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Weakly Humerus News 09-25-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-25-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK The NCAA has cited Chattanooga for failing to monitor calls and text messages by
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 25, 2010
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-25-10
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      The NCAA has cited Chattanooga for failing to monitor calls and text messages by its basketball coaches to high school players. It's unethical activities like this that helped Chattanooga become the athletic powerhouse it is. The NCAA's questioning went like this: "Pardon me boy, is that the chap who did recruit you?" "Here's tweet 99; it's how he got me to sign!" (Jerry Perisho)

      Jose Bautista of the Blue Jays hit his league-leading 50th home run of the season on Thursday. Maybe opposing mangers need to ask their pitchers, "Do you know the way to fan Jose?" (RJ Currie)

      The National Bureau of Economic Research announced the recession actually ended in 2009. What idiots we were! So that recession you think you're in, that's as imaginary as the job you used to have. (Jay Leno)

      Scientists in Utah have discovered a new species of dinosaur believed to have the most horns of any dinosaur in history. Experts called it the horniest dinosaur ever — and then Larry King said, "Well, I had a good run." (Jimmy Fallon)

      This Christine O'Donnell is a very conservative woman. Not only is she against premarital sex, she is against masturbation. She even wants to outlaw beef jerky. (Jay Leno)

      There are rumors going around that Facebook is building a cell phone. It's pretty good, except you can only use it to call people you barely remember from high school. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Sarah Palin said she would run for president if nobody else steps up. Which explains why today, nearly every person in the country announced they're running for president. (Jimmy Fallon)

      CHRISTINE O’DONNELL

      You know this Tea Party candidate, Christine O'Donnell, is causing a lot of controversy with her kind of unorthodox views. She's come out against masturbation. You know what that means? She's out of touch with those voters who are in touch with themselves. (Jay Leno)

      You know Delaware is running a witch, her name is Christine O'Donnell, and she wants to be the Senator from Delaware and today she promised if she's elected she'll cast a spell on health care. (David Letterman)

      As you know, Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell has come out against masturbation. Well, she is already paying a heavy price for taking this stance. In fact, today, the powerful hand lotion lobby has endorsed her opponent. (Jay Leno)

      Bill Maher has dug up a clip from his old TV show where "Tea party" favorite Christine O'Donnell said that she dabbled in witchcraft. Why did he do it? Maher was unavailable for comment after being turned into a frog. (Tim Hunter)

      More problems for candidate O'Donnell. It seems she canceled all her Sunday talk show appearances after a video surfaced of her on Bill Maher's TV show where she admitted she once dabbled in witchcraft. So, apparently, she is pro-dabbling, but anti-diddling. (Jay Leno)

      Christine O'Donnell looks a lot like Sarah Palin, and you know what that means, more work for Tina Fey. (David Letterman)

      O'Donnell said that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. I thought, "Have fun in Congress then." (Craig Ferguson)

      There's a clip going around of this Christine O'Donnell discussing how she once dabbled in witchcraft. Have you heard about this? Although she says she never joined a coven. Never joined a coven? Hey, what do you think Congress is? (Jay Leno)

      The Delaware Senate primary winner is masturbation opponent, Christine O'Donnell, who dabbled in witchcraft and once had a date on a Satanic alter. Suddenly Sarah Palin seeing Russia from her house doesn't sound so crazy. (Alex Kaseberg)

      GOP Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell admitted on Fox News Tuesday that she practiced witchcraft in high school. She also thanked her parents for all the sacrifices they made for her. Every night they knelt in front of her picture and cut off the head of a chicken. (Argus Hamilton)

      Let me tell you something, Sarah Palin better be careful. Because this Christine O'Donnell is younger, hotter, and crazier. That's the things guys are looking for in a trophy candidate. So, be very careful. (Jay Leno)

      Christine O'Donnell looks a lot like Sarah Palin, and you know what that means, more work for Tina Fey. (David Letterman)

