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Weakly Humerus News 08-26-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-26-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Gen. McChrystal is in trouble for shooting off his mouth, so there’s another
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 28, 2010
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-26-10
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Gen. McChrystal is in trouble for shooting off his mouth, so there’s another hole Obama can’t plug. (David Letterman)

      KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners. It's called the Tea Party Bucket. It consists of nothing but right wings and assholes. (Anon.)

      Twitter went down for about three hours last week. So for three hours, a lot of people with nothing to do were upset they had nobody to tell about it. (RJ Currie)

      It's fitting that Father's Day and the World Cup shared the same Sunday. Nowhere do you see more ties. (Doug Cole)

      London: The remains of chess genius Bobby Fischer are to be exhumed to determine whether he is the father of a 9-year-old girl, a lawyer representing the child and her mother said Thursday. That will teach men to engage in one-knight stands! (Charles Wukasch)

      The U.S. beat Algeria in the World Cup today. The U.S. scored a goal with three minutes left to play. And get this, the ref completely forgot to disallow the goal. (Jimmy Fallon)

      What did this month's NBA Finals and Tony Awards had in common? Both of them rewarded great acting. (Janice Hough)

      The Isner-Mahut match lasted three days. That's longer than Britney Spears' first marriage. (Janice Hough)

      Paris Hilton was arrested last night for flashing her vuvuzela in public. (Marc Ragovin)

      Sarah Palin has revealed that she tried marijuana, but didn't like it. After trying pot, Sarah Palin said she was able to see Cheech 'n Chong from her front porch. (Tim Hunter)

      The Tampa Bay Rays are 3-0 when they commit three or more errors. In other words, malpractice makes perfect. (Dwight Perry)

      THE OIL SPILL

      A congressman actually apologized to BP’s CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the room and people think you’re the moron? To be fair, it’s not easy for a lot of these congressmen. It’s got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you. (Jay Leno)

      I’m not going to do any jokes about oil spill-related news, because I thought it might be nice to just pretend for a few minutes that the oil spill isn’t happening. You know, kind of like BP does. (Jimmy Fallon)

      BP's chairman said its C. E.O., Tony Hayward, is being relieved of the day-to-day responsibilities of managing the gulf oil spill. Mr. Hayward will instead become England's new goalkeeper. (Israel Carrasco)

      Cuba is bracing for effects of the leak, though a lot of Cubans say they can't wait for the oil to get there. They're hoping to use it as a Slip 'n Slide to sneak into Miami. (Jay Leno)

      While testifying before Congress yesterday, BP CEO Tony Hayward called the oil spill a “complex accident caused by an unprecedented combination of failures.” Then he realized he was reading notes left on the stand by a Goldman Sachs executive. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Tony Hayward's disingenuousness was so complete he was in danger of being charged with impersonating a congressman. (Will Durst)

      On the “Today” show this morning, BP executive Bob Dudley said that CEO Tony Hayward is committed to BP, and BP is committed to Tony Hayward. Good, because our No. 1 concern here is “how are you guys doing?” (Jimmy Fallon)

      Texas Republican Congressman Joe Barton actually apologized to B. P. yesterday for the way he felt they have been treated. Finally, somebody with the political courage to say what's on all our minds, huh? Yeah. Let's give B. P. a break. Boy, they've been through a lot. (Jay Leno)

      Larry King's oil spill telethon last night raised $1.8 million. Usually, to get that much money from Larry King, you have to divorce him. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The Associated Press says the Gulf oil spill couldn't even fill the Louisiana Superdome. Which makes it pretty much like the New Orleans Saints. (Jim Barach)

      There are rumors that the CEO of BP is saying they might go out of business. Then who will be in charge of not stopping the leak? (David Letterman)

      BP says its costs from the Gulf spill are now at $2.35 billion... $2.41 billion for premium. (Jake Novak)

      Let's see what's going on with B. P. C. E.O. Tony Hayward, otherwise known as "the lying king." You see, Hayward told Congress yesterday he's "deeply sorry" about the Gulf oil spill. He said he would have apologized sooner, but he was putting 100 percent of his energy trying to turn off that underwater video camera. (Jay Leno)

      Tony Hayward, on Twitter, said that the oil spill is still his priority. You know a guy cares when he tweets from his yacht. (David Letterman)

