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Weakly Humerus News 08-13-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-14-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK The day before Chelsea s wedding, Hillary asked her, Have you had sex with Marc
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 14, 2010
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-14-10


      The day before Chelsea 's wedding, Hillary asked her, "Have you had sex with Marc yet?" Chelsea replied, "Not according to Dad!" (Author Unknown)

      Teachers in Milwaukee are suing to stop the school board from taking Viagra out of their health coverage. Officials had planned to eliminate the benefit, but they were met with stiff opposition. (Alan Ray)

      Phil Mickelson says he’s being treated for arthritis. Guess he and Tiger both have had problems this year spending too much time being stiff. (Janice Hough)

      Apparently Mark Hurd, the now former CEO of HP, was “caught” and forced to resign because he falsified expense reports to pay off a female contractor with whom he allegedly had a relationship. Excuse me, the guy made over $24 million in 2009 – he couldn’t have used cash? - Tacky time. I’ll say one thing for Carly Fiorina, when she screwed HP employees, she kept her clothes on. (Janice Hough)

      Suspended Houston Texans linebacker Brian Cushing says his positive test for a female fertility drug was the result of overtraining. Either that or too many Lamaze classes with Manny Ramirez. (Janice Hough)

      The NBA announced two regular season games will be played in London between the New Jersey Nets and the Toronto Raptors. And the Brits thought a World Cup tie with the U.S. was painful to watch? (RJ Currie)

      A $40 million severance package for Mark Hurd, $42 million for Carly Fiorina. No wonder my HP toner cartridge costs $2,000. each. (Gary Morton)

      At Louisville basketball coach, Rick Pitino’s, extortion trial against a waitress, one of the most embarrassing details was the sex lasted just fifteen seconds. Oh, I’m sure rival Kentucky fans won’t exploit this: “Hey, Pitino, even a minuteman takes sixty seconds.” “Hey Pitino, even a 30 second commercial takes 30 seconds. ” “Hey Pitino, how was your 15 seconds of fame?” “Hey Pitino, how did it feel to beat the shot clock?” (Alex Kaseberg)

      A British ice cream company is now selling an adults-only ice cream made with Viagra. If your Popsicle lasts more than four hours, you should see a doctor. (Tim Hunter)


      A federal judge in California struck down Proposition 8, saying it was unconstitutional. Gay couples can now get married in the state of California. Remember when women used to say the best ones were either gay or married? Now they can be both. (Jay Leno)

      People are trying to understand the judge's thinking on this. Well, I think it's pretty clear. After seeing straight couples like Bristol and Levi, Larry King and his wives, Charlie Sheen and his wives, gays couldn't screw it up any worse than that, right? So what the heck, go for it. (Jay Leno)


      Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. The current mayor said Levi Johnston should get his high school diploma and keep his clothes on if he wants to win. And then Levi was like, "Dude, he just told me how to win. What an idiot." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Ironically, many of the babies he'll kiss on the campaign trail will be his own. (Jay Leno)

      I thought this guy (Levi Johnston) was a weasel. Did you hear the latest? He's now offering to sell a tell-all interview about himself, the latest break-up, and inside information about Sarah Palin for $20,000. Looking back, the problem isn't that he refused to wear a condom. The problem is his father didn't wear a condom. (Jay Leno)

      Levi Johnston is pitching a reality show that follows him as he runs for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. TV audiences are more interested in a reality show where Sarah Palin shoots at him from a helicopter. (Jerry Perisho)

      Levi Johnston, the on-again, off-again fiance of Bristol Palin, now tells the world he has political aspirations and will run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Is he nuts? The guy has no experience and may not even have voted. You don’t run for mayor with that background, you run for Governor of California. (Janice Hough)


      President Obama welcomed the Super Bowl champion New Orleans Saints to the White House. How is a wide receiver like Joe Biden at the podium? Both tend to go long. (Alan Ray)

