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Weakly Humerus News 08-28-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-28-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love.
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 28, 2010
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-28-10
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate. (Funny Quote for the Day)

      Elin Nordegren told People magazine she hasn't watched one iota of golf since her estrangement from Tiger Woods: Apparently the doctors told her to avoid sedatives. (Greg Connors)

      Dennis Rodman claims to have had sex with 2,000 women. I always said he was one-tenth the player Wilt Chamberlain was. (Bill Littlejohn)
      I wonder how many of them were lesbians? (Janice Hough)
      I wonder how many of them BECAME lesbians? (George Emil)

      Doc. Rivers states the Laker's 2010 Championship is clouded as his Celtics were missing one of their starters (Kendrick Perkins-Game 7 only). True. He neglected to mention that the 2009 Championship of the Celtics was won with the Lakers missing one of their starters (Andrew Bynum-Entire Series). Also True. I guess there should be an asterisk for those tainted Championships. (Stan Kegel)

      A group of Young Republicans is demanding that Disney reverse their recent theme park price increases. Calling themselves the "Teacup Party," they also claim to have evidence that Mickey is not an American citizen. (Bob Mills)

      Regarding Ken Melman's saying he wants to become a gay rights advocate, isn't that like Jon Gosselin writing a parenting book? Newt Gringrich espousing family values? John Edwards defending traditional marriage? Bristol Palin promoting abstinence? Oops, never mind. (Janice Hough)

      Rookie running back Joe McKnight hasn't lived up to his billing after leaving USC. He's just mad he's taking a pay cut. (Jets linebacker Bart Scott)

      22-year-old Jimena Navarrete, Miss Mexico, was chosen Miss Universe on Monday night, which means she is welcome anywhere in the entire universe EXCEPT Arizona. (Tim Hunter)

      Winnipeg mayor Sam Katz was going for a loose ball during a friendly soccer match and accidentally kicked an opponent in the face. That's gotta be a first: a politician putting his foot in someone else's mouth. (RJ Currie)

      Bristol Palin is reportedly going to be on "Dancing With the Stars". So now "star" is being defined as "knocked up teenage daughter of Governor who quit". (Jim Barach)

      Kyle Busch completed an unprecedented NASCAR trifecta last week, sweeping the Trucks, Nationwide and Sprint Cup races at Bristol Motor Speedway. Or as it's now known in racing circles, a triple double-axle. (Dwight Perry)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama heads to Martha’s Vineyard for a vacation. He’ll be isolated and out of touch with others. And once he leaves the Oval Office, it’s off to the island. (Alan Ray)

      President Obama could not wait to get on vacation. As soon as the plane landed, he grabbed a couple beers and slid down the emergency slide. (David Letterman)

      From his swanky vacation digs at Martha's Vineyard, President Obama has announced he'll make a major speech next week about U. S. involvement in Iraq. That's some house he's staying at. Mansion Accomplished. (Frank King)

      The Boston Herald ripped President Obama for playing golf Sunday and not going to church on Martha's Vineyard. The island was originally a Methodist spiritual retreat. That means a golf course was there a hundred years before the church arrived. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      The Postal Service just announced plans to honor Tiger Woods by putting his photograph on the overnight stamp. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Postal Service is seeking a rate increase they claim is necessary to offset a $1 billion monthly deficit. They list among spiraling expenses gas for delivery vans, rising air cargo costs, and 750,000 canisters of pepper spray. (Bob Mills)

      THE MILITARY

      Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address. Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three." (Bill Stebbins)

      THE STATES

      The Nevada State Legislature is considering a law that designates "Ne-vah-da" as the preferred pronunciation. Probably feeling guilty about the bill they just passed that adds "$3.99 Buffet" to the state seal. (Bob Mills)

      LOCAL NEWS

      A city worker in Norfolk, Virginia was paid salary and benefits without showing up for work for twelve straight years. Although city officials did have to admit he got just as much done with fewer customer complaints than other city workers. (Jim Barach)

      Last night in L. A. a cop pulled over a woman with her feet sticking through the sunroof and ticketed her for using a cellphone while driving. (Argus Hamilton)

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      Rick Scott, who spent $38 million of his own money to win the Florida Republican senate primary,, says there is no limit on what he will spend to win the general election. Scoffed Meg Whitman in California, "everything's cheaper in Florida." (Janice Hough)

      Former President Jimmy Carter has secured the release of an imprisoned U. S. man in North Korea. The man agreed to return to. America only after Carter promised to never run for office ever again. (Jake Novak)