      THE WORLD CUP

      The U.S. should have won against Slovenia but a referee disallowed the winning goal for no apparent reason. This referee is very lucky that we don’t care about soccer. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      While in South Africa for the World Cup, Prince William was embarrassed when he was unable to extract any sound from a vuvuzela he borrowed from a young spectator. But his aunt, Sarah Ferguson, immediately offered to give him lessons for $477,000. (Bob Mills)

      I *tried* to watch a World Cup soccer match the other day. Nothing happened. And then nothing else happened. And then someone made a feint, but no, nothing happened. And then nothing else happened. And then there was a thing where something could have happened if something else had happened, but in the end, nothing happened. (Paul Benoit)

      It's been called the most important moment in U.S. soccer history. Landon Donovan's goal in extra time against Algeria - with former President Bill Clinton in the stands - turned elimination into a trip to round two of the World Cup and the U.S. finished on top of their group for the first time since 1930. Bill Clinton was so excited, he blew his own vuvuzela. (RJ Currie)

      The U. S. soccer team advanced in the World Cup Wednesday with a win over Algeria in Pretoria. Sports bars went wild across America. It fulfilled a lifetime dream for U. S. soccer fans, to be allowed to drink in the morning without being judged for it. (Argus Hamilton)

      Coach Fabio Capello suggested England avoided a humiliating early exit in a spirited win over Slovenia because his players were allowed to drink beer the night before. It was a victory of homonymic proportions, as a potential brouhaha ended up a brew ha ha. (RJ Currie)

      World Cup crowds were ripped by doctors Thursday who said the buzzing vuvuzela horns were spreading germs throughout the stadium. Nothing can be done. The U. N. tried to set up a Clean Vuvuzela Exchange but the locals insist on sharing them to save money. (Argus Hamilton)

      The Swiss lost 1-0 to Chile at the World Cup on Monday, while at Wimbledon, 20th seed Stanislas Wawrinka lost to an unseeded player and Roger Federer was down two sets before rallying to win in five. It was almost the worst day in Switzerland since the invention of the Ricola commercial. (RJ Currie)

      Americans are furious over perceived blown calls in the US match against Slovenia today by a referee from Mali. Which is kind of interesting when you think about it. It's a sport we largely don't care about, with rules most of us don't understand, and most Americans probably couldn't find either Slovenia OR Mali on a map. (Janice Hough)

      A deluxe toilet rumored to have been stolen en route to Diego Maradona's World Cup suite has been found, Officials expect an arrest soon now that they have something to go on. (RJ Currie)

      The defending World Cup champions didn't even make it out of the first round. This is one of the most embarrassing things that has ever happened to Italy, well, without Catholic priests involved. (Janice Hough)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      While this whole oil mess has been going on, President Obama spent the weekend playing golf with Vice President Biden. Biden's handicap is 16 and Obama's handicap is Biden. (Jimmy Fallon)

      THE STATES & LOCAL NEWS

      A California resolution is urging an economic boycott against Arizona for its immigration laws. Arizona would like to reciprocate but it's hard to have an economic boycott against a state that no longer has an economy. (Jim Barach)

      The state legislature in Calif. is considering a bill that would allow electronic advertisements on license plates. I don’t need anything else to distract me while I’m texting. (Craig Ferguson)

      You know, this state is so broke, they're just trying to make money any way they can. California lawmakers - this is real - are now considering a bill to allow electronic license plate frames on vehicles that will flash digital commercials. Who is this for? People who want something else to read while driving and texting? (Jay Leno)

      The electronic license plate frames on vehicles that will flash digital commercials are a natural for lawyers specializing in DWI cases, after all isn't the last thing you see before the crash most likely to stick in your memory? (Jerry W.)

      The city of Los Angeles is now rethinking its boycott of Arizona because the city’s red light cameras are all owned by an Arizona-based company. See, red lights and speed cameras are a big source of revenue for the city. And the boycott of Arizona could mean no more red lights, no more cameras, no more tickets. I’m willing to make that sacrifice. (Jay Leno)

      A woman in California has spent a small fortune, including $10,000 an hour in helicopter fees, building a house from an old Boeing 747. She hopes to recover some of the cost by charging guests for snacks and blankets. (RJ Currie)

      Budget cuts will force California state parks to go green with their restroom toilet paper. Guests will choose between oak or maple. (Alan Ray)

      Northern California has started toll carpool lanes, so drivers will be able to buy their way into the fast lanes. They got the idea from Meg Whitman, who hopes to buy her way into the fast lane all the way to Sacramento. (Janice Hough)

