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Weakly Humerus News 10-30-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-30-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK I haven t left my house in days. I watch the news channels incessantly. All the
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 30, 2010
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-30-10
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE


      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      I haven't left my house in days. I watch the news channels incessantly. All the news stories are about the election; all the commercials are Viagra and Cialis. Election, erection, election, erection. Either way we're screwed! (Bette Midler)

      About one week before the election. And is anyone else about at the point of saying "I don't care what party you are from or what cause you are for, if you 'robocall' me I am going to vote against you? (Janice Hough)

      Election Day is next Tuesday. According to a new poll, one out of three voters is still undecided. It's a tough choice. Do you vote for the people who got us into this mess, or the people who can't get us out of this mess? (Jay Leno)

      Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence, and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser. (Funny Quote for the Day)

      An amazing week for idiocy in America. Glenn Beck said that evolution is ridiculous because he's never seen a half-man, half-monkey. Christine O'Donnell did not know that the First Amendment was in the First Amendment. We are truly one nation indivisible on the short bus. (Bill Maher)

      Deanna Favre issued a statement today, "Those pictures Brett sent to that reporter and therapist were meant for me, but you know Brett, they were intercepted". (Kirk Miller)

      Sister Virginia Muller told the Associated Press it's mind-boggling she and the Baltimore-based School Sisters of Notre Dame were given a century-old Honus Wagner baseball card that may fetch $200,000 at auction. Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. (RJ Currie)

      Some parents ruin Halloween for their kids by not allowing them to get candy. The way our economy is going, it may be good practice for our kids to start begging for food. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Last night on 'Dancing With the Stars,' Bristol Palin came out dressed in a gorilla costume. They say this is the closest a member of the Palin family has ever come to acknowledging evolution (Jimmy Kimmel)

      400.000 leaked government documents about the War in Iraq portray a nation that is weak and divided. The documents say that Iraq isn't in all that good of shape, either. (Jim Barach)

      It must be hard for Los Angeles. Other than USC, the city hasn't had a professional football team for years. This year they really didn't have a professional baseball team either. (Janice Hough)

      October is the month when professional football, baseball, basketball and hockey are all being televised. It's hard to say who loves this time of year more: sports lovers or divorce lawyers. (RJ Currie)

      Former President George W. Bush has a memoir coming out soon. Between this and Justin Bieber's book, this could be the biggest year ever for literature. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      THE CANDIDATES

      How can you not know about the separation of church and state? Someone get this woman a copy of Schoolhouse Rock because this is ridiculous. Apparently they don't teach the Constitution at Hogwarts. (Jimmy Kimmel, on Christine O'Donnell's confusion over the First Amenment)

      Delaware Republican senate candidate Christine O'Donnell blamed her campaign's recent troubles on unfair coverage in the "liberal media." Yup, the liberal media used two of its favorite tricks on her: 'Record' and 'Play.' (Seth Meyers)

      Reportedly, Christine O'Donnell is having problems keeping up the final week of the campaign. Wouldn't you know, Wicota recalled her SUB - - sport utility broom. (Joe Hickman)

      Levi Johnston says he is not sure if he is a member of the Democratic Party or Republican Party for his run for Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. He just knows that if there is a party, count him in. (Jim Barach)

      One of the other nuts Carl Paladino in New York state, they had a debate, I've never seen this in politics. He left before the debate was over to go to the bathroom. This is the best ad for Flomax I've ever seen. (Bill Maher)

      New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's Facebook page was hacked and someone wrote offensive remarks in the captions of his pictures. The remarks were so crazy and offensive that Paladino was like, "Are you sure I didn't write these?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      It was reported this week that New York gubernatorial candidate Jimmy McMillan of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party has not had to pay rent on his $800 a month Brooklyn apartment since the '80s. Confronted with this fact, McMillan changed the name of his party to the Water Pressure Is Too Damn Low Party. (Seth Meyers)

      THE ELECTION

      Election Day is less than a week away. It’s a shame that either of these parties has to win. (Jay Leno)