      Ken Mehlman, former RNC chair and director of President Bush's 2004 re-election campaign, came out of the closet, and said he will become a gay rights advocate. So Mehlman spent the first 44 years of his life being ashamed of his homosexuality, now he can spend the rest of his life being ashamed of having helped re-elect George W? (Janice Hough)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      1 in 10 Americans have missed at least one mortgage payment, says the Mortgage Bankers Assoc. The mortgage bankers miss those payments, too. (Scott Witt)

      Only half of all Republicans and self-identified conservatives favor extending the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, a new public opinion poll shows. In related news, 50 percent of Republicans and self-identified conservatives consider themselves wealthy. (Janice Hough)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Bought a pound of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. They should have called it I Can't Believe It's Not A Pound. The new weight is 15 ounces. (Scott Witt)

      Mexicana Airlines has filed for bankruptcy, citing aircraft fuel prices and plummeting ticket sales. No surprise there. So far this year, their First Class meal ratings have dropped from two ears and a tail to one ear. (Bob Mills)

      Air Tran has raised their cost of checking the first piece of luggage to $20. It's just a matter of time before the TSA starts charging for the pre-boarding strip search. (Jim Barach)

      The Venturi Buckeye Bullet, a car built by Ohio State students, set an electric vehicle speed record of 495.18 KPH at the Bonneville Salt Flats. There hasn't been anything from Ohio move this fast since LeBron James left Cleveland. (RJ Currie)

      CANADA

      Marijuana growers in western Canada are using bears to protect their illegal crops. Suddenly, Smokey seems very, very cool. (Dwight Perry)

      A new Ipsos Reid poll of Canadian TV viewing habits says about 25 per cent of British Columbians prefer to watch competitive sports. On the other hand, 36 per cent enjoy watching drama like the BC Lions. (RJ Currie)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      Prince Charles launched a new Green campaign Thursday by recommending five-minute showers for all. He might never make king. Queen Elizabeth is eighty-five, and she's certainly not going to die before she is old enough to host Saturday Night Live. (Argus Hamilton)

      AUSTRALIA & OCEAN ISLANDS

      800 workers at the StarKist factory in American Samoa have lost their jobs. When they went to work for the last time, they had no idea they were the ones who were getting canned. (Jim Barach)

      HEALTH

      The salmonella outbreak in fresh eggs has been tied to contaminated chicken feed. But remember, just because chicken feed may be tainted, that's no reason for you to refuse your weekly salary. (Jerry Perisho)

      A new study found that if middle-age and older adults drink two cups of water before eating they will lose more weight. Oh, you eat the same amount of food, but getting up to pee burns a lot more calories. (Jerry Perisho)

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      Tropical storm Danielle is stirring around in the Atlantic. The last time there was this much concern about a Danielle sneaking in was back during the Clinton administration. (Tim Hunter)

      SPORTS

      At the Barclays, Tiger Woods shot his best round this year, a 66, right after his divorce being final. Well, sure, everyone knows you play golf better when you get your own balls back. (Alex Kaseberg)

      NFL owners are debating whether to expand the regular season to 18 games. The shorter offseason should cut down on the chances for players to commit serious felonies. (Jake Novak)

      I'm not surprised the San Diego Chargers' preseason game against the Dallas Cowboys has not sold out, not to put too fine a point on it, but buying preseason NFL tickets is like paying for an adult film only to find out it is just a video of the cast doing a script read-through. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Dateline New York, April 24, 2027: "NFL fines Minnesota a record $2.5 million after new Vikings GM Brett Favre holds up the draft for 2 ½ weeks while deciding on his first-round pick." (Dwight Perry)

      Lou Piniella has retired from the Chicago Cubs. His players are reacting to the news like they do a curve ball. They miss him badly. (Alan Ray)

      Lou Pinella may have retired but there is talk that the Cubs want him back at Wrigley for one more game, so he can be ceremoniously tossed out with the first pitch. And in his honor, the team will retire a dirt covered home plate. (Janice Hough)

      The Little League World Series games are all about kids having fun; So says ESPN, which broadcasts with 2 satellite trucks, 17 cameras, 8 reporters and an HD transmitter. (Alan Ray)

      The Lingerie Football League kicked off its 2010 season Friday night with the Seattle Mist hosting the L. A. Temptation. Must have been be a tough choice for young men in the area, Piranha 3D or football 36D? (RJ Currie)

