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Weakly Humerus News 10-23-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-23-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK President Barack Obama s approval rating has dropped to an all-time in the Gallup
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 23, 2010
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-23-10
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE


      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      President Barack Obama's approval rating has dropped to an all-time in the Gallup poll. But his approval rating is at an all-time high among Republicans running against Democrats incumbents for Congress. (Jake Novak)

      Cliff Lee dominated New York in game three of the ALCS, striking out 13 in leading Texas to an 8-0 victory. The last time Lee made a bunch of Yankees look that bad, President Lincoln fired General McClellan. (RJ Currie)

      The election is November 2. On that day, voters will finally be able to answer the number one question facing the nation. “When are these damn campaign commercials gonna stop?” (Alan Ray)

      Looks like yet another season of Brett Favre's career will be overshadowed by an ill-advised pass. (Toby Miller)

      According to a recent study, the odds of Virginia Thomas leaving a threatening voicemail for you are higher than those of Christine O'Donnell correctly identifying the First Amendment. (Andy Borowitz)

      Pittsburgh Steeler James Harrison has threatened to retire over the NFL's tougher stance on hits to the helmet. Anyone who takes Harrison seriously needs to have their head examined. (RJ Currie)

      Toyota is recalling 1.53 Million cars globally for leaking brake fluid and fuel pump problems. At least this time the combination of defects means the cars still won't stop but at least now they won't go. (Jim Barach)

      Under new CPR guidelines for treating sudden heart attacks, the AMA now recommends chest compressions only. Mouth-to-mouth is still allowed, but only for recreational purposes. (Bob Mills)

      Chris Matthews said Wednesday if the Chilean miners had been Tea Party members they would have killed each other. Conjecture works both ways. If the thirty-three miners had been liberal Democrats they would have emerged from that hole as sixteen married couples and one priest. (Argus Hamilton)

      Rampant inflation in Egypt, for years virtually unknown, has reached record levels with rates now at 11.7% and climbing. Nobody is immune. King Tut may have to move back in with mummy and daddy. (Bob Mills)

      Russian spy Anna Chapman has posed in her underwear for Maxim Magazine. Apparently that will pretty much take away her covert status. (Jim Barach)

      During their Delaware Senate debate Tuesday night Christine O'Donnell challenged her opponent Chris Coons, "Where in the Constitution is separation of church and state?" Well, added to all those colleges she didn't attend, I can only surmise the classes she didn't take were in history. (Janice Hough)

      A year into Obama's first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, "Well, technically that is change." (Funny Quote for the Day)

      NFL star Junior Seau drove his Escalade over a cliff in San Diego Monday. He's unhurt. After being tested by the steepest cliffs in California and the angriest wife in golf, the Escalade is poised to replace the Volvo as the safest car in the world. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE CANDIDATES

      Jerry Brown must stop apologizing for being in the same room when someone called Meg Whitman a whore. If you want to see a woman really get mad, compare a whore to Meg Whitman. (Bill Maher)

      President Obama refuses to prove he was born in the U. S., but there's no doubt that Christine O'Donnell was born in a coven. (Scott Witt)

      In a debate with opponent Chris Coons, Republican Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell intimated she was unaware that the First Amendment provides a constitutional basis for the separation of church and state. What do you think? This probably also explains why she then immediately yelled at reporters and told them they had no guaranteed right to print what she had just said. (Richard Haener)

      Delaware Senate candidate Chris Coons has a strong 11% lead over Republican Christine O'Donnell. More bad news for O'Donnell, they're predicting rain in Delaware next week; as a witch, she will melt. (Alex Kaseberg

      They asked her (Christine O'Donnell) to name a Supreme Court case that she disagreed with; she said Kramer vs. Kramer. (Bill Maher)

      It's Jimmy McMillan from the Rent Is Too Damn High Party; he's running for governor in New York. On gay marriage, he said, "The Rent Is Too Damn High Party feels if you wanna marry a shoe, I'll marry you. (Jerry Perisho)

      THE ELECTION

      Details, details. Sarah Palin recently sent out a tweet saying that Pennsylvania voters need to send Republican John Raese to the Senate. Except that Raese is the Republican nominee in West Virginia. (Janice Hough)

