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Weakly Humerus News 10-02-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-02-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK President Obama s approval rating dropped again. Things are so bad, Muslims are
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 2 12:55 AM
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 10-02-10
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      President Obama's approval rating dropped again. Things are so bad, Muslims are accusing him of being Christian. (Jay Leno)

      The NCAA cited Chattanooga for failing to monitor calls and text messages by its basketball coaches to high school players. The NCAA's questioning went like this: "Pardon me boy, is that the chap you did recruit you?" "Here's tweet 99; it's how he got me to sign!" (Jerry Perisho)

      Pamela Anderson is offering to film a movie bedroom scene with a complete stranger as part of a competition being sponsored by Nokia. The only catch is the contract you have to sign is heavily front-loaded. (RJ Currie)

      The NY Times used to be called "The Gray Lady" for being drab and conservative. Now she's a colorful socialist known as "Auntie Business." (Scott Witt)

      Well, this week, China gave a vote of confidence in the U.S. dollar. Well, you know why? They own them all. Of course they're confident. (Funny Quote for the Day)

      Not only is George Steinbrenner's memorial at Yankee Stadium about three times larger than those around it, I just read it weighs 760 pounds. And my dentist thinks I have a problem with plaque build-up? (RJ Currie)

      BP announced earlier today that they have created a new Safety Division for offshore drilling. In related news, General Custer has just hired a lookout. (David Letterman)

      Stanford's FB/LB Owen Marecic became the first player to score both ways at Notre Dame since a 1976 campus visit by David Bowie. (Bill Littlejohn)

      Barnes & Noble has been put up for sale. I wonder what kindled the decision. (Scott Witt)

      President Obama was invited to a meeting of all Nobel Peace Prize winners this November in Japan. Of all the awards in the world, it's the most prestigious and the most highly publicized. People in Los Angeles would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. (Argus Hamilton)

      CHRISTINE O’CONNELL

      Republican Senator Tom Coburn said yesterday that Christine O'Donnell, if elected, will be able to combat the stupidity in Washington. So I guess they're going to fight fire with fire. (Jay Leno)

      Delaware Senate Republican candidate Christine O'Donnell, who says that abstinence and donning "man pants" are only the first steps toward reducing teenage promiscuity, has just released her anti-desire "Roadmap to Frustration" to the media. O'Donnell says the keystone of her approach is "educating teenagers about the evils of self-stimulation," what the Roadmap calls "sinsturbation." Indeed, her "Roadmap to Frustration" recommends that sinsturbators be cited for an "LWIS: Loitering with Intent to Sin" and advocates a night in jail "for any teenager caught trespassing in the Danger Zone, which is Under Construction and should be detoured until marriage, when the lane may open, but only when the destination is Baby on Board." "Remember," O'Donnell said, "frustration-liness is next to Godliness!" (Kate Heidel)

      So it turns out that Christine O'Donnell once dabbled in witchcraft. So what? Nancy Pelosi has long dabbled in bitchcraft. (Scott Witt)

      So it turns out that Christine O'Donnell once dabbled in witchcraft. So what? Nancy Pelosi has long dabbled in bitchcraft. (Scott Witt)
      Delaware Sen. Candidate, Christine O'Donnell is against masturbation, she said she is a witch and now she claims scientists have put human brains in mice. She is officially the craziest O'Donnell there is and that is saying something with Rosie out there. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Christine O'Donnell was caught lying about her educational background. She may not believe in pleasuring herself, but she thought her resume needed massaging. (Craig Ferguson)

      Until last week it said on her online profile that she attended Oxford University, which of course one of the most prestigious colleges on earth. Stephen Hawking teaches at Oxford, Rhodes scholars go there. She didn't go to Oxford, which is a shame, because Oxford's rugby team is called the Fighting Masturbators. That's their nickname because they always choke. (Craig Ferguson)

