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Weakly Humerus News 07-03-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-03-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Special greetings to all of the seniors celebrating In Depends Dance Day this
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 3, 2010
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 07-03-10


      Special greetings to all of the seniors celebrating "In Depends Dance Day" this weekend. (Tim Hunter)

      NYTimes headline: "Byrd to Lie in Senate." So what? Don't most senators do that? (Scott Witt)

      Cities across the country are cutting their fireworks budgets for the Fourth of July. Apparently they just don’t feel they are getting enough bang for the buck. (Jim Barach)

      In the World Cup, Italy and France, lost and are out, but the US, England, Germany and Japan continue to fight. Why does this sound so familiar? (Alex Kaseberg)

      Umpire Mohamed Lahyan sat in the ump's chair for over eight hours on day two of the epic Isner-Mahut Wimbledon match without taking a bathroom break. My wife asked if there was any way I could sit eight hours or more without going to a washroom. I said, 'Depends.' (RJ Currie)

      Republicans are really grasping at straws in trying to discredit President Obama's Supreme Court pick, Elena Kagan. They're saying the fact that Kagan was once a softball pitcher proves she's underhanded. (Frank King)

      For the U.S. anyway in 2010, their World Cup hopes are “Ghana with the wind.” (Janice Hough)

      Sports Illustrated cover girl Brooklyn Decker, wife of tennis star Andy Roddick, has won Esquire's readers' choice Sexiest Woman Alive title, beating Jessica Alba and Heidi Klum in the finals. Unlike Andy, who has just the one Slam title, readers point to Brooklyn having no faults and a pair of majors. (RJ Currie)

      Michael Jackson was spotlighted for the anniversary of his death Saturday. When he died he was on Paxil, Zoloft, Valium, Xanax, Dilaudid, Demerol, Percosets and Propofol. He is believed to be the only person in history who descended to heaven. (Argus Hamilton)

      Kentucky coach John Calipari was all smiles at the NBA draft, but he's got to know that every time his face appeared on TV, derisive viewers thought to themselves, "There's the guy that failed to reach the Final Four with five first-round draft picks." (Bob Molinaro)

      A mountain lion wandered on to a Montana golf course. We don't know if the mountain lion was dangerous, but we do know there hasn't been a threatening Tiger on a golf course in a long time. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Everybody, it seems, is stricken with World Cup fever. Heck, even Gen. Stanley McChrystal got a red card last week. (Dwight Perry)

      Tiger is reputedly paying Elin. $750-million? Tiger just became Sweden’s top gross national product. (Gary Morton)

      From the beginning, a lot of World Cup fans were hoping for a Brazil-Argentina final. When Kaka starts flying, things are bound to turn Messi. (RJ Currie)

      A day after his epic 11 hour win at Wimbledon, a tired, badly blistered John Isner lost his next match in 75 minutes. Talk about de thrill of victory and the agony of de feet. (Janice Hough)


      Billions and billions of barrels of crude oil just surging into the Gulf of Mexico. It's like we essentially have paved the Gulf of Mexico. Cubans are now walking to Miami. (David Letterman)

      British Petroleum plans to get rid of an independent safety watchdog group it created four years ago. The group was set up to hear workers’ safety concerns and act on them. Well, that sure worked out well. (Jim Barach)

      It's Day 71 of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. They just did a poll that says only 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP, to which I say, 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP? That's 18 million people. Is it possible that 18 million Americans don't know what the word favorable means? (Jimmy Kimmel)

      BP's company newsletter has an article that says most gulf residents aren't upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      Argentine defender Gabriel Heinze slapped a camera that hit him in the face when it got too close to a pile of players celebrating a goal against Mexico. Can't say I blame him; a camera shouldn't get that close to a pile unless it's operated by a proctologist. (RJ Currie)

      In the World Cup, Switzerland, whose defense allowed only 1 goal in 3 games, nonetheless couldn’t advance because they just couldn’t score in a 0-0 game against Honduras. So this may go down in history as a “Swiss Miss.” (Janice Hough)