      "Christine O'Donnell, I created her. Are you kidding, we had her on 'Politically Incorrect' 22 times. You owe me, Christine O'Donnell. I still love her. She does not have a mean bone in her body, or any other bone in her body. (Bill Maher)

      Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell says she admires the female warriors from 'Lord of the Rings' but she's against women being in the military. So women can't fight the Taliban, but they can fight the cave trolls of Mordor. (Craig Ferguson)

      Christine O'Donnell, on the "The O'Reilly Factor" in 2007, claimed that scientific companies were breeding mice with "fully functional human brains." I think they're actually putting mice brains in the Republican Senate nominees for Delaware. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      I like Christine O'Donnell. She's good-looking and she's hilarious. I haven't had this much fun since Cheney was in office. O'Donnell said that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. I thought, "Have fun in Congress then." (Craig Ferguson)

      Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell is taking criticism because she said she once dabbled in witchcraft. O'Donnell was like, "If one more person claims I'm a witch, I will take legal action against them — and their little dog, too." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Christine O'Donnell said she dabbled in witchcraft and her opponent, Chris Coons, had no comment. He wanted to comment but he lost his voice, went blind, and came down with boils. (Jay Leno)

      Christine O'Donnell says that she once had a date on a Satanic altar. Well, who hasn't? (David Letterman)

      Christine O'Donnell promised that if she's elected to the Senate for Delaware, she'll cast a spell on healthcare. (David Letterman)

      Sarah Palin tweeted a warning to Christine O'Donnell that the national media is seeking her destruction. That is ridiculous. If the media wanted to destroy her, they would just douse her with water. (Craig Ferguson)

      Does a Senate candidate who dabbled in witchcraft and who is against masturbation have to ride the broom sidesaddle? (Jerry Perisho)

      AND CHRISTINE O’DONNELL QUOTES

      American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains. [Christine O'Donnell, discussing cloning with Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly, 2007]

      By integrating women into particularly military institutes, it cripples the readiness of our defense. Schools like The Citadel train young men to confidently lead other young men into a battlefield where one of them will die. And when you have women in that situation, it creates a whole new set of dynamics which are distracting to training these men to kill or be killed. [Christine O'Donnell, during a 1995 C-SPAN interview when she was press secretary for Concerned Women for America]

      Well, creationism, in essence, is believing that the world began as the Bible in Genesis says, that God created the Earth in six days, six 24-hour periods. And there is just as much, if not more, evidence supporting that. [Christine O'Donnell, in a 1996 CNN debate on evolution]

      What's next? Orgy rooms? Menage a trois rooms? ... Coedness is like a radical agenda forced on college students. [Christine O'Donnell, in a 2003 Washington Times article about the scourge of coedization in colleges]

      If he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself, then why am I in the picture? [Christine O'Donnell, advocating against masturbation in a 1996 appearance on MTV's 'Sex In The 90s' TV show]

      It is not enough to be abstinent with other people, you also have to be abstinent alone. The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. You can't masturbate without lust! [Christine O'Donnell, advocating against masturbation in a 1996 appearance on MTV's 'Sex In The 90s' TV show]

      I mean, it is very difficult, I'm sure, for a man to sit there and stare at his girlfriend naked and not want to go a little bit further. [Christine O'Donnell, in a 2000 Fox News on whether nude sunbathing should be banned]

      He's soooo liberal. He's anti-American. He's beating the 'change' drum. But let's look at the change. He did not vote for English as the official language. What does that say? [Christine O'Donnell, speaking about Barack Obama in a 2008 Fox News interview]

      I believe if I were in that situation, God would provide a way to do the right thing righteously. I believe that! [Christine O'Donnell, insisting that she is so fervently pro-truth that she wouldn't lie to Nazis asking if she were hiding Jews in her home, ''Politically Incorrect,'' Aug. 1998]

