thanksgiving. He's been busy texting his amended resume to 87 bimbos. (Bob Mills)

      Thrashers goalie Ondrej Pavelec is rumored to have suffered another fainting spell. Sources say it happened when Ondrej checked the standings and saw the Leafs had a winning record. (RJ Currie)

      Dion Phaneuf was jeered by Maple Leafs fans prompting Brian Burke to say he didn't think he ever had a player booed before. I'm thinking only Burkie could say that with a straight face. (RJ Currie)

      Edison Pena, one of the 33 freed Chilean miners, has accepted an invitation to run in Sunday's New York City Marathon, not to be confused with the miner still running from his wife and mistress. (Dwight Perry)

      The New York Marathon welcomed the entry of rescued Chilean miner Edison Pena Tuesday. He trained by running six miles a day in the mine tunnels while he was trapped underground for two months. The only guy who ran harder for survival was Barney Frank. (Argus Hamilton)

      Canadian skeleton specialist Jeff Pain announced his retirement saying competing in the Vancouver Olympics with torn abdominal muscles was a deciding moment. Talk abut gut check time. (RJ Currie)

      LaShawn Merritt was banned from the London Games after testing positive for a substance found in Viagra. Why would a runner need Viagra? A pole vaulter, maybe. But a runner? (Bob Mills)

      Local health nut Walter Byerly, 80, has run at least a mile a day every day since Nov. 5, 1974, The Dallas Morning News reported. Unfortunately, he's now 39,000 miles from home. (Fark.com)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      “Saw 3D” is out this weekend. Survivors of Jigsaw are subjected to more terror than ever. They are forced to vote for this year’s slate of candidates. (Alan Ray)

      "127 Hours" is out in movie theaters. A young man comes to terms with his humanity as he's trapped on a mountain in a desolate location. "This is the last time I book through Travelocity." (Alan Ray)

      "127 Hours" is a movie about counting the scoreboard minutes until the Seahawks, Huskies or Cougars register a touchdown. (Dwight Perry)

      A movie about the Chilean miners could get expensive so CBS had a better idea. On their new reality series "Survivor: Chile," 33 guys will spend two months underground just for a chance to get on Letterman. (Bob Mills)

      ENTERTAINERS

      They premiered Justin Bieber's new music video before a baseball game. If there's anything that says "America's national pastime," it's a Canadian teenage mop-head. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A judge sentenced Lindsay Lohan back to rehab, but sources say Lindsay can't afford the $50,000 Betty Ford Clinic bill. That Betty Ford Clinic is amazing, they know what the fastest cure for cocaine addiction is: poverty. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A judge ordered Lindsay Lohan back to the Betty Ford until January which means she'll spend Christmas there. That's not so bad. Last year's passion play starred Charlie Sheen, Randi Quaid and Mel Gibson as the Three Wise Men. (Bob Mills)

      PETA is offering to pay Lindsay Lohan's rehab bill if she decides to become a vegan. In response, Lindsay said there are certain animals she could never give up, like Grey Goose and Wild Turkey. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Charlie Sheen has filed for divorce from his third wife, Brooke Mueller, but he shouldn't suffer too much financially. Luckily, Charlie had smart lawyers who insisted she sign a pre-rehab. (Bob Mills)

      Charlie Sheen trashed his hotel room in New York City last week. You know you're in trouble in the hotel room when you call housekeeping and FEMA shows up. (David Letterman)

      Capri Anderson, who was with Charlie Sheen in his NY hotel room, says she will sue the actor. How big a loser are you when the hooker/porn star you hired for the night sues you for ruining her reputation? (Jerry Perisho)

      Martin Sheen, the father of Charlie Sheen, is reportedly having a family intervention in Ireland. I'm sorry? They're sending an alcoholic to Ireland? That's like sending Lindsay Lohan to Bogota, Colombia. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Cher tells the December issue of Vanity Fair that Sonny should be enshrined in the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. They probably should re-name her, too, since she got in at least four faces ago. (Bob Mills)

      THE MEDIA

      Every time I turned to CNN for election results and saw Eliot Spitzer, I expected to find a hundred dollar bill on the night stand. (Jerry Perisho)

      Fox News doubled the ratings of CNN and MSNBC combined on Election Day. It was no contest. How could liberals compete when Kimberly Guilfoyle, Shannon Bream and Megyn Kelly took off one article of clothing every time the GOP won another ten seats? (Argus Hamilton)

      I loved how the different news networks covered the elections. On MSNBC, it was called "Election Night 2010: What Went Wrong?" At Fox News, it was "Election Night 2010: Party!" (Jay Leno)

      The oft-sued National Enquirer Magazine, successor to its muckraking predecessor Confidential, announced it will file bankruptcy, then, purely out of habit, printed a retraction. (Bob Mills)

      The National Enquirer is filing for bankruptcy protection. Readers can tell the tabloid has cut its budget by some of its stories. “Worker in cubicle next to me pregnant with alien baby.” (Alan Ray)

      THE INTERNET AND BLOGGERS

      Microsoft’s Windows 7 comes out in November. It’ll make the average workplace computer more streamlined. Civil servants will be able to download porn much, much faster. (Alan Ray)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Paul, the octopus who predicted the outcome of all those World Cup games, died this week. In lieu of flowers, the family has asked that people send lemon wedges and tartar sauce. (Jay Leno)

      Paul the Octopus will be buried next to his octomom. (Greg Connors)

      Deported Russian spy Anna Chapman posed in her underwear for Maxim Magazine has landed another assignment. She'll be the centerfold as "Miss Gulag" in the December issue of KGB Magazine. (Bob Mills)

      EDUCATION

      The University of South Carolina will offer a new class devoted to Lady Gaga. Or you can just take your parents' tuition money and flush it directly down the toilet. (Jimmy Fallon)

      More schools are ignoring SAT scores as a requirement for acceptance. Most are more interested in high school GPA. They figure any kid who can work the teacher for a good grade is more likely to succeed than some test taker. (Jim Barach)

      RELIGION

      The Crystal Cathedral declared bankruptcy. Remember the money-changers Jesus chased out of the temple? Looks like one of their descendants saddled the Rev. Schuller with an illegal sub-prime mortgage. (Bob Mills)

      HISTORY

      It was this time in 1929 that the stock market crashed. It crashed because of Wall Street greed. Good thing they fixed that. (David Letterman)

      The world's first commercial radio station, KDKA-AM, Pittsburgh, marks its 90th anniversary on Tuesday, November 2. The station will celebrate with an open house and a special re-broadcast of their very first program, "Larry King Live." (Frank King)

      SURVEYS, POLLS & STUDIES

      A study says that children in the U. S. watch an average of five hours of TV a day. Mostly because being on the computer or texting doesn't leave their hands free enough for snacking. (Jim Barach)

      Children now spend an average of five hours daily glued to the tube. Retailers are responding. Panasonic's new "HD-Preteen Flat Panel 500" features a thumb-operated remote that's shaped like a Play Station. (Bob Mills)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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