Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

Weakly Humerus News 07-10-10

Expand Messages
  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-10-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK LeBron James booked an hour of air time to reveal his choice of teams. Not to be
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 10 2:01 AM
    • 0 Attachment
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-10-10
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      LeBron James booked an hour of air time to reveal his choice of teams. Not to be outdone, Brett Favre says he will announce his decision in an ESPN mini-series. (Janice Hough)

      According to The Associated Press stylebook we journalists live by, we're supposed to write that someone 'died,' but for the great Don 'Air' Coryell, it seems more appropriate to say he 'passed away.' (David Thomas)

      A New York man was taken to hospital after some July the Fourth fireworks accidentally ignited and blew off his left arm. Doctors hope to re-attach his arm at the left shoulder, but said for now he is all right. (RJ Currie)

      I don't think Lance Armstrong should have attempted to ride those cobbles stoned yesterday. (Gary Hallock)

      Supposedly the cobblestones were put down by Napoleon, which would explain why Lance's tire was blown apart. (Bob Dvorak)

      JaMarcus Russell was arrested and charged with possesion of codeine syrup. He had been working on his tendency to cough up the football (Bill Littlejohn)

      The Tiger Woods saga demonstrates that he who drives well on a fairway may not fare well on a driveway. (Richard Lederer)

      BP says they're spilling 60,000 barrels a day. The government says 60,001. Looks like they might have them, over a barrel. (Doug Specter)

      At the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island, former champ Takeru Kobayashi was hauled off by the cops for appearing without a contract from Major League Eating. He invoked his right of due processed foods. (Bill Littlejohn)

      BP & THE OIL SPILL

      There's billions of dollars lost in this spill but when it all is tallied up, it'll still be the oil companies who win because we need to product they're pumping. Someone always has to pay the piper. (Gary Hallock)

      At a time when many thought that news out of the Gulf of Mexico couldn't get any worse, BP announced today that the oil in the Gulf needs to be changed every six months or every 15,000 lies, whatever comes sooner. (Andy Borowitz)

      I find any joke about the Gulf oil spill to be in poor taste. A joke should always be refined. In fact, I find most BP jokes downright crude. (Charles Wukasch)

      Speaking of BP (Stand for "Broken Pipe.") do you realize how incredibly popular their live TV feed of oil leak video is? If they were charging for folks to watch this, they could recover much of their losses by selling subscriptions on a "Pipe Review" channel. (Gary Hallock)

      BP is no longer hiring Cajuns for oil spill cleanup, here's why: Thibodeaux, Boudreaux and Fontenot were told to catch and clean as many brown pelicans as they could. So far, Thibodeaux has cleaned and gutted over 56 birds - while Boudreaux made the roux and Fontenot cooked the rice. (Blake Gardiner)

      BP's company newsletter has an article that says most gulf residents aren’t upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The Gulf Oil Spill continues.All of the Jurassic Period dinosaurs have been leaked. It's now leaking the Triassic Period. (Bill Littlejohn)

      They say traces of BP's oil has started turning up in disturbing places, like congressmen's pockets. (Jay Leno)

      BP CEO Tony Hayward is in talks with Abu Dhabi to get more cash for the troubled oil company. It's all part of a new Arab strategy; who needs terrorists when they can just buy oil companies that destroy our economy and environment in one shot? (Pedro Bartes)

      At a time when many thought that news out of the Gulf of Mexico couldn't get any worse, BP announced today that the oil in the Gulf needs to be changed every six months. (Andy Borowitz)

      BP officials started cutting checks Monday to gulf residents adversely affected by the spill. Don't say the oil company has no heart. Just yesterday BP announced it will not charge the pelicans for the cost of removing their feathers from the oil. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE WORLD CUP

      You know why Viagra isn't a sponsor at the World Cup? Too much flopping. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Dutch porn star Bobbi Eden promised on Twitter Wednesday to give her 23,000 Twitter followers a 'BJ' if the Netherlands wins the World Cup this Sunday. Make that 23,001 followers. (RJ Currie)

      UPDATE: I just checked Bobbi Eden's Twitter account. Since her original tweeted promise two days ago, she is now up to 90,000 followers. It seems more and more fans are hoping the Netherlands don't - um - blow it. (RJ Currie)