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama's aide had to step in and pay more money after Obama only gave a fruit vendor a dollar for four apples. The aide said it was awkward having to pay Obama's bill, then China was like, "You'll get used to it." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Earlier today, President Obama was speaking at the UN and no one could tell if it was a calm measured address or an angry tirade. (David Letterman)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Vice President Biden held a conference call with senior citizens to talk about healthcare. Seniors started the conference call confused about how healthcare works, and ended up more confused about how conference calls work. (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE CONGRESS

      Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman can be up to 30 years in jail, but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is another two years in office. (Peter Schmuck)

      THE COURTS

      The U. S. Supreme Court on Tuesday refused to halt the execution of a Virginia woman who planned the murders of her husband and stepson, even though she has an IQ of 71 which her defense attorneys say qualifies her as "borderline mentally retarded." The Supreme Court ruled that if the Republicans can nominate Christine O'Donnell for the Senate, peoplewith a higher IQ can be executed. (Frank King)

      THE MILITARY

      The Senate republicans want to block the repeal of the gay military ban; the republicans feel gay sex should stay where it belongs: with congressional pages and in Minneapolis airport men's bathrooms. (Alex Kaseberg)

      THE STATES

      When I go to Hawaii, I always bring my scuba gear. Like when I go to Arizona, I always bring my papers. (Craig Ferguson)

      Medical marijuana growers in California have joined the Teamsters Union. And you thought it was tough to get union workers to do anything in a timely fashion before. (Jim Barach)

      LOCAL NEWS

      Woody Allen says he supports building the Ground Zero Mosque, mostly because he heard mosques are a great place to arrange marriages to 14-year-old girls. (Jake Novak)

      Mayor Bloomberg has only bought two pairs of shoes in 10 years. He sp
      ends all his money on lifts. (David Letterman)

      U.S. POLITICS

      The Republicans announced their pledge to Americans, which includes less taxes, smaller government, and, if you act now, they'll throw in the Dean Martin Roast of Frank Sinatra. (David Letterman)

      U.S. POLITICIANS

      President Bush's memoir is set to come out just in time for the midterm elections and it has some Republicans upset because it may remind voters of President Bush. (Funny Quote for the Day)

      Sarah Palin said she would be in the audience for Bristol Palin's appearance on "Dancing With the Stars," but wasn't there. It's not like her to commit to something and then back out. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Sarah Palin has a new video advertisement promoting herself as a leader of the Tea Party movement. Actually, I think she is really a leader of the Sarah Palin movement. (Janice Hough)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      Larry Summers, President Obama's top economic adviser, is stepping down. Finally, some good economic news. I'll tell ya, Summers didn't want to leave, but apparently he was out of bad ideas. (Jay Leno)

      Actually, Summers is actually the third Obama economic adviser to leave the White House since July. In face, the only jobs opening up these days are for White House economic advisers. (Jay Leno)

      Apparently the recession ended last June. So for those of you that are still broke and without a job, it's all in your head. (Jay Leno)

      Experts say the recession is over. Earlier today, they were popping champagne at the unemployment office. (David Letterman)

      They say the recession ended in June of last year. What they don't tell you is that the next recession began in July of last year. (Jay Leno)

      The economy is so bad, Justin Bieber had to get a paper route. (Jay Leno)

      According to experts, the recession is over. Is it really over or is it just pulling a Leno? (David Letterman)

      The White House released data showing that one hundred thousand homes a month are being repossessed and one in seven Americans live in poverty. Even the rich are getting nervous. The new super-charged Porsche Carrera is a two-seater, one's a bed and one's a toilet.

