Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

Weakly Humerus News 08-06-10

Expand Messages
  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-06-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Today was President Obama s birthday. All the Democrats were like How old are
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 7, 2010
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-06-10


      Today was President Obama's birthday. All the Democrats were like "How old are you now," while the Republicans were like "And where were you born?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Three convicted murderers escaped from a prison in Arizona. The governor told the people, "Don't worry, all three murderers are American citizens." (Jay Leno)

      It was announced that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have broken up. These two have called it quits more times than Brett Favre. (Jay Leno)

      An open question to all those in favor of Prop 8. Can any gay couple make more of a mockery of the idea of marriage than Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston? (Janice Hough)

      Brett Farve announced his retirement from professional football Tuesday. Wednesday, Brett Farve announced he has not yet made up his mind about retiring. In other news, Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. (Stan Kegel)

      Zsa Zsa Gabor was admitted to UCLA Medical Centre for rehab after injuring herself falling out of bed. The Gabor rehab differs from the Tiger Woods rehab, which arose from him constantly falling into bed. (RJ Currie)

      I just read about a 7-year-old boy in Britain who sells his paintings for $200,000. His last painting is incredible. It's titled, "Man flushing $200,000 down toilet." (Jimmy Fallon)

      It's been more than 24 hours since the court struck down California's ban on gay marriage, but celebrations in San Francisco have been postponed until Friday. Well, there was a rerun of "Glee," so they had to wait. (David Letterman)

      Baseball in an attempt to enter the 21st century will markedly expand instant replay next year ... Oops, sorry ... Its The Litle League World Series that will expand the usage of instant replay next year. (Stan Kegel)

      The Miami Heat sold out their season tickets and immediately fired their ticket-sales staff. How's that for an incentive program? (Jerry Greene)

      There have been so many no-hitters in the majors one of ESPN's talking heads called this the year of the no-no. When Paris Hilton heard that she said, 'What's a no-no?' (RJ Currie)

      Rick Pitino says his liaison at a restaurant with the woman found guilty of trying to extort him lasted 15 seconds: Fifteen seconds? I’m thinking Pitino didn’t do a very good job of managing the shot clock. (Cam Hutchinson)

      Barnes & Noble has been put up for sale. I wonder what kindled the decision. (Scott Witt)

      Congressman Peter King of New York ripped plans to build a huge mosque a block from Ground Zero. It's not just the families that are upset. The local retailers have already formed an association saying they don't want a Target in the neighborhood. (Argus Hamilton)


      According to the National Enquirer, Bristol Palin has called of her engagement with Levi Johnston after finding out that he also got his ex-girlfriend Lanesia Garcia pregnant. Forget the oil spill, can someone put a cap on this guy. (Jay Leno)

      Apparently they agreed to be abstinent until they were married, Levi just thought it meant with Bristol. (Jay Leno)

      How can we pull 130,000 men out of Iraq when we can't even get Levi to pull out of his own girlfriend? (Jay Leno)

      Bristol Palin has broken off her engagement with Levi Johnston. Again. Even Brett Favre is saying: make up your mind. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have apparently broken up again, less than a month after announcing their engagement. Bristol called it off faster than you can say, 'Mom, put the gun down. I think with the right amount of love, patience, and a 12-episode guarantee from a reality show on VH1, those two can end up engaged again one day. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Now it seems the Bristol Palin-Levi Johnston engagement is off for the second time because he may have gotten another girl pregnant. This isn’t a couple, this is a country music song on crack. (Alex Kaseberg)

      I knew changing his mind this much would cause problems. Today, Bret Favre announced that he has decided after all to marry Bristol Palin. (Tim Hunter)

      Bristol Palin broke up with Levi Johnston. You know the story, the kids were dating, and I mean really dating, and then it looked like they were going to get married. Then they didn't get married, and he went off to do other things, like pose naked. And then it looked like they were going to patch things up. Turns out now they're not getting back together. Boy, I didn't see that coming. (David Letterman)

      Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have apparently broken up again, less than a month after announcing their engagement. Bristol called it off faster than you can say, "Mom, put the gun down." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Bristol Palin has broken up again with fiancee Levi Johnston. She says he is “obsessed with the limelight and I got played.” Who does he think he is, Sarah Palin? (Jim Barach)

      I think with the right amount of love, patience, and a 12-episode guarantee from a reality show on VH1, those two can end up engaged again one day. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Us magazine is reporting that Levi Johnston wants to get a GED. Or whatever they call that thing women use to not get pregnant. (Jay Leno)