      Election Day is less than a week away. Republicans are just counting the days until it will be their turn to screw things up. (Jay Leno)

      The election is November 2. Our democracy is based upon a majority rules basis. At the end of the day, the candidate with the majority of the money wins. (Alan Ray)

      Meg Whitman begins her new ad: "I know many of you see this election as an unhappy choice between a longtime politician with no plan for the future and a billionaire with no government experience, " And in Nevada with Sharron Angle running against Harry Reid, a lot of folks say to California "we'll trade you. " (Janice Hough)

      According to a new L. A. Times poll in the gubernatorial race here in California, Jerry Brown now leads Meg Whitman 52 percent to 39 percent. She spent $163 million of her own money and she's behind by 13 points. That's the biggest expenditure of money for a loss since the Yankees. (Jay Leno)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama listed his accomplishments in office on Urban Radio Tuesday. No one gives him enough credit. Barack Obama took something that was in terrible shape and brought it back from the brink of disaster, and that something was the Republican Party. (Argus Hamilton)

      So you probably heard the presidential seal fell off the podium during a recent Obama speech. Know what they found on the back? His birth certificate. (David Letterman)

      In Washington, President Obama's recent speech to a women's conference was interrupted when his presidential seal on the podium fell off - - two years early. (Seth Meyers)

      President Obama drew a huge crowd to his Los Angeles rally Friday. Many stars were seated onstage behind him. The president reminded the crowd that under him a Hispanic woman has become a judge on the highest court in the land, and Jennifer Lopez stood and took a bow. (Argus Hamilton)

      The President left a campaign event in Rhode Island yesterday saying he had to go home to 'walk the dog and scoop the poop.' That's not a job for the president. Where's Joe Biden? (Jay Leno)

      THE STATES

      A court just ruled that voters in Arizona don't need to show proof of citizenship at the polls next week. When asked about the ruling, some said they were on the fence, while many said they'd just hopped over it. (Jimmy Fallon)

      This billionaire George Soros endorsed Prop 19, which would legalize marijuana. He's donated $1 million for the cause. Supporters will use the money for last-minute TV ads. They are very smart. All the ads will air during SpongeBob SquarePants. (Jay Leno)

      It looks like California is on the verge of legalizing marijuana. You thought the haze over L.A. was bad before. (Jay Leno)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Mayor Bloomberg is cracking down on the noise in New York City. He's encouraging everyone to use their silencers. (David Letterman)

      The noise has taken its toll. There's partial hearing loss among 90 percent of New York City's rats. (David Letterman)

      It's even noisier in New York City if you get a room next to Charlie Sheen. (David Letterman)

      Mayor Bloomberg is so upset about the rising murder rate in New York City, he’s thinking about making it illegal. (David Letterman)

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      During a campaign stop in New York this week, Joe Biden said to a volunteer, "If I had your hair, I would have been president." In response, the guy was like, "If I had your hair, I wouldn't bring up the subject of hair." (Jimmy Fallon)

      The man Dick Cheney shot in the face on that hunting trip like four years ago says that Cheney has never apologized. Hey pal, join the club. The rest of the country is way in front of you. (Jay Leno)

      Hillary Clinton turned 63 years old yesterday. Bill put rose petals on the bed in a nice hotel and then called Hillary and wished her happy birthday. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Laura Bush says that life after the White House is not so easy. Most Americans will agree with that, especially after what her husband did during eight years in the White House. (Jim Barach)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      The head of the FHA says the mortgage industry must do more to establish trust with consumers. He also says that Lucy must establish trust with Charlie Brown when he tries to kick the football. (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      McDonalds will raise prices on its menu. The chain is still expected to beat out its chief rival for the fast food dollar. Healthy eating. (Alan Ray)

      Apple is considering buying Facebook. The computer company is hoping to take control of the one thing that distracts geeks from camping outside stores waiting for the next iPhone. (Jake Novak)