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Blockbuster video filed for bankruptcy. Experts say it had something to do with the fact that no one in America has rented a video since 1999. Now, where are we going to get a bag of microwave popcorn for $9? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      An American named Bob Dudley is BP's new CEO. Nice to see an American taking a job from a foreigner for once. (Funny Quote for the Day)

      TRANSPORTATION

      The airline industry expects to make $6 million more in profits this year than originally expected. Mostly because eight more people plan to check their bags this year. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Continental announced a new feature called 'self boarding.' There’s no ticket agent taking your boarding pass anymore, and you scan it yourself as you board the plane. It’s part of Continental’s 'Terrorists Fly Hassel-free' program. (Funny Quote for the Day)

      The average price for a roundtrip ticket on Thanksgiving is 10 percent higher this year than it was in 2009. However, lying to your relatives and saying you're too sick to make it? Still free. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Cab drivers are now illegally overcharging you for made-up charges. I was in a cab today and I was charged $11 for shipping and handling. (David Letterman)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      An increasing number of local thugs and robbers are committing their crimes while wearing Yankees caps and apparel. There's a downside to having the most popular sports logo in the world. The upside? When they get sentenced, they're comfortable in pinstripes." (Len Berman)

      A Michigan thief was caught on a security camera before he put on his Darth Vadar mask. The only thing authorities are sure of is he did not need the money for a date. (Alex Kaseberg)

      TERRORISM & SECURITY

      A terrorist attempted to blow up Wrigley Field. Then he remembered it was fall when the Cubs blow up on their own. (Alex Kaseberg)

      NASA & SPACE

      Astronomers say Jupiter will make its closest approach to Earth in 50 years. It’s uninhabitable because of extreme temperatures and toxic atmosphere. And Jupiter ain’t so great either. (Alan Ray)

      UNITED NATIONS & WORLD COURT

      Traffic here in New York was backed up today because of the U. N. General Assembly's annual meeting. You could hardly get anywhere or do anything. It was almost like being in the U. N. (Jimmy Fallon)

      World leaders at the U. N. agreed on one thing: Superman has got to do more. (David Letterman)

      Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in New York. You know he hates Jews and gay people. Boy, is he in the wrong place. (David Letterman)

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN

      The island of Bermuda cleans up from Hurricane Igor. Resorts are trying to spin the aftermath as a positive. The lounge now has a swim up bar. (Alan Ray)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      When the Pope met the Queen of England, they both said the same thing to each other: "Nice hat." (Jay Leno)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      Al-Qaida's No. 2 has released another tape in which he criticized the Pakistani government. He calls them incompetent and corrupt, and demands that they be thrown out of office. Sounds like they have a tea party over there too. (Jay Leno)

      SCIENCE

      A genetic research firm is seeking FDA approval of a genetically modified salmon that critics of the fast-growing fish have nicknamed "Frankenfish." Seafood lovers who have tried it say it's almost like real salmon once you get used to the bolts sticking out of its gills. (Bob Mills)

      A utility company near LA found a cluster of 1.4 million-year-old fossils. Nobody knows how Cher and her friends got there. (Jerry Perisho)

      HEALTH

      The American Medical Association rolled out a website Tuesday for people who are suffering mental stress from the recession. Psychiatrists are listed who are willing to help you. If they determine you are suicidal, they make you pay in advance. (Argus Hamilton)

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      You can tell it's autumn because Christine O'Donnell used her cauldron to make chowder. (David Letterman)

      Researchers at the University of Maryland report the state is being invaded by stinkbugs. It's so bad that if you close your eyes and breathe, you think you're in New Jersey. (Jay Leno)

      There are bedbug infestations all over the country. I always thought bedbugs were imaginary, like Eskimos. Then I found out they're real, and they bite — like Eskimos. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A pod of Great White sharks was recently spotted in the Malibu surf where local resident Mel Gibson is known to swim. No danger there, though. Sharks tend to avoid him as a matter of professional courtesy. (Bob Mills)

      SPORTS

      In an attempt to prevent serious head injuries on the gridiron, the NFL, the NCAA and high school coaches are instituting new directives. The NCAA rules are so strict, a college player who sustains a concussion may now be required to attend a few classes. (Bob Mills)

