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Weakly Humerus News 10-09-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-0-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK With couples believing the 10/10/10 date will bring luck, there s so many weddings
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 9, 2010
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-0-10
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      With couples believing the 10/10/10 date will bring luck, there's so many weddings taking place world-wide this Sunday that a TV talking head said marriage will be the word of the day. I always thought marriage was a sentence. (RJ Currie)

      President Obama says the Democrats are waking up. Which is great when you're having a nightmare. (Jay Leno)

      Let me tell you something, Sarah Palin better be careful. Because this Christine O'Donnell is younger, hotter, and crazier. That's the things guys are looking for in a trophy candidate. So, be very careful. (Funny Quote for the Day)

      Christine O'Donnell's enemies proclaim she is a witch. Although admitting in her youth she attended coven meetings, she denies she ever became a witch. Christine should agree immediately to a water immersion test, the time tested method of proving guilt or innocence of harboring the demons she agrees are the cause of humans becoming witches. (Stan Kegel)

      Obama is going to tour India and Asia. I guess he wants to check up on American jobs. (Jay Leno)

      Astrologers have identified what they believe is the first planet ever discovered that is an exact duplicate of earth. In fact, planet Gliese 581g appears to be so similar to earth, they've already spotted three Starbucks on it. (Bob Mills)

      In a three-way swap that may be unprecedented in U.S. history, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is set to become Vice President of the United States, Vice President Joe Biden will become President of Afghanistan, and Afghan President Hamid Karzai will be traded to the Minnesota Vikings. Reached at the Vikings’ practice facility, Minnesota quarterback Brett Favre said he was “blown away” by the news: “I actually retired this morning, but this changes everything.” (Andy Borowitz)

      An incorrect phone number on boxes of boxes of Chad Ochocinco's cereal directed callers to a phone-sex line. He is now the top wide receiver in fantasy points. (Bill Littlejohn)

      EA Sports released a new version of the video game "NBA Jam" that features Obama, Biden, Bush, and Cheney. Bush and Cheney play the first half, then Obama and Biden try to come back from a 6 billion point deficit. (Jimmy Fallon)

      With the way Washington's Ryan Torain rolled Quintin Mikell Sunday, you might call the Redskin's running back an all-Torain vehicle. (Sam Farmer)

      The United States had to apologize today because in the 1940s, our government conducted experiments where scientists injected mentally ill Guatemalan prisoners with syphilis and gonorrhea. And Hillary Clinton was the one to make the apology. It was heartfelt. She said, 'I know what it's like to go to bed worrying that someone you love has an STD. (Bill Maher)

      Police in Kazakhstan say they are banning nasvai, a common form of chewing tobacco blended with chicken droppings. I'm not sure if nasvai is popular in MLB dugouts, but it would explain the fowl language. (RJ Currie)

      During a speech, Barack Obama's presidential seal inexplicably dropped off the podium. FBI forensic experts discovered evidence of a curse, but despite intense questioning were unable to crack Christine O'Donnell's alibi. (Bob Mills)

      CHRISTINE O’DONNELL

      Christine O'Donnell has a new commercial where she says, "I'm not a witch." Isn't that exactly what a witch would say? (David Letterman)

      Christine O'Donnell released a commercial in which she says, "I'm not a witch." That's pretty good, though not as effective as her opponent's slogan, "I'm not Christine O'Donnell." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell recently stated “I am not a witch.” “Well, we can’t all be perfect,” sniffed Hillary Clinton. (Janice Hough)

      Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell's TV ad says, "I am not a witch; I am you." I have one piece of advice for Christine: Get your prostate examined! (Jerry Perisho)

      There are many reasons to question Christine O'Donnell's claim to non-witchhood. In fact, the evidence is fairly conclusive: There is no other explanation for her winning the Republican primary. (Paul Benoit)

      Christine O'Donnell has a new campaign ad where she says she's not a witch. Nancy Pelosi was furious. She said, "Hey, that's my slogan." (Jay Leno)

      Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell was lampooned by Saturday Night Live last weekend for her opposition to masturbation. How can Tea Party members support her on this issue? Wasn't this country founded on the principles of rugged individualism? (Argus Hamilton)

      Delaware Sen. Candidate Christine O‚Donnell may have political ambitions far beyond the U. S. Senate. This week, asked about her future plans, she told reporters, "I dream of someday winning the Oval Office and traveling the world on Broom One." (Bob Mills)

