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Weakly Humerus News 07-31-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-30-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK The war in Afghanistan has more nasty leaks than a urologist’s waiting room.
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 31, 2010
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-30-10
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      The war in Afghanistan has more nasty leaks than a urologist’s waiting room. (Jerry Perisho)

      The White House is very upset about a bunch of secret documents about the Afghanistan war that were leaked online. Out of habit, BP apologized. (David Letterman)

      Ex-Texas Longhorn and Browns rookie quarterback Colt McCoy exchanged wedding vows with long-time girlfriend Rachel Glandorf. It hard to say who was less likely to be invited: the Hatfields or the Tebows. (RJ Currie)

      Budget problems are so bad in Newark, New Jersey, that the mayor has ordered the government to stop buying toilet paper for public restrooms. This has left citizens with no where to go. (Tim Hunter)

      Tony Hayward is stepping down as CEO of BP. They weren't supposed to make the announcement yet, but of course, the news leaked. (Craig Ferguson)

      Former top-10 Czechoslovakian tennis players Nicole Vaidisova and Radek Stepanek got married recently in Prague. I'm not the first to compare tennis or love to a chess match, but I'd say they're czechmated. (RJ Currie)

      Bad month for the latest former USC star named O. J. First the school strips him from the basketball record books, now today he was cut from Team USA. Guess O. J. just couldn't convince coaches to hold the Mayo. (Janice Hough)

      Rookie QB Tim Tebow has signed on to pitch the same brand of underwear that made Jim Palmer famous. Hey, what could be more fitting than a Jockey on a Bronco? (Dwight Perry)

      Ground has been broken on a wind energy project in the Mojave Desert of California. Which is much better than if they were breaking wind on a ground energy project. (Jim Barach)

      Because of Arizona's new law, a lot of immigrants have fled the state and returned to their homeland, Los Angeles. (Jay Leno)

      BP & THE OIL SPILL

      BP announced that as a result of their own internal investigation, it has cleared itself of all blame in the Gulf oil spill. In a related story, Congressman Charlie Rangel has announced that he will be investigating himself and will find himself completely innocent. (Jay Leno)

      BP says that after their own internal investigation, they've cleared themselves of all blame in the Gulf oil spill. That seems like Mel Gibson blaming the phone for making it sound like he's yelling. (Tim Hunter)

      British Petroleum reported second quarter profits of $4 Billion. It's nice to see a company can create an epic disaster, lie about it and try to cover it up, reward their incompetent CEO and still come away with a good day's profit when all is said and done. (Jim Barach)

      Whiny Tony Hayward, you know the cry-baby BP CEO guy, he says life's not fair and that sometimes you step off a curb and you get hit by a bus. You know, if life was fair, that bus would have been driven by an unemployed Louisiana shrimp boat operator. (Jay Leno)

      BP CEO Tony Hayward complained that he was unfairly "demonized" in the U. S. over his handling of the Gulf oil spill. In response, demons complained that they were unfairly compared to BP CEO Tony Hayward. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Outgoing BP CEO Tony Hayward says, after the spill, he was demonized and vilified; so apparently Hayward has the Rev. Jesse Jackson writing his speeches. (Alex Kaseberg)

      BP's little weasel CEO, Tony Hayward, stepped down. The good news for Hayward? He gets a $23 million bonus. The bad news? They are paying him in crude oil redeemable on the beaches of the Gulf of Mexico. (Alex Kaseberg)

      BP is firing its CEO, Tony Hayward. They're negotiating a settlement for $18 million. Boy, that'll teach him. (David Letterman)

      An American named Bob Dudley is BP's new CEO. Nice to see an American taking a job from a foreigner for once. (Jay Leno)

      BP CEO Tony Hayward is being sent to a project in Siberia. He wants to go to a part of the planet that hasn't been ruined yet. (David Letterman)

      The news from London, BP is firing their CEO Tony Heyward and sending him to work on a joint venture in Russia. And President Medvedev responded "Wait a minute, what about our mutual non-aggression policy?" (Janice Hough)

