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Weakly Humerus News 09-04-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-04-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Did you hear about this? An Indiana congressman, Mark Souder, was forced to
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 4, 2010
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-04-10


      Did you hear about this? An Indiana congressman, Mark Souder, was forced to resign because of a sex scandal. Oh, buddy. Here's the score now — Republicans 22, Democrats 17. It's getting closer. (Funny Qoute for the Day)

      The Pacific Ten will retain the firm of Richter and Associates to help divide the future 12-team league into divisions on either side of a major fault line: "San Andreas East" and "San Andreas West". And it will all, ultimately be Texas' fault. (Chris Dufresne)

      In Cincinnati, a woman was arrested for using a vibrator and watching porn while driving. She was charged with not knowing whether she was coming or going. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Roger Clemens was indicted on charges he lied to Congress. The former star pitcher's next court date is set for Monday, but he's hoping for arraign delay. (Ian Hamilton)

      Paris Hilton was booked in Clark County jail Friday when Las Vegas cops saw cocaine fall out of her purse. What a chance for Nevada. If they can send both Paris Hilton and O.J. Simpson to prison, they will just be Mel Gibson away from cleaning up the Wild West. (Argus Hamilton)

      Hurricane Earl could hit New York City. The wind is so strong, they think it might blow away the bed bugs. (David Letterman)

      Glenn Beck is offended! Glenn Beck thinks playing the Nazi card is going too far. Glenn Beck -- this is a guy who uses more Swastika props and video of the Nuremberg rallies than the History Channel. (Funny Qoute for the Day)

      A spark from a golfer's club in Irvine, California, reportedly started a 12-acre forest fire. If the guy can do that with a golf club, I wouldn't want to take him on in match play. (RJ Currie)

      A newspaper is a thing that people used to read. It's like a website, but all the information is from yesterday. (Craig Ferguson)

      Japanese researchers claim they've created the world's first 3D television that allows users to touch images floating in front of them. In a related story, MTV2 says ratings were way higher than expected for their first Lingerie Football telecast. (RJ Currie)

      An airline in Sweden plans to host the first-ever in-flight gay wedding in December. The entire flight crew is excited for the event, although the right wing isn't happy about it. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Gallup Poll on Friday showed the nation deeply split over President Obama. Democrats think he's Jesus and Republicans think he's Muslim. Now if just somebody thought he was Moses he could achieve Middle East peace by hosting three-way talks with himself. (Argus Hamilton)


      President Oboma has as little chance to settle the differences between Israel and the Palestinians as he has in getting the Democrats and Republicans to agree on any bill before congress. (Stan Kegel)

      The White House hosts a Middle East peace conference in Washington Monday. The ritual never changes. We'll have the Palestinians negotiating under Islamic law, Israel negotiating under Judaic law, and President Obama negotiating under Murphy's Law. (Argus Hamilton)

      Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says both Palestinians and Israelis need to make concessions for peace. In other words, she wants the Israelis to stop defending themselves and the Palestinians to start being a little quieter when they kill Jews so nobody notices. (Jake Novak)

      At the White House yesterday, President Obama told Israelis and Palestinians to reach a peace deal because they might not get another chance soon. That's not really a peace plan. That's how you get a 5-year-old to use the bathroom. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The White House hosted Israeli leader Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas for Mideast peace talks Wednesday and they both praised President Obama's vision for peace. They know the rules. You say that or you don't get dinner. (Argus Hamilton)

      Pres. Obama told Israel's Prime Minister and the Palestinian Authority's President to "seize this moment" for peace. He wants peace now because he has several important golf games lined up for next week. (Jerry Perisho)

      The White House hosted Israeli leader Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas for Mideast peace talks Wednesday and they both praised President Obama's vision for peace. They know the rules. You say that or you don't get dinner. (Argus Hamilton)

      The hurricane might disrupt the Middle East peace talks, which would be bad because this time, I really thought they were going to work it out. (Craig Ferguson)


      Hurricane Earl approached the Eastern Seaboard Thursday, churning high surf and powerful riptides and extremely high winds. Evacuations are underway. The good news is that the cars and SUVs heading inland are getting six hundred miles per gallon. (Argus Hamilton)

      FEMA says that U. S. evacuations may be needed for Hurricane Earl. FEMA officials say they will make that determination once they get back from their Labor Day Holiday. (Jim Barach)