      You know, they could do a public exorcism. if Christine O'Donnell is possessed by demons, as all witches are,, then the only way she can be saved is through exorcism. Truly, only a public exorcism can restore the faith of the voting public in Christine's candidacy. (Paul Benoit)

      Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell told the voters in a new TV ad she's not a witch. One-fourth of Americans think the president's a Muslim and a Senate candidate says she's no longer a witch. In just two years Mitt Romney's gone from being an exotic religious outsider to Pilgrim stock. (Argus Hamilton)

      Anyone who would create a television advertisement in which they deny being a witch has something to hide. She's not a vampire, because if she was, she would already have her own television show. Therefore she is indeed a witch. (Paul Benoit)

      Memo to campaign:Absolutely *NO* brooms in any of the campaign offices! - C.O'D. (Paul Benoit)

      Delaware Tea Party Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell once told a TV interviewer that she tried several religions but skipped becoming a Hare Krishna because she didn't want to give up meat. That, and she didn't look good in orange. (Tim Hunter)

      Christine O'Donnell said that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. I thought, "Have fun in Congress then." (Funny Quote for the Day)

      In 2006, Delaware Senate candidate, Christine O'Donnell said she had classified information that China was attempting to takeover the United States. Apparently China's plan is to hire non-masturbating witches to put a curse on us that will make us lie about where we went to college. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Today we found out that a third college Christine O'Donnell said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. I'm starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts (Bill Maher)

      Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell is taking criticism because she once said she dabbled in witchcraft. Yeah, everyone is talking about this. O'Donnell was like, 'If one more person claims I'm a witch, I will take legal action against them and their little dog, too!'" (Jimmy Fallon)

      More problems for candidate O'Donnell. It seems she canceled all her Sunday talk show appearances after a video surfaced her on Bill Maher's TV show where she admitted she once dabbled in witchcraft. So, apparently, she is pro-dabbling, but anti-diddling. (Jay Leno)

      Nation, I've have been a diehard supporter of Delaware Republican Senate Christine O'Donnell ever since I learned of her existence last week. She is a dynamic, conservative Christian who believes masturbation is adultery. And fellas she's single and will condemn you for masturbating. The total package. (Stephen Colbert)

      Christine O'Donnell is the Senate candidate from Delaware who's against masturbation and has dabbled in witchcraft. She's fighting back against the charges she's a witch with a new ad in which she says, 'I'm not a witch...I'm you.' I don't think this is a good strategy because I'm crazy. I would never vote for me. Besides, it doesn't make any sense. If she's me then she masturbates constantly. And if she's me then that means she can turn herself into other people, which means she's a witch. Quick, to the dunking tank! (Craig Ferguson)

      I feel bad for my part in this, and then the feeling passes when I imagine her in the Senate introducing the masturbation prevention act of 2012. (Bill Maher)

      She hates masturbation, which is ironic, because she owes her nomination to a bunch of jackoffs. (Bill Maher)

      She said that during the primary, 'I heard the audible voice of God, and he said one word: "credibility." Which is interesting, because she has no job, there's a lien placed on her home, and she's using campaign funds for her living expenses. Her platform is about bringing fiscal responsibility to Washington, but God said "credibility." I think what God should have said was, "Shut up and get a vibrator." (Bill Maher)

      A lot of people love this woman. In the last 24 hours she's raised more than $1 million. Which I think is ironic, because she's against masturbation, but she's taking money hand over fist. (Craig Ferguson)

      She is against masturbation. Frankly, I don't think it's any of her business what I do in the privacy of that voting booth. This is America, once you close that little curtain, you should be able to pull any lever you want. (Jay Leno)

      Her detractors say she's homeless, jobless, and can't pay her taxes. And her supporters say, 'Finally, someone who represents the average American. (Bill Maher)

      We know that O'Donnell has, for some time, made senseless proclaimations about everything from evolution to state secrets, replayed endlessly on national television. What better venue for casting coded spells? Note that 'mASturbATioN' spliced sideways is 'Satan'. (Paul Benoit)

      Mommy, Mommy! Can I be Christine O'Donnell for Halloween? (Paul Benoit)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Bob Woodward told CNN yesterday that an Obama/Hillary ticket is on the table for 2012, though some insiders say that Obama doesn't feel he needs Hillary on the ticket. At this point, I don't think Hillary feels that she needs Obama on the ticket. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama gave a big speech on the economy on Labor Day. He saw his shadow, so we'll have six more weeks of recession. (Funny Quote for the Day)