      After listening to both major candidates in the NY gubernatorial race, you can only conclude that whoever wins, the voters lose. (Scott Witt)

      Six candidates will debate in the New York Governor’s race. Make that seven if you count Carl Paladino taking 90 minutes to pull his foot out of his mouth. (Jerry Perisho)

      New York's governor debate Monday forced Democrats and Republicans to include five minor party candidates, featuring a hooker madam and at least two socialists. However, serious New Yorkers face only two choices. Do they move to Texas or Florida? (Argus Hamilton)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican Party. (Funny Quote for the Day)

      President Obama told an MTV town hall Thursday he's hampered because the U. S. is in a period of racial tribalism now. This ploy never works. Every time Obama plays the race card the Republicans play the genealogical chart showing he's related to Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Obama will appear on the Discovery Channel’s “Mythbusters”. He’ll help answer a question puzzling everyone. Which falls faster, a tennis ball or his approval ratings? (Alan Ray)

      The Discovery Channel welcomed President Obama to a taping of Mythbusters Monday. The show tests popular science myths to see if they're true. President Obama wants to know whether the unemployment rate is still Bush's fault or if corporations are refusing to hire because he's black. (Argus Hamilton)

      Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, "We really should change the curtains." (Funny Quote for the Day)

      Vice President Joe Biden told The New York Times that President Obama has asked him to run again in 2012. The bad news? Nobody is asking Obama yet. (Jay Leno)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      The Obama administration had quite a day today annihilating the people who might vote for them. They appealed the ruling striking down Don't Ask, Don't Tell, even though they are supposed to be for striking it down. And then they said even if California legalized pot, the feds would still come in and bust people. But in fairness to Obama, it is an election year and Democrats can't afford to be seen being for freedom or equality. (Bill Maher)

      Today, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton delivered a message to the youth of America about the evils of violence and bullying. It's believed to be the only anti-violence, anti-bullying message ever released by someone who can throw a lamp accurately both left and right-handed. (Frank King)

      THE MILITARY

      U.S. commanders in Afghanistan are ending their zero-tolerance policy on corruption and allowing local officials who are on our side to be 'moderately' corrupt. It's the same policy we have in Congress. (Funny Quote for the Day)

      The U. S. military followed federal court orders Wednesday and began allowing the enlistment of openly gay recruits in the Army. This could help us finally win the war in Afghanistan. If there's one thing Muslim terrorists can't withstand, it's musical comedy. (Argus Hamilton)

      For the first time, the Army is designing uniforms specifically for women. Now our fashion savvy GI Jane will feel equally stylish on KP or shopping in the PX, or handcuffed to an MP after going AWOL with PMS. (Bob Mills)

      THE STATES

      Arizona Governor Jan Brewer blasted the Central American countries Tuesday for joining Mexico in suing Arizona over its new immigration law. The governor got even worse news from Chile. We now have illegal aliens coming from the center of the earth. (Argus Hamilton)

      The federal government vigorously opposes California’s Prop 19, which would legalize the sale of marijuana. Eric Holder says he’ll enforce the federal law, and look at what a great job he’s been doing so far. (Jerry Perisho)

      In California, if Prop 19 passes, adults could possess one ounce of marijuana and grow small gardens on private property. In other words, Californians are really going to have to cut back. (Jerry Perisho)

      Oklahoma floated a state constitutional ban on any use of Islamic law in Oklahoma courts this week. Islamic law cuts off your hand for stealing. That means a lot of football recruits would still be in Texas, or a lot of coaches would be holding the clipboard with their teeth. (Argus Hamilton)

      Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill Tuesday requiring California businesses to show they don't support slavery. Why now? This may be the wrong time to force Californians to choose between their consciences and three T-shirts for eighteen dollars. (Argus Hamilton)

      LOCAL NEWS

      A Texas couple got married at the State Fair in Dallas last week. At the end of the ceremony, Tony Romo tried throwing rice, but it was intercepted. (Frank King)