      Hurricane Earl may sideswipe the eastern US and cause serious flooding in some states. This is part of what environmentalists are now calling "global moisturizing" (Jerry Perisho)

      Hurricane Earl roared toward oceanfront homes from North Carolina to Maryland Wednesday. Paintings and jewelry and fine rugs and clothing could blow everywhere. Last week Democrats called Hurricane Katrina a man-made disaster and this week Republicans are calling Earl just another one of Obama's spread-the-wealth programs. (Argus Hamilton)


      Paris Hilton is banned from the Wynn Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. I'm not sure what Paris is banned for but I think we can rule out card counting. (Jay Leno)

      This is the worst thing to ever happen to Paris Hilton. Now, when she's in Vegas, she may actually have to stay at the Hilton. (Jay Leno)

      Socialite Paris Hilton claims that the purse she was arrested with, which contained cocaine, was not hers. Meanwhile, the Hilton hotel chain claimed that any bedbugs you find in its rooms are not theirs. (Jerry Perisho)

      Paris Hilton was charged this week with possession of cocaine after LVPD found a small stash in her purse. I'm thinking Paris's biggest problem is she can't hide drugs in her underwear. (RJ Currie)

      Paris Hilton says she thought the cocaine in her purse was gum. Sort of puts a whole new slant on the concept of "Blowing bubbles." Mistaking cocaine for gum? Makes that "flaxseed oil" defense sound almost reasonable. I suppose Paris could have used the defense that she thought the marijuana was oregano, but that would have required at some point in her life that the woman had been in a kitchen. (Janice Hough)

      Paris Hilton told police that she thought the cocaine found in her purse was gum. Well, she also thought her last CD was music. (Jay Leno)

      Paris Hilton was arrested with cocaine and she claimed that she thought it was chewing gum. She was charged with possession of less than an ounce of common sense. (David Letterman)

      Paris Hilton was arrested in Las Vegas for cocaine possession last weekend when coke fell out of her purse while a cop was busting her for pot. Her family is fed up. The Hilton Family Foundation just offered Paris ten million dollars to change her name to Motel Six. (Argus Hamilton)

      Paris Hilton was arrested for cocaine possession. This charge could be serious. She may face up to six months of being talked about again. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Paris Hilton has been charged with felony possession of cocaine and could face up to four years. What if Paris Hilton and OJ Simpson both end up in Nevada prisons? Atheists the world over would have to rethink their beliefs. (Alex Kaseberg)


      President Obama said he can't walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii. (Jay Leno)

      I don't want to say that the U.S. Government is taking over the role of the private sector, but I have to admit, on the flight here, thumbing through a magazine and looking at a photo of President Obama with the President of China, the person next to me pointed at it and said, "Hu's a communist." I thought they were asking a question. (Funny Qoute for the Day)

      I just got back from vacation. I went on vacation the same time as President Obama. We both had to get away from it all and not do anything of significance. And now we are back and still not doing anything of significance. (Craig Ferguson)

      Last night in only his second Oval Office address, President Obama announced the end of Operational Iraqi Freedom. He said we have given the Iraqis a Western-style government. Well, we certainly have, haven't we? Their economy is in shambles, their Congress is corrupt, the country is broke, welcome aboard! (Jay Leno)

      Before President Obama's address, he called former President George W. Bush. I'm not saying the economy is bad, but he called collect. I guess they had a pretty cordial conversation. President Bush said for the last 19 months, he's been relaxing and playing golf. President Obama said, "You too?" (Jay Leno)

      President Obama said that too many Americans are struggling to find jobs. You know what these Americans are going to be called? Democrats. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama was in New Orleans for the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Halfway through his speech, FEMA finally showed up. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama said he can't walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii. (Jay Leno)


      The White House issued a mandate Monday requiring every place that serves food to post the calories of each menu item. Is this wise? Buying larger sized clothes at WalMart every two months is the only thing that's keeping the U.S. economy going. (Argus Hamilton)


      Congress is very upset with Roger Clemens because they feel like they were lied to. Good! Now they know how we feel. (Jay Leno)

      Roger Clemens had to testify to congress about lying about using performance enhancing drugs; it didn't go well, Roger claims he thought the steroids were gum in a purse he borrowed from his girlfriend. (Alex Kaseberg)


      U. S. combat troops began arriving back home from Iraq Sunday at airports in Miami and Atlanta. Some soldiers got off the planes fully armed with machine guns and full body armor. Those were the ones switching planes for their vacations to Mexico. (Argus Hamilton)