      President Obama announced this month that he created 70,000 new jobs. The bad news is, they are all vacation planners for him and his family. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama told a crowd in Austin, Texas, that if you want to go forward, you put your car in “D,” and if you want to move backward, you put your car in “R.” But the economy is still “F-ed.” (Jay Leno)


      The U. S. Postal Service reported a $3.5 billion loss in the last quarter, which established it as the federal government's most successful enterprise. (Jay Leno)

      Experts said that eventually, the post office could turn a profit if this e-mail thing turns out to be just a fad. (Jay Leno)


      Nancy Pelosi canceled the August recess and called Congress back into session Wednesday to vote on a spending bill. Members were never happier to get back to Washington. They were followed all the way to the airport by taxpayers with pitchforks. (Argus Hamilton)

      Charlie Rangel denied ethics charges Tuesday as Maxine Waters awaited her turn in the dock. Twas ever thus. Congressmen must drive their own cars in Washington because cab drivers refuse to pick up people who are statistically likely to rob them. (Argus Hamilton)


      The Senate has confirmed Elena Kagan for the Supreme Court. She now has a job for life. Just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer. (Jay Leno)

      A New York judge ruled Tuesday that street vendors need a license to sell novelty President Obama condoms. They're selling like hotcakes. Half the country wants to be protected by the president and the other half wants to be protected from the president. (Argus Hamilton)


      California state workers will demonstrate at theaters playing Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's new movie "The Expendables" to protest his furlough policy. But they'll have to fight their way through the much larger crowds of angry movie goers who will be demanding their money back. (Jake Novak)

      New York City has a serious bed bug infestation. The New York bed bug infestation is so bad it is starting to scare away some of the cockroaches and rats. (Alex Kaseberg)

      A man in West Virginia was arrested in a park with his pants down holding an armless mannequin. He told a cop, "This isn't what it looks like." And the cop said, "I have no idea what this looks like." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Ironically, many of the babies he'll kiss on the campaign trail will be his own. (Jay Leno)

      Camden, N.J., is shutting down all of its libraries. It’s not due to budget issues, it’s just that the mayor saw “Jersey Shore,” and said, “What’s the point?” (Craig Ferguson)

      Officials in Camden, New Jersey may be forced to close the city’s libraries due to budget shortfalls. New Jersey had to close all their libraries several years ago and it was six months before anyone noticed.


      Newt (gingrich) is so pro-marriage, he can't stop doing it. He is so morally upright, that he's only had sex after he was married. Just not always to the woman he was married to. (Stephen Colbert)

      California Senate candidate and former HP CEO Carly Fiorina says that U.S. corporations are better at creating jobs without government intervention. Yeah, but based on her tenure at HP, they are better at creating them in India and China. (Janice Hough)

      In California, it looks like both Carly Fiorina and Meg Whitman have finally come out against repealing the 14th amendment. While we're on the subject of amendments, however, many voters would feel more better about both women had they actually been taking advantage of the 19th. (Janice Hough)


      The economy is so bad right now, a lot of women in Beverly Hills are being forced to marry for love. (Jay Leno)


      BP says its Gulf oil well is completely capped. The company will now turn its attention to another disaster area. The station restrooms. (Alan Ray)

      Chase Bank today announced that it had concluded a salary review of its top executives and concluded that, yes their executives are paid outrageously; but considering their outrageous behavior, this is only fair. (PBen News Network)

      Denny’s has a new sandwich called the Fried Cheese Melt, which comes with deep-fried mozzarella sticks inside a grilled cheese. It’s so good, it’ll have all your friends saying, “Clear!” (Jimmy Fallon)

      The CEO of HP Mark Hurd has stepped down amid a scandal involving a soft porn star. He got together with her to talk about a job. And it wasn’t 9 to 5. (Alan Ray)

      Disney third quarter profits are up dramatically. It was a shock to theme park industry analysts. It signals the line finally moved at the souvenir shop. (Alan Ray)

      Effective immediately, all workplaces in the United States will be fitted with inflatable slides to enable disgruntled employees to quit as dramatically as possible. (Andy Borowitz)