      President Obama has moved a 12-day tour of India and Asia to right after the November election. I can't imagine why he would want to leave the country right after the midterm election. (Jay Leno)

      Former vice president and presidential candidate Walter Mondale criticized President Obama for using teleprompters. He called them "idiot boards." Of course, Democrats were stunned. They said, "Walter Mondale is still alive?" (Jay Leno)

      Michelle Obama has been picked as the world's most powerful woman by Forbes. The selection is being challenged. Coming in with more money and just as much name recognition, it was seen as a real snub by Ryan Seacrest. (Jim Barach)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      There's a rumor gaining credibility in the Capital that Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden may swap jobs. Washington insiders report that Joe told Obama he'd be happy to go along with it on one condition -- that he wouldn't have to wear those ugly, bell-bottom pants suits. (Bob Mills)

      Bob Woodward told CNN Tuesday that Hillary Clinton may be Barack Obama's running mate in the next presidential election. He said that Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden may switch jobs. She will be the vice president and he'll be forgiving Bill every Sunday morning. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE CONGRESS

      A Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is great, a hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Senate has decided to limit the volume of TV commercials. Who says Congress doesn't get anything done? (David Letterman)

      Congress was delivered two million signatures Thursday asking that Jack Daniel's birthday be named a national holiday. The whiskey has special properties. It's not enough for your guests to feel drunk at a Washington D. C. party, they must feel drunk and important. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE STATES

      In Tennessee, firemen stood by and watched a house burn down because the owner had failed to pay a $75 monthly fee. But you really couldn't blame them -- they were completely out of quarters for their coin-operated hose. (Bob Mills)

      Firefighters in Tennessee stood and watched a house burn to the ground yesterday because the homeowners had not paid a $75 service fee. The firefighters are now uniquely qualified for careers in Congress. (Jake Novak) The U. N. named Malaysian Mazlan Othman to head the Office of Outer Space Affairs last week. Her job is to communicate with any aliens who try to contact mankind. Meg Whitman is advertising for a new housekeeper and the applications are bound to start coming in. (Argus Hamilton)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Firefighters in Tennessee stood and watched a house burn to the ground yesterday because the homeowners had not paid a $75 service fee. The firefighters are now uniquely qualified for careers in Congress. (Jake Novak)

      An over-eager visitor to a Dodge City, Kansas Wild West theme park Police were called when a 3-year old Florida pre-schooler was caught with twenty ounces of marijuana in his backpack. Surveillance cameras show he was cultivating it in a hidden corner of the Jack-N-Jill Day Care sand box. (Bob Mills)

      U.S. POLITICS

      "Do you know, where does this phrase 'separation of church and state' come from? It was not in Jefferson's letter to the Danbury Baptists.... The exact phrase 'separation of Church and State' came out of Adolph Hitler's mouth, that's where it comes from. So the next time your liberal friends talk about the separation of Church and State, ask them why they're Nazis.'' (Glen Urquhart, the Tea Party-backed Republican nominee for the Delaware House seat held by Rep. Mike Castle, April 2010)

      U.S. POLITICIANS

      Reality-show star and board-game mascot Donald Trump announced that he was thinking about running for president in 2012. Trump does have that I'm-just-like-you quality voters really seem to connect to. (Martin Williams)

      Donald Trump may run for president. Wouldn't that be exciting? We haven't had a president who wore a powdered wig since John Quincy Adams. (Jay Leno)

      Donald Trump is running for president. He's not the kind of guy that would stage something like this for publicity. I know it's official because today, Trump threw his hair into the ring. (David Letterman)

      Donald Trump is running for president. He's already got a short list of running mates. He's thinking about Cyndi Lauper, Hulk Hogan, Melissa Rivers, Sharon Osbourne . .. He's ready to go. (David Letterman)

      Billionaire real estate man Donald Trump is thinking about running for president. It would be awesome having the White House in New York City and watching Air Force One land in the Hudson. 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. would no longer be known as the White House, but instead Trump Plaza/DC. (Jerry Perisho)

      Donald Trump may run president. Is that a good idea? Haven't enough Americans already been told, "You're fired"? Well, at least there would be someone in politics with worse hair than Joe Biden. (Jay Leno)

      Trump refers to the White House as a "200-year-old tear-down." (David Letterman)

      So far, Meg Whitman has spent $140 million of her own money to run for governor of California. She wouldn't have that kind of dough to spend if she'd frivolously thrown it away on housekeepers born in this country. (Jerry Perisho)