      Delaware Sen. Candidate, Christine O'Donnell is against masturbation. There is something weird about someone being against masturbation, I just can't put my finger on it. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Another television clip has surfaced of Christine O'Donnell, this time in 2003 when she vowed to stop unmarried Americans from having sex. Well, at least this won't hurt her with that all-important Tea Party Trekkies contingent. (Janice Hough)

      Christine O'Donnell didn't go to Oxford. It turns out she took a class from something called the Phoenix Institute, which happened to be renting a classroom at Oxford. That's like saying you're a TV star, but really you're just on CBS during the middle of the damn night. (Craig Ferguson)

      Christine O'Donnell lists both Claremont Graduate University and Oxford University on her resume. But this week both institutions denied she had ever attended their classes. USC is wondering if they can use the same logic with Reggie Bush. (Janice Hough)

      I understand why Christine would want people to think she went to Oxford. Oxford has produced some legendary politicians. Margaret Thatcher, Tony Blair, Bill Clinton went to Oxford. I'm sure Bill would remember Christine if he saw her at Oxford. "Hey baby, I hear you're a witch. You want to ride my broomstick? Because if you don't, I'll do it myself, and that would be wrong." (Craig Ferguson)

      We shouldn't judge candidates on what they stood for 25 years ago. It's what they stand for today. Because if you look at Christine O'Donnell now, past the media hubbub and what she's actually saying, you'll see she's f*cking insane. But look, I work in late-night television, and frankly we kind of need one of those every now and again. It helps, is what I'm saying. Look, give me one out of 100. Give me one! (Craig Ferguson)

      Christine O'Donnell doesn't believe in evolution. She asked why monkeys aren't still evolving into humans. I was like, "It doesn't happen that fast." (Craig Ferguson)

      It just gets worse for Christine O'Donnell. Today a number of witches and warlocks came forward to say that besides not attending all those schools, they have no record of her ever really dabbling in witchcraft either. (Janice Hough)

      She may be crazy, but I like that Delaware Sen. Candidate, Christine O'Donnell, she looks like the real estate lady with her face on the bus stop bench. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Christine O'Donnell wants us to believe that she is a different person from the woman who made all those crazy quotes in the past. But since people really don't tend to change all that much as they get older, seems like electing her would just result in "The New Adventures of Old Christine." (Janice Hough)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      Yesterday President Obama told voters that he's a Christian. But you see how Fox News reported it? They said Obama admits he's a follower of the bearded radical from the Middle East. (Jay Leno)

      In a new interview with Rolling Stone magazine, President Obama said he has Stevie Wonder, Bob Dylan, and the Rolling Stones on his iPod. Unfortunately, the question was "Do you have a plan to fix the economy?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama said today that education is the key to our economic turnaround. He said once Americans start getting smarter, the economy will start to improve. So you know what that means: we are screwed. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama has listed the songs on his iPod. The Tea Partiers are checking to see if 'Born in the USA' is on the list. (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama has written a children's book. Why not? He's got nothing else on his plate. Obama's book is called "The One-Term Engine That Could." (David Letterman)

      President Obama said today that change is hard. You think it's hard now? Wait until the House changes in November. (Jay Leno)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Vice President Joe Biden lashed out at fellow Democrats. He said that those Democrats that didn't get what they wanted should just "buck up." Of course, Joe Biden has "bucked up" a number of times. (Jay Leno)

      Rahm Emanuel is leaving the White House. Is he really quitting or just pulling a Leno? (David Letterman)

      Rahm Emanuel is leaving the Obama administration. He wants to become mayor of Chicago. If you're mayor of Chicago, that means you report directly to Oprah. (David Letterman)

      The U.S. Postal Service has been denied permission to raise postage rates. It may appeal, saying it needs more money to feed the snails. (Scott Witt)