      For the second day, there were no World Cup games. I missed the sound of vuvuzelas so much that I taped a beehive to my head. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Germany's Miroslav Klose said he was counting on their youth to beat Spain in the World Cup semifinal. Maybe Klose counts better in horseshoes. (RJ Currie)

      Headline after Germany lost the World Cup semifinal to Spain: No cigar for Klose. (RJ Currie)

      Crime rates in South Africa have been remarkably low since the World Cup began, if you don't count the officiating. (Jim-Bob Williams)

      Let me get this straight. Most of the world considers soccer the only true "football," and Uruguay makes it into the World Cup semifinals because one of their players uses his hand? (Janice Hough)

      Paul the octopus, suddenly the star attraction at an aquarium in Oberhausen, Germany, is a perfect 5 for 5 in predicting that country's outcomes in World Cup games, but this time he's taking Spain to beat Germany in Wednesday's semifinals. If he's right, I'm guessing the aquarium commissary is going to have a nice octopus salad on the menu. (Len Berman)

      Paris Hilton won't let just anyone play with her vuvuzela (Chris White)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama demanded amnesty for illegals Thursday, the same day he slapped a tax on tanning salons. What fun. Only a Democrat would subsidize brown people who want to be Americans, then turn around and tax Americans who want to be browner people. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Vice President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq on July 4. It was a surprise because Biden thought he was going to Des Moines for a fund-raiser. (Jay Leno)

      During Vice President Joe Biden's surprise Independence Day visit to Baghdad, security was ultra-tight. To confuse would-be assassins, he wore a turban and fingered worry beads while the two Secret Service agents inside his camel were changed every 15 minutes. (Bob Mills)

      The Post Office wants to raise stamp prices by 2 cents. The increase will generate monies for expansion. The postal center plans to open a second teller window. (Alan Ray)

      Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says she's busy making final arrangements for the wedding of daughter Chelsea who will marry childhood sweetheart Marc Mesvinsky on July 31 at the estate of billionaire John Jacob Astor. Bill Clinton, meanwhile, is in charge of Marc's bachelor party at Hooters in Westchester. (Bob Mills)

      THE COURTS

      Elena Kagan wrapped up her Supreme Court confirmation hearing testimony Wednesday. She was careful not to risk revealing any of her personal opinions to any of the senators. Federal judge is the only lifetime job in government except for wife of Bill Clinton. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE STATES & LOCAL NEWS

      Because of near 24-hour traffic congestion, Baltimore harbor's Francis Scott Key Bridge has been renamed The Car Spangled Spanner. (George Emil)

      The California governor tried to cap the state's runaway debt by ordering all state workers to be paid minimum wage, but failed when the treasurer said he couldn't print checks that small. Arnold Schwarzenegger, the BP of American governors. (Bill Williams)

      Among the first states to allow personalized license plates, California will soon introduce LED-equipped plates that display advertising. For a few dollars more, you can order one that also plays music and is made and signed by Phil Spector. (Bob Mills)

      In San Francisco, a directive from Mayor Gavin Newsom means that you can't buy sugary sodas or sports drinks from vending machines on city property. Only drinks like milk (regular and soy), unsweetened juices, water and a limited number of diet drinks are allowed. I would say the city has become a "Nanny state," but didn't Mary Poppins suggest taking medicine with a "spoonful of sugar?" (Janice Hough)

      So Bobby Jindal, Louisiana's Governor, just signed a bill that allows people to bring guns into church. So much for the phrase, "If this sermon goes on much longer, just shoot me." (Janice Hough)

      Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal will allow people to carry concealed handguns into church. You can tell your minister may need to go back for some more training when his congregation feels the need to arm themselves for Sunday Service. (Jim Barach)
      U.S. POLITICIANS

      Michael Steele said that — well, he's in trouble, actually — for saying the war in Afghanistan was Obama's war, and it was unwinable. In fact, Steele felt so sorry for it, he said today he went to his favorite bondage nightclub, demanded to be spanked. (Jay Leno)

      Republican national Committee Chairman Michael Steele stunned reporters with his claim that it was Barack Obama who originally ordered U. S. troops into Afghanistan. When asked for his source, he claimed he'd first read it in print on Sarah Palin's palm. (Bob Mills)

      Lawyers are squabbling over possible profits from the sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress. Some lawyers claim it belongs to the Edwards' campaign. Apparently that would be the first campaign to have actual video of how their candidate can screw everyone. (Jim Barach)