      Meg Whitman’s latest commercial proclaims “Jobs are on the way.” Well, yeah, unless you are one of the 40,000 state employees whose job she has promised to cut. (Janice Hough)

      Meg Whitman, our own candidate for governor of California, is running on a platform that's as tough as nails on illegal immigration. We found out this week she had an illegal immigrant working in her house for nine years. Today Meg Whitman said she's willing to take a lie detector test to prove that she didn't know that she had an illegal alien cleaning her house. You know what, if we wanted a governor who swears they have no idea what's happening in their house, we'd move to Alaska. (Bill Maher)

      "Meg Whitman's campaign for governor of California is in trouble after it was disclosed that she had an undocumented alien working in her home for 9 years. The maid is now being represented by Gloria Allred. How about we let the maid stay and deport Gloria Allred? (Jay Leno)

      California GOP governor candidate Meg Whitman denied Democratic charges that she knew her maid was an illegal alien. Both sides are dug in. Republicans will certify their maids when Democrats can certify their presidents, until then it's a Mexican stand-off. (Argus Hamilton)

      That is not the only election shocker to come out of this state. Jerry Brown checked his personal records and found out he died in 1991. That's a hell of a choice we have. (Bill Maher)

      Meg Whitman and Jerry Brown held a debate in California. Whitman has spent $119 million of her own money on the campaign; Brown spent $1.19 on a cab ride to the convention center. Brown has spent his life in government service; Whitman once almost walked near a polling booth. Whitman is known for pioneering online purchasing; Brown is known for pioneering during the gold rush. (Jerry Perisho)

      Jerry Brown campaigned in California Thursday, vowing to get the state's economy booming again. It's always been boom-or-bust in the Golden State. Many of the Silicon Valley computer companies that started in a garage are now operating out of a smaller garage. (Argus Hamilton)

      At a rally in Wisconsin, Joe Biden told the crowd they were the dullest audience he'd ever seen. You don't do that. Just give them some candy. (Craig Ferguson)

      Sarah Palin’s camp has been criticizing Alaska GOP Senate candidate Joe Miller for his tepid comments about her qualifications to run for president in 2012. Miller finally responded by saying: “We have a constitutional requirement (for running for president). Of course she is qualified.” Palin is still not happy, but it’s more than many Republicans say about President Obama. (Janice Hough)

      Sharron Angle’s pastor, John Reed, has now gone after Harry Reid by saying that because he’s a Mormon, the Senator is a member of a “bizarre cult.” Hmm, Did Reed forget about that Mitt Romney endorsement? (Janice Hough)

      Carl Paladino's pit bull, Duke, bit another dog during a campaign stop this week. People who were there said he was growling, foaming at the mouth, and completely out of control. And so was his pit bull. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Senator Jim DeMint of South Caroline today said that gays and unmarried pregnant women should not teach in public schools. But I guess it’s okay for closeted gays and the fathers of these out-of-wedlock children. (Janice Hough)

      Virginia Democratic congressional candidate Krystal Ball is mad that suggestive photos of her at a Christmas party are on the Internet. She is sucking a plastic penis; so, if she loses this race, she still has a future as a White House intern. (Jerry Perisho)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      We're now in the longest, deepest recession since the Great Depression. When this recession started, Lindsay Lohan was known for her acting. (Jay Leno)

      The economy is so bad, Justin Bieber had to take a factory job in China. (Jay Leno)

      The Wall Street Journal reports the income of New Yorkers fell for the first time in seventy years this past year. The rich are leaving the state over high taxes. They'd have been blown away by the last hurricane in the Caymans if not for all the gold bars in their suitcases. (Argus Hamilton)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      According to a new study, children's weekly allowances have fallen to a seven-year low. In term's of pocket money, the survey ranked them behind garment workers and just ahead of CFL players. (RJ Currie)

      President Obama had said if the stimulus bill passed, companies like Caterpillar would hire a lot of Americans. Caterpillar has announced that they are hiring hundreds of workers, in China. And if you call the White House to complain, you get the hotline in India. (Jay Leno)

      McDonald's has vowed to fight San Francisco's plan to ban the non-nutritious "Happy Meal." This could get rough. The toy that comes with it is now a tiny Smith & Wessen automatic that shoots real bullets. (Bob Mills)

      Hewlett-Packard's new CEO, Leo Apotheker, just signed a three-year deal worth more than $50 million. It seems like a great deal now, but wait until he finds out how much the ink cartridges cost. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Stores in Cincinnati pulled Ochocinco's cereal off shelves because the 1-800 number on the box was a phone-sex line instead of a children's charity. I'm thinking they should just relabel them Ochocinc-ooooohs. (RJ Currie)