      AFGHANISTAN WAR LEAKS

      The Pentagon says a full criminal probe will be done to find the person who leaked the documents about the War in Afghanistan to Wikileaks. After they catch the perpetrator, they might start checking around for Osama Bin Laden again. (Jim Barach)

      WikiLeaks has posted over 90,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan. The Pentagon is outraged, the White House is furious, but British Petroleum is relieved: "Finally, a leak we had nothing to do with." (Jay Leno)

      Leaked documents show that Pakistan has been taking American money and using it to fund the Taliban. The Pakistanis are denying it, and they're like, "The Taliban bought those iPods with their own money." (Craig Ferguson)

      WikiLeaks has 91,000 secret documents, but who has the time to read that? I can barely get through the instructions on a shampoo bottle. (Craig Ferguson)

      The founder of WikiLeaks just released 91,000 classified documents about the war in Afghanistan, and he said he plans to post thousands more. I just wish he'd hurry, because I breezed through those first 91,000. It's like waiting for the next Harry Potter. (Jimmy Fallon)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama's new message to the American people is "things could be a lot worse." We've gone from "change you can believe in" to "things could be a lot worse." The sequel is never as good as the original. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama will celebrate his birthday next week in Chicago. He'll charge thirty thousand dollars a person. The Democrats have asked Obama's Chicago friends to please remove the cash from the freezer three days before handing it to the doorman. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Shirley Sherrod was fired from her job at the Agriculture Department, then they said they made a mistake and offered to hire her back. Today, Gen. McChrystal asked if he could have his job back. (Jay Leno)

      THE CONGRESS

      Congress' approval rating has hit an all-time low of 11 percent. To give you an idea of how bad that is, the BP oil spill is at 12 percent. (Jay Leno)

      Congress is close to legalizing online gambling. The Senators are hoping to keep teenage boys indoors 24 hours a day so they can date all the high school girls themselves. (Jake Novak)

      Congressman Charlie Rangel was cited by the House Ethics Committee Thursday for numerous charges. Investigators stalked him for two years. No one wants to say he's a dead duck but last week he covered himself in oil and stretched out on a gulf beach. (Argus Hamilton)

      Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel was charged with multiple ethics violations. Members of Congress were stunned. They had no idea there was more than one ethic. (Jay Leno)

      Nevada GOP Senator John Ensign was investigated Friday for bribing a mistress's husband with a lobbying job. His roommate Senator Tom Coburn is cooperating with FBI agents. He is also in big trouble with Republican conservatives for living with a man. (Argus Hamilton)

      Florida Representative Alan Grayson has charged taxpayers $73,000 for a DVD he sent out with highlights from the last congressional term. He needed a DVD for that? A two sentence e-mail would have done the same thing and saved all that money. (Jim Barach)

      THE COURTS

      A federal judge has blocked Arizona's immigration law. Immigrants have been celebrating and throwing confetti. The governor of Arizona said, "Sure, now they're showing us their papers." (Craig Ferguson)

      A federal judge has outraged millions of Americans by striking down most of Arizona's tough new illegal immigration law. But the ruling is delighting millions of American men who now have another excuse to watch the Spanish language news shows with the hot anchors in low-cut tops. (Jake Novak)

      The Utah Supreme Court tossed out the 2007 conviction of polygamist leader Warren Jeffs. The Utah prison system is thrilled; they were going bankrupt paying overtime just handling Jeffs' conjugal visits. (Jerry Perisho)

      THE STATES & LOCAL NEWS


      The Massachusetts Legislature has approved a plan that would bypass the electoral college in presidential elections. The idea is nothing new. It was started by Florida back in 2000. (Jim Barach)

      There's a restaurant in New York City where you get a hot dog for $69. To be fair, the mustard and the relish are free. (David Letterman)

      A Houston couple getting married last weekend got more than they bargained for when a corpse flower bloomed next door to their ceremony. And the bride was none too happy when the groom insisted their marriage vows be re-written to, "Till the stench of death do us part..." (Frank King)

      The New York City fire department had to rescue a 600-pound man who fell and couldn't get up. They called an ambulance to help save the man, and then another ambulance to help save the first ambulance. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Budget problems are so bad in Newark, New Jersey, that the mayor has ordered the government to stop buying toilet paper for public restrooms. They're calling this the worst thing to happen to the state since 'Jersey Shore.' (Jay Leno)