      The NFL ordered a workplace sensitivity program for all NFL teams Wednesday. The league wants to teach players not to objectify women. The NFL will also get rid of all NFL cheerleader posters, cheerleader calendars and cheerleader pajama party videos which don't sell well. (Argus Hamilton)

      The N. Y. Jets apologized for their locker room sexual harassment of Mexican TV reporter Ines Sainz. It became an international incident. The Obama administration was ready to defend the Mexican sportscaster in court but it turns out she entered the locker room legally. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Arizona Diamondbacks struck out six times on Tuesday setting a new MLB season record for whiffs at 1,403 and counting. There haven't been that many strikeouts in one year since I was dating. (RJ Currie)

      Division races tighten in baseball. This is the time of year when even the least knowledgeable among us start paying attention to the game. But enough about the umps. (Alan Ray)

      The Minnesota Vikings are now 0-2 on the season. They lost yesterday after Brett Favre retired and unretired 16 times in the second half. (Jake Novak)

      A lot of good college football this past Saturday. The Alabama Crimson time have a prolific offense. They put up more numbers than a Lindsay Lohan drug test. (Alan Ray)

      During a Saturday's Cubs-Mets game, the Mets' starter had given up 4 runs and was facing a threat of more. The Mets had a relief pitcher warming up named "Dessens" (pronounced Dee-sens). When called into the game, announcer Len Kasper, said, "Elmer Dessens on Wrigley Field." (Ross Bowen)

      The chairman of Togo's soccer federation said the team that billed itself as the Togo national team in a friendly against Bahrain this month was "completely fake." That sound you heard was a Mets publicist slapping his forehead and muttering, "Now why didn't we think of that?" (Dwight Perry)

      With George Steinbrenner's bronze plaque unveiled this week in Yankee Stadium's Monument Park, rumors are suddenly rampant that a Billy Martin version — made of porcelain — is nearing completion. In fact, they've already fired it four times. (Dwight Perry)

      Cincinnati reds' outfielder Jim Edmonds injured his leg running the bases after hitting a home run. At least that pretty much rules him out of suspicion for taking Performance Enhancing Drugs. (Jim Barach)


      ATHLETES

      There are differing opinions on Derek Jeter's performance when he acted like he was in pain after he DIDN'T get hit with a pitch, and was awarded first base. But the Yankees shortstop has been offered a coaching position with the USA soccer team. (Janice Hough)

      Seattle's Ichiro Suzuki set a record with ten consecutive 200-hit seasons. A "hit" means he got at least to first base. "Scoring" is a whole different thing; Wilt Chamberlain had a lifetime filled with those record-setting seasons. (Jerry Perisho)

      Reggie Bush, just days after returning the Heisman, fractured a bone in his right leg and is expected to miss the next six weeks. This time he really is out on a limb. (RJ Currie)

      So Michael Vick will be the starting quarterback this Sunday for the Eagles. Well, Philly fans are famous for once booing Santa Claus, but whatever happens this week at least they won't be able to say their team has gone to the dogs. (Janice Hough)

      Michael Vick has been promoted to the number one quarterback for the Eagles. The guy's a fierce competitor. Defenses know he wasn't trained to roll over and play dead. (Alan Ray)

      The Minnesota Vikings are now 0 and 2. You can tell Brett Favre is showing his age. He’s got a quick release. And because of it doctors prescribed Flomax. (Alan Ray)

      A group of paleontologists said this week they've discovered a dinosaur with a horn on each side of a protective head covering. Okay, raise your hand if you thought of Brett Favre. (RJ Currie)

      The Dolphins beat the Vikings 14-10. It was a tough game for Brett Favre, who lost a fumble — and his dentures and reading glasses. (Jay Leno)

      Tom Brady says he won't cut his hair because his wife, supermodel Giselle Bundchen, doesn't want him to. Some guys have all the locks. (RJ Currie)

      Reggie Bush broke a bone in his right leg. He had recently lost a
      significant amount of weight. A 25 pound statue. (Alan Ray)