      Elizabeth Edwards says that John Edwards is no longer the person she married. But then why would anyone admit to marrying an egotistical, lying philanderer? (Jim Barach)

      Meg Whitman is now running ads in Spanish saying she is opposed to Prop 187 and the new Arizona immigration law. I'm confused. Is she running against Jerry Brown, or the candidate she was in the Republican primary? (Janice Hough)

      Portland cops asked Al Gore's masseuse to provide the DNA stained clothing she saved when he assaulted her. This is why Al should have succeeded Bill Clinton as president. The first requirement of any civilized society is continuity of government. (Argus Hamilton)

      New York wilted in heat Sunday as high waves pummeled all three coastlines. It was all so avoidable. The Portland masseuse's friends warned her if she accused Al Gore of sexual assault, global warming would destroy the earth, and now it's happening. (Argus Hamilton)

      Former Vice-President Dick Cheney was treated over the memorial Day weekend for chest pains. His doctors ruled out a coronary, but he wasn't taking any chances. He's had so many heart attacks, he named his two Great Danes 'Jolt' and 'Paddles.' (Bob Mills)

      Joe Biden is coming to California to fundraise for Barbara Boxer. And over at Carly Fiorina's headquarters, staffers are working overtime to make sure they keep their candidate away from a microphone when she sees HIS hair. (Janice Hough)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Female Disney employees may now wear skirts without the stockings previously required to hide their legs. The announcement was made on the same day the Little Mermaid's sports bra and Annette Funicello's white turtleneck Mouseketeer jersey were formally retired. (Bob Mills)

      According to a study conducted by Morgan Chase, the nations with the friendliest banks are China, Russia and India. Small problem with Chinese banks, though, you can't withdraw your money until you promise not to spent it in Taiwan. (Bob Mills)

      Cut-rate Irish air carrier Ryanair, known for reducing costs, may soon offer a "standing-room only" ticket for 10% less than the price of a regular seat. You can save an additional 10% if you're willing to wonder up and down the aisle pointing out landmarks. (Bob Mills)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      A 15-year-old girl in St. Paul, Minnesota was charged with shoplifting forty-four pairs of panties from a local K-Mart. She was sentenced to one year's probation and ordered to take remedial math after she told the judge she wanted a different pair for each day of the month. (Bob Mills)

      SECURITY & TERRORISM

      The FBI has broken up a Russian spy ring. The group sold Moscow tips on U. S. government inefficiencies. The charges may be dropped because that's not really a secret. (Alan Ray)

      Ten Russians pleaded guilty to spying and were ordered to be deported back to Russia. The defendants reacted stoically to the sentence, although cameras picked up Russian cuss words on a fingernail of one of the females. (Bill Littlejohn)

      The Kremlin has signaled the F. B.I. that they would be willing to swap American spies serving sentences in Russian prisons for the ten Russian spy suspects arrested in Virginia and New York. Not to be outdone, Sweden has offered to toss in Roman Polanski for Ann-Margret. (Bob Mills)

      The F.B.I. now admits that the Russian spy plot might have gone undetected but for an alert elementary school teacher in Queens who noticed one of her students in the cafeteria drinking borscht he'd brought to school in a Karl Marx lunch box. (Bob Mills)

      The U. S. sent Russian spies home because they were ineffective. Now the president wants to do the same thing with Congress. (Scctt Witt)

      THE MILITARY

      Capping the deadliest month there since 2001, Gen. David Petraeus formally took command of US forces in Afghanistan. While admitting it will be difficult, he predicts the eventual eradication of the Taliban, al Qaeda and Rolling Stone Magazine. (Bob Mills)

      UNITED NATIONS & WORLD COURT

      Queen Elizabeth will speak to the U. N. on Tuesday. Talk about different worlds. One is becoming more and more obsolete and ineffectual. The other involves royalty in England. (Alan Ray)

      There was some confusion during Queen Elizabeth's historic visit to the UN as to whether curtsying would be required. But all was well after Hillary Clinton notified the British embassy that she didn't care whether the queen curtsied or not. (Bob Mills)

      CANADA

      A WestJet flight made an emergency landing in Winnipeg after a woman tried to get out of an exit mid-flight and had to be restrained. Good idea. Where better than Winnipeg to explain the doom of bail out plans involving Jets. (RJ Currie)