      New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said this week that 'Jersey Shore' is giving New Jersey a bad name. As opposed to the good, clean, inspirational shows about New Jersey, like 'The Sopranos'. (Jay Leno)

      Calif. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered three days off without pay (per month) for tens of thousands state employees. Do you know what it will be like having a bunch of state workers standing around and doing nothing? Normal. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Mayor of Bell, California has apologized for the high salaries given city officials and says he will finish his term without pay. He says he only hopes his chauffeur, chef and butler understand things may be a little tight from here on out. (Jim Barach)

      Oakland's City Council voted to allow industrial size marijuana farms of one hundred thousand square feet. That's half the size of a football field. If you think the Red Sox and Yankees play slowly wait'll you see the length of a Raiders game this fall. (Argus Hamilton)

      Oakland, California will become the first U.S. city to license large scale marijuana farms to grow medicinal pot. The announcement was made in Sacramento by the state’s newly-appointed Secretary of Agriculture, Willie Nelson. (Bob Mills)

      Elmhurst, Illinois is going to outlaw eye-rolling. So what happens if John McCain shows up and says he still thinks he made the right choice with Sarah Palin? (David Letterman)

      A Missouri fisherman, with the help of his girlfriend, reeled in a world-record catfish weighing 130 LBs. Sources close to the couple say she is happy for his catch but a little tired of his carping. (RJ Currie)

      U.S. POLITICS &. POLITICIANS

      Vice President Joe Biden has declared that the heavy lifting is over for the year, and it's time to begin campaigning and talking about the White House's accomplishments. The heavy lifting might be over, but it sounds like the heavy shoveling is just beginning. (Jay Leno)

      George W. Bush's personal approval ratings shot up ten points in the last month in the latest Gallup poll out Monday. It's nostalgia. Who would have thought two years ago that four dollar gasoline and an unnecessary war would be the good old days. (Argus Hamilton)

      President Bush's memoir is set to come out just in time for the midterm elections and it has some Republicans upset because it may remind voters of President Bush. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Bill Clinton today, in talking about Chelsea's wedding and her potential dress, said he doesn't remember what Hillary wore during their wedding. Makes sense, he hasn't remembered his vows either. (Janice Hough)

      Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice performed a duet with Aretha Franklin at a charity event. Not to be outdone, President Bush played tambourine on three songs with The Wiggles. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Portland Police decided not to file charges against Al Gore in the alleged 2006 sexual assault case. They cited deficiencies in the masseuse's story, lack of forensic evidence, and the near impossibility of getting a 12 person jury to imagine Gore as a "crazed sex poodle." (Janice Hough)

      Evidence has emerged that Al Gore requested more inappropriate massages than previously reported. In fact, one massage parlor in Lower Manhattan advertises the “Global Warming Special -- guaranteed to melt your polar icecap." (Bob Mills)

      Jeb Bush was reported Monday considering a run for president in two years. The news brought widespread relief. This is the moment in The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy wakes up after her dream and realizes that there is no place like hereditary monarchy. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE MILITARY

      It turns out that our biggest ally in the region is Russia. With all due respect to Russia, it's not the best place to get advice on how to win in Afghanistan. (Craig Ferguson)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Apple now says it won't sue iPhone users who get service from companies other than AT&T, which would be a big story if any iPhone users were actually getting any service from AT&T. (Jake Novak)

      Amazon is introducing it's new Kindle that includes a new battery, wifi, and a map of the nearest place where the owner can eventually buy an iPad. (Jake Novak)

      Paper Mate is now selling biodegradable pens for kids. This is the best news for elementary school students since Elmer's began making chocolate-flavored paste. (Jake Novak)

      A company in India has developed the $20 touch-screen computer. Yes, it's iPad like... but just $20. I believe it's called an Etch-a-Sketch. (Tim Hunter)

      A court has prevented an employee of Thomas' English Muffins from taking a job with Hostess because of Thomas' claim of company secrets. So thousands of secret documents about the War in Afghanistan were leaked to the public with no problem, but the justice system shut down any attempt to find out how to make English Muffins. (Jim Barach)