      THE CONGRESS

      It was a very good week for getting absolutely nothing done in Congress. They blocked, the Republicans did, the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. We thought this was going to be a done deal. I don't know what their problem is with Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Even if it is repealed, there will still be a major American institution where gays are still forced to hide in shame and secrecy: The Republican party. (Bill Maher)

      GOP House Minority Leader John Boehner was targeted by the New York Times with an adultery probe Friday. It could affect the November elections. The Republicans have had so many sex scandals in the past year they're starting to attract Democratic voters. (Argus Hamilton)

      House Minority Leader John Boehner says he has never been in a tanning bed and that he gets his dark complexion from his mother. Either he's lying or Snooki's a lot older than she's telling us. (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE STATES

      California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he'll suspend executions in his state after September 30th because of a shortage of the lethal injection drug, sodium thiopental. See what happens? You let Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan out of jail and California runs out of drugs. (Frank King)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Mayor Bloomberg is outlawing smoking in Central Park. Murder is still OK, but you can't smoke. (David Letterman)

      Isaac Stoltzfus, a Pennsylvania District Court Judge from the village of Intercourse, is facing a disorderly conduct charge for allegedly approaching women near the state Capitol and handing them acorns he had hollowed out and stuffed with condoms When confronted by officers last Tuesday, Stoltzfus claimed the bizarre incident was a joke. The citation does not disclose the size of the acorns Stoltzfus passed out, or whether the condoms had been used. (Dan Heinrichs)

      A 3-year-old boy in Florida showed up to school with 20 ounces of pot. The school board was outraged but the kid's teacher was like, "Hey, it beats an apple." (Craig Ferguson)

      A high school student in North Carolina, expelled for wearing a nose ring, is appealing on the grounds that it's required by her religion. But so far, school board members are just not convinced that Paul Bunyon's bull is a legitimate god. (Bob Mills)

      In Kansas, a delivery truck carrying 10,000 snack cakes was stolen. Police are looking for that 3-year-old boy from Florida. (Craig Ferguson)

      U.S. POLITICS

      House Republicans gathered outside a Virginia hardware store and read out their Pledge to America legislative platform. Colin Powell was there. They bumped into him while he was picking up day laborers in the hardware store parking lot. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Republicans released their 'Pledge to America.' It's 21 pages of phony charts and bad ideas. Sarah Palin got a copy, and she said, "How am I supposed to fit all this crap on my hand?" (Bill Maher)

      These Tea Party groups are very conservative. In fact, 58 percent of Tea Party members now believe Joe Biden is a Muslim. (Jay Leno)

      The Democrats are giving up on their tax cuts for the middle class until after the election. … Have they seen the polls? Planning to do this after the election. This is like a condemned man asking for a doggie bag at the last meal. (Bill Maher)

      The Democrats, these pussies, are unbelievable. They are giving up on their tax cut for the middle class until after the election. They have the worst salesmen in the world. They could not talk Lindsay Lohan into a rum and coke. (Bill Maher)

      U.S. POLITICIANS

      Sarah Palin was considering running for president, until she heard it was a four-year deal. (David Letterman)

      There's a new opera about Bill Clinton. I don't know how it ends, but I bet it isn't with the fat lady singing. (Craig Ferguson)

      It's getting very nasty in Louisiana in the Senate race down there. The Democrat that's running has a two-minute TV ad about Republican Sen. David Vitter, which features the hooker that Vitter paid $300 to. It's a two-minute ad. And here's the embarrassing part for Vitter: the ad lasted a minute longer than he did. (Jay Leno)

      South Dakota Senator John Thune says he's talked to his wife about running for president in 2012. And of course his wife had the same question that we all have: "Who are you again?" (Jay Leno)

      A poll says that President Bill Clinton is the most popular politician in America with a 55% favorable rating. Which if that holds true for George W. Bush, he could see his numbers climb into the 30s by 2030. (Jim Barach)