      The Calgary Stampede is underway, meaning ten days of free Stampede breakfasts serving an estimated 200,000 pancakes. A word of advice to pancake lovers: avoid the JaMarcus Russell syrup. (RJ Currie)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      England has stopped police from searching anyone they want without reason after a ruling by the European Court for Human Rights. Apparently even the Queen herself doesn't have the power to make such a policy. Just sheriffs in Arizona. (Jim Barach)

      A treasure hunter has found about 52,500 Roman coins, one of the largest such finds ever in Britain, officials said Thursday.Just a few feet away, he also unearthed an ancient laundromat. (Bill Littlejohn)

      LATIN AMERICA & THE CARRIBEAN

      What's the difference between vuvuzela and the leader of Venezuela? One is a tool that makes loud, obnoxious noise. The other is a horn used by fans at sporting events. (Israel Carrasco)

      Customs agents conducting a routine sweep at the Bogota Airport found a gold-plated replica of the World Cup molded from 24 pounds of cocaine. Narcotics agents believe it was made by the same cartel that crafted Lindsay Lohan's Peoples Choice statuette. (Bob Mills)

      EUROPE

      Sweden's Crown Princess Victoria has married her fitness trainer Daniel Westling. This sounds like a marriage that will work out. (RJ Currie)

      Dmitry Rybolovlev, a Russian mining billionaire, is being accused of serial infidelity by his wife Elana who seeks a $6.1 billion divorce settlement - the biggest in history. Dmitry is calling Elena a gold digger, while she claims his mistresses are corrupting a miner. (RJ Currie)

      THE MIDDLE EAST

      President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he'll ban Coca-Cola from Iran. That's like playing the Los Angeles Lakers and double-teaming the water boy. (Alex Schubert)

      Iran has banned the mullet. Today, the state of Kentucky broke off all diplomatic relations with Iran. (Jay Leno)

      AFRICA

      Egyptian archaeologists have just completed a major excavation of a 174-metre long tunnel connected to the 3,300-year-old tomb of Pharaoh Seti 1. The archaeologists report many exciting finds, including a snake mural, ancient figurines and an original, hieroglyphic copy of today's FIFA rule book. (RJ Currie)

      INDIA & THE SUB-CONTINENT

      A $3 billion airport terminal has opened in New Delhi, India. The features are amazing. Sixty-three elevations, 95 immigration counters, 400 departure gates, and 1 skycap. (Alan Ray)

      HEALTH

      A new study shows that legalizing marijuana would lower pot prices by as much as 80%... but reduce supplies and raise prices of Doritos by at least 150%. (Pedro Bartes)

      To discourage their use, the federal government has imposed a 10% surtax on cancer-causing tanning beds. Undeterred, some cash-challenged sun worshipers are making due by sticking their face under the French fry warming lamps at Burger King. (Bob Mills)

      A study says that ICU death rates are higher on weekends. Apparently they have to wait to treat patients until the insurance offices open on Monday and they can check out their health plan status. (Jim Barach)

      Researchers say they have found a new drug that can help the brain grow new cells. If this discovery had been around when George W. Bush became President, we might not be in all this trouble right now. (Jim Barach)

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      You people are so lucky you live in California. This heat wave back east is just unbelievable. It was so hot in Washington, Nancy Pelosi skipped the Botox, had her face injected with frozen yogurt. (Jay Leno)

      It's a heat wave all over caused by Al Gore getting even with the National Enquirer for reporting on the sex charge made by a masseuse? (Gill Stern)

      Hot weather inundates the East Coast. You can tell when Washington, DC is under an energy alert. Congressmen are being asked to do their money laundering only at night. (Alan Ray)

      It's so hot in New York that all our Russian spies are begging to be reassigned to Siberia. (Jake Novak)

      The East Coast is suffering from just a terrible heat wave. In fact, on Wall Street, stockbrokers were jumping out of windows just for the cool breeze on the way down. (Jay Leno)

      Record heat grips the Northeast. You can tell when it's a scorcher in New York City. All the dumpsters start to smell like cabs. (Alan Ray)

      SPORTS

      St. Andrews officials said this year's heat wave will cause tee shots to bounce into the ocean at the British Open like they did at Pebble Beach in the U.S. Open. It makes for great television. The sharks love hookers even more than the senators do. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Arizona Diamondbacks have fired skipper A. J. Hinch. Players reacted to his departure they way they do a curve ball. They miss him badly. (Alan Ray)