      In an effort to be more "green," Scott's is coming out with a new toilet paper roll without the cardboard tube inside. The news comes as a major relief to those who worried the green movement would soon force everyone to re-use their toilet paper at least three times. (Jake Novak)

      They’re experimenting with serving wine and cheese at Starbucks. How about experimenting with reasonably priced coffee? (David Letterman)

      TRANSPORTATION

      New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has canceled a train tunnel between New York and New Jersey. As a result, New Yorkers will have to get to New Jersey the same as they always have, by accident. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Now couples can fly from Auckland to LA on Air New Zealand's new "Cuddle Class", three seats for the price of two that fold into a bed. Air marshals aren't busy enough already, now they have to work vice. (Bob Mills)

      Air New Zealand will soon offer seats for couples that can be converted into beds. And you thought it was annoying when the couple next to you talked the entire trip. (Jimmy Fallon)

      UNITED NATIONS & WORLD COURT

      The U.N. revealed yesterday that it has had bedbugs since May of last year. I guess that explains the old saying, "Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs get weapons-grade uranium." (Jimmy Fallon)

      MEXICO

      City fathers in Guadalupe, Mexico have hired a 20-year old co-ed as their new Chief of Police. In her defense, she was a straight-A student majoring in Drug Cartel Eradication at Mexico City's prestigious University of Pancho Villa. (Bob Mills)

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN

      A Brazilian court has ruled that McDonald's must pay a manager at one of its locations $17,500 because he gained a lot of weight on the job. Unfortunately, the man now plans to use the money to buy 17,500 Dollar Menu hamburgers. (Jake Novak)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      A fast food joint in England is being ordered to remove a vent fan because the aroma of frying pork might be offensive to the Muslims visiting the restaurant's neighbors. C'mon, where does it stop? The only one with a right to be offended is the pig. (Snark)

      EUROPE

      A crazed pack of wolves from the Ukraine stalked a Moscow traffic officer and chased him for three miles. Could never happen in the U. S. Here, they chase ambulances. (Bob Mills)

      There are strikes all over France because the government wants to raise the retirement age. The strikes are threatening the French way of life. Yesterday, an American had to walk all the way across Paris without getting insulted. (Craig Ferguson)

      Everyone is on strike in France, even the garbage men. There are huge piles of garbage rotting in the streets. It smells like Randy Quaid has moved in. (Craig Ferguson)

      The reason for the strike is that the government wants to raise the retirement age to 62. Right now, it's 27. (Craig Ferguson)

      The French Senate has okay’d a 2-year hike in the retirement age. You can tell the natives are angry with their leaders. Their approval ratings are now just above Americans. (Alan Ray)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      The High Court of Saudi Arabia has ruled that spousal abuse is legal as long as husbands leave no visible marks. Saudi lawyers call it the "Charlie Sheen Rule." (Bob Mills)

      The highest Arab court has ruled, under Islamic law, it is OK for husbands to beat their wives as long as they don't leave visible marks. They then went on to wish everyone a happy 2010, B. C. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Afghan Pres. Hamid Karzai admitted that he receives bags of cash from both the US and from Iran. If this presidential thing doesn't work out for him, he'll use his training to be an oil company executive. (Jerry Perisho)

      THE FAR EAST

      Congratulations to China. They now have the world's fastest computer. Just imagine what they could do if their people were allowed on the Internet. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A Chinese research center has built the world's fastest computer which is 1.4 times faster than the top U. S. computer. The U. S. is falling behind as it is putting all its technological know-how into developing a computer that can figure out a decent formula for the BCS. (Jim Barach)

      A 10-year-old Chinese boy survived falling 20 stories from an apartment building and landing on a parked car. The amazing part - - he was back at work at the factory the next day. (Jay Leno)

      Police in Kobe, Japan, arrested a 54-year-old man who dangled a fishing line off the balcony of his third-story apartment to hook a woman's underwear hanging on a clothesline below. The woman's husband heard noises outside just after midnight, grabbed the man's fishing line and called police. Prosecutors expect to get a conviction, even if his catch constitutes flimsy evidence. (Dwight Perry)