      I believe it's becoming pretty obvious that Bristol Palin's boyfriend, Levi Johnston, has been getting advice lately from Brett Favre. (Tim Hunter)

      Sarah Palin today said she has mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, she was never a big fan of Levi in the first place, but on the other hand, she had already shot the polar bear to make her daughter's wedding dress. (Jimmy Kimmel )

      After a brief reunion, Bristol Palin has called off her engagement to Levi Johnston. Levi was reportedly into getting married until he found out some other girl down the block had a PlayStation 3. (Jake Novak)

      Dozens of US billionaires have pledged to give half their fortunes to charity as part of a philanthropic campaign. High on the list of needy organizations are those caring for Levi Johnston’s baby mamas. (Jerry Perisho)


      Happy birthday to President Obama. Republicans tried to block his birthday but they didn't have enough votes, so it went through and the President was able to turn 49 today right on schedule. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama is 49 years old today. He blew out all of his candles and wished for his old job back. It's never a good sign when your age is higher than your political approval rating. (David Letterman)

      Happy Birthday to Barack Obama. Wonder what the over-under was on conservative commentators who both wished him a happy day and once again brought up the issue of his birth certificate? Open note to all doubters – if he had faked being born in the U. S., trust me, Hillary would have proved it. (Janice Hough)

      Happy birthday to President Obama. Republicans tried to block his birthday but they didn't have enough votes. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Happy birthday to President Obama. If you want to get him a present, he's registered at Bed, Bath, and Blame Bush. They got him a huge cake. He didn't blow out the candles, he just taxed them until they gave up on their own. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama had dinner with Oprah for his birthday. Oprah said it was nice to have dinner with the leader of the free world - and President Obama. (David Letterman)

      Yesterday was President Obama's birthday. He turned 49 years old, if you believe the liberal media. They ate at Bistronomics, which offers four-star dining at reasonable prices. Not to be confused with Bistronetics, which features the cuisine of L. Ron Hubbard. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The White House is planning a small belated birthday party for President Obama on Sunday, when Michelle and Sasha are back from Spain. It'll be a small intimate gathering. You know, just friends, family, the Salahis. (Jimmy Fallon)


      Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what's left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere. (Jay Leno)

      Charlie Rangel has reportedly struck a deal with the ethics panel. You know what that means. It's time to start investigating the ethics panel. (Jay Leno)


      Elena Kagan was confirmed by the Senate as a justice on the US Supreme Court. Not everyone is happy. The men on the court are going, “Great, another woman to complain about the toilet seat being left up.” (Jerry Perisho)


      Under the terms of a new bill signed by the California governor, Ronald Reagan's birthday is now an official state holiday. Mexico is reportedly about to adopt one of Reagan's most famous quotes as its official motto - "Tear down that wall!" (Bob Mills)

      In Portland, Oregon, a 7-year-old girl's lemonade stand was shut down by the police because she didn't get a $120 business license. On the bright side, by closing her business, she's now eligible for a $108,000 government bailout. (Jay Leno)

      A new survey found that New York ranks No. 7 in the nation for the dirtiest beaches. But sometimes that's not so bad. Last time I went swimming, I cut my foot on a rock, and within seconds a Band-Aid floated up to my face. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A survey says that people from New Jersey are sick and tired of being asked about the TV show "Jersey Shore." They would rather go back to the old Jersey question, "What's that horrible smell?" (Jay Leno)

      A man in Ohio was arrested for pushing his kids in a stroller while he was drunk. Police could tell the man was drunk because his kids are in their late 20s. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A woman in Houston just gave birth to a healthy set of quintuplets. The mom says she's excited about her babies, and can't wait to watch them grow up on whatever channel gives them a reality show. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A woman in South Carolina found a cheeseburger in her gas tank. Not only that, but the car's cholesterol was 400. (David Letterman)


      There has been much speculation that former half-term governor Sarah Palin would make a Presidential run in 2012, but she now tells us she is leery after finding out that you must serve a four year term. "If it was like 5 or 8 months I'd be like "Hells yeah!!", but 4 years? I've got stuff I gotta do, like write books and watch Russia! You can't even see Russia from the White House. Did you know that?" (Paul Benoit)

      Sarah Palin is criticizing the president's visit to "The View" as a cheap TV stunt. Then she went camping with Kate Gosselin. (David Letterman)

      Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich says that a California judge’s overturning of the state’s gay marriage ban was “outrageous”. He says a marriage is supposed to be between one man and one woman. Then a divorce and another woman, and then another divorce and another woman. (Jim Barach)

      Billionaire Republican and former eBay CEO Meg Whitman says she has spent more 99 million of her own money to get elected of governor of California. I think she thinks it's like eBay, the office goes to the highest bidder. (Jay Leno)

      Meg Whitman said today "In all likelihood I will vote no on Prop. 23," (the climate change law suspension proposition.) Actually given Whitman's past history, the first six words of her statement would have been newsworthy enough. (Janice Hough)


      President Obama announced his plan to remove all combat troops from Iraq by the end of August. So thank you to all the men and women serving in Iraq and 'Good luck in Afghanistan!" (Jimmy Fallon)


      The price of coffee has surged to a 12-year high. It's getting so expensive that BP is thinking about spilling some. (Jay Leno)


      BP says they've been able to seal the leak in the Gulf of Mexico. They were popping champagne to celebrate, but then they had trouble controlling the flow of the champagne and destroyed their entire office. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Austrian brewers have created a cheese-flavored beer. In Minnesota, Viking fans are busy trying to figure out a way to wear it on their heads that doesn't violate the beer helmet copyright. (Frank King)


      Instituting their new "ala carte" billing, Spirit Airlines is now charging passengers $45 to store luggage in the overhead bin. Use of the restrooms is still free although toilet tissue is 50 cents a square or $9.99 for the economical "family roll." (Bob Mills)

      Spirit Airlines has become the first airline to charge passengers $45 for carry-on bags. Not only that, there's a $20 fee if you want a seat cushion. And five bucks more if you want one that float. (Jay Leno)

      Spirit Airlines has begun charging for carry-ons. Security is a little looser on this plane. The only thing being hijacked is the passenger's wallet. (Alan Ray)

      Spirit Airlines is also considering charging passengers an $8 fee to talk to a human at the airport, instead of doing it online. A fee just to talk to someone. Who do these people think they are, a bank? (Jay Leno)


      A federal judge overturned the ban on gay marriage in California, which is great news for gays and wedding planners. Although that might be redundant. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Opponents of gay marriage will now appeal to the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco - good luck there. You’d have better luck with a show of hands at a Lady Gaga concert. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A judge in California overturned the state's gay marriage ban yesterday. Don't get too excited, though, he doesn't plan on telling his parents until Thanksgiving. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A federal judge struck down California's gay marriage ban. In West Hollywood, gay men were dancing in the streets with rainbow flags and playing techno music, and then they heard about the ruling and they went crazy. (Craig Ferguson)

      California's voter-passed ban on same-sex marriage was overturned by a federal judge Tuesday. It was introduced by Republicans two years ago. Republicans believe that marriage is a sacred union between a drilling rig and the Santa Barbara coastline. (Argus Hamilton)


      A woman was found guilty of extortion for demanding millions of dollars from Rick Pitino to keep their "close encounter" in a restaurant secret. Pitino said the sex lasted "15 seconds" and was "unfortunate." The University of Louisville for now is sticking by their coach, though Pitino may lose endorsement contracts. On the other hand, he stands to pick up a new offer from "In and Out Burger". (Janice Hough)

      Swissvale, Pa., authorities say they believe they now have the perpetrator who robbed a bank wearing what was initially described as clown pants, a blonde wig and fake breasts under a sweater. In a related story, Swissvale police have released John Daly with apologies. (RJ Currie)

      A New Jersey man got up to three months in jail for making himself throw up on a girl at a Phillies game. You'd think he'd have had enough of that watching the Nets. (RJ Currie)


      A new poll suggests 56 per cent of people in Canada regularly drop the f-bomb and other cusses compared to 46 per cent of Americans. The pollsters caution the results may actually indicate: 2. Canadians are more likely to be honest; 1. Canadians are more likely to be hockey players. (RJ Currie)

      The Canada mint released the new Albertosaurus coin marking the 25th anniversary of Drumheller's dinosaur museum. The 50-cent piece sells for $24.95. The New York Yankees offered $75.00. (RJ Currie)


      Raul Castro said that his government will ease controls on small businesses, will lay off unnecessary workers, and will allow more self-employment. Apparently, he sees how bad socialism is working in America, they don't want it to happen there. (Jay Leno)

      Wyclef Jean has announced that he will run for president of Haiti. He said he hopes the Haitian people will look past the fact that he has very little political experience and forgive him for that horrible remake of "We Are the World." (Jimmy Kimmel)