      So "King James" is going to Miami, where he will end up with his friends Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. After this ego-driven free-agency madness, forget hating the Lakers, the rest of America may just decide they can't stand the Heat. (Janice Hough)

      So far, the Bulls have signed Carlos Boozer, the Thunder have re-signed Kevin Durant, and the Heat have signed Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. Meanwhile the Clippers have signed a new hot-dog vendor. (Janice Hough)

      It's been tough to be a Cleveland sports fan. First the Browns left for Baltimore, now LeBron James is going to Miami, and the Indians aren't going anywhere. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The NCAA has announced their March Madness tournament will expand next year from 65 to 68 teams. What a relief for those teams who have been seeded 66, 67 and 68, and who just know they could have played their way into the Final Four. (Janice Hough)

      The IOC announced it will press Saudi Arabia to send women athletes to the London Olympics to promote gender equality. The country doesn't have any female athletes. Every Saudi woman who can run, jump, or swim is in Kuwait by now. (Argus Hamilton)

      Sonyericssonopen.com describes Serena Williams as a very popular player that fills the seats of tennis venues. I don't know about that, but she certainly fills the seats of tennis outfits. (RJ Currie)

      Kentucky Coach John Calipari is under investigation by the NCAA again. You now have to wonder, why don't the Los Angeles Clippers hire him? At least Calipari has success with paid players. (Janice Hough)

      The U. S. Postal Service wants to increase the cost of stamps by 2 cents, effective next January. The Clippers, always looking to cut costs, immediately announced they just mail it in by December. (Dwight Perry)

      ATHLETES

      Ex-Raiders QB JaMarcus Russell has been charged in Mobile, Ala., with possession of a controlled substance — codeine syrup. That's one way to get some coughin'-corner kicks. (Dwight Perry)

      For seven years, Cleveland considered LeBron James a model citizen. Now, they consider him a Modell citizen (Anon.)

      Jamarcus Russell was arrested today on drug possession charges. Hard to believe the strong-armed quarterback was once thought of as potentially the next John Elway. Instead, he's turned out to be the next Ryan Leaf. Is this a sign? Codeine is legal without a prescription in Canada. The only question, is any CFL team desperate enough to take a chance on JaMarcus Russell? (Janice Hough)

      A Washington lawyer is suing LeBron James, claiming he is the basketball star's father. Of course, he waited until LeBron decided to change teams. If he is going to get to know his long lost son, he isn't going to Cleveland to do it. (Jim Barach)

      If Mariners' pitcher Cliff Lee finishes a complete game with a hanging curveball, is that ending on a Cliffhanger? (RJ Currie)

      Nationals rookie pitcher Stephen Strasburg lost his second game in a row, temporarily delaying his induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame. (Greg Cote)

      Free agent, Chris Bosh. sayis he will choose a new team predicated solely on winning a championship: Fair enough then, Chris, take a pay cut and go play for the Lakers. (Kevin Gleason)

      Tiger Woods is ranked #5 on the Forbes Celebrity 100 list. He was at #5 last year, too. Only then he was on the list as a golfer. (Jim Barach)

      Jets coach Rex Ryan is writing a book about how he became the man he is today. I'm guessing it's a cookbook. (Brad Dickson)

      Rays minor-league catcher, Jhancarlos Infante, was slapped with a 50-game suspension after testing positive for Boldenone, a steroid generally used on horses. The good news is he's been cleared to run next week in a maiden claimer at Calder. (Barry Rozner)

      The top 5 celebrity football penalties: 5. Charlie sheen - unnecessary roughness; 4. Lady Gaga - dress code violation; 3. Mel Gibson - objectionable conduct; 2. Paris Hilton - too many men; 1. Ricky Martin - too many men. (RJ Currie)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      Eclipse opened huge in movie theaters Wednesday. A Colorado woman said she crashed her Chevy because she was fleeing a vampire. People who don't drive Toyotas have to come up with original excuses for not hitting the brakes. (Argus Hamilton)

      The $117 million 'Knight and Day' starring Tom Cruise as a federal agent who romances Cameron Diaz has been soundly trounced by 'Toy Story 3' in ticket sales. Which just goes to prove the public is more willing to accept Don Rickles as a potato than Tom Cruise as a romantic G-Man. (Bob Mills)