      Canadian lingerie model Elizabeth Minett is still getting flak for splitting up with English goalie Robert Greens shortly before the World Cup, a distraction British tabs say caused his infamous fumble against the U.S. and started the team's downfall. I'm not a soccer fan, but if I was Greens, I'd be more upset I let Minett slip through my fingers. (RJ Currie)

      Former President Clinton has been in South Africa, cheering the American World Cup team on. He tries to remain on the exact opposite side of the world as Hillary at all times. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      The World Cup lets us learn about countries that we may never have learned about. For instance, did you know Slovakians are made out of taffy? (Jimmy Fallon)

      In the World Cup, Germany beat England 4-1. Now, I don't want to put too fine a point on it, but if this was the level of effort put out in World War II, we would be listening to music by Der Beatles and Von Stones Das Rolling. (Alex Kaseberg)

      OXO are introducing a new white OXO cube with a red cross on it to support the England team, it will be called the laughing STOCK. (Eric Hodgson)

      Shapely lingerie model Larissa Riquelme pledged to run naked through the streets if her native country Paraguay wins the World Cup. If that happens, you’ll see guys’ vuvuzelas popping up everywhere. (Jerry Perisho)

      Eliminated from World Cup competition by Ghana, the US soccer team has withdrawn its appeal of that goal-robbing call in their previous game -- which is still believed to be the worst ruling against an American team since that umpire ejected Kate Hudson from the Yankee bullpen. (Bob Mills)

      David Blaine is gutted because his record for doing f. all in a box for 42 days has been broken by Wayne Rooney. (Eric Hodgson)

      The refereeing at the World Cup games in South Africa is only slightly less effective than the security detail at a White House state dinner. (Jerry Perisho)

      England has just announced flood warnings as 5 million Scots piss themselves laughing. (Eric Hodgson)


      Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan brought the house down at her confirmation hearings when Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) asked where she was on Christmas Day, during the attempted bombing of a Detroit-bound plane. "You know," Kagan said, "like all Jews, I was probably in a Chinese restaurant."

      After confirming to Sen. Arlen Specter (D-PA) that she favors televising Supreme Court sessions, Kagan conceded: "It means I'd have to get my hair done more often."

      When Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) corrected earlier comments she made that no women were in the Senate back in 1980 after receiving "many emails" reminding her that former Sen. Nancy Kassebaum was already in the Senate at the time, Kagan said, "Isn't email a wonderful thing? You can learn you're wrong right away."

      When Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK) noted he was 12 or 13 years older than Kagan, she quipped, "Maybe not after this hearing."

      When Sen. Herb Kohl (D-WI) said it might be a "good time to refer to your 1995 law review article in which you criticized Supreme Court nominees," Kagan said, "It's been half an hour since I heard about that article."

      There’s about as much chance of hearing anything new and interesting at the Elena Kagan hearings as there is of watching a high scoring World Cup match this weekend. (Janice Hough)

      Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is taking heat from several Senators for not allowing U.S. military recruiters on the Harvard campus. But in her defense, it's important to note that most Harvard students are only interested in being recruited by al Qaeda. (Jake Novak)

      Things in Washington are always so political. President Obama said that the opposition to Elena Kagan seems like 'pretty thin gruel.' That's how he describes the opposition. If you want thick gruel, just go down to the Gulf of Mexico. (David Letterman)


      President Obama ordered flags at federal offices to be flown at half staff for Robert Byrd. And to make the honor more fitting for the longest-serving U.S. Senator, Obama has also asked that the ones be used with 13 stars on them. (Janice Hough)

      President Obama met with the Russian president at the White House. And afterward, Obama took the Russian president out for a hamburger. And it was a little awkward, you know. You know who the guy behind the counter serving the burger was? General McChrystal. The Russian president offered to pick up the check. But Obama said: "Don't worry about it. Just charge it to our grandchildren. It's fine. They'll pay it. Not a problem." (Jay Leno)