      A British ice cream company is now selling an adults-only ice cream made with Viagra. They say their goal is to create a popsicle that will never melt. (Jay Leno)

      A teacher in Britain quit her job to become a stripper. Well, in these tough economic times, sometimes you have to resort to making five times as much money. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A company in Britain is releasing a new cell phone with a ringtone as loud as a vuvuzela. They say it's the perfect way to tell the people around you, "Punch me in the face." (Jimmy Fallon)


      A Dutch court ruled 14-year-old Laura Dekker was mature enough to try to become the youngest person to sail solo around the world. Dekker apparently claims she has since stocked her boat with all the essentials: a bunch of cell phones, lots of totally loaded iPods and, like, a ton of Justin Bieber T-shirts. (RJ Currie)


      Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is even taking shots at Paul the soccer-predicting octopus, saying Germany's biggest World Cup star is merely a symbol of decadence and decay in the Western world. In a related story, aul is currently in hiding at the home of Salman Rushdie. (Bill Littlejohn)

      Do you know that $8.7 billion of our money has gone missing in Iraq? I didn't even know they had a Goldman Sachs over there. (Jay Leno)


      Experts in the Gulf of Mexico say they are having trouble finding the oil and they think it's under water. They don't call them experts for nothing. (David Letterman)


      The American Heart Association has eliminated breathing into the victim's mouth when administering CPR. They also advise that, in cases where a defibrillator isn't available, doctors may shock patients just as effectively by playing a recording of Mel Gibson. (Bob Mills)

      A 15-year-old New Zealand boy has miraculously survived a 16-story fall from a balcony onto a concrete floor. Medical staff at Aukland hospital say he is in stable condition, but extremely depressed. (RJ Currie)

      A new survey says that alcohol consumption in the U. S. is up to the highest level it's been in 15 years. I'll drink to that! (Tim Hunter)


      Proponents of evolution suffered a severe blow in Australia on Monday when a drunken man stripped naked and ran down the track during a horse race called... the Darwin Cup. (Dwight Perry)

      Repair crews in Boston will soon be busy addressing the Green Monster. And once Shaq gets fixed up, attention will be given to Fenway's left field wall. (Bill Littlejohn)

      The Toronto Blue Jays have matched an American League record by hitting six two-baggers in one inning, or as it's known at the Elias Sports Bureau, a double triple-double. (Dwight Perry)

      USC plucked Vols football coach Lane Kiffin and the NFL Titans' running-backs coach There haven't been this many Tennessee stars headed west since 'Hee-Haw' shot on location in Bakersfield. (Argus Hamilton)

      Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco riled up Pittsburgh players on his VH1 reality dating show when he said, "Man, I haven't seen this many girls on a football field since the last time we played the Steelers." That ought to get Troy Polamalu's hair in a bun. (Dwight Perry)

      The Arizona Diamondbacks game at CitiField in New York stopped when two men ran onto the field waving a Mexican flag. Cops did nothing. It's considered racial profiling in New York to arrest anyone carrying a Mexican flag unless he looks Muslim. (Argus Hamilton)

      The X Games were held over the weekend in LA. Despite being from different non-traditional sports, all participants share the same dream. To one day move out of their parent's house. (Alan Ray)

      Managers in this year's Little League World Series will be able to challenge certain calls using an instant-replay system. "The only downside: If they lose the challenge, they must forfeit three postgame juice boxes. (Reggie Hayes)

      The Little League World Series will use expanded instant replay this month. It's about the integrity of the game. By examining calls more closely, officials hope to shut parents up. (Alan Ray)


      Brett Favre has announced he's not coming back. In a related story, Mel Gibson isn't, either. (Tim Hunter)

      Brett Favre is retiring from football. His age began to show late last season at the line. He barked signals twice, not for each side of the offense. It was a senior moment. (Alan Ray)

      Alex Rodriguez hit his 600th home run today. "That's really awesome" said absolutely no one outside New York. (Janice Hough)

      Alex Rodriguez enters the 600 home run club. Of course, he gives all the credit to a much higher power. Primobolan. (Alan Ray)

      Alex Rodriguez hit homerun No. 600. Meanwhile, Larry King is stuck on 11 marriages. (David Letterman)

      LeBron James took out a full page ad thanking the fans in Akron for their support over the years, but he doesn't mention Cleveland at all. Another proud graduate of the BP School of Public Relations (Janice Hough)