      Lingerie Football League defenses have no peers, grid purists say, when it comes to underneath coverage. (Dwight Perry)

      The cash-strapped Association of Volleyball Professionals has canceled the remainder of its 2010 beach season. That's one league that can't blame its demise on lack of coverage. (Dwight Perry)

      Good news and bad for Winnipeg's football team since coach Paul LaPolice replaced Mike Kelly. The good news: the Bomber cheerleaders still don't suffer from anorexia. The bad news: the Bomber cheerleaders still don't have much to cheer about. (RJ Currie)

      Olympic Pentathlon contestants will use laser guns in the 2012 Games instead of air guns. Apparently the decision came after Olympic officials reviewed the air guns and warned contestants "You could put an eye out with these!" (Jim Barach)

      UNC's athletic director says the football program is under investigation for "improprieties that existed outside the classroom." Responded most Tarheel players when asked "What classroom?" (Janice Hough)

      Someone at TSN needs to tell CFL play-by-play man Rod Black that scatbacks don't rumble and fullbacks don't scamper. (RJ Currie)

      ATHLETES

      Tiger Woods will pay Elin Nordegren a $100 million dollar divorce settlement. He'll miss her sense of humor. She often kept him in stitches. (Alan Ray)

      Tiger Woods divorce from Elin Nordegen is final. Tiger is left with half a billion dollars and he is free to date any beautiful woman in the entire world. Well, that should teach him. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Roger Clemens was indicted for lying to Congress about his use of steroids. He needs a new defense. Nobody bought his original story that he grew up during the Nixon administration, which makes him generationally pre-disposed to lying to Congress. (Argus Hamilton)

      Bad news for Stephen Strasburg, who while he has a guaranteed $15 contract, will need to undergo Tommy John surgery and miss the 2011 season. Worse news for all those poor guys and gals trying to sell Nationals 2011 season tickets. (Janice Hough)

      In a pre-U. S. Open celebrity doubles event Wednesday, Rafael Nadal partnered with supermodel Bar Refaeli. Which made them, of course, team Rafael Refaeli. Might be the best pair I've ever seen. (RJ Currie)

      Florida's Ronny Paulino blamed diet pills for his 50-game drug suspension: That diet pill sure worked. The Marlins lost 250 pounds of catcher overnight. (Greg Cote)

      Golfer Jim Furyk got DQ'd from this week's Barclays tournament when he overslept and missed his tee time, costing him untold tens of thousands in prize money. That extended slumber, you'd have to say, was one bad lie. (Dwight Perry)

      Tennis pro and Cincinnati Open finalist Marty Fish has lost over 30 pounds since September. If he gets any smaller, they're going to start throwing him back. (RJ Currie)

      Oregon State offensive lineman Tyler Patrick Thomas was arrested Sunday after being found naked and drunk in a stranger's home. Police tasered him when he went into a three-point stance and ran at them. He was: a) dismissed by the team for violating their code of conduct; b) suspended by the English department for being caught with a dangling participle. (RJ Currie)

      Corvallis Police say two officers had to simultaneously fire their Tasers to subdue a naked Oregon State lineman who got into his three-point stance and lunged at them. Getting charged twice before he's even officially charged — isn't that double jeopardy or something? (Dwight Perry)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      In "Eat Pray Love," Julia Roberts ditches her boyfriend to find her real soul mate and seeks guidance from a Holy Man in Bali. But things don't look too encouraging at first -- the Holy Man keeps coming up with Lyle Lovett. (Bob Mills)

      "The Expendables" led the box office for the second straight week with a take of $17 million. In it, Arnold Schwarzenegger gives the second greatest performance of his life; the first one got him elected governor of Calif. (Jerry Perisho)

      “Takers” is out in movie theaters this week. Matt Dillon is a cop trying to foil a group of bank robbers. He takes a job with Goldman Sachs. (Alan Ray)

      X-Box is releasing a karaoke game based on a sampling of hits from Andrew Lloyd Webber's Broadway musicals. Finally, an excuse to sing "Memory" without being arrested for causing a public nuisance. (Bob Mills)

      ENTERTAINERS

      Aerosmith performed a song atop the Green Monster during a Fenway concert. There has been no word on whether it was 'Livin' On The Edge'. (Greg Frazier)

      Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab. Her drying out period has really had an impact. Sales at Bev Mo are down 35 percent. (Alan Ray)