      Long a leader on environmental issues, California is poised to become the first state in the union to declare a total ban on plastic grocery bags. Shoppers will still have to choose, though -- "Paper or recycled paper?" (Bob Mills)

      Since October 2009, California welfare recipients have used their welfare debit cards to withdraw $1.8 million from ATM's on casino gambling floors. The news is comforting to millions of Americans who were worried that people on welfare use the money just to buy drugs. (Jake Novak)

      A Massachusetts school district is now allowing first graders to get free condoms. That's ridiculous, everyone knows its the kindergartens who are getting busy at nap time! (Jake Novak)

      The state of New York recently approved the sale of 192-proof alcohol. Or, for an extra dollar, the liquor store clerk can just punch you in the liver. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A new tax is pushing the price of cigarettes in New York City to over $11 per pack. It's getting so expensive, some smoker on the street tried to charge me for inhaling his second-hand smoke. (Jake Novak)

      U.S. POLITICIANS

      Sarah Palin has revealed that she tried marijuana, but didn’t like it. You know, 200 million Americans have tried marijuana and the only people that don’t like it are elected officials. (Jay Leno)

      Sarah Palin called marijuana a “minimal problem” in America. She admitted that she herself has tried pot, which could explain some of the things she has said over the years. It’s all baked Alaska talk. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Some of the media in California are making much of the fact that former Governor and current candidate Jerry Brown and his wife now live in home worth $1.8 million in the Oakland Hills. $1.8 million. Or as Meg Whitman calls it, a day's advertising budget. (Janice Hough)

      In California we have an old hippie chick running for a senate seat, paying for a big part of her campaign with money she received as a golden parachute. Her ad goes "I'm Carly Fiorina and I ran Hewlett Packard," however she neglects to include the three words that would make it a bit more correct. Those three words that preceded her being fired are "Into the ground". She also talks about creating jobs, but omits the part that lists what the country was that she created jobs in, when she took her company "Off Shore". Here's a hint for you, it isn't the U. S.A. (Jerry W.)

      TAXES & THE ECONOMY

      They say it now costs $250,000 to raise a child to age 18, and that doesn’t count college, which is like $50,000 a year. So kids, if you want to give dad a great Father’s Day gift, run away. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Economists predict by this time next year, China will overtake the United States as the No. 1 country in manufacturing. But you know something, we have only ourselves to blame for this. I mean, what were we thinking, making our kids go to school? What idiots we are! Child labor, that's the key! (Jay Leno)

      Considering the closing of schools and reduction of services that are reflecting the economy, kids of today should be grateful for child labor, these jobs may be the only ones they'll ever have. (Jerry W.)

      It turns out 1,300 people who applied to get the new homebuyer tax credit were actually prison inmates. What's the average price of a 5 x 5, one-toilet home? (Jake Novak)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      The last Hershey's factory that makes Peppermint Patties is scheduled to close, and they're moving all production to Mexico. From now on they'll be Red Hot Chili-Peppermint Patties. (Frank King)

      Maytag announced Thursday that they will recall two million dishwashers, saying the electrical wiring could pose a fire hazard in homes and businesses. It wasn't the only dishwasher recall this month. Arizona's immigration law takes effect in July. (Argus Hamilton)

      Starting on July 1, Disney will provide specially-trained free interpreters to help non-English speaking tourists visiting its theme parks. A recent study showed that foreigners often need help locating gift shops to purchase over-priced items they don't need. (Bob Mills)

      A company in California is coming out with a $44,000 mattress. It will be layered with cashmere, mohair, silk, and then on top of that, a moron who paid $44,000 for a mattress. (Jimmy Fallon)

      The new Apple iPhone4 is getting universally good reviews. The best part of the phone is it gets the geeks out of your office while they wait on line for five days to buy it. (Jake Novak)

      Campbell's is recalling 15 million pounds of SpaghettiOs with undercooked meatballs. Uh-oh! (Alex Schubert)

      On Monday, a vintage Wall Street sign sold for $116 thousand in New York. You can tell it’s very old because the words “Wall Street” are written in English and not Chinese. (Jimmy Fallon)

      TRANSPORTATION

      In Connecticut, passengers on a Virgin Atlantic flight had a nightmare situation, where they were kept on a hot plane without food or water for more than four hours. Or as they call that on Delta, “a flight.” (Jimmy Fallon)

