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Weakly Humerus News 05-29-10

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  • Stan Kegel
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-29-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK Phoenix, Ariz. is getting its first-ever Hispanic bishop. He will be appointed
    Message 1 of 1 , May 29, 2010
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      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-29-10
      AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

      TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

      Phoenix, Ariz. is getting its first-ever Hispanic bishop. He will be appointed July 19, and then deported July 20. (Jay Leno)

      Well, here's the latest on the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. The chief U. S. oversight official for offshore drilling has now resigned. Ironically — you know how the news got out? It leaked. (Jay Leno)

      They’ve just noticed that the planet Jupiter is missing one of its rings. They should try looking in Uranus. (Craig Ferguson)

      BP is having its corporate retreat next month. I hear its gonna be a real blowout. (Marc Ragovin)

      The Canadiens' stunning Game 7 upset of the Penguins — a No. 8 seed eliminating the defending champion — in Pittsburgh might be destined for the big screen. It was a true underdog story like those old 'Road' movies with Bing and Bob, only this time Crosby had no hope. (RJ Currie)

      The Pulitzer Prize for fiction was handed out today, given to Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal for his Vietnam War memoir. ((Jay Leno)

      Democratic congressman of New York, Eric Massa, resigned after sexually harassing a male staff member, now Indiana Republican congressman Mark Souder resigns after having an affair with a female staff member. Wait, I'm confused, I thought Democrat male politicians had affairs with women and Republican male politicians had affairs with men. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Lawrence Taylor is claiming he was in the hotel room with an underage prostitute only to pleasure himself. Which, if you ask women, is the approach most men take to sex. (RJ Currie)

      Sarah Palin built a 14-foot high wooden fence around her Alaska home because an author who is writing a book about her moved in next door. But rest easy, because the wood had a knothole and she can still keep an eye on the Russians. (Jerry Perisho)

      The Indy 500 is Sunday. Why do so many identify with this race? Because in order to get your car properly serviced, you often have to go ‘round in circles. (Alan Ray)

      Venus Williams stunned the crowd at the French Open by wearing a tennis dress that appeared to be a see-through negligee. It's so revealing you can see all of Venus's moons. (Alex Kaseberg)

      South Africa's Drug Authority estimates 40,000 prostitutes will visit the country for Soccer's World Cup. This should offset the lack of scoring on the field. (RJ Currie)

      Whoever said "Practice makes perfect?" It certainly wasn't anyone who's been following the University of Michigan football team. (Janice Hough)

      Woman accuses Gene Simmons of sexual assult, claims she has suffered humiliation, shame, embarrassment, anger, anxiety, loss of sleep, depression, and other normal signs of having contact with Gene Simmons. (Yahoo News)

      THE OIL SPILL

      The Gulf of Mexico oil leak is now classified as the worst spill on record. That's if you don't count Monica Lewinsky's dress. (Jerry Perisho)

      British Petroleum is still trying to minimize the P. R. damage. You know what they said today? They said all the oil that spilled this month is on the house. No charge (Jay Leno)

      According to the top people in the petroleum industry, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico will not affect gas prices. They were going up anyway. (Jay Leno)

      One in 8 people are saying that they will not buy gas from BP any more. That is, unless they’re cheaper than the gas station across the street. (Jay Leno)

      BP's C. E.O. said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the "very big ocean." That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat. (Jimmy Fallon)

      They’re saying now that the currents may carry the oil up the East Coast as far as the Carolinas. In fact, people in North Carolina say they haven’t seen anything that slick and slimy since John Edwards’ campaign. (Jay Leno)

      At a conference of oil leak experts in Washington, attendees proposed plugging the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico with executives of BP. (Andy Borowitz)

      The crude oil keeps spreading. This is very bad for the birds. In one week the summer heat will arrive and we can use the Gulf of Mexico to fry chicken. (Argus Hamilton)

      How about that oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico — or as they renamed it, the “Dead Sea.” (David Letterman)

      British Petroleum (BP), having failed at each of its previous twenty-six attempts to stop oil flowing from bungled drilling, believes their co-development with Johnson & Johnson of a giant tampon shows great promise, particularly on heavy flow days. (PNN News)

      I'm tired of the BP people using the word "top" to give the illusion they're competent: "Top Hat," "Top Kill” Next they turn to their main man in charge of the spill: Carrot Top (Israel Carrasco)