      There's a new iPhone app that lets you call your Facebook friends from your phone. Of course, I only got on Facebook so I wouldn't have to call these people. (Jimmy Fallon)


      You know those controversial TSA full-body scanners? Well, they're coming to airports here in New York next month. Great. Normally I take a Xanax before I fly, now I have to take a Viagra. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A Jet Blue cabin steward arriving in New York from Pittsburgh assaulted a passenger, cursed at her over the PA system, and escaped down the plane’s emergency slide. He later admitted that he had overreacted when the woman failed to return her tray to the locked and upright position. (Bob Mills)

      A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers. This flight attendant really went crazy. The good news: terrorists are now afraid to fly. (Jay Leno)

      Everyone is talking about Steven Slater, the flight attendant who cursed at a passenger, grabbed two beers, and slid down the escape slide, in what may be the best resignation ever. In fact he's so good at quitting, they're thinking about making him the next governor of Alaska. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      We’ve been following Steven Slater, the JetBlue flight attendant that made a daring escape — from employment. Slater cursed at a passenger, grabbed a couple beers, and went down the inflatable escape slide, which raises the question: Why don’t we always go down the escape slide? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      If anyone is looking for a job, there's an opening for a flight attendant at JetBlue. Steven Slater, the famous JetBlue flight attendant, dropped so many F-bombs on that plane that he got a thumbs up from Joe Biden. (Jay Leno)

      The ex-wife of rogue JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater defended his professionalism and dedication. Industry experts were shocked. A male flight attendant was married to a woman? (Jim Barach)


      A man from California was arrested for trying to smuggle piranhas into the country. And you thought it was scary hiding heroin in your rectum. (Jimmy Fallon)


      Health officials confirmed this week that at least one person in Alberta has caught the new NDM-1 antibiotic-resistant superbug. A spokesperson from the University of Calgary wouldn't say who the patient is, but added it isn't an Edmonton Eskimo because they can't catch anything. (RJ Currie)


      The Mexican Supreme Court ruled that all Mexican states must recognize same-sex marriages registered in Mexico City. So men can now marry in Mexico, but they still can't honeymoon in Arizona. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Plans are being finalized for Mexico's bicentennial. On Sept. 15, over 70 million Mexicans will celebrate, and that's just in Los Angeles. (Jay Leno)


      It's Ecuadorian Independence Day. It's also Antonio Banderas' birthday. Coincidence? Not the slightest. (Craig Ferguson)


      A company in Britain has created a car that can be powered by human waste. One of the biggest benefits is that you no longer have to find a gas station to use the restroom. (Tim Hunter)

      It was on this day that construction began on the Leaning Tower of Pisa, which was named after the town in which it was built, of course, named "Leaning." (Craig Ferguson)

      The Leaning Tower of Pisa started leaning while they were building it. Builders were shocked to find out the tower wasn't straight, just like me with Ricky Martin. (Craig Ferguson)


      Scientists in Britain unveiled the world's first robot with emotions. That's just what we need — a Rumba that's too bummed out to vacuum. (Jimmy Fallon)


      A new study found that Americans are becoming more honest about their weight. I guess people are starting to realize we can see them. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Food insecurity is rising in the U.S. 15% of households don’t have enough to eat. If anyone wants to know where that food is going, just look at the other 85% of Americans. (Jim Barach)

      If women have excessive belly fat and a muffin-top, it can be fatal. Especially if you mention it to them. (Jay Leno)

      A report says that the number one cause of food poisoning is from poultry. If it gets any worse, the Colonel may be demoted back down to Private. (Jim Barach)


      The Weather Channel reported a record heat wave across the South Friday. There were electrical power outages at hotels in Washington D.C. It was so hot at the Mayflower that Al Gore took off his towel and there wasn't even a masseuse in the room. (Argus Hamilton)


      The New Orleans Saints visited the White House yesterday. That's an interesting switch, people from New Orleans visiting a disaster area. (Jay Leno)