      The wife of Republican New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino said she accepts that her husband had an affair, that he has a mistress, and the mistress had his baby. He actually convinced her this is no big deal. Guys, let me tell you this, don't try this at home. This guy is a lawyer, a real estate developer, and a politician. That is the trifecta of professional liars. (Jay Leno)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      Consumer confidence has dropped to its lowest level since February. Which asks the question, why was anyone more confident with the economy back then? (Jim Barach)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Bought a pound of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. They should have called it I Can't Believe It's Not A Pound. The new weight is 15 ounces. (Scott Witt)

      The Emergency Bra was patented by a Chicago doctor Thursday and put on sale for thirty dollars. In an emergency, women can flip it up over their faces and breathe through air pockets in the cups. From now on, terrorist attacks are going to be a good-news, bad-news joke. (Argus Hamilton)

      McDonald's is threatening to drop health coverage for their hourly workers because of money. They should just be glad they don't have to provide health insurance for their customers. (Jim Barach)

      Fisher-Price is recalling more than 11 million kids' products that have been declared unsafe. Fisher was apologetic and concerned, but Price said, "Hey, God made kids' bones so they'd heal fast." (Jerry Perisho)

      Latest victim of the internet, the once-mighty Blockbuster Video has declared bankruptcy. Assets are being auctioned off and HBO has already purchased all the adult cassettes to help them program their eight new porn channels. (Bob Mills)

      Forbes has come out with its list of the richest 400 people in America. No. 1 was Bill Gates. No. 2 was Tiger Woods' wife. (Jay Leno)

      Wal-Mart has announced that it will soon introduce "mini-stores" to be located in rural regions of the country without shopping malls. Everything will be scaled down. Greeters have already been hired from surviving "Wizard of Oz" Munchkins. (Bob Mills)

      TRANSPORTATION

      A report says that a ban on texting while driving does not result in a reduction of crashes. Mostly because if people can't text they will watch movies, play with their iPod or put on their makeup while they are driving. (Jim Barach)

      Kia is recalling their logo on their hoods. Not because they injure anyone, it's just that the owners are embarrassed to have it on there. (Jay Leno)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      A Justice Department investigation has revealed that up to 200 FBI agents may have cheated on a recent proficiency exam. Supervisors became suspicious when they all knew the exact number of J. Edgar Hoover's personal account at Frederick's of Hollywood. (Bob Mills)

      NASA & SPACE

      US astronomers say they've discovered an Earth-sized planet that they think might be habitable. If everything goes well, they predicted, within 4 years, we could have a Starbucks there. (Tim Hunter)

      UNITED NATIONS & WORLD COURT

      At the UN, President Obama called on other countries to help us track down and eliminate radicals and extremists. But they told Obama, "Hey, the tea party is your problem, buddy." (Jay Leno)

      The United Nations is appointing an official space alien greeter to meet and greet any aliens that may visit Earth in the future. Well, how does this make Mexican people coming to America feel? (Jay Leno)

      CANADA

      Toronto's High Court legalized prostitution Tuesday, ruling that Canada's laws banning prostitution are unconstitutional. Change was swift. Now hookers clog the sidewalks, customers jam the streets and everyone stands before the Toronto Blue Jays game and sings Ho Canada. (Argus Hamilton)

      A Canadian judge struck down that nation's laws against prostitution. Now, in addition to getting cheap Canadian drugs, Americans can get cheap sex that they have to take the drugs to cure. (Jerry Perisho)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      Paramedics in Sussex, England found their victim with no heartbeat, pulse or blood pressure so left him for the coroner who later discovered the man was still alive. Such incidents are rare and are referred to in the medical profession as "the Keith Richards Syndrome." (Bob Mills)

      A 23-year old British woman with 38 tattoos and 26 body piercings was insulted when a government employment clerk told her to "stand behind a wall or wear a bag over your head for interviews." Worked out, though. She's been hired by Jesse James as a reference library. (Bob Mills)