      After several failed attempts to stem the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico, BP has begun pumping mud and cement into the breach, a process known in the industry as "top kill." Not to be confused with that unidentified thing on Donald Trump's head. (Bob Mills)

      The Gulf oil disaster is bad. The spill is so oily, so slimy, so putrid, so disgusting it is going to guest star on "Real Housewives of Orange County." (Alex Kaseberg)

      They tried a big dome to stop the leak and that didn’t work, and then they tried a little dome and that didn’t work, and then they tried to stuff the hole with garbage. Now they’re talking about dumping lettuce and croutons into the Gulf and declaring it a giant salad. (Jay Leno)

      The US Congress declared May 25 "National Tap Dance Day". It's in honor of BP explaining their next idea to stop the oil leak. (Jerry Perisho)

      PRESIDENT OBAMA

      President Obama said he’s angry and frustrated with the oil spill in the Gulf and the oil companies behind it. He said he’s tired of all the finger-pointing — then he blamed the Bush administration for everything. (Jay Leno)

      While speaking at the White House last week, a rodent ran in front of President Obama as he stood at a podium. We're note sure if it was a mouse, a rat or even a mole, but if you watch "24," you're probably thinking it was a mole. (Tim Hunter)

      President Barack Obama suggested in an interview that LeBron James would fit in well with the Chicago Bulls. Obama is the right person to talk about free agents as he might become one after 2012. (Pedro Bartes)

      THE ADMINISTRATION

      Attorney General Eric Holder has said that he may sue Arizona for their new immigration law, though he admitted that he had not read the law yet. That didn’t stop them from passing healthcare. (Jay Leno)

      CONGRESS

      They put a cap on ATM transaction fees, though a lot of the senators didn’t want to discuss it because they’ve never used an ATM. The Senate has mobile cash machines — they’re called “lobbyists.” (Jimmy Kimmel)

      THE COURTS

      The Supreme Court declared that sex offenders can be held indefinitely, even after their sentence is complete if they are considered dangerous — unless they won an Oscar or they have a lot of friends that are celebrities. (Jay Leno)

      Elena Kagan is the new Supreme Court nominee. If she’s not confirmed, she is a Mets fan, so she’s used to disappointment. (David Letterman)

      THE STATES & LOCAL NEWS

      Marijuana growers in California are concerned about falling prices in the state. Apparently they are asking for subsidies from businesses that benefit from the crop, especially Mrs. Fields and Pizza Hut. (Jake Novak)

      A Philadelphia woman hid in a funeral home's display coffin to escape from the police. Officers described her as "embalmed and dangerous." (Jerry Perisho)

      A Montana man has admitted that he killed a bald eagle, but his alibi is he thought it was a porcupine. How blind do you have to be to mistake a bald eagle for a porcupine? Anyway, the guy pleaded guilty so he could get back to his regular job inspecting oil rigs. (Jay Leno)

      Some New Yorkers are outraged over a plan to build a mosque just blocks from the World Trade Center site. There hasn't been such controversy since the caterer for the Titanic survivors reunion decided to go with the ice sculpture motif. (Marc Ragovin)

      A high school baseball player in Bristol, Virginia, exposed himself and urinated on the field during the national anthem. Someone needs to tell this boy the first line of the Star-Spangled Banner is not "O! say, can you pee." (RJ Currie)

      Remember that 87-year-old Florida woman who was arrested for selling crack? They still haven't booked her yet, they can't find a police officer who will strip search an 87-year-old woman. (Alex Kaseberg)

      U.S.POLITICS & POLITICIANS

      An Indiana congressman, Mark Souder, was forced to resign because of a sex scandal. Oh, buddy. Here's the score now — Republicans 22, Democrats 17. It's getting closer. (David Letterman)

      Indiana Congressman Mark Souder resigned after admitting he had sex with a part-time female staffer. Apparently, besides their affair, the woman had worked with Souder to produce an abstinence video. Republican party leaders were dismayed to hear of Souder’s transgressions, on the other hand they were intensely relieved that it was a female staffer. (Janice Hough)

      Democrat Pennsylvania Senate nominee Joe Sestak has admitted that the White House offered him a job to drop out of the primary against Arlen Specter. But Sestak was eventually turned down for a cabinet position because he had actually paid all his taxes. (Jake Novak)