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course the Democrats are disappointing. That's what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating they'd be your relatives. But in this country they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter 'D'? Because it's a grade that means good enough, but just barely. You know why the Republican symbol is 'R'? Because it's the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark. (Bill Maher)

      Dick Cheney spoke at a GOP fundraiser in Bakersfield last week where he looked healthy and strong after months of convalescence. He's out of danger. Six months ago the doctors put in a special pacemaker made by Toyota to make sure his heart doesn't stop. (Argus Hamilton)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      Bank execs under fire for not reading the home foreclosure orders they issued. Obama’s reaction: "Quick, get me the health care law I signed." (Scott Witt)

      The FBI is now trying to determine whether the financial industry may have broken criminal laws in the mortgage foreclosure crisis. Meanwhile, the banks are looking into firing anyone who didn't break criminal laws in the mortgage foreclosure crisis. (Jake Novak)

      For the second straight year, there will be no Social Security cost of living increase. But the Social Security Administration may have gone too far this time. They even refused to grant Tiger Woods' ex-wife a cost of alimony increase. (Bob Mills)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Apple has patented an anti-sexting technology. This allows parents better control of how their kids use their time after school. Now they will be forced to concentrate on their Wii games. (Alan Ray)

      A Connecticut law firm has opened with a drive-thru window. That makes it possible to go to McDonald's, get a cup of coffee, spill it on your lap and file a lawsuit all without getting out of your car. (Jim Barach)

      Starbucks has told its baristas to slow down the process of making coffees. It’ll change the culture of the gourmet java franchise. And you think the line at the drive-thru takes forever now? (Alan Ray)

      Wal-Mart plans to promote the sale of locally-produced food, offering its traditional low prices. The best bargains will be for road kill. (Scott Witt)

      A New York City artist kept a McDonald's happy meal on her kitchen table, untouched, for six months. It did not decompose at all. It looks the exactly the same. In fact, the toy actually decomposed quicker than the hamburger. (Jay Leno)

      TRANSPORTATION

      A report says that teenager car crashes have dropped by nearly a third in the past five years. Mostly because there aren't any jobs for teens to have to drive to or get money to buy a car with any more. (Jim Barach)

      A report says that road crashes are the leading cause of death worldwide for tourists. Mostly when people are texting back to their friends what a great time they are having on their vacation. (Jim Barach)

      Travel agents in London are booking passengers for a 7-night all-naked cruise. They'll sail on the maiden voyage of Cunard's latest luxury liner, the HMS Princess Fergie wearing see-thru life jackets. (Bob Mills)

      Some cruise line is going to recreate the voyage of the Titanic. What could possibly go wrong? (David Letterman)

      A crocodile smuggled onto a plane is being blamed for its crash in the Congo. Apparently when security asked the passenger what was in the bad and they said "A pair of crocs" they thought they meant some plastic shoes. (Jim Barach)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      A 35-year-old Michigan man has been arrested on charges of fraud and grand theft by deception for allegedly collecting payment for youths to play on a traveling baseball team and then skipping town. Can't say it wasn't a total loss for the players, though. They now know the meaning of "caught stealing." (Dwight Perry)

      US Marshals will auction off some of Bernie Madoff’s personal items, including his velveteen slippers with the “BLM” embroidery. Bernie is serving a 150 year sentence; by the time he gets out, those slippers will be out of fashion anyway. (Jerry Perisho)

      UNITED NATIONS & WORLD COURT

      Chile's delegation to the United Nations sent a message thanking the world for its support rescuing the miners last week. It provoked some. Chile's president specifically thanked Jesus Christ, Great Britain and U. S. private enterprise--the entire anti-Obama coalition. (Argus Hamilton)

      MEXICO

      Mexican officials have seized 150 tons of marijuana in Tijuana, which means one thing: those Mexican officials will certainly have enough pot for the rest of the year. (Jake Novak)

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN

      A very joyous week. A week where the whole world was watching a bunch of men trying to climb out of a hole they dug for themselves - but enough about the Democrats. Lets talk about those Chilean miners. (Bill Maher)

      The rescuers of the 33 Chilean miners: Second on the all-time October saves list behind Mariano Rivera. (Len Berman)

      Doctors did not allow the 33 Chilean miners to celebrate with alcohol. Well, sure, everyone knows you can't serve alcohol to minors. (Alex Kaseberg) .