      The White House budget director will be leaving his job next month. Wait, he's still there? (Alex Schubert)


      Senator Robert Byrd has died at age 92. Considering his record for pork barrel legislation, 178 people will probably be hired and get lifetime pensions just to dig his grave. (Jake Novak)


      It turns out California's welfare debit cards were usable at dozens of strip club ATM's across the state. So THAT's what they mean by "Stimulus!" (Jake Novak)

      A public relations task force says that Arizona should reassure potential visitors that the state is a safe and welcome destination. By that they mean if you don’t have your papers, you will be welcomed by being locked away in a safe location. (Jim Barach)

      Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is ordering all state workers to be paid minumum wage until the California legislature passes the budget. But the courts are expected to block that measure, since no California state worker is worth even $7.25 an hour. (Jake Novak)

      In Columbus, Ohio, a six-story Styrofoam statue of Jesus burned to the ground after being struck by lightening. Mutual of Omaha is refusing to pay the archdiocese the cost of a replacement citing their rarely-invoked “act of god-to-himself” clause. (Bob Mills)


      Is it just me, or is it somehow easier to imagine Sarah Palin as President than to imagine Al Gore as a “crazed sex poodle?” And somewhere Bill Clinton is thinking “Crazed sex poodle, Hey, that’s MY job.” (Janice Hough)

      Dick Cheney, the former vice president of the United States, was hospitalized over the weekend. This guy has been in the hospital so many times, the cafeteria has named a sandwich after him. (David Letterman)


      The economy is so bad in America that the charity Habitat for Humanity is now one of the top 10 homebuilders in the U.S. Next, the Obama administration is hoping to make the Salvation Army the top clothing retailer and the YMCA the top hotel chain. (Jake Novak)

      The savings rate for Americans has been growing faster than consumer spending. People can save more now that they don't have a mortgage or car payment to make every month any more. (Jim Barach)


      Drug makers have cut 35,000 jobs since the beginning of the year. What hurts the industry more is now that these people have lost their health benefits, they can’t afford to buy any more prescription drugs. (Jim Barach)

      The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla has unveiled its new spirit ñ smoked salmon-flavored vodka. Sounds like just the thing to get your date in the mood to spawn. (Paul Seaburn)

      George Lucas’ company “Lucasfilm” lost a wrongful termination suit Wednesday for withdrawing a job offer from a San Francisco woman after she disclosed that she was expecting a baby. To be fair, the geek-driven company with a history of producing high-tech, science-fiction blockbusters, may have had a little bit of a problem with the concept of how anyone gets pregnant. (Janice Hough)

      Mercedes Benz and MW sales are up in the U.S. Apparently the leather seats and roomy interiors make them the ideal cars for people who have been forced to live in them. (Jim Barach)

      General Mills says sales of cereals and other foods are down and that their earnings are below Wall Street's expectations. One more quarter like this and Pres. Obama says he will replace General Mills with General Patraeus (Jerry Perisho)


      Police in California arrested a couple for trying to sell their baby for $25 at a Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart called the incident horrifying, but also proof of its unbeatable, everyday low prices. ((Jimmy Fallon)

      Police in St. Paul, Minnesota, arrested a 15-year-old girl who was caught allegedly leaving a Kmart with a tote bag full of 44 pairs of panties she didn't pay for. They say she told the officers that she needed clean underwear, and demanded to know if they "expect me to wear dirty underwear?" Her mom told her never to leave the house in dirty underwear because you never know when the cops might be strip-searching you. (The Comedy Wire)


      The F.B.I. recently arrested alleged Russian deep-cover agents living and working in the United States. Despite their sophisticated schemes to appear as regular American citizens, authorities grew suspicious of the group after discovering they all had jobs. (Clint Thatcher)

      Russian spy ring here in New York City. They were busted in New York City. Once again, they were spotted by an alert T-shirt vendor. (David Letterman)

