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Weakly Humerus News 05-01-10

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  • Stan
    WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-01-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK If you re planning on celebrating Cinco de Mayo in Arizona this year, might want
    Message 1 of 1 , May 1, 2010
      WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-01-10


      If you're planning on celebrating Cinco de Mayo in Arizona this year, might want to change your plans. (Jay Leno)

      Earl Woods' last words to his son Tiger "Focus on golf. F*ck everything else." (Ray Di Fazio)

      All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian. (Pat Paulsen)

      The difference between Goldman Sachs of New York and Iceland's Eyjafjallajokull volcano is the trouble in Iceland was caused by just one ash hole. (RJ Currie)

      The Braves have lost eight in a row, the Hawks are on the brink of elimination. Last time Atlanta had a week this bad, General Sherman was involved. (Janice Hough)

      The Yankees' Andy Pettitte looked like the Andy Pettitte of old, when he was young. (Tori Hunter)

      The recently completed World Beer Cup - the largest beer competition ever with 3,300 beers entered - has been called the Olympics of beer. Maybe because gold medallists are those best able to finish a head. (RJ Currie)

      Washington Capitals center Eric Belanger lost seven teeth after getting whacked by an opponent's stick. Not to worry — Washington's dental plan covers the Caps. (Bill Littlejohn)

      The White House was quite a change for the Yankees, going from the house that Ruth built to the house that Bush wrecked. (David Letterman)

      The New York Yankees turned their first triple play since 1968, if you don't count Alex Rodriguez dating Madonna, Kate Hudson and Cameron Diaz, back-to-back-to-back. (Jerry Perisho)

      The top executive from Goldman Sachs testified before Congress today, which proves that crooks always return to the scene of the crime. (Jay Leno)
      CBS has announced a new show: "Celebrity Survivor." In the first episode, George Lopez, Cheech Marin and Michelle Rodriguez will all try to walk through downtown Phoenix without ID and not be deported. (Tim Hunter)

      A dog named Meatball has been named the Most Beautiful Bulldog in an Iowa contest. "Most Beautiful Bulldog" is one of those oxymorons like "Larry King Live. " (Gary B.)

      According to the Census Bureau, about 72 percent of United States households have completed and sent in their 2010 census forms. Here's my question: If the census isn't finished yet, how does it know? (Paul Seaburn)


      Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed the nation's toughest anti-immigration bill into law. It's unbelievable. It makes it a crime as a state law to be in the country illegally. It lets police question anyone about their status. You know what this means? Rich people in Arizona may have to start raising their own children now. (Jay Leno)

      They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million. (David Letterman)

      It's an unbelievable law. And it's already starting to backfire. Today, a group of Native Americans pulled over a bunch of white guys and said, "Let's see your papers." (Jay Leno)

      So we have persons of European extraction in Arizona telling native American peoples, that is, Mexicans of Indian extraction, to go back where they come from. (Tornado Foods)

      Arizona adopted a law allowing cops to detain and deport anybody they think is an illegal alien. Some people say it gives the police too much discretion and they may be right. The first ten thousand people deported to Mexico were African-Americans. (Argus Hamilton)

      PHOENIX - A new law that requires police to question people about their immigration status if they suspect they are in the country illegally should help curb the flow of illegal Irish, Polish and Swedish immigrants through U. S. borders, say supporters. (CAP News)

      The Mexican government warned its citizens about visiting Arizona. Meanwhile, the maker of Uzi machine guns warned people about the dangers of Daisy BB rifles. (Jerry Perisho)

      Arizona has passed the strictest immigration bill in American history. A hundred people have been stopped already — and that was just in one van. (Jay Leno)

      As you know, Arizona recently passed the toughest anti-immigration bill in American history. The idea behind this bill is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles. (Jay Leno)

      This week Arizona signed the toughest illegal immigration law in the country, which would allow the police to demand identification papers from anyone they suspect is in the country illegally. I know there are some people in Arizona worried that Obama is acting like Hitler, but can we all agree that there's nothing more Nazi than saying, "Show me your papers?" (Seth Meyers)