      A study says that 90% of brides-to-be plan at least some of their wedding at work. The other 10% are married to their job. (Jim Barach)

      TRANSPORTATION

      The six top airlines made a combined $1.3 Billion in profits in the second quarter. The profit sheet was made available to all media outlets for a $6 fee. (Jim Barach)

      Despite his mother's having paid an "Unaccompanied Minor" fee, a 9 year old boy travelling from SF was forgotten in a children's waiting room at O'Hare for almost 8 hours when no one came to pick him up for his Chicago Ottawa flight. Is this what United calls a "minor" problem? No word on the rumor that United's Airline's alleged first response was "You paid an unaccompanied minor fee…we left him unaccompanied." (Janice Hough)

      Toyota is recalling more than 400,000 cars in the U. S. because of steering problems. Toyota's crisis management spokesman issued a statement saying, "Good to be back." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Continental announced a new feature called "self boarding." There's no ticket agent taking your boarding pass anymore, and you scan it yourself as you board the plane. It's part of Continental's "Terrorists Fly Hassel-free" program. (Jay Leno)

      Chevy is selling its new electric car for $41,000. That's $1,000 for the car and $40,000 for the UAW campaign finance fund. (Jake Novak)

      Ford has moved ahead of Toyota in sales and they say they're not stopping until they see even better results. Not stopping? That's what screwed up Toyota. (Jay Leno)

      A woman from Washington is suing American Airlines for 5 million dollars after they lost her luggage. When the airline said that's a ridiculous amount of money for luggage, she was like, "Now you know how we feel." (Jimmy Fallon)

      IMMIGRATION & CIVIL RIGHTS

      With Arizona's new immigration law getting ready to kick in, there's a new slogan: "What happens in Arizona stays in Mexico." (Jay Leno)

      Arizona's illegal aliens packed up Monday and prepared to flee the state ahead of Sunday's crackdown law. It caused an uproar in Washington. New Mexico congressmen want the census started over again so they'll get credit for all the new constituents. (Argus Hamilton)

      Arizona's immigration law went into effect today. If you want to boycott Arizona, instead of going to see the Grand Canyon, come to New York City to see our potholes. (David Letterman)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      Scary thought, Lindsay Lohan has now done more jail time than any Goldman Sachs executive. (Janice Hough)

      Two Wisconsin men were arrested for trying to dig up a woman's corpse with the intention of having sex with it. Apparently they misunderstood her when she was alive and she told them they would have sex with her over her dead body. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Swissvale, Pa., authorities say they believe they now have the perpetrator who robbed a bank wearing what was initially described as clown pants, a blonde wig and fake breasts under a sweater. In a related story, Swissvale police have released John Daly with apologies. (RJ Currie)

      Federal agents in Fresno say they have arrested 100 people in an operation which netted over $1.7 billion worth of pot in Central California. In related news, sales of Doritos in the Fresno area have fallen 50 percent. . (Janice Hough)

      An Air France flight attendant has reportedly been arrested on suspicion of robbing passengers from 2009 to 2010 after they fell asleep in their seats. She is not to be confused with attendants at the Air Canada Centre where Leafs fans have always been robbed before falling asleep in their seats. (RJ Currie)

      Yet another postponement pushed the Barry Bonds perjury trial back to 2011. By the time they finally bring this case to court, the only performance-enhancing drug Bonds will be using is Metamucil. (Janice Hough)

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN

      Larissa Riquelme, the lingerie model who vowed to run naked through the capital if Paraguay won the World Cup, reportedly said recently she'd do it anyway as a present to her team. This may or may not explain why Argentina fired Diego Maradona. (RJ Currie)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the western world. Which is exactly what Paul the Octopus predicted he would say. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is lashing out at Paul the Octopus, who predicted winners in the World Cup. Ahmadinejad said the octopus represents what's wrong with the West. I guess he's never seen "Jersey Shore." (Jimmy Kimmel).