      The U. S. Border Patrol thwarted an attempt by a Mexican drug cartel to blow up a dam in Texas. It's a turf war rooted in business. Not that many people know that the Battle of the Alamo was actually a dispute between drywall contractors. (Argus Hamilton


      A report says that the U.S. overestimated the ability of the Afghan military and police to fight on their own. Apparently we also overestimated the ability of the Bush Administration to plan the war while underestimating the cost and how long the war would last. Other than that, things have been pretty accurate. (Jim Barach)

      Good news for Gen. Stanley McChrystal who was relieved of his command in Afghanistan after an article critical of President Obama and his aides was published in Rolling Stone Magazine -- the general may keep his medals. He’s been granted emblematic immunity. (Bob Mills)


      Toyota says it has 270,000 vehicles with faulty engines that stall when the vehicle is moving. Apparently they will offset the problem by equipping those vehicles with the accelerators that always stick while driving. (Jim Barach)

      American Airlines is touting the fact that they are upgrading their 737s, with a spokesman saying they are “reinvesting in their product and services to enhance the travel experience for our loyal customers.” It’s true, they are putting in new seats, data ports, larger overhead bins, and new entertainment systems. And oh yeah, 12 more seats in every plane, an average of an inch of legroom less per passenger. (Janice Hough)

      U.S. airlines made $769 million in revenues from baggage fees in the first quarter of this year... and that's just the money they got from selling the bags they "lost." (Jake Novak)

      Sky Chefs airline food provider was cited by U.S. food inspectors Monday who say its food is unsanitary. A food poisoning outbreak on a plane would be disastrous for most major airlines. They need to keep the bathrooms clear for the Mile High Club. (Argus Hamilton)

      The F.D.A. says that airline food is often prepared in unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Otherwise known as "airplanes." (Alex Schubert)

      A Swiss team has postponed a a 24 hour solar plane flight. Apparently they forgot to take into account how to power the plane during that stretch at night where there won’t be any sun. (Jim Barach)

      NASA & SPACE

      Sex has been banned at the International Space Station. Apparently any astronauts who are looking for some Tang had better be getting it from a drink container. (Jim Barach)


      At the G-20 global economic summit in Toronto, police have arrested nearly 600 demonstrators. In honor of former Pres. George W. Bush, when the moderator opened with "Welcome to the G-20," Pres. Obama shouted, "Bingo!" (Jerry Perisho)


      Prince Harry toured New York City wearing a Mets hat. That's like going to a five star restaurant and ordering a bologna sandwich. (Jim Barach)


      Mexico City police arrested a 22-year old matador who abandoned the bull he was fighting, jumped out of the ring and fled into the crowd. Later, the judge was unimpressed when he pleaded “temporary sanity.” (Bob Mills)


      They've finally figured out a way to get a car to run on water. However, only water from the Gulf of Mexico. (Anon.)

      Scientists in Geneva say that by smashing subatomic particles together, they can come very close to replicating the Big Bang that created the universe. Now, that may sound like quite an undertaking, don't worry: BP has offered to help. (Tim Hunter)

      Scientists at the yawning conference in Paris says yawns can actually be a sign of interest or arousal rather than boredom. In Canada, the news has been particularly welcomed by: 2. The Toronto Maple Leafs; 1. Husbands. (RJ Currie)

      Reversing his recent position on the dangers of an extraterrestrial invasion, eminent theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking said today that the planet is in no such peril anymore because aliens are “no longer interested” in invading Earth. (Andy Borowitz)


      Dutch researchers say swingers have higher rates of sexually transmitted infections than prostitutes. So, they advise you to be very careful whose bed you park your wooden shoes under. And it has absolutely nothing to do with sticking your finger in the dyke. (Jerry Perisho)

      A survey commissioned by the CDC shows that the average American ingests 3500 milligrams of sodium daily -- twice that recommended for good health. In biblical times, to get that much salt in one’s system, you had to look back over your shoulder at Sodom and Gomorrah. (Bob Mills)