      Arizona has a tough new immigration law. They're saying it's not all about keeping Mexicans south of the border. So today, government agents were out looking for Dutch people. (David Letterman)

      Arizona is very defensive about its new immigration law. They said, "Wait a minute. This is just not about Mexicans." So earlier today, they were out rounding up Swedes and Finns. (Jay Leno)

      Mexico has issued a travel warning to citizens against traveling to Arizona. The Mexican Government is telling its people if they want to sneak into the U. S., do it in California or Texas. (Jim Barach)

      Arizona has recently passed the toughest immigration law in history. The idea behind it is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles. (Jay Leno)

      I called the governor's office in Arizona today, and the recorded message said press one for English, press two for English, press three for English. (Jay Leno)

      This new law is pretty strict. You can't use the slogan "what can brown do for you? " anymore. Can't even use that. Ironically, after they passed this new law, you know how they celebrated at the statehouse? Shots of tequila. (Jay Leno)

      The Vancouver Canucks and Phoenix Coyotes could end up meeting in the NHL playoffs this year. Does this mean that the Arizona cops will be hanging around the arena questioning every fan entering with a Canucks jersey? (Janice Hough)

      Well, as you know, Arizona has passed the strictest immigration law in the country, and in response, the mayor of San Francisco is pushing for a boycott of the state of Arizona. This could be devastating to gay rodeos. (Jay Leno)

      Mexico's President Felipe Calderon condemned Arizona's new immigration law, describing it as "a measure which opens the door to intolerance, hate, and discrimination." Calderon promised that his government would challenge the law using all available means, including the closure of El Pollo Loco and the diplomatic recall of Paul Rodriguez, Cheech, Chong and Jay Lo. (Bob Mills)

      Former CNN host Lou Dobbs has also thrown his support behind the measure, noting that it may finally slow the spread of leprosy brought into America by illegal Mexican immigrants. "One in three Americans now has leprosy caught from a Mexican illegal," said Dobbs. "I swear I did not just make that up off the top of my head." (CAP News)

      They're not the only ones boycotting. Today, Mexican gangs are threatening to cut off the state's drug supply. (Jay Leno)


      President Obama gave a speech about his plans to reform Wall Street. In an embarrassing moment, the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security and had to empty his pockets and five Republican senators fell out. (Jay Leno)

      The Senate held hearings on what role Goldman Sachs played in the mortgage meltdown of 2008. They allegedly sold bad mortgages to their clients and then bet against them to make profits for themselves. I think that's what the "American Idol" judges are doing to us this season with these crappy singers. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Goldman Sachs executives are testifying before a Senate committee; these guys are sneaky, ten minutes into the hearings and five Senators bought shares of the Pennsylvania Ave Bridge. (Alex Kaseberg)

      The SEC decided to sue Goldman Sachs for shortselling mortgage securities they were selling to other customers. It's not illegal to sell investors a deal that's destined to fail. The employees in Wrigley Field's box office were happy to hear that. (Argus Hamilton)

      What's the problem (with Godman Sachs)? There's nothing illegal about selling customers a product designed to fail. The Chicago Cubs do it every year. Are they going to jail? (Stephen Colbert)

      The Goldman Sachs hearings on Capitol Hill dragged on for almost 11 hours Tuesday. It went on so long that Goldman made $2 billion by taking bets on which Senators would fall asleep first. (Jake Novak)

      So today you had lawyers, congressmen and bankers in the same room. That's like the trifecta of lying. (Jay Leno)

      During a Goldman Sachs hearing yesterday, Sen. Carl Levin used the S-word 11 times on live television when quoting an e-mail. Which begs the question — if a guy swears on C-SPAN and there's no one watching to hear it, does he really make a sound? (Jimmy Fallon)

      Well, executives from Goldman Sachs were grilled by Congress yesterday. I think they learned their lesson. They said for the next 24 hours, they will not take a single bonus.