      Vaughn Ward, a GOP congressional candidate in Idaho, had already fired his campaign manager after it was found he "borrowed" language from other Republican politicians. Now he gave a speech that at times was word for word the same as President Obama's 2004 Democratic Convention keynote speech. Rumor has it Ward was thinking of copying from Sarah Palin too, but he accidentally washed his hands first. (Janice Hough)

      Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, a former Marine Corps Reservists, now claims it was just a matter of misplaced words when he said he served in Vietnam he didn’t really mean he was “in” Vietnam. He claimed he just mean that he served his country. Surprised he didnt say “It depends on what the definition of “in” is. (Janice Hough)

      Attorney General Richard Blumenthal of Connecticut meant to say he served during Vietnam, not in Vietnam. Yeah, me too. In 1974, I was a waiter. (Will Durst)

      Well, a very embarrassing moment for Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who was running for the Senate. You know, he's the guy that lied about his war record. I guess that he was overheard telling his wife after the campaign, "Let's take a vacation and go somewhere I've never been." And she said, "Hey, how about Vietnam?" Awkward. (Jay Leno)

      Nikki Haley, the Republican front runner to replace Governor Mark Sanford in South Carolina, is facing allegations of her own. Namely from a conservative blogger who claims the two had an affair several years ago. If these allegations are true for the married family values candidate, it could be one small misstep for a woman, one giant leap in hypocrisy for womankind. (Janice Hough)

      First, Rand Paul said he didn't like the Civil Rights Act. Next, Rand Paul said President Obama was being mean to British Petroleum. Next, will Kentucky voters rue Paul? (Bill Williams)

      BUSINESS & LABOR

      Shell Oil announced that they plan this summer to start drilling in the Arctic this summer. What could possibly go wrong? I mean, honestly. Go ahead, go nuts. Just drill. (David Letterman)

      Wal-Mart has recalled Miley Cyrus jewelry because of toxins. Most expressed shock at the news. Usually it's her music that can make you sick. (Alan Ray)

      The CEO of McDonalds says clown mascot Ronald will not be forced into retirement. Customers will notice he’s aged a bit. His sesame seed buns are all wrinkled. (Alan Ray)

      YaoKustoms has released a running shoe called the ‘Just Did It’ Tiger Woods Supra Hi. They feature a large image of Elin wielding a club, smaller images of Woods' alleged mistresses, and Tiger on one ankle. There's a perfect match - Tiger and a sneaker - but shouldn't he be the heel? (RJ Currie)

      IMMIGRATION & SECURITY

      President Obama announced yesterday he plans to send 1,200 troops to the U. S.-Mexican border. You know who we should hire to protect our border? It's so simple. Mexicans. They want jobs, they're there already. (Jay Leno)

      Arizona Gov. Janice Brewer has requested predator drones from the White House to patrol the border region with Mexico. Obama apologized and said that at this moment he is using all of them to protect their daughters from the Jonas Brothers. (Pedro Bartes)

      THE MILITARY

      The good news is the U. S. government is about to allow openly gay people to serve in the military. The bad news is we can't afford to pay them. (Jake Novak)

      UNITED NATIONS & WORLD COURT

      United Nations experts have announced that the world's oceans may lose all their fish by the year 2050. Sorry, Charlie. (Bill Mihalic)

      MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

      There was a big state dinner at the White House last night in honor of Mexican President Felipe Calderón. The Mexican president pointed out that he and President Obama have a lot in common. He said they are both presidents of two beautiful countries, they're both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people. (Jay Leno)

      Gang unrest has broken out in Jamaica. It's changed life on this resort island. Many bars feature 3 types of cocktails. Pina colada, hurricane, and Molotov. (Alan Ray)

      Mexican President Felipe Calderon lashed out at Arizona over their immigration law. He said that Mexicans should boycott sneaking into this country until that law is repealed. (Jay Leno)

      CANADA

      A Canadian ecologist says that the world's largest beaver dam, located in northern Alberta, is so large it was recently seen from space. In honour of the discoverer, they will call it the Mark Cuban dam. (RJ Currie)

      GREAT BRITAIN

      Dutchess of York Sarah Ferguson has been caught on tape trying to sell access to her ex-husband, Prince Andrew, for $800,000. It's a shocking story, because no one can believe anyone would pay more than 5 bucks to meet Prince Andrew. (Jake Novak)

      A woman in Britain is selling wallabies as a good alternative to lawnmowers. They say the wallabies work just as well as regular mowers — until you get drunk and try to ride one of them into town. (Jimmy Fallon)