      The new Viagra for women failed to get approval by the FDA. It delivered as promised all right, but by the time the test subjects dimmed the lights, lit the candles, adjusted the volume on a Johnny Mathis album, and donned revealing lingerie, they’d forgotten what they were so excited about. (Bob Mills)


      Now that the USA is out (of World Cup competition), ESPN is finding out what it’s like televising the PGA without Tiger Woods. (Janice Hough)

      The NCAA imposed a two-year bowl ban on USC for rule violations that included illegal payments to athletes of cash and real estate. An investigation is still underway but it looks like O. J. Simpson may have to turn over his Malibu beach house, his Heisman Trophy and the murder weapon. (Dr. Digit]

      Three UCLA football players were arrested this week for allegedly stealing a fellow student’s purse. Stealing a purse? Come on. Guess they should have gone to USC where they would have been paid better. (Janice Hough)

      And let’s see, the U.S. is out of the World Cup, mostly out of Wimbledon, Tiger Woods isn’t in a major this weekend and it’s too early to think about baseball pennant races. So this Fourth of July weekend a common refrain could be “Hey, honey, you always are so accommodating about what I want to do, let’s say we go shopping.” (Janice Hough)

      It took a record 11 hours, 5 minutes — including a 70-68 score in the fifth set — before John Isner of the United States outlasted Nicolas Mahut of France in a men's singles match at Wimbledon. By the way, tied at 58 games, Mahut dove full out for a ball crashing to the ground. Contrast that with baseball players who don't even bother hustling out of the batter's box. (Len Berman)

      So how long did that 70-68 game at Wimbledon go again? It lasted so long, sitting in the stands Venus Williams' outfit went out of style four times. (Jerry Perisho)

      Talk about wear and tear: It was the only match in history that started on grass and ended on clay. (Charlie Gay)

      The Red Sox just placed Jason Varitek on the disabled list, joining Victor Martinez, Dustin Pedroia, Josh Beckett, Jacoby Ellsbury, Mike Lowell, Jeremy Hermida and Jed Lowrie. New Boston motto? “Survivor – Fenway.” (Janice Hough)

      It must have been tough for French tennis fans to watch Nicolas Mahut score 68 in the fifth set and yet lose to John Isner. But on the bright side, Mahut would have beaten the Celtics in game six of the NBA finals. (RJ Currie)

      The way the SF Giants situational hitting is going, I think actually truth in advertising would be to refer to base runners as “men in double play position.” (Janice Hough)


      The bidding for NBA superstar free agent LeBron James began at midnight. James is reportedly holding out for the same $750 million deal Elin Nordegren is getting from Tiger Woods. (Jake Novak)

      Fred Couples is golfing in the Montreal Championship without his socks, a habit he began when he got his new golf shoes. Meanwhile, reports say Tiger Woods' divorce from Elin was finalized this week, which means at the AT&T National in Philadelphia, Tiger began golfing without his shirt. (RJ Currie)

      According to the Chronicle of Higher Education, Mike Garrett, USC athletic director, made more than $1-million in 2008-9 while his Trojans were under investigation by the NCAA. But give the guy a break, the school probably has players who made more than that. (Janice Hough)

      Russell Martin got ejected for arguing the game-ending out: "Russell Martin has just gotten thrown out of the game, but there's no game for him to be thrown out of." (Vin Scully)

      The upset of defending champ Venus Williams at Wimbledon was a stunner. The upset of Andy Roddick was a Lu-lu. (RJ Currie)

      Fiery Celtics forward Rasheed Wallace appears set to retire after setting records for technical fouls in a season (41) and career (306). Flummoxed NBA refs can't decide whether to give him a 21-thumb salute or simply throw him a T party. (Dwight Perry)

      Yahoo! Sports lists Serena Williams as weighing 130 pounds. 130? Where'd they weigh her, the Space Station? (RJ Currie)

      LA Lakers star Kobe Bryant was spotted in South Africa taking in some of the World Cup games. Either that or his wife insisted he buy her a diamond mine. (Jerry Perisho)