      AYSTRALIA & ISLAND NATIONS

      A 15-year-old New Zealand boy has miraculously survived a 16-story fall from a balcony onto a concrete floor. Medical staff at Aukland hospital say he is in stable condition, but extremely depressed. (RJ Currie)

      SCIENCE

      Astronomers have discovered an asteroid they say may collide with Earth in 2182. Peering into the future, all the way to 2182, experts predict California will not have an approved budget, Betty White will be making another comeback, and the Cubs will be in next-to-last place for the 280th year in a row. (Jerry Perisho)

      Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earth in 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms of life. A spokesman for BP said, "Been there, done that." (Craig Ferguson)

      A team of scientists last week reported finding a star in a nearby galaxy 320 times larger than our sun and said it is the biggest star in the universe. Upon hearing this, protests were immediately filed by: 3. Chad Ochocinco; 2. LeBron James; 1. Jerry Jones. (RJ Currie)

      HEALTH

      A study says that hands only CPR is enough to save a person's life. Now if they could only figure out a way to do it with one hand so people could still text while giving CPR. (Jim Barach)

      The American Academy of Pediatricians says that kids shouldn't miss school when they have head lice. Apparently they feel that with guns, bullies and drugs permeating the schools, a few bugs are the least of their worries. (Jim Barach)

      A survey says the average time spent in the Emergency Room by patients is now 4 hours and 7 minutes. It only takes an average of 7 minutes for treatment. The 4 hours is to verify the patient has insurance. (Jim Barach)

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      The Weather Channel reported a brutal heat wave on the Eastern Seaboard Friday making life miserable in the cities. Meteorologists say it's the hottest summer in history. It was so hot in Washington D. C. that Charlie Rangel was sticking to his story. (Argus Hamilton)

      It was hot in New York City. In Manhattan people were sweating like Mel Gibson at a Snoop Dog concert. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The heat index here in New York City was actually 102 degrees on Saturday. And if you convert that to Celsius . .. Well, then you're just being kind of annoying. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The heat in Washington D. C. was so bad today, that the Supreme Court had to wear their emergency sleeveless robes. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Oceanographers and seismologists using cutting-edge laser cameras will attempt to photograph the entire coast of California. Rumors are that they were hired by several pharmaceutical companies hoping to recycle the medical waste they’ve dumped there over the years. (Bob Mills)

      SPORTS

      The San Diego Chargers were denied a new stadium Friday prompting the team to vow to move to Los Angeles. They'll blend right in. If the players remove the padding from their helmets for a few games they'll sound like they've lived in L. A. all their lives. (Argus Hamilton)

      The New York Islanders have signed on with Cupcake Gourmet to produce the "official cupcake" at home games this season, not to be confused with the official cupcake of most other NHL teams, the Edmonton Oilers. (Dwight Perry)

      I'm not sure what was more surprising when Tampa Bay beat Detroit 5-0 last Monday: the Rays' Matt Garza tossing a no-hitter, or the Tigers' Jim Leyland tossing a one-spitter. (RJ Currie)

      The SF Giants won on a 10th inning walkoff hit, have won 17 of their last 21 games, and Buster Posey is on a 21 game hitting streak (one short of the team rookie record set by Willie McCovey.) Meanwhile, the lead story at ESPN, A-Rod remains stuck on 599 home runs. (Janice Hough)

      ATHLETES

      Alex Rodriguez is still stuck on 599 home runs, and Generalissmo Francisco Franco is still dead. (Janice Hough)

      Alex Rodriguez, an admitted steroids user, is closing in on this 600th home run. And in Paris, the Tour de France crowned another champion amidst clouds of suspicion that darken every year. It's enough to make sports fans for the purity and honesty of pro-wrestling. (Janice Hough)

      Brett Favre's annual offseason soap operas are becoming a bit too predictable. The swallows now listen for the sound of Favre's retirement speech so they'll know when to return to Capistrano. (Argus Hamilton)

      Brett Favre told ESPN Thursday he might have to retire from the NFL because of nagging injuries and surgery. The fans play along. Every summer the only thing that keeps the economy alive in the Midwest is fans buying going-away gifts for Brett Favre. (Argus Hamilton)

      Top-ranked Serena Williams hopes to be ready for the U. S. Open after severely cutting her foot when she stepped on broken glass in a restaurant, Serena has since received about 100,000 letters, many from well-wishing fans, and the other 95,000 from personal-injury attorneys. (Greg Cote)