      American Airlines says it has found cracks in the mounts that hold engines onto the wings of two of their Boeing 767 jets. They also said if you want a seat that’s far away from the cracks, you’ll now have to pay an extra fee. (Jay Leno)

      CRIME & PUNISHMENT

      The good news for Bernie Madoff's victims is the scammer now says he still has $9 billion worth of their money. The bad news is he put all that money into BP stock. (Jake Novak)

      18-year-old David Haskell of Boston got trapped inside an ATM while allegedly trying to rob it. Police say he climbed on top of a Bank of America ATM, kicked through the drywall ceiling, climbed through it and dropped down inside. Police answered the alarm but didn't see anything amiss until they noticed the ATM shaking. They tried to look inside and saw Haskell staring back at them. *You mean, there's not usually a person in there?" It's probably a good thing that he's already used to being stuck in a small, confining space. (The Comedy Wire)

      A man in Boston was arrested after he tried to rob an ATM, then got stuck inside of it. He’s safe now. But bad news, it wasn’t his bank so he was charged two dollars to take himself out. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A death row inmate from Utah was executed by firing squad. The guy had a choice and he chose a firing squad. The other option was watching “The Bachelorette.” (Jay Leno)

      SECURITY & TERRORISM

      Al-Qaeda issued a videotape saying they will attack America with holy warriors entering the U. S. through Mexico. They just have to send teenaged boys through the land of Mexican beer, legalized drugs and Mexican women and see how long they remain religious fanatics. By the time they get into the U. S. they're ready to pledge Sigma Nu. (Argus Hamilton)

      THE MILITARY

      President Barack Obama sacked his loose-lipped Afghanistan commander Wednesday over negative comments made by the General in Rolling Stone. And you didn't need a McChrystal ball to see that coming. (RJ Currie)

      Gen. McChrystal was called home from Afghanistan for a private meeting with President Obama. The meeting was very intimate. It was just the president, the general, and the Salahis. (David Letterman)

      President Obama and Gen. Stanley McChrystal are calling it quits. According to the general, they haven’t been intimate in months. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      President Obama said, after firing Gen. McChrystal, that you don’t criticize your bosses. That’s the same reason Obama never says anything bad about the Chinese. (Jay Leno)

      The bad news for McChrystal is he got fired for insulting the president. But the good news is, Fox News said, “we’ll hire him.” (Jay Leno)

      General McChrystal was relieved of his duties because of derogatory comments he made about President Obama and other White House staffers. In fact, when he heard that, Joe Biden was shocked and said: “What? You can get fired for saying something stupid? What? When’d they start that? Is that new?” (Jay Leno)

      NASA & SPACE

      NASA says that there may be 100 times more water on the moon than they thought. There’s so much water that BP is planning to go there and ruin it. (Craig Ferguson)

      With the docking of a Russian space capsule at the International Space Station, there are now 2 women living there full time; the most ever. Alarms immediately began blaring, but everything was OK. It was just the estrogen sensors. Bravo immediately began negotiations on the "Real Housewives of Outer Space" series. (Jerry Perisho)

      EUROPE

      In Rome, laser technology allowed researchers working in ancient catacombs to find the first known images of the apostles Peter and Paul. Theologians became suspicious however when they realized the men were wearing "Go Italy" shirts and blowing vuvuzelas. (Jerry Perisho))

      Sweden's Crown Princess Victoria married her fitness trainer Daniel Westling in a Stockholm cathedral. Royalty in attendance included Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands, Prince Albert of Monaco, the Earl and Countess of Wessex, Queen Latifa and Larry King. (Bob Mills)

      ASIA

      You may be as shocked as I was to find that the "made in China" labels are now made in Viet-Nam. Just when does this outsourcing stop? (Jerry W.)

      SCIENCE

      Archaeologists have found a 35,000 year old musical wind instrument in Germany. Experts speculate as to its origins. It may have been used in Wayne Newton's first band. (Alan Ray)

      Two Canadian researchers have created a new 'smart clothing' that can assess the wearer's mood. They say biosensors in the fabric wirelessly send data on 16 emotional indicators - including temperature, heart rate and breathing. After an initial trial they thought it was a flop, but later realized the mistake was testing it on Leafs' manager Brian Burke. (RJ Currie)

      HEALTH

      The Department of Health issued a warning about marijuana potency Monday. They say today's pot is much stronger than in the Seventies. It was only a matter of time before some ingenious marijuana grower thought of cross-breeding it with steroids. (Argus Hamilton)