      Americans love Chilean miners. I haven't seen so much hoopla about an endless procession emerging from a scary hole since the Octomom. (Bill Maher)

      One of the 33 Chilean miners revealed that they all joked about cannibalism while they were trapped. He was like, "If you don't believe me, ask the 34th guy. I mean... never mind." (Jimmy Fallon)

      One of the Chilean miners had four women waiting for him; there was the wife he never divorced, then there was the woman he lives with, then there was his current girlfriend and then the baby’s mama. He is now known as the Tiger Woods of mining. (Bill Maher)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      The British ruling party cut the country's military budget by a record 14% and the results are already starting to show. Troops in the field are now sleeping in pup refrigerator cartons. (Bob Mills)

      A Welsh brewery sold "Tiger Would" Ale featuring a sexy siren on the label during the Ryder Cup. Fittingly enough, the beer looked cheap at first glance but turned out to be quite expensive. (Dwight Perry)

      EUROPE

      Russia gave its top medals to ten spies for spying on America Monday. They were arrested in the U. S. last year, then the U. S. traded the ten Russian spies for four U. S. spies held in Russia. So you see, we can't even execute a spy swap without running up a sixty percent deficit. (Argus Hamilton)

      A strike by truck drivers in France has virtually shut down the French economy. The teamsters are protesting the rising cost of gasoline, replacement parts, and truck stop hookers. (Bob Mills)

      After 14 years of drilling, workers completed a 35-mile, $10 billion tunnel through the Swiss Alps between Zurich and Milan. As the giant drill bit broke through at mid-point, officials were at a loss to explain the sudden appearance of three Chilian miners. (Bob Mills)

      Switzerland has successfully created the world’s longest tunnel. Previously, the world’s biggest tunnel was owned by Octomom. ((Jerry Perisho))

      A woman at a French hospital is calling it a miracle after she woke up this week very much alive after experts had declared her dead. In a related story, the Toronto Maple Leafs have only one loss in their first six games. (RJ Currie)

      In France, a woman woke up after being declared “clinically dead”.This is the first time this has happened in France since the French army in World War II. (Jerry Perisho)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      In Syria, let's just say they do things a little different there: a 3-year-old girl has just become engaged to a 5-year-old boy. Here's hoping she likes older men. (Tim Hunter)

      The Afghan government threw out nearly 1.3 million ballots cast in last month’s elections.In Florida, Katherine Harris said, “Pfft, why stop there?” (Jerry Perisho)

      THE FAR EAST

      Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson may become our first Boxing Ambassador to China. No word on whether he'll give up his job voicing one of the Chipmonks on their annual Christmas album. (Bob Mills)

      A Chinese man got his arm stuck in a toilet pipe trying to retrieve the cell phone he’d dropped. And, he thought his cell service was shitty before. (Jerry Perisho)

      Starting in January, couples can actually get married at McDonald's in Hong Kong. I'm not saying those marriages won't work, but when have you been to a McDonald's and not regretted it one hour later? (Jimmy Fallon)

      INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

      Somebody threw a washing machine out of an upper-story window at the athletes' village in Delhi after Australia's cricket team lost to host India at the Commonwealth Games, but the Aussies denied any wrongdoing. Investigators can only hope that somebody comes clean. (Dwight Perry)

      A man in India just moved into a billion-dollar home with 27 floors. It's really hard to make excuses when friends ask to crash on his couch. He's like, "Oh, ordinarily I'd totally let you stay, but I already have like 2,000 friends staying with me." (Jimmy Fallon)

      SCIENCE

      Newly uncovered fossil evidence indicates that the ferocious T. Rex dinosaurs, when faced with starvation, may have cannibalized one another, billions of years before the earliest lawyers picked up on it. (Bob Mills)

      A vegetable grower in Florida has successfully grown a strain of red celery by crossing green celery with a tomato. The new variety of celery stalks not only look good, but they come in a Bloody Mary. (Bob Mills)