      Irma Nici, a 26-year-old ex-call girl, has told In Touch magazine she slept with soccer star David Beckham five times in 2007, including once being offered $10,000 to spend the night. Trust me on this: when your wife asks if there's one woman worth ten grand to you for one night, the answer is not "Let me think." (RJ Currie)

      Ex-NFL quarterback Kurt Warner surprised many by avoiding elimination and finishing middle of the pack on Monday's Dancing With the Stars. It turns out he does a mean pass de deux. (RJ Currie)

      Jets receiver Braylon Edwards was again arrested for a DUI. If it's anything like the rest of his career, the charges will be dropped. (Torben Rolfsen)

      New York Jets receiver Braylon Edwards was arrested early Tuesday morning and charged with driving while intoxicated. Some players lock and load, others get loaded and locked up. (RJ Currie)

      Running back Jesse Lumsden, who missed almost all of last season, says he joined the Stampeders because living in Calgary allows him to practice bobsleigh, but football is his priority. Either way, you know Jesse is going to need a lot of ice. (RJ Currie)

      During the past eight games, the SF Giants have had six games where they scored a total of seven runs, and two games where they scored a total of 19 runs. So far. Can a batting lineup officially be diagnosed as schizophrenic? (Janice Hough)

      Professional beach volleyball partners Katie Seamon & Rachel Johnson are competing in this weekend's season opener of The Amazing Race. Not to say they'll finish first each week, but I won't be surprised if they have good legs. (RJ Currie)

      Lakers forward Ron Artest suggested that LA and San Diego swap the Clippers for the Chargers. 11.2 is not only his PPG, but his IQ. (Jerry Perisho)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      The premiere of "Hawaii Five-0" was a great episode. The cops were looking around and they accidentally stumbled upon Obama's birth certificate. (David Letterman)

      "American Idol" announced its new judges are J. Lo and Steven Tyler. If you add Ryan Seacrest to that, it's starting to look like "The View." J.Lo and Steven Tyler are different. One is a street kid that turned into a beautiful woman and the other is J. Lo. (Craig Ferguson)

      “Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps” is out in movie theaters this week. A convicted Wall Street executive is released from prison. In other words, there is no happy ending. (Alan Ray)

      Oliver Stone's "Wall Street - Money Never Sleeps" starring Michael Douglas in his original role as Gordon Gecko isn't doing the box office the studio expected. But 20th Century Fox isn't worried. If the profits don't pick up, Obama has promised to bail them out. (Bob Mills)

      I saw the new movie "Devil." Or, as Christine O'Donnell calls it, "Roots." (Jay Leno)

      Sesame Street pulled its episode starring singer Katy Perry because she shows too much cleavage. Mothers across America were furious; father simply stared and drooled. (Jerry Perisho)

      "Sesame Street" announced that it's pulling a music video featuring Elmo and Katy Perry because her outfit was too revealing, even though these Muppets are running around naked all the time. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The NBC series "The Event" premiered on Monday. Jason Ritter investigates a huge cover-up. He discovers network producers have created an overhyped melodrama that sucks people in. (Alan Ray)

      I wanted to watch "Dancing With the Stars" last night, but I have Direct TV and I signed up for the "heterosexual programming package." (Jay Leno)

      Bristol Palin made her debut on "Dancing With the Stars," and after a lot of speculation, Sarah Palin was not there to see it in person. However, she could see it from her house. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Bristol Palin performed a cha-cha on "Dancing With the Stars." She received a score of 18 out of 30 points. Which is about the same as her mom did in the debates. (David Letterman)

      ABC is developing a new drama about pilots and flight attendants. The show is scheduled to air at 8:00 p. m., so it'll probably get going around 9:43. (Jimmy Fallon)