      EUROPE

      Paris police say the city has thwarted a massive al Qaeda attack. The terrorists were apparently ready to bomb several targets, but after living in Europe for several months they all refused to work more than three hours a day. (Jake Novak)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      During a trip next month, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he's planning to throw a rock at Israel. And today, Israel introduced its newest defense weapon: paper. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Top 10 Things Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Likes About America: #1. "I thought I was nuts 'til I heard Glenn Beck" (David Letterman)

      While in New York City, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad met with Louis Farrakhan. I'm not sure where they met, but I think we can rule out the Carnegie Deli. (Jay Leno)

      A high-powered computer virus infected 30,000 computers linked to the Iranian nuclear power program. It's the first time people have talked about a 'worm' in Iran when they didn't mean Ahmadinejad. (Jerry Perisho)

      THE FAR EAST

      After a lot of speculation, the Chinese government has decided not to change its one-child policy next year. In a related story, China just renewed its most popular show, "Jon & Kate Plus One and That's It." (Jimmy Fallon)

      SCIENCE

      Reuters reports that a fashion designer and a professor of particle technology successfully tested on a female model a new polymer-fabric clothing that is sprayed on like a second skin. In a related story, Mexican sports reporter Inez Sainz has since been invited to pose for Playboy. (RJ Currie)

      The good news is that scientists have found a giant Earth-like planet, and it may support human life. Whatever you do, don't tell British Petroleum. (David Letterman)

      Owls are very interesting creatures. They've got tiny bodies and giant heads and they vomit out little hairy pellets. They're exactly like the cast of "Desperate Housewives." (Craig Ferguson)

      Italian researchers say a robot named iCub successfully hit a target with a bow and arrow on its eighth try. I'm not saying iCub's name was inspired by the MLB team; just that the first seven attempts it shot itself in the foot. (RJ Currie)

      Workers for Southern Cal Edison excavating in an area near Los Angeles unearthed fossils that date back 1.4 million years. The age, sex and cause of death of the human samples will be determined on the new CBS fall series "CSI: Jurassic Park." (Bob Mills)

      HEALTH

      The DEA placed reception centers at over 4000 locations and encouraged patients to return their outdated medications. And none too soon. A recent study showed that Viagra tablets taken past their expiration date won't even help a patient raise his hand at a PTA meeting. (Bob Mills)

      The U. S. was rated the fattest country in the world Monday in a new world health survey of rich nations. Reaction split along party lines. Democrats threatened junk food makers with federal regulations and Republicans warned Iran that if they don't behave we'll sit on them. (Argus Hamilton)

      Obesity continues to be a problem in this country, As it turns out, the oceans aren't rising; the continents are sinking. (Jerry Perisho)

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      The Weather Channel said Los Angeles recorded the hottest temperatures in city history Monday. No one could escape the one hundred-and-fifteen-degree heat. It was so hot in Beverly Hills that Lindsay Lohan was sticking to her plea-bargain agreement. (Argus Hamilton)

      There's a heat wave in Southern California. It was so hot, the thermometer at the National Weather Service broke. That's ridiculous. I have three meat thermometers at home that go up to 200 degrees. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Los Angeles broke out in brushfires Wednesday after days of one-hundred-degree heat. It was hard to see or breathe. For the first time in history, smoke actually blew inside Paris Hilton's Escalade when the officer ordered her to roll down the window. (Argus Hamilton)

      Los Angeles had a record high temperature of 113 on Monday. It was so hot, Lindsay Lohan tested positive for freon. (Tim Hunter)

      It was so hot in Los Angeles that instead of Botox, people were getting injections of Ben & Jerry's. (Craig Ferguson)

      SPORTS

      The NFL season has begun. The Pittsburgh Steelers have the best defense in the league. They've stopped more forward progress than a Capitol Hill Republican. (Alan Ray)