      After the Wizards took him No. 1 in the NBA draft: "You don't want to be a draft pick that should have did something but never did nothing." (John Wall)

      Russia's Anna Kournikova, who never won a singles title, and Switzerland's Martina Hingis, back from a two-year ban for using cocaine, have teamed up in Wimbledon's veterans' competition. Once dubbed the 'Spice Girls' of tennis, here are some suggested new nicknames: 3. The Loser and The User; 2. The Swiss Miss and the Near Miss; 1. Vodka and Coke. (RJ Currie)

      The Vancouver Canucks signed free agent defenceman Dan Hamhuis, the pride of Smithers, British Columbia. He should feel right at home with the smithereens the Blackhawks blew the Canucks' defence to. (RJ Currie)

      Suspended hothead Carlos Zambrano of the Chicago Cubs has gotten into so many scrapes and gets steamed so often, if he were in the NHL he be called Zambroni. (RJ Currie)


      "Toy Story 3" is tops at the box office. The movie is guaranteed to have you on the edge of your seat. The little kid behind you won't stop kicking the chair. (Alan Ray)

      Toy Story Three trounced Tom Cruise at the box office Sunday, signaling the end of the superstar's movie career. Cartoon characters now rule the world. The movie was financed by the Little Mermaid with her compensation check from British Petroleum. (Argus Hamilton)

      "Twilight Saga: Eclipse" opens this week. Vampires fight werewolves in this intense drama. No lawyers were hurt in the making of this movie. (Alan Ray)

      A Harry Potter theme park has opened near Orlando. The magic is just incredible. In a matter of seconds, the guy at the ticket window can make your money disappear.(Alan Ray)

      I didn't see "Valkyrie" because Tom Cruise was playing a Nazi. A heroic Nazi, but still a Nazi. By the way, a heroic Nazi is like an environmentally friendly BP executive. (Craig Ferguson)


      Marilyn Monroe's chest x-rays were sold at auction in Las Vegas for forty-five thousand dollars Sunday. Back in the Fifties, women had their chests x-rayed and examined right in the doctor's office. Today they generally get it done at the airport. (Argus Hamilton)

      Angelina Jolie said her daughter, Shiloh, wants to be a boy. Well, duh, if you had breast fed off of Angelina Jolie, wouldn’t you want to be a boy too? (Alex Kaseberg)

      Gary, the Osama bin Laden hunter, was over there in Pakistan and had night-vision goggles. He had a sword. And he couldn't find Osama bin Laden. That means he's actually tied with Bush and Obama. (David Letterman)

      “TMZ” claims it has an audio tape of Mel Gibson screaming profanities during a custody phone argument with his ex, including the C-word and the N-word. Who could have guessed the biggest “Lethal Weapon” in Mel’s career would be his mouth? (Alex Kaseberg)

      It turns out Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson are friends, and they may perform in a joint concert. And by joint, I mean together. (Israel Carrasco).

      It is now being reported Tiger Woods’s wife, Elin, will get a settlement of 100 million dollars, not the 750 million that was reported. To put that amount in perspective, at some point Heather Mills would have had to been married to all of the Beatles. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Rob Lowe is writing his autobiography. Lowe was a Hollywood groundbreaker, with his sex tape scandal in 1988 paving the way for Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton and John Edwards. (Jim Barach)


      It is reported that Heather Mills has spent her entire $24 million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney. Apparently she doesn’t have a financial leg to stand on. (Alex Kaseberg)

      W.S. Merwin has been named the nation’s 17th Poet Laureate. The person is given the responsibility of raising the national appreciation of poetry. Let’s hope he has better luck than the other sixteen. (Jim Barach)

      Kim Kardashian is being cast in wax for Madame Tussaud’s museum in New York. How do you distinguish this figurine from the real celebrity? The figurine offers more in a conversation. (Alan Ray)