      Maggie Gyllenhaal is set to star in "Hysteria" a movie about the invention of the vibrator. Don't confuse the movie about the vibrator with "Jersey Shore," that's a show about dildos. (Alex Kaseberg)

      THE MEDIA

      Radio psychologist Dr. Laura is quitting. Word is she may launch her own radio station if the FCC will grant her the call letters. KKK. (Alan Ray)

      Some critics are saying that Palin won't last on Fox because she's an over-emotional woman who gets the facts wrong. But I disagree. It's working great for Glenn Beck, so she'll be fine. (Funny Quote for the Day)

      An intruder was arrested at Paris Hilton’s Los Angeles home after she said he tried to break in. There was a lot of screaming; it was the crook after he realized he’d picked Paris Hilton’s house. He was immediately taken to a decontamination center; no, he hadn’t been sprayed with pepper spray, but he was in Paris Hilton’s house. ( Jerry Perisho)

      The audience for the CBS Evening News has dropped to an all time low of 4.8 Million viewers. The first sign that things are slipping was when Katie Couric showed up to anchor wearing sweatpants, a T-shirt and baseball cap. (Jim Barach)

      Reporter Renee Gork was fired by KAKS Hog Sports Radio after she showed up for an Arkansas football news conference wearing a Florida Gators cap. There went station managers' plans for The Pork and Gork Show. (Dwight Perry)

      THE INTERNET AND BLOGGERS

      According to McAfee, Web surfers seeking information on Cameron Diaz face a 10% chance of contracting a virus or other form of malware. Those who search for Kate Hudson face a 96.4% chance of being referred to the official web page of the New York Yankees. (Bob Mills)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Bristol Palin will be a contestant on next season's 'Dancing With The Stars'. It ought to be fun watching her glide around the dance floor with her knees glued together. (Jerry Perisho)

      One of the reasons Bristol Palin broke up with Levi Johnston for a second time was that she said he only cared about being in the media limelight. No doubt we will hear more about that from Bristol now that she has signed up to appear on "Dancing with the Stars." (Janice Hough)

      Reality show star Heidi Montag says she wants her huge G-cup breast implants removed. Hearing the news, the bottom dropped out of the silicone market. (Jerry Perisho)

      Jessica Simpson, who is dating ex-NFLer Eric Johnson, did a cover shot and interview for the latest issue of Lucky. No one has had the nerve to ask Johnson if he's gotten it yet. (RJ Currie)

      If IndyCar driver Mike Conway sends a tweet, would that be called a Conway Twitter? (RJ Currie)

      EDUCATION

      Kids head back to school over the next two weeks. There will be tears in the eyes of parents as they watch their 1st grader go off to class. At 3pm, he’ll come home. (Alan Ray)

      RELIGION

      The Presbyterian Church placed a lesbian minister on trial for performing same-sex marriages Monday. This happens when you dumb down theology school. First the Presbyterians stopped requiring Calvinism, then they stop teaching Calvinism, now they teach that their church was founded by Calvin Klein as a promotion for his jeans. (Argus Hamilton)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      A small group of men and women rallied in San Francisco as part of "Go Topless" day, to demand that both sexes be equally able to go out in public with bare breasts. Finally, a feminist cause most men would wholeheartedly agree with. (Janice Hough)

      Cosmopolitan introduced a new iPhone app called Sex Position of the Day. They call it the go-to Kama Sutra. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Miss Universe Pageant is Monday in Las Vegas. Despite being from different countries and various cultures, all the contestants share the same commonality. An overbearing mom. (Alan Ray)

      SURVEYS, POLLS & STUDIES

      A study says the average teenager sends 3,000 text messages each month. Apparently those teenagers need something to do to keep them busy while they are driving. (Jim Barach)

      A study in Indiana shows that students who took driver's education were four times more likely to get into accidents than students who didn't. Mostly because the driving instructors never gave the students proper instruction on how to drive while texting. (Jim Barach)

      A government study says that one in twelve drivers admits to driving while drunk at least one time in the past year. To which those people say it wasn't like they were doing anything really dangerous, like texting. (Jim Barach)

      A study says alcohol confuses perception of attractiveness. Initial experiments didn’t’ work. No matter how many drinks scientists bought female subjects, women still thought they were nerds. (Alan Ray)

      The CDC says that motor vehicle accidents cost the U. S. $100 Billion a year. Of course, only about $1 Billion is for car repairs. The rest goes to court fees and settlements for ambulance chasing lawyers. (Jim Barach)


      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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