      The NFL preseason begins. The Cincinnati Bengals love it when the crowd is on their feet screaming at the top of their lungs. They sort of drown out Terrell Owens. (Alan Ray)

      The Daily Mail reports that a Manchester thief who would apologize to victims after robbing them has been jailed indefinitely. In a related story, owner Mick Gillispie has apologized to Cubs fans but remains at large. (RJ Currie)

      Three cities that would like to have professional football, should Bob Young decide to move the Hamilton Tiger-Cats: 3. Moncton; 2. Quebec City; 1. Detroit. (Cam Hutchinson)

      The University of Tennessee is under investigation from the Lane Kiffin days for allegedly hiring attractive women to serve as hostess for recruits. Regarding these hostesses, there are pictures of them with players and recruits that have been widely circulated, yet, Kiffin says after practice at USC “that the investigation won’t find any wrongdoing. ” Yep, I can see why the Trojans thought he was a worthy successor to Pete Carroll. (Janice Hough)

      A study says that “icing” an opponent with a time out at a critical moment in a game can hurt their performance. That makes sense. Just look what it has done to Tiger Woods this year. (Jim Barach)

      Will the athletes have to learn how to run on the other side of the track for the 2012 London Olympics? (Stephen Colbert)

      A man in the stands at a Houston Astros game ducked away from of a foul ball and instead it hit his girlfriend. He may have dodged that one, but I'm thinking that's just the start of a whole lot of foul trouble. (RJ Currie)

      The NFL exhibition season has begun. The Detroit Lions plan to take their game this year to the next level. Pop Warner. (Alan Ray)

      The U. S. Womens gymnastics team finally received their Olympic bronze medals, ten years after the fact, because the Chinese team was found to be underage. Meanwhile, the young women from that Chinese team have hopes of winning this year's All-Asia High School Championship. (Janice Hough)

      Pitino and the waitress only had sex for 15 seconds. That barely gave Pitino enough time to dribble before he shot. It also brings a new ugly meaning to putting up a last second shot. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Good news and bad news for Frankie Babilonia, the Yankee employee who returned A-Rod's 600th home run ball and was rewarded with a bat. The bad news: you didn't get the dinner with Cameron Diaz that A-Rod promised fans. The good news: the bat is a better conversationalist. (RJ Currie)

      University of Central Florida coach George O'Leary got in trouble for okaying a photo shoot of a Playboy playmate in the team's locker room. It's just immoral. If God had wanted people to be naked in a locker room he would have put showers in there. (Argus Hamilton)

      Former NFL coach Jimmy Johnson will be a contestant in the reality show “Survivor”. In their first challenge as they swim ashore, everyone has to survive the oil slick coming off Johnson’s hair. (Jerry Perisho)


      Golfer Phil Mickelson revealed yesterday that for the last seven weeks, he's actually been a vegetarian. So that's why he's been attacking the greens lately. (Dwight Perry)

      Denver Broncos rookie Tim Tebow was given a monk style fringe haircut by teammates. What's next for NFL quarterbacks, the Friar Tuck rule? (RJ Currie)

      Perpetually waffling QB Brett Favre came in No. 1 — with Michael Vick, Pete Rose, Tonya Harding and Lawrence Taylor listed 2-3-4-5 — when Mike Freeman of CBSsports.com released his updated list of all-time top-50 sports jerks. Favre, though, says he probably won't decide until late November whether he'll accept the honor. (Dwight Perry)

      Stephen Strasburg got shelled in front of a home crowd by the Marlins lasting only 4-1/3 innings. The final stats on what was given up: one homer, five doubles, six runs and 25,939 expectations. (RJ Currie)

      Tiger Woods finished 18 over par at the Bridgestone Invitational. The last time he hit this many trees, he was trying to get out of his driveway. (Jay Leno) .