      Dion Phaneuf says the Maple Leafs will be an exciting team that will show people the negative things they've said are wrong. You know what, I believe him. And Windows 7 was my idea. (RJ Currie)

      The Chicago Cubs had a bomb threat, a bat stabbed a player. And this was the good part of their season. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The NFL season may be expanded from 16 to 18 games. Most teams will feel the effects of a longer season. For example, the Detroit Lions will lose two more games. (Alan Ray)

      UCLA 34 – Texas 12. Texans haven't been so embarrassed since George W. was president. (Janice Hough)

      On Texas getting pummeled by a combined 100-15 the last two times the Bruins came to town: 'UCLA: University of California that Loves Austin.' (David Thomas)

      The top three things the average Canadian male loves on ice: 3. Curling; 2. Hockey; 1. Jaime Sale. (RJ Currie)

      Beginning this season, every NBA teams will wear new uniforms that are 30% lighter, fast-drying and more environmental friendly. However, every tests show that while wearing this type uniform, Kobe Bryant passes the ball 20% less. (Tim Hunter)

      Turns out San Francisco 49ers and Giants fans have something in common. They both root for teams who do all their scoring once a week. (Janice Hough)

      For those of you confused by economic terms, a recession is when you go from starting quarterback to backup quarterback, and a depression is when you go from backup quarterback to unemployed. We'll see if another NFL team offers Trent Edwards a stimulus package. (Budd Bailey)

      Let 'Er Buck was unveiled this month as the official, limited-edition cologne of the Pendleton Round-Up, in commemoration of its 100th rodeo. It's available in selected stores for just $69. (Dwight Perry)

      On the offensively challenged Giants and Padres meeting this weekend with the NL West on the line: "This could be the first MLB playoff spot ever decided by penalty kicks." (Janice Hough)

      ATHLETES

      Giants running back Brandon Jacobs was fined $10,000 for throwing his helmet into the stands during the Colts game. Next time he should count to ten before flipping his lid. (RJ Currie)

      Suddenly, Michael Vick's jerseys are in demand. They are perfect for house-training the dog. (Jerry Perisho)

      For the second time in two weeks, Kansas City Chiefs defensive end Shaun Smith has been accused of grabbing an opposing player's genitals. It's sort of like grabbing the flag in flag football; at least he didn't rip it off. (Jerry Perisho)

      Giants running back Brandon Jacobs threw his helmet into the stands during Monday night's game against the Colts, earning him a $10,000 penalty from the NFL, along with loss of down for intentional grounding. (Dwight Perry)

      Did you see Patriots receiver Randy Moss' one-handed TD catch against the Jets last week? In a sign of the times, he was Tweeting with his free hand. (Brad Dickson)

      A pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds -- Aroldis Chapman---has pitched the fastest ball every thrown in Major League Baseball: clocking in a 105 miles per hour! That's actually faster than David Letterman running home a mistress! (Tim Hunter)

      Kroger stores in Cincinnati had to pull boxes of Ochocincos cereal off their store shelves when the 1-800 number on the box — directing consumers to donate to the Feed The Children charity — instead connected callers to an explicit phone-sex line. Alas, it should have been a 1-888 number. "Anyone I've affected, I really do apologize. Some people got a laugh out of it, others are upset. Remember, this was made in Pittsburgh. Something isn't right." (Chad Ochocinco)

      Chad Ochocinco has a breakfast cereal sold in the Cincinnati area that benefits "Feed the Children" Unfortunately a phone number on the box for further donations has a typo that results in callers reaching a phone sex line. Not maybe what Ochocino meant in his tweet urging his fans to buy the cereal and "start your day with a l'il sugar." (Janice Hough)

      X-rays taken after Sunday's game revealed that Reggie Bush had fractured a bone in his right leg. In view of his recent Heisman Trophy scandal, the dean of the U. S.C. School of Veterinary Medicine recommended that he be put down. (Bob Mills)