      Sears has announced a new clothing line for 2010. Wardrobe buyers at Sears appreciate the convenience. The Can't-Bust-Em overalls and the tuxedos are separated by only one-floor. (Bob Mills)

      TRANSPORTATION

      A US Airways flight was evacuated in Philadelphia today because a person without a security badge helped load the plane. People knew the guy didn't work at the airport, because he was actually doing work at the airport. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Obama Administration is trying to set a standard for cars to get 62 miles a gallon by 2025. Which means the top automaker by then could be John Deere. (Jim Barach)

      Ever cost-cutting Ryanair is now seeking permission to replace co-pilots with computers. Which raises the obvious question: If the pilot should die of a sudden heart attack, could a computer point out the landmarks? (Bob Mills)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      It's a good thing the Times Square bomber got life in prison because he'll never get a parking spot on Broadway again. (David Letterman)

      A Florida man is denying that cocaine found in his buttocks was his. Good luck finding anyone else who is going to snort that stuff now. (Jim Barach)

      A man in Oregon set his boss's car on fire because he was about to be fired. Man, if getting fired makes him set things on fire, I don't want to see what happens when he gets dumped. (Jimmy Fallon)

      While it can be hard to be funny, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to be a comedian. Latest case in point: Ralphie May, arrested for marijuana possession at Guam Airport… after he went over to pet the drug-sniffing dog. (Janice Hough)

      TERRORISM & SECURITY

      The Justice Department has determined that Muslim terrorists are using Facebook to communicate with supporters and other terrorists. The FBI now looks for anyone on Facebook whose list of friends includes 72 virgins. (Bob Mills)

      The White House has issued an alert for American tourists traveling in Europe over fears of a terror attack. But the joke's on you, terrorists. We can't afford to go to Europe. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Al Qaida is reportedly now recruiting in the U. S. The suicide bomber openings are a bit misleading. They advertise "Short Hours." (Alan Ray)

      Osama bin Laden keeps releasing audio tapes to show that he's still relevant. Really? Audio tapes? How about an iPod download? (David Letterman)

      They say Osama bin Laden is struggling to stay relevant. In his latest audio tape, bin Laden is talking about global warming. If he thinks it's hot now, wait until he gets to hell. (David Letterman)

      They say bin Laden keeps making these tapes to prove he's still alive. It's the same reason I do this show. (David Letterman)

      Osama bin Laden has released a new tape blaming the West for global warming. Shouldn't Osama be thanking us? You'd think a guy who lives in a cold, damp cave would appreciate a little global warming. (Frank King)

      NASA & SPACE

      The three man-made objects on earth so big they're visible from space: "1) Great Wall of China; 2) Pyramids in Egypt; 3) George Steinbrenner plaque at Yankee Stadium. (JS)

      UNITED NATIONS & WORLD COURT

      The United Nations has appointed its first head of the Office of Outer Space Affairs. Malaysian Mazlan Othman won the job over hundreds of applicants after she convinced the Security Council that she knows Art Bell. (Bob Mills)

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN

      The FBI sent 750 agents to San Juan Puerto Rico to arrest 70 Puerto Rican police officers implicated in a drug smuggling ring. The sting operation resulted in the largest roundup of Puerto Ricans that didn't involve baseball. (Bob Mills)

      EUROPE

      Plans are underway to build a high-speed bullet train that will carry tourists from Moscow to the French Riviera. French cabbies are studying World War II documentaries to brush up on their Russian obscene hand gestures. (Bob Mills)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      The government has announced a $60 billion arms deal with Saudi Arabia, the biggest in our history. We will sell Saudi Arabia F15 fighter jets, Apache and Black Hawk helicopters, and many other weapons that will one day be used against us. (Funny Quote for the Day)

      INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

      Linguists have discovered a new language spoken by a remote tribe in India that's understood by only 1,000 people. I believe the language is called "tech support." (Jay Leno)

      AUSTRALIA & OCEAN ISLANDS

      A man was found guilty by a Malaysian court of attempting to smuggle several endangered boa constrictors out of the country. Flight attendants became suspicious when he kept asking if any menu items in Tourist included live rats. (Bob Mills)

      SCIENCE

      The average American takes 5,000 steps per day, compared to the Swiss, who take 10,000 steps per day. Of course, most Hollywood celebrities can't even finish taking 12 steps. (Jay Leno)