      There are several highly recognized species on the endangered list. They include the Siberian Tiger, the Giant Panda, and the Democrat campaigning proudly on health care reform. (Jerry Perisho)

      HEALTH

      Health insurance rejections due to pre-existing conditions have risen 50% in the past three years. Aside from illness and disease, sure turn downs include sweaty palms, excessive yawning and fear of public speaking. (Bob Mills)

      State regulators are backing a plan that would require health insurance companies to pay at least 80% of their premiums on health care. To which company executives are saying "Heath care?" (Jim Barach)

      A study shows that Americans take 5,117 steps every day, about half that of people in other countries. What's worse is that most of those steps are to the refrigerator and back to the couch. (Jim Barach)

      Red onions are supposed to be good for lowering cholesterol. They say that if you eat one red onion a day, you'll live alone, but you'll live longer. (David Letterman)

      The American Heart Association is making a huge change in its recommendations for CPR. The new guidelines call for chest compressions before and after you eat the Baconator. (Jake Novak)

      Apparently the Octomom still has 29 frozen embryos, which is almost enough to give one to each Chilean miner. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The Octomom's doctor says he didn't hear about her octuplets until after they ware born. He implanted her with twelve embryos. Shouldn't that have at least warranted a follow up call? (Jim Barach)

      Massachusetts is now facing a severe shortages in 10 medical specialties, mostly because there aren't enough psychiatrists to treat everyone who voted for Barney Frank. (Jake Novak)

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      A report says Arctic ice is disappearing and may never return to the way it was. That means the coldest place on the planet is now wherever Mel Gibson and Oksana Gregorieva are in the same room. (Jim Barach)

      SPORTS

      Rumors out of Indiannapolis say Lucas Oil Stadium may be renamed The OK Corral; possibly because so many Colts are getting blasted. (RJ Currie)

      Injuries including several concussions and a life-threatening spinal fracture marred NFL games last weekend. Could be costly. Three wide receivers can't remember the numbers of their off-shore bank accounts. (Bob Mills)

      The NFL is seriously considering suspending players for dangerous hits, but will anyone want to watch football games with only punters and kickers? (Jake Novak)

      The New York Yankees battle the Texas Rangers for the American League pennant tonight. The Yankees are listed by Forbes magazine as the best-paid team in sports. They're followed closely by the Lakers, the Mavericks, and the women the NFL pays to stay quiet. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Detroit Lions lost their 24th straight away game last weekend tying their own NFL record. A team hasn't had this much trouble on the road since Hope-Crosby. (RJ Currie)

      Urban Meyer being outcoached by Les Miles is like Britney Spears outscoring Einstein on the physics quiz. It's like the church ukulele player beating Eddie Van Halen in Guitar Hero." (Mike Bianchi).

      The rumor was that Fox scheduled the Giants-Phillies game three for the absurd time of 119p, (419p eastern time.) so it didn't interfere with their Tuesday night hit show. Well if so, for this Tuesday at least there was still no Glee in Philadelphia. (Janice Hough)

      Two Washington State football players were arrested Sunday morning after police say they found 38 marijuana plants growing in a Pullman rental house they shared with two other people. Good thing the cops didn't catch them harvesting it, pigskin purists say, or prosecutors might've tacked on another 15 yards for clipping. (Dwight Perry)

      The University of Georgia unveiled its latest bulldog mascot, Uga VIII. Uga's sole responsibility is to roam the sidelines, feigning interest. Just like Matt Leinart. (Brad Dickson)

      The only thing dropping faster than the San Diego Chargers' Super Bowl hopes is Junior Seau's SUV. (Jerry Perisho)

      NBA commissioner David Stern wants to reduce player salaries by 35%, a move that would also reduce paternity suits by 75% nationwide. (Jake Novak)

      A fan was able to get into a University of Michigan football game carrying an M-16. At least security was able to keep him from bringing in outside food and beverages in his cooler. (Jim Barach)