      In the California leglislature, it's another year, another deadlock. We can't even call the California budget a political football –- you can actually pass a football. (Janice Hough)

      Governor Jan Brewer asked a U. S. judge to renew Arizona's immigration law despite evidence that many Mexicans have gone home. Arizonans are having to adjust to life with fewer illegal aliens. Just last week three people in Scottsdale returned their new leaf blowers to the hardware store demanding the one James Bond had in Thunderball. (Argus Hamilton)

      A New Hampshire student is suing his teacher, the school and the district because of an injury in shop class he said resulted in brain damage. He had attached an electrical clamp to one nipple while a friend attached another clamp to the other. Another student plugged in the cord. I don't know, seems to me a halfway decent lawyer could prove that the brain damage preceded the incident. (Janice Hough)


      Detroit Mayor Dave Bing has begun to make the city more livable by demolishing 10,000 vacant homes. This will break the record for destroying homes, currently held by Countrywide Mortgage. (Funny Qoute for the Day)

      Meg Whitman was apparently called for jury duty and attended the first day of juror selection. Scary thing, she already now has more judicial experience than she has political experience. (Janice Hough)

      New York is facing an infestation of disgusting and impossible-to-kill pests. That's right, the cast of "Jersey Shore" is in town. (Craig Ferguson)

      In New York, a man fell 39 stories onto a parked car and lived. He plummeted from so high so fast he was named an honorary San Diego Padre. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Millions of bed bugs were found inside the Empire State Building. That's one step too far, bed bugs. Bed bugs can live up to a year without feeding. They're like supermodels. (Craig Ferguson)

      New York City is infested with bed bugs. If you have bed bugs, please make sure they're spayed and neutered. (David Letterman)

      New York City is being over-run with a bed bug infestation. Even the rats have been complaining about them. (Tim Hunter)

      New York construction workers vowed Thursday not to help build the Ground Zero Mosque despite the jobs it would provide. The architect released a blueprint for the planned mosques and the sanctuary is very spacious. It seats a thousand pilots. (Argus Hamilton)

      The CBS cafeteria was given a "C" by the health department. Even the Mentalist couldn't determine what was in the chili. (David Letterman)

      A man here in New York was robbed at an off-track betting parlor after cashing in a $29 thousand winning ticket. The man said it sucks to win and get absolutely nothing for it. To which horses were like, "Yeah, that must really be terrible." (Jimmy Fallon)

      A California woman got stuck in the chimney of her boyfriend's house and was found dead days later. The death certificate lists the cause of death as "flue". (Jerry Perisho)


      President Bush's campaign manager and adviser Ken Mehlman admitted he's gay Friday. He wielded a lot of influence in the Bush White House. Throughout President Bush's eight years in office, whenever Bush went off the notes and started ad-libbing, his favorite word was 'fabulous.' (Argus Hamilton)


      According to the latest figures released by the U. S. Department of Social Services, one in six Americans relies on some form of government aid in order to eat. In fact it's become so widespread, three Manhattan soup kitchens are now listed in the Zugat Guide. (Bob Mills)

      The homeless population in New York City has gone up 50 percent in just the last year. Advocates say it's true that a lot of the homeless people are drug addicts and alcoholics, but most, of course, are investors. (Jay Leno)


      The CEO of Facebook asked that his private life be kept out of a lawsuit about the company. In Los Angeles, LA Dodgers owner Frank McCourt said, "Wait, you mean you can do that?" (Jerry Perisho)

      Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned down a chance to be on "Dancing With the Stars" this fall. Zuckerberg said he just didn't have what it takes to appear on the show — you know, debt. (Jimmy Fallon)

      As befits decades of marketing experience, McDonald's has successfully adapted to the massive egg recall due to an outbreak of salmonella. This week, they took the Egg McMuffin off the breakfast menu and put it on the seafood menu. (Bob Mills)

      Burger King agreed to sell itself for $3.26 billion. Yeah, it's a lot of money, but that includes unlimited soft drink refills. (Jerry Perisho)


      Indicative of the trend among the major airlines to tack on extra charges, American now demands a premium for early seating in Coach. Their lawyers talked them out of charging extra for early distribution of a flotation device during a water landing. (Bob Mills)

      A Canadian auto-maker will soon market an electric-powered car with a body made of highly-compressed cannabis that's said to be stronger and lighter than fiberglass. The most exciting feature is you can bake brownies in what used to be called the exhaust pipe. (Bob Mills)