      Ichiro Suzuki of the Mariners leads the league in hits, but isn't even in the top 40 in runs scored. The guy has more trouble getting support than Dolly Parton. (RJ Currie)

      David Beckham denied cheating on his wife Posh Spice with hookers Friday despite three eyewitness accounts. There will always be prostitution. What other profession in the world can get a man to walk up three flights of stairs in the morning? (Argus Hamilton)

      Yet another cycling star — three-time Tour de France winner Alberto Contador — tested positive for a prohibited drug during this year's race. And in other startling news, the Yankees have a bigger payroll than the Pirates and Michael Vick isn't president of PETA. (Dwight Perry)

      Online photos popped up his week of Calgary quarterback Henry Burris shirtless and wearing a bra. Looks like Darian Durant might not be the only quarterback nicknamed 'Double D.' (RJ Currie)

      Phil Jackson, who says he always feels like each season could be his last as a coach, said that he has given the Lakers' upcoming season the theme of "The Last Stand", with one caveat: "I hope it doesn't turn out like Custer's." (Orange County Register)

      Colts defensive ends Robert Mathis and Dwight Freeney teed off on Giants QB Eli Manning. It wouldn't be surprising to learn that Mathis and Freeney washed little pieces of Eli down the drain in the shower after the game. (Tim Keown)

      How bad has David Garrard's quarterbacking been this year for the Jacksonville Jaguars? Not only is he in danger of being pulled, they're considering filling the void with Null. (RJ Currie)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      The producers of "Sesame Street" withdrew a music video featuring Elmo and Katy Perry after parents complained that her dress was too revealing. Reminiscent of the uproar that occurred when Lady Gaga guested and wanted to wear a dress made out of Kermit. (Bob Mills)

      "The Social Network" is out in theaters. The story of the nerdy guys who created Facebook is a bit far-fetched. In several scenes, they actually talk to girls. (Alan Ray)

      ENTERTAINERS

      Court records indicate that in 2007, Paris Hilton was granted federal trademark protection of her signature phrase "That's hot." She also applied for a trademark on "Not guilty, your honor," but Lindsay Lohan had beat her to it. (Bob Mills)

      On the latest Mel Gibson tape, he insults women and uses ethnic slurs and obscenities. I knew Mel was an actor and a director, but apparently he’s also a rapper. (Funny Quote for the Day)

      Jay Leno wrote a children's book. It was called, "Good night, Conan." (Craig Ferguson)

      Lindsay Lohan has been freed on $300,000 bail. She will have to wear an ankle alcohol monitor while she is out. You know you have a problem when it is easier to detect alcohol on your ankle than on your breath. (Jim Barach)

      Lindsay Lohan was ordered back to rehab until Oct. 22, which would give her almost no time to find a Halloween costume. It was a big news event. I mean, this is the girl from the "Herbie the Lovebug" remake. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Lindsay Lohan reportedly checked into a new rehab facility today. She said the same thing she always does when checking in: "Keep the car running." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Justin Bieber dolls will hit stores in time for the holidays. Apparently the dolls will eat, sleep and need to be changed. Just like Bieber. (Jim Barach)

      After 17 years of marriage, George Lopez and his wife are getting divorced, or, as they say in LA, "not being renewed for another season." (Tim Hunter)

      It was a rough night for David Hasselhoff. He sobered up, turned on "Dancing With the Stars," and realized he's been eliminated. (Jay Leno)

      It's being reported that Cher has hired a Hollywood screenwriter to turn her life story into a Broadway musical. Here's a working title: "It's not always Sunny." (Tim Hunter)

      Actress Kelly McGillis married her girlfriend. I can't believe the star of "Top Gun" is gay. And so is Kelly McGillis. (Craig Ferguson)

      THE MEDIA

      Bob Woodward has written a book which states that the White House agonized over the decision to leave Iraq. Too bad no one agonized over the decision to go into Iraq." In the book, they talk about bitter arguments, personality conflicts, and power struggles. And that's just with Obama's mother-in-law. (David Letterman)