      Terrell Owens has signed with the Cincinnati Bengals. Coaches plan to use him for long yardage situations. If they send him deep, they don’t have to hear him complain. (Alan Ray)

      Bengals coaches figure to use Terrell Owens in long-yardage situations. If they send him deep, they don't have to hear him complain. (Alan Ray)

      With Tim Tebow's new deal with Jockey as an underwear model, maybe we'll finally get an answer to that age old question... WWJW? As in "What would Jesus wear?" Boxers or briefs? (Janice Hough)

      Just how ugly were golfer John Daly's pants at the British Open? So ugly, the Norwegian Olympic curling team was disgusted. (Frenchie McFarlane)

      Chris Coghlan of the Florida Marlins tore a ligament in his left knee trying to give teammate Wes Helms a shaving-cream pie to the face. This prompted Marlins' management to say enough is enough and ban the celebration. The decision is considered historic since no one can recall when, if ever, a pie has taken the cake. (RJ Currie)

      Florida's Chris Coughlan is on the disabled list after injuring himself while throwing a pie in the face of teammate Wes Helms during a celebration. Looks like the Marlins have gone from fire sales to Soupy Sales. (Bill Littlejohn)

      Dallas receiver Roy Williams had to carry his own shoulder pads back to the locker room after Dez Bryant, ignoring NFL rookie tradition, refused to carry them for him on the opening day of training camp. Veteran Cowboy-watchers were stunned that Williams only dropped them twice. (Dwight Perry)

      Dallas Cowboys tight end Martellus Bennett has apologized for nude photos of him surfacing online. The League isn’t finished investigating. Officials may call time out for a measurement. (Alan Ray)

      San Francisco Giants relief pitcher Brian Wilson was fined by Major League Baseball for wearing orange cleats in a game. Rules clearly state that orange is reserved for jumpsuits after players are convicted and sent to prison. (Jerry Perisho)

      When Toronto Argonauts' quarterback Chad Lemon goes back to pass, is that a Lemon drop? (RJ Currie)

      Being named Lodewikus Theodorus Oosthuizen does have its built-in advantages. He is not only one of South Africa's best golfers, but is also the nation's spelling-bee champion. (Jim Barach)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      Tonight is the premiere of the new season of "Jersey Shore." So apparently, the containment cap did not work. (David Letterman)

      A group of Italian-American activists said that "Jersey Shore" perpetuates negative stereotypes about Italian-Americans. The group is called "The Association of People Who Never Watch 'The Sopranos'." (Craig Ferguson)

      There's a guy on "Jersey Shore" who calls himself "The Situation" because his abs are so impressive that they qualify as a situation. I call my abs "The Capitulation," because I just gave up. (Craig Ferguson)

      Some Italian-American groups were upset with "Jersey Shore" because they felt it depicted their people in a negative light. To me it just depicts people in a negative light. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Top weekend box-office went to “Inception,” in which Leonardo DiCaprio plays a white collar thief who can enter corporate executives’ dreams while they sleep. Bloomingdales is now selling mens’ silk pajamas with a built-in burglar alarm. (Bob Mills)

      Top weekend box-office went to “Inception,” in which Leonardo DiCaprio plays a white collar thief who can enter corporate executives’ dreams while they sleep. Bloomingdales is now selling mens’ silk pajamas with a built-in burglar alarm. (Bob Mills)

      They're going to make a movie version of the board game "Battleship." Just yesterday, I auditioned to play one of the white pegs. (Jimmy Fallon)

      ENTERTAINERS

      Leonardo DiCaprio has pulled out of Mel Gibson's new film about Vikings. Leonardo said he doesn't mind playing a vicious killer who rapes and pillages, but he doesn't want people to think he hangs out with Mel Gibson. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Leonardo DiCaprio officially dropped out of Mel Gibson's new Viking movie. Mel doesn't know yet because everyone is afraid to phone him. (Craig Ferguson)