      Ferrari has recalled 1,248 Italia model cars because of a fire hazard issue. For $253,000 you would think the car would come with a fire extinguisher. (Jim Barach)

      Investigators from the U. S. Product Safety Commission are testing the Jeep Grand Cherokee to determine why they suddenly catch fire. Chrysler's lawyers have denied liability, claiming the fires are caused by disgruntled tribal leaders who are still teed off with that name. (Bob Mills)

      The TSA said Thursday that airport body scanners will be installed in New York and L. A. airports by year's end. If you refuse to let them see you naked you must let them grope you, either way it's over in ten seconds. It's what workaholics everywhere consider the ideal love life. (Argus Hamilton)


      The guy that tried to destroy David Letterman was let out of prison today. I was like, "Really? Jay Leno was in prison?" (Craig Ferguson)


      An Iranian mullah has issued a fatwa against pets, leading authorities there to ban all advertisements for pets, pet food and other pet products. The terrorists have declared war on terriers. (Frank King)


      The Virginian-Pilot reports that a government employee in Norfolk collected a salary and benefits for 12 years without showing up. This is well short of the record of 43 years set last season by the Toronto Maple Leafs. (RJ Currie)


      Mexico has captured one of its most notorious drug lords, called "the Barbie." Still on the loose are Beanie Baby and Tickle Me Elmo. (Jay Leno)


      A Venezuelan politician is offering breast implants as a raffle prize as part of a campaign fund raiser. That's one thing about politics; there are boobs everywhere. (Jerry Perisho)

      When Sao Paulo, Brazil, police detectives arrested Robson Augusto do Nascimiento Araujo after a string of high priced car thefts, they found his calling card -- literally: he carried business cards showing the business name “Thefts and Holdups Ltd, ” with his title reading “thief”. (Reuters)


      Ted Ridings, 79, was touring the British Museum when he spotted two stone faces, billed as 2,000-year-old “Celtic carvings”. But he remembered that his brother, Leslie, had carved the stone heads in 1939, making them to resemble Benito Mussolini and Adolf Hitler. Embarrassed museum officials removed the carvings from the exhibit. (Reuters)


      Beaches in Italy are now training dogs to become lifeguards. That should work as long as someone throws a tennis ball at you while you're drowning. (Jimmy Fallon)


      President Obama met Wednesday with Israeli leader Benjamin Netanyahu. He urged the Israelis not to bomb Iran's new nuclear reactor. It's too deep underground and it would just give Iran's government another million rocks to throw at the adulterers. (Argus Hamilton)

      The World Testicle Cooking Contest was held in Serbia Sunday. Local chefs made delicacies out of bull, camel and kangaroo testicles. With each year, President Clinton looks smarter for sticking with the air campaign and never sending U.S. ground troops into Serbia. (Argus Hamilton)


      Some 10,276 people in China broke the world record for the biggest human domino chain, state media reported. The old mark: 9,237 at Seattle's old Kingdome, in line outside the women's restroom. (Dwight Perry)


      A terminally ill humpback whale in western Australia was euthanized with an explosive charge. That gave a whole new meaning to the phrase “Thar she blows!” (Jim Barach)


      Neptune has completed its first orbit around the sun since being discovered in 1846: That's almost as long a year as the Pirates are having. (Bill Littlejohn)


      Mississippi, Alabama and Tennessee came in 1-2-3 among states with the highest adult-obesity rate. It never occurred to us Southerners that the reason we lost the Civil War was that we were too easy a target. (Argus Hamilton)

      Prescription drug use has been rising in the U.S. for the past decade, according to a study. Mostly because doctors find it easier to just write out a prescription than actually have to sit there and listen to all their patient’s complaints. (Jim Barach)

      A new study found that heavy drinkers outlive non-drinkers, but the ways they die are far more embarrassing. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A new study showed that heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. Finally, some good news for David Hasselhoff. (Jay Leno)

      A study says that men who suffer from insomnia have a higher risk of early death. Especially when their wives find out what they are doing while they are staying up all night. (Jim Barach)

      The maker of Botox has been ordered to pay $600 million after marketing the drug for unapproved uses. In a statement, Botox said, "Even if it's hard to tell from our expression, we are extremely disappointed by this decision." (Jimmy Fallon)

      A double hand transplant recipient in Kentucky can wiggle fingers on both hands. Doctors are hopeful he will soon have enough use of his hands to be able to write out a check to cover his medical bills. (Jim Barach)