      Researches have discovered male fat is different from female fat. Male fat thinks it looks fine when it sucks in its stomach. (comedy writer Alex Kaseberg)

      WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

      A magnitude 7.2 earthquake that hit southern California on Easter moved the city of Calexico 2-1/2 feet to the south. If you had money in the Bank of Calexico that was located right on the border, each dollar you had on deposit is now worth 12 cents. (Jerry Perisho)

      SPORTS

      At Wimbledon, an American and a Frenchman had the longest-running match in history, which is running into its third day. By the time they’re finished, Wimbledon will have been over for six months. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Wimbledon Tennis continues. The marathon match between Isner and Mahut was really amazing. Brits haven’t seen anything drag on this long since Amy Winehouse’s last rehab. (Alan Ray)

      The Wimbledon match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut is heading into its third day. And it will go down in history as one of the most seemingly endless events ever. The players may not get an invitation to meet President Obama, but they've already received an offer to chat with Joe Biden. (Janice Hough)

      American John Isner beat Frenchman Nicolas Mahat in the longest Wimbledon match ever, lasting more than eleven hours. The biggest problem was finding enough replacement ball boys and girls so they didn't violate child labor law working hours. (Jim Barach)

      I was watching the Wimbledon match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut when a Lakers-Celtics score broke out. (RJ Currie)

      Starting next year, golfers who rank among the top 20 in tournament wins will be required by the PGA to play a minimum number of televised tournaments per season. With a few exceptions. For instance, a paternity suit that leads on "Extra!" is worth two televised tournaments. (Bob Mills)

      On Thursday, Queen Elizabeth II is due to make her first Wimbledon appearance in over 30 years. The last time she was there, she threw out the first ball to start the match that is still going on between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut (Bill Littlejohn)

      The Lakers missed 67.5 percent of their shots and still won Game 7? What, did somebody slip in one of those erratic-flying World Cup soccer balls? (Dwight Perry)

      The Toronto Argonauts surprised many by naming Cleo Lemon their starting quarterback. Coach Jim Barker admits the choice of Lemon is a twist, but saw more polish in Lemon and felt he could handle the daily rind. (RJ Currie)

      Coincidence? NFL suddenly realizes it needs two fewer preseason games at exactly the same time it realizes it needs two more in the regular season. (Dwight Perry)

      Several reports say the man that Hockey Night in Canada host Ron MacLean helped rescue from the Delaware River during the Stanley Cup finals had tape over his mouth. This has given rise to two theories: 2. He had it on when he went in; 1. He put it on when Don Cherry offered mouth-to-mouth. (RJ Currie)

      ATHLETES

      At Wimbledon, John Isner finally won the longest tennis match in history with a 70-68 fifth set win over Nicolas Mahut.Isner will now resume tournament doubles play with his partner, Rod Laver (Bill Littlejohn)

      Anna Kournikova is reportedly back at Wimbledon, teaming up for doubles with Martina Hingis in the veterans' competition. Despite never having won a tennis single's title, Kournikova is still famous for her body of work. (RJ Currie)

      Ron Artest, after starring in the Lakers' Game 7 victory, credited his psychiatrist in a postgame TV interview. In other words, L.A.' s latest title came shrink-wrapped. (Dwight Perry)

      Stephen Strasburg set a major league record with 32 strikeouts in his first three major league starts. And amazingly he did it without facing the Giants and Mariners. (Janice Hough)

      Tiger Woods blamed bumpy greens for his slow start in the U. S. Open Thursday and he blamed his caddie for his weak finish Sunday. He's cranky when he's tired. Tiger Woods looks like he hasn't gotten a good night's sleep since he stopped sleeping around. (Argus Hamilton)

      Californian and world champion eater Joey Chestnut devoured 40 1/2 slices of pizza in ten minutes to set a new world record in the Pizza Hut Chow-lenge. His next big challenge: trying to get a date. (RJ Currie)

      JaMarcus Russell is the first player inducted inthe Raiders' Onion Ring of Honor. (Dwight Perry)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      Hundreds of people are already camping out for the premiere of the new “Twilight” movie. Outside of the theater there’s a line of teenage girls. It’s what Roman Polanski counts to fall asleep every night. (Craig Ferguson)

      Because of the success of "Toy Story 3," Pixar is now rushing ahead with its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies, presented by BP. It's BP presents "Try Finding Nemo Now." (Jay Leno)