      ATHLETES

      Anna Kournikova told Maxim Magazine she wouldn't make a good spy because she couldn't keep her cover up and would end up exposing herself. Hmm. She makes it sound like that would be a bad thing. (RJ Currie)

      Hall of fame QB John Elway lost $15 million in a Ponzi scheme. He didn’t heed the advice of old rival Brett Favre. “Don’t expose what you have to others.” (Alan Ray)

      Brett Favre currently has an NFL record 6,171 completions on 9,962 attempts with 324 interceptions. This means Favre also has the dubious distinction of 3,467 incomplete passes; even more if you include a) the playoffs, and b) hostesses and massage therapists. (RJ Currie)

      Brett Favre was grilled by NFL investigators Tuesday over those lewd photos of himself sent to a N. Y. Jets cheerleader. It's all innocent. The photos that Brett sent to the cheerleader were intended for his wife but, Brett being Brett, they were intercepted. (Argus Hamilton)

      Apparently Brett Favre may lose some endorsements over his potential "sexting" scandal. On the brighter side, he could pick some up for junk food, probably In and Out burger. (Janice Hough)

      Tiger Woods was falsely identified by hooker Devon James as the man in a porno video with her on Tuesday. What a relief. This is not what his rehab counselors had in mind when they advised Tiger to seek professional help in dealing with his problem. (Argus Hamilton)

      Kung fu experts Xiao Lin, 22, and her sister Yin, 21, told Metro UK they're looking for the right man to wed using the ancient way: a tournament where would-be husbands must earn the right to propose by defeating the sisters in martial arts. This is not to be confused with marital arts where traditionally you get married first and fight afterwards. (RJ Currie)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      "Paranormal Activity 2" is out in theaters. A couple is haunted by bizarre, unwanted spirits in their home. Those Jehovah's Witnesses won't stop coming to their door. (Alan Ray)

      "Jackass 3D" just opened. It's the life story of New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino. (David Letterman)

      In "Jackass 3D," they play tetherball with a beehive. Which is fun, unless you're a bee. (Craig Ferguson)

      "Hereafter" is out in movie theaters this weekend. Matt Damon communicates with the dead. He prepped for the role by coaching the New Jersey Nets. (Alan Ray)

      Researchers are working on computer software that will dramatically slim movie and TV performers. It's being developed by K. O. Images, Inc., a new company founded by Kirstie Alley and Oprah Winfrey. (Bob Mills)

      The cast of "Jersey Shore" is negotiating a 4th season for next year. Look for more in-depth storylines. Each character will be given a second page of dialogue. (Alan Ray)

      Since the "Twilight" movies are set in the town of Forks, Washington, why don't they have Porky Pig come on at the end and say, "Uh-Thee-uh-thee-uh-thee-uh That's all, Forks!" (Tim Hunter)

      ENTERTAINERS

      In his new movie "Hereafter," Matt Damon is able to make contact with people who have died. He told reporters he prepared for the part by studying Mick Jagger communicating with Keith Richards. (Bob Mills)

      Robert Redford was knighted in France yesterday. I don't want to brag, but I was also knighted. Which was a huge honor because usually, Medieval Times will only do that on your birthday. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Robin Williams will make his Broadway debut playing a tiger in "Bengal Tiger at the Baghdad Zoo". The wardrobe designer didn't know whether to come up with a complete costume for the part or just have Williams dye his body hair orange. (Jim Barach)

      Lady Gaga has canceled her concerts in Paris because of the continued rioting there. As a result, decent music lovers are now starting riots in major cities across the world. (Jake Novak)

      Kim Kardashian turns 30 on Thursday. How do you distinguish her from a birthday party piñata? The piñata has some substance. (Alan Ray)

      THE MEDIA

      Fox News Channel host Brian Kilmeade is apologizing for saying on the air that "all terrorists are Muslim." No more true than saying, "All newscasters are morons!" Well, wait a minute... (Tim Hunter)

      Longtime "NFL Today" commentator Brent Musberger told a journalism class that he favors performance enhancing drugs for athletes. You know, like the three martinis he has delivered to his dressing room before going on the air. (Bob Mills)