      HEALTH

      A new study shows that smoking doubles your chances to get Alzheimer's, something the cigarette companies are counting on as their best customers keep forgetting the surgeon general's warnings. (Jake Novak)

      The Centers for Disease Control reports the South leads the nation in teenage pregnancy. Sixty babies are born for every thousand girls. What do you expect in an area of the country where sex education and driver's ed are taught in the same car? (Argus Hamilton)

      British researchers say the most effective way to dry your hands in a public restroom is with paper towels. But worrying about sanitary conditions in a public restroom is like walking into a McDonald's and asking about what's healthy on the menu. (Jim Barach)

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      There have been tornado warnings across the country, with at least 24 possible tornados. If this weather keeps up over the weekend, kids that are dressed up as witches and Superman may actually be able to fly. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Washington, D.C., was under a tornado watch. It was pretty crazy, especially when the White House landed on Christine O’Donnell. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Here in California, the only high pressure system we’re dealing with is whether or not pot becomes legal next Tuesday. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      In New York, they’re still cleaning up from a tornado named “Charlie Sheen.” (Jimmy Kimmel)

      SPORTS

      With all the tension in the country, the World Series gives the nation a chance to hate each other for something other than politics. (Craig Ferguson)

      The Texas Rangers advanced to the World Series, proving that once George W. Bush goes away, things get better. (Andy Borowitz)

      The World Series begins Wednesday. Why did the Giants just replace all the grass at AT&T Park? Because Tim Lincecum smoked the old stuff. (Alan Ray)

      There's nothing like a classic pitchers' duel to start the World Series. And Lee vs. Lincecum was nothing like a classic pitchers duel. (RJ Currie)

      The Giants have been winning with pitching. And they are again. Only its not theirs. (Tim McCarver)

      It's the San Francisco Giants and the Texas Rangers in the World Series. For TV viewers this match-up has the intrigue of Geraldo Rivera opening Al Capone's secret vaults. If the Rangers win, Texas Gov. Rick Perry will send CA a side of beef. If the Giants win, Arnold Schwarzenegger will send Texas a worthless state IOU. (Jerry Perisho)

      The World Series continues. There are cultural differences between Rangers and Giants fans. In Texas, 40,000 people do the wave simultaneously. In California, they text. (Alan Ray)

      The Chargers have thrown six interceptions and lost 12 fumbles seven games into the NFL season. This translates into a 2-5 record for San Diego and coach Turnover. (RJ Currie)

      The NBA season has begun. With Wade, Bosh, and LeBron in the same uniform, Miami Heat fans can expect big numbers this season. And that’s just the price of a beer. (Alan Ray)

      What can you say about the season debut of the new-look Miami Heat? It was like a hotel that hypes a continental breakfast and it turns out to be a miniature orange, half a stale muffin and cold coffee. (RJ Currie)

      The NY Knicks have signed a marketing deal with 1800 Silver Tequila. the way they play these are gonna be the best shots in Madison Square Garden all season. (Marc Ragovin)

      The Pittsburgh Steelers might have won a game they shouldn't have won because the zebras couldn't tell who recovered Ben Roethlisberger's fumble in the end zone, setting up a field goal for a 23-22 victory. Yeah, I couldn't tell which of three Dolphins was on top of the ball, either. (Randy Youngman)

      The Edmonton Oilers plan to be the first Canadian hockey team to have cheerleaders. They face three recent challenges: 3. Opposition from hockey traditionalists; 2. The NoCheer online petition; 1. Finding something to cheer about. (RJ Currie)

      ATHLETES

      Brett Favre apparently didn't give up on Jenn Sterger after he left the Jets. According to the NY Post, Favre made a "recruiting call," to the former sideline reporter in 2009. Who knew, despite all those interceptions, Brett's most ill-conceived passes may have been off the field. (Janice Hough)