      A new study found that 1 in 5 Californians believe they could use professional help for mental problems. All of them say that if resources are limited, Mel Gibson can go ahead of them. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Tori Spelling said Friday she was visited by Farrah Fawcett's ghost at a seance conducted by a medium recently. The claim isn't unusual. Twenty-eight percent of Americans believe they can communicate with the dead, the rest switched back to AT&T. (Argus Hamilton)

      Lindsay Lohan gets out of prison this week. Lock your doors, America. Los Angeles has already hired 300 additional bartenders. (David Letterman)

      An audio tape with a racist rant from Mel Gibson to his ex-girlfriend was leaked to the Internet; in the tape, Gibson behaves so badly he was named an honorary FIFA World Cup referee. (Alex Kaseberg)

      There are more Mel Gibson tapes coming out. How many of these do they have? It might be time to drill a relief well in Mel Gibson. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      There is a rumor of a Beach Boys 50-year reunion tour. Of course, since they're older, the songs have changed. "Good Vibrations" is now "Bad Constipations" (Alex Kaseberg)

      Mark Ruffalo has signed on to be the new Incredible Hulk. When he heard this, Mel Gibson was like, “Did they even listen to my audition tapes?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Kings of Leon only played three songs during their concert in St. Louis because pigeons were pooping on them. Fans called it "disappointing" while the pigeons are calling it "the only way we can express ourselves." (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE MEDIA

      President Obama was in New York today to tape his appearance on "The View." Whoopi asked him about the economy, Joy asked about the war, and Elizabeth asked for his birth certificate. (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama is going on "The View" to talk about the economy. Later on, he'll go to "General Hospital" to explain to doctors how the new healthcare system works. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama is going on a 10-day vacation to Martha's Vineyard in August. Obama was like, "This is my longest vacation ever," and voters were like, "Wait'll you see the one we're planning for you!" (Jimmy Fallon)

      President Obama is in town for an appearance on "The View." He probably won't get a word in edgewise, but he said he's used to it. He lives with his mother-in-law. (David Letterman)

      President Obama says he has no idea who Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is. His popularity among conservative Republicans has just shot up 437%. (Jake Novak)

      On "The View," President Obama admitted he didn't know who "Snooki" was. That's okay, on "Jersey Shore" Snooki admitted she didn't know who President Obama was. (Janice Hough)

      President Obama said he had a good time on "The View," and that the ladies on the show talk a lot less than Joe Biden. (Jay Leno)

      President Obama went on "The View," even though his critics say he isn't willing to confront extremists. (David Letterman)

      THE INTERNET AND BLOGGERS

      Facebook now has more than 500 million users, which may help explain why unemployment is around 10 percent. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      There's a report that Kate Gosselin and Sarah Palin are taking their families camping together in Alaska. And it must be true, because Sarah Palin hasn't refudiated it yet. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she's doing a Nazi salute. Let's be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      ESPN beauty Erin Andrews promoted an anti-stalking bill in Congress. A stalker photographed her nude with a peephole camera and posted the photos online. She may be just average as a sports reporter but she's sold more computers than Michael Dell. (Argus Hamilton)

      The top three things football analyst and ex-NFL coach Jimmy Johnson is hoping for as a contestant on Survivor: 3. His mind can outwit; 2. His body can outplay; 1. His hair can outlast. (RJ Currie)

      Chelsea Clinton is getting married this weekend. I don't know how this happened, but she's marrying Levi Johnston. A lot of security at the wedding, a huge security detail, and that's just to keep Bill from the bridesmaids. (David Letterman)

      Chelsea Clinton's wedding this weekend will cost an estimated $3 million. That's $2 million for all the food and decorations, and $1 million to dry clean Bill's pants 10-15 times during the afternoon. (Jake Novak)

      The rehearsal dinner for Chelsea Clinton's wedding is this evening. It's a very exclusive event, but the rest of America can have the same experience tonight by going to see the new movie "Dinner for Schmucks." (Jake Novak)

      Despite upbeat official assessments of the progress of Chelsea Clinton's wedding plans, scores of documents just released by WikiLeaks reveal a starkly different picture behind the scenes. The disclosure of "sensitive information" comes just days after WikiLeaks made public 92,000 secret U. S. military documents related to the war in Afghanistan. WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange said he felt a "moral obligation" to release the Clinton wedding papers, which reportedly cover everything from disagreements over rules of engagement, to specific intel about targeting 'drones' on the guest list. (Scott Ott)