      Co-hosts Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar walked off the set of "The View" while Bill O'Reilly was guesting. Well, uh, they didn't exactly walk off. Bill rubbed his Christine O'Donnell doll and poof! They disappeared. (Bob Mills)

      THE INTERNET AND BLOGGERS

      The U. S. is bracing for more secret documents being published by Wikileaks about the Iraq war. That takes the pressure to investigate the war from the mainstream media outlets who can concentrate more on the latest exploits of Lindsay Lohan. (Jim Barach)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Justice Clarence Thomas's wife Ginni left a message on Anita Hill's phone seeking an apology over her twenty-year-old charge of sexual harassment against her husband. Her Senate testimony introduced graphic sexual detail to live network television. It would pave the way for Bill Clinton eight years later to tell the country that he's not crooked. (Argus Hamilton)

      Clarence Thomas’s wife wants an apology from Anita Hill for the sexual harassment charges she levied against him 19 years ago. Wow, those short naps are refreshing, aren’t they, Mrs. Thomas? (Jerry Perisho)

      Penthouse magazine founder Bob Guccione died. Moving from the hearse to the gravesite, six naked buxom women will gently handle his body; much like when he was alive. (Jerry Perisho)

      Philadelphian Juan Rodriguez was refused the million dollars offered by a website mogul for streaking through an Obama rally last Sunday. It's because Obama never saw the guy. It'd be gay to look at a naked man when you've got two perfectly beautiful Teleprompters right there in front of you. (Argus Hamilton)

      Sen. John McCain’s daughter Meghan called Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell a “nut job”. Watch for O’Donnell’s new TV ad: “I am not a nut job; I am you”. (Jerry Perisho)

      EDUCATION

      A North Carolina student is suing her high school claiming her suspension for getting her nose pierced is unconstitutional because her church sees tattoos and body piercing as bringing you closer to God. When Dennis Rodman heard about this, he said "If that's a church, then I'm the Pope" (RJ Currie)

      Philosophy is a struggle to answer the most basic questions in life such as "Why are we here;" "Where do we come from;" and "What the hell was Brett Favre thinking?" (Craig Ferguson)

      One of Nietzsche's beliefs was that every person has different sides like free will versus destiny, good versus evil, or Mary Kate versus Ashley. (Craig Ferguson)

      RELIGION

      The Vatican ripped the Nobel Prize Committee Saturday for honoring the creator of in-vitro fertilization with the Nobel Prize for medicine. The logic is tricky. The pope forbids the use of surrogate mothers but it would be too much paperwork to ex-communicate Mary. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Crystal Cathedral, the mega-church in Orange County, CA, filed for bankruptcy protection. The church is $50 million in debt and doesn’t have the money to pay; what did they think they were, California? (Jerry Perisho)

      The Crystal Cathedral filed for bankruptcy in Orange County Tuesday, sixty years after Robert Schuller founded it. He always said that God can change hearts and God can change minds. It never occurred to anybody that Bank of America could change the locks. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Vatican says cartoon character Homer Simpson is a Catholic. The blow-up doll of himself he puts in church every week he refers to as the “immaculate deception”. (Jerry Perisho)
      HISTORY

      A book says that Bill Clinton lost the secret nuclear codes while he was in office. Of course, at the time he knew the biggest threat to his own safety came from Hillary. (Jim Barach)

      HOLIDAYS

      Halloween is a couple of weeks away. How is trick or treating like a political election? Both involve scary people and a whole lot of suckers. (Alan Ray)

      SURVEYS, POLLS & STUDIES

      Research journal Miller-McCune says we seek the same qualities in a life partner that we do in a chair. Here are the seats you'll bring home if you fancy one of the following: Lindsay Lohan - high chair; Matt Leinart - bench; Braylon Edwards - bar stool; Paris Hilton - recliner; LeBron James - throne. (RJ Currie)

      AWARDS

      The National Texting Contest was won by a thirteen-year-old girl from Brooklyn Tuesday. She typed the lyrics to Old McDonald in sixty seconds. For winning the texting contest she was awarded fifty thousand dollars and a California driver's license. (Argus Hamilton)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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