      A lot of people think Brett Favre is the biggest dick in professional football, but he has conclusively shown he is not. (Jerry Perisho)

      Brett Favre says he plans on playing despite two fractures in his leg. Equally surprising, Lindsay Lohan has been ordered back to rehab and the Maple Leafs have started losing. (RJ Currie)

      Brett Favre refused comment Wednesday on the NFL probe into his conduct towards a Jets cheerleader. He preferred to talk about his recovered arm strength. Two weeks ago his arm hurt so much he could barely lift his camera phone over his abdomen. (Argus Hamilton)

      Despite having two broken bones in his ankle, Brett Favre says he still wants to help the Vikings beat the Patriots this Sunday. So, he's going to send naked pictures of himself to Tom Brady. (Jake Novak)

      Brock Lesnar was handed his first loss last Saturday, losing the UFC Heavyweight championship to Cain Velasquez. You might say Velasquez was the evil of one Lesnar. (RJ Currie)

      John Daly told the Charlotte Observer he played better golf back when he was a drunk. Presumably in those days he used a putter, a wedge and a designated driver. (RJ Currie)

      John Daly says he was a better golfer when he was drunk. To which most people still watching him play are saying "You mean he's not drunk now?" (Jim Barach)

      Funny how this worked out during the ALCS, but Bengie Molina was worth every cent the San Francisco Giants paid him to play for the Rangers, and A-Rod was worth every cent the Rangers paid him to play for the New York Yankees. (David Thomas)

      A lot of experts think Cliff Lee will end up pitching in New York next season for the Yankees. I'm thinking his wife won't want to come within spitting distance. (RJ Currie)

      An article in the Wall Street Journal says that Giants ace Tim Lincecum looks like he is 14 years old. Not true. Lincecum looks like he is 16 at least. Now, catcher Buster Posey, he looks like he is 12. (Janice Hough)

      Redskins DB DeAngelo Hall intercepted four Bears passes. It looks like Jay Cutler has finally settled on a favorite receiver. (Fark.com)

      Hours after being charged with domestic violence, former San Diego Charger Junior Seau plunged his Cadillac Escalade off a 30-foot cliff. First Tiger and now Junior. General Motors is promoting their luxury SUV as "the safest car for philandering athletes." (Bob Mills)

      The Philadelphia Phillies have cut their ties with 47 year old pitcher Jamie Moyer who is going to become a free agent. He hasn't quite yet decided if he will be shopping himself for shuffleboard or bingo. (Jim Barach)

      Vancouver Canucks forward Rick Rypien is suspended 6 games for contact with a member of the crowd. Grabbing a hockey fan could cause serious trauma. He might spill his beer. (Alan Ray)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      Spanish language Univision could become the top U. S. network within seven years, according to research. The four top U. S. networks are considering switching over to Spanish so people can't tell how bad their programming has gotten. (Jim Barach)

      According to The New York Post, Eliot Spitzer's new show on CNN is having trouble booking guests. Well of course, they only pay scale. If you know anything about Eliot Spitzer's past, he pays $5,000 an hour, usually. (Jay Leno)

      Critics say "Paranormal Activity 2" is the scariest thing you'll see all year. Unless you get a text message from Brett Favre. (Craig Ferguson)

      I remember when the first "Saw" movie came out. Time flies when you're cutting your own foot off. (Craig Ferguson)

      Now they are working on making a movie about the Chilean minors. If they do they'll have to cast Charlie Sheen. Nobody else is better at digging himself out of a hole. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Viewers who tuned into Fox Thursday night about 1030 Eastern time were surprised to see what they thought was a scarier version of Glee's "Rocky Horror" show. In reality it was just the Rangers' bullpen. (Janice Hough)

      ENTERTAINERS

      Pop diva Rihanna said in an interview that she texts Lady Gag-a regularly in order to make sure they don't wear the same outfits when they appear in public. "You're wearing the Porterhouse? Okay, then I'll put on a nice brisket." (Snark)