      Alabama coach Nick Saban ripped sports agents who give cash to college players and likened agents to pimps. It's unfair to pimps. They both sell bodies, but the difference is the pimp stands ouside the door to make sure the client doesn't get hit. (Argus Hamilton)

      After 10 plastic surgery operations, Heidi Montag has filed for divorce from Spencer Pratt. Her alleged reason? He doesn't appreciate "the real me." (Janice Hough)

      Jessica Simpson is dating ex-NFL tight end Eric Johnson. I don't know who made the first move, but I'm thinking it's one pass Johnson should have dropped. (RJ Currie)

      A Dutch court ruled 14-year-old Laura Dekker was mature enough to try to become the youngest person to sail solo around the world. Dekker apparently claims she has since stocked her boat with all the essentials: a bunch of cell phones, lots of totally loaded iPods and, like, a ton of Justin Bieber t-shirts. (RJ Currie)

      Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino, testifying at the trial of a woman charged with trying to extort money from him, says she initiated their illicit after-hours tryst in a restaurant. Or to put it legal terms, it wasn't his idea to table the motion. (Dwight Perry)

      A 104-year-old woman who called herself the world's oldest member of Twitter, has died. Her last tweet: "I've fallen and I can't get up." (Jay Leno)

      EDUCATION

      A new report shows that U.S. colleges aren't doing enough to limit student drinking, and the ones that are doing enough are only doing that by offering the freshmen free bongs. (Jake Novak)

      Rutgers University has declined a request from New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to grow all the state's medical marijuana. Apparently the university feels there is already too much pot grown on campus in the window boxes of every dorm building on campus. (Jim Barach)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      A report says that women who don't have orgasms during sex are getting little help from researchers. 24% of all women can't climax during sex. Mostly because they don't have time in the three minutes their partner gives them. (Jim Barach)

      Yahoo! lifestyle says a new workout technique called yogalosophy that combines muscle-building reps with yoga poses will give you Jennifer Aniston's legs. Men have responded by asking how to get the rest of her. (RJ Currie)

      Cell phones are getting larger because of the size of their screens, and can no longer fit in some pockets. The irony is that between movies, the Internet and texting, no one even talks on the phones anymore. (Jim Barach)

      Playboy On Line has launched a special edition intended for surreptitious viewing by employees during working hours. The monthly centerfold is shown lying across her desk in a cubicle and the Playboy Advisor features excerpts from The Wall Street Journal. (Bob Mills)

      Violence struck at Comic-Con when an argument between two men resulted in one being arrested for stabbing the other with a pen. Which proved that the pen is mightier than the light saber. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      There were 80,000 guys dressed as superheroes and no one stepped in to save him. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A man was arrested in an attack at Comic-Con in San Diego and was charged with assault with a deadly weapon for hitting another man with a pen. Talk about taking "The pen is mightier than the sword" a little to literally. (Jim Barach)

      A guy in Fresno, Calif., found very valuable photo negatives at a garage sale. It turns out that they're pictures by Ansel Adams, worth $200 million. With that, you can buy a lot of crap at garage sales. (Craig Ferguson)

      The Boy Scouts of America are celebrating their 100th anniversary this week. It's easier to be a scout these days. For example, to start a fire, all you is go down to the Gulf of Mexico, pick up some oil-soaked driftwood, rub it a little and poof! You've got fire! (Tim Hunter)

      Millions of Americans are buying 3-D TVs. Critics say it only works when you wear the 3-D glasses. Or you could do what I did, and get the 3-D Lasik surgery. (Jay Leno)

      A chariot once used by Egypt’s King Tutankhamen was flown from Cairo to New York where it will be put on display with 130 objects from his tomb. The chariot was scheduled to arrive in New York last spring but was caught in Toyota‘s faulty brake recall. (Bob Mills)

      King Tut has arrived in New York City for two weeks. Word is that he's going to audition for Larry King's job. Hey, they wanted someone younger. (Tim Hunter)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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