      ENTERTAINERS

      Justin Bieber was spotted at a Hooters restaurant in Canada. I don't think 16-year-olds should be hanging out at Hooters. They should be dabbling in witchcraft, like Christine O'Donnell. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Paris Hilton rescued 20 rabbits from a pet shop when she found out they would be fed to snakes. Then a snake rescued the 20 rabbits after it found out they would be adopted by Paris Hilton. (Jimmy Fallon)

      After pleading guilty to cocaine possession, Paris Hilton was ordered to pay a $2,000 fine, which is what one of her shoes costs. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Paris Hilton was denied entry into Japan because of her recent drug conviction. So if you count math, there are two areas where the Japanese are smarter than us. (Jay Leno)

      Don't worry, vets say he's going to be okay, but a black cat nicknamed "Sizzle" whose nose and paws were burned in the wildfire west of Boulder, Colorado, last week is the only pet who still hasn't been claimed by their owners. Lady Gaga is thinking of claiming the little survivor, and wearing the kitty as the bikini bottom for her next outfit. Gaga said, "It's not the steak, it's the Sizzle." (Frank King)

      It's being reported that Cher has hired a Hollywood screenwriter to turn her life story into a Broadway musical. Even gay guys are like, "OK, this is too much." (Jay Leno)

      An arrest warrant was issued for Lindsay Lohan after she failed a court-ordered drug test. Maybe that's what she meant when she said she wanted to be "more positive." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      On Nov. 9, Susan Boyle is going to release her new album, "The Gift." Although, you might know it by its more common title, "The Re-Gift." (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE MEDIA

      Those who forget the lessons of history are probably watching Glenn Beck. (Paul Benoit)

      Everybody's talking about Bob Woodward's new book, "Obama's Wars." In the book, he says Joe Biden called Middle East adviser Richard Holbrooke "the most egotistical bastard I've ever met." Then Rahm Emanuel was like, "What am I, invisible?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE INTERNET AND BLOGGERS

      The website Ask Jeeves has compiled a top 10 list of questions that have no answers based on more than a billion inquiries over a decade. The top three 'unanswerables' are: 3. Do blondes have more fun? 2. What is the meaning of life? 1. Why do the Chicago Cubs suck? (RJ Currie)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Bristol Palin, who claims she now wants to be a cautionary role model for young women to be abstinent, made her first appearance on "Dancing with the Stars" Monday. Yeah, magazine covers, network talk shows, and now a reality show. That should show girls that it's not a glamorous life being a single mother. (Janice Hough)

      Bristol Palin is competing on season 11 of Dancing with the Stars. I'm guessing she won't have to worry about having two left feet. (RJ Currie)

      A Frenchman named Philippe Croizon with no arms or legs swam across the English Channel in less than 14 hours. In related news, I watched four hours of the Home Shopping Network because I couldn't find the remote and the TV was over 5 feet away. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Happy birthday to the world's oldest man, an American turning 114 years old. He spent yesterday doing what he normally does: Throwing passes to his Vikings teammates. (Jay Leno)

      EDUCATION

      More high schools are cutting out gym classes to make room for increased requirements in math and science. So now, when our kids get fat and fall down, they'll at least know the science behind it. (Jay Leno)

      A new list of words were added to the Oxford American English Dictionary. I guess they have to sell dictionaries and if you leave the words the same every year, there's no reason to buy one. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      RELIGION

      The pastor of a mega-church in Georgia is being accused of using jewelry to lure three men into sexual relationships. Although if a guy is willing to be with another guy for jewelry, something tells me he didn't have to be lured all that much. (Jimmy Fallon)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      The Liberace Museum is closing after 31 years. Liberace was all about glitz and glamour and putting on a great show. I used to love to go to the museum to hear Liberace's music, reflect on his life, and get ideas for outfits. Liberace was the Steven Tyler of his today, except more macho. (Craig Ferguson)

      A lot of museums are closing down in this economy, including the Mel Gibson Museum of Tolerance and the Arizona Museum of Mexican History. (Craig Ferguson)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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