      Good news for Charlie Sheen. Since he was caught with a hooker in Manhattan, he could wind up serving four years as governor of New York. (Jay Leno)

      A drunk and cocaine-fueled Charlie Sheen trashed his New York hotel suite with a naked hooker locked in the closet; Sheen was then admitted to a hospital. The occasion? Charlie was on vacation with his ex-wife, Denise Richards, and their two young kids. Imagine how Charlie acts when he is out partying with the boys? (Alex Kaseberg)

      Charlie Sheen trashed a hotel in New York and was found drunk and naked. He was so out of control, even the bed bugs were complaining about him. (Tim Hunter)

      In Charlie Sheen's defense, he only trashed that hotel room after he found out what they charge for the peanuts in the mini-bar. (Craig Ferguson)

      Britain's Got Talent breakout star Susan Boyle canceled her appearance on Dancing with the Stars last week. Since she became famous, there's been a big drop in suicide bombings worldwide. Apparently a lot of the terrorists didn't realize what a virgin looks like. (Argus Hamilton)

      Bristol Palin has now survived six weeks on 'Dancing with the Stars.' She was neither eliminated nor impregnated. She'll probably get eliminated soon. Mid-November is when the Palin family typically goes into hibernation. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The judges were raving about Bristol Palin on "Dancing With the Stars." Her mother must have threatened to shoot someone. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Jerry Springer is marking the 20th anniversary of his popular daytime TV show. Come on American; celebrate by throwing a folding chair at a cardboard cutout of Geraldo Rivera. (Jerry Perisho)

      Forbes Magazine named Michael Jackson the top-earning dead celebrity with $275 million. For the third consecutive year, Keith Richards edged out Andy Rooney for most profitable almost-dead celebrity. (Bob Mills)

      Oprah Winfrey, Meryl Streep, and Sandra Bullock are going to star in a new movie by "Sex and the City" director Michael Patrick King. Or, as girlfriends who were dragged to watch "Jackass 3D" call it, "Payback." (Jimmy Fallon)

      In his new autobiography, Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones says he loves a good high. Who could have guessed that? (Jay Leno)

      Randy Quaid and his wife were arrested in Canada. Still no word on Osama bin Laden, but we got the Quaids. (David Letterman)

      Billy Ray Cyrus and his wife Tish have filed for divorce after 17 years of marriage. They still have to decide who gets custody of Miley and who ends up with Hannah Montana. (Jim Barach)

      THE MEDIA

      If Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh were dead, all the attention being paid to Glenn Beck would make them turn over in their graves. (Scott Witt)

      Conan O'Brien says he overcame depression and anger following being replaced on the "Tonight Show". He walked away with a $30 Million payoff. Forget the depression and anger. How about some guilt? (Jim Barach)

      NPR fired Juan Williams for saying Muslims on airplanes make him nervous. They fired a black man for fearing another attack on America by Muslims. Blacks would never attack fellow Americans unless they ran a pass route in the middle of the field. (Argus Hamilton)

      NPR has fired Juan Williams after he said when he sees people in Muslim garb at the airport, he gets nervous. I get nervous when I see people in pilot uniforms hanging around the airport bar. Call me a bigot. (Jay Leno)

      Juan Williams was fired by NPR. He told Bill O'Reilly that people in Muslim garb getting on airplanes make him nervous. And I was appalled: this is America, if we can't let a black man with a Latino name sh*t on Muslims to entertain a white guy, what do we have? (Bill Maher)

      Fox News, on Thursday, hired news analyst Juan Williams just one day after National Public Radio fired him for making disparaging comments about Muslims. Marking the first time someone has been fired and hired for the same comment. (Seth Meyers)

      Following Williams' firing, several leading Republicans including Newt Gingrich, Mike Huckabee, and Sarah Palin, accused NPR of censorship and called for Congress to cut off federal funding for NPR. So in case you were wondering how much Republicans hate NPR, they're siding with a black guy named Juan. (Seth Meyers)