      “Knight and Day” is out in theaters this weekend. Tom Cruise is a secret agent on a mission. After several catastrophes, he must finally deliver at the box office. (Alan Ray)

      Auditions have begun for the tenth season of "American Idol" and the minimum age for contestants has been lowered to 15. Producers figured if that's old enough to be married in Mississippi, Alabama and Saudi Arabia, why not? (Bob Mills)

      Universal Studios’ “Harry Potter” theme park opened today. At the front gate, there's a sign that says, "You must be this nerdy to ride this ride." (Jimmy Fallon)

      A new stage version of Tim Burton’s “Edward Scissorhands” had its world premiere in New York. It is the new Swiss Army edition of Edward, so his hands also come with a spork, bottle opener, and ivory toothpick. (Jerry Perisho)

      ENTERTAINERS

      Happy birthday to Paul McCartney. He’s 68 years old, so now when he says he wants to hold your hand, it’s so that he can cross the street. (David Letterman)

      Paul McCartney is 68 today. He’s changing some of the lyrics to his songs, such as, “I wanna hold your cane.” (Craig Ferguson)

      U2 was supposed to play at Glastonbury this year but they had to cancel because lead singer Bono hurt his back. I think it’s because he carries the weight of the world on his tiny leprechaun shoulders. (Craig Ferguson)

      Jerry Seinfeld says he hates Lady Gaga and called her a jerk for making a rude gesture with her finger at New York Mets fans. The most shocking thing about this is that there are actually Mets fans. (Israel Carrasco)

      Megan Fox has a new tattoo on her ribs in honor of Mickey Rourke. Sorry, but I'm one of those people who believes skin art is ugly, and disgusting. So I think ALL tattoos honor Mickey Rourke. (Frank King)

      Lady Gaga visited the New York Yankee clubhouse dressed in stiletto heels, fishnet stockings, bikini bottoms, bra and an unbuttoned Yankee jersey. Pretty much the same outfit Adam Lambert wore when he came. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Since Carly Simon is turning 65 this weekend, the song "Nobody Does It Better" is now the theme song for Metamucil. (Jerry Perisho)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Kim Kardashian will be in Calgary for Stampede week where she'll host a party at Flames Central. Kim is not expected to invite former flame Reggie Bush. (RJ Currie)

      Warren Buffett and Bill Gates are starting a campaign to get the world's billionaires to give away at least half their wealth. Don't we already have that? It's called getting divorced. (Jim Barach)

      THE MEDIA

      The former New York governor Eliot Spitzer and the conservative Washington Post columnist Kathleen Parker will co-host a new show on CNN. It's called "'John' and Kate at 8." (Paul Seaburn)

      HISTORY

      It was the 36th anniversary of the Watergate scandal, when the Republicans broke into the Democratic headquarters looking for their long-term plans and strategies. It also marks the last time anyone thought the Democrats had a plan worth stealing. (Jay Leno)

      Some people think that Stonehenge was built to attract aliens, which may be the reason we’ve never seen aliens. If you travel across space, you’re not going to be too impressed with Stonehenge. (Craig Ferguson)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      A recent study of sexually active high school students indicates that the rhythm method is gradually becoming their preferred mode of birth control. Who would have dreamed that the "Vatican Mambo" would ever catch on in the Bible Belt? (Bob Mills)

      A rich woman in Miami died and left $3 million to her pet Chihuahua and only $1 million to her son. Guys, the next time your mom says, “sit down and roll over,” just do it. (Jay Leno)

      A couple in California got married at Home Depot. I hope they find happiness, because you can’t find anything else at Home Depot. (David Letterman)

      A study says that only 13 percent of the meals in American homes are prepared by men. And even then they're usually served by the Burger King, Ronald McDonald or the Colonel. (Jim Barach)

      A study says that kids like cartoon branded snacks better than others. The favorites so far seem to be SpongeBob, the Flintstones and Joe Camel. (Jim Barach)

      A 56 year old Tennessee man has won the AARP Spelling Bee. He was able to correctly spell all twelve of the prescription drugs he is currently taking. (Jim Barach)

      People who have seen the house that a California woman built from an old 747 say it looks terrific. Well, except for the washrooms, which are really small and way, way at the back. (RJ Currie)

      HOLIDAYS

      Father’s Day just keeps getting bigger every year, thanks to DNA testing. (Jay Leno)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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