      Chris Coghlan of the Florida Marlins tore a ligament in his left knee trying to give teammate Wes Helms a shaving-cream pie to the face. This prompted Marlins' management to say enough is enough and ban the celebration. The decision is considered historic since no one can recall when, if ever, a pie has taken the cake. (RJ Currie)

      Quarterback Jeremiah Masoli was expelled from his first high school, and kicked off the University of Oregon team for repeated run-ins with the law, most recently driving on a suspended license and possessing marijuana. He just transferred to Mississippi, which was rated #5 on the top ten list of party schools. What could possibly go wrong? (Janice Hough)

      Cardinals infielder David Freese, already out with a right-foot injury, broke the big toe of his left foot when a weight fell on it while he was lifting. That's called waiting for the other shoe to get dropped on. (Dwight Perry)

      All 24,000 boxes of Roughrider receiver Andy Fantuz's cereal sold out in Saskatchewan in seven hours. Fantuz Flakes might have sold even faster, but there was confusion over claims it increases your odds of catching something. (RJ Currie)


      "Middle Men" opens in theaters. It's the story of 3 guys who used the internet in the 1990's to distribute porn. They coined the phrase "Oh nothing honey, I'm just checking my email." (Alan Ray)

      Inception" is tops again at the box office. Its success has spawned sequel rumors. Leonardo DiCaprio will next go into the deep sleep of the audience attending "Grown Ups". (Alan Ray)

      MTV's VMA award nominations are out. There are favorites in several categories. Amy Winehouse for best performance by a single malt. (Alan Ray)

      Big changes for "American Idol." The winner of the competition will now be chosen by Paul the Psychic Octopus.. (David Letterman)


      Ellen DeGeneres is leaving "American Idol." She said it was too hard judging people and hurting their feelings. Then Mel Gibson said, "I'll do it!" (Jimmy Fallon)

      Lindsay Lohan is out of prison. Is two weeks really enough to pretend that you've learned your lesson? (David Letterman)

      Lindsay Lohan was released from the LA County Jail after serving only 14 days of her 90-day sentence. She was issued the standard items given to all released prisoners -- a twenty-dollar bill, a clean dress, and an offer of a judgeship on "American Idol." (Bob Mills)

      Lindsay Lohan was released from jail yesterday after serving 14 days. She was released in the wee hours of the morning. You know, that time in the middle of the night when you have to get up and go wee. (Tim Hunter)

      Lindsay Lohan was released from jail and immediately checked into rehab. It happened so fast, they barely had time to hang up the "Welcome Back" banner out front. (Jimmy Fallon)

      While Ellen Degeneres insists her decision to exit "American Idol" after only one season was voluntary, reliable sources at the network report that several GOP senators objected to her lack of prior judicial experience and threatened a filibuster unless she stepped aside. (Bob Mills)

      Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler may become judges on "American Idol." With Jennifer Lopez, Steven Tyler, and Randy Jackson, why even bother having contestants? Put those three in a house and you've got a show right there. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Leonardo DiCaprio has reportedly changed his mind and dropped out of Mel Gibson's new movie Vikings. Brett Favre has called him a diva. (RJ Currie)

      Charlie Sheen has pled guilty to misdemeanor domestic assault. What's the official legal term for his sentencing hearing? Déjà vu. (Alan Ray)

      Singer Wyclef Jean has filed the paperwork to run for president of his native Haiti. Well, he has more political experience than Meg Whitman. (Janice Hough)

      Mitch Miller died today at the age of 99. His last wish was to be buried in a round, rubber coffin, so mourners could "follow the bouncing ball." (Janice Hough)

      It was announced that Rosie O'Donnell will do a talk show on the Oprah Channel. I foresee personality conflicts. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      Newsweek Magazine has been sold to audio magnate Sidney Harman for $1. How bad have things gotten when a major news publication is competing with the Value Menu at McDonald's? (Jim Barach)

      There are amazing US military secrets published on WikiLeaks. For example, did you know Osama bin Laden was going to declare a truce against the US until he saw "Jersey Shore"? (Alex Kaseberg)


      Chelsea Clinton enjoyed a lavish wedding in suburban New York Saturday. The family spent two hundred thousand dollars on security guards and it turned out to be a smart idea. Not once did the father of the bride get near the bridesmaids. (Argus Hamilton)

      According to tradition, Chelsea Clinton recited her marriage vows wearing something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue -- a video cassette of several of Mel Gibson's telephone tantrums. (Bob Mills)