      Executives of Goldman Sachs testified before a Senate subcommittee, Tuesday. I haven't seen that much ineffective grilling since I forgot the lighter fluid last Labor Day. (Jerry Perisho)

      Goldman Sachs was ripped by the U. S. Senate Tuesday for making money during the crash by covering both sides of mortgage securities sales. Why the fuss? Under SEC law it's not a crime to sell gasoline and fire extinguishers out of the same station wagon. (Argus Hamilton)

      CBS has a show called "The Mentalist," about a detective with heightened powers of observation. He's so good, he can tell the difference between a Goldman Sachs executive that's a lying crook, and a Goldman Sachs executive that's a lying weasel. (David Letterman)


      Is it really a good thing for President Bush to remind us of the decisions he made? I would have just let people forget. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      George W. Bush's memoir is coming out on Nov. 9. On the cover, Bush is wearing a dark suit and holding a briefing book with his head turned slightly from the camera, or as Bush calls it, "posing all serious-like." (Jimmy Fallon)

      George W. Bush handed his presidential memoir Decision Points to the publisher Monday for release in November. The book should be funny. It's about the twelve toughest decisions he made as president, and three of them were rock, paper, scissors. (Argus Hamilton)

      The book is called "Decision Points," and 1,000 signed copies will be sold for $350 each. Each one says, "Thanks for reading about my decisions — Sincerely, Dick Cheney." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Here, this is good. Going to be ready for you in November. Going to be in bookstores in November. It's George W. Bush's memoir. It's about 14 key decisions that George W. Bush made in his life. For example, his decision to move Jay to 10 p. m. is covered in the book. (David Letterman)


      Pres. Obama's senior advisor has revealed that the President of the United States loves pie. Pi is 3.1416, but Republicans argue that it is excessive and should be reduced during these recessionary times. ( Jerry Perisho)

      The White House moved Thursday to curb Wall Street's derivatives market used by investment bankers to make risk-free millions. You can't prosecute them. They'll just plead innocent in court then hedge their plea by betting against their acquittal. (Argus Hamilton)


      The cover story of this week's Newsweek magazine is about Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and how President Obama sends her out to crack down on misbehaving world leaders. Gee, I wonder where she learned to do that? (Jay Leno)

      President Obama's National Security Adviser James L. Jones apologized for telling an ethnic joke at a speech. Political insiders were shocked — someone said something stupid and inappropriate, and it wasn't Joe Biden? (Jay Leno)

      One SEC employee spent up to eight hours a day looking at porn. And the worst part is, he billed them for 10 hours. (Jay Leno)


      Congress has voted against giving itself a pay raise. They thought giving themselves a pay raise now would be unpopular. I think giving them any pay at all right now is unpopular. (Jay Leno)

      Congress is debating giving Puerto Rico Statehood. Why not? We're keeping Alabama and Mississippi. How much worse could it be? (Jim Barach)

      Congress is considering a $100 billion bailout to help states avoid firing government workers. The money will also be used to preserve other key government workplace programs, like 8-weeks of vacation at the Post Office and nap time at the DMV. (Jake Novak)

      Senator Chuck Schumer of New York called for the federal government to develop a plan to stop drug smuggling from Canada. It's an outrage. Just because he can afford to pay retail for his prescription drugs doesn't mean every senior citizen can.. (Argus Hamilton)

      Four senators want Facebook to tighten privacy settings. No one was worried about fraud or identity theft; Schumer, Bennet, Begin and Franken just weren't proud of their progress in Farmville. (Jim-Bob Williams)


      And we have Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger here tonight. In fact, in a week from now, he'll issue his annual Cinco de Mayo message. Well, see, that shows you how different California is. An Austrian governor who speaks English with a German accent congratulating Spanish-speaking people before they drive their Japanese cars to work in a factory owned by the Chinese. (Jay Leno)

      Arnold Schwarzenegger did TV ads promoting California tourism. The timing must be exact. We have to get the tourists here after the mudslides and before the brushfires or else they'll qualify for free trailers and we'll never get rid of them. (Argus Hamilton)