      When asked about religion this conservative politician responded "I am a Christian, I go to church, I believe in God, but I do not have a direct line." And he added "my politics is not faith-driven." In England, David Cameron was just elected Prime Minister. In the U. S. he probably would lose in the Republican primary. (Janice Hough)

      EUROPE

      And because of Greece's impending bankruptcy, many countries in Europe are demanding that Greece change their laws that allow workers to retire as early as age 50. Actually, in our country, there's a place that forces women to retire when they hit 40. It's called Hollywood. (Jay Leno)

      SCIENCE & HEALTH

      Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico. (Jay Leno)

      So there's the guy who's going to make a jump from high altitude and break the speed of sound. He's literally going to fall down and go BOOM! (Matt)

      Scientists aren't the only ones speechless over the news that Jupiter is suddenly missing one of its humongous rings. "No comment," said Kobe Bryant. (Dwight Perry)

      A new study found that a certain species of fish has a gene that can cause STDs in humans. So if you get an embarrassing STD, you now have the perfect excuse — just say you got it from that trout you slept with. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Scientists in Maryland and California were able to turn inanimate chemicals into a living organism. These were the same geeks in high school who were told "get a life." (Israel Carrasco)

      A new study shows that fathers can suffer a form of postpartum depression after their child is born, especially if they're John Edwards, (Jay Leno)

      SPORTS

      The new Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey will host the first cold weather outdoor Super Bowl in 2014. But Al Gore predicts that global warming will raise the temperature to 80 degrees by kickoff. (Bill Littlejohn)

      The San Francisco Giants, losers of another 1-0 game today, have just scheduled Sir Paul McCartney for a concert at A T and T Park right before the All-Star Break. It might be the only time this year San Francisco fans can count on seeing some hits. (Janice Hough)

      The 2014 Super Bowl will be held in February outdoors at the new Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey. It is guaranteed to be colder than the Nets' 3-point shooting. Players won't even have heat coming off the bodies buried in the end zone to keep them warm. (comedy writer Jerry Perisho)

      The Suns' best playoff hope against the Lakers is tough defense, an efficient fast break, and making Pau Gasol stop to produce his papers. (Jerry Perisho)

      Press release from the San Francisco Giants: The team wishes to make one thing clear – despite rumors they do indeed believe they can hit water if they fall out of a boat. (Janice Hough)

      The Cincinnati Reds honored Willie Mays, Billie Jean King and Harry Belafonte on Human Rights Night before Saturday's home game. They had to be flown in from Los Angeles. Baseball would have honored the three before a game at Dodger Stadium, but Dodger fans don't arrive til the third inning and it would have looked like a boycott. (Argus Hamilton)

      A game between the Chicago Cubs and L.A. Dodgers was delayed for 18 minutes in top of the fourth when a nearby fire caused the Wrigley Field lights to go out. I'm surprised cubs fans noticed; usually by the 4th inning they have their eyes closed. (RJ Currie)

      Several soccer stars - including Cristiano Ronaldo of Portugal, Didier Drogba of the Ivory Coast and Landon Donovan of the U.S. - appear in a special World Cup issue of Vanity Fair wearing only briefs patterned after each player's national flag. Talk about having the support of your country. (RJ Currie)

      Good news for hockey fans in Phoenix; Glendale wants to keep the Coyotes for 2010. The bad news: by then Arizona will have deported all the Canadian and European players. (RJ Currie)

      A rally driver who was leading a race in New Zealand is upset that a mooning bystander caused him to lose control of his car and crash. What's the big deal? He's not the first driver to get knocked out of a race after being rear-ended. (RJ Currie)

      ATHLETES

      Brett Favre told the Southern Mississippi University baseball team that if they make it to the College World Series, he'll play for one more year. Favre also told the Chicago Cubs that if they make it to the Major League World Series, he'll finally retire. (Bill Littlejohn)

      "Quarterback hits" are something Ben Roethlisberger needs to avoid, in more ways than one. (Dwight Perry)

      Ex-sprint star Marion Jones played three minutes in her WNBA debut. She thinks by the end of the season she can shave another minute off that. (Greg Connors)

      Raiders washout JaMarcus Russell completed 354 passes and banked $39 million — or $110,169.49 per completion. If Peyton Manningw ere paid at the same rate, he'd have earned $466 million by now. And Brett Favre would have topped $670 million. (Tom Weir)