      Betty White's new show Hot in Cleveland airs on Wednesday's. It is not to be confused with Thursday's Lebron James airing of Not in Cleveland. (RJ Currie)

      The upcoming Pete Rose TV film, '4,192:The Crowning of the Hit King', doesn't mention gambling.That's like the Mississippi River Story not mentioning water. (Bill Littlejohn)

      I like the old vampire movies because they let the horror build up slowly. Things start out normal and then get creepier and creepier. Kind of like the Al Gore sex scandal. (Craig Ferguson)

      "As the World Turns" has been on for 54 years. Some of the cast members are really old. Although, on CBS, once you reach 95, you get to host "60 Minutes." (Craig Ferguson )

      ENTERTAINERS

      Betty White is getting her own calendar for 2011, with many pictures featuring her posing with shirtless men. Unfortunately, at 88 years old you never know. So the calendar only goes through May. (Jim Barach)

      Britney Spears has a new clothing line at Kohl's, which she describes as "edgy but girly." Wonder what her target market is – moms who don't want to pay a lot of money but still want to be able to dress their daughters like skanks? (Janice Hough)

      Lady Gaga has more Facedbook friends than any person in the whole wide world. Help! That means she's more popular than Sarah Palin thinks she is. (Bill Williams)

      Lady Gaga has become the first living celebrity to collect more than 10 million fans on Facebook, although she still trails Michael Jackson who, of course, is dead. But she may best Michael at his own game. There are rumors that she's hired his doctor to anesthetize one of her Ga's. (Bob Mills)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Lindsay Lohan will spend 90 days in jail for violating her court-directed rehab. She'll find prison to be different than celebrity life. The only clubbing being done is by the guards. (Alan Ray)

      Lindsay Lohan tweeted that her jail sentence was a violation of the U. N. Charter for Human Rights that outlaws torture and cruel and inhuman punishment. Apparently her 30 day sentence could keep her from the basic human right to attend four club openings and three awards shows. (Jim Barach)

      The London Sun said Monday that Elin Nordegren will get seven hundred and fifty million dollars in her divorce from Tiger Woods. At last he can get back to golf. He's just hired a new swing coach who will teach him how to hit delete on his iPhone. (Argus Hamilton)

      Kim Kardashian is getting her own wax figure at Madame Tussauds in New York. Now patrons can experience exactly would it would be like if they ever met her in person. (Israel Carrasco)

      Controversial former Miss California Carrie Prejean has wed Raider QB Kyle Boller.Well, in the wake of JaMarcus Russell's departure, so much for helping to bring stability to the Raider QB position. (Bill Littlejohn)

      THE MEDIA

      There was media frenzy in New York this week over the Royal visit. No, not that one; the Knicks visiting King James. (RJ Currie)

      Rolling Stone magazine has made Ozzy Osbourne their new health columnist for three issues starting in July. Who is their new relationship columnist? Jesse James? (Frank King)

      Larry King, who recently announced that he is leaving his nightly show, says he'd love to work for the MLB Network.It would mark a glorious return to the sport since his days as play-by-play man for the Boston Beaneaters. (Bill Littlejohn)

      EDUCATION

      According to a study commissioned by the Department of Agriculture, it now costs parents in the U. S. $475,000 to raise one child. And that's just the bill for college -- housing, clothing and food are extra. (Bob Mills)

      HISTORY

      Sunday, the Fourth of July, recognized our independence from the British. Back in 1776, Americans were fighting to escape British rule. Of course, today, we're fighting to escape British oil. So the struggle continues. (Jay Leno)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      A 31-year-old Ohio woman posed as a 14-year-old boy so she could have sex with a 16-year-old girl. Upon hearing this, Roman Polanski's head nearly exploded. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Twenty-five percent of smartphone owners say they use apps while driving. Isn't it time we came up with a different term than "smart" phone? (Jim Barach)

      HOLIDAYS

      Monday is a holiday for most Americans. Federal employees get to do nothing all day. In other words, take their work home with them. (Alan Ray)

      OTHER

      The American Kennel Society has announced several official new breeds of canines including the Cane Corso mastiff, which looks a little like a pit bull, the Icelandic Sheepdog which looks like a cross between a lion and a German shepherd, and the Ice-Melting Horndog which looks just like Al Gore. (Frank King)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
    Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.