      Oklahoma has passed a law that forces pregnant women to listen to the heartbeat of their fetuses before they decide to get an abortion. To be fair, the fetuses should also be forced to learn they are going to live in Oklahoma before they decide to be born. (Jake Novak)

      In Alabama, a GOP candidate for governor says, if elected, the state would give driver's license exams only in English. If that's the case, even Alabamans will have to learn that highways are "Slippery when wet," and not "Slicker'n snot on a glass doorknob." (Jerry Perisho)

      Alabama Republican gubernatorial candidate Tim James says "This is Alabama. We speak English" when asked about immigration policy. Actually what he said was "This here's 'Bama, y'all. We'uns and all our kin are talkin' Americun." (Jim Barach)

      A Detroit strip club manager was arrested for employing a 14 year old dancer who was making up to $350 a day. Authorities figured it out when they raided the club and found several one dollar bills caught in her braces. (Jim Barach)

      Detroit is looking to reclaim its agricultural past, with people growing community gardens in abandoned lots. In a related story, flowers were spotted in the Detroit Lions' end zone. (Alex Schubert)

      In Philadelphia, about 7,000 fake Rolex watches were destroyed by a steamroller. On the streets of Philly, you could buy a fake Rolex really cheap; 5 bucks or a pair of 76ers tickets. (Jerry Perisho)

      A doorman strike was narrowly averted in New York City. To which everyone who lost money in the Wall Street mortgage crash is happy to give all those bank executives a brand new doorman for free. For the next 10 to 20 years. (Jim Barach)

      A funeral home in Puerto Rico propped up the body of a dead man on a motorcycle for his wake. Some people at the wake called the sight "offensive," while Sandra Bullock called it "an awesome idea." (Jimmy Fallon)

      U. S. POLITICS

      Nevada Republican senatorial candidate Sue Lowden says instead of a government health care plan, Americans could pay their doctors by giving them chickens. Why pay your doctor in chickens? If you have chickens, just make chicken soup, then you don't need a doctor in the first place. (Frank King)


      I saw Sarah Palin at a karaoke bar last night singing "Livin' on a Prayer." When she got to the line, "Whoa, we're halfway there," she stopped singing. (Alex Schubert)

      Sarah Palin celebrated "Earth Day" last week by shooting wolves from helicopters using lead-free bullets. Hey, we're making progress. (Tim Hunter)

      Former President Clinton said that Chelsea asked him to do one thing for her regarding her summer wedding – which was to lose 15 pounds. Presumably her second choice request "Please don't hit on my bridesmaids." (Janice Hough)

      Sen. John McCain supports the new immigration law. It 's ironic because he came over on the Mayflower. (David Letterman)

      After losing ground to his Republican opponent in the Republican primary, Florida governor Charlie Crist announced yesterday that he would be running for the U. S. Senate as an independent. That would almost certainly give Bernie Sanders, Joe Lieberman, and Charlie Crist the most powerful three-man caucus in the Senate. (Erin Daren)

      Gov. Charlie Crist of Florida is leaving the Republican Party. Apparently he can't support the state's tough new immigration law empowering the police to stop and question anyone not wearing a white belt and white shoes. (Bill Williams)

      The woman who won the Miss Alabama title in 1984 where Sara Palin was competing is running for the State House in Georgia as a Democrat. To which Palin says she heard that the people in Georgia can also see Russia from their backyards. (Jim Barach)

      Gov. Rick Perry of Texas shot a coyote while he was jogging. Who carries a gun while jogging? I can barely manage my iPod. I like the idea of runners carrying guns. Think of how interesting the Boston Marathon will be. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Sarah Palin has thrown her support to Tom Emmer for the Republican nomination for Governor of Minnesota. She says she will stand behind him completely for the first two years of his term. (Jim Barach)


      The Treasury Department unveiled the new $100 bill and posted a video on their website for the majority of Americans who will never get a chance to hold one. (Pedro Bartes)

      The U. S. Treasury issued its new $100 bill. They had to come up with a new one because China has all the old ones. (Jay Leno)

      Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner says the final cost of the financial bailout will be $87 Billion. Most of that to cover the cost of Wall Street executive bonuses. (Jim Barach)