      The head of CNN was fired, as CNN's ratings have been going down because they keep reporting... news. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Well, here's some information about real estate. Rush Limbaugh had an apartment here in New York City. Sold it for $11.5 million. It has a very narrow view. (Funny Quote for the Day)

      If Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh were dead, all the attention being paid to Glenn Beck would make them turn over in their graves. (Scott Witt)

      Larry King wants to be on "Saturday Night Live." It's No. 4 on his bucket list. (David Letterman)

      THE INTERNET AND BLOGGERS

      Internet security company McAfee has just released its 2010 ranking of the 50 riskiest celebrities to search online because they lead to different sites, viruses and other computer issues. Three sports-related celeb problems you should watch for: #33. Tiger Woods - loss of drive control; #14. Andy Roddick - a hostile server; #1. Cameron Diaz - risk of landing on Alex Rodriguez. (RJ Currie)

      Facebook was down briefly for the second day in a row. I had to walk around in person going, "Like. Like. Like." (Jimmy Fallon)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Bristol Palin has denied rumors that she's dating The Situation from "Jersey Shore." If The Situation becomes Sarah Palin's son-in-law, he'd still have the most normal name of any boy in the family. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A Montana man just celebrated his 114th birthday. He remembers a day when robber barons owned big business, the government, and the guy on the street. It was Wednesday. (Alan Ray)

      In an interview on MSNBC, Levi Johnston said he has no idea if additional troops will help the war in Afghanistan. Which of course begs the question, who the hell is asking Levi Johnston about strategy for Afghanistan. (Jay Leno)

      EDUCATION

      On the 'Today' show, President Obama said he supports having a longer school year. In response, Sasha and Malia announced they support Sarah Palin. (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his? (Jay Leno)

      The governor of Texas is calling for guns on college campuses. It would change the culture of higher education. A student could show up for class whenever he damn well pleased. (Alan Ray)

      RELIGION

      After living in Pennsylvania for over 200 years, the Amish are migrating westward, many re-settling in South Dakota. Formerly known as a peace-loving people, police say they've been responsible for several clippidy-clop-by shootings. (Bob Mills)

      Officials in South Dakota are at a loss to explain the sudden influx of Pennsylvania Amish families who have relocated there. Actually, it's perfectly explainable. Christine O'Donnell put a curse on them and suddenly they were in the middle of Bismarck. But there are indications they may have lost their religious fervor. They arrived in horse-drawn Winnebagos. (Bob Mills)

      HOLIDAYS

      Friday, in case you missed it, was National Punctuation Day. Except in Toronto, which observes it whenever the Maple Leafs expire after three periods. (Dwight Perry)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      Long considered counter-intuitive, a recent study has shown that married couples masturbate as often or even more frequently than singles do. The only difference is the married guys frequently find their fantasy partner has a headache. (Bob Mills)

      Conflicting stories out of Brooklyn where an assistant high school football coach was fired for mooning fans. The coach claims it was just a momentary crack-up while school officials say the man bottomed out completely. (RJ Currie)

      SURVEYS, POLLS & STUDIES

      Sixty percent of Americans ages 18-25 couldn't identify Col. Sanders in the KFC logo. In fact, more than half of respondents thought it was Brett Favre. (Jay Leno)

      A study says that teenagers consider sports drinks to be healthy despite their high sugar content. Using that logic, sports cars and sport coats are also products that promote health. (Jim Barach)

      A new poll found that 41 percent of Americans don't know who the Vice President is. In reponse, Joe Biden was like, "All right, at least give me a hint." (Jimmy Fallon)

      A survey says that doctors and nurses rely on coffee to get through the day more than any other profession. Mostly because doctors are the only ones who can afford to make a daily habit out of going to Starbucks. (Jim Barach)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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