      What do you call it when Edwin Encarnacion returns from the Blue Jays DL and hits a home run in his first at-bat? Re-Encarnacion. (RJ Currie)

      Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn is golden again having been named Victoria Secret's Sexiest Athlete. Julia Mancuso has demanded a recount. Evgeni Plushenko has awarded himself platinum. (RJ Currie)

      Tiger Woods and swing coach Hank Haney have parted ways. Apparently Tiger and Haney had a big disagreement over the definition of the word 'swinging'. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Tiger Woods says he will compete in the British Open. Word is he's looking to score a lot of birds. (RJ Currie)

      Tiger Woods reportedly has been told not to date until his divorce is final. Fortunately he got most of that out of his system while he was still married. (Jake Novak)

      Venus Williams stunned the crowd at the French Open by wearing a tennis dress that appeared to be a see-through negligee. Venus's clothing line, EleVen's goal is to create tennis dresses that can also be used off the court. So, apparently, off the court Venus is a hooker. (Alex Kaseberg)

      Texans linebacker Brian Cushing tested positive for a female fertility drug: He'll be a 2-way player next season. Not only will he star on defense, he'll also start as a cheerleader. (Alan Ray)

      Dwayne Bowe, former first round draft pick, told ESPN the magazine that his rookie year the team "imported" a number of women they had met on social networking sites to stay at a San Diego hotel during a road trip. Well, it's hard to believe it's possible, but yes, he might end up a more embarassing first-round pick than JaMarcus Russell. (Janice Hough)

      Drew Storen, less than a year removed from pitching for Stanford, got not only his first major league win this week, but a hit in his first at bat. Damn shame he didnt get drafted by the Giants. He could bat cleanup. At this point the Giants lineup is so punchless, management is thinking of trying to bring in a temporary professional soccer tenant. So at least the home fans could see some scoring. (Janice Hough)

      New York Knicks forward Wilson Chandler was in possession of a bag of marijuana when cops stopped his car in New York. Chandler explained he has a chronic problem that requires medical marijuana; he plays for the Knicks. (Jerry Perisho)

      Formula One driver Fernando Alonsa got his thumbs insured for $13.33 million, the most costly thumbs since Tiger Woods got into sexting. (RJ Currie)

      A 13 year old American teen has become the youngest person to ever climb Mt. Everest. He will next attempt an even more challenging expedition. Talk to a girl. (Alan Ray)

      If actions speak louder than words, then Jarad Allen of the Vikings has some advice for men contemplating marriage. Mullet over. (RJ Currie)

      ENTERTAINMENT

      The Top 500 songs of all time were named by Rolling Stone Magazine, with 'Satisfaction' by the Rolling Stones coming in at No. 2 and 'Like A Rolling Stone' by Bob Dylan taking the top spot. In that survey, wouldn't you say that the top two had a bit of a home field advantage? (Bill Littlejohn)

      Well, the final episode of "Lost" aired Sunday night. And sadly, the oil leak in the Gulf has been renewed for another season. The U. S. Navy announced they are now using sea lions to fight terrorism. They did a drill this week where they hid a bomb underwater. A trained sea lion found the bomb in less than a minute. The bad news? He then balanced the bomb on his nose, threw it back at the trainer. (Jay Leno)

      The Cartoon Network is planning an anti-bullying campaign. The goal is to teach children the correct way to deal with bullies. First, you hit them on the head with an oversized hammer, throw them off a cliff and then blow them up with an exploding cigar. (Jim Barach)

      “Sex and the City 2” is out this weekend. In this sequel, a lot of things are left up in the air. Like, these women’s ankles. (Alan Ray)

      Shrek Forever After is being described as a cartoon version of It's a Wonderful Life in which Mike Meyers as the lovable ogre wonders what the lives of those around him would have been like without him. Cameron Diaz would have been traded to the Yankees for Kate Hudson, Antonio Bandares would be hosting a bowling show on Telemundo and Eddie Murphy would still be churning out clunkers like Golden Child and Dr. Doolittle. (Bob Mills)

      ENTERTAINERS

      Britney Spears wants her body cryogenically frozen so she can be brought back to life later. Just what she needs: another meltdown. (Bill Littlejohn)

      I heard that Paul McCartney invited the Jonas Brothers to his tribute at the White House next Wednesday because he thinks of them as the next Beatles. The Jonases were like, "Oh, man, that is so nice of you — who are the Beatles?". (Jimmy Fallon)