      During the economic meltdown, employees at the SEC were using government computers to watch pornography. Ironically, while they were watching porn, the other employees were watching Goldman Sachs screw the entire country. (Jay Leno)


      Apparently the Icelandic volcano crisis cost the airline industry more than three billion dollars. Which explains why Delta's new bag-check fee is $400,000. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Ben & Jerry's was giving out free ice cream and Starbucks was giving out free pastries all day. Everyone is getting cocky because we have free health insurance. (Craig Ferguson)

      IBM, Procter & Gamble and Sherwin-Williams came in 1-2-3 in Fortune magazine's ranking of the best companies from which to retire. Somehow missing the cut: the Pittsburgh Pirates and the L. A. Clippers. (Dwight Perry)

      The seafood industry is trying to calm the public over a giant oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Folks in PR over at McCormick and Schmick's are trying to spin it positive. "Lobsters need less butter." (Alan Ray)

      The Charlie Brown "Peanuts" brand is going to be sold to Joe Boxer for $175 million. Because nothing's more macho than a pair of boxer shorts that says "Peanuts" right across the front. (Jimmy Fallon)

      Spirit Airlines, which charges $45 for carry-on luggage, is installing non-reclining seats in its planes. It is part of Spirit Airlines mission to make airline travel far more expensive and less comfortable than a bus ride. (Alex Kaseberg)

      United and Continental announced they will merge. The goal, to manage to annoy more passengers than any other airline in the world. (Janice Hough)


      The White House flew captured Somali pirates to New York for trial. They robbed and looted on the high seas. They'll never be able to get a jury of their peers with all the investment bankers constantly having to go to Washington to testify. (Argus Hamilton)

      The White House said Tuesday Somali pirates in U. S. custody will be tried in New York. They're charged with piracy at sea. Security at the courthouse will be tight to prevent Goldman Sachs recruiters from coming in and signing them to long-term deals. (Argus Hamilton)

      Ronnie Lee Gardner, convicted of murdering a lawyer during an unsuccessful courthouse escape attempt in 1985, has chosen to be executed by a Utah firing squad, in the only state that offers that option. He confidently told guards. "I'll have the last laugh on you Bozos as the only man in this state allowed to smoke in a public place!" (Bob Mills)

      A woman in Staten Island is facing charges after she gave her daughter's friend a peanut butter and jelly sandwich containing the painkiller Oxycodone. There was some miscommunication. When the girl asked her to take the edge off, she was just talking about the crust. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A man in Florida was arrested at a traffic stop for trying to swallow a baggy of marijuana along with a double cheeseburger. Either he brought the marijuana from home, or McDonalds is making some awesome new combo meals. (Jimmy Fallon)


      A man on a Delta flight from Paris to Atlanta claimed he had explosives in his luggage. Officials told the man it was a Federal offense, while Delta told him he'd have to pay an extra $15 per carry-on bomb. (Jimmy Fallon)

      A man on a Delta flight from Paris to Atlanta claimed to have explosives in his luggage, forcing the plane to land in Bangor, Maine. Fortunately the plane was never in any danger. Because it's Delta, they lost the luggage. (Jay Leno)


      President Obama is now considering approving the development of a hypersonic missile that can deliver its payload anywhere in the world within an hour. It was a joint venture between the U. S. military and Domino's Pizza. (Jay Leno)

      Rolls-Royce is offering the Pentagon a special deal on engines for the Joint Strike Fighter jet. Not to be outdone, Toyota is offering a special deal on engines for kamikaze pilots. (Jimmy Fallon)

      NASA & SPACE

      Stephen Hawking says that not only does he believe that aliens exist, but that we shouldn't make contact with them, as they could be very angry. Especially aliens from Arizona. (Jay Leno)


      The National Post reports Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper was urged to promote improved world sanitation and toilets at the G8 summit. As a self-proclaimed Calgary Flames fan, Harper should know quite a bit about going in the dumper. (RJ Currie)