      THE INTERNET AND BLOGGERS

      A report says the number of internet users has reached 2 billion. It’s amazing when you think that at a given time, there are that many people performing the same routine task. Downloading porn. (Alan Ray)


      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Supermodel Adriana Lima, wife of Serbian basketball player Marko Jarić, has been modeling the new $2 million Victoria's Secret bra. If Jarić wanted to buy it for her on the installment plan, would he be making support payments? (RJ Currie)

      Apparently the Octomom still has 29 frozen embryos, which is almost enough to give one to each Chilean miner. I think it's time for President Obama to build a border fence around the Octomom's uterus. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      After Pitt basketball coach Jamie Dixon rescued two people from a wrecked car, school officials called it heroic; the NCAA called it "improper contact with a booster." (Jamie Dickson)

      Clarence Thomas's wife this week on Saturday morning calls up Anita Hill 19 years later to ask her to apologize. And she did the right thing. She apologized. She said I'm truly sorry you're married to Clarence Thomas. (Bill Maher)

      Clarence Thomas's ex-girlfriend came forward to say Anita Hill was right, he is a pervert. He was obsessed with porn and big breasts. And that's just a taste of what's in store on the next episode of Real Housewives of the Supreme Court. (Bill Maher)

      Deported Russian spy Anna Chapman posed in her underwear for Maxim Magazine. FBI cryptographers suspect she may be sending hidden messages to other Soviet agents using the notch positions on her bra clasp. (Bob Mills)

      RELIGION

      The Catholic Church has announced six new saints. Among them are Father Andre, Sister Mary, and of course, Mrs. Regis Philbin. (David Letterman)

      HOLIDAYS

      Halloween is coming up. It's the scariest day of the year, aside from Election Day. (David Letterman)

      Halloween is almost here and everyone is getting their costumes ready. This past weekend, I saw the New York Yankees pretending to be the Mets. (Jimmy Fallon)

      I understand that for Halloween, Meg Whitman is dressing up as the governor of California. It could be her last chance. (Jay Leno)

      Sunday is Halloween. What’s the difference between a jack-o-lantern and Christine O’Donnell? Inside the pumpkin’s head, a light goes on. (Alan Ray)

      I can hardly wait. In less than a week I'll be dressed up in a costume, eating candy. I always get so excited during midterm elections. (Jimmy Fallon)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      A 5-year-old boy and a 3-year-old girl in Syria are engaged. The parents are calling it "adorable" while the boy's 6-year-old ex called it "pathetic." (Jimmy Fallon)

      A thirteen year old from Brooklyn, New York has been judged the nation's fastest-texting teen. She successfully beat out 25,000 contestants by texting the lyrics to "Old McDonald Had a Farm." 48.6% of the losers misspelled "e-i-e-i-o." (Bob Mills)

      A woman who is tired of the pressure to get married is marrying herself. There's just got to be someone for Jennifer Aniston (David Letterman)

      SURVEYS, POLLS & STUDIES

      A new study has found that on average, men start to get grumpier and lose their sense of humour at age 52. The average drops to 40 if you include Bill Belichek. (RJ Currie)

      AWARDS

      Esquire magazine ranked President Obama one of the world's best-dressed politicians, while North Korean leader Kim Jong Il was ranked Best-dressed Female Janitor Who Also Happens to Be a Politician. (Jimmy Fallon)

      OTHER

      Our nation should be split into warring factions, each ruled by a warlord who receives his instructions directly from God. (Panama Dan)

      A woman in Costa Mesa drove with a corpse in her car for ten months; it just shows what lengths we southern Californians will go to drive in the car pool lane. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Paul the Octopus, who correctly called the winners in all eight rounds of the World Cup has died in Germany. Apparently he never recovered from having to listen to eight games with vuvuzelas constantly blaring in the background. (Jim Barach)

      Latest autopsy speculation on Paul the Octopus: He was mussel-bound. (Dwight Perry)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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