      Tiger Woods hit three fans with errant shots at last week's World Golf Championship in Akron. It was bad. You never thought you'd see the day when Tiger Woods could add up his score after each hole by looking down the fairway and counting the wounded. (Argus Hamilton)

      Lebron James finally got around to thanking fans in Cleveland, a full month after “The Decision.” With that kind of disaster management, when he retires Lebron will surely have a job waiting for him at FEMA. (Janice Hough)

      The poet John Donne once said 'No man is an island.' Then again, he never signed Shaquille O'Neal. (RJ Currie)

      Passenger Dennis Rodman escaped serious injury after an SUV flipped: Rodman was reported to be 'stable', which I believe is a first. (Brad Dickson)

      In NHL free agent news, Selanne has signed with his old Teemu. (RJ Currie)

      Mets relief pitcher Francisco "K-Rod" Rodriguez was arrested at Citi Field after assaulting his father-in-law. The good news is the Mets have finally found a decent hitter! (Jake Novak)

      Alex Rodriguez hit his six hundredth home run at Yankee Stadium Wednesday. The homer was a tape-measure blast. The ball landed over the left field fence inside Monument Park right between the two plaques honoring Jose Canseco and Lance Armstrong. (Argus Hamilton)

      Former boxer Mike Landrum is suing Mike Tyson for $115 million claiming Tyson stole his Iron Mike nickname 25 years ago. Suing Mike Tyson? Isn't that like trying to grab a naked man by the pockets? (RJ Currie)

      Houston Texan Brian Cushing now says overtraining caused his high hormone levels not the female fertility drug HCG. I'm not saying HCG is a problem in the NFL, but if another Wrong Way Run ever happens, the player will probably stop and ask for directions. (RJ Currie)

      Houston linebacker Brian Cushing tested claims he tested positive for elevated levels of HCG because of he ‘overtrained.” Well at least that’s one problem Washington’s Albert Haynesworth will never have. (Janice Hough)

      Texans linebacker Brian Cushing appealed his failed drug test to the NFL, saying his increased hormone levels were a direct result of 'overtrained athlete syndrome'. The ploy might've worked, analysts say, if Cushing had played his college ball at Michigan. (Dwight Perry)


      Nickelodeon's latina "Dora the Explorer" character turns 10 today. In honor of her birthday, the show is doing a special episode on how she uses the map to escape from Arizona. (Jake Novak)

      Disneyland resumed selling Davy Crockett toy rifles in Frontierland on Tuesday after a ten year ban. However, the kids must fill out the necessary paperwork. Every gun comes with an NRA junior membership card and a GOP voter registration form. (Argus Hamilton)

      "Candid Camera" started on ABC in 1948, then moved to NBC and CBS, because back then, shows switched networks all the time. That would never happen now. (Craig Ferguson)

      "Candid Camera" was created by Allen Funt, who was like the Ashton Kutcher of his day. And back when he started the show, he was actually dating Demi Moore. (Craig Ferguson)

      Summertime brings a whole new batch of reality TV shows. I think we should get rid of some of the reality shows we already have. That could be a reality show. Every week, we vote one reality show off the air. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      There’s a new movie “Eat, Pray, Love.” Not to be confused with a movie about Eliot Spitzer, which is “Eat, Pay, Love.” (Jay Leno)

      One group of people that can’t complain about their jobs is the cast of “Jersey Shore.” Getting drunk and cursing people out is their job on that show. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      According to Forbes Magazine, Sandra Bullock is the highest-paid movie star with an annual income of $56 million. Friends confide that she feels so guilty, she’s thinking of taking in a poor black high school football player. (Bob Mills)

      A 10-year-old girl that wowed the judges on “America’s Got Talent” is being called the next Susan Boyle. Kids can be so cruel. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Allman Brothers will tour again in the fall. You can tell these rockers have aged. Groupies still get them drugs. But now there’s a $10 co-pay. (Alan Ray)

      Justin Bieber has signed on to be the new spokesman for the acne brand ProActive. I guess we know what's hiding behind those bangs. (Jimmy Fallon)


      Rush Limbaugh's wedding pictures are now posted on his Facebook page. For clarification's sake, that would be this year's wedding. Rush is becoming the "King of Marriage". The Larry King, that is. (Tim Hunter)