      Over in England, a British academic, Dr. Brett Mills, is now calling for an end to all wildlife documentaries, because they "capture animals' most intimate secrets on camera without their consent" and fail to consider their "right to privacy." (Janice Hough)


      The Greek economy is so bad, the currency is no longer the euro. It's the gyro. (Israel Carrasco)

      Greece's debt crisis continues to spiral out of control. It's getting so bad that I went to my local diner this morning and they charged me 15 billion euros for coffee. (Jake Novak)


      China is now considering easing up on that policy one-child-per-family law they have down there. For years, they have only allowed one child per household. Now, a factory — well that can have as many children as they need. (Jay Leno)


      A new book on yawning by a French researcher says that humans yawn about 250,000 times during their life. Or about 750,000 times if they're Toronto Maple Leafs fans. (RJ Currie)

      Turkish scientists claim they have found the remains of Noah's Ark on Mount Ararat. Suspicions were raised when it was revealed on the back of the ship it says "The Minnow". (Jim Barach)


      The E. P.A. is proposing to remove saccharin from its list of hazardous substances. New slogan for Tab: It only tastes hazardous! (Jim-Bob Williams)

      The White House released a report Friday saying that U. S. kids are so overweight it's a threat to national security. They don't exercise. In Beverly Hills Little League if a player gets four balls he doesn't walk, his mom drives him to first base. (Argus Hamilton)


      An oil slick the size of Rhode Island is making its way across the Gulf of Mexico. An oil slick the size of Rhode Island — isn't that called New Jersey? (Jay Leno)

      The Coast Guard announced a plan to burn the million-gallon oil spill floating on the Gulf of Mexico in one giant fire. The situation is costing a lot of jobs in the restaurant industry in New Orleans. The shrimp are arriving on shore fully cooked. (Argus Hamilton)

      The bad news is that there's going to be a huge environmental disaster from the oil leak down in the gulf. The good news is, they think the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps. (David Letterman)

      The oil companies are promising to clean this whole mess up and, believe me, if you've ever been to a gas station restroom, you know how good they are at cleaning up. (Jay Leno)

      Hispanics are angry over a plan to burn off an oil spill off the Louisiana coast. You can't blame Mexican-Americans for being upset. First, Arizona enacts a tough new immigration bill targeting people from south of the border, and now we're burning down the Gulf of Mexico. (Frank King)

      Iceland's volcano stopped erupting long enough for flights to resume in Europe Friday. The thick ash hovers in the air over London. Keith Richards opened up his car window Tuesday and for the first time in forty years the smoke went into the limo. (Argus Hamilton)

      Well, one good thing has come out of this volcano in Iceland. Economists say consumers can now expect a huge drop in the price of lava lamps. (Jay Leno)

      A radical Islamic cleric said that women who wear revealing clothing are responsible for earthquakes. In response, scientists said, "Worth it." (Jimmy Fallon)


      The Kentucky Derby will be run on Saturday. The stakes are amazing. The winning owner gets over a 1.4 million dollar purse. The winning horse gets extra hay. (Alan Ray)

      Here in New York, the Yankees are champions, but in Arizona, they would be deported. (David Letterman)

      Another sign that football has passed Al Davis by, as the Raiders used their first-round draft pick to select Sandra Bullock. (Marc Ragovin)

      The Detroit Red Wings have been fined for landing their team jet in San Jose after the airport closed. The team is being fined $2,500 and ten minutes in the penalty box. (Jim Barach)

      Joe Paterno says he favors the Big Ten expanding from eleven to fourteen teams. Apparently the conference would have to change its name to the Really Big Ten. (Jim Barach)

      The International Olympic Committee stripped China of its bronze medal in the women's team gymnastics event from the 2000 Olympics because they fielded an underage athlete. Ten years later, when she still hadn't finished high school, they figured it out. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      "China was stripped of the women's gymnastics bronze medal from the 2000 Sydney Olympics on Wednesday for fielding an underage gymnast. But the girl was still happy that she passed her driver's test this week. (Bill Littlejohn)