      It's so hot today that Paris Hilton was arrested for possession of sorbet. (David Letterman)

      I saw Donald Trump backstage and it's so hot back there, that thing on his head was panting. (David Letterman)

      Los Angeles sweltered in triple-digit temperatures Thursday when the Santa Ana winds came in off the desert. Tourists aren't mollified when you tell them that it's just dry heat. Their ovens back home have dry heat but they don't go there on vacation. (Argus Hamilton)


      The first place San Diego Padres have lost seven games in a row. Apparently Padres is an old Spanish word that means: Chicago Cubs. Right now the Padres are unraveling like a Paris Hilton gum alibi. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Coach Jim Barker has stood by Toronto Argonauts defensive back Lin-J Shell who was accused of spitting on another player. I guess Lin-J's play has exceeded all expectorations (RJ Currie)

      Roger Goodell and the NFL owners are proposing two preseason games and an 18-game regular schedule for 2012. They think it's such a good idea they're urging the CFL to consider it. (RJ Currie)

      The NCAA is expanding its probe of the North Carolina football program to consider allegations that players cheated in their classes. That probe will begin as soon as they can find some players who actually went to class. (Jake Novak)

      Kayaker Brad Pennington dropped out of the Missouri River 340 endurance race after a 14-kilogram Carp jumped from the water and hit him in the head. Probably just as well; apparently he was already taking a bass-kicking. (RJ Currie)

      The Minnesota Twins will unveil a statue of the team's first owner, Calvin Griffith, on Sept. 3 at Target Plaza. No truth to the rumor that his likeness is tightly clutching a $100 bill. (Dwight Perry)

      Edmonton Eskimo head scout Ed Hervey said he still has to find good players, even if a new coach 'takes the keys to this ship.' I'm thinking Hervey needs to grab the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors. (RJ Currie)

      The NFL opens weekend after this. For Fantasy football players that means 12 weeks of no sex with their imaginary girlfriend. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Manager Gary Robinson of the State College (Pa.) Spikes, after being ejected from a game, pulled the bag from first, signed it, handed it to a fan and stormed off the field. Personally, I've never seen a guy so upset after passing first base. (RJ Currie)


      Tiger Woods' divorce is final and he bought an apartment in New York City. It's making New Yorkers forget about the whole mosque thing. (David Letterman)

      Tiger Woods just bought an apartment in Manhattan. What better place to practice golf and resist the temptations of single life? (Craig Ferguson)

      Tiger Woods finalized his divorce. The settlement was brutal, but every other week, he gets to go visit his money. (David Letterman)

      Tiger Woods' divorce is final and he bought an apartment in New York City. It's making New Yorkers forget about the whole mosque thing. (David Letterman)

      Manny Ramirez is going to cut his hair now that he is a member of the Chicago White Sox. Apparently those female hormones he was taking are finally starting to wear off. (Jim Barach)

      Troy Polamalu, the hirsute Steelers safety, has gotten his considerable coif insured for $1 million by the makers of Head and Shoulders shampoo. Underwriters' biggest fear, by far: split ends across the middle. (Dwight Perry)

      Washington Nationals star rookie Stephen Strasburg injured his pitching arm last week, which could sideline him for two years. He's already been paid a fortune in up-front millions. Luckily he plays in Washington D. C. so the waste of money went virtually unnoticed. (Argus Hamilton)

      The SF Giants' new call-up Darren Ford is beyond fast. He came in as a pinch-runner at first base Thursday in a 1-1 tie. Then he made it to second on a lousy bunt, went to third on a ball that only rolled a few feet away from the catcher, and scored on a wild throw. In fact, Ford's so unstoppable maybe they should nickname him "Toyota." (Janice Hough)

      Ex-Vancouver Canuck Willie Mitchell says his head injury is behind him and is looking forward to playing with the what's-their-faces. (RJ Currie)


      Bodog.com says ex-NFL quarterback Kurt Warner is a 20-1 longshot to win the upcoming Dancing With the Stars. I'm not saying he'll go to the final round, but don't be surprised if Warner goes deep. (RJ Currie)

      "America's Got Talent" was the highest rated show last night, despite a 30-minute delay from President Obama's speech. I actually thought the speech was part of the show. I was like, "Man, this guy is a terrible magician. Not doing tricks or anything!" (Jimmy Fallon)