      Lakers owner's daughter Jeannie Buss said Monday she can't get Phil Jackson to marry her. He's a Methodist preacher's son and now a practicing Buddhist. This combination allows people to enjoy watching his conscience each week on Animal Planet. (Argus Hamilton)

      Joran van der Sloot is reportedly looking for a $1 Million TV deal to tell his story. They haven’t come up with a title for the show yet since “The Biggest Loser” has already been taken. (Jim Barach)

      “Bachelor” star, Vienna Girardi announced she will pose naked for “Playboy.” Remember, this is the woman who claimed she broke off her engagement with Jake because he was a shameless publicity whore. (Alex Kaseberg)


      Larry King is ending his nightly show on CNN this fall. With King not leaving the house as often, Depends adult diapers are expected to go out of business. (Jake Novak)

      Ladies and gentlemen, news from the world of broadcasting. Larry King has announced his retirement. He says he wants to spend more time with his wives. (David Letterman)

      Who’d a thunk it? Larry King is going to retire before Brett Favre. (Janice Hough)

      Larry King is quitting his show after 25 years. He said he wanted to thank the source of his support for all those years: his suspenders. (Israel Carrasco)


      President Obama has been given the power to shut down the Internet for up to four months in an emergency. That would be a terrible blow to the economy. Imagine all the people who would be laid off when their bosses find out they actually are working only about 25 minutes out of the day. (Jim Barach)

      Spam is pretty easy to figure out. I mean, c'mon--didn't you ever wonder how a deposed African Prince got your email address in the first place? And why would he be trying to sell you Viagra? (Tim Hunter)


      Memo to the elementary school officials in Provincetown, Massachusetts who have begun distributing condoms to students riding the school bus: That School Board directive asking you to “make the kids safer” meant by installing seat belts. SEAT BELTS! (Bob Mills)

      The U.S. Mint released a new depiction of Abe Lincoln on the U.S. penny Monday. It shows Abe as a boy sitting on a log and studying a textbook. The Teachers Union is furious at the U.S. mint for advertising that you can get a better education without them. (Argus Hamilton)


      In Philadelphia, an early seventeenth century colonial inn believed to be the oldest in the nation is on the market. Popular among the Founding Fathers, it’s believed to have been the country’s first BB and W -- Bed, Bath & Wench. (Bob Mills)

      Archaeologists have found a 10,000 year old hunting weapon in ice near Yellowstone National Park. Early man didn’t have the complementary accessory today’s hunters carry. Lots of beer. (Alan Ray)


      A study says that 80% of women fake orgasms during sex. The other 20% fake they are asleep so they don’t even have to deal with the fake orgasm part of it. (Jim Barach)

      Saturday was the 40th anniversary Gay Pride Parade in San Francisco. There were some original first year marchers in the parade, but now when they say they're bi, they mean bifocals. (Bill Williams)

      A deceased Miami woman has left $3 million to her pet Chihuahua. Big deal! I know a Chihuahua who's eaten more money than that while riding in Paris Hilton's purse. (Frank King)


      Sunday is July 4, when America combines our two favorite pastimes: alcohol and explosives. (David Letterman)

      "Sunday is the Fourth of July. America will celebrate its independence. Millions will enjoy beer imported from Mexico, bratwurst shipped from Germany, and fireworks made in China. (Alan Ray

      The Statue of Liberty reopened last year on the 4th of July, for the first time since 9/11. It had been so long since anyone was inside of her, she "exploded" long before the evening's fireworks did. (Paul Benoit)

      After your picnics, parties, parades and other family fun make sure you spend the evening celebration of our independence and freedom blowing stuff up. Then, when the cops come, put you in the squad car, read you your rights, throw you in the holding center until Monday morning until you're in front of a judge who berates you and slaps you with a $500 ticket, you can stand up and say, "I'm proud to be an American!" (Paul Benoit)


      A Florida man was run over by his own truck after his dog put it in gear. It looked like an accident, but it turns out the dog was texting. (Jay Leno)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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