      Hall of Famer Nolan Ryan's group secured baseball's Texas Rangers in bankruptcy court, edging out the Dallas Mavericks' owner. In other words: Close, but no Cuban cigar. (Dwight Perry)

      Rudy Giuliani's daughter was arrested for shoplifting in New York. It will be interesting to see how Rudy ties this to 9/11. (Janice Hough)

      Did you hear about the big Chelsea Clinton wedding? Chelsea Clinton got married in Rhinebeck, New York. It will be a big year for the community of Rhinebeck. First of all they had the Clinton wedding. They're also hosting the Al Gore divorce. (David Letterman)

      Forty of the world's richest men have agreed to give away half of their wealth. Newspapers are calling it an unprecedented gesture of goodwill. But it's not unprecedented, because I've given away half of my stuff twice. It's called divorce. ((Craig Ferguson))

      Us magazine is reporting that Levi Johnston wants to get a GED. Or whatever they call that thing women use to not get pregnant. (Jay Leno)

      The long-anticipated divorce trial of L. A. Dodgers owners Frank and Jamie McCourt gets underway soon. Frank is expected to challenge the couples' pre-nup, under the terms of which she gets the houses, the cars, and the bank accounts and he gets a lifetime supply of Dodger Dogs and weekends with Tommy LaSorda. (Bob Mills)

      Detroit Lions president Tom Lewand was arrested for drunk driving. Friends say his alcohol problem is the result of difficulties in his personal life. He is the president of the Detroit Lions. (Alan Ray)

      Oliver Stone apologized Sunday for saying that Jews dominate the media. He was promoting his next movie which he says gives Hitler and Stalin a fairer treatment. As long as Oliver Stone has a megaphone and a lawn chair Mel Gibson will always work. (Argus Hamilton)

      A woman was found guilty of extortion for demanding millions of dollars from Rick Pitino to keep their "close encounter" in a restaurant secret. Pitino said the sex lasted "15 seconds" and was "unfortunate." The University of Louisville for now is sticking by their coach, though Pitino may lose endorsement contracts. On the other hand, he stands to pick up a new offer from "In and Out Burger". (Janice Hough)

      Snooki from "Jersey Shore" was arrested for disorderly conduct in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. That's like arresting the sun for rising. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Fox has approached The Situation from "Jersey Shore" about starring in an upcoming episode of the drama, "Bones." When they asked him to come in for the audition he was like, "Who the hell is The Audition?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Salahis, White House party crashers, have their own show now. On their show, they have a party and President Obama crashes it. (David Letterman)

      Morrie R. Yohai, the inventor of Cheez Doodles snack, has died at the age of 90. In his honor, all the pallbearers will dye their fingers orange. (Janice Hough)

      Morrie Yohai, the man who created the Cheez Doodle, has died at the age of 90. His remains were placed in an urn, and sealed with a chip clip. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The man who invented the cheese doodle has died. To celebrate his life, everyone at the funeral left an orange fingerprint on his coffin. It just goes to show, there's only so long that you can Cheeto death. (Craig Ferguson)

      Dan Resin, the actor who portrayed the Ty-D-Bowl Man in TV ads has died at age 79. In lieu of flowers, his family is asking friends and admirers to just spray a little air freshener. (Jake Novak)


      The Muslim Cordoba Initiative has indicated that they will agree not to build an Islamic Community Center two blocks away from "ground zero" in NYC if the Catholic Church will agree to shut down all of its churches and rectories situated within 800 feet of any and all elementary schools. (PNN News)


      A survey says that nine in ten teenagers say they have driven while distracted by texting. Remember the old days when people were only distracted by the radio, 8 tracks and having eight other kids in the car? (Jim Barach)

      An exhibit at the Regina Plains Museum offers a history of the toilet. Visitors can start at a 4,000-year-old Greek outhouse, see the first flush toilet circa 1596, and finish with the current location of Tiger Woods' golf game. (RJ Currie)

      King Tut's chariot is in town. Right now, it's circling the block looking for a spot. (David Letterman)

      After extensive research, behavioral scientists concluded that men wearing red are more attractive to women as prospective mates. The study began after one of them noticed that every time Larry King wore red suspenders on his show, he immediately acquired another wife. (Bob Mills)


      Okay, the betting question of the night. Which will last longer? Lindsay Lohan's sobriety? Or Brett Favre's retirement? (Janice Hough)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
    Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.