      The 2000 U. S. Olympic women's gymnastics team just had a bronze medal fall into its lap after the IOC disqualified China for having an underage girl on its team. The only downside is the Americans have to squeeze into those outfits again for the medal ceremony. (Greg Connors)

      The New York Yankees visited the White House this week. Everyone from the champion team was there, except for Kate Hudson. (David Letterman)

      President Obama met with the Yankees to congratulate them on their World Series win. Derek Jeter said, "You never get tired of meeting the president." And then John McCain said, "Eh, I'm pretty much over it." (Jimmy Fallon)

      The San Quentin prison Giants baseball team"s roster is not loaded with power, but it is a Murderer's Row. (Scott Ostler)

      While the Big Ten is considering expansion to as many as 14 teams, Penn State coach Joe Paterno says he thinks the Pac 10 will expand first. And the Pac 10 could actually draw on a pool including UFL and CFL (Canadian Football League teams.) After all, with USC they're used to working with paid players. (Janice Hough)


      USA Today hyped Tim Tebow as the savior of the NFL's image Thursday. He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't do drugs and he doesn't believe in pre-marital sex. Last week Tim Tebow celebrated his twenty-second birthday, the question is, how? (Argus Hamilton)

      Ryan Howard signed a five-year, $125-million dollar contract extension with the Philadelphia Phillies. If Howard means that much to the Phillies, what is Jayson Werth? (RJ Currie)

      The "National Enquirer" says Tiger Woods had sex with 120 women while he was married. Somewhere, Wilt Chamberlain is laughing; he had that much sex during the average marriage ceremony. (Jerry Perisho)

      Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger is rumored to be on the trading block. The Steelers seek an even deal. A passer with a strong arm and a player to be investigated later. (Alan Ray)

      Delonte West's upcoming trial — for carrying a dangerous weapon, carrying a handgun, transporting a handgun, reckless driving and negligent driving — has been postponed until July 21. Sure, the Cavs guard averages just 8.8 points, but is there anybody better at drawing charges? (Dwight Perry)

      Tiger Woods attended a Nickleback concert last week. I guess Tiger feels he hasn't been punished enough. (RJ Currie)

      A recent report from TMZ says California sheriffs gave Paris Hilton a citation for one count of dangerous passing. So what's kept Jamarcus Russell out of jail? (RJ Currie)

      Hear about the new Tony Stewart diet? Dinner is served on a restrictor plate. (Dwight Perry)


      Among the top features of the new "Madden NFL 11" video game, electronic pants that let you feel every groin pull. (David Letterman)

      They're down to the final six contestants on "American Idol." It's not a great crop of singers this year. They're thinking of renaming the show "America Doesn't Got Talent." (Jimmy Kimmel)

      A Calgary theatre troupe has announced the world premiere of Double Falsehood, a long-lost comedy recently discovered to be a Shakespearean play. Double Falsehood is not to be confused with the last two Tiger Woods press conferences, nor anything to do with Heidi Montag. (RJ Currie)

      Another "Robin Hood" movie is out May 14. This iconic friend to the poor robs from the rich with his clumsy sidekick. Little Joe Biden. (Alan Ray)

      It was announced today that pigeons will have their own reality TV show. It will be hosted by Mike Tyson. Pigeons are great messengers. They can fly at speeds up to 60 mph. They're dangerous though, as sometimes they can't stop in time. They're like flying Toyotas. (Craig Ferguson)


      Two more women have claimed they were sexually harassed by former action star, Steven Seagal. The good news for Seagal? He will play the lead role in "The Ben Roethlisberger Story." (Alex Kaseberg)

      Dancing With The Stars' dance partner Cheryl Burke told In Touch that Chad Ochocinco (of the Bengals) would "seriously dance naked if it were allowed." But enough about his endzone celebrations, she says he'd also do it on the show. (Bill Littlejohn)

      To prove she had no butt implants, Kim Kardashian let her rump get grabbed by Australian talk show host Chrissie Swan. Geez. And the Montreal Canadiens think they have their hands full against the Pittsburgh Penguins? (RJ Currie)