      Jim Rome and Shaquille O'Neal have been in a Twitter war ever since Rome criticized Shaq on his show last week, Whatever Rome does, he'd better not call the big fella, 'Chris Evert'. (Bill Littlejohn)

      Fox News late-night host Greg Gutfeld made plans to open a gay bar next door to the mosque planned near the World Trade Center. The FBI loves the idea. It's like having another thousand pair of eyes on every young man who walks into and out of the mosque. (Argus Hamilton)


      Facebook is said to be working on a check-in feature so that your friends can see your location. Though I think everyone knows, if you’re on Facebook, you’re at work. (Jimmy Fallon)


      Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and 38 other U. S. billionaires have pledged to give half their fortunes to charity. Sort of like the Cubs do with their $146 million payroll. (Dwight Perry)

      Supermodel Kate Moss is launching her own brand of homemade jams. The jars will come in two styles: low fat and empty. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Naomi Campbell was forced to testify about blood diamonds given to her by former Liberian President Charles Taylor. She told reporters, "I didn't want to be here. This is a big inconvenience for me." Which is exactly what the slave that had to dig up the diamonds said. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Kendall Jenner, daughter of former Olympian Bruce Jenner, was front page news this week over her bikini photos for retailer Forever 21. I'm thinking Kendall is getting advice from her sisters Kourtney, Khloe and Kim Kardashian; the less cover they put on, the more covers they're put on. (RJ Currie)

      Rosie Huntington-Whitley, who replaced Megan Fox in the Transformers, will debut 'the Incredible' by Victoria's Secret, a bra that boasts "memory fit." Is that like a photographic mammary? (RJ Currie)

      Snooki from "Jersey Shore" was arrested and she apologized to her father for embarrassing him. This embarrasses him? Has he seen any of the show? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Snooki says she learned her lesson and will no longer drink during the day. Unfortunately, that violates her contract with MTV. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      Many of the nation’s school children head back to the classroom this month. When the bell sounds at 8:15, it can only mean one thing. Someone just set off the metal detector. (Alan Ray)

      My niece and nephew started school already. They're in Arizona, so I guess they wanted to get them in while the playground is still 150 degrees. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      Mel Gibson's father is speaking out, claiming that the Pope is a homosexual. It might be a good time for the whole Gibson family to go to a monastery and take a vow of silence. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Milwaukee's teachers union demanded Friday that Viagra be restored to its health care coverage. They're very serious. Milwaukee schools would lead the nation in academic achievement if the teachers were this concerned about getting test scores up. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Muslim Cordoba Initiative has indicated that they will agree not to build an Islamic Community Center two blocks away from "ground zero" in NYC if the Catholic Church will agree to shut down all of its churches and rectories situated within 800 feet of any and all elementary schools. (PBen News)


      While the modern valve-type flush toilet wasn't introduced until 1738, John Harrington designed the first flushing "water closet" in 1596 and installed one for his godmother, Elizabeth I of England. Harrington is therefore credited with the first Royal Flush. (RJ Currie)

      Galileo was born in Pisa. He invented the telescope and then, about five minutes later, invented spying on his neighbors. (Craig Ferguson)


      India's Kama Sutra was published as an audio book Wednesday for the first time in the sixteen-hundred-year history of the sex guide. You can now listen to it on your way to work. We were safer with one hand on the phone and one hand on the wheel. (Argus Hamilton)

      A study says 20% of people in an emergency would post a plea for help on Facebook or Twitter. The other 80% would shoot video on their cell phone and post it on Youtube. (Jim Barach)

      There's a new Pop-Tarts café opening in Times Square. Finally, a way to enjoy Pop-Tarts without the hassle of making them myself. (Jimmy Fallon)


      Today is National S'mores Day. It's the day that we honor the memories of all the fallen marshmallows that were drowned in chocolate and burned to make this the fattest country in the world. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      Friday the 13th is bad luck to the superstitious. What's the psychological term for someone who will skip work this day without a rational excuse? Civil servant. (Alan Ray)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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