      "Mad Men" won its third consecutive Emmy Award for a drama series. It's the story of people who bet every year that the Cubs will win the World Series. (Jerry Perisho)


      Arrested recently for crashing his Maserati on a road near Malibu, Mel Gibson has been formally charged by the LA District Attorney with "reckless driving while texting passages from Mien Kampf and listening to a Wagnerian opera on his Blaupunkt." (Bob Mills)

      Betty White has been signed to write her memoirs to be published in 2011. Industry insiders say she'll blow the lid off the squeaky-clean image of the "Golden Girls" with proof that Rue McClanahan and Estelle Getty were dealing drugs to the cast of "Eight is Enough." (Bob Mills)

      Lady Gaga has surpassed Britney Spears in twitter followers. But don't worry, Cher is still leading all of them with people who follow her with carrier pigeons and smoke signals. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Justin Bieber canceled a concert at the New York State Fair because of illness. Doctors say it’s nothing serious, apparently just a simple case of diaper rash. (Jim Barach)

      Justin Bieber is performing at the state fair after canceling his last show due to an "illness." Doctors now have the zit under control. (Jimmy Fallon)


      "Maybe Lou Gehrig Didn't Die of Lou Gehrig's Disease," reads the headline at Time.com. So what mind-bending revelation's next-- that Tommy John didn't actually undergo Tommy John surgery? (Dwight Perry)

      Glenn Beck will be holding a national rally in Washington today, August 28th, on the anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr's 1963 March on Washington, and at the same location MLK gave his famous "I Have A Dream" speech. Hey, who better to deliver the rebuttal to "I Have A Dream" than Glenn Beck? (Paul Benoit

      Glenn Beck says he had a half million people at his Washington rally, but CBS News says the number was 87,000. Beck hired the same firm that used to keep track of Wilt Chamberlain's girlfriends. (Jerry Perisho)


      Michael Lohan, father of Lindsay Lohan, tells Radar Online that he's moving to California to open a drug and alcohol rehab center. I guess he's serious about wanting to spend more time with his family. (Jay Leno)

      Heidi Montag reportedly wants to get rid of her breast implants. She got the idea of losing a big boob when she divorced Spencer Pratt. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Miss Mexico Jimena Navarrete was crowned Miss Universe last weekend. The pageant was held in Las Vegas. The contestants were judged on beauty, poise and how well they walk in high heels, which is the same way Republicans will pick the next president. (Argus Hamilton)


      Los Angeles schools opened their doors Monday to a record-high number of grade schoolers. It was a crazy day in classrooms. A lot of first-graders broke out crying when the teacher asked them to open up their books and they couldn't find the on-button. (Argus Hamilton)

      I like when the kids go back to school. The house is quiet, the kids are out all day, there's no line for "Dance Dance Revolution" at Chuck E. Cheese. (Craig Ferguson)


      Movie-theater popcorn, greeting cards and college textbooks came in 1-2-3 in Investopedia.com's rankings of outrageously overpriced products. Somehow missing the cut: personal seat licenses and tickets to NFL exhibition games. (Dwight Perry)

      A recent study shows that the average cellular telephone contains almost twenty times the harmful microbes and bacteria found on the average toilet handle. Sure it may be a lot safer, but try calling someone by talking into a toilet handle. (Bob Mills)

      A new survey found that 30 percent of parents get bored playing with their kids. That explains my parents' favorite game to play with me: "hide & stay." (Jimmy Fallon)

      A survey says that 72% of adults are texting now. The other 28% are more interested in arriving alive to where they are driving. (Jim Barach)

      A study says that 25% of the people working now were unemployed at some point during the recession. The sad part is they were rehired at their old job for half the wage, twice the hours and no benefits. (Jim Barach)

      A study says that young people who are sleep deprived because they stay online late into the night are more likely to suffer mental illness as adults. Mostly because they end up hallucinating about finding lost chocolate milk cows on imaginary farms. (Jim Barach)

      A study says that text messages offer little help for women to remember to take their birth control pills. You thought texting while driving was dangerous, just try getting your partner to allow you to check your text messages in the middle of sex. (Jim Barach)

      A study says that pot smoking for teenagers doesn’t lead to other drug abuse. Although it does lead to sleeping 18 hours a day and snacking the other six. (Jim Barach)

      A study says that women who start their periods at a young age are at a greater risk of asthma. Although it’s their partner who will have trouble breathing when she is an adult and is a few days late. (Jim Barach)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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