      Shania Twain got divorced because her husband was sleeping with her assistant and now Shania is living with the assistant's husband. She's like the Larry King of Canada. (Jimmy Kimmel)


      Conan O'Brien is scheduled for '60 Minutes'this Sunday. But he threatened to cancel when they said that they planned on running his piece at: 05 after the hour. (Bill Littlejohn)

      Conan O'Brien speaks out about NBC and the "Tonight Show" on "60 Minutes". It was a bit awkward as the 60 Minutes staff wasn't sure who he was. None of their reporters has stayed up past 8:30 since 1983. (Jim Barach)

      Gays are applauding Kevin Keller, the new character in the Archie comics. Conservatives aren't so happy. They say not only is he gay; he's two-dimensional. (Bill Williams)


      Sandra Bullock's estranged husband, Jesse James, is committing a selfless act. He's adopting all of Tiger Woods' ex-girlfriends. (Jake Novak)

      Genius physicist Stephen Hawking says there are likely extraterrestrials out there, but we shouldn't try to contact them because they probably will mean us harm. It; s not clear if Hawking is forming a a new theory on alien life, or if he's running for governor of Arizona. (Jake Novak)

      Stephen Hawking says he does believe in aliens but we shouldn't try to contact them. I want nothing to do with aliens. I'm fine with Canadians though. (Jimmy Kimmel)

      Stephen Hawking says that aliens probably do exist, but that we should not interact with them. He's even against giving them driver's licenses. (Jay Leno)

      Amy Winehouse was taken to a hospital after falling at home. In related news, clowns work at the circus. (Brian Lisi)

      Amy Winehouse is being treated for bruised ribs after she fell at her home over the weekend. When she got to the hospital, they offered to give her morphine, but she was like, "Nah, it's cool. I brought my own." (Jimmy Fallon)

      Rielle Hunter appeared on "Oprah" to discuss her love affair with John Edwards. And not to be outdone, next week John Edwards is appearing to discuss his love affair with John Edwards. (Jimmy Fallon)

      John Edwards's mistress, Rielle Hunter, was on "Oprah" today. She told Oprah she did not believe that she played a central role in the breakup of the Edwardses' marriage. Really? So, getting pregnant by a married guy, having his kid, that's not what broke up the marriage? You know what broke it up? Fighting over the remote. I'm sure that's what it was. (Jay Leno)


      George Washington was found Friday to owe three hundred thousand dollars in overdue book fees to the New York City Public Library. Shortly after he became president he checked out a book of House of Lords transcripts and never returned it. He'd only been president a month and already he was looking for an exit strategy. (Argus Hamilton)

      Turkish scientists claim they have found the remains of Noah's Ark on Mount Ararat. There are questions being raised about the ship having a stage with a marquee reading "Tonight's dinner show: Kathie Lee Gifford." (Jim Barach)


      After a South Carolinian state legislator proposed replacing the portrait of Ulysses S. Grant on the $50 bill with that of Ronald Reagan, a subsequent poll showed that a majority of Americans oppose the change. In fact, given a choice, most Americans said they'd prefer Lou Grant over Reagan. (Bob Mills)

      A new survey shows that most young adults don't pray, don't worship and don't read the Bible. They do, however, text God an average of 100 times a day. (Jake Novak)

      A study conducted by the Archives of Internal Medicine shows that those who consume at least one chocolate bar a week suffer more depression than those who eat chocolate only occasionally. The study was prompted by narcotics officers who noticed a spike in suicides involving an overdose of M&Ms. (Bob Mills)

      A study says many sick airline passengers are not reported to the health authorities. Wouldn't it be simpler to just count how many are served the food? (Alex Schubert)

      A new survey found that one-third of married women with pets say their animals are better listeners than their husbands. When husbands heard that they were like, "Huh? You say something?" (Jimmy Fallon)

      A study says half of all Americans are at risk for heart complications. What's the first sign of impending cardiac arrest? "Wendy's, Next Exit." (Alan Ray)

      Compiled by Stan Kegel mailto:skegel@...
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