      Charlie, a chimp in South Africa known for smoking cigarettes, has died at the age of 52. And I think you can probably guess what he died from. He drove his motorcycle off a cliff. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A new study found that Neanderthals were actually more clever and better looking than previously thought. It's the same conclusion I reached when I watched the second season of "Jersey Shore." (Jimmy Fallon)

      HEALTH

      Research shows that the No. 1 place you can pick up infections from is a doorknob. That's why I always lick doorknobs clean before using them. (Craig Ferguson)

      Doctors are warning that having a laptop in your lap could cause something called "toasted skin syndrome". By the way, that's "laptop" as in computers, not dances. They say the temperature of a laptop computer can reach up to 125-degrees. Wow. Gimme the name of THAT website! (Tim Hunter)

      In her fight against childhood obesity, first lady Michelle Obama is urging communities to make fresh produce more available to young people, even in liquor stores. If your kid is hanging out at the liquor store, obesity is the least of your problems. (Funny Quote for the Day)

      Concluding a lengthy study, researchers warn that babies whose mothers overeat during pregnancy are often prone to obesity. The AMA has condemned fast food menu items that target pregnant women such as McDonald's "Big Mom." (Bob Mills)

      One of the reasons it's so hard to get rid of the rhinovirus is that it's constantly evolving. Picture a germy Lady Gaga. (Craig Ferguson)

      A study says 9 out of 10 U. S. teens don't get the right amount of fruit and vegetables. The long term ramifications are profound. If they don't eat properly, they'll grow up to be U. S. adults. (Alan Ray)

      A new study found that almost 1 out of 10 Americans is depressed. Which, of course, just means 9 out of 10 Americans are annoying. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The best way to prevent a cold is to cover your mouth when you sneeze. I think that's why the Tyrannosaurus Rex went extinct. Because its arms were very short. (Craig Ferguson)

      A Chicago thoracic surgeon has invented a bra that can be used as a gas mask during a terrorist attack. And it's effective for all ages. It has a clasp that even a high school kid can unhook in an emergency. (Bob Mills)

      SPORTS

      A study shows that in three and a half hours of baseball, there were only 14 minutes of action. It's like my wedding night. (David Letterman)

      College football continues. The Alabama Crimson Tide have been working on their passing game. “Bill, you hand your test off to this tutor. George, you give your exam to that tutor.” (Alan Ray)

      The NFL fined Titans defensive coordinator Chuck Cecil $40,000 for flipping officials off on Sunday. When Cecil was asked to comment on the fine, he said, "Well, let's just say it's up to $80,000." (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Clippers' ad campaign of "New Coach; New Attitude; New Energy; New Passion; New Players" omits the two-word promise that would resonate loudest with long-suffering fans, "New Owner." (Jerry Crowe)

      Baseball’s postseason has begun. The New York Yankees have a lot of positives. Their starting rotation, their lineup, A-Rod’s PED test. (Alan Ray)

      The Pittsburgh Pirates are apparently about to fire manager John Russell after another losing season. But is this really fair? It’s hard to compete with a team where the average player makes less per year than Reggie Bush did at USC. (Janice Hough)

      I read about a 12-year-old boy in Mexico who is the youngest matador in the world. Not only that, I hear he also has the worst parents in the world. (Jimmy Fallon)

      ATHLETES

      Wide receiver Randy Moss has been traded by the New England Patriots to the Minnesota Vikings. At Brett Favre's request, Moss will continue wearing his Patriot's jersey, because he can only complete passes to guys not wearing a Vikings uniform. (Frank King)

      Going to bat against Roy Halladay of the Philadelphia Phillies results in what they call in baseball, "A Lindsay Lohan Album" -- not a single hit. (Tim Hunter)

      The baseball playoffs continue. Roy Halladay threw a no-hitter for the Phillies. There haven't been that many zeroes in one place since the last joint session of Congress. (Alan Ray)

      One of ESPN's talking heads praised the Texas Rangers for 'forgiving rather than firing' manager Ron Washington after he admitted last year to using Cocaine. Or as Tim Lincecum might put it: "Let he who has never been stoned throw the first rock." (RJ Currie)

      Much discussion in the SF area about whether the Giants will leave Barry Zito off the playoff roster. If they do, Zito and his $126 million contract might become known as the biggest waste of money in recent California history. Well, at least until Meg Whitman is done running for governor. (Janice Hough)