      Leonard Nimoy, who played Spock in the original "Star Treks", announced that he is retiring from show business. Seeking possession of his iconic pointy ears were the TV Hall of Fame, the Smithsonian Museums, and former heavyweight boxer Evander Holyfield. (Jerry Perisho)

      British singer Cheryl Cole has filed for divorce from English World Cup player Ashley Cole amid allegations he was unfaithful. This is the same Cheryl Crow who beat out Megan Fox and Marisa Miller for top spot on FHM magazine's hottest 100 women. I think Ashley has been playing way too many headers. (RJ Currie)

      Brett Michaels was declared the winner of "Celebrity Apprentice". After an emergency appendectomy, hemorrhage and stroke, how much better prepared can someone be to work for Donald Trump? (Jim Barach)

      Las Vegas magician David Copperfield is no longer facing a sexual assault lawsuit after his female accuser dropped her claims Wednesday. He's free of all charges. An hour after his name was cleared, Ben Roethlisberger called and offered him a million dollars for the trick. (Argus Hamilton)

      OTHER CELEBRITIES

      Jesse James says he's probably the most hated man in the world. And the C. E.O. of B. P. was like, "Dude, don't flatter yourself." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Jesse James apologized to Sandra Bullock on "Good Morning America," and then he apologized again on "Nightline." He was planning to apologize again on "Wife Swap," but decided against it. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A judge has ordered Lindsay Lohan to wear an alcohol detector. She said, “Great. This will help me find alcohol?” (Jay Leno)

      Khloe Kardashian, wife of L.A. Laker Lamar Odom, and her sisters Kim and Kourtney, posed for an upcoming cover of Vegas Magazine wearing swimsuits Kim says reveal extra areas of skin. They are still a lot more covered than Odom has been against the Suns. (RJ Currie)

      Hope Dworaczyk, Jason Kidd's former girlfriend, is the Playboy's 2010 Playmate of the Year. In other words, both know their way around the Staples Center. (Dwight Perry)

      Controversy swirled around Miss USA this week when it was learned she is a pole dancer. Apparently she wanted to end world hunger one $20 bill at a time. (Bill Williams)

      Octomom Nadya Suleman has a PETA sign in her front yard that encourages people to have their pets spayed or neutered. Isn’t that kind of like BP putting out a sign that says "Don't pee in the pool?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      The inventor of the A. T.M. machine just died. His funeral will be free and open to the public; however, non-church members may be charged a fee by their regular places of worship. (Janice Hough)

      THE MEDIA

      Fox News is launching a Web site this fall aimed at the Latino population. Latinos were like, 'Wait, what is Fox News aiming at? (Jimmy Fallon)

      EDUCATION

      A report says the percentage of high poverty schools is rising. It's getting so bad that teachers are having to buy their own condoms when they go out on dates with the students. (Jake Novak)

      RELIGION

      Moishe Rosen, the man who founded Jews for Jesus, has died. Boy, is he doing a lot of explaining now. (Marc Ragovin)

      HISTORY

      The faces on Mt. Rushmore are being recorded with a 3D laser scan for documentation and preservation. As long as they are at it with the laser, Thomas Jefferson has also been asking for an eye tuck. (Jim Barach)

      CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

      A couple were cheered after having sex in the public restroom at a San Francisco Giant baseball game. It was a pleasant surprise for Giant fans to see someone actually score. (Jim Barach)

      The Miss USA beauty pageant is under fire again for judging contestants based on their answers to politically charged questions. The Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan has been too busy to address this issue, as she is vigorously training for the swimsuit portion of her Senate confirmation hearing. (Clint Thatcher)

      HOLIDAYS

      Memorial Day is the day we honor military heroes with a mattress blowout sale at Sleepy's. (David Letterman)

      Tuesday, in case you missed it, was National Tap Dancing Day. Baseball fans celebrated by watching C-SPAN reruns of Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa testifying before Congress. (Dwight Perry)

      POLLS & SURVEYS

      According to a recent survey by iVillage.com, 41% of women would rather catch up on sleep than have sex with their husband. Why does it have to be either/or? My wife does both things at the same time. (Pedro Bartes)

      A survey says that one in five kids lives within a half mile of a park where they can get some exercise. The other four live within six feet of the couch. (Jim Barach)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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