      The Minnesota Vikings got Randy Moss in a trade from the New England Patriots on Tuesday. It's a three-way trade. Randy goes to Minnesota to save Brett, Hillary goes to the West Wing to save Barack, and Biden goes to the State Department to save Israel. (Argus Hamilton)

      Veteran wide receiver Randy Moss has been traded to the Vikings. He would prefer real grass. That stuff they have in Minnesota is loaded with oregano. (Alan Ray)

      Jets receiver Braylon Edwards is the latest high-profile athlete charged with driving while intoxicated. Some players lock and load; others get loaded and locked up. (RJ Currie)

      Having completed his prison stretch for staging illegal dog fights, Michael Vick is now Philadelphia's first string quarterback. His parole officer okayed the move after concluding that eagles differ enough from fighting cocks so as not to provide a temptation. (Bob Mills)

      The Pittsburgh Pirates, who finished 57-105 for a pro sports record 18th straight losing season, are looking for a new manager after firing John Russell. It's gotten so bad for the Bucs the name at the top of their list is Tom Foolery. (RJ Currie)

      Rookie Dez Bryant picked up the check on a $54,894 dinner for the Cowboys. Lesson learned: sometimes tabs can be a lot heavier than pads. (RJ Currie)

      Cowboys rookie receiver Dez Bryant was forced to pay his veteran teammates' $54,896 restaurant tab unless he wanted to wash dishes for a month. If that's what restaurants are paying dishwashers these days, it's time for a career change. (David Thomas)

      Darcy Tucker announced his retirement from the NHL, but under terms of his 2008 buyout from Toronto, he will make $1 million this year. This is less than many current Maple Leafs will get this year for not playing hockey. (RJ Currie)

      Tour de France winner Alberto Contador blamed his positive drug test on eating contaminated meat. Maybe he should have passed on that Barry Bonds Burger. (Greg Connors)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      “The Social Network” is out in theaters. The story of the nerdy guys who created Facebook is a bit far-fetched. In several scenes, they actually talk to girls. (Alan Ray)

      "The Flintstones" is celebrating its 50th anniversary. Do you know the name of the car Fred Flintstone had to stop with his feet? It was called a Toyota. (Jay Leno)

      After years of delay, it looks like they're going to make the movie "The Hobbit." So, congratulations to Snooki. Nice to see her working. (Jay Leno)

      ENTERTAINERS

      Jennifer Anniston tops the list of the most eligible women in a poll by Vanity Fair. The amazing part is that Betty White finished in fourth place. How old are their subscribers? (Jim Barach)

      Lady Gaga was ahead of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Forbes' list of the most powerful women in the world. I'm not saying Pelosi's jealous, but today she showed up to work wearing a meat pantsuit. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Lady Gaga finished ahead of Nancy Pelosi on the Forbes list of most powerful women. Although Pelosi has never worn a meat dress she is always helping her colleagues pile on the pork. (Jim Barach)

      Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she's doing a Nazi salute. Let's be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice (Funny Quote for the Day)

      After being voted off Dancing With The Stars in week two, Michael Bolton returned this week to sing Hallelujah. The judges said if he had danced as well as he sings, they'd have voted him off in week one. (RJ Currie)

      Jimmy Johnson said he felt blindsided Thursday after he was voted off Survivor in a vote of other contestants. They couldn't wait to get rid of him. He just did a commercial for a male potency enhancer and the sheep on the island were tired of running. (Argus Hamilton)

      We now learn that Lindsay Lohan is being treated at the Betty Ford Clinic -- known among the famous and formerly-addicted as the gold standard of rehabs. You leave not only cured, but Betty pardons you. (Bob Mills)

      A story in the paper said that a picture of Lindsay Lohan in rehab would sell for $100,000. Today, police arrested a man with a camera who tried to force his way into the rehab facility to get the picture. His name is Michael Lohan. (Jay Leno)

      Lindsay Lohan has been to rehab so many times, the cafeteria named a sandwich after her. (David Letterman)

      Courtney Love says that she might quit twitter because she accidentally Tweeted a naked picture of herself.... and no one bothered opening it. (Tim Hunter)

      On actor David Hasselhoff's ill-fated "Dancing with the Stars" venture: Let me put it this way: I haven't seen such disjointed human motion since Jeff Bowden's Florida State offense. (Mike Bianchi)

      THE MEDIA

      News Corp, the parent company of Fox News, just gave $1 million to the U.S Chamber of Commerce, a pro-GOP business lobby that is trying to help the Republicans retake control of Congress. Golly. This could lead to people thinking Fox News might be biased. (Janice Hough)

      Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that Jews control the media on a satellite radio show. If he had said that on his show on CNN, he wouldn't have gotten in trouble because no one would have heard it. (Jay Leno)

      CNN news anchor Rick Sanchez was fired from CNN for criticizing the network's management. He'd been on thin ice there ever since he introduced Christianne Amanpour as "Kim Kardashian in drag." (Bob Mills)

      CBS reporter Howard Arenstein was arrested on Saturday for growing marijuana in his backyard. Which probably explains why all his news stories started with, "Dude, you're not going to believe this!" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Larry King said he wants to host "Saturday Night Live" Legally that's a problem, the NBC attorneys aren't sure if Larry King satisfies the live qualification of "Saturday Night Live." (Alex Kaseberg)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Kirsan Ilyumzhinov was re-elected president of the World Chess Federation. He's the same guy who recently told Russian TV that aliens took him for a ride in a spaceship in 1997. He also claims: 3. Plushenko beat the pants off Lysacek in Vancouver; 2. Anna Kournikova will win three more slams; 1. Ilya Kovalchuk is worth every penny. (RJ Currie)

      Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, is criticizing President Obama for not properly training his dog, Bo. Apparently, Bo still doesn't respond to simple commands such as "sit," "stay," and "fix the economy." (Jimmy Fallon)

      EDUCATION

      The governor of Texas is calling for guns on college campuses. It would change the culture of higher education. A student could show up for class whenever he damn well pleased. (Alan Ray)

      President Obama wants community colleges to produce an additional 5 million graduates by 2020. People in community college were like, "Whoa, you want us to finish in only 10 years? Stop with the pressure." (Jimmy Fallon)

      The former dean at St. John's University has been charged with using indigent students on scholarships as domestics to cook and clean her campus mansion. On a more positive note, they all had green cards. (Bob Mills)

      A former Dean at St. John's University is accused forcing students to clean, cook and act as her personal servants to keep their scholarships. But most of the scholarship students felt that was better than having to play for the basketball team. (Jake Novak)

      RELIGION

      The Vatican is attacking the Nobel Prize given to the developer of in-vitro fertilization, saying the process makes embryos a commodity. The Vatican says that shouldn't happen, unless the embryos develop and grow up to be altar boys. (Jim Barach)

      A nun serving in a convent near Paris credits prayers to Pope John Paul II for curing her Parkinson's disease. Her doctors confirm it was either the pope or the Miracle-Gro she used on the convent's prize petunias. (Bob Mills)

      HISTORY

      Last week marked the 72nd anniversary of Babe Ruth's home run he predicted for a dying boy. In a related story, fans in Cincinnati celebrated "Pete Rose Appreciation Day," an annual event hosted by Ohio's bookies. (Bob Mills)

      HOLIDAYS

      Oktoberfest is the time of year when Germans stop worshiping David Hasselhoff and start drinking like him. (Jay Leno)

      Happy Thanksgiving Canada. To make us truly thankful, this Monday TSN is sitting out Rod Black. (RJ Currie)

      AWARDS

      It's Nobel Prize week. Alfred Nobel was a Swedish chemist who invented dynamite. It seems strange to have a peace prize named after the guy that invented dynamite. (Craig Ferguson)

      Robert Edmunds, who developed in-vitro fertilization has won the 2010 Nobel Prize for Medicine. His research has led to the birth of an estimated four million babies. And that's not even including the Octomom. (Jim Barach)

      The Prize for Literature went to the author Mario Vargas Llosa. That's super, Mario. (Craig Ferguson)

      They gave out the Nobel Prize for Literature, which is very exciting. It guarantees monster sales. Sorry, I'm thinking about Oprah, the Nobel Prize doesn't mean anything. (Craig Ferguson)

      Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo has won the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize for his long and non-violent struggle for fundamental human rights in China. Second prize went to the guy who's trying to get Verizon to start providing service for the iPhone. (Jake Novak)

      The Nobel Prize is given out by a mysterious group called "Scandinavians." (Craig Ferguson) They give a prize for medicine, for physics, and for comedy variety. (Craig Ferguson)

      The Nobel Peace Prize is like the Oscar for best picture. The prize for science is like the Oscar for sound editing. (Craig Ferguson)

      OTHER

      BjornBorg.com is inviting visitors to send a photo of themselves in Borg's name brand underwear and if your pic gets more online votes than anyone else's, you win your weight in skivvies. I wonder what my over/under is on that? (RJ Currie)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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